smile like the sun..

I have been thinking. LOL, no, that isn't as ominous as it could be. I do love my aha moments when I figure something out. Even if the knowledge isn't something I want to know or accept. I have always hated being thought of as dumb. I don't think anyone enjoys that feeling. I learned early on to use my hair color as a defense. People do stereotype, whether consciously or not. Dumb blonde jokes worked in my favor, I could act like an airhead and people would laugh. I still do it. Yes, at times it isn't an act. I really don't have a clue, other times, hmm..

I was considered a "brain" in school, though not always. I still have problems with regular math. I loved algebra, calculus, and even statistics when I was able to wrap my mind around it. I hated doing proofs in geometry, but loved angles, shapes, graphing. I managed to figure out computer programming for a while, in machine code. It gave me extreme headaches. Ugh, I couldn't do any of that now, not without a full refresher course. Concepts? I loved learning..and still do.

I liked competing in school with other kids when I did well. High school was better than grade school, College was even better. I still thought I was stupid. My siblings are all exceptionally bright and successful, without my fuzziness. They all got degrees in science and engineering. I never graduated from college, even though I ended up going to four different places. I had too many "issues" that caught up to me. I am laughing, they are still catching up to me.

The "real" world taught me so many other things besides "book smarts." I was always amazed at other people's special gifts. Common sense isn't as common as you would think, the bonus is you can learn it. Learning how to socialize with folks was a huge challenge for me, and still can be. I am still so far ahead of my daughter, this is the most damning part of Asperger's. I hurt for her, as not only is she considered strange and weird, she can't understand what other's are saying and meaning. She is ostracized, knows it,  and tries to deal with it. Right now, it is withdrawing into herself and shutting down. It is so sad and heart breaking.

She is also a royal pain in the butt at times, too. This does not make life any easier for her, her family, school and anyone who knows her.

I secretly envy other people's special skills. My daughter's musical ability, my husband's natural coordination and fix-it ability, my son's skill at making friends, my girlfriends sense of fashion, something about everyone. I am happy for them and wish, but have learned to just be happy. There are talents that can be honed and learned, there are also unique gifts that are given to everyone. Some of these get better or even more astounding with practise and work. Other skills are just a part of who you are. I have a super sense of smell that is not particularly a blessing. It is getting even sharper again since I quit smoking. I am glad that my family loves me as I do complain a lot. Everything smells. Really.

The point to all of the above...my therapist made a comment that I have too much respect and courage for myself to lower my standards of certain things. Wow, really? I was stunned, what a compliment. Also, how true. I worked very hard to gain a measure of self-worth against the odds. I am who I am, and thank God it isn't perfect, but it is mighty fine.

My level, my place of where I am at now is a wonderful place to be at. I am sure self-doubt and despair will creep back. I know it and expect it. It may even engulf me, but I know there is another side to it. It isn't forever.

My challenge is to look in the mirror and say "Hi, there good-looking, how's it going?" every day for a week. It really surprises me how it makes me smile and gives me the nice flush of warmth. Woo-hoo!

Thanks for listening to me as always, ttyal. "You make me smile.."



I own no rights to the song, video or lyrics..they are Uncle Cracker's.  Love them though, and this song too.

 To make mistakes is human; to stumble is commonplace; to be able to laugh at yourself is maturity.-Unknown

 

I am so mature now..lolol.

Hello..

My kids were off school today and I got absolutely nothing done. I would love to blame it on them, but it wasn't their fault. I did not feel like doing a d**n thing at all. Nope, nada, nil, zero, ziltch..I didn't even particularly want to wake up but did. President's Day, I told my son it was a holiday only for bank employees, kids and postal/government workers. I would count teachers too, but they bring work home all the time.

