Fish swim, but can't climb trees.

Hi all!

I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.

I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.

It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were  an excellent idea though.

I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called  that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.

I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.

My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.

My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!

My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.

I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..

I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL

Before you talk to kids, remember this: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

~Albert Einstein~

Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)

Angels, sinners, and saints..

Today, today was different. Different is good. From Ground Hog's Day, the movie.

I have one thought after another fly by. I'll get the hardest out of the way first. I still hesitate talking about God, not only because of past issues. I can talk about sex and be completely at ease. God is more personal and private. Am I embarrassed by it? Sometimes, yes..people talking about their religion and beliefs can make me uncomfortable at times. So me, talking about mine..um, yeah.

It always amazes me that "God" loves me. I don't feel worthy and at other times feel cursed. Why me Lord? for either side of the coin..my crazy duality where I see, feel, hear both. Call me nuts, but God does talk through me at times. The words flow and I have to say them, afterwards I can not believe what I wrote, or barely remember. It is beautiful and inspiring writing. This can make me feel honored and to tell the truth..honestly and totally freaked out.

I have had a couple people call me an angel, I know at times I have a message. I hope it reaches where it is supposed to and helps those who need it. I have had a few "angels" talk to me too. Right time, right place and the words hit my soul. I also have a dark side, it talks too and I can sometimes spot it. It sadly comes out in anger, with my kids and puppy. I am learning to not let it control me. The anger, frustration, isolation of my life takes its toll. Tonight I went out and talked with a group of new lady friends. It was sweet.

I am going through medical issues and am tired of whining about it for now. I see another new doc Monday and am hoping with a grain of salt. I am so sick of feeling sick.

I am too tired to write more tonight, sleep will be a blessed relief. Your levels are about finding your own beliefs and trying to incorporate them into your day-to-day. My levels too..good nite all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

Let's play a game, shall we?

Have you ever had the feeling, where you are an outside observer of your own life? The past couple of days, I have felt a bit strange, sort of in it, but also on the outside looking in. I was fighting the sensation at first and then just shrugged, laughed, and welcomed it. Especially, today.

My hubby and my girlfriend of 20 years were in town, it is her second visit to my home. We are close and I always think of it as "me casa es su casa". My house/home is yours and vice-versa. It sounds cooler in Spanish. LOL. Silly Americans, we are fascinated by other languages and cultures, but also remain aloof, too. A few phrases here and there makes us feel global. This isn't all Americans..there are international travelers of all kinds and stripes. There is also quite a few who are multi-lingual. But, for the majority of Caucasian/European mutt suburbanites like me..another language, accent, culture is an exotic flavor. Working with a guy from Africa, who knew at least 4 languages, he told me Americans are snobs. LOL.

We are and aren't. I think we don't mean to be, but that is how we appear to the rest of the world at times. I think it is due more to exposure and opportunity. So many of us are sheltered in our own immediate surroundings. Global news is hard to attach a whole lot of meaning to, unless it is especially graphic of some nature. Even news in our own country is easily shrugged off or doesn't make an impact. It doesn't really change much of our day-to day.

We also have the world come to us, which America is the biggest mix of cultures, religions, ethnicity, "classes". We brew our own too, from inner-city ghetto to militant gun groups, Amish farmers, way way too many to list..and each generation stirs it up more. It has been called the great "melting pot", LOL..more like the big dutch oven of diversity. A huge container of hobo stew that isn't mixed up very often, so the flavors just intermingle and sometimes blend, and disagree or shock the senses. Each spoonful tastes completely different. I find it amazing...the world does too.

"On the outside looking in.." but still in my own skin. Today, with my kids and puppy feeling down..we always do when my husband leaves. It is a double whammy with my girlfriend gone too. She is so truly genuine. I smile, love you lady! We all played a board game last night, that she bought us. After some protests and acting out, we all got in to it and had a blast. Thank you so much, Ms. Mindy, it was a wonderful family night that we will all remember for years to come. The smile and joy of your entire visit help counter the loss of your presence.That was just one highlight among so many. The distancing I am feeling really is helping me keep my emotions under control, and handle my kids as well. Jack the puppy is so forlorn.

