All I needed to know

There was a poster a few year back, it was All I Ever Needed to Know About Life I Learned in Kindergarten. It was cute, but annoyed me. Today you get the Laura's version of What I Learned About Life Working in a Restaurant.

• If you have sex with your customer's, co-worker's, boss no matter how discrete you try to be..eventually everyone will know. If this information is going to embarrass you, don't do it.
• If you tell your secrets to someone, it is not a secret anymore.
• People are happier when they are fed, and feel special.
• People don't tip on just how you do, they also tip on how you do it.
• There are true weird-do's in this world.
• You can't tell how much somebody will tip you based on what they look like unless they are regulars
• Don't fight with your cooks..LOL try the sweet approach first.
• There are thieves, liars, users, some you serve, some you work with, and some are your bosses.
• Do your set-up and know your info..it will make life so much easier.
• You can work hungover, in physical and emotional pain, or drunk or drugged..it will suck. If you do this all the time, you are a fool or desperate.
• Different customers have different needs, it is up to you to figure out what.
• Listen, not for what you want to hear, but what they are really saying.
• Things will go wrong, it really doesn't matter whose fault it is, you have to figure out how to fix it.
• Every day is different.
• Do your own work and clean up after yourself.
• If you never help anyone else , you will not receive any help when you need it.
• Have fun, joke, smile..it helps.
• Bitch, moan, cry, it helps.
•  Mandatory breaks are optional.
• There is always something to do.
• It can be exhausting and brutal, but it has its rewards.
• people die. ;-(
• Everybody has problems, everybody has strengths and weaknesses.
• Ask for help when you need it, if you don't get it, keep moving anyway.
• Look your best, try to be your best,encourage others to do their best
• you will screw up, don't be to hard on yourself
• you will meet some of the best and worst people
•  you have 3 options when you are overwhelmed walk out,  let someone else take over,or keep going. keep going works the best.
• customers think they are the only people you are waiting on.
• they also don't really want to know you, or your problems
• drunks/ druggies are only funny to themselves.

Enough, lol..I loved my job as I worked with incredible people over the years. I miss them. Always tip over 20%..for their sakes. TTyAL thanks for listening.

Been there,done that, don't want to do that, is that even possible?

My insanity is my reality. It is hard to face at times. It depends so much on what part of me I let handle it. If, if, if..

~~♥~~Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.~~

LOL, my eyes are open now to so many things. I am an addict and I have no control. There's a very big part of me that wants to run away and hide. Just shut my eyes tightly with my hands over my ears and erase all the bits that bother me. I could do that and it isn't as hard as you would think. It is just another mask or persona you can mold and put over yourself. The problems with this, oh my..

"been there, done that"

I can stay where I am running around in circles in my mind, or take rides on the crazy train. Even worse yet is the runaway train of  just letting go, becoming so blitzed that there is no wrong or right, it is all sensation and feeling. Always searching for the next "high or low", agony and ecstasy...the well of depression is always there, "using" is second nature.

"been there, done that, don't want to do that"

I'm lonely..I know I am not the only one. I reach out to people that I care for and love. I pray. I pay for a therapist. I am taking steps in the right direction and a few that aren't. I do screw up..lol.

Two steps forward, two steps back on a slippery slope that leads to the unknown future, been at the bottom, can't quite glimpse the top..it is supposed to be the journey and not the destination…lol, uh-huh having sooo much fun..woo-hoo..LOLOL. -me-(sorry)

Yeah, I've been a bit down. My last message of this blog will be more hopeful, the next level?

Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be broken.   

We teach some by what we say

We teach some more by what we do

But we teach most by what we are

 You don't get to choose how you are going to die, or when, but, you can decide how you are going to live, here and now.  

 Remember:  people will forget what you said ...

 people will forget what you did ...

 but people will never forget how you made them feel ...

It's possible..:-)
TTYAL..thanks for listening..if you aren't feeling the love, time to go give some. 

Climb Every Mountain

I have said I am going to try new directions. I posted a picture of me and my Dad. I was 3 years old at the time. I do remember this, we all wanted to go climb the "mountain" in our back yard. It really was more of a hill. It seemed to me that we climbed forever. I was the one who kept urging everyone on, we can do it, let's go, come on. We made it to the top and I remember saying "Daddy, Daddy, I made it all the way to the top!" He laughed, "Yes, you did, Laura Lee." His joke with this story was that the picture explains how I got there.

