I say a little prayer for you

I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate America's health policies, medical mysteries, and health insurance. I still do.

I made it to the heart doctor, didn't get lost and didn't smoke in my car. My insurance was denying all my claims. They needed to know if I had any secondary insurance. Um, no..no..and no..duh. This is probably why I still haven't been reimbursed for my therapist either. Called and went through an automated robot voice..not sure if it is straightened out or not yet.

All my tests were normal except for a very small seepage in 1 valve, which they say is normal. OK, this means I spent almost $500 with the "insurance" to find out nothing. The doctor was nice enough to give me a prescription for a drug that retains salt. Other than that it was another test or two...*sigh. Maybe I will go back to my GP. My Canadian neighbor may be around in Fall, he's a doctor. If my hubby fixes enough stuff for him? LOL.

Another drug? That makes 4 scrips now...plus A&D, and a few other vitamins. At least they are all cheap ones, I worked in a pharmacy..some people spend a boatload of money every week. It is really sad. I hate taking any of them, they all make me nauseous. Plus vitamins, aargh..despise taking pills, even though I am a pro at it. My parents were health food nuts, we had to choke down at least 5 to 10 pills every Saturday and Sunday. By sophomore year this became a daily ordeal with my Dad. Kelp tablets taste like seaweed because guess what? They ARE seaweed! Blch...there are worse things though.(shudder) "sprout water" You really don't want to know.

When I started taking diet pills to lose weight and stay awake. I used to thank them for that. When I had to swallow ibuprofen dry or chew aspirin because my hands were hurting and swollen so much. I thanked them again. I could drink any kind of alcohol and keep it down at first because of vile things I was forced to drink and eat. So much pain and hatred, it is such a waste. I have grown up a bit since then. My Dad has a lot of the same stomach conditions I have. Both of my folks have had so many surgeries I've lost count.

Whew! I have calmed down even more. I took Jack the puppy for a walk and checked up on my neighbor. She is beyond precious and rare..truly sweet.  Jack also behaved extremely well and even showed off his "walk" skills and "jump" command for other neighbors that just moved in. There is hope for this crazy dog yet. I am just so proud.

I have felt like a great big brat in a temper tamper all day. Some of this hormones, I have figured out why they cause it menopause instead of meno-stop. Aaargh! Some was from the doc, some from my kids, some from obsessions, some because of money, housework. Stress that I have created for myself. Trying now instead to focus on what is real, true and good.

I pray tonight for me..and include that circle for all my friends, family and pets too. I also have specific people in mind, some I don't know by name. It doesn't matter, my God knows who they are and I really don't ask for things either. It is more like Uncle Russ had surgery, you know. My fb's friend grandma broke her hip. One of my favorite friends and her son, plus the rest.. Another really deserves so much better.. I end up global, for all the military people who should be home. For all the people who have hate/love, trials/blessings...my mind can't really encompass it all, but God's can. "He" was already watching over all these people, individually and has his own purpose for each one.

 I kind of pray like this all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less. Always have in a way and it relaxes me..the prayers circle around and come back. I don't really get answers just a bit of bliss. The best is when I can hear the music and know everything is going to be ok. It takes a bit of practise...and I don't always achieve it.

This is my level.

 What is yours?

Thanks for listening..TTYAL :-)!

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..