Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

It's Been Awhile

Max , my 11 year-old son is lying on the couch, it is 10:39 and way past bedtime even for a week-end. His knee is going out again, his left one this time.. One of his physical therapists did warn me this could happen. Hell. 

I hate to see him in pain, that he is enduring an ice pack says a lot. I can hear his knee as he tries to bend it and it "clicks" loud..and watch as his face crumples. This hurts me as a Mom, I would take his pain if I could. It also means back to the doctor's for a referral and then back to physical therapy. It has been a year since the last time. It is a brutal process to go through and also to watch.

This problem is hereditary..genetics.

I had a friend say "show me your friends and I'll show you your future"..not sure if that is original or not. He was talking about drug and alcohol addiction. Right now almost 98% of my friends are on-line, only. My destiny??? A doctor can say, show me your family tree..and there is your medical future. Which does include addiction, as it is a disease. Other things, too. My family is plagued with diabetes. I have watched a few people who have bucked the odds of their genetics through rigorous exercise and strict adherence to a healthy diet and lifestyle. I have watched other's break their addiction's and live fully. I give them all so much credit.

The "typical" American way...we throw drugs/and or money, and more drugs/and or money at problems and mouth the words of what we are supposed to be doing. Fast food is easy and cheap. Fresh fruit, veggies, exercise..takes a solid commitment and a very strong desire. Losing weight is big business..so is being an out-of-shape couch potato. I always laugh at the "woman's" magazines next to the checkout, they have all the latest headlines. LOSE 10-20-30 lbs... without any pain or in so-and-so many weeks. The picture underneath it will be a new recipe for chocolate cake or the most indulgent dessert. The other pictures on the cover are usually about the latest celebrity, good or bad, usually from TV or the movies. The other blurbs will be about the newest hottest e-toys. Oh, and then how to save money, somehow. LOL.

Just saying, I hate exercise and love food.

I found a big piece of myself today. Ka-chunk..thanks to a friend I met on Face book this year. She is a smart, beautiful lady with a huge heart, romantic dreams, and great common sense. I wouldn't have made it through the past year without her. She manages to take pain and sorrow and wraps it around and somehow twists it and turns it till it comes out as hope and love. She's amazing, all by herself. Her soul-mate..will have to be one-of-a kind special. He's out there and their destiny. I believe, because she does. You can't help but love her, she's the real thing.

I have been feeling like a rat in a cage. A bored housewife with major past issues..OMG..I HATE STEREOTYPES!

 "I'M PRETTY COOL WITH THE TEMPORARY FORM OF HUMAN LIFE." Tom Walsh 



This was a quote from a friend before I unintentionally insulted him. Oops! It was a joke..sorry, you didn't get it. I still love this quote..




My level was learning about myself today..good and bad. I yelled at my son this morning beyond anything he should have had to hear because of my frustrations and later had the guts to apologize. He forgives me..but I have to work on that. It won't be a true apology if I keep doing it.

Your level is wherever you need to be..and then some, and you WILL know it when you see it. It is your future after all. Our time here is temporary, only a 100 years or so.. if you are lucky. What will they say about you when you are gone? What will they say about me? LOL...

"It's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high.." Staind