Despite all the bitterness, hate and pain of later years, I have this memory. When a little girl loved her Dad because he was her world.

 My dad is a highly intelligent man with a lot of issues. His own upbringing, of what I heard of it, makes mine look like a picnic. He left home at a very early age, I think 14 and supported himself  by truck-driving till he joined the Army. He served for twenty years, went through the Korean war and retired before they sent him to Vietnam. He died at one point in an Army hospital, his heart officially stopped and came back to life. He found his religion and it fulfilled an innermost part of him. He was a hard-working man who provided for his family. He also has a horrible sense of humor and enjoys the stupidest jokes. I called them "groaners".

He also had a lot of pain, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

I do not judge anymore, and the love and hate ebb and flow in an uneasy balance. I have too many of my own issues and problems to deal with. I am grateful that I am getting the help I need. Help, that wasn't available to him at all.

I wouldn't be here today without him, and I wouldn't be the person I am despite him or because of him. We made it to the top, Dad, now I have to climb the rest of them on my own.
Some of my hardest lessons in life were sorting out what things you taught me were right...and which were dead wrong.

"Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, till you find your dream." the Sound of Music

TTYAL..thanks for listening.

 Nobody is perfect, we all screw up..if we repeat the same mistakes over and over again, things will never change. I am learning now, how to be a better parent and not let the curse of child abuse go another generation for my sake and theirs. What can you do to let your kids know how much they mean to you? That they are loved unconditionally. It is harder and easier than you think and more rewarding.

Hopping down the Bunny Trail..

Hi All,

I know it has been quite a few days, crazy days..

I am here now today, trying to put it all in one thought. This is my 61st blog. I am at a crossroads of choices. I can circle around and around again..or take quite a few different paths.

 My blog has talked about addictions (sex, love, facebook, alcohol,drugs, cigarettes..etc.), child/spouse and pet abuse, mental illness( depression, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, phobias, addiction again, borderline personality disorder, manic-depressives, ..etc.) Asperger's, obesity, stigma's attached to all of the above..death, hell/heaven and beliefs in God or a higher power.

Where do we go from here? LOL


I have more to say on all the above, I feel compelled to write. I am not sure if it helps anybody else reading about my daily struggles or not. I'd really like to think so.

I have made choices in the past, present. Messes, mistakes, I screw up all the time. Facing the consequences ahead, I am scared today. I have to reclaim myself, my family, my marriage, my life or just continue to react. My therapist threw down a gauntlet of choices today. I am still sorting them out. Two of his challenges, no more Facebook or blogging. I can't do it.

I am a facebook addict..I do not have any control. I am not strong enough to give it up yet. Baby steps..

My husband will be driving home today. I am happy, but at the same time just worn out from the emotional ups-and-downs. Two and a 1/2 days isn't long enough. We have a lot to talk about and decide, choices.

My bonuses, I still have friends to talk too. Even though he insists they aren't really "real". My weather is beautiful, the pool is getting warmer..I managed to get in 1/2 way! LOL, I am such a big wimp.

One of my girlfriends is coming to visit next month, Ya-hoo!

My level today is facing reality, and realizing I am failing at most of my goals. I am working on an action plan. I am trying to not be too harsh on myself but at the same time not letting myself off the hook.
 I still have hope. I still have dreams..I am still hopping LOLOL.

Easter is about transformation, with sweet candy to wash it down, Spring is about re-birth and new growth.. Earth Day today celebrates the whole globe..I can only start with me.

 I am okay. I am hoping you all are at least okay, or much much better. My level is enjoying today, my next level is getting things done. Thanks for listening. Happy Holidays! TTYAL.

RLT stands for reality..

I have had so many thoughts on my mind. Some of them inter-connect and others just come out from random. I have been feeling insane, hopping from one mood to another to another. Cravings, desires, addictions, boredom, frustration, guilt and anger...and quite a few more that just have me crazy from one minute to the next. Not all are negative either, there's intense love, passion, happiness..OMG!

 I realize except for a few psychology books and the reading I do on the web, or paper I haven't read a whole book for months. Hmm..would that help? My brain feels too full as it is. I have started books, lost interest and put them down, weird. Really, really bizarre for me.

