and Another..

Another New Year? Crap, didn't we just have one?? Wow, that went really fast.

Last year..Oh My.

I faced some major truths about myself, good and bad, and went Insane. I knew I wasn't "right" and shattered just begins to describe it. This blog has been part of my therapy to fit my pieces back together. The greater majority of "me" has returned from its trip. I can say I am more "sane" and "aware" than I have ever been. Yes, I did mean to capitalize the I. Okay, I'll stop with the (")s. I just feel there should be some fireworks, excitement, hoopla. Nope.

I am not bawling my eyes out either. Woo-hoo!! Which is a major bonus from the last two previous years. I am just very mellow today. My kids are bored, and I am praying for the end of next week. Getting back to the routine of my days without them here all day. Oh God! I need a break. I could use a vacation from their vacation. My hubby has started looking at houses in Utah. I am still queasy about this.

Change, it has been all about change this year for good or evil. There is more coming up for 2012. I'd like to be more prepared and ready for it. It really doesn't work that way most of the time, though. I am not sure if I adapt better or worse to it than most. I don't know, doesn't really matter. My comparisons with others is automatic, but not very accurate. We only see the tip of the iceberg so to speak when we see others. There is a whole other mountain underneath. I got this from a Denny's training manual, the things I remember.

I have my fireworks now. The neighborhood is setting them off, crapola. "be careful what you wish for" Jack, the puppy will be going nuts all night. He runs around and barks his fool head off. D**n it! I am laughing, go figure. I wonder if Utahn's are better about this than Arizonians? Every holiday around here they are setting them off. Some shoot off guns too..yeah, really.

So, how am I doing? My son asks me this multiple times a day. He worries too much. I love him. I am okay. On the better side of okay for now. My daughter, shaking my head, is a trip. She's in a good mood for now. I enjoy these moments with her, they aren't very regular. Though, I wish she had showered today. My nose has become a super power. This is not a blessing. Everything stinks, one way or another. Even myself, I need a shower too.

Physically I could be doing way better. I am going to go for a walk and see if that helps. I am going to try some meds too. It has been an ongoing problem on-and-off for too long now. I have two hours till midnight, my  medical deductible is paid till then. So not good.

Oh whatever, what the hell am I writing here? Blah, hell, shit or lack of? Oh my G! Lolol..sorry.

New Year, New sanity, New start..forgiveness? I let go of all the hatred, despair and negativity of the last year and embrace the plus. Sounds better, doesn't it? feels better too. This is from a very good friend with great motivational ideas. I am not sure where he got it from..or was his own brainstorm.

Challenge yourself in 2012 ... Write yourself 4 letters - now.. Each with at least 3 different short term goals and 1 long term goal. Label each envelope as March, June, September and December. Write down what you are going to accomplish in 2012 and how you are going to do it - for each of the goals.... Then put them in a place where you remember them - then every three months - open a letter and see how you are doing. Continue working towards your goals and accomplish something BIG in 2012!

I am not going to announce my goals yet. Shhh..I haven't written them out yet. I'll get there in a bit. Thanks for listening as always..love ya! Happy Happy New Years ...love, peace and hope to all..yes, even you. Especially you. Hah! 

I wanna touch you..

Tonight is a night I could do without. My hubby is in another state. We haven't really connected these past few days at all. I get irritated. I don't want to talk to him on the phone or computer. I want him here, face to face. I need/want a physical touch between us. It isn't even sexual. I could blab about my day, sometimes he does about his. Right now neither one of us is talking or sharing anything. He knows I am lonely and fed-up. I know he is lonely too. This gets harder and harder, not easier.

My therapist said I had realized a lot of my goals and needed to set new ones. Really? I guess. I am way better than I was, but crap. He also said therapy isn't forever. Yeah, I knew that. I just don't want to think about it yet.

The two people in my life that I see every day are my son and daughter. They are driving me cuckoo. Part of my therapy is to learn better parenting skills. I haven't reached this goal at all. I am either too harsh or too easy. The love is there, rules and consequences, respect and following through all need a major overhaul and re-commitment. Does this sound familiar to any parents out there? Ugh, I let too many of my own concerns and worries keep a barrier between us. I don't think anyone realizes how hard being a single parent is, unless you are one. I am, but I'm not. One more group that I kind of belong to but don't fully.

