"I'm not Angry, I'm just.."

I need a new life..or to improve the one I have.

This past couple of weeks has been full of disasters. The bombing at the Boston marathon, the explosion in West Texas, the flooding, rain and snow in the Mid-West, and the earthquake in China. There is a few other ones that I didn't mention or don't know about. The deaths, maimings, damage makes me sad, whether manmade or a natural occurrence.

There was a book I read once where the main character has had horribly tragic things happen, and is upset to realize that the sun still rises. That while her entire life has been forever altered, the world still goes on. It does.

For me, I feel like a schmuck. I have so many resources and opportunities available to me. I don't use the majority of any of them but instead moan about boredom, housework, kids, marriage. It seems all so trivial, but this is my life. The life I made through the choices I made and still keep making.

Most of life really isn't all that exciting.

Or at least mine isn't. I am laughing here a bit. I tend to find myself amusing. My son points out that I laugh at things all the time that aren't funny. I retort with the fact that it all depends on how you look at it.

I am still bored. Sorry.

I am having up and downs with my new eating patterns, the no-gluten rule is very difficult. I miss my fluffy white carbohydrates. I love cake, pie, bread, rolls, cookies, muffins, and chocolate. Not having my soda and drinking water instead, okay. I crave it at times, but *sigh. It isn't good for me.

I broke out in this horribly itchy rash all over my chin and going down my neck. I actually went to a doctor to try to figure out what it was. No luck on a diagnosis, but the medicated creme worked, so wahoo! The doctor telling me that the best solution to my overly-sensitive skin was to move back to Sweden or Europe where the bulk of my ancestors come from? Okay, hah-hah funny, but really not so helpful.

Levels..hmm. I have managed not to strangle either of my children or shoot anyone.(This is a joke, kind of.) I haven't bombed anyone either. Why? Why would you want to do that? It makes absolutely no freaking sense to me.

I have hated people, but wow. Or maybe it isn't hate but an indifference. To intentionally try to harm folks that you don't even know seems pointless. To cause fear? I think all terrorists, hmm.. no. I don't want to know the answer to that.

Spring started happening here and then took a backslide. It is back on track now, so I am planting again. It is so nice to have a garden. I love flowers of all kinds, and fresh grown fruits and vegetables are unsurpassed. I am not a great gardener. I tend to just plant, water, pray, fertilize and hope. It always seem like a small miracle when the plants actually do grow and thrive. I try very hard to not take it personally when they don't.

I have steps to take, and every day I try to keep "doing" towards my goals. Some days are phenomenal, others are ..not so much. My life, my choices, it isn't so bad after all.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. I still don't understand why I enjoy writing these, but I am glad that I do have an audience. I'll try to post a song and upload a picture. I pray that you all have at least one beautiful day, it doesn't really change anything. It changes everything.

 This is Second Chance by Shinedown, I am sure I have played it before, it is one of those forever songs that resonates with me. I don't have any ownership rights or any permissions to use the music or lyrics, so they will probably block it.

TTYAL.

Spring has ..

My kids are on Easter break, or Spring break whatever you want to call it. It is one of my least favorite holidays. The only really good part of it is chocolate, which I have to be very careful about. I used to hate eggs, cooked any kind of way. My sister would always insist on dying some. I would then be forced into eating them at some point.
Hard-boiled is still not my favorite.

We never ever got an Easter basket full of anything that I can remember. We always spent that Sunday at church and then would go to one of my aunt's house. This was always extremely boring for a kid. My relatives were sweet, but thought all of us were strange. Which we were, we didn't actually fit in anywhere. Since it was a Sabbath day even if the weather was nice we weren't allowed to go play. We were dressed in our church clothes, mostly all we did was watch the tv and eat. My cousins always had on Moses and the Ten Commandments with Yul Bryner. I never understood why really. We also took any chocolate we could find out of our cousin's baskets which I am sure now they weren't probably too happy about.

I spent Easter this year with friends, most of whom I have just recently met. It was sweet. One of the ladies had invested in colored plastic eggs and candy and had made up almost 200 eggs. All of the adults went around outside hiding them and then the three kids went to go search. It was fun. We had great food, friends, family, games and laughter. I think this is how every holiday should be.

tree buds..Spring!

My kids go back to school tomorrow which I am grateful for. I have been on a very thin edge of frustration lately. I was watching a tv show for about a month, maybe. I was streaming it from Netflix which drove my family nuts as I was using the majority of the bandwidth. Ha! I realize it is an addictive obsession, as I watched episode after episode with no breaks or ads. It is a way for me to be here but not. It is also much easier on your liver and doesn't add calories.

The problem is the same as any addiction. It takes over everything else. I neglect any chores to the barest minimum, don't sleep much and don't exercise. I also get "tetchy" when interrupted.

I have been doing so well with my food choices, until I got the results back from my recent labs. My blood sugar is still running way too high on average. This put me into an unintentional slump. I ate chocolate and had wheat(pancakes) and haven't tested since then. I know. I know. I will get back to it.

I haven't mentioned levels in quite a while. For the most part since I really haven't been actively doing anything really positive or life-affirming. I have been wallowing a bit, and I know it. Blah.

