Was it Monday?

Another weird day today after days of strangeness. I am not over-medicating again or doing anything else. I just feel odd. My hubby was home this week-end. We had a good time. It was fun, and pleasant and we did manage to talk about some things. My son has been on again, off again..alternating between being a royal pain in the a$$ to being an awesome human being. He overdosed on home-made sugar cookies for two days and ended up throwing up sick last night. He is fine now. My daughter is always very touchy, but she had moments of absolute clarity this week-end.

She had another break-down at school with the same teacher as before. She hid in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. If she doesn't make it to class tomorrow she is suspended again. *sigh. I asked her about it and she doesn't have an answer. At this point, neither do I.

I feel like crap.

I am mentally tired, emotionally drained and physically ill. My spirituality could use a boost too. I have been craving cigarettes today. I know it is just a reaction to my stress and all. I did manage to get by it all...Awh..poop and heartburn. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or don't. Nasty acid reflux.

I took Jack the puppy for a walk. It beautiful out tonight with a full moon and no clouds. I wore my new sandals to show off my pedicure. It is close to pitch black and know I am not going to see anybody. Which I didn't. But, it is my first ever pedicure. My hubby's treat this weekend. They look marvellous.

I have to laugh, I can dress up very nice. I just never was a big fan of girlie things. Pink was a color I loathed. I did make-up, high heels, dresses, jewellery and purses through junior high through high school. Usually it was for church, though I did it up occasionally for school events or to trip people out. It was a bet to see how many people would say hi to me in the hallways that normally wouldn't. I laugh, but I averaged 0-3 per class depending. Dressed up, I could get 6 to 10.

I got contacts freshman year, and had Lasik done about 8 years ago. It is so awesome. I love being able to see without my glasses or contacts. I was legally blind without them. I had short hair when I was little, and then was not allowed to cut it till I was 18. I don't miss it. I had tremendous headaches that disappeared after my hair was short. Woo-hoo! I didn't have my ears pierced till I was 19. I also never wore gold until my early 30's and found out I am allergic to it.

I just got into a fight with my daughter again. She is moping. Whatever. I am so tired of her drama at the same time that I know she needs major help. I get so irritated that she won't even try anything. We both walked away this time. Which is a good thing but aargh!

My phone just rang and it should be my hubby saying he made it to his hotel. I am glad, but I am not answering, yet. I am sick of phones and letters and not being able to see or touch the people I am talking to. Blah. It just makes me feel so much more isolated. I  did meet with my ladies group. That was so sweet.  We had an absolutely great time. They are so awesome. I was in a somewhat quiet mode. Yes, I do have those. I am getting there. We have our conference coming up, it is going to be so much fun.

I feel like I am babbling here. Maybe I am. I talk to my therapist soon, and have doctor appointments this week too. I am not looking forward to any of it. I have returns to do, groceries, laundry, cooking etc. All the stuff I still have to do. One step at a time. TTYAL. Thanks for listening.

Changed My Song..

I should be asleep, but I can't. I know this. Too much caffeine and candy, for one. It was Halloween, I sat outside in my warm desert and handed out candy to the hordes. It was fun, I like to see the costumes and the people young, old, and in-between. I only got to trick-or -treat once when I was a kid. It was rushed and confusing, I was at my Aunt Char's for some reason I had a store-bought costume pulled over my head and was handed a bucket and went along with all the others. It was cold, and rainy and my cousins didn't like me very much. I don't even know if I got to eat the candy. My dad was so totally against Halloween.

We still handed out treats. My mom had penny jars, the little kids weren't so bad they thought it was cool. The other kids knew how lame it was. Halloween was serious business back then, if you didn't hand out something you got tricked. I guess my dad found it easier to go along with it then clean up the messes.

I didn't get trick-or-treaters when I lived in apartments. In WI, we lived on a strange one block street, one year I only had 3 kids total stop by. In AZ, it is fun, I go through massive amounts of candy. It amuses me.

Max went out with his friends for a little and then came back and helped hand out candy. It was way cool. Renee got stood up by a friend and decided not to go, she was so totally bummed. I felt so bad for her. A true compliment from a very dear old friend turned her around. She played me music and we actually talked.  I wish this happened more often. They have school tomorrow, I have so many things to do to get ready for our Salt Lake city trip. Aaargh..lol. I'll get there.

I wrote a whole other blog to a friend I can't talk to. I wish I could, I miss him. I am also so mad, and angry at him too. Thanks, I am F.I.N.E just fine. LOLOL..you don't have a clue, brother. I thought you did. I have been wrong before, hopefully I can learn from this and move on. It has been very bad. Not your fault, just the way it is. ick and ugh..I am praying for you as always for you and yours and for me too.

I have a couple other friends who I am now worried about, unhealthy choices. I pray for them, I can't change them or fix them. They are who they are. There is help available. My particular afflictions are a bit more messy and complicated. I know there is other's like me..I have met quite a few of them. I help them as much as I can, it helps them. It helps me. Maybe it is a karma thing, lol. I still wish..

I keep going, it is what I do. The next step, moving on..learning, growing.

God has plans for me, I think I disagree with them so far, lol. It has become an impasse. This is not the first time and will not be the last time we are at odds. Free will, sorry..it is what it is, my choice, my life. I think I will find out this is the way it was supposed to be, perhaps.

It could be so much easier.

It could be way worse.

No insightful wisdom just tired, but thanks for listening readers, Thanks for inspiring me to do better. Smoke free. wow.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow..other way around for my friends across the world. Feeling emotional connections, it is like a recharge to my soul. G'night and God bless.

I own no rights to the music or lyrics of the video I included, that is the property of Aerosmith. 

Sunday, today..

