Around and Around We Go

"the only constant in life is change, but life is a circle..." me w/others

Today was better than yesterday for me. Now, I am a bit sad. The first posts today on Face book were about a death of a loved one, another later was about a friend fighting cancer. Tonight, a very dear friend asked for prayers for his Mom going to the ER. It seems strange that these posts were mixed in with Oscar watching critiques and jokes. You can add conspiracy theories, sports, competition updates, weather status complaints, songs, 2 blog postings..and 2 birthdays. There was much more..hard to explain it all.

People are born and people die, it is the natural order of things. We celebrate life and birthdays, one more circle around the sun. I just wish...

I wish I could take away people's pain, worry, and despair. Happy, happy people but, ugh! Whew, that would get to be too much. Putting everyone back into Eden, or forward to heaven. I have faced my own death many times. I want to live and am scared to live, but my own passing doesn't worry me. The thought of my kids, husband, friends, family and even the puppy missing me is soothing. Their pain and suffering, no..don't cry, don't grieve. I am okay.

Their possible deaths..no. Whenever, however..can't even think about it.

I believe everybody ends up in their own version of heaven and hell. If you are Hindu, you are on the wheel of re-birth or enlightenment. Mormons have 3 heavens each better than the next, Catholics have purgatory and judgement..or for others maybe a flash of light and nothing, or a soul flitting through the cosmos...

I do think everyone has to face the moment of truth, when you look back at your life and see it through the eyes of a "God".  Every action you did take and feel how that affected everyone around you..through their eyes and emotions. Not good for a murderer, not so unpleasant for a saint. You also get to see all the different outcomes. The what ifs and the did nots..

LOL, since this is my beliefs, maybe it is only MY destiny.

The next level is to work on your next level now..every day. Open your eyes, ears, and take advantage of what you have...amaze yourself.


Have a great day and shine on..TTYAL..You don't want to come back as a cricket. :-)

" How far that little candle throws its beams. So shines a good deed in a needy world." Shakespeare

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.

Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub." 

Alice, Where Are You Going? Part I

Crazy is as crazy does. LOL, My internal mind can be quite calm or a battlefield. One friend told me to not let anyone convince me I was insane..another person told me not only that I was beyond insane, but addicted to the chaos of it. They are both right.

My life now is about as sane as it can be. I have the kids, my hubby, my house, the puppy. I have different projects, this blog, Face book(!), cleaning, decorating and maintaining my home, cooking, all the other housewife kinds of things. I'm a parent and dog-owner..it is a pretty similar job, except I can't put my kids on a leash or in a cage. No matter how much I would like to at times! I watch TV, movies, listen to music, read..:-)

I go shopping, Wal-Mart/Target, Fry's, Kohl's, Pet-Smart, Home Depot, Office Max, etc., gas stations. I go out to eat, to the library, the bank, and to school functions. Lately, I have added various doctors' appointments and a weekly therapist. I try to take daily walks and during the summer swim daily. Max. my son, usually has at least one friend over at one point or goes to their house. I say hello to my neighbor's if I see them, on very rare occasions I visit with them or they come over.

Have I put you all to sleep yet?

The next level? Part II..sorry. I think quite a few people can relate to my story so far. The "madness" of it all is much harder to write and think about. I do promise that I won't make you wait long. I've always hated "to be continued"s..or "cliff-hangers".

Thank you all for reading so far. I was re-approved for my ads, if you click on them I might get paid. LOL, I have no idea what they do..I am not allowed to click on them. TTYAL very soon.

Daffy Was the One With a Bill

If I start writing this , I probably won't go back to sleep. That idea is still a possibility...it is 3:33 am..my alarm is set for 6..but 6:33 is still doable. Hmm..nope, guess not. I shouldn't have made coffee.

My hubby is home, arrived yesterday right after me and the kids came back from dinner and grocery shopping. I was proud of myself that I had already started homemade chicken noodle. My poor honey has the flu, which I gave him last week.  I was even happier that I did buy the rotisserie chicken. It finished it off nicely. I am really hoping his strain hasn't mutated..or that he ends up with pneumonia, again. He has a history with that. I had a boss that had the same problem, she developed it anytime she caught a cold. All I can say to that one is karma is a bitch sometime. I told you I wasn't a saint...LOL.