The only real regret is I didn't get a picture of all of us. I have to get up, motivated. Had my intake of coffee, time to shower, dress, clean a bit, fold laundry(ugh, maybe) as I have physical therapy to go to today for my shoulder/ neck. It feels so much better. I visit an Ob/gyn tomorrow to talk about possible surgical options, and my therapist the day after that. I also have other appointments and chores to get to..mmhhhmm.

The sun is blasting today, 112/79 degrees F forecast...whew! We will all be inside till it cools down a bit in the evening. Hope my words encourage, inspire, or amuse. Trying today to count my blessings, remain positive, and keep this open line going with my kids. Being thankful for what I have, LOL..great FB friends, a hard-working loving hubby, my "real" friends(lol), my kids, house, puppy, use of all my limbs and brain. A sense of humor to laugh at the funny parts and keeping it real.

"Life is too short!!! Live it up, break the rules, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh loudly, have fun, make memories, and never forget or regret anything that once made you smile :)"

posted by my astral "twin"! TY!

TTYAL, thanks for listening.

Am I very far now?

Hi, it's me..I don't know how long this video will play or if it will at all. It's Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla..the song asks, "tell me all your thoughts on God. 'cause I'd really like to meet him/her..

Love this song, always have. It has been going through my head for a day and a half now since a friend posted it. My thoughts on God..hmm. I have already irked a lot of God or church people with my beliefs. I respect theirs, they think I am missing something or feel like I am lacking. At first, I was really wondering if I was..LOL. See my post WTH.

Most God and religion talk creep me out. Some actually makes me nauseous and some of it makes me madder than hell. For example, there was a post that this lady put up a while back how a real shepherd breaks the legs of a wandering sheep and carries it back to the fold and cares for it, lovingly and tenderly until it heals. She then compared this to Christ and his being our true shepherd and how... OH HELL, NO, I thought I was going to upchuck. Lady, you really really scare me. Plus, I had visions of Stephen King's book/movie "Misery".

I am not a "sheeple." There is enough people, masses out their with blind devotion to their faith, whatever it may be. This is how rulers ruled for many years, religious or otherwise. The God was King and vice-versa. It is also how 'cults' operate, how fanatic's are born and  what motivates suicide bombers/terrorists...Holy Wars, The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Holocaust, the mass murder of a whole lot of "brown" people, Bosnia, Serbia, the decimation of the American Indian, the colonization of too many people to list, Jonestown...the list goes on and on and on. Fear, terror, pain, guilt, suffering, disobedience..death to the heretic and all that crap.

There's another bible quote, "spare the rod, spoil the child" people have been using this as an excuse to beat the crap out of each generation, and the next one and the next for their own "spiritual" enlightenment, ever since this version was published. I am quoting from someone else, don't know who, but the original Hebrew meaning of the word "rod" was about learning/wisdom/teaching. Books were written on papryus or hides and rolled on "rods". So by sparing the rod, meant you weren't teaching your kids. Huh, right? True too, how else are they going to learn?

I have talked about praying before. I pray all the time, sometimes with specific names and questions..sometimes just complaining, sometimes for the whole world or at other times for a stubbed toe. My God is always with me, always has been, always will be. I find this incredibly comforting. I, also didn't realize that for a very long time. I didn't always listen either, knowing and regretted it. Other times, I blinded myself with self-hate, loathing, fear, guilt, anger and unleashed it on people and myself. I still struggle with this, my kids, my hubby, certain friends have seen me lose it. I have a nasty temper at times. A saint I so am not.

Having endured hours of forced kneelings and seeing others in pain because of it, prayers said aloud that were personal condemnations, being told to go pray as a punishment. I find the concept "on my knees" umm, ugh. I'd rather laugh at the sexual innuendo's. LOL, sorry if you find that shocking or disrespectful, Who the hell do you think designed our bodies and made sex pleasurable? OMG! indeed. My prayers are for me, and I share my prayers sometimes with others, for others..I don't always ask the right questions and know at times that I don't or can't see the whole picture.

