and Another..

Another New Year? Crap, didn't we just have one?? Wow, that went really fast.

Last year..Oh My.

I faced some major truths about myself, good and bad, and went Insane. I knew I wasn't "right" and shattered just begins to describe it. This blog has been part of my therapy to fit my pieces back together. The greater majority of "me" has returned from its trip. I can say I am more "sane" and "aware" than I have ever been. Yes, I did mean to capitalize the I. Okay, I'll stop with the (")s. I just feel there should be some fireworks, excitement, hoopla. Nope.

I am not bawling my eyes out either. Woo-hoo!! Which is a major bonus from the last two previous years. I am just very mellow today. My kids are bored, and I am praying for the end of next week. Getting back to the routine of my days without them here all day. Oh God! I need a break. I could use a vacation from their vacation. My hubby has started looking at houses in Utah. I am still queasy about this.

Change, it has been all about change this year for good or evil. There is more coming up for 2012. I'd like to be more prepared and ready for it. It really doesn't work that way most of the time, though. I am not sure if I adapt better or worse to it than most. I don't know, doesn't really matter. My comparisons with others is automatic, but not very accurate. We only see the tip of the iceberg so to speak when we see others. There is a whole other mountain underneath. I got this from a Denny's training manual, the things I remember.

I have my fireworks now. The neighborhood is setting them off, crapola. "be careful what you wish for" Jack, the puppy will be going nuts all night. He runs around and barks his fool head off. D**n it! I am laughing, go figure. I wonder if Utahn's are better about this than Arizonians? Every holiday around here they are setting them off. Some shoot off guns too..yeah, really.

So, how am I doing? My son asks me this multiple times a day. He worries too much. I love him. I am okay. On the better side of okay for now. My daughter, shaking my head, is a trip. She's in a good mood for now. I enjoy these moments with her, they aren't very regular. Though, I wish she had showered today. My nose has become a super power. This is not a blessing. Everything stinks, one way or another. Even myself, I need a shower too.

Physically I could be doing way better. I am going to go for a walk and see if that helps. I am going to try some meds too. It has been an ongoing problem on-and-off for too long now. I have two hours till midnight, my  medical deductible is paid till then. So not good.

Oh whatever, what the hell am I writing here? Blah, hell, shit or lack of? Oh my G! Lolol..sorry.

New Year, New sanity, New start..forgiveness? I let go of all the hatred, despair and negativity of the last year and embrace the plus. Sounds better, doesn't it? feels better too. This is from a very good friend with great motivational ideas. I am not sure where he got it from..or was his own brainstorm.

Challenge yourself in 2012 ... Write yourself 4 letters - now.. Each with at least 3 different short term goals and 1 long term goal. Label each envelope as March, June, September and December. Write down what you are going to accomplish in 2012 and how you are going to do it - for each of the goals.... Then put them in a place where you remember them - then every three months - open a letter and see how you are doing. Continue working towards your goals and accomplish something BIG in 2012!

I am not going to announce my goals yet. Shhh..I haven't written them out yet. I'll get there in a bit. Thanks for listening as always..love ya! Happy Happy New Years ...love, peace and hope to all..yes, even you. Especially you. Hah! 

I wanna touch you..

Tonight is a night I could do without. My hubby is in another state. We haven't really connected these past few days at all. I get irritated. I don't want to talk to him on the phone or computer. I want him here, face to face. I need/want a physical touch between us. It isn't even sexual. I could blab about my day, sometimes he does about his. Right now neither one of us is talking or sharing anything. He knows I am lonely and fed-up. I know he is lonely too. This gets harder and harder, not easier.

My therapist said I had realized a lot of my goals and needed to set new ones. Really? I guess. I am way better than I was, but crap. He also said therapy isn't forever. Yeah, I knew that. I just don't want to think about it yet.

The two people in my life that I see every day are my son and daughter. They are driving me cuckoo. Part of my therapy is to learn better parenting skills. I haven't reached this goal at all. I am either too harsh or too easy. The love is there, rules and consequences, respect and following through all need a major overhaul and re-commitment. Does this sound familiar to any parents out there? Ugh, I let too many of my own concerns and worries keep a barrier between us. I don't think anyone realizes how hard being a single parent is, unless you are one. I am, but I'm not. One more group that I kind of belong to but don't fully.

I realized today that none of us ever went out the front door at all. Not once. I took garbage out back. That is the weird part of not smoking. I used to smoke about every 15 minutes or so. That meant I was outside for that time. Today I went out back, once, and never even unlocked the front door or opened the garage or gate. Huh, suburbian isolation at its best.

The worst part, except for a few of my neighbors, I really don't have contact with anyone I know at all. I didn't even see them. I hate it. This does not help my Facebook addiction which has been in full force the past few weeks. I at least managed to accomplish a few chores today. I caught up on laundry and cleaned up my kitchen, but blah. I didn't even take a shower..eww!

Still can't sleep even though I am exhausted. Ok, enough is enough. I will go try to snooze, thanks for listening.

"if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off" - michelle gray    "I am a human being, not a human doing. Don't equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren't what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don't... you aren't." - Dr. Wayne Dyer 

Yeah, I am a bit strange, but it isn't like I have admitted otherwise. LOL, I don't own this picture and have no idea where it came from. Beautiful though.

Tomorrow is...

I am still here. Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday and is looking forward to the New Year. I have had a lot going on this past week. I am still trying to sort it all out. My Christmas was nice. Seeing my hubby was even better. Having the kids home for more than a week? Not so good. I will talk about all that another time. It is too raw and personal right now.

I will not be unhappy to see this past year go, I learned a lot. Some good, some very bad. Did I succeed at any of my goals? yes and no. I am smoke-free. I am alive and more aware/awake of myself and the world around me. I did not lose weight. My family, while stuck in a holding pattern for now, has a goal and direction to head towards.

I am scared of the New Year. I could use the word trepidation, instead. Logistics, selling/renting one house and starting again in a new state. Trying to figure out directions, schools, stores and finding a job. Physically packing and unpacking, erghh..and readjusting to being a married mom. Having to deal with seasons and snow/cold again. ugh.

I am scared of facing more of my demons. There is not much worse than being afraid of evil. Looking at it in your own eyes and feeling the emotions of it is awful. Being angry is so easy, vindictive, jealous, judgemental. Turning these around to hope, passion, forgiveness, openness is work. I am so tired. Forgiving yourself is the hardest for me. I tend to be my own harshest critic. "Be nice to yourself" yeah.

I have to get my act together. In advocating for change, I am not saying I am not okay with myself. I just have to be able to grow and challenge myself.

I have so much more to talk about but I have to get a move on and go do. I will write sooner and more specific. Thanks for listening for now TTYL. Christmas is over, but this is something I think we all need to work on every day.

Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness.To an opponent, tolerance.To a friend, your heart.To a customer, service.To all, charity.To every child, a good example.To yourself, respect.
 Oren Arnold.

 

mmhmmm...lolol. No handouts. Tomorrow never comes, it is always a new day.

Just Holding my Hand..

I am being thankful. My hubby is back from Utah, my kids are okay. Jack the puppy is sleeping quietly and I am mostly ready for tomorrow. I am not sure where my mind and emotions are at. I feel stuck in neutral, sort of revving and not going anywhere.. One of my favorite friends pointed out that she will be very happy to say good-bye to this year. Yeah, totally understand that, it was the year of "crazy" for me. Technically three surgeries for me and major medical overload plus working on mental and mind crap. It isn't quite over yet.

