drift away..

I am so crabby today. and irritable..no real reason for it. PMS maybe, stupid hormones. My skin is crawly, feel bloated, ugly and mean. Some parts just ache, my shoulder, my hip, my teeth, my hand, my feet..pins-and -needles. An effin headache that comes and goes, and a loopy digestive system. I am tired now, but not sleepy and my energy levels are on the fritz. Hot then cold, bored but lazy. I am also dying of thirst and nothing is quenching it. Have I whined enough yet? LOL..I CAN still laugh at myself..about the only bonus.

I have friends and family with real physical ailments, who are battling cancer, or the daily struggle of RA, Lupus, Diabetes and quite a few ugly things. Usually where the treatments are (almost) worse than the disease. There is no cures.

I have friends and family who also are afflicted with depression, PTS(post-traumatic syndrome), bi-polar, alcoholism, and addiction..plus a few other things. There is treatment and help available..the hardest part of this is not my own struggle but watching others losing the battle and not even realizing it. I feel that pain, and empathize with others that have the same sense of horror and loss. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to.

My hubby leaves tomorrow, my kids have 5 days of school left, my puppy stinks. Lol, just the facts ma'am. It is raining in the desert tonight, it has been months. It smells and feels wonderful.

I have a very good life and I am grateful for it, I have been blessed in so many ways. I am just not happy with the face I see in the mirror today. I am having an "off day?" I have a friend I blocked today, I find a lot of his posts amusing or good, but his negativity towards woman..ugh. Woman are sex objects to him. I finally reached a limit. Fat, ugly woman..? What a schmuck.

I have another friend who I may permanently block..I don't like him and that bothers me. He's negative and mean, and mentally handicapped. I don't have the patience. I admire the ones that do.

I'll be okay, just needed to vent a bit I guess. I apologize for the negativity. I can't even discuss levels today, I am looking for release and peace. Tomorrow will be another day. The title is from a song from Uncle Cracker.. Drift Away. I own no rights to this song. Thanks for listening and TTYAL, going to drift away into slumber land, I hope.

"I Don't Like Monday's"

I am proud of myself today, to a certain point. Always have to have those qualifiers...it's okay. LOL, I am thinking it is what makes me interesting. I dropped my brother off at the airport today. I am going to miss him. It was a visit that was 20 years past due. He is and always was amazing. Geoff is the oldest and I am the youngest, though my mom miscarried at one time. Gordon or George would have been my younger brother. I wish, and then again, no. He didn't even get a chance to breathe, but ended up in a better place.

The proud part was that I am getting very good at navigating the Arizona freeway system. For someone who has no sense of direction and a fuzzy brain this is a major bonus. Yey! I only had one panic attack last night on a ramp. Damn vertigo! It makes no sense, my fear of heights, bridges, curvy roads. It features in my dreams quite often. I am driving on a road that leads up and up and up..then I am on the top looking down. Sometimes there are bridges, usually there are more windy roads that loop around. I suppose there may be a choice, but the fear wakes me up. Aaargh!

In real life, the fear is even stronger. It hits me..at the most inopportune times. It makes me feel a bit trapped here knowing I can't drive through mountains. I've tried..so not good. I am disgusted with this, even though I try to give myself a break. How many phobia's can one person have? My favorite author in one of his books pointed out that those who have been "mind-raped" suffer with irrational fears, phobia's, etc. that may never go away. LOL, since he is a "fictional" writer I am hoping for better.

Completely off topic, to my friend and fellow SA and Fb addict, I am sorry. What I said to you was wrong. I know it, you know it. I am not a counselor. I am in the same boat, sorry, I rocked it. I am glad you are doing better with FB, and hope you are doing better with other things as well. We are what we are..but we can get better. I do miss chatting with you. Whew! My brother wasn't even phased by any of my addictions or any other shocking revelations. The fact that I am non-political and have only voted once..LOL. I am very glad he is still speaking to me.

My hubby comes home tomorrow. YES!

Other things..my car is still smoke-free. (*sigh) This has been a major challenge for me. I know I missed my quit day. I am a big squawky chicken. I have another plan, but am not ready to share it yet.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength"

This was posted by a friend of mine, who can be very wise for someone so young. LOL..he said he never had a stalker before. No, I am being good. It does hurt, this fight. But I have won before. I am trying to break free of all the habits and fears that have me trapped. One step at a time..

My level..what is yours? What are your fears and how do you face them? How do you help other's with theirs? These are just questions..there are no right or wrong answers. I would be the last person to judge...as in not my job, desire, or life-purpose.

"tell me why? I don't like Mondays..." It is a song by the Boomtown Rats that was inspired by a girl  who
went on a shooting spree.. at the school across the street. This makes me cry inside. More fuel I guess...the world CAN be a better place. I have to believe that. I still love Monday's.