Sunday, the day of rest?

I am laughing as it really isn't, not for me and not for a lot of folks. I used to work it, for years and years. Now, being unemployed, I find that housework, cooking, children/puppies, facebooking, napping, laundry, take up a lot of time. The bonus with Sundays is I get lower electric rates all day and most places are closed. No making doctor appointments or going to the bank, post office or library. I also try to avoid shopping or eating out on week-ends. Not only because rates are higher at say movie theaters, but to avoid crowds,too. I really dislike masses of people and traffic.

No, I don't go to church. Not on Sundays or any other day. I don't belong to a church. I honor God, every day by how I act. Some moments I am good, others, no. I do not expect perfection, would be terrified to achieve it. That is a very scary thought. LOL, I just try to be better. Better than I was yesterday, more patient with my kids, a bit more motivated with my chores. Bringing some smiles, prayers or comfort to my friends. Raising the bar of how I think about things. I have been slacking.

It isn't a sin, but I have been reacting instead of living with a purpose. I have been letting my emotions, past issues, present troubles, and mental turmoil push me around. I can't say that this won't be an issue again. Today, no. Enough already. Good Grief!

I would have liked more fun today. Oh well, I really am glad my kids go to school tomorrow, all day. Funny, I will miss them too, until they get home. I feel bad that my hubby is so far away and working so hard. This isn't my fault or his, it wasn't what we were promised moving out here. Now we are moving again for a better solution for us all. I am keeping my fingers crossed..and that is a prayer I include for myself.

I would really like to feel better, physically. I am having another hot flash..ugh. I am already one step closer to my New Year's resolutions. I quit smoking and I am trying to change the world, starting with myself. It is what I have. My obsessions haven't died. I still feel the pull of my addictions. My stalkee that I had blocked is still a part of my computer family. I feel a mess of emotions about that. Logically, it is one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I wish I could walk away from it forever. I am hoping maybe I can, but then again maybe that isn't what I am supposed to be doing. When I pray about this all I feel is incredible sadness.

My friend I talk to daily, has had so much patience and goodwill. My hubby, who I also talk to daily, has done his best to accommodate anything I might need. One way or another. There are many reasons I love him and have stayed with him so long. We have more challenges facing us. One step at a time.

I am really tired now, which isn't surprising. It has been a long day. G'night or G'morning to you all wherever you may be. Thanks for listening. TTYAL.


the video is the wrong one, but can't figure out yet how to remove it..LOL That's Jack, the puppy.

"I hope I never get everything I want, life is boring without having desire and anticipation. But I hope someday I realize I have everything I need, life is sad without feeling content and appreciation." Patrick Bagdon

Another one..how many can there be?

Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.

I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)

THAT is depression.

The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.

LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.

I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.

I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.

AZ morning

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston

Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

How many days? However as many as we get.

Yawn!

I am sitting with a warm puppy on my lap. I am full, been eating on and off all day. Whew! I will need to get up eventually to either go to the bathroom or something. LOL. For now, though it is good. I can hear my kids video upstairs, but not too loudly. I am emotionally calm for the first time in days. It feels really really good. I slept most of the day away, didn't really do much of anything.

I am not feeling guilty about this. Okay, the eating part a bit. I need to get some controls in place. By not smoking, I tend to be hungrier. As for the rest of it, my feelings? I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long now. When I plateau, it is really amazing. I can look back and realize how out-of -control I have been. I know this level won't last forever either. I will be back at something else that turns me around, or inside out.

Why? Good question, I guess because this is the way I have always been. I am starting to figure out the why's of some things. I am also realizing that there is a whole lot of stuff that I will never figure out. Either about myself or others, and for now..that is okay too. This will be back to bother me. Not today, though. I have gone through enough turmoil, I welcome this respite.

Calm, deep breathing, the eye of the storm? LOL, perhaps.

I have seen tornado's in real life, though not big one's up close. I have seen the damage Mother Nature can do and have always been impressed and humbled. I am glad I have never been in an actual hurricane. I am grateful I have food, shelter, and love. I have family and friends. I am not wishing today, just expressing gratitude, I guess. Wow!

I am tired again, my anemia? Probably, but I love sleep. There is much worse things than feeling tired or discouraged. I will still be here for now. Thanks for listening as always. I find it incredible that people actually read this. I hope it helps someone else. I don't always have the mental stability I'd like to achieve, but one step at a time.

I really wonder what puppies dream about? Jack makes such cute noises in his sleep..Have a great night or day wherever you are.

Yawn, stretch, TTYAL.

Ten Reasons to Quit Smoking.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

3:12 PM

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)


2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.


3. Breathe


4. Feel better


5. Smell better


6. Have control


7. Stay alive longer


8. Make me happy to succeed.


9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy


10. I said I would, somehow.

:-) My list..everyone's is different.

Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

no pain..

I don't know what to do with myself today. I have energy now, but no desire to really do anything. I want to get "effing" wasted and just give the whole world the finger. Everything is annoying me, it feels like a screech on a blackboard kind of feeling. I am not sure where all this frustration is coming from. PMS? Maybe. I finished two books this week, and while I enjoyed both. Crap! I didn't get a rush or fix off of them. My life is still boring, even with my hubby here. Physically, for the most part, I am doing way better.

I want.

I don't know what I want, nothing is working. Facebook only distracts me for a little while, shopping. *sigh. I still have not completely regained my kitchen. I am not even sure what to clean or stock, my mind is a mess. My husband has kept me distracted for a while. I smile here. I am off the pain meds. I have another 1/2 hour till the kids go to bed. Aaargh.