I believe in Evil, big and little as I have seen my own personal version of it. Done my own contribution to this, I have lied, cheated, stole, killed, maimed, sometimes intentionally. Some of my current struggles are from the "hell's" of my past, some I had no control over, and some I did or had done. I have read about, lol, of course..big and little evil's in the world...past and present. I still find it appalling that American's are the only country to have dropped live "nukes' on two cities. I think so many people didn't know what it meant, I am hoping. For those who yell "nuke 'em" now..are morons. Educate yourself.. Hiroshima, look at the pictures, read the stories and the tales of the survivors..and the generational permanent genetic damage.

Awwh, hell I am getting "preachy". Hate that. My God and my beliefs have made me the person I am today and it is an on-going process. I see God everywhere, in Nature and people, and animals. I also find it a positive and up-lifting experience. When I say, God help me, he does..to get through unbelievable pain...mental, emotional and physical. He also sings with humor, joy, beauty and laughter..my kid's laughter, a warm puppy on my lap, my husband's embrace, a friend's hello.

My God has a sense of humor..I think the Devil does too, but opposite. The kind of humor that is only funny because it hurts someone else. I think you know what I am talking about.

Will I call my own Dad tomorrow for Father's Day? *sigh, I don't know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. He tries very hard to keep any of the religious stuff out of the conversation. Otherwise, I'll say bye and hang up. He makes lame jokes which I laugh at, think Reader's Digest version. He will tell me about his medical problems, and my sister or brother's and their kids, maybe. He will get all choked up and tell me, he loves me and then get gruff and hand me over to my Mom. I do love them and I tell them so and mean it. They want/need to hear it, but wow, it is such a mess.

I also believe that this isn't the only dimension, or we that we are the only people in it. These are my opinions, and beliefs, I always welcome comments. I don't really want you to believe what I believe. eww! I want everyone to always question their own beliefs. I think God can handle it, and is waiting for us to.  I will talk about more another day..the Bible, Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Buddha, maybe...LOL. Awhh, Jack, really?.. fart, stinky puppy. Thanks for listening.

The song ends with, "am I very far now?(from God)" You feel it, hear it, know it.

Next Level-Next Step.

I am not sure how coherent I will be today, my mind is a messy jumble of I don't knows, what ifs and how abouts. It was a glorious two weeks with my hubby home. He left yesterday to go back to work. I know he will only be gone 4 days this time. Awhh, crap..I miss him. Both my kids and Jack, the black puppy miss him too. Some of this is his effect on me, he gives me a very necessary balance. My daughter sighed, "Dad's leaving? That means you will get mean, bossy, and sad." I told her I have been working on it...that is what my therapy is for. She informed me that I am doing better but, need to "up" my sessions. Thanks, Renee, I am laughing here. She keeps it real.

Jack is doing good. He still is a troublemaker, as always, but he manages to be so cute about it. He just brought his water bowl from outside. It was empty, as was the one inside as well. I refilled both, and he took a small drink, gave me a sniff and has laid back down again. If reincarnation is true, I really want to come back as a dog or a cat, with nice owners. I think their life would be so blissful and easier. I tortured Jack last night with a bath. He is so soft and smelling sweet. He is NOT going to be happy with his flea preventative, today. He is smart and runs away every time he sees it.


That Jack heals old wounds for me doesn't phase him at all. He's a dog, he lives and loves. I do wish he was a bit more of a mutt, I think that would have made him a bit less high-strung. My kids love, curse, play and ignore him. He can get mean and crazy. Renee has accused me of stealing him from her. Yeah, in a way she's right. They go hide and play their e-games and I was left to "deal" with him. I am his favorite, except.. Mark the hubby plays with him the best, they play their version of fetch and a few other games. Jack kisses up to him quite a bit. My girlfriend who will be coming to visit next weekend shamelessly spoils him by sneaking him food. He follows her everywhere. What a traitor. Yes, both of them.

I saw my GP today. Whew! The good news is my blood pressure is up in normal levels, again and my anemia has improved by 10 points. He gave me a referral to an OB/GYN surgeon and a script for physical therapy. I cancelled my heart appointment follow-up as they had already told me they hadn't found anything. SO?? I'll try the pt for my neck and shoulder. Maybe I'll try a chiropractor instead if it doesn't help. I am going to wait and see how my period goes. Other than that I am done being a medical guinea pig for awhile or a Zebra.

