Me, me, me

Last night was the last meeting of my Asperger's/High-functioning Autism class. It was through the school district and was very informative and interesting. The ladies who taught the class were excellent. They both did a great job in how they presented everything. The only problem? I think because they work on the school part of the situation that they don't understand the parent's side. There was a lot of good stuff, most of it isn't applicable. Or at least I don't see where it is, yet.

The one part is that the therapy I got for Renee was the most difficult thing I could have done for her. I understand a lot more of her frustration and why she shuts down at times. I just wish I had better ways of getting her and her brother more (?) I don't have a word for it.

Parenting..the toughest job you will ever have..aargh!

Big shocker alert, neither of my kids are "normal", whatever that means. The one thing that has come out of all my efforts is that both my children have their own minds, and definite likes and dislikes. They aren't shy about that, either. If they don't like something, they will let you know. The part of normal I knew I wouldn't have was a girl who went to dances or dates, who dressed up and acted girly. I kind of expected the "nerdy" genius valedictorian.

My daughter is neither of those, and never was. What she will be? I can admit now I really have no clue. This is scary, but okay for now. I am trying to go with the flow and not micro-manage everything. It doesn't work, anyway. I know this, but it is so hard. I am back to whining now. LOL

I have been reading the blogs of a lady trying to lose weight  through diet and exercise. She is very inspiring. I also have other friends who are at different levels of exercise and fitness. From zero to infinity, I am closer to the sitting on my butt type. Some of my friends are marathoners, iron men or women..they are amazing. I am starting from slow, square 1again. My one friend says "no powders, no pills, no gimmicks"..I wish. The magic wand of health would be so so.. *sigh. I guess not.

I feel better tonight, and hope I can continue. I have been so exhausted. If there is a medical component to it, I think it is going to be multiple answers. If I can start eating healthier, sleeping regularly, and exercising I will start feeling more energetic. That is the plan. Procrastination..what am I waiting for?

This blog is about me, my life. My desire to not only be me, but the best possible me I can be. I hope I inspire those around me. Thanks for listening. No music, no quotes, no art today, no God talk either..I may add some later. TTYAL

That's what friends are for...

I am hot, burning up warm. I don't think I am sick. I am not sure why. Hot flashes? Maybe, as I am still taking a small dose of hormone therapy, but all day? I received bad news about a friend. I wasn't surprised but sad. He has to find his own will to continue moving forward. Nobody else can give him that. It hurts me to know he is in pain, though.

I am trying to decide what to do next. I still don't know. My kids are doing better. My hubby's schedule is going to improve a bit shortly. The end of the year is coming up fast. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving and some things about Christmas. I am also scheduled to see a marriage counselor, hmmm. yeah.

I have to confess that admitting you have been whacked out crazy is very freeing in a way. It becomes something you don't have to hide anymore or feel embarrassed about. Yes, I did totally lose my mind. I still have bits and pieces that float away and others that come back. My short term memories for details is shot. I poured water into the coffee maker and then forgot and filled it again. Ooops! I didn't notice until later, when I discovered water all over my counter. Crap.

Small things that add up, I write things down a lot as my brain wants to change things around. Wrong date, wrong location, wrong time, I have learned I can't trust myself with these things. My hubby thinks it is the meds I am on. I am quite sure they are a contributing factor, but I have always had this..it is just worse.

The dental work is done for my kids. Three small cavities filled, not so bad. The eye doctor is next, seeing if either kid needs glasses yet. Then, a medical doctor for my daughter for her severe acne. She is cursed with that mess from both sides of the family. The boy hasn't quite hit that point yet.

Why did I have kids again? LOL.''I love them always" can't help it. I don't always like them, but for the most part they are good kids, really. I am not the greatest mother, either. I have my "mother of the year" moments and then "drag them under the bus"  episodes. Sometimes with in the same 15 minutes..'tis true. I think most parents can relate.

One thing that does bother me is when folks say their whole life is their kids. Um, no..call me selfish, but no. If, something happened to either one of them or both I would lose a giant chunk of myself. I have told both of them that neither one can die before me. I am not sure how I would continue after that. I try not to think about it.

But, while all the above is true, I had a life and love before them, and I will have a life and love during their raising and after..hopefully. A bonus with the last years therapy was that it opened up a communication between me and my kids. They had told me I never really talked about myself or being a kid. True. Now that I have told the whole world, it is a bit easier in person.

My therapist told me, and I have mentioned it before.  You know when you are healed when you can tell your own story. I am still working on it, so many secrets. I have had a lot of advice since writing this. One friend warned me to not to admit to too much as I may regret it. That is true in a way, it has changed my life. Another friend told me I had balls of steel. Aye carumba! No. Another told me that some things are better left unremembered and forgotten. That may be very true. There is things I flash on, but just quite don't remember. This can be a blessing.

