Memorial Day..not just another 3-day week-end

Memorial Day is tomorrow..it is a very American holiday. I am sure every country has their own version of it, except maybe Switzerland. For those of us in the United States it is a three day week-end, for most a paid holiday off work. So Sat, Sun, Mon to go somewhere special, perhaps. Since it is the beginning of nicer weather in a majority of states, it means BBQ's, parades, picnics, getting together with friends and family. Since we are also not just the land of the free but capitalists, it also means shopping and bargains. Getting a good deal on a new mattress is the American way. It is also an excuse to party..however, wherever and whenever.

For me? Growing up outside of Mokena, IL. which was a small town out in the suburbs of the suburbs, we had a memorial parade. My two oldest brothers were in 7th and 8th grade and in band. We went "downtown" and they marched the main street through town. There was three cemeteries on the route and the band stopped at each one and they played Taps and did the gun salute. I always found it sad and chilling. My younger brother was very proud that he taught himself to play Taps on a bugle instead of a trumpet. (It is way harder) The melody still gives me internal tears and goosebumps to this day, haunting. The rifle salute always shocked me, never got used to it even though you knew it was going to happen. I used to wander through the graveyards and look at names and monuments. I always thought they were beyond beautiful, green and so peaceful.

I think there was a year before my sister started band, we went to Lockport that year. Lockport is right outside of Joliet and is where the majority of my Mom's family is from. We went to a cemetery where my Grandpa Strong and Uncle Melvin were buried. Melvin died in WWII, he was an Air Force pilot...there is some small mystery about how he died. Regardless, it was in service to his country. (Thank-you) There was a space for my Grandma at the time. I remember my Aunt Mary and Uncle Ken were with us. They are all there now, which I find comforting. They knew that is where they were going to be.

Back to Mokena, my sister was in band...then me. The weather, being the Mid-west was really hot, really cold, or raining/sleeting..there was snow on the ground at least once. After grade school, there was 4 more years of High school band, that was in New Lenox. Another slightly larger town, and a really long parade route..*sigh. My senior year, I got to march 5 miles and then go waitress for 9 hours and go to school the next day. After awhile I had to wrap Ace bandages around my ankles to keep the swelling down when I marched. Couldn't do it at work, as we still wore dress-style uniforms with nylons to show off our legs. LOL.

Being the daughter of a retired 20-year Army Master-Sergeant, I was raised to show respect. Not only to my elders, but to any and all serviceman and women, even officers. LOL. Memorial day is not Veteran's day or Armed Forces Day but a day to remember and honor those who died protecting our country..from the first soldiers in the Revolutionary War to the present messes we are in today. We are still at war, and there is a list of the dead every day. I thank a Vet or a military member today knowing that they are or were willing to serve and give up their daily freedom, and risk their lives so I can go have a steak on the grill, or go save 50% on a sale or go shoot a gun for fun. I send a prayer to all those who did die and their families, my small thank you is from my heart. I honor you by continuing to live, teaching my kid's respect and enjoying the freedoms I take for granted. This is the day to realize nothing is free, the price is paid and being paid in death, blood, sweat and tears. God Bless America! and in this country, it can be whatever God you worship or don't.

 I love being an American..<3 Thank you!

just another day

I spent the night watching the movie Despicable Me with my kids. Jack spent most of his time trying to steal popcorn. LOL, it was a good time, Renee had some difficulties but came back and joined us. Her Asperger's makes her backwards sometimes. She wants to be a part of the social, but it stresses her out too. She played music, and got her calm back. Max had a meltdown after. It has been so hard on him, on us all with the move to AZ. It has now been 2 years, he has made many new friends..good ones. Did really well with school, and is nervous about middle school next year. Tonight, he missed his old friend Chris. It is hard. He knew him since he was 4. I miss him too, he was always over.. the 2 of them playing. I used to call him my other son.