I am not sure who me or my husband wronged in a previous life. We have had a bit more than our fair share of medical issues...and now can add psychological ones as well. I have always believed mind, body, and soul are intertwined. With my present therapy this becomes truer every day. I can't explain the techniques we use and am not going to even try to. It really does help, so far. Though I still think psychology is a necessary "evil"  kind of dirty science. So all therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. are a bit suspect and shady...especially when they are being nice. I laugh here.

I love Sociology. It is so much cleaner and clear-cut. I had a beyond awesome teacher for it, and while I could use a review. I have used it,  over and over in my life and seen it in action, first hand. I love the idea of being a circle and having everything  interact with circles, friends, family, neighborhood, interests. Face book is a big social global circle and keeps expanding..that makes me smile. Even if it is run by 'evil' aliens who force changes that nobody likes, wants or understands..OMG, lol. I could do without the virus attacks there too.

I saw a cardiologist on Wednesday..really really liked him which helps. My low blood pressure is still having its occasional drops..which makes no sense as I practically live on caffeine..for years and years. I have been addicted to nicotine for over 30 years. I crave sweets/sugar and salt..olives, pickles, pepperocini are my top favorite foods, plus nuts, sesame anything, and sunflower seeds. Chocolate is its own food group, and "white" chocolate is a fake and not included. Blcch! My b.p. should be through the roof. Instead, I barely make it over a 100 for the top reading. He said all the drugs I played with may have damaged my heart. Huh! Who would have thought..! Or that I already had some type of damage that I was born with. Go figure. Tests..always more tests..the one requires no food, drink, including coffee, or any drugs/smokes for at least 6 Hours prior..some parts are 24. Wow.. still don't know about that one.

Of course this all costs. I have already met my deductible for the year, and have to get pre-approval on everything else. It is February. I am not sure what the cap is..*sigh. I really can't afford to be crazy or ill. Donations are welcome, jk, lolol.. kind of. I admit I am whining a bit. I am so thankful I don't have cancer, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, epilepsy, etc. there is a very big long list. I know or knew people who do/did. Some died from their conditions. God rest their souls...I miss them. Some fight daily against chronic pain/ and a whole plethora of evil symptoms. I pray for them.

My first hernia surgery was without insurance and cost us $50,000. I still think the surgeon took out my appendix so he could charge more. Jerk! It took us almost 7 years to pay it off...plus other medical for me, my hubby and kids. Now we are paying off a pool. I'd rather pay for the pool, much more fun and useful.

The next level? Oh bite me..no, not really. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone healthy on all levels. Physical, mental, and spiritual..it's a wish. The world would end up being very boring or hmm... not even sure. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

Daffy was the one with the bill, Elmer was the one with a gun, and Bugs..Bugs Bunny was always the smart one or the smart-ass. Lol, maybe it was all those carrots.."What's up, Doc?"

Thanks for reading as always, TTYAL  Good health and prosperity to you all.

Life is but a Dream

I think I am sleep writing this. I am very tired. I resist sleep, though not because of nightmares. I do have an occasional one. I very rarely remember my dreams, the non-scary ones are beyond bizarre and in color. The Chantix drug I am on  to quit smoking is supposed to cause strange dreams..so far so good. My quit date was yesterday, didn't make it. I have enough Chantix to last till March..so March 21st it is. One of my high school girlfriend's birthday's...the day before mine.

All of us smoker's used to hang around and smoke at the bus stop, before and after. She never did. Her aunts, who all smoked, had put money into a trust for her. If she ever smoked she would forfeit it. I never knew if the story was true or not, but I loved it. When anybody in our group gave her crap about not smoking..I'd stick up for her. Smoking for me was a choice, not the result of peer pressure. I went to a party in WI early on in my Denny's career, didn't drink much that night. I felt a bit strange because all the girls were so young and then younger. They were giving one of the kids a hard time about not smoking. I remember saying leave her alone, whatever. She still has never smoked and never will. I am still proud of that and her... she has kids of her own now.