"Forgiveness" the concept, keeps popping up in all sorts of places over and over. I get it Karma fairy! I need to let go of perceived wrongs against myself and of those I feel I rendered to others. I need to give myself a break and let myself off the hook. It is okay that I have made mistakes and screwed up. It is also okay that I will keep on making mistakes and screwing up, I am human. I am just striving to make better choices for me, and not repeat the same errors.

Thanks for listening I will ttyal. I am including the song from the tv show I was watching. Love this song now...I had never seen the show before.


I guess the song doesn't show where Youtube doesn't let it. That's fine, I don't have permission to use it. The song is 'Empire of my Mind" by the Wallflowers and the show was The Guardian.

I'm Not Missing You At All..

I was beginning to think I should end this blog. It is difficult to not be able to write whatever I want too. There are still too many folks, past and present that some of my stories could hurt. The truth of it doesn't matter, and whether I tread lightly or blunder through, it isn't right. I am including a quote I found on the internet today. It is beautiful and so appropriate.

Since the last time I have written I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. This is not a big surprise as the majority of my immediate relatives all have this as well. This has required diet changes and exercise, blood sugar testing, and more prescriptions to help out my liver, and cholesterol levels. I am also supposed to go back for another study test for sleep apnea.

I had dental work done, another pulled back molar and a root canal. My dental insurance is maxed out now for the year. The sleep study is going to be about another $200. I am supposed to schedule a mammogram, and a diabetic eye exam. I still need to take my kids to the eye doctors and all of us could use the help of a dermatologist. My son also needs an orthodontist and a haircut. My husbands last raise did not offset the higher taxes being taken from his check.

We are going to have to start budgeting better and and controlling our impulse buys. Neither me or my hubby are extravagant, I buy almost everything I can with a discount, coupon or rebate. I have no problem accepting or buying secondhand items. Just eliminating soda has helped quite a bit. I have also been trying to cut down on dining out and have been experimenting with different recipes and cooking at home.

Shazbot. LOL. One fire gets put out and a whole 'nother batch starts right up. I did the sleep study, I thought it cost $195. That was our amount after insurance, too bad  my personal deductible is a $1000. The test cost about $850 more, which will fulfill my deductible for this year. They want me to do another test. Um, no..no, and no..If I had known how much it was actually going to cost, I would never have done the sleep study.

All the study told me so far is that I am not sleeping well. Duh, I already knew that. Though since eliminating wheat gluten, my snoring has diminished (according to my hubby). That was my idea, not the doctors or anyone else. It really has helped with my new eating plan, the only time I have gotten one of my migraines has been when I slipped up and ate wheat.

I have already lost almost 17 lbs..woot! I am still trying to up my exercise level. Ugh.

 I have been trying to focus on the here and now, and keeping on task. It has been difficult as my mind and thinking processes seem really fuzzy. I am on so many prescription drugs it is insane.

I do have to say that Jack, my not-so-evil-dog has been a lifesaver. I have to attend to his needs and in that sense take care of myself and my family. He also gives back so much in love and personality. He is my "forever" puppy.

My son has grown so much, and much like his voice, he goes back and forth between his new "teen" status and being younger and still needing hugs and reassurance. My daughter is more difficult as she continues to draw further and further away from reality. She starts next year in high school in the Autism program there. I am crossing my fingers and praying. It is hard to get her to connect with anything. I understand better the frustration my parents and sister had with me when I was a teen. It is so heartbreaking to watch her not reaching the potential she could be.

I console myself with the thought that it is "her" life as she likes to remind me. I can't force her to change into anything. I do expect a civil mouth and daily hygiene, we are working through that now. There are times she amazes and soars. At other times we crash and burn.

I am not sure how much I will be writing or how often. I am not always sure if this is helping me or an excuse to ramble on, or a bit of both. One step at a time, one day at a time, thank you for listening and for letting me connect. I hope to talk to you all again soon.

to the sea..

It is late, as usual. I am kind of tired, but not sleepy. I will regret staying up in the morning. I haven't written as I was in a very serious slump the past few months. I have made it through the other side, again. I'd laugh but it isn't really fun at all. I know my thinking is negative and wrong, but that doesn't stop me.

I am learning, slowly.

I miss my friends from Arizona, Illinois, Wisconsin. Quite a few have moved elsewhere since I knew them, some have not. Some of them I talk to on Facebook, some of them aren't on much or not at all. There are others who were very near and dear to me and they are gone. I have no idea where they may be. I still miss them.

I have made a few new friends here, just not ones I see on a regular basis. My son has made a few friends, my daughter not at all. My hubby has a lot of work buddies. This makes me happy for him. He needs that as he still works too much, though it has calmed down a little. He actually has been getting more than 1 day off. Crazy.

There is also the friends I have made on facebook. Some I knew before, others not at all. I am lonely right now, but not alone. I have been forcing myself to leave the house, lately. I feel like a balloon filled with too much water. I get sad, I eat. When I am happy, I eat. When I am sick, not at all. It is kind of bad to wish to be sick so as to lose weight.

I realized that I have lived a great majority of my life from one cigarette to another. The crushing need and panic are gone. There is just a whimsical longing at times. I have a lot of catching up on things tomorrow. Good night my friends who are reading this, and even to the ones who aren't. You are a part of me, always. Thank you.

TTYAL.

this song is stuck in my head..