I told Max tonight that every time we make a friend we give them a piece of our "soul" and they give us a piece back. Chris has his part of Max, memories good and bad. Max does too. Max cried, "but I don't even remember what he looks like"..in your heart you do. I have a lot of memories of people who came in and out of my life, some I have re-connected with on FB. YAY! Other's I don't know if I'll ever see again. *sigh. New friends, old friends, family it is all about the connections. I am glad I have FB, I am not happy with my addiction with it. Choices, hard ones are facing me.

I have figured I need a path, not let life take me wherever, or nowhere but set goals and see what I can become. This is just one place I let out my thoughts, I talk to my therapist and my hubby and all my friends. They give me strength, hope and courage..facing the demons of my past and present and conquering my fears. I envy my friend who has found peace in his day, not letting the past swallow you with regret and not fearing the future. Each day is a new day of promise and learning..I am aiming for that peace.

I have been ill, again...it scares me. I have gone through so much medical BS already, I asked for prayers from my FB friends and was (here I cry) overwhelmed by the response. It was so beautiful and gave me courage and calm to face the next stage. Whether these new tests show positive or negative I am still "cool" for the most part.

Choices, life choices..will talk some more about this but it is late and I need to sleep. Thanks for listening and hope you are thinking about where you are headed also. TTYAL

Dog is God Spelled Backwards

 

by Laura Tschudi on Thursday, January 20, 2011 at 10:51am

I shared most of this with a friend the other day. He didn't comment for many reasons. This is just one vision I have of heaven and hope it provides peace of mind to anyone who has lost a pet to death...

It is said that "all dogs go to heaven". For me, it is a beautiful place full of streams, grass, fields, and couches. Where all the dogs play, romp and chase things. The very air is magical and filled with heady scents of this rabbit or road-kill, or hot-dogs. If any dog hungers he finds food, if they need rest..she and all the others find the perfect dip in the grass, the warm rock in the sun or the mess of soft blankets at the end of the bed. When they are hot and thirsty a cool stream appears and a gentle breeze caresses them. If they get cold after a jaunt through some snow or a swim in a cold lake, they are awarded a spot by the fire or back to the sun-blessed rock.

When they need love, as all dogs do..they have the unconditional love of the ultimate master. He never scolds them, hurts them, and always has time to play. When they miss us..which they do... The master replays every memory of that shared love, and allows them to glimpse our face, scent and voice through a thin veil. This comforts them and they are at peace..knowing they will see us soon and be able to feel our touch, and belly-rubs and ear-scratches. Soon it will be, because time does not exist in heaven...

There are people there, of course, those who have known and loved them, and people who just love, in some places there are cats too, and horses and other pets as they all have their own heavens too.. and children that romp and play and feel no pain.

"All dogs go to heaven", loved, unloved, mistreated, pampered, etc.. as there is no bad dogs..and therefore, no hell for them. EVER.

to: Alma the younger, Tippy, Skylos, Boots, Snoopy, Brownie, Nikita, Mickey, Snuffy, Rusty, Jake, Wolfie, there is more...dogs I owned, dogs I knew..dogs I loved.

There is plenty of people who have read this on my FB page, I am re-posting here to share with you all..will have more on "pets" in my next blog. Thanks for listening..TTYAL.

spinning wheel ride

I am in a mood..hard to describe. I have had the flu(?) for the past couple of days. I slept more than I have in weeks. Not quite over it either, damn headache and major queasiness, plus I am still exhausted. Bone-weary tired..the sleep doesn't make you feel better. It just feels like the only choice available.

Had some fun with the end-of -the world fiasco. The posts about it were hysterical for the most part. I got a lot of laughs out of it. I know I am not anywhere near to being Raptured. I am not very worried about it. Heaven as my next stop? Perhaps, I don't fear death, living is hard enough. I know without any doubt that the next step will be better. I am not sure exactly what is waiting for me, but it will be way way better. Personal revelation? Maybe, I always get a calm peaceful feeling about it. I have almost died so many times, maybe this is my answer. I do know my number isn't up yet and it won't be by my own hand. Plus, I have to annoy my kids for at least a few years more.