I realize I have not been trying very hard at anything, lately. Just trying to stay afloat. I can be very mean/ harsh with myself and my kids. I do regret that. I wished in a way when they got their dna mix from me and my hubby that they would also take some of our experiences too. Nope. I have tried to protect them at the same time as I try to get them ready to face the world on their own. I am glad their dad is in the here and now with them. It helps so much.

I have things to do tomorrow, appointments to set up, kids to school, all my usual fun tasks of taking care of my house and family. My refrigerator is bursting from being filled with so much food. Tomorrow, I will wage war on it. Divide and conquer and throw away the refuse...lol.

I was deeply touched by all who answered my prayer request for a friend in need. thank you. I add my own prayer. "God, you know who I am thinking of, I know you have a plan for them. I know they also have choices, please help them and let them know they are not alone in this world. They are loved. thank you."

My mind is whirling around and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. it is 1am and I need to try to sleep. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you all later.

Thank you mess..it is a great page. The link is above on the picture, I own no rights to it. I am a mess also, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, No, Maybe..

This was on my facebook wall. I read it once, then again, and I downloaded it and finally got it to copy onto here. I have reread it again. I am still laughing because my mind seems to want to slip off this.

Don't promise when you are happy, this is especially true for me in relationships with people. The one advantage to being "older" than I was, has been learning things. I don't promise the moon to anyone anymore, because I know I will not be able to deliver it. Other things have been harsher lessons..."never say never". As an addict I recognize when I am on top of the world feeling grand and it is so easy to lie to myself and believe it. "I will never do that again" for me is a setup for failure. Eventually my mind will sneak around and find a way for me to do what I swore would never happen. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I thought I would never quit smoking. Other times, oh bad, bad, bad.

The best I can do with this is say I am not going to do this today, because I really have decided I don't want to. It isn't good for me. This brings to mind when my Catholic friends would give up something for Lent. Some would make it so hard on themselves, they actually picked a habit or item that they loved or were addicted to. I am giving up coffee or swearing. Some of them would make it and some of them didn't. I didn't judge this and still don't. I found the whole process fascinating.

Others would choose things that were so silly or easy for them. I am not wearing purple for a month, or I am not eating any liver, which they loathed. This always made me laugh, as some got very very silly. I did have one non-Catholic friend in high school who always gave up something for Lent. She would laugh and then admit that it was good for her. She usually did very well with it as she picked little things she felt she needed to work on.

She could also, keep up her new habit much more easily than others with the stricter goals. The coffee drinker, for instance, if they made it through the whole time period, would go drown themselves in it for weeks after. Their usage would actually go up, sometimes it would level out later and sometimes not.

I find this all fascinating. What motivates people? What strategies work for them?.. I like knowing why people tick or tock. Everybody has their own unique ways, but there is still trends in this.

"Don't reply when you are angry." There is a yes/no to this. I have said things when I was angry that I have regretted. Oh my, yes. I also have had the right to be angry at times, and let it be known. Other times, I bottled it up and never said anything. The best bet at times is to cool off and then try to explain calmly why you are so mad. Anger is such an easy emotion for me to have, I have used it on purpose throughout my life to get through things. Most of my jobs have required physical effort, anger gives me power. The hard part was learning to choke it down, or get past it. Life isn't fair. The anger at yourself, self-loathing..*sigh. I am still learning to forgive myself for my faults and others for theirs, every single day.

We are human. At least I think I am, my brother used to tell me I was hatched. It was horrible to me as he would call me Laura Egg. I wrote my e's backwards for a time. He recently was very ill and is now recovering. I laugh now, brothers..he also said I was a tender soul. That was sweet. He's a goof.

Don't decide when you are sad. Yes, no, maybe..If I hadn't decided to leave school when I did, I wouldn't be with my husband. It is hard to say what my future would have been instead. I might have graduated, but I can say at the time my lifestyle was killing me. I think this saying is meant to help us realize that we shouldn't react emotionally to a rational dilemma.

I do talk to my God, and the answers are not always what I wanted, or what I expected. Sometimes this is rational, but mostly felt in my soul. I can feel when I am doing right at times. The reverse is true, when you know it is bad. Talking in anger? Unless you are a saint, there has been at least one moment in your life where you have said or done things. Yes. The worst for me now was when I yell(ed) at my kids.

 There are a few people in my life I hate. I don't like hating, though it is easy to do. Forgiveness? ...for myself and others is my level this week. Forgiveness isn't forgetting, but is releasing me from my hate, that is my emotion. It doesn't hurt them at all. It isn't good for me, so I am learning to let it go.

Thanks for listening. ttyal.

So for this, yes, no, maybe..is that an answer? For me it is.