I realized today that none of us ever went out the front door at all. Not once. I took garbage out back. That is the weird part of not smoking. I used to smoke about every 15 minutes or so. That meant I was outside for that time. Today I went out back, once, and never even unlocked the front door or opened the garage or gate. Huh, suburbian isolation at its best.

The worst part, except for a few of my neighbors, I really don't have contact with anyone I know at all. I didn't even see them. I hate it. This does not help my Facebook addiction which has been in full force the past few weeks. I at least managed to accomplish a few chores today. I caught up on laundry and cleaned up my kitchen, but blah. I didn't even take a shower..eww!

Still can't sleep even though I am exhausted. Ok, enough is enough. I will go try to snooze, thanks for listening.

"if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off" - michelle gray    "I am a human being, not a human doing. Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don't... you aren't." - Dr. Wayne Dyer 

Yeah, I am a bit strange, but it isn't like I have admitted otherwise. LOL, I don't own this picture and have no idea where it came from. Beautiful though.

Tomorrow is...

I am still here. Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday and is looking forward to the New Year. I have had a lot going on this past week. I am still trying to sort it all out. My Christmas was nice. Seeing my hubby was even better. Having the kids home for more than a week? Not so good. I will talk about all that another time. It is too raw and personal right now.

I will not be unhappy to see this past year go, I learned a lot. Some good, some very bad. Did I succeed at any of my goals? yes and no. I am smoke-free. I am alive and more aware/awake of myself and the world around me. I did not lose weight. My family, while stuck in a holding pattern for now, has a goal and direction to head towards.

I am scared of the New Year. I could use the word trepidation, instead. Logistics, selling/renting one house and starting again in a new state. Trying to figure out directions, schools, stores and finding a job. Physically packing and unpacking, erghh..and readjusting to being a married mom. Having to deal with seasons and snow/cold again. ugh.

I am scared of facing more of my demons. There is not much worse than being afraid of evil. Looking at it in your own eyes and feeling the emotions of it is awful. Being angry is so easy, vindictive, jealous, judgemental. Turning these around to hope, passion, forgiveness, openness is work. I am so tired. Forgiving yourself is the hardest for me. I tend to be my own harshest critic. "Be nice to yourself" yeah.

I have to get my act together. In advocating for change, I am not saying I am not okay with myself. I just have to be able to grow and challenge myself.

I have so much more to talk about but I have to get a move on and go do. I will write sooner and more specific. Thanks for listening for now TTYL. Christmas is over, but this is something I think we all need to work on every day.

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness.To an opponent, tolerance.To a friend, your heart.To a customer, service.To all, charity.To every child, a good example.To yourself, respect.
 Oren Arnold.

 

mmhmmm...lolol. No handouts. Tomorrow never comes, it is always a new day.

Just Holding my Hand..

I am being thankful. My hubby is back from Utah, my kids are okay. Jack the puppy is sleeping quietly and I am mostly ready for tomorrow. I am not sure where my mind and emotions are at. I feel stuck in neutral, sort of revving and not going anywhere.. One of my favorite friends pointed out that she will be very happy to say good-bye to this year. Yeah, totally understand that, it was the year of "crazy" for me. Technically three surgeries for me and major medical overload plus working on mental and mind crap. It isn't quite over yet.

I am having another "hot flash" Whew! I am letting a long breath out. I have been cold all day so this isn't bothering me that much. It helps to be mellow. I am petting Jack, this does help calm and relax me. I had an urge a couple of times today to have a smoke. It is good. I am still okay with it. The urges have become less and less frequent. I will probably always have them. It is funny what triggers addictions.

My stomach/hernia has given me some grief on and off for the past couple of weeks. I have had this issue for 30 years. It has been much worse, so I am not really crying about it. I am uncomfortable now, debating on taking something for it. I can go lay down when it is really bad, it is nice to have that choice. As long as I don't start throwing up, that means my small bowel is obstructed. More doctors? Another surgery? Among other options, my husband and I have been talking about the upcoming year/move. Another long breath, I am not quite ready yet for any of that. Christmas is first, New Year's and then we shall see. The one bonus is my deductible has been met. My out-of-pocket expense is ..lol.

I wrote some stuff about the ghosts of Christmas pasts. It was good to get some of the bad out. I am not sure if I am ready to share any of that yet if ever. I smile because there is happy memories mixed in. Different friends over the years, different jobs, my kids and family, a little red bike.