I applied for a job, I don't think I will get it. Even though I have 17+ years working for the company, most of the people filling out work papers were very young, cute and skinny. If they do call me I will apologize, for now though...hmm, no. My week is filled with appointments, for me, my daughter, my son, even the puppy. The last day of school is Thursday. Have I said this before? I hate summer vacation. It will become very very hot here, and there is not much to do on a limited budget. We swim, and go out to eat..seems like there should be more fun than that. There is nothing within walking distance and no shade. The older towns have trees and palms that provide this..Queen Creek has tons of trees and landscaping..they just aren't very tall or full.

Ok, I am done whining for awhile..maybe.

My Fb friends keep me balanced, there is more to life than the mini-verse I live in. Have I cut down on my usage? yes. As much as I should? no. Now would be a great time to stop smoking as I can't breathe anyway..shazbot. The illness has reminded me so much that I can't eat whatever I want without severe repercussions. No dairy, no fried foods, limited fat, limited meat, foods in natural states as opposed to junk...I did this for years..and was a lot thinner too. LOl.

Small steps, listening to my kids instead of talking at them. Putting myself out there, I am thinking about signing up for an art class. I do have a few more ideas but another time, perhaps. I need another nap. Hoping you find your levels today and pray for where you should head next. A friend reminded me, that it shouldn't be about me, me, me. Everyone needs to find their own higher power..whatever it may be.

 I also owe one very important lady a personal message, haven't forgotten, still thinking on it. Love you.

Aaargh! I hate being sick, enough for now..you all have a great kick-ass day. :-) TTYAL thanks for listening.

drift away..

I am so crabby today. and irritable..no real reason for it. PMS maybe, stupid hormones. My skin is crawly, feel bloated, ugly and mean. Some parts just ache, my shoulder, my hip, my teeth, my hand, my feet..pins-and -needles. An effin headache that comes and goes, and a loopy digestive system. I am tired now, but not sleepy and my energy levels are on the fritz. Hot then cold, bored but lazy. I am also dying of thirst and nothing is quenching it. Have I whined enough yet? LOL..I CAN still laugh at myself..about the only bonus.

I have friends and family with real physical ailments, who are battling cancer, or the daily struggle of RA, Lupus, Diabetes and quite a few ugly things. Usually where the treatments are (almost) worse than the disease. There is no cures.

I have friends and family who also are afflicted with depression, PTS(post-traumatic syndrome), bi-polar, alcoholism, and addiction..plus a few other things. There is treatment and help available..the hardest part of this is not my own struggle but watching others losing the battle and not even realizing it. I feel that pain, and empathize with others that have the same sense of horror and loss. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to.

My hubby leaves tomorrow, my kids have 5 days of school left, my puppy stinks. Lol, just the facts ma'am. It is raining in the desert tonight, it has been months. It smells and feels wonderful.

I have a very good life and I am grateful for it, I have been blessed in so many ways. I am just not happy with the face I see in the mirror today. I am having an "off day?" I have a friend I blocked today, I find a lot of his posts amusing or good, but his negativity towards woman..ugh. Woman are sex objects to him. I finally reached a limit. Fat, ugly woman..? What a schmuck.

I have another friend who I may permanently block..I don't like him and that bothers me. He's negative and mean, and mentally handicapped. I don't have the patience. I admire the ones that do.

I'll be okay, just needed to vent a bit I guess. I apologize for the negativity. I can't even discuss levels today, I am looking for release and peace. Tomorrow will be another day. The title is from a song from Uncle Cracker.. Drift Away. I own no rights to this song. Thanks for listening and TTYAL, going to drift away into slumber land, I hope.

woke up this morning..

Today, LOLOL

Yeah, today I woke up. I can say things got better.. they did. The waking up part though, we take it as a given every day. I curse it lately as my sleep patterns are all whacked. I did okay today, it was 5 AM or so. My daughter was already up. *sigh. I felt like she has invaded my space and my time slot. Plus, the deja vu moment of seeing her exactly where she had been when I went to sleep. Did she sleep at all? Found out she did, just not much.