Okay, I can do this. I can get through the turmoil running around loose in my brain and let it go. I say a few choice swear words here. I am not all alone, my God is always with me. He is not saying too much. Or maybe, I am just not getting the message. I need somewhere to go, something to do. Something real. My life?? OMG-LOL.

I will stop now and breathe, whew! It may not be the right answer but it is what I have. I talked with friends, virtually but still very important. I am snuggling with my puppy a bit. I took a sleepy pill that is also for anxiety and I can feel it seeping into my brain. I will 'fess up that I took a 1/4 dose of pain pills. My stomach hurts, but I'll admit it is more for the buzz. It gives my head that dopey sense of being at peace. It slows down the whirlwind and lets me unwind.

 Bed, sleep and tomorrow a new dawn. Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so, and hope that it is for all that read this too. G'night and talk to you all later.

Is It Break Time Yet?

They changed the interface on blogger. I am not sure if I like it yet. As with most things new, it takes me some adjustment time. I am having difficulties with not smoking today. I miss it. I spent/wasted a lot of time and money smoking for so many years. Wow! I think about it, and then I am okay, again. I am getting used to the new me. I am happy I can breathe. I haven't coughed up any nastiness in so long. Eww! I know, these are my happy thoughts.

I don't know why, I keep having this old adage running through my head. "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." There is more to it and it applies to wedding's. Specifically, what the bride is supposed to carry or wear. I found this:

"Something old represents continuity; something new offers optimism for the future; something borrowed symbolizes borrowed happiness; something blue stands for purity, love, and fidelity; and a sixpence in your shoe is a wish for good fortune and prosperity, although this remains largely a British custom." 

I like this, more than just how it applies to weddings. Every day is a new one, but we carry all of our old baggage with it. Instead of lugging it around, I think just a thread of continuity is easier. Just keeping what we need. Something new, looking forward to what may be ahead. Something borrowed. Hmm.. for me, this means that you have friends and family. Borrowing something means somebody trusted you enough to loan you something. It also means you are worthy enough to return it. Something blue.

My birthstone is light blue. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but a large aquamarine for March. It is gorgeous. I didn't know what the blue stood for in this tradition. Wow! The fact that my daughter is/was born in March also was always just another bonus. Sadly, neither me or my hubby wear our rings. He got shocked at work one too many times. I am actually allergic or sensitive to gold. It makes me itch, and will give me a rash eventually. Not just from my wedding ring, but other gold jewelry I have, earrings too. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. Never did, so this really doesn't phase me much. I used to wear my wedding ring and earrings to work. I got more compliments on my $2.50 earrings I found on clearance than any of my "real " stones. LOL

Good fortune and prosperity would be nice. Really. I'd give it a shot.

My digestive system is being 'balky" again. This makes me feel like crap, nauseated and dizzy. My one friend laughed, she's a nurse.. you are full of shit. Yep, small intestinal blockage, have been here too many times. Ugh, it hurts. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this too shall pass. LOLOL(sorry). I don't know why I should be embarrassed by this. Another friend commented , glad you're poopin. I wish I still was. It is so annoying and frustrating.

I had fun on Facebook today, had fun with my kids, had a wonderful time with my hubby. The dog kind of drove me nuts, and my therapist. *I don't know. I think I have to up the power or something. I am not getting what I need from it at this point.I have been debating a lot of different options, need to do some action soon. For now, I am going to nap. I may go take a swim later. This is where having my hubby home is such a relief. I can trust him to keep them okay while I space out for a bit.

When I was a workaholic and that has been at every job. Everybody would laugh. I loved break time. I told people I came to work just so I could take a break. I loved it. We would smoke and eat and chit-chat. I found out a lot of good/bad things from people on break. I told a friend I can be shy. Yep, still can, even after all these years. It depends on the context of where and why. With me it doesn't last very long, my inherent sort of rebellious nature asserts itself eventually. I am a smart-ass, can't help it.

But at first, scary..

I need to step out, get a move on it and meet peeps. My level, just smiling at retail workers and leaving nice tips isn't cutting it anymore. I also need to get help for my girl and the boy too..might as well include the hubby and the dog. The therapist had a point. I have been here starting my 3rd year and have only put up one picture. I suppose it is about time I moved in and on.

Thanks for listening as always, ttyl.

"Is your problem really your problem, or is your attitude toward your problem the real problem?"

Hmm..yep, something to think about.

Next?

I have been really out of it for quite a few days now. The physical pain isn't so bad now. I have eased up on the pain meds. My mother-in-law is here taking care of me and my family. I love it, but find it strange. I still don't understand why I am so tired. All I have been doing is sleeping. I see the doctor in two days, hopefully my bowels will have figured out what they are supposed to do by then. I have been taking a laxative/stool softener, here's hoping.

I know, ugh! right? More people suffer from digestive problems than you'd believe. It isn't the topic of polite conversation. I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). It is a catchphrase of sorts for any stomach or digestive order they can't "find" a reason for. I have had IBS since my 20's or before. I'll write an article about it someday. Not in this forum, though. Suffice it to say I usually have what I call "constipated diarrhea". It is nasty. *sigh. This surgery may make it better or worse or not affect it at all.

I have been enjoying the buffer time. It is weird to see my kids with their Dad and Grandma. It is almost always just me. Not having the full and total responsibility has been nice. It is also sweet that I don't have to lift or bend over either. I am very sore.

I am not sure what my point is tonight. I feel out of it, but am still here. I am tired but still awake. I haven 't been getting my normal thrill out of fb that I usually do. I don't know why. Nothing holds my interest for very long and I get irritable for no real reason. I am still not smoking. Which may have a lot to do with it. Breaking the habit/mold of 30 some years is an undertaking. One step at a time.