It wasn't a very exciting day. We did end up going out for lunch, but even that was a sort of blah. I didn't eat very healthy. I haven't been eating much either. All foods and drinks are giving me heartburn. I have been in the doldrums for about a week? Even when my hubby was home I wasn't motivated. I was sick then, and my non-existent hernia problem were giving me grief. But, I have rooted to my couch and become a potato, that is when I am not asleep or napping.

This is not good.

I have done as minimal as I am able to do. I feed the dog and treat him, but haven't walked him in days. I have been zoning out on Facebook and playing solitaire or doing suduko puzzles. I ignore my kids and dog as much as I can. Even bored out of my mind, I stare out at oblivion. I realize I don't want to think. I want to be numb. Why? Or maybe I should ask why not? Going around backwards to find the answer, there may not be one. Hmm..ok.

I have decided that I am in a rest state. I am digesting information and need a respite. Yeah, okay..that sounds better than just being lazy or zombified. It is too a word, spell-checker..hmph. lol.

Tomorrow? I will get up and get motivated and, and..at least I am still taking showers and I haven't planned anything subversive. I am not a una-bomber. That would take too much effort. I am keeping this light and a bit silly. I do not want to think or dwell on deep heavy thoughts or ponder. This is about just enjoying hugs, puppies and fluffy clouds. (This was a post in my Facebook). I guess this is what the anti-depressants are supposed to do.

I don't know. I am still new to this. I still get shaky at times, but it is getting better.  I think. I haven't been taking on very many challenges either. I need to go try to get some sleep and will re-read this in the morning, hmm. I should include a picture, quote or song here. All I can hear is the pool filter and my lap-top humming right now. The puppy isn't even snoring.

My title today, Hello? The polite conversations we have.

" Hello! How are you doing?"

"Oh, hi! I have been great, it sure has been a while. How are things going with you?"

"Just fine, really, everything is good..we should talk more often and you look great."

"Thanks, you are so sweet., you too..and yes, we should get together way more. Got to run now, you know."

"Don't I know it, busy... busy... busy"

"See ya"

"yep, see ya..this was sweet, bye"

"bye"

Whatever..we don't say a damn thing which is better than nothing but what? I am not  even sure what I am saying here. I want more. I want more connection, more reality, more content even if it burns. LOL-WOW zinger. TTYAL and have a marvellous day. Thanks for listening.

birth of a sun, I think..

"A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down(x3)..in the most delightful way." from Mary Poppins 

It is just a game we play...

LOLOL..love it :-)

It is weird. My throat hurts, and I crave a smoke, blah. Whew, I don't smoke any more. I am sure you are tired of me saying this. I have to say it at least once a day, still. I smoked for over 30 years, every day. I have now quit for over 6 months, woo-hoo.

My throat is killing me because I have strep throat. So does my daughter, we are both on antibiotics, now. My son is still okay. My hubby says he is fine also.  He is on his way home driving today. I feel bad about his 11 hour drive. I can't do it as it involves swirling around mountains. I have severe vertigo, nausea, phobia. I don't know, I know I am not the only one. The panic that overwhelms me is similar to the fear you get when you are stuck underwater and can't get a breath. I still have that fear, even though I love to dive. So I dive and do as best as I can to surface before I panic. I am not a great swimmer, but I love to be in the water. Driving through mountain passes, it isn't like I can shut my eyes till I reach the bottom or top again. It freaks me out!

Facing fears.

I have tried to force myself to do this all my life. Some things were easy, others became easier with habit. So many fears...so many I still haven't faced up to yet. When I first started my journey of turning and looking into my past, my friend at the time told me I had to be ready to face my monsters. Yes. Some of this has been easy, others easier the more I face it. Others I have not faced yet. I know they are there, but I also know I am not ready for them all at once. Baby steps, and yes, that is from the movie, "What about Bob?"

I read, and experiment and force myself to do.

My kids?

They keep me going, piss me off, make me laugh, cry and scare me to death. I never expected to be a parent. I never really thought I would be married, either. Over 40? LOLOL, so not. I am still in a shock about that at times. I miss my job. I miss people, friends, neighbors, customers even. I miss my hubby so much. I shouldn't be this lonely.