I am having another "hot flash" Whew! I am letting a long breath out. I have been cold all day so this isn't bothering me that much. It helps to be mellow. I am petting Jack, this does help calm and relax me. I had an urge a couple of times today to have a smoke. It is good. I am still okay with it. The urges have become less and less frequent. I will probably always have them. It is funny what triggers addictions.

My stomach/hernia has given me some grief on and off for the past couple of weeks. I have had this issue for 30 years. It has been much worse, so I am not really crying about it. I am uncomfortable now, debating on taking something for it. I can go lay down when it is really bad, it is nice to have that choice. As long as I don't start throwing up, that means my small bowel is obstructed. More doctors? Another surgery? Among other options, my husband and I have been talking about the upcoming year/move. Another long breath, I am not quite ready yet for any of that. Christmas is first, New Year's and then we shall see. The one bonus is my deductible has been met. My out-of-pocket expense is ..lol.

I wrote some stuff about the ghosts of Christmas pasts. It was good to get some of the bad out. I am not sure if I am ready to share any of that yet if ever. I smile because there is happy memories mixed in. Different friends over the years, different jobs, my kids and family, a little red bike.

I have a lot of religious friends of all different beliefs and faiths, and some atheists too. A big majority are like my husband. They were raised in a faith, and don't believe or attend. I don't think he thinks about it. He doesn't feel a lack or void. There are right and wrong things, and a few grey areas. He tends to go to the right side more often then not. Having children for me changed my perspective on a lot of things. I know it did for him too.

There is so many things I would have done differently in my life if I known better. I thought for a while that was just a folly of being young. No, being older has made me wiser in some things but not less human. I still embarrass myself. I try to not let it overwhelm me and move on. Waiting tables taught me a lot about keeping going. It also taught me that screw-ups happen all the time. You learn and deal. I'd like to think I don't mess up as often.

This past year of messy emotional and physical drama has made me so aware of who I am. I am waking up and seeing there is so much more I can be doing. I also have to give myself credit for where I have been and what I have overcome. I hope and pray that I will never let anyone let me doubt myself again so much. I can rant, rave, cry, laugh, shrug. That people can misunderstand me or find me hard to take at times is understandable. I don't always like myself either. It is also hard to type humour. Words have always been my friends and enemies. My laughter is a true defence against the darkness. That not everyone "gets" it I "get". There is so many people I truly don't understand either, they boggle me.

I have to point out here that I love my family, even my parents. That is a whole other blog or two. Oh my lord, yes. I love my siblings and am getting to know a few of my extended family better. I have so many beautiful nieces, cousins and a few nephews, plus all their kids too. I have my Denny's family of friends that always remain special to me. I have made a few new friends out here in the desert. I have reconnected with so many past friends from school or other places, and made beautiful new ones on all sorts of levels. THAT has been an extra bonus this year. I know I am addicted to them. Setting boundaries for next year is one of my priorities.

“YOU carry the joy and surprise of the season with you, no matter if someone or something else comes along to share it with you.”—Xian Horn

I always have music running through my head, during the holidays this ends up being Christmas carols. It was the Nutcracker Ballet, now it is Winter Wonderland. I know, it can drive me batty. On my final note, I say Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to those who it applies to. I think the term under God should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance and I don't appreciate public prayers unless I am at a church or memorial service. I'd prefer a moment of silence at anytime. I have a lot of people upset about Christ or God being taken out of things. Church and state should be separate, period. If you are a true believer in God and Jesus this will not change as he is in your heart and soul. Would "he" want you to fight and be angry with your neighbors, co-workers, family because they don't believe the way you do?? Think about it.

I had a customer that got offended that I called her honey. I had a check-out lady in a grocery store who always made me uncomfortable with her praise the lord, Jesus loves you etc. I had a dear friend that thought horoscopes and Halloween were works of the devil. I met some Iranian boys one time who, while unfailing polite, thought ALL American woman were whores for being unaccompanied by a male and showing their arms, legs and faces in public. Heavy sigh.

Love you all and thanks for listening..ttyal.

Turn around and face..

I guess I should write this and just get it out. I am tired today. I am tired most days, some is from being anemic and maybe some blood sugar/pressure hormonal crap. Who knows? I am sick of it. I want energy and motivation, aimed with focus, bolstered by fortitude. What the hell, lol... I deserve it.

I don't want to spend another day in the bathroom, but there I am. I feel like shit. No, I haven't been drinking or doing any drugs. I am straight except for the hodgepodge of chemicals the doctors have me on. No, this is because my hernia surgery has failed again. I knew already. The Ob-Gyn  surgeon confirmed it. My intestines are already stuck to the new mesh. Dammit all to hell and back again. The last couple of days have been really bad.

I have so many things that need to be done. Some I really would like to do, others, no. I am trying not to throw up. I feel nauseated as hell and then starving at the same time. I am also sad, depressed, angry..I am so sick of the BS. I did have to laugh though, the doc told me that I had a fibroid(nasty non-cancer growth), endometriosis(when the menstrual cells go outside the uterus), and adenomyosis(menstrual cells grow into the uterine wall) and an ovarian cyst. It is all gone now. I have had very little to no pain, I actually feel better with this. The hard part is adjusting to another new med, I am now on a low-dose estrogen.

The problem is back to the hernia, again. That causes me severe pain. My uncle had 7 hernia repairs. I have had three now. (More swear words) I don't want anymore. My therapy for my neck/shoulder is progressing. I have much more use out of my right arm with less pain. I only wish it was faster.

Am I looking for sympathy/ No, I am just pissed off. I am so angry not only for myself but for all my  family and friends, my girlfriend's daughter right now who has been diagnosed with cancer. I am also sad that I am by myself, for the moment. That I don't have anyone to call up and say "let's go out to lunch, or come  on over and make cookies."

I am not going to talk about the holidays at all right now. I am getting there. My hubby will be home tomorrow, the kids are on break starting today. I am still trying to deal with daily living. It is hard when you can't bend over or pick things up. It is even worse when you can do these things and it just hurts a bit or hurts later. My kids have very little to no sympathy, they are worn out. I have been ill their entire lives.

I laughed when I had my surgery for my carpal tunnel. My company was paying for it on Workman's comp and was not happy about it. I always thought they would send out the P.I. with camera's. See, she is carrying groceries in, and here she is taking garbage out. I did it with a cast on. It was excruciating at times. Why? I didn't have anybody else to do it for me. I had to eat, make it to school, doctors, even work with the cast on.

I am getting over myself now. I have worked too long and hard to give up on myself or my family. I can still laugh, learn, grow and move on. We have a lot of big changes coming up again. Moving to Utah? Braces for Max, my son? Family, marital and individual counselling perhaps? Oh well, this all better than being a stagnant pool of stinky water.

The world, we only occupy such a small fragment of it. My bubble intersects with so many more, I am hoping what I blather does help others. It gives me a release. God has his own plan. I am trying to learn to trust in that and not re-act so blindly to it. I am so not where I need to be yet. To all my friends and family who have been helping me, thank you. I am sorry I am so angry today.

To the people who have hurt me or who I let hurt me, for whatever stupid-ass reason. Thanks for showing me I am human and fallible. I am going to say F you too..which is probably wrong but oh, well. I never claimed to be perfect, sane, or even in control at all times. I am doing way better. I have been embarrassed, hurt, and happy. I am happy that while I have been an idiot at times, I try to tell the truth. I also can remember what I have said for the most part. My promises mean a lot to me. The ones I make to myself and the ones I make to others.

