Choice swear words...

I have been trying to adjust to the New Year. Not much has changed, but it still feels different. I have been sick again..damn hernias. I feel much better right now though. It comes on in waves and I will be okay for a while and then it hits. I am saying choice swear words. I may call my ex-surgeon tomorrow to see if he suggests anyone. I am so tired of fighting this.

My kids, are incredible. I am going to say that again. My kids are incredible. They do drive me to the edge and back again. Then they amaze me. Max is working on his own New Year goals. He decided he wants to improve his grades, spend less time on-line and be a nicer person. Wow, he came up with all of this on his own. Renee isn't doing as well. She is still very depressed, but we are talking more. One problem is she makes no sense at times, even to herself. I am working very hard at just listening and NOT commenting or starting to lecture. It is helping. The one bonus is her music just keeps getting better and better.

I am learning to move on. I wish I was doing more, but then I get overwhelmed and/or burnt out. Baby steps, one at a time..learning to fall forward enough and then catch myself. I keep being reminded of balance. I was talking with my kids about moderation, in drinking, in everything. They "got" it. Then of course they have to get goofy. I was saying it is easy to dehydrate especially in the summer heat in Arizona. I then mentioned while not impossible, it is hard to over-hydrate. Your body will try to refuse to let you drink too much H2O. My daughter's comment, "unless you are drowning."  LOLOL..she does have her moments. I know that shouldn't be funny but, it is.

I do not understand why I am wide awake at 4AM. I didn't even take a nap yesterday. I went to physical therapy. I admit I cheated out of some of my exercises. I just felt awful. I went grocery shopping and didn't use my coupons either. Gasp! I know, it is terrible. I am so living on the outer edge. Serious? You know your life is sad when you get excited that your brand of toilet paper is on sale. I have become my mom. I did marry a nicer guy though. That was a bit of a wicked comment. Whatever, I don't really think I am heading straight for heaven anyway.

My honey will be home again this weekend. Thank God! Praise Hallelujah, Amen. Winter break was horrific to me. It had a few shiny happy moments, but for the most part..blcch. I survived it as did my kids and the dog. My house could use some major TLC. I am trying to talk my internal self into liking housework. If I am going to be addicted to something why not make it useful like cleaning, cooking, and exercising? So far I have not been successful with this. I think my subconscious is too smart for that. More choice swear words..

Yes, I am still addicted to Facebook, though I am no longer a stalker. Yeah for me! The time I spend is less than you might think as I read fast and do other things as well. Denial is so lovely. I am still working on this. My  prescription medications are finally straight. I am not sure if I mentioned it, I had added an extra anti-depressant I wasn't supposed to be taking. Oh my. Plus I figured out I double-dosed on my others a few times. I was wondering why I was so dizzy? duh..there are also a few things I have spaced out too. I had a few people make some comments to me about this or that. Huh? I went back and read stuff I wrote. I was impressed that for the most part I was really nice. It is disturbing that I don't remember writing it at all. I probably shouldn't be admitting that.

Levels, I still have some goals in mind but I need to get some physical things working better first. Focus and then commitment will be next and a specific action plan that can be tweaked as needed. Change is hard. Staying the distance is even harder. Ugh. I will not let the lizard win! ?? I will explain that another time.

Thanks for listening. I am hoping you are having a lovely winter day where ever you are. My blog tracker says I have readers from all over the globe. I find this incredibly sweet. TTYAL.

“Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.”—Unknown 

Yeah, afraid so.

I wanna touch you..

Tonight is a night I could do without. My hubby is in another state. We haven't really connected these past few days at all. I get irritated. I don't want to talk to him on the phone or computer. I want him here, face to face. I need/want a physical touch between us. It isn't even sexual. I could blab about my day, sometimes he does about his. Right now neither one of us is talking or sharing anything. He knows I am lonely and fed-up. I know he is lonely too. This gets harder and harder, not easier.

My therapist said I had realized a lot of my goals and needed to set new ones. Really? I guess. I am way better than I was, but crap. He also said therapy isn't forever. Yeah, I knew that. I just don't want to think about it yet.

The two people in my life that I see every day are my son and daughter. They are driving me cuckoo. Part of my therapy is to learn better parenting skills. I haven't reached this goal at all. I am either too harsh or too easy. The love is there, rules and consequences, respect and following through all need a major overhaul and re-commitment. Does this sound familiar to any parents out there? Ugh, I let too many of my own concerns and worries keep a barrier between us. I don't think anyone realizes how hard being a single parent is, unless you are one. I am, but I'm not. One more group that I kind of belong to but don't fully.

I realized today that none of us ever went out the front door at all. Not once. I took garbage out back. That is the weird part of not smoking. I used to smoke about every 15 minutes or so. That meant I was outside for that time. Today I went out back, once, and never even unlocked the front door or opened the garage or gate. Huh, suburbian isolation at its best.