Therapy has opened up more things, which helps lighten or expose the past dramas of my childhood and present life. But d**n, all this other stuff..whirlwind of whatever is for the birds or the hounds of hell. I am saying choice swear words here, most start with ef's, esses, and d's. Just shoot me or something, it would be a relief. I am adding some more of "those" kind of words. LOL

I do take myself too seriously and am then jolted back to reality. My daughter, my son..my husband, even Jack the puppy...all need me to hold up. They rely on me, and I draw strength from them. Max is back in physical therapy for his knees. I found it odd that the therapist remembered me and not Max. Except when he is in the pool I stay with him, and "joke" with him the entire time. It is to distract him from the pain...and helps both of us. The whole therapy area hears us, and I have never really cared.  I guess they enjoyed it too.

My daughter's therapy is harder/easier in a way. Today Renee came out and right away, I knew. I hold her while she cries. She is so homesick for our "old" life back in WI. *me too, but as i told her, we take the good parts and re-build a newer better life where we are at. The tornado craziness stopped, my daughter needed me and needed me sane. RLT is her initials and I accepted that challenge the day she was finally born.

My hubby called and was tired, lonely and in pain..physical and emotional. It ended up being a good talk getting him to laugh and joke. Jack went nuts for awhile because I haven't been home 1/2 the day.Tomorrow? I don't know yet. Just enjoying my beautiful solitude and awesome weather right now.

My level today is being sane..facing reality. The next level is not just accepting it but molding it also. My life, my rules.

 Your level, where are you at? Where do you need to be? What are your rules? Don't forget to laugh..LOLOL.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL. :-)

heads or tails..

Today, yesterday...it is funny how things can change. Not even from just day-to-day but hour-to-hour, at times, minute to minute.

Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied. Pearl S. Buck

I copied this awhile back,  thinking really? I don't think so, we make our mistakes and hopefully learn. Or we do the "right" thing and keep going. Sometimes not even knowing how close we came to disaster. Other times, we know..because we have made the same mistakes before or we knew it was wrong.

But now..got to agree with this. Choices.

Who do I want to be? What do I want to be remembered for? It is never to late to start over? LOL, sure it is..but there is a difference between starting over and transforming. Call it a re-awakening of purpose...and you are never to old to learn something new or you are old. In the worse sense of the word, closed, shut down..might as well just roll over and die and get it over with. Hell.

I am not old, but I am far from young. Half-way to somewhere..LOL.
I have been fighting my addictions, the depression, the mood-swings and my obsessive-compulsive behavior..it has become a major daily battle every day. I win at some things and lose at others. It was so tempting to get wasted tonight, drunk. That is my only choice right now..if I wanted to push it  further there's some guys on chat that would love to talk some shit. Could do that sober too. LOL.

This is harder when my hubby is gone, especially when he is gone longer. It isn't that life becomes Eden when he is here either. We have a few issues, but he is my partner, my friend, my lover, my co-parent..we have been together a long time. He still manages to amaze me.

I am too tired to write much more tonight. But, tonight I won..that split-second aha moment that said duh, don't do this...and I listened. The cravings went back inside, tamed for now.

My friends help me with this..by being themseves..lol So so much. Thanks TC, and DW and so many many others.
.

I used to have an old joke, I used when talking about my past with others. How many men did I sleep with before I met my hubby? Hmm, missed that memo. I didn't know you were supposed to count them or take names..got me hanging..your guess is as good as mine. LOL

I avoided making a mistake today, even though I made others instead. but I am ok with that.

What is your level? What do you want to be remembered for? Makes you think, huh? Good.

ttyal, good night The sun will rise tomorrow and illuminate not only the world, but also us. It should be a beautiful thing.

  

 

FB: The New Drug

I wasn't going to write now. I was going to clean up the kitchen, and do coupons, stop off at the bank and go grocery shopping. None of that is done..

I did feed both kids and got them  off to school. Took care of Jack, the puppy, he's very persistent. I ate breakfast, and lunch. I even took a shower and got dressed. I am craving chocolate now. All I have is chocolate chips, so not my favorite, so I can pass.

One child is home already, Wednesday's are always an early release. Where did my day go? Facebook, big heavy sigh here..I am an addict.

 Not totally out of control, but pretty d**n close. I have been worse. Hard to believe, but yes. Hell, I am still so obsessed though. So many things are so rewarding, seeing how and what my friends are doing. I really post too much, and love messages. My pokees are all very special people to me, unlike the jokes about it. It isn't a sex thing, though it can be. My pokes are about showing I care, that I am there and am always willing to listen. Checking on a few I worry about, or care deeply for, that I just like or the one I "stalk".