I have a lot of religious friends of all different beliefs and faiths, and some atheists too. A big majority are like my husband. They were raised in a faith, and don't believe or attend. I don't think he thinks about it. He doesn't feel a lack or void. There are right and wrong things, and a few grey areas. He tends to go to the right side more often then not. Having children for me changed my perspective on a lot of things. I know it did for him too.

There is so many things I would have done differently in my life if I known better. I thought for a while that was just a folly of being young. No, being older has made me wiser in some things but not less human. I still embarrass myself. I try to not let it overwhelm me and move on. Waiting tables taught me a lot about keeping going. It also taught me that screw-ups happen all the time. You learn and deal. I'd like to think I don't mess up as often.

This past year of messy emotional and physical drama has made me so aware of who I am. I am waking up and seeing there is so much more I can be doing. I also have to give myself credit for where I have been and what I have overcome. I hope and pray that I will never let anyone let me doubt myself again so much. I can rant, rave, cry, laugh, shrug. That people can misunderstand me or find me hard to take at times is understandable. I don't always like myself either. It is also hard to type humour. Words have always been my friends and enemies. My laughter is a true defence against the darkness. That not everyone "gets" it I "get". There is so many people I truly don't understand either, they boggle me.

I have to point out here that I love my family, even my parents. That is a whole other blog or two. Oh my lord, yes. I love my siblings and am getting to know a few of my extended family better. I have so many beautiful nieces, cousins and a few nephews, plus all their kids too. I have my Denny's family of friends that always remain special to me. I have made a few new friends out here in the desert. I have reconnected with so many past friends from school or other places, and made beautiful new ones on all sorts of levels. THAT has been an extra bonus this year. I know I am addicted to them. Setting boundaries for next year is one of my priorities.

“YOU carry the joy and surprise of the season with you, no matter if someone or something else comes along to share it with you.”—Xian Horn

I always have music running through my head, during the holidays this ends up being Christmas carols. It was the Nutcracker Ballet, now it is Winter Wonderland. I know, it can drive me batty. On my final note, I say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to those who it applies to. I think the term under God should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance and I don't appreciate public prayers unless I am at a church or memorial service. I'd prefer a moment of silence at anytime. I have a lot of people upset about Christ or God being taken out of things. Church and state should be separate, period. If you are a true believer in God and Jesus this will not change as he is in your heart and soul. Would "he" want you to fight and be angry with your neighbors, co-workers, family because they don't believe the way you do?? Think about it.

I had a customer that got offended that I called her honey. I had a check-out lady in a grocery store who always made me uncomfortable with her praise the lord, Jesus loves you etc. I had a dear friend that thought horoscopes and Halloween were works of the devil. I met some Iranian boys one time who, while unfailing polite, thought ALL American woman were whores for being unaccompanied by a male and showing their arms, legs and faces in public. Heavy sigh.

Love you all and thanks for listening..ttyal.

Turn around and face..

I guess I should write this and just get it out. I am tired today. I am tired most days, some is from being anemic and maybe some blood sugar/pressure hormonal crap. Who knows? I am sick of it. I want energy and motivation, aimed with focus, bolstered by fortitude. What the hell, lol... I deserve it.

I don't want to spend another day in the bathroom, but there I am. I feel like shit. No, I haven't been drinking or doing any drugs. I am straight except for the hodgepodge of chemicals the doctors have me on. No, this is because my hernia surgery has failed again. I knew already. The Ob-Gyn  surgeon confirmed it. My intestines are already stuck to the new mesh. Dammit all to hell and back again. The last couple of days have been really bad.

I have so many things that need to be done. Some I really would like to do, others, no. I am trying not to throw up. I feel nauseated as hell and then starving at the same time. I am also sad, depressed, angry..I am so sick of the BS. I did have to laugh though, the doc told me that I had a fibroid(nasty non-cancer growth), endometriosis(when the menstrual cells go outside the uterus), and adenomyosis(menstrual cells grow into the uterine wall) and an ovarian cyst. It is all gone now. I have had very little to no pain, I actually feel better with this. The hard part is adjusting to another new med, I am now on a low-dose estrogen.

The problem is back to the hernia, again. That causes me severe pain. My uncle had 7 hernia repairs. I have had three now. (More swear words) I don't want anymore. My therapy for my neck/shoulder is progressing. I have much more use out of my right arm with less pain. I only wish it was faster.