I have got to go now. I have groceries to buy, a kitchen to clean and laundry to do..should go clean up some dog poop while I am at it. (I am laughing at this part, it is funny)

"The first step in the acquisition of wisdom is silence, the second listening, the third memory, the fourth practice, the fifth teaching others." ~Solomon

Shutting up for now, keeping an open mind, trying to remember and do what I have learned so far, and sharing that with others. Beautiful. Thanks for listening as always TTYL.

Hi World..

I took an unintentional break, sorry about that. I wrote two different rough drafts that ended up sounding like each other. For the most part is was about all my medical "shite". Enough of that already for now. I know I am tired of all of it and talking/writing about it hasn't made me feel happier. I am alive! I am way healthier than I was a couple of weeks ago. I am much much better than I was a couple of months back and even more so than I was last year at this time. You could even add in the past couple of years before that. I still miss a smoke every once in a while, less and less though.  I am still so ecstatic that I am an ex-smoker. Woo-hoo! It still shocks me.

Mentally, physically, spiritually..one step at a time. I am not looking for perfection or to hold myself to anyone else's standards. It is what I am comfortable with and then maybe a bit more. What makes it all work for me, the balance I have talked about before. I am at times going to be teetering one way and then tottering back another. My fulcrum is my inner spirit/soul. It is eternal and growing, and is indestructible. It can be changed, of course, but never destroyed.

What does all that mean? It means I am a work in progress. I am getting to where I am supposed to be going. If I want it to be what I want, I am going to have to make goals. Then, decide on my action plans and work on them daily.

I was appalled that almost none of my jeans fit for my trip to Utah. I knew I had gained weight. Which made me angry and depressed. I recently saw a video of myself. O-M-G! No, I am not comfortable with that. So, I have been cleaning up my diet, and walking with the dog every day. I also need to get my bike out again. Little steps, that can lead to big changes. I am adding 2 veggies to every meal, putting in my healthy snacks again and having one fruit a day..plus my leafy greens. I have done this before. This time, I am going to use the hypnotherapy again. It works very well for me. The harder part is getting my family into the plan.

I am not expecting miracles though I have been praying for them. I pray for my friend's daughter who has cancer and another friends husband. I pray for my special baby A girl who is in my heart and her mom and family. I pray for my friends business and welfare. I pray for a couple of other friends who have had surgery. I also add in my extended family and friends. My friend whose Mom is in the hospital. A friend that went to the ER tonight and another friend who went to the ER a few weeks back. I have friends with kids and family who could use some miracles, I could use some of my own.

My immediate family needs work, but I have such high hopes for it. I think we are in for another challenging year. It is okay. We will make it through. I know this. We will grow and be changed. It will hurt and be painful at times, but it is going to be worth it.

I need to go get some sleep. I got a few projects done today. I am hoping to accomplish a few more tomorrow. Thanks for listening. I have missed you all. Really. I will include some pictures, song or video soon or maybe not as I have more than a few quotes that to me all mesh together.

“I believe all joy is an extension of gratitude. If we can find something to be thankful for, no matter what’s going on, no matter how small, we can grasp the coattails of joy.”  

“As long as you make an identity for yourself out of pain, you cannot be free of it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  

scary, isn't it?

"Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, to rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts." ~Salmon Rushdie 

  Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything ~George Bernard Shaw  

  When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place. - Unknown

Laughing out loud, as I do quite a bit, I am still here and ready for a new tomorrow and my next level.

It's Against the Law.

I don't know why I am slipping today? It is a choice. I am tired of being so "frumpy". I want to loosen up, have fun, not have to be the mom or the responsible adult. It is an edge. I know I have played on it before. I wish my body had gotten the same message and could keep up. I am in physical pain, anytime I bend over. Yowza. I am using a pain pill.

That's better. I am letting some of my worries go for now. It feels so good. They will be back to tug at me, for now it is light, innocent, a temporary release. All is good, tranquil. Except for the herd of elephants upstairs? Oops. One second.

It was my daughter dancing in her room and her brother chasing back and forth. Okay. That's cool, it just echoes downstairs. Took the dog and hubby for a walk, it was beautiful out in my desert tonight. 58F, clear and calm with a full luminescent moon. There are very few lights in the complex I live in. You can see stars and hear coyotes, I have even seen owls and bats. I love walking at night, always have.

It is out here that I find my peace. I started this when I was a kid at 13. I mentioned before I would sneak out and walk. Cold, hot snowy, rainy..it didn't matter. The first time I tripped on acid I talked to a tree. I don't know how long we communed, or even what we said..it was a weeping willow. It was so long ago, in a galaxy so far away. LOL, I am not recommending LSD to anyone. What is done, is done. I smile. I always will have a special affinity towards trees.

This is where I point out that I had access to acid and pot before I ever tasted alcohol or coffee. Cigarettes ?, the laws have changed dramatically since I was a kid. I wasn't carded for cigarettes till I was 18-19 and I thought they were joking. Alcohol, I was almost always carded. I had "friends" buy for me. The majority of my friends didn't like to see me wasted. I hung around with a few known "stoners" at school, but didn't party with them.  I don't even think they knew. It was my friends from my neighborhood, or me by myself. I made different combos out of diet pills, Mountain Dew and any type of prescription drugs I could get a hold of.

I still wish we would legalize drugs, especially marijuana. Not that I use any more, but because it was/is so stupid. Anybody that knows a user knows they aren't right in the head. They need help, therapy and drug rehab rather than jail time. I think we will find out that we (the American government in some branch) is actually in cahoots with the major drug cartels. It is all a sad joke, a "drug" war that has used up lives,
money, pain, murder..hell. "Legal marijuana" for cancer patients? I don't understand what the problem is. Cancer sucks, chemotherapy isn't a cure. It is a last ditch effort to poison/radiate the cancer. If pot makes them feel better, helps them with the nausea and pain, then what the hell?

People are going to use whether it is legal or not. Say no? Oh my God! Are you serious? Really?

The point with my diagnosis is that I can addict myself to anything. If I had stayed clean, I would still be having issues now. It doesn't take chemicals to be a using addict. I wish it were that simple. Simple, not easy..there is a big difference.

If I had a "magic" drug to help my daughter with her Asperger's? Hell, yeah I would give it to her. It is heart-breaking to see her suffer. School is a nightmare to her, home has its ups-and-downs. She doesn't have anywhere else. She has one friend her age. One. Her teachers are either fed up with her or so confused by her they don't know what to do. I have to say, I know how they feel. I have had her diagnosis since she was in 2nd grade? I have only talked with one school psychologist with any knowledge of it. Every "specialist" I have found is way out of my price range, doesn't accept my insurance or isn't taking "new" patients. The school? LOLOL..nothing. They ask me what to do with her.

I read and try different things. Sometimes this helps us. Sometimes it makes it worse.

It is a new morning, a new day.."hope springs eternal"

Thanks for listening as always. Love ya! I got to go do some chores.
I also have to add that I like people who are stoned. Most of the time they make me laugh. The sad part is when they are stoned all the time. You don't get to see the real person. Drunks can be fun or annoying or both. Hard-core druggies on meth, crack, heroin are scary and sad. I wouldn't trust them, invite them over or whatever. They need professional help which I am not. i'll chat about this more another time. TTYL.

Once is never enough..

