Another one..how many can there be?

Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.

I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)

THAT is depression.

The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.

LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.

I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.

I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.

AZ morning

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston

Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

How many days? However as many as we get.

You Are Going to Know..

I said good-bye to my hubby again, back to Utah he goes. It is only for one month, and he is going to be able to fly home for his off-times. Okay. I would like to say whatever, I don't give a shit. I can't because I do care. This is ripping me up inside. I don't want him gone, and especially not so far away. I have other friends who are going through worse nightmares than me. I feel even worse being a big cry-baby about it. I don't want to do this.

It is not surprising that my depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hurt all over and am crying sad. I am so damn tired, it is beyond bullshit. Yet, I sleep for crap. I crave my smokes, and am glad I don't have them. I am also glad my stomach hurts so bad, it prevents me from over-eating. I have been having crying jags again, my kids help with these. I try to go do something, find something else to do. Distraction.

Jack the puppy helps and drives me nuts, too. He knows how sad I am. He won't leave me alone. It is a mixed blessing. He really stinks. I am very disappointed in the pet groomer's this time. I don't think they emptied his anals and his wash? It wasn't very good. He's got really bad dandruff. All this negativity..I know. It really isn't helping.

I see my surgeon Monday. Whatever.

I see my therapist Tuesday. I really don't think our relationship is working. He did help me, but we have stalled or reached a wall or something. I am so frustrated with it all. I can't even explain that. I had such hopes of reaching some kind of relief or feeling better or something. I feel worse..about myself, about my life, about everything. I am still an Fb addict and stalker. I still am depressed and lonely. I am still a lousy parent. My hubby is still a drunk.

The only bonus, I quit smoking. That was me and my hypnotist. My kids help a lot with this. My hubby does not, did not, not really. My girlfriend or his mom, either. Except, at some point they would all reek so bad of smoke that it was a big turn-off. I keep looking for my smokes at times and then realize they aren't there. The calming point is that it is okay. I don't need them. I would like to be that way with fb. If I could find the switch that turns desperation into peace. The stupid part is I have it every once in awhile. I can fake it with pain meds and booze, knowing it isn't real. The pain meds are going to run out, though there is ways to get more. There is always an ocean of booze to drown in...I have swam there before.

Did I say I am tired? LOLOL. My doctor's office called and told me I am really anemic, again. Yep, told you nothing has changed. I can't take the iron pills at all..tried but was really bad. Oh, well.

Praying? I am still praying, and the sad part is I have met some really awesome god-type people who really do shine. There way isn't for me. I wish I could explain that. No. Some of them have helped me a lot, others have hurt me even more. The dumb part is when I let them. I wish.

My therapist ends every session with that question, what do you wish for right now? I wish I could wake-up and realize it has all been a very strange dream. Except my reality is too real and my fantasies are too fuzzy. My dreams? I can't talk about those. All I am trying to fix is me, I am the broken one. There is so many others but I can't help them.

I will cheer up, this is just one of my many faces..my emotional masks I become and cycle through. Crazy, yes. My one friend called it my "pity party". He's got a point, I am not sure how to stop playing it. LOl, I will bore myself with it, I hope soon and be done with it. The question the other day was do you know someone who is still alive because you didn't want to go to jail or hell? Hah.

Levels, changing the world? So many people are just striving to survive. Others are working at what they think is important. This changes. Tomorrow is another day, another dawn..I'll still be here, hopefully in a better mood. Today? Today is done. Thanks for listening. Love you all..schmuck that I am..have a wondrous tomorrow.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey 

..when the bullet hits the bone. I own no right to this song or video..

A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

Big Girls, don't cry..

I told myself no matter what I am not going to cry today. I did okay. I think I helped a friend out this morning. I hope it ends up being two friends. That would be a bonus. I didn't drink too much coffee, took my anti-deps, but no pain pills. I have been really craving a smoke, but no. I am still doing good, smoke-free. I took a shower, even shaved my legs. Which is hard to do when you have recently healed scar tissue. I finally started laundry, dishes and washed counters. All of this was back and forth between Facebook, my blog, other people's blogs and taking care of Jack.