I am not the only one with sleep problems. It is a very common complaint on FB. Mine is a combo of all sorts of things, and pre-menopause. Renee, my daughter, has depression and hormones. We are more alike than we care to admit. I laugh here. The therapy has helped, my relationship with her has been steadily improving. I am loving it, normally I would have been yelling at her or being a "bitch" of some kind. Instead we talked pleasantly and she went and took a shower, without a fight of any kind. Wow!

I was very sick, physically for a few days. IBS and my hernia, plus stress and not eating right, I have felt so much better. Decided my bathroom really could use a new paint job too. Ugh! Was it the iron pills or the sips of vanilla shake? Who knows? I did manage to NOT throw up..YEY! A personal daily goal that I am always happy to fulfill.

Mother's day is difficult, and a few other things. I couldn't figure out WTFH my problem was. A video of a guy in a wheelchair set me straight. Guilt, we all have it..don't need it. So why are we hanging on to it?

I am not so sure about no guilt ever. Hmm, really have to think about that. But, as an addict and a human, I tend to build emotions to incredibly insane amounts. Forgive..yourself and others. For me letting things go was like losing a 1000 lbs of shite. It will build again, and I will have to tackle the mountain, but um..wow. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or being weak. It is more of okay, enough already...let's move on.

Today is another day, and yes..I have woken up again. Amazing isn't it? No, I am really not being sarcastic. My  one friend calls it a gift, I call it life. Not everyone is so blessed and then it is done. I had so many days where I cried and cursed..WTF. I still have a few where I will do the same. Life isn't supposed to be easy, or fun, or..what? It can be those things, and sometimes it is pain, anguish, suffering. Some days it is just blah, who cares? Those are the really dangerous days. Because deep down somewhere, you know you care.

I have had a beautiful sunshine day in the desert. Today, I had a little bird that almost landed on me..without any fear. I said hello, it seemed the polite thing to do. I also saw a smaller lizard doing his push-ups in the sun. I have a crazy black puppy who greets me with unrestrained joy every morning. I have a hubby who supports me. I have two beautiful kids. I have friends, who I talk with daily. Some give me a push in the right direction, others I pray for, or encourage, laugh or cry with. They are real. I am still looking for more ways to meet people here. It scares me. With Facebook, you can walk away or delete people or block them...actual life is harder.

Lately, I hear screaming in my head. It has become an almost constant white noise, sometimes very loud and at other times just a whisper. When I listen, it makes me sad. When it is all I can hear, I feel crazy in my own skin, I itch all over and hurt inside and out. Is this scaring you? LOL, scares me a bit too, my head, remember? It is different from my yearnings and addictions, though connected. I will talk about this more another time. I am still trying to sort it out. Wish me luck with that, a few prayers probably wouldn't hurt either.

To my fellow friend, SA..you asked me for help. Now you understand why I can't. Not because of what we talked about or didn't. I am not so sure what you want, justification or a way to change. *sigh. The fact that you have to hide everything from your spouse should clue you in to the problem. She doesn't trust you, with good reason. She also deserves better and so do you. So do I..lol...don't we all?

Another day, another chance to do something, to make a difference small or large. To act instead of react..levels?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. - William James

Somewhere, somehow, to someone..yep. Enough serious..

The fun never stops, it just changes its underpants---Deborah Hamilton

Still laughing my ass off, uh-huh. Have a wondrous day and be thankful that you woke up..I am today.
Thank you for listening and I will TTYAL.

My mom's name is Beryl

It is Mother's Day..had some fun with it. Uploaded some pics, went to Denny's with the kids, got so many well wishes and wrote a small article on Facebook. I called my mom. This is hard for me as we aren't always comfortable talking about things. There are topics that are taboo..

My mom will not read this probably, my husband or kids don't either, my therapist read a couple..I am not sure how many. My brother doesn't either, *sigh. LOL, it is really okay.