It is already late, I slept for a little bit and then couldn't. My mind is racing over so many things. Christmas, my daughter, my son, my hubby, the puppy. I overdid it a bit today. I went to see my therapist, which went well. I just feel frustrated. Their isn't any easy answers. It is an ongoing daily commitment to stay on track. I know that it is okay to fall off too, or deviate a bit. I just have to keep my focus of what is important to me. A part of me is shocked and dismayed that I want to sabotage my own happiness, life. Another part just nods sadly, another part laughs and say uh-huh, duh.

The overdoing part was more physical, I haven't been in the car that long for awhile. I over ate for lunch, and then took the dog for a walk. I then did coupons and went grocery shopping with my hubby. He did very well until the end. I did put items up on the belt. I also helped throw a few bags in the car. That was more than enough. It isn't painful like last time more of a nauseated cramping. I am feeling much better now that I am chilling.

Tomorrow, I need to get my calendar organized with appointments and concerts and my hubby's schedule. I need to make the puppy an appointment, make an appointment for physical therapy and hmmm..set-up a monitoring system for my kid's homework. S**t, I am going to need a new calendar too. So many things to set-up and do. It still helps so much to have my husband home. It is going to be very difficult when he leaves this time. I am not going to think about that now. I'll cry when I get there.

I have read so many good articles and blogs lately. So much to think about and digest. I have more articles about Asperger's to read. I am trying to do better with my menu. I need to work on improving my kid's diets and work ethics. I also need to find some inexpensive fun, away from the house. So much to do..I don't know. I am NOT stressing. I am just a bit shaky. There is a big difference. My addictions are chilling a bit. Too much pain and sadness down that road. I have decided to not play that game anymore.

Easy to say (laugh here) but it requires concentration and a lot of humor. I have to be able to step back, give myself a pat, kick, hug, smooch, laugh depending on what I have done. I realize not everyone is going to love me or like me even. Hard to believe, right? I have got to LET IT GO. Lies, smoke and desires that wrap up into one big ball of what? Mental anxiety and anguish?? The hard part is realizing I have been enjoying the intensity of the emotions and feeding them into a frenzy. Pain has its own power. I have to say I am done and keep the door shut. There are people who are not good for me.

I would have preferred the truth.

I got to go catch some zz's now and will look this over and publish it in the morning or afternoon. Thanks for listening. TTYAL.

I am adding that I wrote this a couple of days ago. I have been trying to think of some music, pictures, or quote to go with it. I am thinking fire. You only have to get burned once to realize getting burned hurts. Then why do we get burned more than once in our lives? Really? We use fire for its for warmth, comfort, light, necessity at times. I can be a mesmerizing force, we "forget" and get "careless". Pain, physical, emotional, spiritual all wake us up and say hey, what are you doing?

What am I doing? I smile. Getting healthier.

and moving on..jing-a-ling-ling

Some things shouldn't bother me but, they do. Currently, I am still healing. I feel really ok and then move wrong or do something stupid and am reminded that I just had internal organs removed. I have been very very tired and have the worst heartburn in my life. I also can just take a couple of bites of food and that is it. I can't swallow any more. This has happened before. I lost a lot of weight the last time I went through that. Who knows? That would be a bonus.

I know I am a hypochondriac. Really. I do laugh here. I have also have had a lot of things wrong with me, too. The night in the hospital, my blood pressure dropped any time I rolled over and fell asleep. The nurses said it was because the the monitors couldn't get a good reading. They would sit me up, oxygenate me and then get a better reading. I also blew an IV. No surprise there. I am glad the hospital night is over. I have had too many of those. None were fun, or good.

I am still not in a holiday mood. Nope. I can appreciate that other's are. It actually makes me feel better to see them enjoy it. I love Christmas lights, cookies and homemade goodies. I used to go carolling. I was always in some kind of production somewhere. For a few years me and my sister would attempt the Messiah. Beautiful music, I smoked too many years to even attempt it now. When I worked at a coffee shop/bookstore, we got the loan of a baby grand piano. I drove my co-worker's insane by playing the Nutcracker Ballet CD over and over. Way fun!

When I waitressed I started wearing Jingle Bells. It ended up being more for me than others. It is hard to be truly and fully crabby when you jing-a-ling-ling every time you move. That was another one that drove my co-workers nuts, too. I miss them, we worked but had fun. I fought with people too, and I don't know. The work was always there. You had to do what you could to keep going.

I love having Christmas with my kids, at the same time that it makes me nervous and uptight. I am not in a hopeful mood this year. Mark will be back in Utah, and me and the kids? I really don't know. I have a few ideas for presents for the kids and Mark. Me? I don't know what I want. Which means I am probably not going to get it. I have dreams, desires, but so much of it is mixed up and upside down at the present.

I should have called my dad for his 81st birthday yesterday. I talked myself out of it. Not as brave as I like to believe. I shouldn't have sworn and threatened my daughter this morning after repeated attempts to get her out of bed. I lost it. It was very ugly. She went to bed an hour earlier tonight. We shall see tomorrow. I enjoyed the time with my son tonight. He is so scared and is trying not to be. He knows things are right, and is looking for love and security. My husband got drunk and went to bed. That happens every night. I should go put blankets on my plants tonight, my desert is going to freeze.

I need to go to bed. I don't want to. I have been dreaming so much lately. I could remember more of them if I tried to. No. Tonight, I wish I had the power to make dreams come true for other's. Heal the sick..there is a lot of medical issues so many of my friends and families face. There is a certain baby girl, a cousin, a friend's husband, so many friends. To help a couple that have split up, reconcile. I am not going to start bringing back people from the dead, or wishing for it. That is just too creepy. I do wish the ones who grieve, find peace at least for a while. To be able to erase every one's pain for I am not sure how long. It would feel wonderful. I pray instead, knowing I don't have the "magic" or answers. I don't even have the whole picture.

"Fate determines who enters your life, but your actions decides who stay."

That's the truth, I am glad I have you all. It may be just a whimsy of my over active loopy mind, I don't think so though. I feel you all as a warm emotional snuggly blanket. It is exceptional and I am not explaining it as well as I should.  I love it. Thanks for listening..TTYAL.

 I will ask the kids tonight about decorating. We shall see. D**n, now I have Christmas music running through my head.

I am..

Wow, my surgery is done, all over and I have been home for a day and a 1/2 now. I have to say I have had very little to almost no pain, except for a headache. My sinuses are killing me. They keep the air in hospitals dry on purpose. It is supposed to reduce germ growth. Okay, but aargh..

I am done whining on that issue. I can find a few more. Jack is barking loud as my neighbor and my hubby are in the garage. Hush, dog. This is not helping my headache at all. That's better. He is over on my lap now. He is such a ferocious scaredy-cat. lol.

I am tired, have been tired and have been asleep for the last 3 days. My hubby has been awesome. He's been doing laundry non-stop and cleaning. I am going to fall asleep again, in a bit.

I got into a "fight?" the night before my surgery on Facebook. What a troll. She kept attacking me personally, while not supporting anything she was talking about. I HATE fanatics of any kind, smart or dumb. I'd rather talk to a drunk, who is loaded. At least they have a probability of passing out. I finally figured out how to block her. On the plus side, it did help me through the night.

I had another "friend" tell me I was rude. I didn't even know what he was talking about. When I did I was very upset. Now? LOL, no more. Congrats to him, and his family, I am sure I can find friends who actually mean what they say. Wow, already have those. I don't consider myself blameless, for some reason that friend always made me blab. My non-stop messaging and commenting in the past would have driven anyone to retaliate. My apologies? No, I didn't do anything wrong "this time" to say sorry for.

It has been one crazy "effed" up year. I have managed to make it, so far. A couple more weeks to go. I am keeping my thoughts light and easy on this blog today. I will get more serious, deep and moody some other time. I am going back to sleep.