 My current victim finds it amusing? LOL, idk..sort of. Well, he takes it all in good humor and he is "safe" in a way. It is really hard to explain. My old victim and I are just friends. We fight or disagree a bit, and make up..no, nothing like that. We have similar addictions, issues, and past histories...and are  alike and very different. I prefer the new reality of our limited friendship to my old obsession, much more rewarding and sane. I learn.

I learn something new every day, about myself, about the world. I forget things too.

I am usually honest, I don't lie very often. Spur of the moment stuff I am usually bad at. Sometimes, it depends on what is going on and who I am with. People I am comfortable with find me outrageous, fun, smart and witty. People I don't know, in unfamiliar social settings, find me strange. I hesitate a lot and I am visibly nervous, in speech and manner. I miss alcohol then, as it works as a common ground, and is a drug to boot. Serving tables was different, you put on a persona or a mask and had a job to do. Nervous Nellies so didn't cut it. The people I worked with, were all completely different personalities, but you were in the same boat. We had a lot of fun, grief, pain, work..life.

I forget people lie, stupid, I know. I expect it from my kids, so they don't phase me. For the most part though, I am lucky, very few people do lie to me. I find it helpful that I am a ditzy blonde with a fuzzy brain. Since writing this blog, I have had a few messages. The few guys who wanted to see how my "sex" addiction worked were pretty disappointed. By the time I was figuring out what they were already saying, they had given up in disgust, hah. I encouraged that belief. A couple were straight out obvious, delete. Most people have been very supportive and shared stories with me. I find them all incredible and inspiring, wow!

I talk to my therapist tomorrow, probably a good thing.  I have lots to talk about. Whew!

I know right now that I am still not all here. I want to be.. and I want freedom in mental health and going forward not backwards. I am actively using FB as a crutch, a therapy, an excuse to not go out and live. It sucks and I know it. Praying with my God today, I hear other people's messages loud and clear. Mine? The music is all jumbled too fast or slow and too many tunes playing at once. It means..I am going down some "wrong" paths.

The sex addiction is alive and protesting, I am able to deal with it. It is a test, not of my will but of my  own stupidity. One of the reasons I don't go anywhere and have anywhere to go. I am not willing to throw 20 some years of control and commitment to the one man I love out the window for some poor schlepp. That is also one reason I haven't joined Sexual Anonymous either. The last thing I need is knowing others like me, in close vicinity. I have enough problems with the S.A.'s I know on FB. LOL.. What? You don't understand? No, unless you have the same addiction, you don't. Thank God, you never will.

It is bedtime for my kids now..I have been writing this on-and-off. I'll finish cleaning up after the dinner I made and talk with my hubby on the phone. I'll Fb more and take my stupid meds so I can sleep for more than a couple of hours. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to do better...I realize this post is all about me, me, me..sorry about that. My brain just went with it today.

I am ending today with a post from a friend the other day. I don't know if it is his words or a quote he found. I found it beautiful. TTYAL and thanks for listening. I pray this was true for everyone..knowing it isn't possible, yet, but hoping someday..the next level..

"This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.”

Aaargh!

Today is probably not a good day to write, yesterday wasn't either. I am so irritated today, at everything. Myself, my life, being crazy, the puppy. The list goes on and on. I am trying to switch these feelings to something more positive, but this vast irritation is like a cloud of gnats. Circling around, you think you have avoided them again and there they are circling around again. Aaarrgh it is!

I overdid coffee, smokes and FB this morning. I had some unexpected and great conversations with a few people and said a bit too much to others then I should have. I so hate when I make people uncomfortable. I can get pretty intense at times. LOL, yes me..you think? I was also majorly avoiding working on medical receipts for taxes. I finally went out for lunch, to get away from FB and myself.

I did as much of the medical as I could.  I knew I was missing stuff, of course, most of my hubby's receipts. I have to get this all sent off tomorrow..shite! The post office here is a nightmare..at least a 1/2 hour wait on a slow day. I should realize after so many years that this will happen. My hubby will put it off on me, and I won't be able to get it done, without a major confusing back-and-forth with him. I do love our accountant. She cheerfully puts up with us every year at the last minute when she is impossibly busy.

I used to be so organized. LOl. That might just be a wish memory.

Tomorrow, I will see if I can take a shower and get dressed right away. That way, I'll have a fresh start. Breakfast for the kids and myself, get them off to school and then off to the Post office. It's a plan.