There is many things I could write here but I am just going to share two memories. One is my Grandma Strong, we lived with her for a few months after we moved to the US. I was 6 1/2..she scared me at first. She was old, all the old people I had seen up to this point were Greek. I think they hide their age better..my grandma was German, with fair skin and green eyes...and a big hairy mole on her chin. I swore it was alive..like it's own little animal.

I inherited that same damn "beauty" mark, as did my sis and mom..mine (eww..I remove the hairs from) Hate it. My mom and my sister got the brilliant green eyes, I got hazel...which change colors according to my moods and what I am wearing. I passed this color on to my son.

My grandma is in the middle, my mom next to her..the rest are my blood aunts and uncles, two of which have passed on.

My grandma Strong was the only one who ever stood up to my dad, ever. He was going to punish one of us for something..I don't remember her exact words, but it was to the effect. "You are living under my roof, and you will respect my wishes and not touch that child." I think she was the only one he ever respected. It was quite a reprieve for all of us..God I loved her, and still miss her and her world-class apple pie. She passed away when I was in jr. high at the age of 82, I think.

The next picture is of my Mom and Dad going to the Marine Ball, it was 1969..I was 5. I remember she made this dress, it was sparkly gold, and was utterly fascinated that she spray-painted a pair of pumps to match. I was the youngest of four, you can't tell from this picture..she was 39.

My mom was beautiful, movie-star gorgeous, with dark-brown hair, big green eyes and olive skin..the only make-up she ever wore was red lipstick.

There is so much pain, grief, and other emotions about my mom. I wish it had been so different. I regret that both of us had to suffer through so much pain.  I was not an easy child, none of us were..and she had a lot of issues and still does. But for this day, I had the most beautiful mom ever...and I loved her and still do. Happy Mother's day. Beryl is a semi-precious stone and should be cherished.

Down in the Hole-No Excuses, I know

I realize I haven't published for awhile. I have started about 4 or 5 different ideas, and stopped. The past week has been difficult. Mark, my hubby, has been gone an extra rotation, I got to see him for 4-5 days last month, total. I won't see him this month until the following Sunday. The bonus is that his company is finally going to pick up the tab and fly him home and back again. YAY! That means 4 whole days without him being exhausted from a 10-12 hour drive.

I fell into my big black hole, it was slow at first. When my hubby leaves I try to put on a brave face, and then it seemed as if everything sad I could think of just takes over. I tried walking and exercise. I read some books, FB'd of course. I tried to veer it into a different direction. I got angry instead, it is not so hard to do. Then tried to take my emotional buttload and fill my core with white molten lava. Yeah, it sounds weird...lol. I used that energy and got a lot of laundry done and a few other chores.

 I have been fighting physical symptoms, my period(sorry guys) went for 5 weeks straight and became so heavy, I was in a kind of shock. Sleep has been about 4-6 hours. I go to sleep exhausted and then wake up with the sweats and shakes. Migraine time and then, the combination of my IBS and hernia meant a lot of intestinal pain, living in the bathroom and trying not to throw up. If I start throwing up it means back to the hospital, and another surgery. That would be # 3. I'd really rather not.

I lost it. For 2 whole days I went through the motions of living, and cried every day/night for hours. I am blessed with my kids and Jack, the puppy. All three of which hugged and snuggled with me at its worst. The biggest lie ever told, sure yeah, I'm okay. I did my best to help others with their pain, this usually helps. There was bright moments and laughter. It just wasn't enough.

Depression is a disease. I am sharing this part of me with all of you, again, not for pity's sake, ugh..but for clarity. For those of you with depression, you understand this. Get help, anywhere and anyway you can. I don't understand why I was "blessed" with this or others too. I just have to deal and move through to the other side of it.