TTYAL, and thanks for reading as always.

To be at peace, your opinion of yourself must outweigh the assumptions of others about who you are. It is a conscious decision that their words no longer have the ability to keep you down. - Dodinsky

yep..lol. G'night.




I have no rights to the above song or lyrics, this blog is not for commercial gain.

You have a right to be here.

I am done. Today has gone from bad to worse. I am not feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I am. I don't know.

On the positive side, my hubby is home. I am alive. I have very dear friends, virtual and real. I have my kids, dog, house. I have so many wonderful things in my life.

Then why am I sitting here crying and typing? I am human, I feel, I hurt. Rejection and abandonment hit me harder than most, according to my old therapist. I try to hide it. Now I blog about it. It shouldn't matter at all. Not one little bit, but it does. Too many wrong things today. I feel like a schmuck.

My surgery is tomorrow morning. There is a part of me that hopes I never wake up. I really do not like who I am sometimes. There is another part of me that is already ruing the pain. It is hard to explain, I have had too many operations already. Recovery and healing hurt in their own unique way.

Another part of me is scared to death, will this really help anything? I don't know. My surgeries have gone  wrong before. Or didn't fix anything. I am also scared that I won't wake up. Who will take care of my kids, my husband, my friends and family, my puppy? I do not want them to grieve, knowing they would.

Writing this is helping. I am feeling more at peace. I can feel the absurdity of my emotional state now. Yes, in other words, I can laugh at myself tripping out. Whew! I am much much better. Thanks to all of you and my "God" too.

I am going to get some sleep now. I have to be up really early. Thanks for listening.

This was a poem I read as a kid, it was set to piano music, my sister didn't like it so she never played it. I always thought of it as the hippy mantra. I thought everyone had read it or heard of it.

Desiderata 
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927

Strive to be happy.

It is a beautiful poem. The last two verses were always my favorite. Last quote..

‎"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." Einstein?

I will still be around to mess things up, it is ok. It is where I am supposed to be.

"Make babies or make art"

We celebrated my son's birthday today, which was good and bad. I wasn't prepared. I have been so tired. I can think of a dozen more excuses. He invited friends over at 12..yikes. I got to meet one of the mother's. Awesome! She stayed with the boys while I went to the store and got pizzas and a card, and a cake, plus a few other things. The boys played videos and a violent game of hide-and seek, some left and came back, others came. We had a bonfire outside and made s'mores. I think everyone kind of burnt out early.

None of the boys stayed for an overnighter, some had a choice. Most didn't. Max had a bit of a meltdown but was then ok. I have to admit I am secretly glad they didn't stay. I am exhausted. I know I would have more energy and feel better if I keep moving. I am not doing very well with that at all. I have been sleeping on-and-off again. I ate a healthy salad yesterday and just about killed everybody with gas attacks today. So embarrassing. No, that isn't why the boys didn't stay. Funny. LOL

I am still feeling the warmth and glow from my last post. So much positivity! I am back down-to-earth more today. My Mom sent me a whole box of hmmm.. some are pictures which I mostly have. Some our paper printed copies, which really don't do me a whole lot of good. The rest was a collection of letters I wrote over a period of about 5 years to friends and pen pals, etc. The rest is a collection of letters I think from my Grandma Swenson. I never met her or my aunt either. I have talked to my cousin on (yes) Facebook. My brother has met her and was very close at one time.

 Our family was always strange, my Dad's mom and him didn't see each other for my entire life, at least. They only talked a couple of times that I knew of. My dad's brother showed up when I was in High school after a fifty year something absence. Both of my grandma's had passed on by then. My uncle and my aunt from my dad's side were next. Both of my grandpa's died before I was born.

I admit I am kind of rambling here. My thoughts seem to be all fragmented and jumbled and I feel very strange. I am straight, but I am not feeling so good. Too much sugar, I don't know. I have made an uneasy peace with certain things, which one friend told me was BS. His words were that you either have peace or you don't. I guess I don't. This is a sad thought. I told him and myself that it was the best I could do, accept it for what it was.

I have found that talking about my struggles out in the open has opened up a lot of people to me. They have shared a little bit of their stories. None of which I have any inclination or permission of repeating here. It is just heart-warming to know that I am not alone with my struggles. Other's face challenges, some  physically obvious..so many that are not. The stigma of mental illness is alive and well. Not too many years back, I could have been lobotomised, or at the very least scorned or locked away. In a few  countries I would or could be stoned to the death. Woman rights? I love America. There is other countries that have done as well or better. We still haven't had a woman president, yet. I have hope, there is so many intelligent and capable ladies out there.

A poem by Robert Zimmerman sung by Bob Dylan

I have no rights to the lyrics or quote..thanks to a friend for posting it.

I have done all of the above at one time or another...it ends well <3 tripping on life.
Thanks for listening, ttyal..levels? see above...

Happy, happy, joy, joy.

I am tired, but I am feeling better than I have in a long while. I keep saying that parts of me keep floating back or resurfacing. Ka-ching! Another piece falls into place. I love Thanksgiving. What's not to love, friends, family and home-made food?  A time to say thanks for what we have, and give of our spirit and love. It conjures up the Norman Rockwell picture of the big turkey and the extended table full of relatives and friends. Just beautiful.

Arizona sun

When you don't have any of that it stings a lot. Trust me. I have been there. I had many times in my life where I preferred working than being at home or church. When I didn't have that excuse, I showed up as wasted as I possibly could, so I didn't have to deal with the reality. My aunts and uncles on my Mom's side threw a wonderful feast. Some of the best food, snacks, desserts I have ever had. It was complete and total  boredom for a shy abused kid from a very strange family. There was a couple of holiday years I spent completely alone. One of my favorite memories was with my two girlfriends,other friends, my hubby and cats. lol. My husband and I started going to his parent's house in Iowa. Wow, pretty good times. What a concept.

I had kids, and then ended up working again for all holidays. It made the celebration difficult sometimes when you are dogged tired, either from a shift that day or the night before. Having kids adds a whole other dimension good and bad. Anybody that has traveled with kids knows what I mean. o-m-g. Then, my husband started being the one working, out of town. I don't think I have celebrated Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving day in years..it ends up being a weekly thing. Which is kind of sweet.

November also cracks me up because it is THAT month. Every family has one. The month when most everyone decided to get married, be born and possibly pass away in. My mom, sister, husband, son, nephews, nieces, friends..lol. It is a trip. I don't even think about Christmas until December. I wish I could say I celebrated all of those birthdays, but no. My son's ended up being the one I need to concentrate on. He turns 12 in a couple of days. Everyone says they grow so fast. Yes, they do.

Mentally, spiritually, emotionally so far it has been lovely. I will have other days that twist me up in knots. which you will get to hear about.  Not today. Today, I am so thankful to be alive, to feel the sunshine. I love my husband and miss him. Grateful for my kids and the stinky puppy on my lap. He has been a total snoozer  all day. I am also thankful for my Facebook family and friends who have helped me all year. I am also thankful to other family and friends dear to my heart. Wow," love, love, love." They had a point. It really does feel good. "all together now..all you need is love"

Smoke-free, drug-free, sober..and in control for the day. I probably should go take a shower. lol. Thanks for listening as always, ttyl. Don't be alone, you aren't, reach out however you can. I say a prayer for you all, that this wonderful warm happiness I am feeling can infuse through everyone else. My level today..thanks to God and all of you.