My hubby got called into work, we had to cancel plans we had made. It bites. He was gone before I woke up. My kids didn't get up till 10:30-11. I know! I fed them lunch and even started on coupons and papers. I have known it was the anniversary of 9-11 since I woke up. It is a sad day, and one I will never forget. I just have had enough sadness, though. I don't want to cry anymore. Not for me, not for any of them, not for any reason. I am on 2 anti-depressants. You would think that would help? No.

I am boo-hooing like a baby, and I really don't even know why. Is it because I feel everybody's sadness? Or that I can barely have a 2 sentence conversation with either of my kids. I talk to the puppy more. Nobody really wants to talk on Facebook either. Though I did realize that I had made a public post private, hmm..maybe. I am not sure what I did. I also was tinkering with my blog on-and-off and updated a few things. I think some of that re-published stuff. Do you like it? The changes I mean.

I need more friends, real friends. I am so tired of talking to myself or the dog. I talk to my therapist but I pay him. I talk to my hubby too, but that is really messed up right now. My two friends I message the most, have their own lives, families and problems. My other FB friends help me balance it more but, damn.

I am lonely. That was what I said in my first blog and despite all my personal growth and what-not. I am still lonely and bored. I'll be okay, it is just that I don't want to be just okay or surviving. Some lasting internal joy would be nice. Something to do, wow I am such a whiner. Telling myself that really doesn't help at this point. I am still crying.

Ok. doing better, sorry. Maybe I need to up those happy pills some more. OMG-LOL. Went out and did retail therapy and got some great deals. Even though my hubby has been gone all day, it doesn't matter. Whatever. I am fine. Tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening TTYAL. My level has been to get off my pity party..and bug at least one of my kids. Laughing now.

Fish swim, but can't climb trees.

Hi all!

I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.

I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.

It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were  an excellent idea though.

I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called  that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.

I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.

My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.

My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!

My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.

I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..

I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL

Before you talk to kids, remember this: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

~Albert Einstein~

Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)

drift away..

I am so crabby today. and irritable..no real reason for it. PMS maybe, stupid hormones. My skin is crawly, feel bloated, ugly and mean. Some parts just ache, my shoulder, my hip, my teeth, my hand, my feet..pins-and -needles. An effin headache that comes and goes, and a loopy digestive system. I am tired now, but not sleepy and my energy levels are on the fritz. Hot then cold, bored but lazy. I am also dying of thirst and nothing is quenching it. Have I whined enough yet? LOL..I CAN still laugh at myself..about the only bonus.

I have friends and family with real physical ailments, who are battling cancer, or the daily struggle of RA, Lupus, Diabetes and quite a few ugly things. Usually where the treatments are (almost) worse than the disease. There is no cures.

I have friends and family who also are afflicted with depression, PTS(post-traumatic syndrome), bi-polar, alcoholism, and addiction..plus a few other things. There is treatment and help available..the hardest part of this is not my own struggle but watching others losing the battle and not even realizing it. I feel that pain, and empathize with others that have the same sense of horror and loss. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to.

My hubby leaves tomorrow, my kids have 5 days of school left, my puppy stinks. Lol, just the facts ma'am. It is raining in the desert tonight, it has been months. It smells and feels wonderful.

I have a very good life and I am grateful for it, I have been blessed in so many ways. I am just not happy with the face I see in the mirror today. I am having an "off day?" I have a friend I blocked today, I find a lot of his posts amusing or good, but his negativity towards woman..ugh. Woman are sex objects to him. I finally reached a limit. Fat, ugly woman..? What a schmuck.

I have another friend who I may permanently block..I don't like him and that bothers me. He's negative and mean, and mentally handicapped. I don't have the patience. I admire the ones that do.

I'll be okay, just needed to vent a bit I guess. I apologize for the negativity. I can't even discuss levels today, I am looking for release and peace. Tomorrow will be another day. The title is from a song from Uncle Cracker.. Drift Away. I own no rights to this song. Thanks for listening and TTYAL, going to drift away into slumber land, I hope.

woke up this morning..

