Just Around the Corner.

I am not sure what to write about today as I really haven't  done much.  I haven't been feeling very good. I gave up entirely on the iron tablets, again. Whew, not good. I am really hoping this is what is going through my system. I, blah..have been napping-on-and-off all day. I get hungry, but then am nauseated when I eat anything. Nothing really tastes good. I threw up the night before last. My stomach hurts. I keep getting stomach acid with the taste of blood in my mouth. Yum. I keep going hot/cold and back again and then visiting the restroom. The black diarrhea is a sign of internal bleeding somewhere or too much iron. The ribbons(tmi?) are a sign of intestinal blockage somewhere, great. *sigh.

I'd say all of this is unusual, but it isn't. I feel "shitty" most of the time. I don't talk about it much any more. I was hoping this last surgery would fix it?? Guess not. Yes, I am being a big weenie-whiner today. I am laughing. It doesn't help to be sad about it really. It is what it is. I also, have NOT been eating healthy at all or exercising. This..is one of my normals, the bad side of normal. Whatever, at least my period finally stopped again. Woo-hoo! Yes, you did want to know that. Sorry.

Have I disgusted everybody yet? There is so many folks out there with one thing or another.. or more. I really try not to dwell on it too much. I would like to be physically fit and thinner, healthy. One step at a time I guess. Not having heel spurs would make it easier. I have so little faith left in the medical world. I have been hoping for more from the mental side too. I am better but...crap.

I am going to go to sleep again very soon. I will probably wake up in a few hours. I will maybe write some more then. My kids DON'T have school Monday. Aaargh, they have been off a whole week already. It wasn't that bad because my hubby was here for part of it. I hate being so broke, though. It costs to go anywhere. It is still in the upper 90's outside during the day. The temperature drops at night, so now my pool is freezing cold. Yes, I am an Arizona wimp now.

I am tired of wishing for things. Wishing doesn't help at all, just reinforces all the things I don't have. There is no magic wand or silver bullet that solves anything. I can go try to hide back in my 'book' world or hit up on booze, sex and drugs. I find that all very unappealing at the moment. I am still mucking around in my Facebook life. I have more friends that I have shared with. So much, my peeps are awesome.

 I do miss my friend, though..still. Shite, and know that is just bizarre thinking on my part. I know, give it a rest already. D**n-it, though. People shouldn't promise what they can't deliver. I would say more, but no. I have to be done for my own sanity. It still makes no sense to me. I can feel the compulsion, the obsession and don't understand why. I also know it isn't mutual at all and that hurts me. It pisses me off, too. WTH..I acted so totally moronic, and feel like a bimbette.

I had another friend drop out of FB entirely. I enjoyed talking to him for a bit, but whatever. Another sex talker, though a bit smoother than most.You know you are the same as me, right? I doubt he is reading this, if you are I'll say what my friend told me, "get help, you really need it!" I am trying, myself.  I need to grow up and move on and keep an eye on my own mess. My kids are tripping now..aargh. I can hear them yelling at each other. I HATE always being the parent. I know I have said that before.

Wow, I didn't even realize how bad a mood I was in. I guess this is one way of getting it out. I swore at my daughter earlier and then apologized. She was nicer about it than I would have been. Awh, gheeze..I'll try to go get some rest and stop kicking myself. I have a song stuck in my head but can't get to the lyrics.

The puppy is snoring, lolol..

I do have other news that I am not ready to share yet. We shall see. I am trying to be objective and keep an open mind. I think the biggest problem is now I have to readjust my thinking, again. Yes, this is my blatant attempt at hooking you all to come back and read some more. I don't make any money off this, I just enjoy writing it. I like getting all this junk out of my head. It does calm me. Takes me to a different level..really. Thanks for reading, hope it helps you somehow. TTYAL.



"Just around the corner, right after the bend..another world is waiting. The one you need to be in, a trip, an adventure, you really can't imagine..until you walk around the corner, you will never ever know." me

don't forget to breathe..

"It is just another day..another day in paradise?" not quite. It isn't complete hell either. I just really am not excited about Sundays. Never ever liked them as a kid.  I worked most of them as an adult. Now, they just seem like a big, pointless nap day where stores close at weird hours and you have to watch what roads you take at what hours. You don't want to get stuck behind the "faithful" all leaving at the same time. When school starts for my kids, it is the night "BEFORE". Their stuff has to be ready for the next day.

