Another one..how many can there be?

Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.

I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)

THAT is depression.

The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.

LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.

I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.

I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.

AZ morning

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston

Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

How many days? However as many as we get.

It's Been Awhile

Max , my 11 year-old son is lying on the couch, it is 10:39 and way past bedtime even for a week-end. His knee is going out again, his left one this time.. One of his physical therapists did warn me this could happen. Hell. 

I hate to see him in pain, that he is enduring an ice pack says a lot. I can hear his knee as he tries to bend it and it "clicks" loud..and watch as his face crumples. This hurts me as a Mom, I would take his pain if I could. It also means back to the doctor's for a referral and then back to physical therapy. It has been a year since the last time. It is a brutal process to go through and also to watch.

This problem is hereditary..genetics.

I had a friend say "show me your friends and I'll show you your future"..not sure if that is original or not. He was talking about drug and alcohol addiction. Right now almost 98% of my friends are on-line, only. My destiny??? A doctor can say, show me your family tree..and there is your medical future. Which does include addiction, as it is a disease. Other things, too. My family is plagued with diabetes. I have watched a few people who have bucked the odds of their genetics through rigorous exercise and strict adherence to a healthy diet and lifestyle. I have watched other's break their addiction's and live fully. I give them all so much credit.

The "typical" American way...we throw drugs/and or money, and more drugs/and or money at problems and mouth the words of what we are supposed to be doing. Fast food is easy and cheap. Fresh fruit, veggies, exercise..takes a solid commitment and a very strong desire. Losing weight is big business..so is being an out-of-shape couch potato. I always laugh at the "woman's" magazines next to the checkout, they have all the latest headlines. LOSE 10-20-30 lbs... without any pain or in so-and-so many weeks. The picture underneath it will be a new recipe for chocolate cake or the most indulgent dessert. The other pictures on the cover are usually about the latest celebrity, good or bad, usually from TV or the movies. The other blurbs will be about the newest hottest e-toys. Oh, and then how to save money, somehow. LOL.

Just saying, I hate exercise and love food.

I found a big piece of myself today. Ka-chunk..thanks to a friend I met on Face book this year. She is a smart, beautiful lady with a huge heart, romantic dreams, and great common sense. I wouldn't have made it through the past year without her. She manages to take pain and sorrow and wraps it around and somehow twists it and turns it till it comes out as hope and love. She's amazing, all by herself. Her soul-mate..will have to be one-of-a kind special. He's out there and their destiny. I believe, because she does. You can't help but love her, she's the real thing.

I have been feeling like a rat in a cage. A bored housewife with major past issues..OMG..I HATE STEREOTYPES!

 "I'M PRETTY COOL WITH THE TEMPORARY FORM OF HUMAN LIFE." Tom Walsh 



This was a quote from a friend before I unintentionally insulted him. Oops! It was a joke..sorry, you didn't get it. I still love this quote..




My level was learning about myself today..good and bad. I yelled at my son this morning beyond anything he should have had to hear because of my frustrations and later had the guts to apologize. He forgives me..but I have to work on that. It won't be a true apology if I keep doing it.

Your level is wherever you need to be..and then some, and you WILL know it when you see it. It is your future after all. Our time here is temporary, only a 100 years or so.. if you are lucky. What will they say about you when you are gone? What will they say about me? LOL...

"It's been awhile, since I could hold my head up high.." Staind