Am I looking for sympathy/ No, I am just pissed off. I am so angry not only for myself but for all my  family and friends, my girlfriend's daughter right now who has been diagnosed with cancer. I am also sad that I am by myself, for the moment. That I don't have anyone to call up and say "let's go out to lunch, or come  on over and make cookies."

I am not going to talk about the holidays at all right now. I am getting there. My hubby will be home tomorrow, the kids are on break starting today. I am still trying to deal with daily living. It is hard when you can't bend over or pick things up. It is even worse when you can do these things and it just hurts a bit or hurts later. My kids have very little to no sympathy, they are worn out. I have been ill their entire lives.

I laughed when I had my surgery for my carpal tunnel. My company was paying for it on Workman's comp and was not happy about it. I always thought they would send out the P.I. with camera's. See, she is carrying groceries in, and here she is taking garbage out. I did it with a cast on. It was excruciating at times. Why? I didn't have anybody else to do it for me. I had to eat, make it to school, doctors, even work with the cast on.

I am getting over myself now. I have worked too long and hard to give up on myself or my family. I can still laugh, learn, grow and move on. We have a lot of big changes coming up again. Moving to Utah? Braces for Max, my son? Family, marital and individual counselling perhaps? Oh well, this all better than being a stagnant pool of stinky water.

The world, we only occupy such a small fragment of it. My bubble intersects with so many more, I am hoping what I blather does help others. It gives me a release. God has his own plan. I am trying to learn to trust in that and not re-act so blindly to it. I am so not where I need to be yet. To all my friends and family who have been helping me, thank you. I am sorry I am so angry today.

To the people who have hurt me or who I let hurt me, for whatever stupid-ass reason. Thanks for showing me I am human and fallible. I am going to say F you too..which is probably wrong but oh, well. I never claimed to be perfect, sane, or even in control at all times. I am doing way better. I have been embarrassed, hurt, and happy. I am happy that while I have been an idiot at times, I try to tell the truth. I also can remember what I have said for the most part. My promises mean a lot to me. The ones I make to myself and the ones I make to others.

I have got to go now. I have groceries to buy, a kitchen to clean and laundry to do..should go clean up some dog poop while I am at it. (I am laughing at this part, it is funny)

"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." ~Solomon

Shutting up for now, keeping an open mind, trying to remember and do what I have learned so far, and sharing that with others. Beautiful. Thanks for listening as always TTYL.

Hi World..

I took an unintentional break, sorry about that. I wrote two different rough drafts that ended up sounding like each other. For the most part is was about all my medical "shite". Enough of that already for now. I know I am tired of all of it and talking/writing about it hasn't made me feel happier. I am alive! I am way healthier than I was a couple of weeks ago. I am much much better than I was a couple of months back and even more so than I was last year at this time. You could even add in the past couple of years before that. I still miss a smoke every once in a while, less and less though.  I am still so ecstatic that I am an ex-smoker. Woo-hoo! It still shocks me.

Mentally, physically, spiritually..one step at a time. I am not looking for perfection or to hold myself to anyone else's standards. It is what I am comfortable with and then maybe a bit more. What makes it all work for me, the balance I have talked about before. I am at times going to be teetering one way and then tottering back another. My fulcrum is my inner spirit/soul. It is eternal and growing, and is indestructible. It can be changed, of course, but never destroyed.

What does all that mean? It means I am a work in progress. I am getting to where I am supposed to be going. If I want it to be what I want, I am going to have to make goals. Then, decide on my action plans and work on them daily.

I was appalled that almost none of my jeans fit for my trip to Utah. I knew I had gained weight. Which made me angry and depressed. I recently saw a video of myself. O-M-G! No, I am not comfortable with that. So, I have been cleaning up my diet, and walking with the dog every day. I also need to get my bike out again. Little steps, that can lead to big changes. I am adding 2 veggies to every meal, putting in my healthy snacks again and having one fruit a day..plus my leafy greens. I have done this before. This time, I am going to use the hypnotherapy again. It works very well for me. The harder part is getting my family into the plan.

I am not expecting miracles though I have been praying for them. I pray for my friend's daughter who has cancer and another friends husband. I pray for my special baby A girl who is in my heart and her mom and family. I pray for my friends business and welfare. I pray for a couple of other friends who have had surgery. I also add in my extended family and friends. My friend whose Mom is in the hospital. A friend that went to the ER tonight and another friend who went to the ER a few weeks back. I have friends with kids and family who could use some miracles, I could use some of my own.