I have quit smoking?  I HAVE QUIT SMOKING! It has been since last Tuesday. Yes, I did have a personal session with a hypnotherapist. This has not been a magical cure, more of an exercise of despair. Mornings are very hard, I can't seem to wake-up yet. Shazbot! I have different breathing techniques and I chew on a lot of straws. I also have a list of my top ten reasons to quit smoking. For anyone who knows me or has known me.. I have been at the minimum a 2 pack a day smoker since I was 13. My kids are very excited and helpful with this. You got to love them. They also have a visualization exercise they do with me. I suppose I will get over feeling so dizzy and tired. I hope soon.

I also hope to get the results of my blood work and pee test back this week. I want to just schedule the hernia surgery as soon as possible and get it over with. I am so tired of the back and forth. Hurry up and wait and all the lovely bills that have been arriving. Aaarrgh. If these last medical tests haven't shined some light on my "medical mystery Zebra status" I am done. I can't afford to invest any more money, time, or effort. It will be just time to deal with what is.

Abby update..I guess she is home and doing very well with her feeding tube. I have since heard she is a little over 2 months old and originally had less than a 25% chance of living when she was born. Go baby girl, my heart just smiles thinking of her.

Okay, I know I haven't written much, but I am exhausted. It has been a very rough week for me in more ways than one.
MY TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A NON-SMOKER:

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)
2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.
3. Breathe
4. Feel better
5. Smell better
6. Have control
7. Stay alive longer
8. Make me happy to succeed.
9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy
10. I said I would, somehow.

I did cheat this morning and had a drag from an e-cigarette. It isn't the end of the world but back to pretzels and straws. Good luck and TTYAL..got to go.

I'll get some energy soon and write some more..yawn! love ya!

Next Level-Next Step.

I am not sure how coherent I will be today, my mind is a messy jumble of I don't knows, what ifs and how abouts. It was a glorious two weeks with my hubby home. He left yesterday to go back to work. I know he will only be gone 4 days this time. Awhh, crap..I miss him. Both my kids and Jack, the black puppy miss him too. Some of this is his effect on me, he gives me a very necessary balance. My daughter sighed, "Dad's leaving? That means you will get mean, bossy, and sad." I told her I have been working on it...that is what my therapy is for. She informed me that I am doing better but, need to "up" my sessions. Thanks, Renee, I am laughing here. She keeps it real.

Jack is doing good. He still is a troublemaker, as always, but he manages to be so cute about it. He just brought his water bowl from outside. It was empty, as was the one inside as well. I refilled both, and he took a small drink, gave me a sniff and has laid back down again. If reincarnation is true, I really want to come back as a dog or a cat, with nice owners. I think their life would be so blissful and easier. I tortured Jack last night with a bath. He is so soft and smelling sweet. He is NOT going to be happy with his flea preventative, today. He is smart and runs away every time he sees it.


That Jack heals old wounds for me doesn't phase him at all. He's a dog, he lives and loves. I do wish he was a bit more of a mutt, I think that would have made him a bit less high-strung. My kids love, curse, play and ignore him. He can get mean and crazy. Renee has accused me of stealing him from her. Yeah, in a way she's right. They go hide and play their e-games and I was left to "deal" with him. I am his favorite, except.. Mark the hubby plays with him the best, they play their version of fetch and a few other games. Jack kisses up to him quite a bit. My girlfriend who will be coming to visit next weekend shamelessly spoils him by sneaking him food. He follows her everywhere. What a traitor. Yes, both of them.

I saw my GP today. Whew! The good news is my blood pressure is up in normal levels, again and my anemia has improved by 10 points. He gave me a referral to an OB/GYN surgeon and a script for physical therapy. I cancelled my heart appointment follow-up as they had already told me they hadn't found anything. SO?? I'll try the pt for my neck and shoulder. Maybe I'll try a chiropractor instead if it doesn't help. I am going to wait and see how my period goes. Other than that I am done being a medical guinea pig for awhile or a Zebra.