I had a lot of see-saw moments, ups-and-downs today. Why? Because I have been ignoring my own rules. I need to eat better, get exercise, cut-down/quit smoking, cut down or eliminate caffeine...and get out of the house for awhile. I can't quit FB, but I can work on not letting it control me. I could really use a puppy trainer too. The confetti of a roll toilet paper is all over my rug. *sigh.(I am waiting for him to clean it up) LOLOL.

I am going to go get some sleep, I am exhausted. I have my goals to work on tomorrow. What are yours? Just remember one step at a time..easy does it. No more Aaarghs! tomorrow.

TTYAL, thanks for listening.

Chasing My Tail

Reached a few realizations the other day. I will share those in a moment. For the next couple of lines I am going to sum up a few things about myself.

 I am a 40-something year old woman who is going through menopause. I have a 13-year old daughter with Asperger's who is a musical prodigy, scary smart and disturbed/depressed. I have an 11-year old son who is addicted to X-box, is a "super-taster" and has weak knees with temper issues. I am married to and love my hubby. Who is a functional alcoholic and is almost never home as he sacrifices his every day life to provide for me and the kids. I have a not-so-evil (ha!) year-old puppy, 1/2 Chihuaha and 1/2 Manchester terrier, who was a rescue birthday present. I live in Arizona, in a desert outside of a town in a huge house inside a vast suburb on the edge of nowhere. Whew!

There's more? There is always more..! I suffer from depression, certain phobia's and am a recovering addict..(sex, love, Face book..) I was a Denny's server, and am currently un-employed. I left home at 18 and for the final time at 19 to escape from physical, mental, and spiritual abuse.

 The one thing I have to say here is to all potential run-aways. I have been there and no, I don't know your exact situation. In America now, there are so many places to help..start with school counselors, or ask a respected adult, teacher to help you find help. If you do run, make sure you have a safe place to go first. Respect your folks, and caretakers and let them know you are ok. You don't have to tell them where you are BUT, give them the option of getting a message to you at the very least. Don't burn all your bridges!

I had a mental breakdown, facing the truths of myself and shattered my psyche. It isn't permanent damage, in fact, it was the first step towards truth and sanity. I have my moments, LOL..good, bad, up, down, around. I see a therapist and am on an anti-dep and anti-anxiety medicines. I am still smoking...d**n.

The thing is my loco puppy, who sleeps like a log 80% of the day and is out-of-his-mind insane the other 20..loves to chase his tail. He is doing it less than he used to but, he still has those moments where he notices it. What was that? He acts like it is something he has never seen before, ever. He tries to bite it ..and it moves..you all know what comes next. He chases it around and around till he gets bored, dizzy, or really bites it. That's an expression to laugh at, silly puppy.

I have been chasing my tail.

In my blogs, in my life, in my addictions, in some of my therapy... I have been explaining things, complaining, thinking I have found the next best thing. Now I am facing the fact that I haven't really changed a whole lot of anything yet. I am still way addicted to Face book, even though it bores me at times. Dizzy? LOL, I have been going around in various circles all my life. Now, I have extreme vertigo and motion-sickness. Youch! Do I really need to bite myself hard to wake up?

I know better than to expect instant results from anything. So far, I have been crawling forward, with a few side trips. BUT..(big but here, lol) I have to up my ante here. I need a more dedicated program for better mental, physical, social, and spiritual well-being. Hmm..I am on the right path, no more crawling..time to stand up and walk.

I am not going to get specific here, yet. I am working on my level..aha and see a new one to aim for.

 To my friend who sent me a wonderful message. You inspire me daily with your energy and love of life. It shows, you glow like a sun. So many are attracted to you, but you have to traverse more of the cosmos. You know that as unique and powerful as you are, there are not many who can match you. Which is why they burn out on you so quickly. You are never truly alone anyway as your God is always with you. Thanks for sharing, I am so glad I have met you. MUAH!

The rest of you may be on my level, or wherever..Do you have an aha moment? What are you aiming for? TTYAL thanks for listening.

the thin line II

I haven't wanted to write this one which is why I keep putting it off. I flirt, men or women doesn't really matter..it is part of who I am. I love innuendo, especially subtle..or outrageous. I have always loved phrases or conversations that had more than one meaning, or more depending on how you looked at it.

I see the opposites of things, good/bad, yin/yang all the time. I can see another person's point of view, as I can shift my whole perspective and look at it the way they do. I have had many of an AHA! moment because of this. It also is a pain-in-the-ass.