My immediate family needs work, but I have such high hopes for it. I think we are in for another challenging year. It is okay. We will make it through. I know this. We will grow and be changed. It will hurt and be painful at times, but it is going to be worth it.

I need to go get some sleep. I got a few projects done today. I am hoping to accomplish a few more tomorrow. Thanks for listening. I have missed you all. Really. I will include some pictures, song or video soon or maybe not as I have more than a few quotes that to me all mesh together.

“I believe all joy is an extension of gratitude. If we can find something to be thankful for, no matter what’s going on, no matter how small, we can grasp the coattails of joy.”  

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  

scary, isn't it?

"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, to rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts." ~Salmon Rushdie 

  Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything ~George Bernard Shaw  

  When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place. - Unknown

Laughing out loud, as I do quite a bit, I am still here and ready for a new tomorrow and my next level.

It's Against the Law.

I don't know why I am slipping today? It is a choice. I am tired of being so "frumpy". I want to loosen up, have fun, not have to be the mom or the responsible adult. It is an edge. I know I have played on it before. I wish my body had gotten the same message and could keep up. I am in physical pain, anytime I bend over. Yowza. I am using a pain pill.

That's better. I am letting some of my worries go for now. It feels so good. They will be back to tug at me, for now it is light, innocent, a temporary release. All is good, tranquil. Except for the herd of elephants upstairs? Oops. One second.

It was my daughter dancing in her room and her brother chasing back and forth. Okay. That's cool, it just echoes downstairs. Took the dog and hubby for a walk, it was beautiful out in my desert tonight. 58F, clear and calm with a full luminescent moon. There are very few lights in the complex I live in. You can see stars and hear coyotes, I have even seen owls and bats. I love walking at night, always have.

It is out here that I find my peace. I started this when I was a kid at 13. I mentioned before I would sneak out and walk. Cold, hot snowy, rainy..it didn't matter. The first time I tripped on acid I talked to a tree. I don't know how long we communed, or even what we said..it was a weeping willow. It was so long ago, in a galaxy so far away. LOL, I am not recommending LSD to anyone. What is done, is done. I smile. I always will have a special affinity towards trees.

This is where I point out that I had access to acid and pot before I ever tasted alcohol or coffee. Cigarettes ?, the laws have changed dramatically since I was a kid. I wasn't carded for cigarettes till I was 18-19 and I thought they were joking. Alcohol, I was almost always carded. I had "friends" buy for me. The majority of my friends didn't like to see me wasted. I hung around with a few known "stoners" at school, but didn't party with them.  I don't even think they knew. It was my friends from my neighborhood, or me by myself. I made different combos out of diet pills, Mountain Dew and any type of prescription drugs I could get a hold of.

I still wish we would legalize drugs, especially marijuana. Not that I use any more, but because it was/is so stupid. Anybody that knows a user knows they aren't right in the head. They need help, therapy and drug rehab rather than jail time. I think we will find out that we (the American government in some branch) is actually in cahoots with the major drug cartels. It is all a sad joke, a "drug" war that has used up lives,
money, pain, murder..hell. "Legal marijuana" for cancer patients? I don't understand what the problem is. Cancer sucks, chemotherapy isn't a cure. It is a last ditch effort to poison/radiate the cancer. If pot makes them feel better, helps them with the nausea and pain, then what the hell?

People are going to use whether it is legal or not. Say no? Oh my God! Are you serious? Really?

The point with my diagnosis is that I can addict myself to anything. If I had stayed clean, I would still be having issues now. It doesn't take chemicals to be a using addict. I wish it were that simple. Simple, not easy..there is a big difference.

If I had a "magic" drug to help my daughter with her Asperger's? Hell, yeah I would give it to her. It is heart-breaking to see her suffer. School is a nightmare to her, home has its ups-and-downs. She doesn't have anywhere else. She has one friend her age. One. Her teachers are either fed up with her or so confused by her they don't know what to do. I have to say, I know how they feel. I have had her diagnosis since she was in 2nd grade? I have only talked with one school psychologist with any knowledge of it. Every "specialist" I have found is way out of my price range, doesn't accept my insurance or isn't taking "new" patients. The school? LOLOL..nothing. They ask me what to do with her.

I read and try different things. Sometimes this helps us. Sometimes it makes it worse.