It is back to what works and doesn't. Cleaning up my diet again and adding more exercise is the first step. The second is to watch my stress levels. Third is my caffeine intake and monitoring my medicines and vitamins. Last is starting a quit smoking program. I'd like to try hypnosis again, but actually do it on a personal basis. Yeah, I know you have heard this song-and -dance before. I have finally accepted that a lot of my physical ailments stem from my mental dilemma's. Feeling good requires work and planning, at least for me. I have been here before and accomplished my goals.

Therapy, hmm.. i face a lot of challenges there. I am laughing though, today.. as having addictive personality disorder( that's my new term) I broke so many of the chemical dependencies so many years ago. My latest yearning for drugs and alcohol? I can say I'd rather not drink, then that I don't drink at all. This is probably not the way you are supposed to do it. But, for me ..when I give myself the choice I can honestly say, no thanks. When I try to force the iron band of no, my mind rebels and thinks of ways to prove that I should or could or how..makes no sense?? LOL, uh-huh. trust me, this is not the answer for anyone except maybe me.

I have lots to do and my first step is to charge my soul batteries, kiss my kid's, sneak up on my puppy with his  no-flea gunk and take a nap. TTYAL Thanks for listening , will write/vent sooner next time.

To my friend LKY, OMG! Prayers and love honey if you read this, I am very worried about you. Special prayers for Abby and Addison, two ICU babies fighting for their lives. All my other friends, you know who you are..keep going. You are all so amazing.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love.--"Mother Teresa

 "The fear you have about being insignificant is a deception. As long as you have the courage to act, you will matter."

You all matter..somewhere, somehow, to somebody, and yourselves.

more puppy love..

I can say without a doubt that I dread writing this. A post from a friend, never heard the song, but I love these lyrics.

Midway on our life's journey, I found myself in dark woods.
The right road lost.
To tell about those woods is hard, so tangled and rough
And savage that thinking of it now, I feel the old fear stirring.

 Alkaline Trio songs. It comes from Dante's Divine Comedy.

There is a term in psychology, "learned helplessness" where they did mean experiments to dogs where they were shocked, no matter what they did. The dogs even after the shocks were gone, couldn't function properly..they had been trained to fear. This was used as a basis for a lot of human therapy for many years. They have proved now that a certain small percentage can get past the conditioning and move on. There is no way to tell who or which one will succeed, or if they will. I have hopes.

If you beat a dog on a regular basis, it learns fear, which can turn into terror or hatred. If you beat a dog some days and praise/love it on others it learns fear and confusion. The poor dog doesn't know how to react. This applies to humans as well. It is used as a tactic in human psychology as well, think of POW's. I sigh here..this all makes me so sad. Thttp://www.facebook.com/StarOurHope this link makes me sadder.

The people who did this to this poor dog were not only morons, but torturers..beyond sick in the head. It is even sadder that there are more out there.

This is Jack, my current black puppy. He is a shelter dog, a Chihuahua/ Manchester terrier mix. He was a birthday present for my daughter. For 30 dollars we got him at 3 months old, neutered and with shots, with a follow-up appointment. He had kennel cough at first and was so sick. I spent a lot of nights in the bathroom with him, running the shower so he could breathe. He was so scared..and smelled awful. He got better and woke up, he's nuts.

 It got really bad for awhile..he figured out house -training fairly easily. He chewed and still chews everything and he jumps, over 3 feet high and climbs onto chairs and counters. The trainer I talked to knew how hyper he can be. He is what is called passive/aggressive. He is afraid of just about everything, and doesn't cower but attacks it. He takes calming tablets now, which help and has 2 wake periods, in the morning and at night about dinner time. He can go insane. He can walk/heel on a leash and sit for a few and leap on command. He also will come when called, usually. We are working on him not attacking people and playing nice. In sleepy mode, he cuddles.. usually in my lap. The rest of the time he is in leap/jump/run in crazy circle mode..super-high energy and he digs. He is a major challenge, but we love him.. but, he still stinks. He has problems with his anal glands and eats his own poo. *sigh.