The worst part, except for a few of my neighbors, I really don't have contact with anyone I know at all. I didn't even see them. I hate it. This does not help my Facebook addiction which has been in full force the past few weeks. I at least managed to accomplish a few chores today. I caught up on laundry and cleaned up my kitchen, but blah. I didn't even take a shower..eww!

Still can't sleep even though I am exhausted. Ok, enough is enough. I will go try to snooze, thanks for listening.

"if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off" - michelle gray    "I am a human being, not a human doing. Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don't... you aren't." - Dr. Wayne Dyer 

Yeah, I am a bit strange, but it isn't like I have admitted otherwise. LOL, I don't own this picture and have no idea where it came from. Beautiful though.

the answer is no.(You are kidding, right?)

As an addict, my mind continually looks for ways around things. I have mentioned before that addicts don't think that "normal" rules apply to them or consequences. When bad things happen we think it is because we are cursed. No, we know we are cursed and nobody understands. We also won't or don't take no as an answer. LOL, or own minds just won't accept reality, so we change it, or try to. It has worked before, and when it hasn't, (see above) we were cursed or missed something or didn't know or..it is never really our fault. Until the day or moment we decide everything wrong in our life and the universe is our fault. Those times suck. Neither scenario is really real.

I have been trying to figure out the "why?" of how my mind and everyone else's works since I can remember. I am figuring out now, finally that I may just never really know. It still fascinates me though. Children of addicts and abuser's (the 2 can go hand in hand..) develop an extra awareness that "normal" kids don't have. We can act on cue, we were used to playing certain roles at home. I had to laugh when I first started waitressing. This is what I had been doing all my life. I was the one responsible at dinner( and other meals during weekends or holidays) for making sure everything was on the table before we all sat down. We all cooked, and we were all hypercritical of whoever had cooked something. Total bare honesty, it didn't matter, we still had to eat it and all that we were served. Of course, if we complained too much, we got an extra helping.

The only rule for not eating something was if my dad decided something was burnt or spoiled. He sometimes had a temper tantrum and knocked everything on the floor. But, he usually waited until we were almost done. I think he enjoyed putting down my mom's cooking more, making fun of her weight or ours. Actually, just being a complete and total a-hole. We got whacked with forks, spoons, and had food thrown at us. We ate food with mold, with bugs, and were punished if we threw up. I hated eggs, cooked any kind of way, lima beans, liver, and mushrooms. I wasn't thrilled about milk, either. We had to drink a glass. You could not leave anything on your plate or be wasteful. Other times, as a punishment everybody got to eat and you didn't.

I don't force my kids to eat anything. I admit I did go too far the other way. My son is the pickiest eater ever. My daughter has her Asperger's rear up while she is eating. She eats like my brother did..*sigh. It drove me nuts when I was a kid, it still does now. I am not going to go into detail.

Why am I writing about all this? I don't know. It was what it was. I hate that I am still reacting in ways to things that happened when I was a kid. I, at first,was always the pleaser. I tried to have everything perfect, be perfect, so my dad wouldn't get mad or mean, and would love me. It wasn't possible and it took me, and is still taking me a lot of time to figure out it wasn't my fault. It never was. The pain and sadness remain. That my Dad had so many issues and still does, oh well. It isn't my problem any more. That I have issues with different things..I talk to my therapist. I talk with my friends, and my frenemies. The people that don't "like" me are usually the most honest. It is painful, but true.

It always seems to me that I should have different rules. It isn't right, but a lot of the times I really don't care. Other times I look at myself and really say, what the hell are you doing? I have had to impose my own limits on things over the years. When I go overboard, which ends up sooner or later. I make up my own rules of how I try to control myself. Do I break my own rules? Well, yeah. lol. It depends on what it is. I learned to never say never, every time I did say that, for sure, without a doubt. Never, ever..I ended up doing it, somehow. Of course, this gave or gives me ammunition later. To berate yourself with.

Why? LOL, I am still working on that one. I keep taking steps toward better mental health. I slip, fall, every day is a different challenge. That's life. I think I am on the right track at the present. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Peace is attainable and I can be in control and not at the mercy of my desires and addictions. Woo-hoo!

I got to go get some rest, now. It is late. This is one of the times I miss a cigarette. The last one before bed. It's ok. I have some celery and am going to go outside and meditate, look at the stars and then go to sleep. TTYAL,  thanks for listening.

dawn, another day, another gift

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do."-Dale Carnegie

 ‎"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

I don't know why those two quotes, but they are both saying something to me on different levels. G'nite!

Too Many ughs, not enough Hugs.