Today, LOLOL

Yeah, today I woke up. I can say things got better.. they did. The waking up part though, we take it as a given every day. I curse it lately as my sleep patterns are all whacked. I did okay today, it was 5 AM or so. My daughter was already up. *sigh. I felt like she has invaded my space and my time slot. Plus, the deja vu moment of seeing her exactly where she had been when I went to sleep. Did she sleep at all? Found out she did, just not much.

I am not the only one with sleep problems. It is a very common complaint on FB. Mine is a combo of all sorts of things, and pre-menopause. Renee, my daughter, has depression and hormones. We are more alike than we care to admit. I laugh here. The therapy has helped, my relationship with her has been steadily improving. I am loving it, normally I would have been yelling at her or being a "bitch" of some kind. Instead we talked pleasantly and she went and took a shower, without a fight of any kind. Wow!

I was very sick, physically for a few days. IBS and my hernia, plus stress and not eating right, I have felt so much better. Decided my bathroom really could use a new paint job too. Ugh! Was it the iron pills or the sips of vanilla shake? Who knows? I did manage to NOT throw up..YEY! A personal daily goal that I am always happy to fulfill.

Mother's day is difficult, and a few other things. I couldn't figure out WTFH my problem was. A video of a guy in a wheelchair set me straight. Guilt, we all have it..don't need it. So why are we hanging on to it?

I am not so sure about no guilt ever. Hmm, really have to think about that. But, as an addict and a human, I tend to build emotions to incredibly insane amounts. Forgive..yourself and others. For me letting things go was like losing a 1000 lbs of shite. It will build again, and I will have to tackle the mountain, but um..wow. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or being weak. It is more of okay, enough already...let's move on.

Today is another day, and yes..I have woken up again. Amazing isn't it? No, I am really not being sarcastic. My  one friend calls it a gift, I call it life. Not everyone is so blessed and then it is done. I had so many days where I cried and cursed..WTF. I still have a few where I will do the same. Life isn't supposed to be easy, or fun, or..what? It can be those things, and sometimes it is pain, anguish, suffering. Some days it is just blah, who cares? Those are the really dangerous days. Because deep down somewhere, you know you care.

I have had a beautiful sunshine day in the desert. Today, I had a little bird that almost landed on me..without any fear. I said hello, it seemed the polite thing to do. I also saw a smaller lizard doing his push-ups in the sun. I have a crazy black puppy who greets me with unrestrained joy every morning. I have a hubby who supports me. I have two beautiful kids. I have friends, who I talk with daily. Some give me a push in the right direction, others I pray for, or encourage, laugh or cry with. They are real. I am still looking for more ways to meet people here. It scares me. With Facebook, you can walk away or delete people or block them...actual life is harder.

Lately, I hear screaming in my head. It has become an almost constant white noise, sometimes very loud and at other times just a whisper. When I listen, it makes me sad. When it is all I can hear, I feel crazy in my own skin, I itch all over and hurt inside and out. Is this scaring you? LOL, scares me a bit too, my head, remember? It is different from my yearnings and addictions, though connected. I will talk about this more another time. I am still trying to sort it out. Wish me luck with that, a few prayers probably wouldn't hurt either.

To my fellow friend, SA..you asked me for help. Now you understand why I can't. Not because of what we talked about or didn't. I am not so sure what you want, justification or a way to change. *sigh. The fact that you have to hide everything from your spouse should clue you in to the problem. She doesn't trust you, with good reason. She also deserves better and so do you. So do I..lol...don't we all?

Another day, another chance to do something, to make a difference small or large. To act instead of react..levels?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. - William James

Somewhere, somehow, to someone..yep. Enough serious..

The fun never stops, it just changes its underpants---Deborah Hamilton

Still laughing my ass off, uh-huh. Have a wondrous day and be thankful that you woke up..I am today.
Thank you for listening and I will TTYAL.

Down in the Hole-No Excuses, I know

I realize I haven't published for awhile. I have started about 4 or 5 different ideas, and stopped. The past week has been difficult. Mark, my hubby, has been gone an extra rotation, I got to see him for 4-5 days last month, total. I won't see him this month until the following Sunday. The bonus is that his company is finally going to pick up the tab and fly him home and back again. YAY! That means 4 whole days without him being exhausted from a 10-12 hour drive.