I waffle a lot..too many choices. I say it doesn't matter and for a part of me it really doesn't. What the other part feels about it. Oh hell. I hope I am not freaking anyone out here to much. Crazy is as crazy does. I have convinced myself of the truth of some pretty bizarre things. Sometimes, I was completely and utterly wrong, at other times, wow!

The problem with being an Fb addict and a stalker.. (besides how embarrassing!) is the fact that I can then ignore reality completely for awhile. My "real" life is somewhat boring and almost always lonely.  I love my fb friends. The bonus is that the obsession with my first guy i stalked is over. I check up on him, send an occasional message but...LOl. That's it. He has his good moments, and his own life..but the thrill for me is over. He's just a friend, besides having "fuck me eyes" and knowing a few too many things about me... nope, nada. I have another one now and a few more, and am trying to figure out what to do about it.

The "thrill" and all feels good. Too easy and too habit-forming..so I know it is wrong. I haven't crossed any lines with him or without him or with any of the others, either. That thin thin line..between just joking and serious intent. I can feel it there. I want to hop on over...and know better. So, I flirt with it.

My hubby and me have had a few discussions about all of this. One step at a time..he is willing to help, listen and learn. There are reasons I married him. Yep..still in love. He has almost quit smoking, last time it was a 10 year stretch. Facing his drinking? I wish he would accept help..is this a "typical" man thing? I am happy that he is thinking about it at least.

Working in a restaurant, we all flirted. I was one of the more crazy ones. You flirted with your customer's too. Nothing serious, and the Back-of-the-House was more of a tension release. People did hook up and see each other. I was never really tempted by anyone. They were all too young or not crazy enough..or(LOL) whatever and I was married/with Mark. It was safe, fun, outrageous..:-) Miss it.

My therapist? LOLOL..hates Face book. His "goal" is to get me to quit altogether, my "goal" is to get control and hmm..we have talked about it and will continue to do so. He insists that you can't have any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone electronically. I disagree. My friends mean so much to me.

My level? I am not sure today..I use my face book friends to have fun, to offer condolences, to get me to think, to care, to feel. Turning it off to spend time with my kids is a challenge at times. This Saturday, will be my plan day..see how well I can do. Your level..? You know if you have a problem with this. if you have better solutions, please share.

Time to go make some dinner, beef stew tonight and hug at least  one of my kids. If they will let me. Have a great day and TTYAL thanks for listening.

The Big Three-SAD

Sex, Alcohol.and Drugs..the big three. You can be addicted to just about anything. Violence, gambling, risk-taking, exercise, food, work, etc. You get the picture. The first three, yeah..I am a sex addict and also addicted to FB. I wonder lately if I am also addicted to emotional pain. That's a kicker.

My hubby is a drunk. I know it, he knows it. Hell, anyone who has met him for over a day knows it. He won't admit it.. just a  great guy who loves his beer. Whose friends stop by and drink with him or not. He is a functional drunk, never violent and always makes it to work..sober.

It makes him stupid..to me, and the kids.

 Which makes me angry, sad and so many other things. He is not a stupid man, and has a great sense of humor and so many talents. Why? Why do this to yourself, your family, your life??

Addicts have no common sense..none. If they were born with any, or have any they burn it up so they don't have to think. I have my own issues with this..LOL Heaven help me, but damn, this burns.

The biggest heartache is knowing I am helpless. I can't do a thing about it. It is up to him.

I do have choices, I could leave him, give him the ultimatum..me, the kids or the booze. The fear? That he would choose the alcohol now and I just can't live with that response. Shazbot!

So my level is trying to find my next step with this, for me, my marriage and my family. Your level? Look in the mirror and decide what you see inside yourself..good, bad, ugly..work on the ugly first. Bit by bit and move on.. 

Thanks for listening..ttyal..this did help to vent. :-)

 My fine line II will be coming soon...

the thin line

I really should go to sleep and/or clean up the second 1/2 of my kitchen. Too many things on my mind..

It has been a long day, I woke up on time. What I didn't know was that my son advanced my clock an hour ahead. I woke him in a panic. Then started throwing things together downstairs until I noticed the clocks were right. He admitted that it was an April's Fool's joke. I pointed out that not only is it April 4th, but that he got woken up a 1/2 hour early. He laughed and explained that it being a Monday school morning it would be more effective, so he had waited. It was also way worth being woken up early to see me in crazy mode. "I got you... didn't I ?"

