Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.
I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)
THAT is depression.
The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.
LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.
I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.
I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.
Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.
How many days? However as many as we get.
I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)
THAT is depression.
The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.
LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.
I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.
I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.
 |
| AZ morning |
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston
Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.
How many days? However as many as we get.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.