I fell into my big black hole, it was slow at first. When my hubby leaves I try to put on a brave face, and then it seemed as if everything sad I could think of just takes over. I tried walking and exercise. I read some books, FB'd of course. I tried to veer it into a different direction. I got angry instead, it is not so hard to do. Then tried to take my emotional buttload and fill my core with white molten lava. Yeah, it sounds weird...lol. I used that energy and got a lot of laundry done and a few other chores.

 I have been fighting physical symptoms, my period(sorry guys) went for 5 weeks straight and became so heavy, I was in a kind of shock. Sleep has been about 4-6 hours. I go to sleep exhausted and then wake up with the sweats and shakes. Migraine time and then, the combination of my IBS and hernia meant a lot of intestinal pain, living in the bathroom and trying not to throw up. If I start throwing up it means back to the hospital, and another surgery. That would be # 3. I'd really rather not.

I lost it. For 2 whole days I went through the motions of living, and cried every day/night for hours. I am blessed with my kids and Jack, the puppy. All three of which hugged and snuggled with me at its worst. The biggest lie ever told, sure yeah, I'm okay. I did my best to help others with their pain, this usually helps. There was bright moments and laughter. It just wasn't enough.

Depression is a disease. I am sharing this part of me with all of you, again, not for pity's sake, ugh..but for clarity. For those of you with depression, you understand this. Get help, anywhere and anyway you can. I don't understand why I was "blessed" with this or others too. I just have to deal and move through to the other side of it.

 For those who have never experienced this..whew! This is not the sadness you get when you have failed at something or just had a bad day or week, or a fight with whoever...whatever. It is similar to the depression you experience when you face major loss, death of a loved one, divorce, physical pain/disease, trauma from all sorts of evil things. That sadness is a major integral part of the grieving process. It can also turn into major clinical depression. (That's the term)

All addicts have this depression to varying degrees, their entire lives. I am not sure which comes first, the addictive behaviors or the depression. It intertwines and you self-medicate with whatever to feel better. Depending on what "candy" you get hooked on, you then face a cycle of the ups, downs and hell/oblivion and then reality. Reality, LOL, what a concept.

I visited 2 doctors, my medical doctor. Yes, I am now anemic, and my blood pressure is still squirrely, more tests..and some theories. But, we are working together for an explanation. My therapist.. I got to release a whole lot of emotional BS. I don't know why paying somebody to watch and listen to me cry helps, but wow! I do recommend it.

One day at a time..I am realizing that I am in the first stages of recovery. I am an addict and always will be, finding the right solutions and strategies..a daily process. I am an active user, FB, food, nicotine, caffeine, and a few other things...shazbot!

I also have a lot going for me, great friends, family..which includes my hubby and puppy too. I have a brain, which while damaged a bit still works, and a sense of humor..

• Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that. - Unknown

Uh-huh..LOLOL.


Mother's Day is tomorrow, it is a good/bad day for me and I have a blog for it. I also have another draft that I have been working on for some time. I will share that one also..not quite ready yet.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Who are you? Who do you want to be? :-)

I have said this before, the only constant in life is change..and life is a circle. You are here for a purpose, and while you are alone in yourself, we all share the same sun, dirt and air. Our DNA is the same thing stars are made of..let yourself shine and share the warmth.

Thanks for listening as always, comments of any kind are welcome. TTYAL..missed you all.

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub." 

I am so sick and tired...of being sick and...

Today I feel like crap. God, I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL. I have the flu, or the remnants of it anyway.

 Getting my hubby back off to UT isn't complicated. I love him one final time, feed him an egg-cheese-and-sausage sandwich. Then, make a pile of food he needs to take with him, his bread, cheese, condiments and the left-over ribs with a bottle of bbq sauce. Then, it is just small reminders.."yes, dear.. all clean jeans are in the laundry room, just grab clean underwear and socks from your drawer" etc. He does the same thing, in his own way. "Yes, honey..I'll mail those bills tomorrow and cash the expense check, ok."Timing isn't essentially critical when you have a 10-12 hour drive ahead of you..Though, it is not altogether safe to drive at night where he is headed. He whacked 2 deers last year. I affectionately call him the "slayer".