Tippy was our last family dog, and survived it all. He was the happiest dog, went bike-riding with us everywhere, put up with us trying to teach him tricks or dress him up. He wasn't fixed either and would disappear and then come home. My dad was more mellow by that time. Tippy hated anyone who wasn't family. The only part that drove me crazy was that he always peed on my stuff. I found out many years later that he thought of me as his pack sister, and that I ranked below him. It was considered a sign of affection. I still feel bad for the teacher that got that report on yellow paper. I didn't have time to re-write it, I still am happy I got an A on it. Tippy had a special bark for everyone, except me..he never gave me up on any of my nighttime excursions. It made my mom furious. He was such a good dog. When my life was complete and total hell, I could hold him and knew he loved me, no matter what. I had to leave him behind when I left, he died at the age of 17 or 18 on the front porch of old age in his sleep. I wish I could have said good-bye.

There was another black puppy named Alma before Tippy. He got scared and confused. He was so afraid of my dad that eventually would start peeing anytime my dad called him. Which got him in more trouble, so he started running away a lot. He wasn't fixed and could find a dog in heat anywhere. They picked him up 40 miles away from home one time. The fines were already getting bad and then he bit a girl. She stuck her hand in between her dog and him fighting. He wasn't current on his shots, more fines and trouble. Then he got the chief-of police's dog pregnant.  My dad and mom decided enough was enough, my dad took him out to the garage and killed him with a a blow to the head with a hammer. I still remember hearing the yelp. I found out recently that my brother had to clean the hammer. I am so sorry, bro. Mom, Dad..I know where the bones are..did you think we could so easily forget?



I tell people please adopt a dog from a shelter, they are overflowing and need help. They have to kill so many dogs and cats every year, because people won't get their animals fixed, and don't fulfill their commitment to their pets. We can do so much better. I hope, I pray and God forgive me for hating those who are too dumb, or evil, or lazy or whatever.

Thanks for listening, Good night and God bless all the dogs, cats and pets out there. TTYAL

and they call it puppy love..

I have been writing this blog on-and-off in different ways since I first started this. I am going to warn anybody who might be reading this that this will contain content that will horrify you or should. This is a fair warning, the only reason I am finally strong enough to write this is because of my friends and family. They, for all different reasons, ease my nightmares, bring me joy and help me maintain my balance. Thank you.

If you haven't read my blog about my vision of dog heaven..it is God is Dog spelled backwards.

The title above is from Donny Osmond. He was the teen idol of his time, you were for him or Michael Jackson. Being raised a Mormon, there wasn't any real choice. He ruled. He is still hot, and Michael...oh gheeze, what a mess that all was. Fame so doesn't bring you happiness...though you think it would.

My earliest memories were of dogs, Skylos and Boots to be specific. When I say earliest, I was 2 or 3 years old. I laugh here because there was a time, as a teen our family was discussing old memories. I kept insisting that both dogs were HUGE. They were as tall as the table, I kept saying. My brother's were laughing saying they were only medium-size dogs at best. My dad was in a positive mood that night and realized something in that oh-my-gosh moment. He asked me how big the table was? I replied, Well, that was over my head too..I can remember walking under it. Both dogs were bigger than me. LOL. My brother's were stunned..we forgot how little you were.

Skylos got very sick, he was a mutt of maybe a collie type dog. I remember he had this large tumor growing out of the side of his neck. He was in the kitchen in the doorway and I was trying to get past him. He was growling and wouldn't let me through. It was the first time I was ever scared of him, he kept advancing and being menacing and and.. my brother Greg came from somewhere and saved me.

Not too long later their was a discussion between my dad and the landlord. I am not sure but I think the dog was his. They took a walk out in the orchard looking very grim. My dad came back shaking and in almost tears. He couldn't do it, meaning the landlord. My dad shot Skylos and they both buried him. I wasn't very upset at the time and still am not. Skylos, of course, went to heaven. Before people get crazy, this was another country and another time. Dogs weren't taken to vet's or money spent on them. It was his time, you put them down as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Snoopy was our beagle, of course..we named him from the comics and when he showed up, huh, he was tan and fluffy.  My mom shook her head and said that is not a beagle. He was the cutest dog ever.   He got his own box with blankets and a ticking alarm clock. My mom fed him milk and bread until the day he ate a whole steak that had been thawing for dinner, wrappings and all.