Dreams, nightmare's..being a server, sigh." Dennymare's"..where you are stuck at work, can't remember a d**n thing, the kitchen is messed up and you have a whole dining room full of angry, hungry people and more coming in the door. This was often reality, too...so many many times. The dream was easy, wake up. The reality, you could break down, walk out or keep going. You didn't get to break down till after..you just kept going. Sometimes you got help, and sometimes you didn't. Sometimes people came in and took the whole thing over, so not helpful really. Other times you realized you were helping out others too much...doing their job for them. Not really all that helpful, either.

I am hoping people don't mind that I am talking about them. I am not naming any names...LOL...not yet.(evil grin here) I am just kidding..

The next level? I have said that reality can bite and hard. You can try to live it as a dream, but there has to be a time where you wake up. You can break down, or walk out, or the best bet.. keep going. Sometimes you get help, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are the one helping someone else.

I managed to do three projects today. I made appointments on the phone, which I hate doing. I finally got my Christmas tree down and packed away. Yes, I know it is February.. I will store it away tomorrow. I also let go of a person who I was using as a crutch. He is back to being an awesome friend. Thanks for letting me lean, I am getting the hang of it now. I smile here.

Have a great day or night and pleasant dreams..TTYAL.

I am so sick and tired...of being sick and...

Today I feel like crap. God, I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL. I have the flu, or the remnants of it anyway.

 Getting my hubby back off to UT isn't complicated. I love him one final time, feed him an egg-cheese-and-sausage sandwich. Then, make a pile of food he needs to take with him, his bread, cheese, condiments and the left-over ribs with a bottle of bbq sauce. Then, it is just small reminders.."yes, dear.. all clean jeans are in the laundry room, just grab clean underwear and socks from your drawer" etc. He does the same thing, in his own way. "Yes, honey..I'll mail those bills tomorrow and cash the expense check, ok."Timing isn't essentially critical when you have a 10-12 hour drive ahead of you..Though, it is not altogether safe to drive at night where he is headed. He whacked 2 deers last year. I affectionately call him the "slayer".

We both avoid emotion, it is just routine and polite..we have done this too many times. Neither of us wants him to go, and there is no choice, bills need to be paid. We have shared these past few days, now it is time to shut that part down and get back to "normal" mode without him. I am barely able to function today though. WTH! Normally I go into a bit of a slide, funk, depression, mood...on the days he leaves. The kids do too. Today? I am ill, headache, nausea, diarrhea, chest pain, breathing problems, sore throat, achiness, general malaise and apathy. But all of the above is gradual, and not severe..some of which are a "normal" part of my life. It takes me all day, even after a nap..to remember I still have the flu.

I don't think this is "fair"..it is just  'not right'. I have so many other "issues" (left turn here, every time I say that word, I do want to laugh..box of tissues anyone?) Getting a virus on top of it all..LOLOL..I am cursed, bogeyed, jinxed, hexed, or receiving my bad karma waves back 3-fold. Ouch! I also have medicine head, very fuzzy and can't think straight.

My medical history reads like a map from hell..other's have or have had it 10 to 100 times worse, so I try not to have a pity party for myself. Besides, after an intial "Oh, hope you feel better soon" and "so glad it isn't happening to me (internal thought)" it gets boring and tiresome to hear and talk about...or even think about.

I have to make an appointment to see a heart specialist next week. I was supposed to do it the week before or was it the week before that? I don't want to. Not for the normal reasons, I am not really afraid of a fatal diagnosis. That would be too easy. I am more worried that they won't find anything, all tests will be "a-ok, with-in normal parameters." I used to get furious and upset when they said my medical symptoms were all in my head. Now, uh-huh..has a lot to do with it. But, I have said this before..are you really a hypochondriac, if there is actually something wrong with you? The doctors have been wrong so many times before..*sigh.

The next level? Healthcare in the US sucks or is the best in the world. It depends on who you are and how much you make..the middle class pay the highest percentage for the smallest reward. The lowest income get care, some beyond excellent.  The majority of it.. day-to-day care is institutionalized, beaucratic, and de-personalized. You don't want to be a zebra.

To flu or not to flu..sorry, apologize for that one..I am getting tired. Have a good night/day and stay well my friends. TTYAL.

Reality Bites.. Hard

I have been enjoying my "extra" day with my hubby, Mark. All of the craziness of the past few months has opened lines of communication that have been closed for years. Some have never been broached before..by either of us, even in our own minds. It has been incredibly rewarding to know, I really did marry the right guy. Doing right by each other is a daily process.