It is back to what works and doesn't. Cleaning up my diet again and adding more exercise is the first step. The second is to watch my stress levels. Third is my caffeine intake and monitoring my medicines and vitamins. Last is starting a quit smoking program. I'd like to try hypnosis again, but actually do it on a personal basis. Yeah, I know you have heard this song-and -dance before. I have finally accepted that a lot of my physical ailments stem from my mental dilemma's. Feeling good requires work and planning, at least for me. I have been here before and accomplished my goals.

Therapy, hmm.. i face a lot of challenges there. I am laughing though, today.. as having addictive personality disorder( that's my new term) I broke so many of the chemical dependencies so many years ago. My latest yearning for drugs and alcohol? I can say I'd rather not drink, then that I don't drink at all. This is probably not the way you are supposed to do it. But, for me ..when I give myself the choice I can honestly say, no thanks. When I try to force the iron band of no, my mind rebels and thinks of ways to prove that I should or could or how..makes no sense?? LOL, uh-huh. trust me, this is not the answer for anyone except maybe me.

I have lots to do and my first step is to charge my soul batteries, kiss my kid's, sneak up on my puppy with his  no-flea gunk and take a nap. TTYAL Thanks for listening , will write/vent sooner next time.

To my friend LKY, OMG! Prayers and love honey if you read this, I am very worried about you. Special prayers for Abby and Addison, two ICU babies fighting for their lives. All my other friends, you know who you are..keep going. You are all so amazing.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love.--"Mother Teresa

 "The fear you have about being insignificant is a deception. As long as you have the courage to act, you will matter."

You all matter..somewhere, somehow, to somebody, and yourselves.

I say a little prayer for you

I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate America's health policies, medical mysteries, and health insurance. I still do.

I made it to the heart doctor, didn't get lost and didn't smoke in my car. My insurance was denying all my claims. They needed to know if I had any secondary insurance. Um, no..no..and no..duh. This is probably why I still haven't been reimbursed for my therapist either. Called and went through an automated robot voice..not sure if it is straightened out or not yet.

All my tests were normal except for a very small seepage in 1 valve, which they say is normal. OK, this means I spent almost $500 with the "insurance" to find out nothing. The doctor was nice enough to give me a prescription for a drug that retains salt. Other than that it was another test or two...*sigh. Maybe I will go back to my GP. My Canadian neighbor may be around in Fall, he's a doctor. If my hubby fixes enough stuff for him? LOL.

Another drug? That makes 4 scrips now...plus A&D, and a few other vitamins. At least they are all cheap ones, I worked in a pharmacy..some people spend a boatload of money every week. It is really sad. I hate taking any of them, they all make me nauseous. Plus vitamins, aargh..despise taking pills, even though I am a pro at it. My parents were health food nuts, we had to choke down at least 5 to 10 pills every Saturday and Sunday. By sophomore year this became a daily ordeal with my Dad. Kelp tablets taste like seaweed because guess what? They ARE seaweed! Blch...there are worse things though.(shudder) "sprout water" You really don't want to know.

When I started taking diet pills to lose weight and stay awake. I used to thank them for that. When I had to swallow ibuprofen dry or chew aspirin because my hands were hurting and swollen so much. I thanked them again. I could drink any kind of alcohol and keep it down at first because of vile things I was forced to drink and eat. So much pain and hatred, it is such a waste. I have grown up a bit since then. My Dad has a lot of the same stomach conditions I have. Both of my folks have had so many surgeries I've lost count.

Whew! I have calmed down even more. I took Jack the puppy for a walk and checked up on my neighbor. She is beyond precious and rare..truly sweet.  Jack also behaved extremely well and even showed off his "walk" skills and "jump" command for other neighbors that just moved in. There is hope for this crazy dog yet. I am just so proud.

I have felt like a great big brat in a temper tamper all day. Some of this hormones, I have figured out why they cause it menopause instead of meno-stop. Aaargh! Some was from the doc, some from my kids, some from obsessions, some because of money, housework. Stress that I have created for myself. Trying now instead to focus on what is real, true and good.

I pray tonight for me..and include that circle for all my friends, family and pets too. I also have specific people in mind, some I don't know by name. It doesn't matter, my God knows who they are and I really don't ask for things either. It is more like Uncle Russ had surgery, you know. My fb's friend grandma broke her hip. One of my favorite friends and her son, plus the rest.. Another really deserves so much better.. I end up global, for all the military people who should be home. For all the people who have hate/love, trials/blessings...my mind can't really encompass it all, but God's can. "He" was already watching over all these people, individually and has his own purpose for each one.