We both avoid emotion, it is just routine and polite..we have done this too many times. Neither of us wants him to go, and there is no choice, bills need to be paid. We have shared these past few days, now it is time to shut that part down and get back to "normal" mode without him. I am barely able to function today though. WTH! Normally I go into a bit of a slide, funk, depression, mood...on the days he leaves. The kids do too. Today? I am ill, headache, nausea, diarrhea, chest pain, breathing problems, sore throat, achiness, general malaise and apathy. But all of the above is gradual, and not severe..some of which are a "normal" part of my life. It takes me all day, even after a nap..to remember I still have the flu.

I don't think this is "fair"..it is just  'not right'. I have so many other "issues" (left turn here, every time I say that word, I do want to laugh..box of tissues anyone?) Getting a virus on top of it all..LOLOL..I am cursed, bogeyed, jinxed, hexed, or receiving my bad karma waves back 3-fold. Ouch! I also have medicine head, very fuzzy and can't think straight.

My medical history reads like a map from hell..other's have or have had it 10 to 100 times worse, so I try not to have a pity party for myself. Besides, after an intial "Oh, hope you feel better soon" and "so glad it isn't happening to me (internal thought)" it gets boring and tiresome to hear and talk about...or even think about.

I have to make an appointment to see a heart specialist next week. I was supposed to do it the week before or was it the week before that? I don't want to. Not for the normal reasons, I am not really afraid of a fatal diagnosis. That would be too easy. I am more worried that they won't find anything, all tests will be "a-ok, with-in normal parameters." I used to get furious and upset when they said my medical symptoms were all in my head. Now, uh-huh..has a lot to do with it. But, I have said this before..are you really a hypochondriac, if there is actually something wrong with you? The doctors have been wrong so many times before..*sigh.

The next level? Healthcare in the US sucks or is the best in the world. It depends on who you are and how much you make..the middle class pay the highest percentage for the smallest reward. The lowest income get care, some beyond excellent.  The majority of it.. day-to-day care is institutionalized, beaucratic, and de-personalized. You don't want to be a zebra.

To flu or not to flu..sorry, apologize for that one..I am getting tired. Have a good night/day and stay well my friends. TTYAL.

the next day after the next..

I am really quite tired and not even feeling that great. I should just go to bed, but knowing I won't stay asleep for very long is frustrating. Walking upsatirs to a queen-sized bed by myself always intensifies my loneliness. Today while not good or even great was better than yesterday, yesterday was bad.

Loneliness and depression are always companions. Somebody said the other day that they could never understand the depths of despair deep enough to want to kill themselves. I have faced that despair every single day of my life since I can remember. It, for the most part now, is usually a quick flash/ idea.. a joke to myself that I don't share. I can find it amusing, most would be horrified.

I wrote that last night and got about 5 hours of sleep, today I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. Kids off to school, washed, and fed..LOL. Puppy fed, watered, drugged....you have NO IDEA..he takes care of his own business. I just love the doggy door. Showered, dressed..though could have shaved the legs, if I hadn't left the razor outside the shower. Made lunch, brought in garbage cans, cleaned dishes, put away stuff, laundry. Talked to the hubby on the phone..:-) Face booked, but of course!

Nap time..the kids have early dissmissal every Wed. Hate it..also hate that the friend that blocked me is now out of my life for good. It still makes me exteremly sad/depressed, but resigned. It was all an obsession on my part. Trying to force a connection that he never wanted any part of. Was it because he was so against it that I became so crazy? Don't know, don't get it at all, and this is my mind and my actions we are talking about. I guess that is at least one reason I need a therapist. Now that the glue is starting to stick again and I feel more like myself..whew! I am the sanest crazy person I know..or LOLOL vice-versa.

Will talk again soon, not even sure why I am writing this for or to who..but thanks for listening whoever you are. Bye for now.