LOLOL, yes, Max yes, you did. What a shyster.

I got a lot of things done today. Things that I hate doing, phone calls, appointments, taxes, insurance. I really shudder here. I loathe talking on the phone.

Last night I took the dog for a walk, our parks here are unlit and there aren't any streetlights. Beautiful Arizona weather, I am in shorts, sandals and a sleeveless shirt. I look up and around, so many many stars. I hate light pollution. As a teenager I snuck out of the house and walked my neighborhood. The primary purpose was to smoke cigarettes and later weed, too. But as cold and snowy as Illinois can be or even hot and muggy, I enjoyed the walk. I would go down by the creek and think it a damn shame that it was so polluted. I avoided the few cars, and only once or twice got asked what I was doing by people in cars. Both of those times I was higher than a kite.

My neighborhood was all houses, no businesses at all..5 miles away a few bars might have been open. Not that would really have done me any good. The walk to town was scary.. and somewhat dangerous. Later as I got older, my friends would pick me up My parents insisted that 9pm was my bedtime and way past theirs..even at 17. I got busted a few times..but I still went nightly. One of my girlfriend's Mom found out and insisted that I was welcome at their house. I became a nightly visitor.. and later stayed with them. Awesome people, awesome family..I owe them so much.

The thin line I walked...as a parent now?? No wonder my folks got so crazy about it.

My daughter went to a friend's house after school. I was very excited for her, had met the boy and his Mom once. I had never heard anything but good about him from teachers at school. They have eaten lunch at school together for almost 2 years now. She called me from their house, as she was supposed to do and told me her cell phone wasn't working. Cell phone service out here can be pretty spotty. No big deal. Until I went to call her back about 6:00 Pm, and found out the number was blocked.

That is when I realized that I didn't know the boy's last name, exactly where he lived, except which neighborhood. I didn't have any way to get a hold of her. I hadn't even specified what time she should be home. Hell...and duh.

My son and I have had rules stemming back from 2 years ago when he didn't bring his phone, was supposed to be at one's friends house and went to a different one and stayed out till after 9. Yeah, not a good night. Why didn't I with Renee?

I posted my worries on Face book at 8pm and had so much feedback. LOVE YOU ALL! went to my neighbors and was trying to call people who might know him. Then Renee calls...yes! After trying to figure out where they lived the mom drove her home. Jacob has Asperger's too. They had a wonderful night and I have made a new friend here.

Renee is in therapy for depression. This is her one and only true friend she has made in 2 1/2 years. She doesn't go to friends houses or have friends over or talk or text like any other 13 yr old would. I was so excited, still am and WOW! I went from panic mode to that intense feeling of joy for my child. She has needed this for so long.

Being a parent has been the most challenging thing I have ever done, being a wife is another...my levels. There will be a part two soon, but for now I have to get some sleep. Hug your child today and your spouse or special person..if you are alone hug yourself. The next step, forgive them and yourself for something stupid that has been bothering you. It will be worth it.

TTYAL..thanks for listening.

It's Been Awhile

Max , my 11 year-old son is lying on the couch, it is 10:39 and way past bedtime even for a week-end. His knee is going out again, his left one this time.. One of his physical therapists did warn me this could happen. Hell. 

I hate to see him in pain, that he is enduring an ice pack says a lot. I can hear his knee as he tries to bend it and it "clicks" loud..and watch as his face crumples. This hurts me as a Mom, I would take his pain if I could. It also means back to the doctor's for a referral and then back to physical therapy. It has been a year since the last time. It is a brutal process to go through and also to watch.

This problem is hereditary..genetics.

I had a friend say "show me your friends and I'll show you your future"..not sure if that is original or not. He was talking about drug and alcohol addiction. Right now almost 98% of my friends are on-line, only. My destiny??? A doctor can say, show me your family tree..and there is your medical future. Which does include addiction, as it is a disease. Other things, too. My family is plagued with diabetes. I have watched a few people who have bucked the odds of their genetics through rigorous exercise and strict adherence to a healthy diet and lifestyle. I have watched other's break their addiction's and live fully. I give them all so much credit.