Snoopy, and here I cry..still.*sigh, was the first dog beating I witnessed. He bit my dad and was beat severely over and over, we were all crying and pleading. There was blood, screaming, growling and yipping. Snoopy survived that. He never bit my dad or anyone else that I knew of ever again. It did change us all forever. When we moved, I never saw him again. I had heard that Boots or Snoopy got hit by a car. Oh lord.

When we moved to the states there was Alma, a medium-sized black mutt dog and then after him came Tippy, a medium-sized black, white and brown mutt with a white tip on his tail. We watched two dogs for different cousin's for a week or so. Snuffy was a mini-toy poodle, and Brownie, a long haired medium-sized light tan colored dog. I loved them all and watched them all get beat, some worse than others. None was as bad as Snoopy, but it wasn't a good thing ever. We all learned not to intervene or plead, or even cry..we froze and tried to bring as little attention to ourselves as possible. It was called survival. I, when I could, would sneak them away and hide and cuddle with them.

I'm taking a pause here. Whew! I am not telling you this story for your sympathy, this was my reality. For some reason, we, my sibs and me, or I could never talk about it. I like my therapist's words on this..you will get to a point when you can tell your stories without fear. The "shame" will go back to where it belongs. Thank you and yes, and you will feel at peace inside. I am getting there slowly, one piece/peace at a time. Scary though, the first time I told the next part of the story. I wasn't ready and my mind flew apart. LOL, it is coming back together, stronger and better than it ever has before. Mental health isn't a joke, though I do make fun of it, constantly. "I laugh, because I have cried".

I am going to have to make this a two-fer, sorry. I will finish it soon..mostly because it is really late right now. I have been sleeping very well lately, and don't want to mess that up. thanks for listening as always..in the words of Bob Barker..spade or neuter your pets, please. Thanks. TTYAL

LOLOL.

and the beat goes on..

I have written, just haven't posted much lately. I have an hour to kill before an appointment. I don't know if that will be enough time, but it is what it is.

I have had some very good times the last couple of days. My hubby is home for 14 some days. Unheard of..LOL. I am loving it. There is some adjustment factor getting used to him being here, but wow! It is so wonderful to have somebody to talk to, hold and yes, that too. My stress level just flips around when he is here. It's such a beautiful day.

I think, while I am basking in my good mood, that it is ok. The new meds I am on make it hard to concentrate on worrying. My mind becomes slippery and those kind of thoughts just seem to slither away. Yey, and whether or not the "good" feelings are drug-induced or not. I have to admit..Yahoo. I love this moment and the next. No if, buts, or then about it. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the lizards are sunning. yeah.

Right now, at this second I am happy to be me. I am unique, individual, and still part of the universe. Being human, I can accept mistakes and downtime's are always going to be part of life's equation. But, I refuse to be a cliche, or a number..my voice, while single is being heard. Doors are opening. I have so many many wonderful things. I wish, I wish that with this blog I am sharing the positive with you. Feeling good and being mellow...content in this flash.

I hear my music and while I can't hear the words it is a happy, happy joy, joy dance. Thanks for all your patience and understanding. Thank you to all my friends. I love my friends...for joy, inspiration, reality checks.  Seeing that while, singular and different, each and everyone of us has a purpose. I can only comment on mine.

Love, peace and harmony..at some point we will all find the right pitch and melody. The symphony is already playing. Music, yes music, art, poetry, dance, mathematics, science, God??.

Mhhmm..for me, yes.

Hoping you all have a happy happy joy joy kind of moment. An instant or even longer where no worries intrude and you find the inner peace of your soul and being. it is called happiness and we all fight and struggle for it, knowing it is another emotion. That it doesn't last forever, but it sure is fun while it is here. Thanks for listening, TTYAL..