Choice swear words...

I have been trying to adjust to the New Year. Not much has changed, but it still feels different. I have been sick again..damn hernias. I feel much better right now though. It comes on in waves and I will be okay for a while and then it hits. I am saying choice swear words. I may call my ex-surgeon tomorrow to see if he suggests anyone. I am so tired of fighting this.

My kids, are incredible. I am going to say that again. My kids are incredible. They do drive me to the edge and back again. Then they amaze me. Max is working on his own New Year goals. He decided he wants to improve his grades, spend less time on-line and be a nicer person. Wow, he came up with all of this on his own. Renee isn't doing as well. She is still very depressed, but we are talking more. One problem is she makes no sense at times, even to herself. I am working very hard at just listening and NOT commenting or starting to lecture. It is helping. The one bonus is her music just keeps getting better and better.

I am learning to move on. I wish I was doing more, but then I get overwhelmed and/or burnt out. Baby steps, one at a time..learning to fall forward enough and then catch myself. I keep being reminded of balance. I was talking with my kids about moderation, in drinking, in everything. They "got" it. Then of course they have to get goofy. I was saying it is easy to dehydrate especially in the summer heat in Arizona. I then mentioned while not impossible, it is hard to over-hydrate. Your body will try to refuse to let you drink too much H2O. My daughter's comment, "unless you are drowning."  LOLOL..she does have her moments. I know that shouldn't be funny but, it is.

I do not understand why I am wide awake at 4AM. I didn't even take a nap yesterday. I went to physical therapy. I admit I cheated out of some of my exercises. I just felt awful. I went grocery shopping and didn't use my coupons either. Gasp! I know, it is terrible. I am so living on the outer edge. Serious? You know your life is sad when you get excited that your brand of toilet paper is on sale. I have become my mom. I did marry a nicer guy though. That was a bit of a wicked comment. Whatever, I don't really think I am heading straight for heaven anyway.

My honey will be home again this weekend. Thank God! Praise Hallelujah, Amen. Winter break was horrific to me. It had a few shiny happy moments, but for the most part..blcch. I survived it as did my kids and the dog. My house could use some major TLC. I am trying to talk my internal self into liking housework. If I am going to be addicted to something why not make it useful like cleaning, cooking, and exercising? So far I have not been successful with this. I think my subconscious is too smart for that. More choice swear words..

Yes, I am still addicted to Facebook, though I am no longer a stalker. Yeah for me! The time I spend is less than you might think as I read fast and do other things as well. Denial is so lovely. I am still working on this. My  prescription medications are finally straight. I am not sure if I mentioned it, I had added an extra anti-depressant I wasn't supposed to be taking. Oh my. Plus I figured out I double-dosed on my others a few times. I was wondering why I was so dizzy? duh..there are also a few things I have spaced out too. I had a few people make some comments to me about this or that. Huh? I went back and read stuff I wrote. I was impressed that for the most part I was really nice. It is disturbing that I don't remember writing it at all. I probably shouldn't be admitting that.

Levels, I still have some goals in mind but I need to get some physical things working better first. Focus and then commitment will be next and a specific action plan that can be tweaked as needed. Change is hard. Staying the distance is even harder. Ugh. I will not let the lizard win! ?? I will explain that another time.

Thanks for listening. I am hoping you are having a lovely winter day where ever you are. My blog tracker says I have readers from all over the globe. I find this incredibly sweet. TTYAL.

“Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.”—Unknown 

Yeah, afraid so.

I Can...

The question was: Do you have a life plan? My answer was: You'd think everyone would or at least should. I don't. I am thinking about it.

I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.

My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.

My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of  birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.

My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.

"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere.  It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.

I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.

rainbows and copters

The married drug addict I hooked up with when I was 19, only hit me once...in five years. He never used in front of me and I didn't know. That he addicted me to cocaine unintentionally and without my knowledge, *sigh. That he stole from me..and lied. I knew without knowing. That he loved me in his own way, I will never doubt. Fools, both of us...I learned a lot. I finally opened my eyes, saw the cockroaches on the walls and realized, no.

Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.

Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.

My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL

This song has been stuck in my head all day..I own no rights to the video, music, lyrics, nothing.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.