My hubby smokes, and his mom smokes, they both drink. They both tied one on last night. I was very irritated with this. But a friends wise words kept me balanced. It is my choice to stay straight. Not because of my kids, though that is part of it, mostly because the madness affects me more. When I drink or do drugs, I don't have an off switch.. I just keep going and going..it can get really ugly.

Way tired again so I am going to go snooze again. Keep your cool, one way or another, I'll have more on that story another day. Thinking about you all and thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. I am doing remarkably well. I miss my girlfriend Mindy and all the help she was the first few days of my surgery. I love her, forever. I love my mother-in-law Gloria too, for all she has done flying out here and making my life so easy.

I love my hubby and kids too. They are working so hard to not upset me. I am not the fragile flower they are treating me as but it is ok. My fb friends have kept me balanced with humor and sincerity.lol Goodnight all, please pray that I will be able to poop soon. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Seriously. ttyal and thanks for listening.

I am barely breathing...

I have missed you all. I am still smoke-free, it has been two weeks now. I am totally and completely exhausted. Non-smoking is supposes to give you energy and better breathing capability. LOL, I guess I read the memo wrong. I am beat...and have been having a harder time breathing. It feels like a weight on my chest for the most part. I do smell better in two ways. The smoke isn't in my clothes, hair, mouth. I also,  hmm..can smell other odors stronger and faster. But wowza! I am sooo tired.

I saw my surgeon and my hernia surgery is scheduled for next week. *sigh* This is operation #3, and it is going to be a mess. They don't know how much of the mesh has adhered to my bowels at this point. So, I may have a lot of bowel removed or none. I have given up so far on all my other symptoms. I am "normal"..yeah, right. The doctors can't figure it out and neither can I. I can't afford any more tests or specialists. No more Zebra's.

Do you understand why I haven't written? LOL, sorry. I have been very depressed again. Each and every day has been a battle to get up and get showered, dressed and do anything. I have been in a black pit and know it is stupid. There is nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself. Knowing it, and what?? Slipping around and around in the muck of it and giving up..on the inside.

Is this just an addict thing? Shite!

I gave up smoking for a whole lot of reasons..one is so this damn surgery actually works. I also realize that once again I am out of a job/occupation. I have tried to deny this for years. I can't go back to waitressing, ever, or retail, or factory, or UPS. I have always had somewhat brutally physical jobs. There was good and bad things associated with each one. Now, hmmm...my body can't seem to take anything.

I feel useless.

Not that I am not needed. LOL.. I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, kids to ignore,(LOL) cooking, cleaning, shopping, the whole mom, wife, and pet-owner thing. Plus, I get guilt-trips too. I can spend so much, and not save anything at all and I am so not bringing any money in. Shazbot!

Whew! My hubby comes home Thursday, weird. My girlfriend is coming Monday, and the kids go back to school. My surgery is Wednesday.

Facebook has helped. I have friends I have talked to. My kids? Not so much, I am so frustrated today with them and the dog. I am...I am not even sure what the hell I am.

I have had another nap since writing all this. It does make a difference. I crave the smokes and don't. I want to get wasted, but don't. I have other addictions, fantasies that I am ignoring. I'd like to go eat a whole box of Dunkin Donuts, or hmm.. I really want to wallow and be crabby, this I do do a bit. LOL, sorry kids and hubby. Jack, the puppy doesn't take this personally. The kids?? It is still a 100 degrees outside, Max went to the mailbox for me and almost passed out. Renee has not been anywhere all day and refuses to do anything but sit in A/C and work on her computer art.

I am going to be okay. I know this isn't the way it is going to end for me. The only way it would is if I let my own stupidity get in the way of myself. Which is? Hello, Laura..mmhmm.. I am listening, Lord. I will knock this off and pay better attention to what is going on. My friend likes to say one day, one step at a time. For me today and for the last week, it has been a struggle of epic proportions that shouldn't have even made me blink. Hah! I have won this round so far.

For you, my readers..does any of this make sense to you? Not only that I am human, but so human and flawed at times? I think everyone has their struggles to stay sane and active and not let the darkness win. I may be the exception in that I write about it, and admit it. Or that it happens so often? *sigh. Thanks for listening as always. I need to remember that this is one of my strengths. It helps make me stronger to write it out. I feel better now than I have all day. I have coupons and groceries to get to..and more straws to buy.
Smoke-free and learning my "new" normal. Thanks.

Giving All my Secrets Away.

Good Morning! If I start writing this I probably won't get any of my chores started. Hmm..LOL. I am in a very good mood this morning. I am not going to question or analyze this. I am just enjoying it. I have great FB friends. I don't know about anyone else's experiences with this. My group of friends uplift me and make me smile or laugh, cry, ponder and say the darnedest things sometimes. No wonder I am hooked.

I am including a link, it is "How to Overcome Addictive Personality" by Lisa Fritscher on eHow.http://www.ehow.com/how_5692048_overcome-addictive-personality.html


If you don't read the link, you will have a harder time understanding what I am talking about. #1. I do see a therapist now. I tease him that he was the third. My first one was an on-line minister and licensed counselor. He helped me tremendously when my world and mind shattered. There are severe limitations to on-line counseling, however. He helped me find the courage, strength, and recommendations to go to a therapist in person. We remain friends now, he is an awesome guy. My 2nd therapist helped glue me back together, so I could be functional again. Before that I was sleeping at the most a couple of hours a day here and there. I was drinking coffee and soda by the bucket, smoking 4 packs a day. Really. "Tweaking and freaking" I have said that before..it was a bad time for me, my kids, and hubby.

