Changed My Song..

I should be asleep, but I can't. I know this. Too much caffeine and candy, for one. It was Halloween, I sat outside in my warm desert and handed out candy to the hordes. It was fun, I like to see the costumes and the people young, old, and in-between. I only got to trick-or -treat once when I was a kid. It was rushed and confusing, I was at my Aunt Char's for some reason I had a store-bought costume pulled over my head and was handed a bucket and went along with all the others. It was cold, and rainy and my cousins didn't like me very much. I don't even know if I got to eat the candy. My dad was so totally against Halloween.

We still handed out treats. My mom had penny jars, the little kids weren't so bad they thought it was cool. The other kids knew how lame it was. Halloween was serious business back then, if you didn't hand out something you got tricked. I guess my dad found it easier to go along with it then clean up the messes.

I didn't get trick-or-treaters when I lived in apartments. In WI, we lived on a strange one block street, one year I only had 3 kids total stop by. In AZ, it is fun, I go through massive amounts of candy. It amuses me.

Max went out with his friends for a little and then came back and helped hand out candy. It was way cool. Renee got stood up by a friend and decided not to go, she was so totally bummed. I felt so bad for her. A true compliment from a very dear old friend turned her around. She played me music and we actually talked.  I wish this happened more often. They have school tomorrow, I have so many things to do to get ready for our Salt Lake city trip. Aaargh..lol. I'll get there.

I wrote a whole other blog to a friend I can't talk to. I wish I could, I miss him. I am also so mad, and angry at him too. Thanks, I am F.I.N.E just fine. LOLOL..you don't have a clue, brother. I thought you did. I have been wrong before, hopefully I can learn from this and move on. It has been very bad. Not your fault, just the way it is. ick and ugh..I am praying for you as always for you and yours and for me too.

I have a couple other friends who I am now worried about, unhealthy choices. I pray for them, I can't change them or fix them. They are who they are. There is help available. My particular afflictions are a bit more messy and complicated. I know there is other's like me..I have met quite a few of them. I help them as much as I can, it helps them. It helps me. Maybe it is a karma thing, lol. I still wish..

I keep going, it is what I do. The next step, moving on..learning, growing.

God has plans for me, I think I disagree with them so far, lol. It has become an impasse. This is not the first time and will not be the last time we are at odds. Free will, sorry..it is what it is, my choice, my life. I think I will find out this is the way it was supposed to be, perhaps.

It could be so much easier.

It could be way worse.

No insightful wisdom just tired, but thanks for listening readers, Thanks for inspiring me to do better. Smoke free. wow.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow..other way around for my friends across the world. Feeling emotional connections, it is like a recharge to my soul. G'night and God bless.

I own no rights to the music or lyrics of the video I included, that is the property of Aerosmith. 

I Can...

The question was: Do you have a life plan? My answer was: You'd think everyone would or at least should. I don't. I am thinking about it.

I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.

My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.

My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of  birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.

My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.

"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere.  It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.

I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.

rainbows and copters

The married drug addict I hooked up with when I was 19, only hit me once...in five years. He never used in front of me and I didn't know. That he addicted me to cocaine unintentionally and without my knowledge, *sigh. That he stole from me..and lied. I knew without knowing. That he loved me in his own way, I will never doubt. Fools, both of us...I learned a lot. I finally opened my eyes, saw the cockroaches on the walls and realized, no.

Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.

Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.

My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL

This song has been stuck in my head all day..I own no rights to the video, music, lyrics, nothing.

Rainy Days and Mondays..always make me High.

The depression is taking over today. I am fighting against it and trying to stay afloat. I was in the pool holding onto a swim noodle. My feet weren't touching and the current just kept swirling me around slowly in a circle. A different viewpoint and thought for every 1/4 or 1/8 turn. I could look at the sky and realize my face was burning. Or put the back of my head in the water and not listen to a sound except underwater gurgle. Awh gheeze. I am so tired.

Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.

Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears  have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?

It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.

My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.

My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.

I have reached my limit and beyond.