 I kind of pray like this all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less. Always have in a way and it relaxes me..the prayers circle around and come back. I don't really get answers just a bit of bliss. The best is when I can hear the music and know everything is going to be ok. It takes a bit of practise...and I don't always achieve it.

This is my level.

 What is yours?

Thanks for listening..TTYAL :-)!

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.

Alice, Where Are You Going? Part I

Crazy is as crazy does. LOL, My internal mind can be quite calm or a battlefield. One friend told me to not let anyone convince me I was insane..another person told me not only that I was beyond insane, but addicted to the chaos of it. They are both right.

My life now is about as sane as it can be. I have the kids, my hubby, my house, the puppy. I have different projects, this blog, Face book(!), cleaning, decorating and maintaining my home, cooking, all the other housewife kinds of things. I'm a parent and dog-owner..it is a pretty similar job, except I can't put my kids on a leash or in a cage. No matter how much I would like to at times! I watch TV, movies, listen to music, read..:-)

I go shopping, Wal-Mart/Target, Fry's, Kohl's, Pet-Smart, Home Depot, Office Max, etc., gas stations. I go out to eat, to the library, the bank, and to school functions. Lately, I have added various doctors' appointments and a weekly therapist. I try to take daily walks and during the summer swim daily. Max. my son, usually has at least one friend over at one point or goes to their house. I say hello to my neighbor's if I see them, on very rare occasions I visit with them or they come over.

Have I put you all to sleep yet?

The next level? Part II..sorry. I think quite a few people can relate to my story so far. The "madness" of it all is much harder to write and think about. I do promise that I won't make you wait long. I've always hated "to be continued"s..or "cliff-hangers".

Thank you all for reading so far. I was re-approved for my ads, if you click on them I might get paid. LOL, I have no idea what they do..I am not allowed to click on them. TTYAL very soon.

Daffy Was the One With a Bill

If I start writing this , I probably won't go back to sleep. That idea is still a possibility...it is 3:33 am..my alarm is set for 6..but 6:33 is still doable. Hmm..nope, guess not. I shouldn't have made coffee.

My hubby is home, arrived yesterday right after me and the kids came back from dinner and grocery shopping. I was proud of myself that I had already started homemade chicken noodle. My poor honey has the flu, which I gave him last week.  I was even happier that I did buy the rotisserie chicken. It finished it off nicely. I am really hoping his strain hasn't mutated..or that he ends up with pneumonia, again. He has a history with that. I had a boss that had the same problem, she developed it anytime she caught a cold. All I can say to that one is karma is a bitch sometime. I told you I wasn't a saint...LOL.

I am not sure who me or my husband wronged in a previous life. We have had a bit more than our fair share of medical issues...and now can add psychological ones as well. I have always believed mind, body, and soul are intertwined. With my present therapy this becomes truer every day. I can't explain the techniques we use and am not going to even try to. It really does help, so far. Though I still think psychology is a necessary "evil"  kind of dirty science. So all therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. are a bit suspect and shady...especially when they are being nice. I laugh here.

I love Sociology. It is so much cleaner and clear-cut. I had a beyond awesome teacher for it, and while I could use a review. I have used it,  over and over in my life and seen it in action, first hand. I love the idea of being a circle and having everything  interact with circles, friends, family, neighborhood, interests. Face book is a big social global circle and keeps expanding..that makes me smile. Even if it is run by 'evil' aliens who force changes that nobody likes, wants or understands..OMG, lol. I could do without the virus attacks there too.

I saw a cardiologist on Wednesday..really really liked him which helps. My low blood pressure is still having its occasional drops..which makes no sense as I practically live on caffeine..for years and years. I have been addicted to nicotine for over 30 years. I crave sweets/sugar and salt..olives, pickles, pepperocini are my top favorite foods, plus nuts, sesame anything, and sunflower seeds. Chocolate is its own food group, and "white" chocolate is a fake and not included. Blcch! My b.p. should be through the roof. Instead, I barely make it over a 100 for the top reading. He said all the drugs I played with may have damaged my heart. Huh! Who would have thought..! Or that I already had some type of damage that I was born with. Go figure. Tests..always more tests..the one requires no food, drink, including coffee, or any drugs/smokes for at least 6 Hours prior..some parts are 24. Wow.. still don't know about that one.

