Was it Monday?

Another weird day today after days of strangeness. I am not over-medicating again or doing anything else. I just feel odd. My hubby was home this week-end. We had a good time. It was fun, and pleasant and we did manage to talk about some things. My son has been on again, off again..alternating between being a royal pain in the a$$ to being an awesome human being. He overdosed on home-made sugar cookies for two days and ended up throwing up sick last night. He is fine now. My daughter is always very touchy, but she had moments of absolute clarity this week-end.

She had another break-down at school with the same teacher as before. She hid in the bathroom and wouldn't come out. If she doesn't make it to class tomorrow she is suspended again. *sigh. I asked her about it and she doesn't have an answer. At this point, neither do I.

I feel like crap.

I am mentally tired, emotionally drained and physically ill. My spirituality could use a boost too. I have been craving cigarettes today. I know it is just a reaction to my stress and all. I did manage to get by it all...Awh..poop and heartburn. It doesn't seem to matter what I eat or don't. Nasty acid reflux.

I took Jack the puppy for a walk. It beautiful out tonight with a full moon and no clouds. I wore my new sandals to show off my pedicure. It is close to pitch black and know I am not going to see anybody. Which I didn't. But, it is my first ever pedicure. My hubby's treat this weekend. They look marvellous.

I have to laugh, I can dress up very nice. I just never was a big fan of girlie things. Pink was a color I loathed. I did make-up, high heels, dresses, jewellery and purses through junior high through high school. Usually it was for church, though I did it up occasionally for school events or to trip people out. It was a bet to see how many people would say hi to me in the hallways that normally wouldn't. I laugh, but I averaged 0-3 per class depending. Dressed up, I could get 6 to 10.

I got contacts freshman year, and had Lasik done about 8 years ago. It is so awesome. I love being able to see without my glasses or contacts. I was legally blind without them. I had short hair when I was little, and then was not allowed to cut it till I was 18. I don't miss it. I had tremendous headaches that disappeared after my hair was short. Woo-hoo! I didn't have my ears pierced till I was 19. I also never wore gold until my early 30's and found out I am allergic to it.

I just got into a fight with my daughter again. She is moping. Whatever. I am so tired of her drama at the same time that I know she needs major help. I get so irritated that she won't even try anything. We both walked away this time. Which is a good thing but aargh!

My phone just rang and it should be my hubby saying he made it to his hotel. I am glad, but I am not answering, yet. I am sick of phones and letters and not being able to see or touch the people I am talking to. Blah. It just makes me feel so much more isolated. I  did meet with my ladies group. That was so sweet.  We had an absolutely great time. They are so awesome. I was in a somewhat quiet mode. Yes, I do have those. I am getting there. We have our conference coming up, it is going to be so much fun.

I feel like I am babbling here. Maybe I am. I talk to my therapist soon, and have doctor appointments this week too. I am not looking forward to any of it. I have returns to do, groceries, laundry, cooking etc. All the stuff I still have to do. One step at a time. TTYAL. Thanks for listening.

How Long Has This Been Going On?

Today is my wedding anniversary, yesterday was my hubbies birthday. I wish he could have been home for either or both. Nope, he has another 6 or so more days. Not fun. I did talk to him quite a bit today, on Facebook and on the phone. He is bored, I am sad. Somehow, this will all work out.

This past weekend opened my eyes to a few things. I was still obsessing about my "friend". Done, for good now, I hope. I wish them the best, can't and won't get sucked up into THAT mess any more. My nerves and emotions are still a bit raw. I exposed myself, not too surprising. I get hung up on stupidity every once in awhile. I have done this to different degrees before. I have also managed to shut the door and walk on too. Bye.

I keep saying that I keep getting bits of myself back. Yes, hard to explain, but it feels right. One more layer of maturity back on, or in place again. My kids and I still have a long way to go. I AM still addicted to Facebook. I am doing better, but have more work to do. My kids are also addicted to their various electronic games. Whew! One step at a time. I did better nutritionally today. I also did my physical therapy and went for a walk with the dog. It really made me feel a whole lot better.

Jack, my puppy has been my companion today. He has been nutty, sleepy, naughty and adorable. Right now he is crashed next to me. He always makes noises in his sleep. Sometimes he is nursing, so cute...other times he is having nightmares. What do dogs dream about? My dad always said they were chasing rabbits in their sleep. Jack has never seen a rabbit or a squirrel, yet. He chases lizards, crickets and birds. Ok, he eats the crickets..lol.

Dreaming, I read a whole blog about it. Everybody dreams, they have proven that or you would go psychotic. Some people remember their dreams vividly, others don't at all or rarely. I try not too..prefer not too. I daydream constantly, and have day-mares too. I find that easier than remembering my night dreams. Even good ones bother me. My dreams are incredibly weird. I suppose that isn't too surprising. I have had nightmares were I wake up shaking and crying and don't remember why. My hubby is good with that. He holds me, even when he isn't awake.

I had a dream in college where everything was in text..lol. I had gone through a radical adjustment from my boyfriend's apartment to life at BYU. I read through my collection of books, around the clock. Not too surprising then.

I am not always myself in my dreams, or even female..or always human either. LOL, I told you they are weird. My scary ones lately involve driving up and up and then going down and down. I am phobic about driving over bridges, overpasses and up/down/around mountain roads in real life. It is bad. It drives my hubby crazy, me too. It is irrational, I know it. I feel it, but I can't stop being scared or shaking. The dreams..ugh.

I had 2 dreams I remember as a kid. They are still imprinted on my inner consciousness. I'll talk about them some other time I am too tired tonight. My period is still 24/7 with various degrees of flow. I have multiple enormous clots..eww. I know. Sorry. This morning I woke up in a pool of blood. I was scared about my upcoming hysterectomy, not so much any more. Too not have to deal with this crap, wow!

That is why my hubby is working so may days in a row, so he can be here for my surgery and our son's birthday. He will be working through Christmas too. I think. I have been married to him for 14 years and lived with him for 8 years before that. For 22 years he has been my one and only. He saved my life and balances me still. We do have a lot of things to work through. I know! I still love him, though, and know he loves me. I still find that amazing.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.


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