My present therapist is more affordable as he is in my insurance plan, and I received 6 free visits through my husbands EAP.(Employee Assistance Plan). With the insurance he is only $13 a week. Whew! My other doc was around $50. I also relate better to my new guy, which is very important. You have to have the right fit or it isn't going to help you much. He speed-reads like I do. That was the first bonus, though I think I am faster. LOLOL. He was my daughter's therapist, so he understands some of those issues. He also helped her with her depression. She, at present, doesn't want to talk to him.  It is okay. I do need to find somebody who has a speciality with Asperger's and teens. This has been very frustrating, very few and far between.

A good therapist doesn't judge you or tell you how to live. They listen and point out your underlying issues with things. They help you form your own action plan based on what your dreams and goals are. Healthy alternatives, and facing the "demons" of past experiences with a trained guide. I cannot even begin to explain how much this has helped me. The hardest part, taking the first step and then continuing... It is work, and at times scary for me. By facing the fears, I get more mentally stable and healthier. "Which is fun for the whole family". LOL, if you know THAT movie reference you get a gold star.

 Why am I telling you all this? I knew I needed help throughout my life. I didn't know where to get it and was too scared at times to go look. So, I did the best I could with what I had available. I have had a lot of great friends in my life, who seemed to be there at just the right time. Other times I drew upon my hubby and kids. Before that...there has been the dark times that I had to get myself out of. This last episode..I needed major help. This has really all been a whirlwind for me. Cleaning out all the debris and building anew, using new material and old. "We can build it, stronger, faster,..LOL" Old TV show.

My family including Jack the puppy and FB is now my support group. Fb is also one of my main addictions..LOL. I am doing waay better, but have a long way to go. I also have a woman's group that just started. Yey! I do need something else. I have some ideas, but I have to get some of my physical mystery issues done first.. God is my back-up..always with me. He/she has me covered. I can't explain that.

Boredom is a real problem, I read, I write now, I would like to start drawing again. I am working on finding  fun activities with my kids. I try to swim daily and will start my bike-riding again when it cools down outside. Doing my house chores, aargh. Taking care of the kids and a dog...and even my hubby when he is home. Money is always a major dark cloud over my head. *sigh, I need a job/career/ alternative income. Praying and thinking...I am very good at spending money. *sigh, again.



 

"At what point did you cease to own it, and it began to own you?" posted by Bill Moser.

 Good question, and one I have to ask myself continually. There is good addictions, but I would like to learn how to resist the "hook". I have fought the line and broke free of so many things, but there are so many different tasty hooks out there. Now I am looking for the worms, bugs and sustenance I need without the attachments.

Have a great day, keep your head up and watch out for those hooks. If you are already there..you can win free. You aren't alone. The battle is yours, but take whatever help you can find and use it. Thanks for listening to me..TTYAL. Crap, my kitchen floor still isn't washed. LOL.

Knowing

Simply Positive
" Staying positive & optimistic despite constant chaos, busy life, drama, sickness, pain, & issues is mental WORK! The tougher your life at the moment, the MORE you need to make it a daily priority to constantly focus on controlling your thoughts AND creating constant new positive ones to deflect the negative ones. You need to outweigh EACH negative thought w/ a positive one. EACH one. Balance thoughts. :)"

yeah, okay.

I am laughing here. I know I am not the only one. My thoughts are constantly swirling. Some surface and can be very negative, others are extremely positive. Most of them, can go one way or the other. As an addict, the goal was to drug, drown or kill this chaos of thought and emotion. Let the good times out, sometimes, and feel no pain or ecstasy and then numbness. Losing all control of mind, body and spirit so you didn't have to be accountable for anything you said or did.

I do miss it sometimes, crave it at others. I have enough experience now to know I don't always like the beast that emerges. I hate losing my control or balance now. I don't care for the aftereffects, I hold myself accountable for my own self. I like sober, straight me way better...for the most part. It gets boring and tedious too, work. LOL, that is when I know I am brooding again. Humor is a kind of gravy through this whole mix. Friends and family add spice, insights and glue. They help me hold myself together.

I am exhausted. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not. Mind over matter, but I am really really tired. (yawn). I have an hour to kill before my daughter's piano lesson. I don't think I can stay for the 1/2 hour. The teacher has two litters of beagle puppies. They are beyond cute, but with the temps in the 100+ range, they can't stay outside. The house reeks of bleach, throw-up, dog doo and pee. She has them in two plastic wading pools that she cleans three times a day. Way, way too much work for me. Times are hard, you do what you have to do. She sells them to good homes and makes a small profit.

I have to feed the kids then, we will be going out. I should have gone grocery shopping on Tues, Wed or today. Now I have my CT tomorrow morning.

I am not excited about this, this will be my fourth one in the last 10 years. Some people get claustrophobic, I just hate the cost and time of it. It takes forever. I'll be there, I am figuring about 5 hours or so. The medical staff will have me fill out paperwork that I have filled out a 100 times and then don't read it. I swear. Or they find one thing to repeat over and over again...the one time was about allergies. I had 7-10 different nurses ask me what my allergies were once while waiting for a surgery. I got grumpy and then got yelled at. I think if  just one of them had listened to my answer, and wrote it down it would have been cool.

I am being a whiny butt. LOL. I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Really, I do.  I  also think I have had more than my fair share of misdiagnosis errors, medical mistakes, and weird diseases or syndromes. I busted the pharmacy tonight, I went for my re-fill they called me for. Which one is it? The one I don't take anymore. When I informed him of that, he realized that they have been issuing two anti-depressants that don't mix. "You realize you can't take those together?" He was shaken and should be. I worked in a pharmacy, you are liable for stupid errors like that. I am so glad I can read and question things.