"Happy, happy, joy, joy" from Disney's The Lion King. "Hakuna Matata for today"

Mirror, mirror..

Why do I blog? I am being very regular at it again. Is this another obsession? Could be. I hate thinking that, but really there is positive addictions in my life also. I am addicted to breathing. LOL I can't seem to help that one. The bonus is I am breathing better now than I have in years and years. I still get weird achy chest pains, but less and less. I can take a full breath now without wheezing, coughing or feeling like I am choking. I am still smoke-free. It still can be a struggle.

This is not the blog where I talk about smoking, another day, another time. I am sure I will get back to it. One of the reasons I gave up pot, finally..I couldn't inhale without coughing uncontrollably. It was beyond embarrassing. The last time I smoked it was a mistake, and I knew it at the time. I was uncomfortable, the people I was with were edgy. It really was a negative experience. I did enjoy the buzz that night..I mixed it with booze too. The next day I was so hung it was beyond belief. ugh.

You would think I would learn. LOL I avoid it, now. I still miss it and it has been years. It was years before that the last time. I hate alcohol. I have talked about that before. I can still be dumb enough to drink it, the bonus now is I can stop. There is always a place inside of me that wants to be numb, spaced out, high or gone. I have met many people over the years..addicts of all stripes and flavors. Some in recovery programs, some not. Some people were functional, it worked for them. Others, no, not even close. Other people did like I did. For whatever reason they stopped using or found something else to replace it with. I saw a lot of religious types, do-gooders, crafters, dare-devils, parents..LOL. etc. Anything can become an addiction.

I admit I am lonely and alone. I can prefer time to myself. In other moments I 'd rather be with folks, having fun, listening, being a friend, acquaintance, co-worker, whichever. Balance? I have been so out of kilter. I spend way way too much time alone. It gets me into trouble. My husband uses beer to self-medicate his loneliness. I keep switching back and forth between one thing and another and another. Whew! So not good.

I knew a lot of this without knowing. I knew without a doubt that I had depression and major depression at that. That is something I have struggled with on and off with all my life and still will be after this blog. I don't want to go back and unlearn anything. I just. I don't know. Self-knowledge can really suck. LOL, really. Holding up the mirror and asking, "what do you see?"

Therapy, I wish it was faster and fool-proof and not as scary as it can be at times. Am I am still wishing for the magic wand or magic person to save me? Crap.

It has been hard hard work to get back to where I am at now. I never got to escape, I never got to run away. It is still circling around inside me. I take it with me where ever I go. The problem is facing it, knowing it and not letting it win or control me. Nope.

Life isn't fair, never has been.. never will be.

I am done whining about my angst today. Another day, another time I can feel sorry for myself. I am looking in the mirror. It is so far from perfect. lol. The fairest? In the fable, it meant beauty. I think everyone has inner and outer beauty. We do "judge" people by appearance. We do. Think of all the people you come into contact with every day. Some days maybe you don't see a soul all day..depending on where you live, work, play. For the most part, I can say you are going to see people. If you had a deep one-on-one meaningful relationship(not sexual) with everyone you met for one day, hmm..how would that make you feel?

 Now what if that happened to all the people you met all week, month, year? You would lose your mind.

It was from the book "Blink" by Malcolm Gladwell or "The Tipping Point" not sure which one. He brings up the fact that to protect ourselves we don't look too closely at strangers. That our mind makes an instant judgement and then moves on. He explained it much better than I can. This is one reason why eye-witness accounts are so messed up. Everybody sees an event from their viewpoint. Police, military and other professions are trained to get past that blankness and remember details. I am absolutely terrible at it.

My hubby is home for a few days. I am tired so I am going to call it a night. I just wonder what you see when you look in the mirror. Is is what you want? Are you okay with it?  What about inside your soul? Does it shine or glow? I don't think I am beautiful, in the physical modern sense of the word. I have come to accept a lot of my physical flaws and be comfortable with who I am. I have gained 10 lbs already by quitting smoking. This really pisses me off. Sorry. Fair? That I am, that is something I work on and try to nurture. I do care about the people I care about. I don't always remember names and faces, but I love the stories, unforgettable. I remember a little old lady telling me she loved my smile. I still smile thinking about it 30 years later.

Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL, I have to get some sleep. No songs, quotes, or pictures today. I may add some later.

"exit Light, enter Night."

Hi. Why am I writing? It isn't as if I don't have things to do. I have lists upon lists. I am not getting very far these past few days. I really have to let the drama in my head out. I am tired of it messing with my daily life plans. Self-medicating..any type of drug and alcohol is never a good idea for me. I know this, have always known this and still can find ways to talk myself into it. Numbing myself out. It doesn't matter what I took or what combo I used. It triggered my migraines.

I have been asleep on-and-off for three days..today is Thursday? ugh. I am still exhausted, the anemia is wiping me out. Yawn. My one girlfriend described her time before her surgery as feeling like you are going to bleed to death. Yep. I am too tired to even worry about it or care. I am going through some motions, but crapola.

I can't even keep up with my FB'ers. LOL, that is bad.

My hubby will be home Monday for four days, then he leaves for four. Thanksgiving I guess we are doing early. Max's birthday (my 11/12 year old son) will be after that. Then my surgery, then recovery, then Christmas. Woo-hoo, so not. I am not bah-humbugging I am just NOT in the mood. I have so many many things I am thankful about. I am just having problems sticking with it. Staying with my reality, instead of zoning out. My reality?? It can be really monotonous, boring, and lonely.

Tomorrow is another day, as always. I will still be here.

I have figured out that my obsession doesn't matter. Finally. It doesn't matter whether somebody likes or loves me. I have plenty who do. The ones who don't had their chance, and didn't want it. I am finally getting some distance from it. I don't even have to feel sorry or mad. It is just done. Whatever.

Their are people who don't like me, some who hate me or did. Some folks, plenty of folks have never met me. It is ok. I am not worried about it any more.

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ― Mother Teresa

I am nowhere close to where she was at, but this quote gives me hope and peace. Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL.

The title is from a song from Metallica, I own no rights to the song or lyrics.

 I am probably the only person who would include Metallica and Mother Teresa into the same blog, but be that as it may, it is about singing your own tune...and not worrying about what others think about it it..it is YOUR life. My life is going back to sleep for now and smiling at a puppy who yips in his sleep.

How Long Has This Been Going On?

Today is my wedding anniversary, yesterday was my hubbies birthday. I wish he could have been home for either or both. Nope, he has another 6 or so more days. Not fun. I did talk to him quite a bit today, on Facebook and on the phone. He is bored, I am sad. Somehow, this will all work out.

This past weekend opened my eyes to a few things. I was still obsessing about my "friend". Done, for good now, I hope. I wish them the best, can't and won't get sucked up into THAT mess any more. My nerves and emotions are still a bit raw. I exposed myself, not too surprising. I get hung up on stupidity every once in awhile. I have done this to different degrees before. I have also managed to shut the door and walk on too. Bye.

I keep saying that I keep getting bits of myself back. Yes, hard to explain, but it feels right. One more layer of maturity back on, or in place again. My kids and I still have a long way to go. I AM still addicted to Facebook. I am doing better, but have more work to do. My kids are also addicted to their various electronic games. Whew! One step at a time. I did better nutritionally today. I also did my physical therapy and went for a walk with the dog. It really made me feel a whole lot better.

Jack, my puppy has been my companion today. He has been nutty, sleepy, naughty and adorable. Right now he is crashed next to me. He always makes noises in his sleep. Sometimes he is nursing, so cute...other times he is having nightmares. What do dogs dream about? My dad always said they were chasing rabbits in their sleep. Jack has never seen a rabbit or a squirrel, yet. He chases lizards, crickets and birds. Ok, he eats the crickets..lol.