Ugh, it has been a couple of days or so. I have written stuff, but trust me, nothing anyone wants to read. I feel like crap. Physically, I am in a dump mode. My intestines are cramping, I am bloated, sick to my stomach, my legs and ankles are swollen, my eyes hurt and are puffy. I had a mammoth crying session all day yesterday. I have severe heartburn and gas that I have taken so many remedies for. LOL, I am just pathetic.I am tired as always. Bonus, my blood pressure is fine.

Oh gheeze, it is so sad getting older at times. Having kids destroys your body. Time, gravity and what you started with in the first place are major factors also.  Then their is your lifestyle choices. Smoking, drinking drugs, all take a toll. You can add overeating, eating junk, exercise or lack of and work, plus stress. Your economic status plays a part as does reliable healthcare and insurance. Genetics, thanks Mom and Dad, and all your past ancestors. I have been feeling cursed, again. I'll say ugh again, and take another swig of my lemon/ginger tea with honey.

Yesterday I got the go ahead to schedule my hysterectomy. *sigh, Another effin surgery, I was so depressed, lonely and just completely unbearable, even to myself. Today, I got some things done and well, see above. I did get a nap. I see my ladies group tomorrow. I am very excited. My Canadian neighbor is coming down for a visit, which is always a special treat. I also have time planned to go see Mark in Utah with the kids. woo-hoo! I just wish I felt better, now.

I am doing better, mentally. I have read a few books and have managed to take small breaks from Facebook. My obsessions are always there, but the less I expose myself to them the better off I will be. It helps to be angry and crabby about it more than accepting and understanding at this point. That may change, but right now.  I would love to say eff you and the horse you rode in on. It isn't how I feel totally, but it does give me some balance, perspective and distance. Hate is so much easier than love, especially when there is pain and hurt involved.

I'd rather get bitch-slapped in the face physically than relive some of the "verbal" smack downs I have received in my life. These always hurt worse from people you care about, the worse part is the ones you believe and haunt your self with. You know what I am saying.

I am not crazy. LOL

Monty Python... "we are not worthy" They make it a joke and we laugh, because somewhere underneath it all we really don't think we do deserve the good things or only a wee little bit.
ugh again.

‎"Give, but do not allow yourself to be used; Love, but do not allow your heart to be abused; Trust, but do not be naive; Listen to others, but do not lose yourself."

Nice advice, but not always possible.  I don't know who owns this picture, but isn't it beautiful? It is something I think we are striving for.

No more Ughs? Stick them on a lower level and leave them there. If you are ugh-ing yourself, stop and give yourself a hug instead. Feels way better. LOL..thanks for listening as always. TTYL.

bye, Angel..

Breaking an obsession is never an easy task. I have what has been called "addictive personality disorder". My addictions vary widely from minor to major and everything in between. I am putting my quote in now:

"You can never make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice."

I made a choice. It is the second time I have tried this, it has proved very difficult. I don't think it is a mistake. It was past due, but God it hurts.

I have been praying a lot, sleeping and crying. It has proven to me that it was a wiser choice than a lot I have been making lately. I had a fixation on someone. It never should have happened in the first place. I never should have tried to pursue it or make it work, somehow. I had/have to get past it. I will. I hope.

I have to hold on to that hope, and other things.

I am trying not to over think it, which I tend to do. I am trying to get all this emotional crap out of my system, and I will feel better.

The fixation? I used everything in my power to not only make a connection, but force it. I have been acting out, in a way to cause chaos. A look-at-me, look-at-me type of response.

I have never met this person that I remember. I don't know them, I never knew them. They didn't know me and still don't. Nothing happened except me acting stupid. My head hurts. They helped me, they hurt me and didn't mean too. They are still my friend, somewhere, I just can't talk to them any more, ever. I asked them to block me and they agreed. They were also correct in saying that anything I did to myself has been on me.

I don't understand a lot of this, and maybe I am not supposed to. It makes me so sad. I do not want to be the person I am right now. This part of me, I abhor. The out-of-control part...the crazy section. The place of pain/happiness, ecstasy/despair and it is always a duality thing. A place where everything is better than real and worse than actuality. I can't stay here, though I have tried to.

I can force myself through to this place with drugs, alcohol, and pain...reality has really nothing to do with it. Now it is time to back away again and get back to.. a son who is sad, lonely, hungry and worried about me and himself. A girl who finds peace in her lonesomeness, a kind of social destruction, a puppy who thinks the whole world was designed to give him treats. lol My hubby who is so far away and works so hard. Damn you.

Dear God why? Why after so many many years, did you have to expose all my pain at once? I have no answers today. No levels, this page is about pain, loss, stupidity and obsessions. I may never post it. Or I may, just to show how human and crazy I can be. I know, sadly, there is people that can relate. Addicts. "effin morons" We do this to ourselves over and over, WHY?