I had one of my fb friends call a girl a whore tonight for admitting to using birth control. Wow, I am still stunned and I shouldn't be. I did point out that birth control is prescribed to girls for reasons other than to prevent pregnancy from having sex. It really isn't the point though. I have been there and done that and been called that and a few other not-so-nice judgemental labels. I have to say that the people, guys and girls who called me this were either worse than me..or somewhere in their mind wanted to be. They had at some point in their life labeled that kind of behavior as taboo or a sin, and judged. Jesus didn't. He wept. I don't think it was because of promiscuity. It was because people were closed off to his message and his sacrifice.

I admit here I am not a true Christian and most likely never will be. I am one he weeps for or hopes for. I honor a lot of his teaching. I read the New Testament and a lot of the old. Is he the Son of God? Hmm..maybe, is that what is important? Who his dad was? He did change the world for good and evil. I have quite a few friends who are true Christians and devout, they are awesome people that I respect. Their faith inspires them to be better people, and they live it. I love them. Some other folks use their religion as a shield or wall to hide behind. They profess, and preach and are almost complete a-holes to everyone around them except the few who agree with everything they say. The holier-than-thou types, you know who I mean. Ugh. I avoid them, and try not to judge, really.

My one friend laughed at me and said,"Laura, you really can't start a religion of one." Sure I can, it is what it is. I found my God and continually work on this relationship. I am still more of a sinner than a saint, but I do have my moments. I have doubts, not that God is, but what his plan for me is. I know he is laughing. I laugh, sometimes, when I get the joke, too.

I am more worried about my kids tomorrow then me. I wish my hubby was home. I have been through all my CT's before, not quite alone, but never with someone. I have also had temper tantrums and took out my own IV's twice. Yuk, they are longer than you think. I also have had four IV's..um, don't know the technical term, swell my whole arm or hand vein up and explode all over the place. I have been overdosed with the wrong medicine, a whole bag of Magnesium, that one was awful. I almost had the wrong hand operated on. LOLOL. There is more. Another time perhaps?

I had to cut a part here for reasons out of my control...if you did read this before Thank You! Another time and place, it is still good and forever in my heart..knowing that you don't appreciate what you have in life until it is either threatened or somebody else shows you how by example.

First rule: Never let 'em change you. Rule 2: Do you. To the fullest. And never be ashamed to.

From my friend Tommy V, not sure where he got it. Thanks! Working on rule #2. The only person who can truly change you is you. Live, love, and be loved. It is out there.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.

Let's play a game, shall we?

Have you ever had the feeling, where you are an outside observer of your own life? The past couple of days, I have felt a bit strange, sort of in it, but also on the outside looking in. I was fighting the sensation at first and then just shrugged, laughed, and welcomed it. Especially, today.

My hubby and my girlfriend of 20 years were in town, it is her second visit to my home. We are close and I always think of it as "me casa es su casa". My house/home is yours and vice-versa. It sounds cooler in Spanish. LOL. Silly Americans, we are fascinated by other languages and cultures, but also remain aloof, too. A few phrases here and there makes us feel global. This isn't all Americans..there are international travelers of all kinds and stripes. There is also quite a few who are multi-lingual. But, for the majority of Caucasian/European mutt suburbanites like me..another language, accent, culture is an exotic flavor. Working with a guy from Africa, who knew at least 4 languages, he told me Americans are snobs. LOL.

We are and aren't. I think we don't mean to be, but that is how we appear to the rest of the world at times. I think it is due more to exposure and opportunity. So many of us are sheltered in our own immediate surroundings. Global news is hard to attach a whole lot of meaning to, unless it is especially graphic of some nature. Even news in our own country is easily shrugged off or doesn't make an impact. It doesn't really change much of our day-to day.

We also have the world come to us, which America is the biggest mix of cultures, religions, ethnicity, "classes". We brew our own too, from inner-city ghetto to militant gun groups, Amish farmers, way way too many to list..and each generation stirs it up more. It has been called the great "melting pot", LOL..more like the big dutch oven of diversity. A huge container of hobo stew that isn't mixed up very often, so the flavors just intermingle and sometimes blend, and disagree or shock the senses. Each spoonful tastes completely different. I find it amazing...the world does too.

"On the outside looking in.." but still in my own skin. Today, with my kids and puppy feeling down..we always do when my husband leaves. It is a double whammy with my girlfriend gone too. She is so truly genuine. I smile, love you lady! We all played a board game last night, that she bought us. After some protests and acting out, we all got in to it and had a blast. Thank you so much, Ms. Mindy, it was a wonderful family night that we will all remember for years to come. The smile and joy of your entire visit help counter the loss of your presence.That was just one highlight among so many. The distancing I am feeling really is helping me keep my emotions under control, and handle my kids as well. Jack the puppy is so forlorn.

The only real regret is I didn't get a picture of all of us. I have to get up, motivated. Had my intake of coffee, time to shower, dress, clean a bit, fold laundry(ugh, maybe) as I have physical therapy to go to today for my shoulder/ neck. It feels so much better. I visit an Ob/gyn tomorrow to talk about possible surgical options, and my therapist the day after that. I also have other appointments and chores to get to..mmhhhmm.

The sun is blasting today, 112/79 degrees F forecast...whew! We will all be inside till it cools down a bit in the evening. Hope my words encourage, inspire, or amuse. Trying today to count my blessings, remain positive, and keep this open line going with my kids. Being thankful for what I have, LOL..great FB friends, a hard-working loving hubby, my "real" friends(lol), my kids, house, puppy, use of all my limbs and brain. A sense of humor to laugh at the funny parts and keeping it real.

"Life is too short!!! Live it up, break the rules, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh loudly, have fun, make memories, and never forget or regret anything that once made you smile :)"

posted by my astral "twin"! TY!

TTYAL, thanks for listening.