 For those who have never experienced this..whew! This is not the sadness you get when you have failed at something or just had a bad day or week, or a fight with whoever...whatever. It is similar to the depression you experience when you face major loss, death of a loved one, divorce, physical pain/disease, trauma from all sorts of evil things. That sadness is a major integral part of the grieving process. It can also turn into major clinical depression. (That's the term)

All addicts have this depression to varying degrees, their entire lives. I am not sure which comes first, the addictive behaviors or the depression. It intertwines and you self-medicate with whatever to feel better. Depending on what "candy" you get hooked on, you then face a cycle of the ups, downs and hell/oblivion and then reality. Reality, LOL, what a concept.

I visited 2 doctors, my medical doctor. Yes, I am now anemic, and my blood pressure is still squirrely, more tests..and some theories. But, we are working together for an explanation. My therapist.. I got to release a whole lot of emotional BS. I don't know why paying somebody to watch and listen to me cry helps, but wow! I do recommend it.

One day at a time..I am realizing that I am in the first stages of recovery. I am an addict and always will be, finding the right solutions and strategies..a daily process. I am an active user, FB, food, nicotine, caffeine, and a few other things...shazbot!

I also have a lot going for me, great friends, family..which includes my hubby and puppy too. I have a brain, which while damaged a bit still works, and a sense of humor..

• Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that. - Unknown

Uh-huh..LOLOL.


Mother's Day is tomorrow, it is a good/bad day for me and I have a blog for it. I also have another draft that I have been working on for some time. I will share that one also..not quite ready yet.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Who are you? Who do you want to be? :-)

I have said this before, the only constant in life is change..and life is a circle. You are here for a purpose, and while you are alone in yourself, we all share the same sun, dirt and air. Our DNA is the same thing stars are made of..let yourself shine and share the warmth.

Thanks for listening as always, comments of any kind are welcome. TTYAL..missed you all.

Hell, I Don't Know Sh*t

LOL, hope you like the title. I have been having "days". Up, then down..life at its finest. I have more stories to write, observations on things. Have come to some conclusions, then realize that a lot of it is shite. The more you know the more you realize how much you don't and never will.

Everybody is posting on my Facebook about the death of Osama. I really don't care. I am glad that one "evil" dude is dead, I guess. I say "evil" in quotes as I don't believe everything the media says about anybody. My one friend posted, "Satan personified" uh-huh. I am so sad, that people are so happy about the death of anybody. I cried and still cry about the Twin Towers and 9-11, there were 4 planes that day. Osama being dead doesn't bring any of those people back to life. I remember how pissed off  Americans were about Arab people dancing in the streets that day. Now I see the opposite, Americans are dancing their happy joy dance of hate and retribution. The war continues..

I am not a "hippy love" freak either. I know how to shoot a gun. I am actually pretty good at it. There is people who I have hated. A small select few I still do, if they died it wouldn't be a big loss to hardly anybody. Funny, how those are the ones who seem to live the longest, true a-holes. If I had to kill someone to protect my friends and family, I wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger...or use whatever means I had at my disposal. People have died for way more stupid reasons than that. Always will.

I keep going back and forth between the thought that I have almost died so many times. WOW! I am still here..got to be a reason for it. I am trying to think of it as a gift and not a curse. I have my days..LOL.

I still have my goals for the year, expose child abuse/pet abuse. Lose weight/ exercise.. talk openly about drug, sex and alcohol addiction, run-aways, depression, mental illness and health. I had a friend tell me the other day that I have hope, and that is a start. To just keep doing what I am doing. My form of addiction scares the hell out of him. It scares the hell out of me too, even though I am cool with him as just a friend now. I have to laugh, because I really don't know what I am doing most of the time. I just care..and love..and feel. I am what I am, and that changes day-to-day on which part you will see.

I am ending with some quotes, that I hope make you think..what is your next step/level, where do you want to go?


 

"Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness"

-- Ray Bradbury (I think..not positive)

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless"

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." - Warren Buffet

My thought with all this is plant a tree, a real one or a seed of kindness and goodwill wherever you can. Show someone you care and mean it. It doesn't really matter what you know..it is how you live.

 

"Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

TTYAL ..have a beautiful sunshine day and thanks for listening.