I own no rights to this video, music or lyrics.




It is all one-sided, my obsessions. They don't love me back. Not the people, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, jobs, books, drugs, none of it. The people are the trickiest and hardest. Sometimes they care, and that makes it worse. They can never care enough to fill the void. Assholes are easy to hate. Nice people, normal people, no..

I am so sorry. "goodbye stranger, its been nice. Hope you find your paradise, tried to see your point of view, hope all your dreams, will come true...goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane..will we ever meet again. feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow,  feel no pain..." Supertramp

Tomorrow will be another day, and I will be okay. That's how it works. Thanks for listening, ttyal.

U R LOLOL

I have been thinking about what to write for a couple of days. It tugs at my mind quite a bit. Good news first, I am still not smoking. Today was very difficult with that. I kept forgetting and would be wandering around looking for them. Then realize, duh. Other times it was a conscious thought, after I get out of the car, I used to have a smoke. After physical therapy, I used to have a smoke. Before I did my coupons, before grocery shopping, after grocery shopping. It was my reward for so many things. What a waste of time and money. I miss it, though.

I passed by smokers outside the grocery store before and after shopping. It smelled really good. LOL. D**n! As for me, I have NOT been doing so well. Whew! Physically, my intestines are still messed up, my old hernia is a bit better but not always.  The new one is getting worse. I spend a lot of time in bathrooms between my digestive system and my period. It is on-and-off again, for a week now. Aaargh! I have been trying to take the iron tablet at night. It makes me very nauseated. But I figure I am going to go to sleep anyway, hopefully.

Emotionally, my kids, the puppy, FB friends, hubby and even my therapist have all helped me through some rough patches, some without realizing it. I go through the rest of it alone. This has not been good at all. I have my ladies night tomorrow and I am very excited and nervous too. They are all so sweet. I do my physical therapy every week for my neck shoulder. It has been helping quite a bit.

I am not eating right or exercising and I feel it. I feel my controls slipping and it is really pissing me off. I try to accomplish my little goals for the day, and rewards?? I am not sure. Facebook is my pleasure and my drug. I realized today I spent 12 hours on, not continually, but..yeah, So not good. I have managed to not harass my stalkee, with any messages. My obsession with him continues to baffle me. It makes no sense at all. My other stalkee has been so awesome, one of the number one things keeping me on this side of sanity. He is a god-guy, and my beliefs bother him. I think, I don't know. My sex guy flirts. I have others who flirt too or are trying too and others who are perfectly legit male friends. It is cool.

I have woman friends. Wow! All kinds, all incredible. I am so excited about seeing them, as many as I can for my reunion next year. So many things are starting to look up and I remind myself of that. Marriage counselling? Renee's as yet, non-existent Asperger's group or coach, Max, perhaps involved in a sport. For me, a part-time job and maybe an art class, or exercise..I always wanted to learn kung-fu or judo. Money...holidays coming up. Birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween...yikes. Life is here, I have to stay in the right frame of mind and just not catch it, but grab it.

My addictions, Facebook, stalking, coffee, food, sex/love, drugs, alcohol, reading, blogging, it is a continual struggle right now. I replace one thing with another. Music and God for me are forever intertwined, I am trying to live the message. I am so tired of being alone. It gets so difficult to sort between the logical response and the emotional ones. Who, which part of me, do I let take control? This scares the hell out of me, I lost five hours today. I was eating lunch, doing coupons, went shopping, came home, put a lot of stuff away and um..it is all a bit hazy. Crap.

This morning, I woke up at 4 am and facebooked and yes, other stuff too until 9:15 am...um..shite. It is now almost midnight and I am at a loss of what to do. I have to get the kids off to school tomorrow and clean/cook/wash  I HATE housework.

me

I guess it is time for bed..sigh.

I own no rights to this song or lyrics..at all.

TTYAL..thanks for listening..comment if you like.

"See more than what's shown, hear more than what's said, and look

behind the actions to the motivations. Then, and only then, you will

understand"           Will I? lolol

You Are Going to Know..

I said good-bye to my hubby again, back to Utah he goes. It is only for one month, and he is going to be able to fly home for his off-times. Okay. I would like to say whatever, I don't give a shit. I can't because I do care. This is ripping me up inside. I don't want him gone, and especially not so far away. I have other friends who are going through worse nightmares than me. I feel even worse being a big cry-baby about it. I don't want to do this.

It is not surprising that my depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hurt all over and am crying sad. I am so damn tired, it is beyond bullshit. Yet, I sleep for crap. I crave my smokes, and am glad I don't have them. I am also glad my stomach hurts so bad, it prevents me from over-eating. I have been having crying jags again, my kids help with these. I try to go do something, find something else to do. Distraction.