The "typical" American way...we throw drugs/and or money, and more drugs/and or money at problems and mouth the words of what we are supposed to be doing. Fast food is easy and cheap. Fresh fruit, veggies, exercise..takes a solid commitment and a very strong desire. Losing weight is big business..so is being an out-of-shape couch potato. I always laugh at the "woman's" magazines next to the checkout, they have all the latest headlines. LOSE 10-20-30 lbs... without any pain or in so-and-so many weeks. The picture underneath it will be a new recipe for chocolate cake or the most indulgent dessert. The other pictures on the cover are usually about the latest celebrity, good or bad, usually from TV or the movies. The other blurbs will be about the newest hottest e-toys. Oh, and then how to save money, somehow. LOL.

Just saying, I hate exercise and love food.

I found a big piece of myself today. Ka-chunk..thanks to a friend I met on Face book this year. She is a smart, beautiful lady with a huge heart, romantic dreams, and great common sense. I wouldn't have made it through the past year without her. She manages to take pain and sorrow and wraps it around and somehow twists it and turns it till it comes out as hope and love. She's amazing, all by herself. Her soul-mate..will have to be one-of-a kind special. He's out there and their destiny. I believe, because she does. You can't help but love her, she's the real thing.

I have been feeling like a rat in a cage. A bored housewife with major past issues..OMG..I HATE STEREOTYPES!

 "I'M PRETTY COOL WITH THE TEMPORARY FORM OF HUMAN LIFE." Tom Walsh 



This was a quote from a friend before I unintentionally insulted him. Oops! It was a joke..sorry, you didn't get it. I still love this quote..




My level was learning about myself today..good and bad. I yelled at my son this morning beyond anything he should have had to hear because of my frustrations and later had the guts to apologize. He forgives me..but I have to work on that. It won't be a true apology if I keep doing it.

Your level is wherever you need to be..and then some, and you WILL know it when you see it. It is your future after all. Our time here is temporary, only a 100 years or so.. if you are lucky. What will they say about you when you are gone? What will they say about me? LOL...

"It's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high.." Staind

Shake and Bake..

I feel like crap, sorry. I usually don't whine, but today. Shazbot! The stupid part with this is while all my symptoms are physical. I really don't know whether it is caused by mental distress or a combination of both. Aaargh. It could be the temps too, it is hot and sunny at 99 degrees. Other Arizonians have assured me this is unusual. *sigh. Everywhere I move to the weather wonks out. In Wisconsin nobody could tell, the weather is always a bit loco.

I feel like a schmuck. Have you ever put a kid in the corner as punishment and then forgot about them? Oops! Jack the puppy was treating Max like his normal chew toy..so he got into trouble and was put in his cage. Normally it is only until he settles down..I forgot he was in there. Went upstairs and had an attack of the shakes..came downstairs and *sigh. It didn't hurt him, I guess, though now he is being extra licky..I feel so guilty. OMG..LOL.

The shakes? Have you ever had them? A terror kind of creeps all over you. You feel paralyzed in a way, except for your hands...which shake uncontrollably. Coffee or anything with caffeine heightens this. Since starting this therapy stuff, they can get very bad. The tremors takes over my whole body. It is either walk them out or curl up in a dark cave. Since I am fresh out of caves, I use my bedroom very dark and try not to think. I still have some of the anxiety left, so I will go for a walk later. I will take Jack too, I owe him at least that.

I have had these all my life, under stress..before a performance, or in a crowded dining room and you have to tell a table the cook's lost their order..a 1/2 hour ago. Sometimes it was walking into a party, or going on a date, or walking through hallways in school. Now they hit me. I talked and opened up a lot of fresh childhood memories yesterday. It felt wonderful then... a bit ago it was hell, no... now I am okay, mostly. I smile here because what else can you really do? Cry again..?? Um, sad. Plus, except for some dizziness, mild nausea, and an awareness of "skin", mine. I made it through what my mind can dish out, again.

None of this hit me today until I tried to do something besides Face book. My hubby left this morning, got the kids off to school. It was a treat to relax and joke and talk with my friends....and then ...

Obsessions, addictions, facing the past so I can plan a future and deal with the present..my level. it really isn't comfortable here. America stigmatizes craziness while it laughs at it..and shies away from the reality of it. I have been guilty of this myself, and still am. I am trying to work on that, with my daughter, me others I know and now love. I also refuse to be a stereotype..of anything.

Your level..hard to say. I don't know you..I think the challenge is to come up with your own. Something that improves you and then improves the people and the world around you.

TTYL thanks for listening...

The oven outside has cooled down now.. the shake and bake is done.You can all say now in a thick Southern accent .."and I helped!"