It is a new morning, a new day.."hope springs eternal"

Thanks for listening as always. Love ya! I got to go do some chores.
I also have to add that I like people who are stoned. Most of the time they make me laugh. The sad part is when they are stoned all the time. You don't get to see the real person. Drunks can be fun or annoying or both. Hard-core druggies on meth, crack, heroin are scary and sad. I wouldn't trust them, invite them over or whatever. They need professional help which I am not. i'll chat about this more another time. TTYL.

Once is never enough..

It is already late, I slept for a little bit and then couldn't. My mind is racing over so many things. Christmas, my daughter, my son, my hubby, the puppy. I overdid it a bit today. I went to see my therapist, which went well. I just feel frustrated. Their isn't any easy answers. It is an ongoing daily commitment to stay on track. I know that it is okay to fall off too, or deviate a bit. I just have to keep my focus of what is important to me. A part of me is shocked and dismayed that I want to sabotage my own happiness, life. Another part just nods sadly, another part laughs and say uh-huh, duh.

The overdoing part was more physical, I haven't been in the car that long for awhile. I over ate for lunch, and then took the dog for a walk. I then did coupons and went grocery shopping with my hubby. He did very well until the end. I did put items up on the belt. I also helped throw a few bags in the car. That was more than enough. It isn't painful like last time more of a nauseated cramping. I am feeling much better now that I am chilling.

Tomorrow, I need to get my calendar organized with appointments and concerts and my hubby's schedule. I need to make the puppy an appointment, make an appointment for physical therapy and hmmm..set-up a monitoring system for my kid's homework. S**t, I am going to need a new calendar too. So many things to set-up and do. It still helps so much to have my husband home. It is going to be very difficult when he leaves this time. I am not going to think about that now. I'll cry when I get there.

I have read so many good articles and blogs lately. So much to think about and digest. I have more articles about Asperger's to read. I am trying to do better with my menu. I need to work on improving my kid's diets and work ethics. I also need to find some inexpensive fun, away from the house. So much to do..I don't know. I am NOT stressing. I am just a bit shaky. There is a big difference. My addictions are chilling a bit. Too much pain and sadness down that road. I have decided to not play that game anymore.

Easy to say (laugh here) but it requires concentration and a lot of humor. I have to be able to step back, give myself a pat, kick, hug, smooch, laugh depending on what I have done. I realize not everyone is going to love me or like me even. Hard to believe, right? I have got to LET IT GO. Lies, smoke and desires that wrap up into one big ball of what? Mental anxiety and anguish?? The hard part is realizing I have been enjoying the intensity of the emotions and feeding them into a frenzy. Pain has its own power. I have to say I am done and keep the door shut. There are people who are not good for me.

I would have preferred the truth.

I got to go catch some zz's now and will look this over and publish it in the morning or afternoon. Thanks for listening. TTYAL.

I am adding that I wrote this a couple of days ago. I have been trying to think of some music, pictures, or quote to go with it. I am thinking fire. You only have to get burned once to realize getting burned hurts. Then why do we get burned more than once in our lives? Really? We use fire for its for warmth, comfort, light, necessity at times. I can be a mesmerizing force, we "forget" and get "careless". Pain, physical, emotional, spiritual all wake us up and say hey, what are you doing?

What am I doing? I smile. Getting healthier.

and moving on..jing-a-ling-ling

Some things shouldn't bother me but, they do. Currently, I am still healing. I feel really ok and then move wrong or do something stupid and am reminded that I just had internal organs removed. I have been very very tired and have the worst heartburn in my life. I also can just take a couple of bites of food and that is it. I can't swallow any more. This has happened before. I lost a lot of weight the last time I went through that. Who knows? That would be a bonus.

I know I am a hypochondriac. Really. I do laugh here. I have also have had a lot of things wrong with me, too. The night in the hospital, my blood pressure dropped any time I rolled over and fell asleep. The nurses said it was because the the monitors couldn't get a good reading. They would sit me up, oxygenate me and then get a better reading. I also blew an IV. No surprise there. I am glad the hospital night is over. I have had too many of those. None were fun, or good.