Jack the puppy helps and drives me nuts, too. He knows how sad I am. He won't leave me alone. It is a mixed blessing. He really stinks. I am very disappointed in the pet groomer's this time. I don't think they emptied his anals and his wash? It wasn't very good. He's got really bad dandruff. All this negativity..I know. It really isn't helping.

I see my surgeon Monday. Whatever.

I see my therapist Tuesday. I really don't think our relationship is working. He did help me, but we have stalled or reached a wall or something. I am so frustrated with it all. I can't even explain that. I had such hopes of reaching some kind of relief or feeling better or something. I feel worse..about myself, about my life, about everything. I am still an Fb addict and stalker. I still am depressed and lonely. I am still a lousy parent. My hubby is still a drunk.

The only bonus, I quit smoking. That was me and my hypnotist. My kids help a lot with this. My hubby does not, did not, not really. My girlfriend or his mom, either. Except, at some point they would all reek so bad of smoke that it was a big turn-off. I keep looking for my smokes at times and then realize they aren't there. The calming point is that it is okay. I don't need them. I would like to be that way with fb. If I could find the switch that turns desperation into peace. The stupid part is I have it every once in awhile. I can fake it with pain meds and booze, knowing it isn't real. The pain meds are going to run out, though there is ways to get more. There is always an ocean of booze to drown in...I have swam there before.

Did I say I am tired? LOLOL. My doctor's office called and told me I am really anemic, again. Yep, told you nothing has changed. I can't take the iron pills at all..tried but was really bad. Oh, well.

Praying? I am still praying, and the sad part is I have met some really awesome god-type people who really do shine. There way isn't for me. I wish I could explain that. No. Some of them have helped me a lot, others have hurt me even more. The dumb part is when I let them. I wish.

My therapist ends every session with that question, what do you wish for right now? I wish I could wake-up and realize it has all been a very strange dream. Except my reality is too real and my fantasies are too fuzzy. My dreams? I can't talk about those. All I am trying to fix is me, I am the broken one. There is so many others but I can't help them.

I will cheer up, this is just one of my many faces..my emotional masks I become and cycle through. Crazy, yes. My one friend called it my "pity party". He's got a point, I am not sure how to stop playing it. LOl, I will bore myself with it, I hope soon and be done with it. The question the other day was do you know someone who is still alive because you didn't want to go to jail or hell? Hah.

Levels, changing the world? So many people are just striving to survive. Others are working at what they think is important. This changes. Tomorrow is another day, another dawn..I'll still be here, hopefully in a better mood. Today? Today is done. Thanks for listening. Love you all..schmuck that I am..have a wondrous tomorrow.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey 

..when the bullet hits the bone. I own no right to this song or video..

hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

Fish swim, but can't climb trees.

Hi all!

I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.

I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.

It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were  an excellent idea though.

I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called  that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.

I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.

My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.

My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!

My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.

I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..

I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL

Before you talk to kids, remember this: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

~Albert Einstein~

Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)

drift away..

I am so crabby today. and irritable..no real reason for it. PMS maybe, stupid hormones. My skin is crawly, feel bloated, ugly and mean. Some parts just ache, my shoulder, my hip, my teeth, my hand, my feet..pins-and -needles. An effin headache that comes and goes, and a loopy digestive system. I am tired now, but not sleepy and my energy levels are on the fritz. Hot then cold, bored but lazy. I am also dying of thirst and nothing is quenching it. Have I whined enough yet? LOL..I CAN still laugh at myself..about the only bonus.

I have friends and family with real physical ailments, who are battling cancer, or the daily struggle of RA, Lupus, Diabetes and quite a few ugly things. Usually where the treatments are (almost) worse than the disease. There is no cures.

I have friends and family who also are afflicted with depression, PTS(post-traumatic syndrome), bi-polar, alcoholism, and addiction..plus a few other things. There is treatment and help available..the hardest part of this is not my own struggle but watching others losing the battle and not even realizing it. I feel that pain, and empathize with others that have the same sense of horror and loss. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to.

My hubby leaves tomorrow, my kids have 5 days of school left, my puppy stinks. Lol, just the facts ma'am. It is raining in the desert tonight, it has been months. It smells and feels wonderful.

I have a very good life and I am grateful for it, I have been blessed in so many ways. I am just not happy with the face I see in the mirror today. I am having an "off day?" I have a friend I blocked today, I find a lot of his posts amusing or good, but his negativity towards woman..ugh. Woman are sex objects to him. I finally reached a limit. Fat, ugly woman..? What a schmuck.

I have another friend who I may permanently block..I don't like him and that bothers me. He's negative and mean, and mentally handicapped. I don't have the patience. I admire the ones that do.

