Changed My Song..

I should be asleep, but I can't. I know this. Too much caffeine and candy, for one. It was Halloween, I sat outside in my warm desert and handed out candy to the hordes. It was fun, I like to see the costumes and the people young, old, and in-between. I only got to trick-or -treat once when I was a kid. It was rushed and confusing, I was at my Aunt Char's for some reason I had a store-bought costume pulled over my head and was handed a bucket and went along with all the others. It was cold, and rainy and my cousins didn't like me very much. I don't even know if I got to eat the candy. My dad was so totally against Halloween.

We still handed out treats. My mom had penny jars, the little kids weren't so bad they thought it was cool. The other kids knew how lame it was. Halloween was serious business back then, if you didn't hand out something you got tricked. I guess my dad found it easier to go along with it then clean up the messes.

I didn't get trick-or-treaters when I lived in apartments. In WI, we lived on a strange one block street, one year I only had 3 kids total stop by. In AZ, it is fun, I go through massive amounts of candy. It amuses me.

Max went out with his friends for a little and then came back and helped hand out candy. It was way cool. Renee got stood up by a friend and decided not to go, she was so totally bummed. I felt so bad for her. A true compliment from a very dear old friend turned her around. She played me music and we actually talked.  I wish this happened more often. They have school tomorrow, I have so many things to do to get ready for our Salt Lake city trip. Aaargh..lol. I'll get there.

I wrote a whole other blog to a friend I can't talk to. I wish I could, I miss him. I am also so mad, and angry at him too. Thanks, I am F.I.N.E just fine. LOLOL..you don't have a clue, brother. I thought you did. I have been wrong before, hopefully I can learn from this and move on. It has been very bad. Not your fault, just the way it is. ick and ugh..I am praying for you as always for you and yours and for me too.

I have a couple other friends who I am now worried about, unhealthy choices. I pray for them, I can't change them or fix them. They are who they are. There is help available. My particular afflictions are a bit more messy and complicated. I know there is other's like me..I have met quite a few of them. I help them as much as I can, it helps them. It helps me. Maybe it is a karma thing, lol. I still wish..

I keep going, it is what I do. The next step, moving on..learning, growing.

God has plans for me, I think I disagree with them so far, lol. It has become an impasse. This is not the first time and will not be the last time we are at odds. Free will, sorry..it is what it is, my choice, my life. I think I will find out this is the way it was supposed to be, perhaps.

It could be so much easier.

It could be way worse.

No insightful wisdom just tired, but thanks for listening readers, Thanks for inspiring me to do better. Smoke free. wow.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow..other way around for my friends across the world. Feeling emotional connections, it is like a recharge to my soul. G'night and God bless.

I own no rights to the music or lyrics of the video I included, that is the property of Aerosmith. 

In the desert, but not forever

The new news is that we will be leaving the desert and moving to Utah. Mark is accepting a permanent position there. They have already agreed to pay moving expenses and fly me and the kids out for a visit. I think this is a good move on our part. A healthy step for our whole little family. Jack, the puppy is going to freeze. LOL, he shivers at 70F and has never been out of AZ.

Mark still works for the same company so none of the benefits, or insurance change. At most he will be an hour away, and barring overtime and an occasional trip, will be home every day. Wow! What a concept. We have decided so far to keep the kids here till the end of the school year, so we will be moving sometime in Spring/ Summer. The hard part, except for moving again is the housing market. We can't afford to sell right now. The house is so depreciated. So we are looking into renting it, and then renting in Utah also, maybe. All up in the air with that for now.

I am going to miss things about Arizona, my neighbors and the few wonderful friends I did manage to make, my ladies group. I will miss the winters where below freezing is considered an outrage and there is no snow or frost. I will miss my pool and walking around in shorts, tank tops and sandals. I'll miss my wild lizards. I'll miss a few of my plants that flower year-round. I'll miss my kitchen.

Everything else? No.

"real fall"

The unending sunshine, the heat, the dust, and glare..and being trapped on the edge of nowhere. Broke, without anywhere to go and nobody to do with it. I do not like being a housewife or the 24-7 parent without any breaks. I need a real job, and my own spending money.

We will be in a way smaller house, living more in town, close to a major city. Don't know where yet, but trying to get excited. My hubby home every night? Wow. I could get used to that, it has been years and years.

I saw the doctor last week, and will be telling her this week that I am ready for a hysterectomy. That will be sometime in November. I hoping it makes me feel better, fingers crossed. I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL, I actually read a book with that title, it didn't help.

I need to go to my kid's parent/teacher conferences tomorrow. They both did very poorly this quarter. Renee, still and Max, hmm. I think so much of it has had to do with my drama's. I need to change my focus on them a bit. *sigh. I am so not happy about that idea. School is full of so much crap now-a-days. I am sorry, but it is true. Not that my kids can't figure out how to make it work for them..hmm. idk

I have been trying so hard. I just feel lately that I am not getting anywhere. My depression, obsessions, compulsions, the physical, exhaustion, nausea, diarrhoea..have been taking me over. My "real" life is boring and mundane. It involves cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, parenting, driving, scheduling..I have been slacking at most of it.

 I care, but I don't see the point to it any more. I don't have any visitors, my kids can be very surly and apathetic, my hubby isn't usually here. So, I sit here and Facebook, or blog and check on e-mails. I play solitaire and check coupons. I drink coffee and take my "happy" drugs. I sleep or nap. I pray, laugh, and cry. Sometimes I even watch TV or a movie/netflix with the kids. I feed and treat the dog. (yawn)

Depression, boredom, and physical malaise..whatever. I am making myself tired and sick of myself. LOL My "friend"? Whatever. Good luck and break a leg! You are on to bigger and better things that I can only dream of. What is done is done. I'll miss you, can't help that. My other friends take time to share bits and pieces of theirs. It is more of a true friendship, we share the good and bad. You can't help me, at all. I wish you could, that is where the pain comes from. The hope that isn't real.

The holidays will be my newest goal to get through and accomplish, bringing my kids grades up? Eating healthier, saving money as always. The focus know isn't to try to acclimatize, but to get ready for another move.Wow, weird, change would be good. Thanks for listening to me ramble on.

TTYAL..have a wonderful day, week..and always find something to laugh at daily. Love ya!