He is sleeping now as he will be getting up early to drive back to UT. His day shift starts at 5 so he has gotten used to getting up early. My sleep habits are beyond bizarre..even before I went crazy. I got a 3 hour nap today..so I am good. I hate that he is leaving tomorrow. He hates it too, and so do the kids. The only bonus is it is a short rotation so he will be back in a week.

My mind imploded and my soul shattered. That sounds like the lyrics to a  rock song. LOL..the reality of it, not so funny..it bit, hard. My central core has been coming back into place, every day just a bit more here and there. It is different though, and very hard to put into words. I am forever altered by this. I did have help along the way. I am eternally grateful to those people/friends, my family and husband who have helped see me through so much of it. The ones who continue to help have been beyond the greatest treasure. The rest has been up to me...and "god"..yeah ok.

I have said I re-made myself. Yep, more times than I care to  admit to..some of these life changes weren't so tough, some I faced..and dealt with. Most of it, I ran way and then worked on transformation. That is what made this such a mess. I ran away and didn't resolve or face my problems, just went to a place where they weren't an issue. Avoidance and denial, the first sign (?) of an addictive problem. When everyone else around you is saying, "Whoa! What the hell are you doing/thinking/acting?" It is a good bet you have a problem with something.

I knew I had problems, still do. Got to add doesn't everybody? My reality was already under considerable strain and cracking way before I fell apart completely. Getting myself and my family back together has/is been the hardest and most worthwhile project I have taken on in a long time. My specific problems I will elaborate on another day.

 The thing is..there is help out there. Whether you feel the need to talk to me, or need a referral to people I know..or just talk with your own friends, counselors, doctors, ministers..you are not on your own. You are also not as crazy as you think you are or might be. You don't have to admit it to the world as I have, the stigma's are incredible, but changing. But do try to find help if you need it. It will be worth every ounce of shame, regret, guilt to actually get some answers and find your inner peace.

The next level? Fixing yourself first, and sharing that..or just giving other's the consideration you normally wouldn't think of. Somebody who is truly depressed isn't just going to "snap" out of it. An alcoholic isn't able to control the desire to drink without major support and self-awareness. An obsessive-compulsive with an addiction to chaos, internally or without, isn't going to become sane overnight. The list can go on-and-on.

 Remember that every ones path is their own, if you found salvation through God or another process congrats to you! That doesn't mean that your answer will fit John, or Charlie, or Loretta..or whoever...(the names are examples and nobody I know) they can use your help, but they have to find their own answer.

 I am on more prescription drugs now then when I actually used. I find this incredibly annoying, they fuzz my mind more. But for now are a necessity, otherwise I slip into a pit of despair or a euphoric high with a revolving door between the two. My doc tells me I may reach a point where I won't need the 'scrips'. :-) Reality bites at times, but is so worth it. The more you try to run away from it, the more it will come back around and bite back harder...and harder every time. For me anyway, lolol. Thanks for listening, have a wondrous day and TTYAL.

 

A "Quickie"

Sometimes short and sweet does the trick.. Just a note to my readers that I am alive and ok. I have my husband home, which just makes me smile. He has always been my balance. He leaves in 2 days, which I try to not think about.

My daughter sees a therapist Monday. Yes, crazy does run in the family..she's depressed and almost 13,  I posted her music on FB. What a positive response, Still don't know what to do with her ...find her a music teacher?

My son, is the pickiest eater on the planet..and I will complain more about that later.

To TC, who I doubt reads this, huh? Didn't understand your message..sigh

To all my friends and reader's have a great Valentine's day weekend, if you are without a special someone ..remember to celebrate love..stole that from my girlfriend.

Next Level..quick and sweet, you don't have to take all day to do a good deed. A smile. a cheery tone, even a wave suggests that we are not alone. Somebody wants to connect with us..spread it around..it will feel wonderful. TTYAL, LOVE Laura

What's For Dinner?

It is past the time I should be planning something for dinner. I don't care today..LOL. I will try to keep this light and cheery, but probably won't happen. Hopefully I will end up on a positive note.