I'll be okay, just needed to vent a bit I guess. I apologize for the negativity. I can't even discuss levels today, I am looking for release and peace. Tomorrow will be another day. The title is from a song from Uncle Cracker.. Drift Away. I own no rights to this song. Thanks for listening and TTYAL, going to drift away into slumber land, I hope.

woke up this morning..

Today, LOLOL

Yeah, today I woke up. I can say things got better.. they did. The waking up part though, we take it as a given every day. I curse it lately as my sleep patterns are all whacked. I did okay today, it was 5 AM or so. My daughter was already up. *sigh. I felt like she has invaded my space and my time slot. Plus, the deja vu moment of seeing her exactly where she had been when I went to sleep. Did she sleep at all? Found out she did, just not much.

I am not the only one with sleep problems. It is a very common complaint on FB. Mine is a combo of all sorts of things, and pre-menopause. Renee, my daughter, has depression and hormones. We are more alike than we care to admit. I laugh here. The therapy has helped, my relationship with her has been steadily improving. I am loving it, normally I would have been yelling at her or being a "bitch" of some kind. Instead we talked pleasantly and she went and took a shower, without a fight of any kind. Wow!

I was very sick, physically for a few days. IBS and my hernia, plus stress and not eating right, I have felt so much better. Decided my bathroom really could use a new paint job too. Ugh! Was it the iron pills or the sips of vanilla shake? Who knows? I did manage to NOT throw up..YEY! A personal daily goal that I am always happy to fulfill.

Mother's day is difficult, and a few other things. I couldn't figure out WTFH my problem was. A video of a guy in a wheelchair set me straight. Guilt, we all have it..don't need it. So why are we hanging on to it?

I am not so sure about no guilt ever. Hmm, really have to think about that. But, as an addict and a human, I tend to build emotions to incredibly insane amounts. Forgive..yourself and others. For me letting things go was like losing a 1000 lbs of shite. It will build again, and I will have to tackle the mountain, but um..wow. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or being weak. It is more of okay, enough already...let's move on.

Today is another day, and yes..I have woken up again. Amazing isn't it? No, I am really not being sarcastic. My  one friend calls it a gift, I call it life. Not everyone is so blessed and then it is done. I had so many days where I cried and cursed..WTF. I still have a few where I will do the same. Life isn't supposed to be easy, or fun, or..what? It can be those things, and sometimes it is pain, anguish, suffering. Some days it is just blah, who cares? Those are the really dangerous days. Because deep down somewhere, you know you care.

I have had a beautiful sunshine day in the desert. Today, I had a little bird that almost landed on me..without any fear. I said hello, it seemed the polite thing to do. I also saw a smaller lizard doing his push-ups in the sun. I have a crazy black puppy who greets me with unrestrained joy every morning. I have a hubby who supports me. I have two beautiful kids. I have friends, who I talk with daily. Some give me a push in the right direction, others I pray for, or encourage, laugh or cry with. They are real. I am still looking for more ways to meet people here. It scares me. With Facebook, you can walk away or delete people or block them...actual life is harder.

Lately, I hear screaming in my head. It has become an almost constant white noise, sometimes very loud and at other times just a whisper. When I listen, it makes me sad. When it is all I can hear, I feel crazy in my own skin, I itch all over and hurt inside and out. Is this scaring you? LOL, scares me a bit too, my head, remember? It is different from my yearnings and addictions, though connected. I will talk about this more another time. I am still trying to sort it out. Wish me luck with that, a few prayers probably wouldn't hurt either.

To my fellow friend, SA..you asked me for help. Now you understand why I can't. Not because of what we talked about or didn't. I am not so sure what you want, justification or a way to change. *sigh. The fact that you have to hide everything from your spouse should clue you in to the problem. She doesn't trust you, with good reason. She also deserves better and so do you. So do I..lol...don't we all?

Another day, another chance to do something, to make a difference small or large. To act instead of react..levels?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. - William James

Somewhere, somehow, to someone..yep. Enough serious..

The fun never stops, it just changes its underpants---Deborah Hamilton

Still laughing my ass off, uh-huh. Have a wondrous day and be thankful that you woke up..I am today.
Thank you for listening and I will TTYAL.

Down in the Hole-No Excuses, I know

I realize I haven't published for awhile. I have started about 4 or 5 different ideas, and stopped. The past week has been difficult. Mark, my hubby, has been gone an extra rotation, I got to see him for 4-5 days last month, total. I won't see him this month until the following Sunday. The bonus is that his company is finally going to pick up the tab and fly him home and back again. YAY! That means 4 whole days without him being exhausted from a 10-12 hour drive.

