Another one..how many can there be?

Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.

I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)

THAT is depression.

The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.

LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.

I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.

I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.

AZ morning

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston

Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

How many days? However as many as we get.

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..