I am angry today, pissed off, ticked, furious..emotions just raging to the roof and beyond. I am somewhat sick, have been running a fever on and off..slept through most of my morning. Everything is irritating me. My kids are sick also, and have been home all day. They slept most of the morning and woke up for lunch. Which ended up me making PB&J ...and ham for me..which, of course, my daughter had to have part of my  sandwich. I have to remind them to clean up their plates. Sigh, Mommy mode..listening to them practise bells, an electric piano and a percussion drum..oh hell no! done.

Making appointments, Renee's new counselor..of course she will have to miss school..great. Talking to the assistant's machine, yes the doc gave me a referral for a heart doc..and I lost the paper..call me?
Oops, wrong number..click., on-line rebate has expired while my printer took a dump..50 dollars out now..ouch! Talking to the pharmacy's machine, oops got 1 re-fill, have to go through the whole menu for another one.(*sigh) Insurance on line plan..oh hell I give up reading this crap..call me and tell me what form and how much it covers..therapy may be over sooner than next week. I hate talking on the phone, unless it is with a friend about something that actually matters. I only talked to one real person through that whole process.

This is my life...and today it sucks. The anger? I am mad that my kids are sick, mad that I am too..mad that I have friends who have small sicknesses like me and the kids today. I am even madder and sadder that some of them have cancer, or diabetes, or are facing death or other diseases/injuries. I am so mad that they have to endure pain/suffering, medical mysteries personally or for their loved ones. The best I can do is pray for them and send kind words. It just sure doesn't seem adequate.

Anger that I am stuck here, in a house that never want to clean itself and grows weeds in its rocks. That plants here die without a crazy watering system...that costs money and is easy to screw up. The weeds have it figured out...they thrive. I am so angry that I have no place to go, and no one to talk to in person. I have burdened enough of my fb friends with my issues, they have real lives and more normality. I am so not normal, never have been, never will be. I am a weed...a prickly, thorny Arizona one now...that will ooze sap if you try to pull it and make you bleed if you don't have gloves and will re-grow after you do anyway. Hah!

I want to run away(where?) or get messed up(with what?) been there, done that..knowing the next morning always comes. I am fed up with letting my obsessions rule me..no contact..my choice, not as some strange threat from someone who wants the whole world as a friend. But, who doesn't really have any idea how to be one. Am I crazy? Oh hell yeah, way off the deep end sometimes. But, it is now my choice to choose and the answer is not only no, but hell no, never. Get the freak out of my head..and my life..all you brought me was pain and shame. Truth may set you free... but hell the ride costs. I HAVE PAID THOSE DUES AND WILL CONTINUE TO PAY THEM.. Stay sober, my non-friend and watch out for the crazies..they might get you. Wishing you all the best for your continued success, lol. But, hmm...so not my business or problem, never was and never will be again. eff that! Your loss...not mine.

What? Sorry about the above, I had to let some of it out. I 'spark' on some people, and they end up being super special, the friends that i was always meant to find and have. Every 10 years or so, I fixate on someone..obsess..stalk..it is awful for me and them...or wondrous...for us both. The hard part is feeling so out of control ..I scare people. I scare myself sometimes, too. Lately it has been way too often. To my other friend who helped me, I am sorry I wasn't what you thought I was. No more respect? Yeah, I noticed that and passing the buck. That's why I have to rely on my own respect.  Everybody else's just doesn't last...or isn't strong enough. Nobody can "save" me but me..but thanks for listening and caring.

I am still so angry, angry that I hoped for more than what any of this turned out to be.  I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions, good and bad, override my common sense and erode away so much of my stability. Angry, for the moment at the past, present and future, not for just pain and despair..but for the promise of hope, love and peace. That hurts more when you realize your dreams are just dreams, and the next step?

The next level is letting go of the past, bit by bit. It is also holding on to your dreams of the future, but not letting yourself drift away with it. It is dealing with the present now. The anger focuses me and gives me energy. I got a lot done once I stopped fighting it. Maybe this is the 'wrong' way to deal, but it is kind of  the only solution I have.

"Highly emotive empath?" I feel people's emotions plus my own. We all do..mother's with children, actor's with an audience, a server with a customer, a salesman with a client..etc. I can also project my emotions back to people. Again, we all do..when we boo at a stadium or clap for a rousing speech, or even say thank you and mean it. This ability is highly tuned for me, as an addict, as a child-abuse survivor, as a server, as a mom and wife, as a reader...or writer. I hallucinated and almost passed out at the first concert I ever went to..overload. I make people uncomfortable with too much feedback sometimes, so I try to spread it around to a larger audience.