I am still not in a holiday mood. Nope. I can appreciate that other's are. It actually makes me feel better to see them enjoy it. I love Christmas lights, cookies and homemade goodies. I used to go carolling. I was always in some kind of production somewhere. For a few years me and my sister would attempt the Messiah. Beautiful music, I smoked too many years to even attempt it now. When I worked at a coffee shop/bookstore, we got the loan of a baby grand piano. I drove my co-worker's insane by playing the Nutcracker Ballet CD over and over. Way fun!

When I waitressed I started wearing Jingle Bells. It ended up being more for me than others. It is hard to be truly and fully crabby when you jing-a-ling-ling every time you move. That was another one that drove my co-workers nuts, too. I miss them, we worked but had fun. I fought with people too, and I don't know. The work was always there. You had to do what you could to keep going.

I love having Christmas with my kids, at the same time that it makes me nervous and uptight. I am not in a hopeful mood this year. Mark will be back in Utah, and me and the kids? I really don't know. I have a few ideas for presents for the kids and Mark. Me? I don't know what I want. Which means I am probably not going to get it. I have dreams, desires, but so much of it is mixed up and upside down at the present.

I should have called my dad for his 81st birthday yesterday. I talked myself out of it. Not as brave as I like to believe. I shouldn't have sworn and threatened my daughter this morning after repeated attempts to get her out of bed. I lost it. It was very ugly. She went to bed an hour earlier tonight. We shall see tomorrow. I enjoyed the time with my son tonight. He is so scared and is trying not to be. He knows things are right, and is looking for love and security. My husband got drunk and went to bed. That happens every night. I should go put blankets on my plants tonight, my desert is going to freeze.

I need to go to bed. I don't want to. I have been dreaming so much lately. I could remember more of them if I tried to. No. Tonight, I wish I had the power to make dreams come true for other's. Heal the sick..there is a lot of medical issues so many of my friends and families face. There is a certain baby girl, a cousin, a friend's husband, so many friends. To help a couple that have split up, reconcile. I am not going to start bringing back people from the dead, or wishing for it. That is just too creepy. I do wish the ones who grieve, find peace at least for a while. To be able to erase every one's pain for I am not sure how long. It would feel wonderful. I pray instead, knowing I don't have the "magic" or answers. I don't even have the whole picture.

"Fate determines who enters your life, but your actions decides who stay."

That's the truth, I am glad I have you all. It may be just a whimsy of my over active loopy mind, I don't think so though. I feel you all as a warm emotional snuggly blanket. It is exceptional and I am not explaining it as well as I should.  I love it. Thanks for listening..TTYAL.

 I will ask the kids tonight about decorating. We shall see. D**n, now I have Christmas music running through my head.

I am..

Wow, my surgery is done, all over and I have been home for a day and a 1/2 now. I have to say I have had very little to almost no pain, except for a headache. My sinuses are killing me. They keep the air in hospitals dry on purpose. It is supposed to reduce germ growth. Okay, but aargh..

I am done whining on that issue. I can find a few more. Jack is barking loud as my neighbor and my hubby are in the garage. Hush, dog. This is not helping my headache at all. That's better. He is over on my lap now. He is such a ferocious scaredy-cat. lol.

I am tired, have been tired and have been asleep for the last 3 days. My hubby has been awesome. He's been doing laundry non-stop and cleaning. I am going to fall asleep again, in a bit.

I got into a "fight?" the night before my surgery on Facebook. What a troll. She kept attacking me personally, while not supporting anything she was talking about. I HATE fanatics of any kind, smart or dumb. I'd rather talk to a drunk, who is loaded. At least they have a probability of passing out. I finally figured out how to block her. On the plus side, it did help me through the night.

I had another "friend" tell me I was rude. I didn't even know what he was talking about. When I did I was very upset. Now? LOL, no more. Congrats to him, and his family, I am sure I can find friends who actually mean what they say. Wow, already have those. I don't consider myself blameless, for some reason that friend always made me blab. My non-stop messaging and commenting in the past would have driven anyone to retaliate. My apologies? No, I didn't do anything wrong "this time" to say sorry for.

It has been one crazy "effed" up year. I have managed to make it, so far. A couple more weeks to go. I am keeping my thoughts light and easy on this blog today. I will get more serious, deep and moody some other time. I am going back to sleep.

TTYAL, and thanks for reading as always.

To be at peace, your opinion of yourself must outweigh the assumptions of others about who you are. It is a conscious decision that their words no longer have the ability to keep you down. - Dodinsky

yep..lol. G'night.




I have no rights to the above song or lyrics, this blog is not for commercial gain.