This is not the end of it, though.

Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.

I am not "normal" either. LOL

As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.

I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.

All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it  just happened.

In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.

When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.

I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!

Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.

There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

from  Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry:  "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."

I am the Year, Day and Hour of the Dragon.

Down in the Hole-No Excuses, I know

I realize I haven't published for awhile. I have started about 4 or 5 different ideas, and stopped. The past week has been difficult. Mark, my hubby, has been gone an extra rotation, I got to see him for 4-5 days last month, total. I won't see him this month until the following Sunday. The bonus is that his company is finally going to pick up the tab and fly him home and back again. YAY! That means 4 whole days without him being exhausted from a 10-12 hour drive.

I fell into my big black hole, it was slow at first. When my hubby leaves I try to put on a brave face, and then it seemed as if everything sad I could think of just takes over. I tried walking and exercise. I read some books, FB'd of course. I tried to veer it into a different direction. I got angry instead, it is not so hard to do. Then tried to take my emotional buttload and fill my core with white molten lava. Yeah, it sounds weird...lol. I used that energy and got a lot of laundry done and a few other chores.

 I have been fighting physical symptoms, my period(sorry guys) went for 5 weeks straight and became so heavy, I was in a kind of shock. Sleep has been about 4-6 hours. I go to sleep exhausted and then wake up with the sweats and shakes. Migraine time and then, the combination of my IBS and hernia meant a lot of intestinal pain, living in the bathroom and trying not to throw up. If I start throwing up it means back to the hospital, and another surgery. That would be # 3. I'd really rather not.

I lost it. For 2 whole days I went through the motions of living, and cried every day/night for hours. I am blessed with my kids and Jack, the puppy. All three of which hugged and snuggled with me at its worst. The biggest lie ever told, sure yeah, I'm okay. I did my best to help others with their pain, this usually helps. There was bright moments and laughter. It just wasn't enough.

Depression is a disease. I am sharing this part of me with all of you, again, not for pity's sake, ugh..but for clarity. For those of you with depression, you understand this. Get help, anywhere and anyway you can. I don't understand why I was "blessed" with this or others too. I just have to deal and move through to the other side of it.

 For those who have never experienced this..whew! This is not the sadness you get when you have failed at something or just had a bad day or week, or a fight with whoever...whatever. It is similar to the depression you experience when you face major loss, death of a loved one, divorce, physical pain/disease, trauma from all sorts of evil things. That sadness is a major integral part of the grieving process. It can also turn into major clinical depression. (That's the term)

All addicts have this depression to varying degrees, their entire lives. I am not sure which comes first, the addictive behaviors or the depression. It intertwines and you self-medicate with whatever to feel better. Depending on what "candy" you get hooked on, you then face a cycle of the ups, downs and hell/oblivion and then reality. Reality, LOL, what a concept.

I visited 2 doctors, my medical doctor. Yes, I am now anemic, and my blood pressure is still squirrely, more tests..and some theories. But, we are working together for an explanation. My therapist.. I got to release a whole lot of emotional BS. I don't know why paying somebody to watch and listen to me cry helps, but wow! I do recommend it.

One day at a time..I am realizing that I am in the first stages of recovery. I am an addict and always will be, finding the right solutions and strategies..a daily process. I am an active user, FB, food, nicotine, caffeine, and a few other things...shazbot!

I also have a lot going for me, great friends, family..which includes my hubby and puppy too. I have a brain, which while damaged a bit still works, and a sense of humor..

• Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that. - Unknown

Uh-huh..LOLOL.


Mother's Day is tomorrow, it is a good/bad day for me and I have a blog for it. I also have another draft that I have been working on for some time. I will share that one also..not quite ready yet.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Who are you? Who do you want to be? :-)

I have said this before, the only constant in life is change..and life is a circle. You are here for a purpose, and while you are alone in yourself, we all share the same sun, dirt and air. Our DNA is the same thing stars are made of..let yourself shine and share the warmth.

Thanks for listening as always, comments of any kind are welcome. TTYAL..missed you all.