Being a recovering addict is way more than just not using if you want to be something better. My dad is a dry alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 50? some years..God and fanaticism replaced his booze. His God is also a complete a-hole. I consider my own "God" somewhat of a jerk at times. I feel everybody has to find their own answers to that question, and live with it in their own way.

My message from God  from FB today:

"that everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world. Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world."

Anger is just so easy, compassion and forgiveness..(*sigh)

So for dinner, Max ended up making his ravioli's almost all by himself and I heated up Campbell's bean and bacon soup for Renee and me..a bit of soup and a salad. Ok, if any of my ex- Denny's friends read this part they will laugh. My salad, some sad ice burg lettuce, carrots, celery, green onion, feta cheese, black beans, Hunt's tomato sauce (spiced Mexican style with jalapeno, chili pepper,lime juice and cumin) and nacho cheese Doritos. It was actually kind of good, really. LOLOL

Thanks for listening and letting me vent, my therapy. Try to forgive yourself today for something, use the anger, don't let it use you. TTYAL

A Day in the Life of a ....

Today has been a day in frustration...so not good. I woke up too early, with a headache and a crazy jumpy puppy. Instead of cleaning up the small kitchen mess from last night, went to Face Book. I am an addict..and I am starting to hate it. The fact that I am addicted irks me. I have to say I don't hate any of my friends. Quite the opposite, I really love/like the ones I know. Too much? No, I don't think so..but then I am not always sane either. Shazbot!

Got my son off to school, showered, grumpy but with a better than his usual breakfast. He doesn't want to go to school much anymore, especially on Mondays. My daughter who was sick yesterday, finally got showered and dressed, and took her temperature..back to sub-normal. She looked okay, complained about not wanting to go and disappeared. She never ever wants to go to school, ever. I warned her she needed to leave to catch the bus, and we got into a fight. She hates school and is doing very poorly at it. She claimed she was still sick, which I disagreed with. When I insisted she had to go, she left..slamming door mad.

I was supposed to be making doctor appointments and checking insurance payments. Did get the dentist snafu straightened out and then couldn't find any of the papers I needed. Panic mode..still no after tearing up the whole house, so what do I do?

I face-booked, but of course! (see addict) I have said before that it is impossible to explain FB to someone who doesn't do it. I resolved a major ongoing issue I  have had with the help of a great friend.  I e-mailed some of my goals and frustrations to another friend, said Happy B-day, played music, got some inspiration, and art, plus an economic update..checked in with some other friends to see how they are doing, more stuff and then..got a call from the school. My daughter hadn't shown up for school..really? (*sigh)

I had a slight panic knowing she wasn't home, but knew..she was still at the bus stop. A doorbell ring later and a really nice guy has my daughter at the door. Oh! Renee..she had missed the bus again and was very unsure as to what she should do..for 3 hours. We hugged and I sent her to bed, her fever was back again and then called the school. A child with Asperger's doesn't always think straight, and it scares me. Not even so much that she waited so long at the bus stop, but that it was "okay" to get in a strange man's car..the bus stop is only around the corner. We will have a talk about it tomorrow. Of course, my son is furious that she got to stay home. The joys of raising kids!

 Being a parent? I was never given the rulebook, or manual, they didn't come with directions. My own childhood experiences? Um. no. hell no. It has been the hardest and best thing I have ever done, being a mom. I screw it up pretty much daily..and also redeem myself too, sometimes. My son played his bells, for me, he is really doing well since switching to percussion. Renee played her original song for me at one point, it is so hauntingly beautiful..she keeps adding stuff. My crazy daughter plays by ear and has had her electric piano for 2 months..I am so going to tape her soon. She hasn't given me permission yet. She works on this daily, and was frustrated that she doesn't have a new song yet.

The next level? That I took a gigantic step today, by blocking an obsession that has been plaguing me. What a release of so much pressure, knowing in my heart that it is the right thing to do. Loving my daughter, son, husband and crazy puppy. I chased him around tonight for about 20 minutes. It is hysterical. The puppy, not the husband...lolol. He is still working in another state for 2 more days.