Of course this all costs. I have already met my deductible for the year, and have to get pre-approval on everything else. It is February. I am not sure what the cap is..*sigh. I really can't afford to be crazy or ill. Donations are welcome, jk, lolol.. kind of. I admit I am whining a bit. I am so thankful I don't have cancer, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, epilepsy, etc. there is a very big long list. I know or knew people who do/did. Some died from their conditions. God rest their souls...I miss them. Some fight daily against chronic pain/ and a whole plethora of evil symptoms. I pray for them.

My first hernia surgery was without insurance and cost us $50,000. I still think the surgeon took out my appendix so he could charge more. Jerk! It took us almost 7 years to pay it off...plus other medical for me, my hubby and kids. Now we are paying off a pool. I'd rather pay for the pool, much more fun and useful.

The next level? Oh bite me..no, not really. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone healthy on all levels. Physical, mental, and spiritual..it's a wish. The world would end up being very boring or hmm... not even sure. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

Daffy was the one with the bill, Elmer was the one with a gun, and Bugs..Bugs Bunny was always the smart one or the smart-ass. Lol, maybe it was all those carrots.."What's up, Doc?"

Thanks for reading as always, TTYAL  Good health and prosperity to you all.

I am so sick and tired...of being sick and...

Today I feel like crap. God, I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL. I have the flu, or the remnants of it anyway.

 Getting my hubby back off to UT isn't complicated. I love him one final time, feed him an egg-cheese-and-sausage sandwich. Then, make a pile of food he needs to take with him, his bread, cheese, condiments and the left-over ribs with a bottle of bbq sauce. Then, it is just small reminders.."yes, dear.. all clean jeans are in the laundry room, just grab clean underwear and socks from your drawer" etc. He does the same thing, in his own way. "Yes, honey..I'll mail those bills tomorrow and cash the expense check, ok."Timing isn't essentially critical when you have a 10-12 hour drive ahead of you..Though, it is not altogether safe to drive at night where he is headed. He whacked 2 deers last year. I affectionately call him the "slayer".

We both avoid emotion, it is just routine and polite..we have done this too many times. Neither of us wants him to go, and there is no choice, bills need to be paid. We have shared these past few days, now it is time to shut that part down and get back to "normal" mode without him. I am barely able to function today though. WTH! Normally I go into a bit of a slide, funk, depression, mood...on the days he leaves. The kids do too. Today? I am ill, headache, nausea, diarrhea, chest pain, breathing problems, sore throat, achiness, general malaise and apathy. But all of the above is gradual, and not severe..some of which are a "normal" part of my life. It takes me all day, even after a nap..to remember I still have the flu.

I don't think this is "fair"..it is just  'not right'. I have so many other "issues" (left turn here, every time I say that word, I do want to laugh..box of tissues anyone?) Getting a virus on top of it all..LOLOL..I am cursed, bogeyed, jinxed, hexed, or receiving my bad karma waves back 3-fold. Ouch! I also have medicine head, very fuzzy and can't think straight.

My medical history reads like a map from hell..other's have or have had it 10 to 100 times worse, so I try not to have a pity party for myself. Besides, after an intial "Oh, hope you feel better soon" and "so glad it isn't happening to me (internal thought)" it gets boring and tiresome to hear and talk about...or even think about.

I have to make an appointment to see a heart specialist next week. I was supposed to do it the week before or was it the week before that? I don't want to. Not for the normal reasons, I am not really afraid of a fatal diagnosis. That would be too easy. I am more worried that they won't find anything, all tests will be "a-ok, with-in normal parameters." I used to get furious and upset when they said my medical symptoms were all in my head. Now, uh-huh..has a lot to do with it. But, I have said this before..are you really a hypochondriac, if there is actually something wrong with you? The doctors have been wrong so many times before..*sigh.

The next level? Healthcare in the US sucks or is the best in the world. It depends on who you are and how much you make..the middle class pay the highest percentage for the smallest reward. The lowest income get care, some beyond excellent.  The majority of it.. day-to-day care is institutionalized, beaucratic, and de-personalized. You don't want to be a zebra.

To flu or not to flu..sorry, apologize for that one..I am getting tired. Have a good night/day and stay well my friends. TTYAL.