I am sorry. I feel like I am saying the same things I have said before. I hate repeating myself, even when it is important. I am trying to learn how to forgive. Forgive the people who have harmed me, regardless, and myself. I don't think we realize how much damage we do to ourselves. Words do have power.

I have gotten quite a bit done today, though never as much as I hope or expect to. I try to not let this discourage me. I am still so tired all the time. I hate it. I feel like I am sleepwalking through my life, some times.

I have had two theories of thought going around. "One is that we could die any moment. The past is over, the future hasn't happened and today is a gift, that is why it is called the present. Live each day as if it is your last." It is true, but it also bothered me. I wasn't even sure why either. I finally found the other side to it. It was that "yes, you may die tomorrow but for most of us, we won't. The decisions and choices we are making now are what we have to live with in 10, 20, 30..etc. years down the road. Choose wisely."

 How to reconcile both? I am grateful for every day I wake up. I am also aware that my time is limited, it is getting to be on the shorter half, not the longer. I am planning with my family now for that future and it is needing help, but I am getting there. One way or the other..


Thanks for listening. TTYAL, love, peace, health, and prosperity to you all. Have a smile as your armour for the day, and see how bright it becomes.

It has been...

After writing about how I feel compelled to write and how I have so many ideas floating around in my head. I haven't been able to write more than a few sentences here and there. I can't shut down the part of my mind that constantly analyses things. I have tried. The most I can do is drug or blur it.  I do have times where my mind is at peace or rest. I'll take the tranquillity time. It is a good thing.

My hubby is home. That helps me mellow out, like a breathe let out.  I saw him for 2 and a 1/2 days last month for the whole month. I told my therapist I was embarrassed about breaking down. I also told my husband I am not stable enough for these extended absences. My hubby agreed, I will hold him to that. My therapist told me nobody is stable enough to be expected to handle that much separation. Wow. I feel much better now. It has been so difficult, for years and years now, one reason after another of being apart.

I am hoping things start coming together so this move can work out. I am hoping and praying. We need to be together. My kids have bloomed today, both are so happy he is home.The company my husband works for has close to a 98% divorce rate for 'field' workers. No surprise there from me. It has been brutal. The job before that wasn't much of an improvement. Why did we move here to the desert? We were expecting so much more. For him to be home more, not less, more pay and better benefits and no snow. They got half of it right. Now, we are going to try again.

I am doing okay. I hope to be able to say that when he leaves again. I have to find my strength and quirky humour to keep going and keep everyone else moving along too. I have been soaking up sunshine and trying to get my rest. I have been so tired. My digestive system has been as wonky as usual. I am eating less though and going for healthier choices.

I was going out for daily walks. I went out for a bike ride and fell over on the bike in the garage on top of my son's bike and a rack attachment for the car. Yep, it hurt like hell. I have three massive bruises plus aches and pains. I then had an incident with a skateboard that was left out in the dark. More bruises and aches and pains..I ache all over. I WILL walk tomorrow, today is an owie owie day. The first accident was my fault, the second one, no. It hurts either way. Ugh.

One step at a time is all I can manage right now. I fall over and get back up, so far. I smile here. There isn't anyone who hears me scream, except God. I am the one who has to get up and help myself. There is worse places to be and even all bruised up I am still in better shape then so many.

Here I have to laugh as I interject. My hubby has never physically harmed me on purpose. He has never..though he did break my hand, but that was an accident. He would be so grumpy if he read this because he doesn't understand why I find this so amusing. I really can't explain it either. It shouldn't be funny, but it is. God, I love him, my kids and puppy too.

I am sorry that I have taken such a long break, thanks for listening. I need to go to sleep and will proofread and publish this in the morning. Love you all. Weird, huh? LOL.

Getting there, bridges can be so beautiful.