Dreaming, I read a whole blog about it. Everybody dreams, they have proven that or you would go psychotic. Some people remember their dreams vividly, others don't at all or rarely. I try not too..prefer not too. I daydream constantly, and have day-mares too. I find that easier than remembering my night dreams. Even good ones bother me. My dreams are incredibly weird. I suppose that isn't too surprising. I have had nightmares were I wake up shaking and crying and don't remember why. My hubby is good with that. He holds me, even when he isn't awake.

I had a dream in college where everything was in text..lol. I had gone through a radical adjustment from my boyfriend's apartment to life at BYU. I read through my collection of books, around the clock. Not too surprising then.

I am not always myself in my dreams, or even female..or always human either. LOL, I told you they are weird. My scary ones lately involve driving up and up and then going down and down. I am phobic about driving over bridges, overpasses and up/down/around mountain roads in real life. It is bad. It drives my hubby crazy, me too. It is irrational, I know it. I feel it, but I can't stop being scared or shaking. The dreams..ugh.

I had 2 dreams I remember as a kid. They are still imprinted on my inner consciousness. I'll talk about them some other time I am too tired tonight. My period is still 24/7 with various degrees of flow. I have multiple enormous clots..eww. I know. Sorry. This morning I woke up in a pool of blood. I was scared about my upcoming hysterectomy, not so much any more. Too not have to deal with this crap, wow!

That is why my hubby is working so may days in a row, so he can be here for my surgery and our son's birthday. He will be working through Christmas too. I think. I have been married to him for 14 years and lived with him for 8 years before that. For 22 years he has been my one and only. He saved my life and balances me still. We do have a lot of things to work through. I know! I still love him, though, and know he loves me. I still find that amazing.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.


I don't know where the quote or pic came from..they are not my property and I do not make money from posting them..if they are yours, please let me know.

the answer is no.(You are kidding, right?)

As an addict, my mind continually looks for ways around things. I have mentioned before that addicts don't think that "normal" rules apply to them or consequences. When bad things happen we think it is because we are cursed. No, we know we are cursed and nobody understands. We also won't or don't take no as an answer. LOL, or own minds just won't accept reality, so we change it, or try to. It has worked before, and when it hasn't, (see above) we were cursed or missed something or didn't know or..it is never really our fault. Until the day or moment we decide everything wrong in our life and the universe is our fault. Those times suck. Neither scenario is really real.

I have been trying to figure out the "why?" of how my mind and everyone else's works since I can remember. I am figuring out now, finally that I may just never really know. It still fascinates me though. Children of addicts and abuser's (the 2 can go hand in hand..) develop an extra awareness that "normal" kids don't have. We can act on cue, we were used to playing certain roles at home. I had to laugh when I first started waitressing. This is what I had been doing all my life. I was the one responsible at dinner( and other meals during weekends or holidays) for making sure everything was on the table before we all sat down. We all cooked, and we were all hypercritical of whoever had cooked something. Total bare honesty, it didn't matter, we still had to eat it and all that we were served. Of course, if we complained too much, we got an extra helping.

The only rule for not eating something was if my dad decided something was burnt or spoiled. He sometimes had a temper tantrum and knocked everything on the floor. But, he usually waited until we were almost done. I think he enjoyed putting down my mom's cooking more, making fun of her weight or ours. Actually, just being a complete and total a-hole. We got whacked with forks, spoons, and had food thrown at us. We ate food with mold, with bugs, and were punished if we threw up. I hated eggs, cooked any kind of way, lima beans, liver, and mushrooms. I wasn't thrilled about milk, either. We had to drink a glass. You could not leave anything on your plate or be wasteful. Other times, as a punishment everybody got to eat and you didn't.

I don't force my kids to eat anything. I admit I did go too far the other way. My son is the pickiest eater ever. My daughter has her Asperger's rear up while she is eating. She eats like my brother did..*sigh. It drove me nuts when I was a kid, it still does now. I am not going to go into detail.

Why am I writing about all this? I don't know. It was what it was. I hate that I am still reacting in ways to things that happened when I was a kid. I, at first,was always the pleaser. I tried to have everything perfect, be perfect, so my dad wouldn't get mad or mean, and would love me. It wasn't possible and it took me, and is still taking me a lot of time to figure out it wasn't my fault. It never was. The pain and sadness remain. That my Dad had so many issues and still does, oh well. It isn't my problem any more. That I have issues with different things..I talk to my therapist. I talk with my friends, and my frenemies. The people that don't "like" me are usually the most honest. It is painful, but true.

It always seems to me that I should have different rules. It isn't right, but a lot of the times I really don't care. Other times I look at myself and really say, what the hell are you doing? I have had to impose my own limits on things over the years. When I go overboard, which ends up sooner or later. I make up my own rules of how I try to control myself. Do I break my own rules? Well, yeah. lol. It depends on what it is. I learned to never say never, every time I did say that, for sure, without a doubt. Never, ever..I ended up doing it, somehow. Of course, this gave or gives me ammunition later. To berate yourself with.

Why? LOL, I am still working on that one. I keep taking steps toward better mental health. I slip, fall, every day is a different challenge. That's life. I think I am on the right track at the present. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Peace is attainable and I can be in control and not at the mercy of my desires and addictions. Woo-hoo!

I got to go get some rest, now. It is late. This is one of the times I miss a cigarette. The last one before bed. It's ok. I have some celery and am going to go outside and meditate, look at the stars and then go to sleep. TTYAL,  thanks for listening.

dawn, another day, another gift

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do."-Dale Carnegie

 ‎"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

I don't know why those two quotes, but they are both saying something to me on different levels. G'nite!

Blah, blah, blah..

Back home, didn't realize how much I missed it till I was gone. The temperature here dropped while we were away. I actually wore long pants and a sweatshirt. I have plenty of things to do, just getting around to them slowly. I have been on Facebook almost all day yesterday and today. I don't like the new side ticker. It annoys me. Oh well, it is still free. It is nice to catch up with folks again.

I found it so strange that while I was in Utah, I really didn't have the compulsion to check it. I was in the moment with my kids and hubby for the most part. We had a really good time.  I am so smiling. Not everything was perfect, I packed too much as usual..lol. The kids did get whiny and bored at times. We spent way too much money, that we really don't have. *Sigh, credit cards.. I figured out I hate airports, security and flying. It stresses me out. Still beats driving though. Despite all that we all had fun...it made me appreciate my family again. I do love them all.

My kids have been beyond surly since coming home. They are not happy being back in Arizona, being with me or going to school. I can't say I am liking them all that much either. Ugh. Jack, the puppy has been in major sleepy mode. I don't think he's sick, just worn out. My neighbor had her new dog Maverick over while we were gone and Jack and him played. She said they ran around so much it was wild. He went crazy when we first came in. He was literally crying, leaping, shaking, and wagging. He has taken over my lap just about any chance he can get now. I missed him too. When a dog cries and tries to jump in your arms..wow. My little black puppy, I do love him. Even though he still does stink.

The kids get upset that he loves me the most. He was supposed to be Renee's dog. She didn't take care of him. So, I did. She accuses me every once in a while for stealing her dog. Yeah, I did. He does love her too. She gets goofy with him, though..hard to explain. Some good, some bad. Max, my son drives me nuts with him. He constantly picks him up and makes Jack growl. Jack loves him too, but will hide from Max, too. I can't blame him for that. I wish I could  hide away at times too. I do growl at times. LOL.