I Stumble and I Fall

So what happens when we fall..or fail? I have done so before, I am sure I will do it again. My mind is still not all there yet. I am losing the fight today. Gladly, happily giving in to every base desire, so I can no longer think. Up the meds a bit and say shite to it all. That I know better is whatever. Hell with the consequences, tomorrow is another day. The scripture for this one was "eat, drink and be merry..for tomorrow we shall die." My dad was fond of pointing out the sinners in this one. It always irked me. It is true after all.

The problem with it.. being fat, drunk, and happy doesn't last long together. It would be better to have died right away. This post will piss people off..sorry.

I don't blame my folks for the way I turned out. It would have been nice to have a sweeter story, but all-in-all it has made me who I am.  There are people who had it way worse than me. I am still envious of posts of people who miss their folks who have passed on. My parents are alive, and I don't miss them. I do love them, and they me, but I find them very "negative". They usually make me sad. So I do the adult thing, and avoid them..lol.

I was at my thinnest when I partied all the time, mostly pot and alcohol. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's, and went to school. I ate constantly, because I worked it off. I was down to 125-130 lbs. *sigh. and was still heavier than all my friends. I have been overweight all my life. In American culture this puts you in a "leper" class all by yourself. I have watched America eat for 20 odd years..the thinnest people sometimes eat the most garbage you have ever seen and don't exercise at all.. Some heavy people are the same way. Some people work very hard at staying thin for whatever reason, they eat small portions of healthy foods and exercise diligently. Some people were very heavy, and work extra extra hard to keep off the pounds. We were built to withstand famines...so if it is the end of the world, and food gets scarce? Sorry, skinny people..adios.

If you have never been fat, and I say not 10 lbs overweight but minimum 20+ or so for a girl and 30+ or more for a guy..shut the hell up. You don't have an effing clue. Double standards, it was OK to screw a fat chick, but not date one or even admit you had sex.

Tonight, I drank some schnapps, upped my meds, a few other things and am now slightly buzzed and a bit stupid. It doesn't matter today, tomorrow always seem to come. I'll be hung over and tired, as always anyway. Not a big deal..no levels today as I am dredging down in the bottoms. I'll snap out of it in a day or two. My apologies.

 I am also not suicidal ..my one and only true attempt was at Utah Tech, I took a whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol, almost 500 pills (took forever)..I got very dizzy and passed out a lot. My one friend made me promise to never try to kill myself again. That he would never ever "forgive" me. Thanks Neil Jones, wherever you are? It has been almost 29 years now. Miss you, my friend, always, even though I think  of "offing" myself daily at least once, usually as a joke. The consequences, never saw a doc, only 2 people ever knew and my old roomie was pissed that her brand-new bottle of Tylenol was missing.

I have done stupid things, not caring whether I lived or died. I also did other things that took a bit of my soul and and returned it stained and damaged. My problem(?) with this now is I haven't found anyone to replace me yet. For my kids, my hubby..it has to be a true accident. Death is easy for the dead, it is hard on the living.

It balances out sometimes. Today is another day. The sun is shining, my hubby is home. I have errands to run and the agony/ecstasy part of my life will be on hold till later tonight. I will wear something sleazy for my hubby today..which is fun. I'll make dinner, cut hair, do chores..and wish for things I can never have and will never be. I'll try to prevent things from going down paths that I know are wrong. God doesn't give me the answers to this...or if he is I am not listening right.

TTYAL..thanks for listening. Thanks to all my special friends out there who I talk to...you have no idea how much each and everyone of you means to me.

"I Don't Like Monday's"

I am proud of myself today, to a certain point. Always have to have those qualifiers...it's okay. LOL, I am thinking it is what makes me interesting. I dropped my brother off at the airport today. I am going to miss him. It was a visit that was 20 years past due. He is and always was amazing. Geoff is the oldest and I am the youngest, though my mom miscarried at one time. Gordon or George would have been my younger brother. I wish, and then again, no. He didn't even get a chance to breathe, but ended up in a better place.

The proud part was that I am getting very good at navigating the Arizona freeway system. For someone who has no sense of direction and a fuzzy brain this is a major bonus. Yey! I only had one panic attack last night on a ramp. Damn vertigo! It makes no sense, my fear of heights, bridges, curvy roads. It features in my dreams quite often. I am driving on a road that leads up and up and up..then I am on the top looking down. Sometimes there are bridges, usually there are more windy roads that loop around. I suppose there may be a choice, but the fear wakes me up. Aaargh!

In real life, the fear is even stronger. It hits me..at the most inopportune times. It makes me feel a bit trapped here knowing I can't drive through mountains. I've tried..so not good. I am disgusted with this, even though I try to give myself a break. How many phobia's can one person have? My favorite author in one of his books pointed out that those who have been "mind-raped" suffer with irrational fears, phobia's, etc. that may never go away. LOL, since he is a "fictional" writer I am hoping for better.

Completely off topic, to my friend and fellow SA and Fb addict, I am sorry. What I said to you was wrong. I know it, you know it. I am not a counselor. I am in the same boat, sorry, I rocked it. I am glad you are doing better with FB, and hope you are doing better with other things as well. We are what we are..but we can get better. I do miss chatting with you. Whew! My brother wasn't even phased by any of my addictions or any other shocking revelations. The fact that I am non-political and have only voted once..LOL. I am very glad he is still speaking to me.

My hubby comes home tomorrow. YES!

Other things..my car is still smoke-free. (*sigh) This has been a major challenge for me. I know I missed my quit day. I am a big squawky chicken. I have another plan, but am not ready to share it yet.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength"

This was posted by a friend of mine, who can be very wise for someone so young. LOL..he said he never had a stalker before. No, I am being good. It does hurt, this fight. But I have won before. I am trying to break free of all the habits and fears that have me trapped. One step at a time..