I fell into my big black hole, it was slow at first. When my hubby leaves I try to put on a brave face, and then it seemed as if everything sad I could think of just takes over. I tried walking and exercise. I read some books, FB'd of course. I tried to veer it into a different direction. I got angry instead, it is not so hard to do. Then tried to take my emotional buttload and fill my core with white molten lava. Yeah, it sounds weird...lol. I used that energy and got a lot of laundry done and a few other chores.

 I have been fighting physical symptoms, my period(sorry guys) went for 5 weeks straight and became so heavy, I was in a kind of shock. Sleep has been about 4-6 hours. I go to sleep exhausted and then wake up with the sweats and shakes. Migraine time and then, the combination of my IBS and hernia meant a lot of intestinal pain, living in the bathroom and trying not to throw up. If I start throwing up it means back to the hospital, and another surgery. That would be # 3. I'd really rather not.

I lost it. For 2 whole days I went through the motions of living, and cried every day/night for hours. I am blessed with my kids and Jack, the puppy. All three of which hugged and snuggled with me at its worst. The biggest lie ever told, sure yeah, I'm okay. I did my best to help others with their pain, this usually helps. There was bright moments and laughter. It just wasn't enough.

Depression is a disease. I am sharing this part of me with all of you, again, not for pity's sake, ugh..but for clarity. For those of you with depression, you understand this. Get help, anywhere and anyway you can. I don't understand why I was "blessed" with this or others too. I just have to deal and move through to the other side of it.

 For those who have never experienced this..whew! This is not the sadness you get when you have failed at something or just had a bad day or week, or a fight with whoever...whatever. It is similar to the depression you experience when you face major loss, death of a loved one, divorce, physical pain/disease, trauma from all sorts of evil things. That sadness is a major integral part of the grieving process. It can also turn into major clinical depression. (That's the term)

All addicts have this depression to varying degrees, their entire lives. I am not sure which comes first, the addictive behaviors or the depression. It intertwines and you self-medicate with whatever to feel better. Depending on what "candy" you get hooked on, you then face a cycle of the ups, downs and hell/oblivion and then reality. Reality, LOL, what a concept.

I visited 2 doctors, my medical doctor. Yes, I am now anemic, and my blood pressure is still squirrely, more tests..and some theories. But, we are working together for an explanation. My therapist.. I got to release a whole lot of emotional BS. I don't know why paying somebody to watch and listen to me cry helps, but wow! I do recommend it.

One day at a time..I am realizing that I am in the first stages of recovery. I am an addict and always will be, finding the right solutions and strategies..a daily process. I am an active user, FB, food, nicotine, caffeine, and a few other things...shazbot!

I also have a lot going for me, great friends, family..which includes my hubby and puppy too. I have a brain, which while damaged a bit still works, and a sense of humor..

• Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that. - Unknown

Uh-huh..LOLOL.


Mother's Day is tomorrow, it is a good/bad day for me and I have a blog for it. I also have another draft that I have been working on for some time. I will share that one also..not quite ready yet.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Who are you? Who do you want to be? :-)

I have said this before, the only constant in life is change..and life is a circle. You are here for a purpose, and while you are alone in yourself, we all share the same sun, dirt and air. Our DNA is the same thing stars are made of..let yourself shine and share the warmth.

Thanks for listening as always, comments of any kind are welcome. TTYAL..missed you all.

Hell, I Don't Know Sh*t

LOL, hope you like the title. I have been having "days". Up, then down..life at its finest. I have more stories to write, observations on things. Have come to some conclusions, then realize that a lot of it is shite. The more you know the more you realize how much you don't and never will.

Everybody is posting on my Facebook about the death of Osama. I really don't care. I am glad that one "evil" dude is dead, I guess. I say "evil" in quotes as I don't believe everything the media says about anybody. My one friend posted, "Satan personified" uh-huh. I am so sad, that people are so happy about the death of anybody. I cried and still cry about the Twin Towers and 9-11, there were 4 planes that day. Osama being dead doesn't bring any of those people back to life. I remember how pissed off  Americans were about Arab people dancing in the streets that day. Now I see the opposite, Americans are dancing their happy joy dance of hate and retribution. The war continues..

I am not a "hippy love" freak either. I know how to shoot a gun. I am actually pretty good at it. There is people who I have hated. A small select few I still do, if they died it wouldn't be a big loss to hardly anybody. Funny, how those are the ones who seem to live the longest, true a-holes. If I had to kill someone to protect my friends and family, I wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger...or use whatever means I had at my disposal. People have died for way more stupid reasons than that. Always will.

I keep going back and forth between the thought that I have almost died so many times. WOW! I am still here..got to be a reason for it. I am trying to think of it as a gift and not a curse. I have my days..LOL.