Utah, at the hotel..the pic is from 2010, hasn't changed.

What is the point to all this chit-chat today? I don't know. I am feeling lonely and not depressed so much, but not happy either. I have very mixed emotions about moving. Utah is one of the last places I would have considered moving too. I have lived there before in Provo/Orem. Yes, I went to BYU for one term and then got kicked out, for past "sins" before I ever arrived. Oh, and telling the truth. What a crock of shite, that was. I did have beautiful roomies though. Some of the sweetest girls I have ever met. I apologize to all the roomies I had after that, in Utah and at DeVry. I was a bitch, a thief, liar..addict, user..you name it. Some of my roomies were too. Others were really sweet and didn't deserve the shit they put up with. Sorry.

Choices, we all have choices. At least I have, for the most part. BYU was one..moving back to Utah is going to be another. I have managed to avoid Mormons for the most part, except for here in Queen creek. It is a very large Mormon area. Most of them are sweet, but it makes me uncomfortable. Church people of any type do after awhile. It isn't them, it is me. Bad memories, and dealing with emotions and troubles...I believe in God. I have discussed that before. I also respect others right to worship however they want. The sad part is that it isn't the other way around too often. They don't know how (hmmm? I can't think of the right word) they can be.

Plus, there is snow and cold. I don't know if that beats hell heat, sun and dust. Right now, I am waiting to see how much money the hubby says we have. We or I may go out for dinner anyway. I need to get out. The kids are going to be home soon. I wish my happy pills had made me happier today. Nope. Taking a shower would be a step towards getting motivated. I dusted the whole downstairs..whoop! I just wish for more/less today. I am thankful for being alive. I am also very thankful I don't have snow. Most of my Mid-west and Northern friends/readers will cuss here.

I feel right now this should be the scene where something dramatic happens. I would have somebody shaking me...WAKE-UP! SNAP OUT OF IT! or a plane would crash land on my house or something would blow-up. It isn't happening and I don't want that happening. But, I really would like something besides what I have. The real life part of that is I am going to have to get up and go get it myself. Not a plane crash, but something accomplished. Okay, enough for today. Thanks for listening to my blahs. I really hope your levels are higher than mine today, or at least not as dim.

"Sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people."

True..TTYAL..have a great day/week. It helps me to know you are all out there. It makes me feel less of a whatever, sort of mumbling to myself..HATE that, so thank you, truly. You make me smile inside and outside. I prefer that feeling to just about anything.

You can't see mountains at night, huh.

My family is all asleep. I am downstairs blogging in the lobby of a hotel in Utah. There is snow outside and the temperature has fallen below freezing. It is a big change-up from my desert in Southern Arizona. I am happy to be here. Wow! You can feel stressed and know it, but when it lifts? I feel almost dizzy, a different person. I have been very mellow and kind of dreamy. I love not being the person in charge, sometimes.

I have my kids 24/7 and that doesn't end when they are somewhere else or someone is taking care of them. My husband, being gone so much, has to reconnect. I don't get very many opportunities to just disengage a bit.. Whew!

It is different looking at my life today, compared to even a week ago, let alone a year or a few more. Self-knowledge can be a very dangerous thing. I have come so far so fast this past year. I know there are so many challenges ahead for me and my little family. My upcoming surgery, birthday's, holidays, therapy, and using what I have learned so far and applying it. My husband is an alcoholic, he refuses to admit that to himself. I am an addict, also. I so understand that denial. I have found different ways to "use" that don't require chemicals. Yes, he knows that I think he is an alcoholic. He also knows that I post about it.

I am still smoke-free. I crave them at times, though less often now. Sometimes cigarette smoke from others smells super-sweet to me. Other times, it reeks. Bad. My super skill of hyper-smell has become even more problematic. Most food doesn't taste that great too me. The food that does, tastes incredible. Mostly foods with a ton of fat or sugar. I have been over-eating. OMG, none of my pants fit for this trip. Not good at all, I am supposed to be losing weight..not the other way around. Aargh.

The kids are loving it here. Renee, my daughter, has especially missed snow. I can say without a doubt that I have not. I have missed Fall, seeing the trees here made me realize how much. The mountains here are beautiful. They bug me a bit. I mean, they are always there. I can't explain it. lol.. I am such a Midwesterner.

The one thing about mountains, you can't see them at night. Weird, they are still there and you know it but, you don't see them at all. My life, my levels, my problems past, present and future. They remind me of the mountains, unbelievably huge and all around. Tonight it is dark, so I don't have to face them. I am not hiding from the facts. I am just taking a natural break. I will see and deal with what I have too when the morning comes. If I want out of the darkness and to get anywhere. I am still here, now. I have been given that chance.

Thanks for listening as always..TTYL.

Changed My Song..

I should be asleep, but I can't. I know this. Too much caffeine and candy, for one. It was Halloween, I sat outside in my warm desert and handed out candy to the hordes. It was fun, I like to see the costumes and the people young, old, and in-between. I only got to trick-or -treat once when I was a kid. It was rushed and confusing, I was at my Aunt Char's for some reason I had a store-bought costume pulled over my head and was handed a bucket and went along with all the others. It was cold, and rainy and my cousins didn't like me very much. I don't even know if I got to eat the candy. My dad was so totally against Halloween.

We still handed out treats. My mom had penny jars, the little kids weren't so bad they thought it was cool. The other kids knew how lame it was. Halloween was serious business back then, if you didn't hand out something you got tricked. I guess my dad found it easier to go along with it then clean up the messes.

I didn't get trick-or-treaters when I lived in apartments. In WI, we lived on a strange one block street, one year I only had 3 kids total stop by. In AZ, it is fun, I go through massive amounts of candy. It amuses me.

Max went out with his friends for a little and then came back and helped hand out candy. It was way cool. Renee got stood up by a friend and decided not to go, she was so totally bummed. I felt so bad for her. A true compliment from a very dear old friend turned her around. She played me music and we actually talked.  I wish this happened more often. They have school tomorrow, I have so many things to do to get ready for our Salt Lake city trip. Aaargh..lol. I'll get there.

I wrote a whole other blog to a friend I can't talk to. I wish I could, I miss him. I am also so mad, and angry at him too. Thanks, I am F.I.N.E just fine. LOLOL..you don't have a clue, brother. I thought you did. I have been wrong before, hopefully I can learn from this and move on. It has been very bad. Not your fault, just the way it is. ick and ugh..I am praying for you as always for you and yours and for me too.

I have a couple other friends who I am now worried about, unhealthy choices. I pray for them, I can't change them or fix them. They are who they are. There is help available. My particular afflictions are a bit more messy and complicated. I know there is other's like me..I have met quite a few of them. I help them as much as I can, it helps them. It helps me. Maybe it is a karma thing, lol. I still wish..

I keep going, it is what I do. The next step, moving on..learning, growing.

God has plans for me, I think I disagree with them so far, lol. It has become an impasse. This is not the first time and will not be the last time we are at odds. Free will, sorry..it is what it is, my choice, my life. I think I will find out this is the way it was supposed to be, perhaps.

It could be so much easier.

It could be way worse.

No insightful wisdom just tired, but thanks for listening readers, Thanks for inspiring me to do better. Smoke free. wow.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow..other way around for my friends across the world. Feeling emotional connections, it is like a recharge to my soul. G'night and God bless.

I own no rights to the music or lyrics of the video I included, that is the property of Aerosmith.