My level..what is yours? What are your fears and how do you face them? How do you help other's with theirs? These are just questions..there are no right or wrong answers. I would be the last person to judge...as in not my job, desire, or life-purpose.

"tell me why? I don't like Mondays..." It is a song by the Boomtown Rats that was inspired by a girl  who
went on a shooting spree.. at the school across the street. This makes me cry inside. More fuel I guess...the world CAN be a better place. I have to believe that. I still love Monday's.

tying your own shoelaces

My son Max, didn't learn how to tie his own shoes till he was almost 9 or so. Renee did a little better, I think she was 6 or 7. I showed them how. I helped them over and over again. I had a book, with practise laces and a video. But they just couldn't seem to "get" it. The problem? Once they started getting frustrated and angry, I couldn't help them anymore. I had to walk away.

I asked other parents, my sister-in-law had  taught all 3 of hers at the time. She told me their K-4 teacher spent the first month of school on it. The teacher insisted it was worth it. The kids that knew got a chance to teach the kids that didn't. This also saved her from an entire year of tying shoes. I have to agree, so much important than learning to color in the lines. Renee finally "learned" from those very same cousins.

My husband tried also. Since he tied differently then me, it confused both kids even more. Other adults, kids, total strangers helped Max tie his shoes at one point or another. They would also try to explain. No-go. It wasn't from his lack of trying either.

I gave up! I bought him slip-ons, velcro tabs, zippers, even wire laces that you just twisted together.

I could never remember the little mantra about the rabbit and the hole. I had never heard that till I was much older.  I was 4 or 5 and was informed that I wouldn't be allowed to go to school till I learned. I so wanted to learn. I was the youngest. I dreamed about going to school. My dad explained it and showed me, then I got to try. I don't know how long it took me. It seemed like hours and hours at the time. He hit me until I got it right. I did finally "get" it in just one sunny afternoon.

My son finally "got" it. It took him years. Thanks to a wonderful sitter named Ian and Max, himself. I wasn't in any hurry..and it was one of the proudest moments of both our lives. "MOM, MOM... look, look.. I DID it. I DID it all by myself!" It was hugs, kisses and tears for me. "I knew you could, baby I knew you could."

There is all sorts of ways to learn things...easy, hard, painful, fast, slow. What and how are you teaching? What have you learned today? What is your level? Where do you want it to be?

Thanks for reading..TTYAL.

I say a little prayer for you

I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate America's health policies, medical mysteries, and health insurance. I still do.

I made it to the heart doctor, didn't get lost and didn't smoke in my car. My insurance was denying all my claims. They needed to know if I had any secondary insurance. Um, no..no..and no..duh. This is probably why I still haven't been reimbursed for my therapist either. Called and went through an automated robot voice..not sure if it is straightened out or not yet.

All my tests were normal except for a very small seepage in 1 valve, which they say is normal. OK, this means I spent almost $500 with the "insurance" to find out nothing. The doctor was nice enough to give me a prescription for a drug that retains salt. Other than that it was another test or two...*sigh. Maybe I will go back to my GP. My Canadian neighbor may be around in Fall, he's a doctor. If my hubby fixes enough stuff for him? LOL.

Another drug? That makes 4 scrips now...plus A&D, and a few other vitamins. At least they are all cheap ones, I worked in a pharmacy..some people spend a boatload of money every week. It is really sad. I hate taking any of them, they all make me nauseous. Plus vitamins, aargh..despise taking pills, even though I am a pro at it. My parents were health food nuts, we had to choke down at least 5 to 10 pills every Saturday and Sunday. By sophomore year this became a daily ordeal with my Dad. Kelp tablets taste like seaweed because guess what? They ARE seaweed! Blch...there are worse things though.(shudder) "sprout water" You really don't want to know.

When I started taking diet pills to lose weight and stay awake. I used to thank them for that. When I had to swallow ibuprofen dry or chew aspirin because my hands were hurting and swollen so much. I thanked them again. I could drink any kind of alcohol and keep it down at first because of vile things I was forced to drink and eat. So much pain and hatred, it is such a waste. I have grown up a bit since then. My Dad has a lot of the same stomach conditions I have. Both of my folks have had so many surgeries I've lost count.

Whew! I have calmed down even more. I took Jack the puppy for a walk and checked up on my neighbor. She is beyond precious and rare..truly sweet.  Jack also behaved extremely well and even showed off his "walk" skills and "jump" command for other neighbors that just moved in. There is hope for this crazy dog yet. I am just so proud.

I have felt like a great big brat in a temper tamper all day. Some of this hormones, I have figured out why they cause it menopause instead of meno-stop. Aaargh! Some was from the doc, some from my kids, some from obsessions, some because of money, housework. Stress that I have created for myself. Trying now instead to focus on what is real, true and good.

I pray tonight for me..and include that circle for all my friends, family and pets too. I also have specific people in mind, some I don't know by name. It doesn't matter, my God knows who they are and I really don't ask for things either. It is more like Uncle Russ had surgery, you know. My fb's friend grandma broke her hip. One of my favorite friends and her son, plus the rest.. Another really deserves so much better.. I end up global, for all the military people who should be home. For all the people who have hate/love, trials/blessings...my mind can't really encompass it all, but God's can. "He" was already watching over all these people, individually and has his own purpose for each one.

 I kind of pray like this all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less. Always have in a way and it relaxes me..the prayers circle around and come back. I don't really get answers just a bit of bliss. The best is when I can hear the music and know everything is going to be ok. It takes a bit of practise...and I don't always achieve it.

This is my level.

 What is yours?

Thanks for listening..TTYAL :-)!

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.