I still have my goals for the year, expose child abuse/pet abuse. Lose weight/ exercise.. talk openly about drug, sex and alcohol addiction, run-aways, depression, mental illness and health. I had a friend tell me the other day that I have hope, and that is a start. To just keep doing what I am doing. My form of addiction scares the hell out of him. It scares the hell out of me too, even though I am cool with him as just a friend now. I have to laugh, because I really don't know what I am doing most of the time. I just care..and love..and feel. I am what I am, and that changes day-to-day on which part you will see.

I am ending with some quotes, that I hope make you think..what is your next step/level, where do you want to go?


 

"Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness"

-- Ray Bradbury (I think..not positive)

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless"

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." - Warren Buffet

My thought with all this is plant a tree, a real one or a seed of kindness and goodwill wherever you can. Show someone you care and mean it. It doesn't really matter what you know..it is how you live.

 

"Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

TTYAL ..have a beautiful sunshine day and thanks for listening.

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.

Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub." 

Balance is more than just not falling over

I guess I am writing every day. I have too much on my mind to post on FB..that is face book...for anyone who doesn't know me. LOL I had somebody ask me once to list all my addictions, past and present. Besides the ususals(drugs, sex, alchol) I still ended up with at least 10 e-mails, with multiple lists...yeah. I am an addict.

We are all addicts or at least born that way. WHAT? You disagree..you may be right but just hang on for a while. We are born as humans, completely helpless..we need food/water, shelter/clothing, and human care/love. The first two pairs are obvious, the last ? It has been proven over and over again that human touch is a need, not just a want. Babies need to be cuddled.

There are a few exceptions to this, autistic babies have the need, it is just too overwhelming for them. My daughter has Asperger's, so I do know a bit about that. She had severe colic and allergies for 6 months, plus she started teething at 3 months. She also had multiple ear infections, and was given amoxicillin, a lot. She reacted to everything, ibuprofen, tylenol, amoxicillin, ora-gel. One very unhappy baby and new parents that went a bit cuckoo. She did not want to be held, though she loved attention, but the only real relief was an electric bouncing chair, a swing, white noise, car rides at times, and benadryl, plus trial and error finding a formula she wasn't allergic too. Finding out at age 5 that she was allergic to the dye they put in the meds and not the meds themselves. Priceless.

So we all start out as addicts, and we find other things we like, not just need but like/love. Candy/sweets, toys, games, etc..and we stop at nothing to get what we desire..terrible 2's LOL. It is me..me..me ...I want...want...want. By 3-5 we have learned how to manipulate, bargain, and lie. We also hopefully start learning that there are other people in this world, sharing, love, consequences. Finally, we get that we can't always get what we want when we want it. There are people who know a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

Nicotine actually rewires your brain pathways, forever. I think for certain people, other chemicals do  the same thing for them..this is why  recovered alcoholics can't drink, or etc. for all those other "pleasure" drugs. They say marijuana isn't addictive, LOLOL for certain people it damn sure is..ask any pothead. I was one, still miss it. Alchol gets me drunk, I have no tolerance for it now. But I never know how I am going to react to it. I can get violently physically ill from a few sips or a whole bottle, blinding headaches, nausea, vomiting... or just get buzzed. In my 30's it started if I way indulged...OMG my hangovers started lasting 3 to 7 days, that's not just feeling bad, with extreme prejudice I used to call it. I finally gave up! I drink maybe once or twice a year at most, now and it has to taste good. I only have 1 or maybe 2 glasses..of whatever...and no desire to push it.

 I drank alcohol in my later 20's every day, and got high too if I could. The more wasted the better, I actually craved the taste of beer, or rum, or tequila knowing that at some point while I was drinking I would go throw up.. go eat something..and drink more. I never turned down getting high or a free drink..that was what I wanted. I was wasted every day on something for about 5 years...never got a DUI, or arrested, or any STD's. I had a lot of crazy fun, and met friends that I still love with my whole heart always. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's and went to school full-time at DeVry..where I met my present husband...near the end of this...when life became such a hell that I couldn't escape from it no matter how much I "used".

Now, I am fighting some of those cravings and addictions full-force, again... on-and-off and the emotional high/ lows..the meds I am on help. The people I talk to, my husband, number 1 and other friends... plus my kids, and now just 1 paid therapist. Every day is a challenge to keep my balance and recover it when I do fall over..which I do. Every day I seem to get back more of myself.  Yey, "we can make it better, stronger, faster.." OMG-LOL.

The next level, I am not to sure about..caffeine, nicotine, facebook..my present addictions plus a few others..chocolate! Living in reality, dealing with laundry, groceries, housework, cooking, a puppy, kids and being alone with very little money to play with...and nowhere to go. I need a job! Anyone hiring? LOLOL..have a great day and thanks for listening.