Time tomorrow for some of the things I didn't get done today..timers for FB again..it is an outer control for when you don't have internal control..sort of like an alcoholic pouring out his booze. I will gain control..have before, and can do it again. It takes work and persistence and love and laughter of what is important to me. Thanks for listening..TTYAL

Go Team! Whichever One Wins?

The Packer's won the Super Bowl, I suppose I should be excited, I kind of am, but not really. I am happy for all my friends who are Packer fans..especially my son. He's 11 and was born and raised in WI...he was worried at one point in the game. His comment, "Mom, I won't be able to go to school tomorrow if the Packer's lose." I found that amusing. He has also told me that he won't go to school if the the outside temp drops below 40 degrees. They cancel outside recess if it does. This I also find amusing and exasperating as he went to school and recess with sub-zero temps in WI. I pointed out that maybe people here in AZ aren't dressed for it. He retorted that his sister walks outdoors between classes, she is in Middle school. Hmm..valid point. He still has to go to school, recess is his favorite part.

I love my kids, can't even describe how much, but don't always like them. My daughter has a lot of issues, she has Asperger's, teen attitude, hormones, acne, depression..the list goes on-and-on. Plus, as she points out quite a bit, I am her mother. LOLOL, very valid point. With my husband gone so much, the parenting falls on me. I resent this quite a bit. I don't use physical punishment, any more..that is a story for another day.

 As a child I was abused physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually..and it always was that way, until I left at age 19 for the last time..I have not returned to the house I lived in since. My parents are both still alive, I talk to them as rarely as possible. I have seen them numerous times since then, and my Dad even walked me down the aisle for my wedding. I find them appalling for the most part, even though I do love/hate them. They are 2 very messed up people, with pasts that are scarier than mine. I talk to my therapist about this stuff..finally. Avoidance can only be used so much.

I always point out here that I was never sexually abused. I have met and am friends with people who were. I always hold them in the highest respect. That they can survive that and still function and live and love, so can I. The only sexual abuse in my life is what I did to myself...learning to forgive myself and move on is a harder task.

Yowza, this is getting grim, my apologies...sorry.

This blog is part of my therapy, I share and let it out. That I am doing it publicly? I have written journals on and off all my life..it just ended up making me feel I was talking to myself. If anyone finds help or inspiration from my stories? That would be incredibly fulfilling for me..wow! TMI for anyone else? Nobody is forcing you to read this..so whatever. I also have things I will share and not, either because I am not ready, it involves other's or it isn't anybody's business except mine.

Where did I start? Oh, yeah.. GO PACK! I cheered the Packers on to victory in their last Super Bowl win, and no I don't know what year it was. They had almost won it the year before. I wore the shirts and was a fan, and was very excited, even though I know crap all about football. I did the same thing for the Bears when they won the Super Bowl too..in my 20's. It was incredible and fun and then, done. I love the emotion of true fans, even though I don't understand what they are talking about more than 1/2 the time. I nod a lot..lolol.

I am a highly-sensitive emotive empath. A WHAT?? LOLOL..I'll explain that tomorrow, maybe, or the next day. I am going to bed now...getting too tired to see straight.

The next level, whew! You never know what is going on in someone else's life, you can guess or assume but unless you lived in their shoes...their lives, their pain, their joys..you don't know shit. So why are you judging them or feeling superior..or giving them pity? Which is a way worse sin to me. Everybody is a human being, treat them like one. Not how you want to be treated, but how they need or want to be treated. The "Golden Rule" upped a bit to the next level. Yeesh, I am tired and crabby..sleep!

Thanks for listening..ttyal. :-)!

Balance is more than just not falling over

I guess I am writing every day. I have too much on my mind to post on FB..that is face book...for anyone who doesn't know me. LOL I had somebody ask me once to list all my addictions, past and present. Besides the ususals(drugs, sex, alchol) I still ended up with at least 10 e-mails, with multiple lists...yeah. I am an addict.

We are all addicts or at least born that way. WHAT? You disagree..you may be right but just hang on for a while. We are born as humans, completely helpless..we need food/water, shelter/clothing, and human care/love. The first two pairs are obvious, the last ? It has been proven over and over again that human touch is a need, not just a want. Babies need to be cuddled.

There are a few exceptions to this, autistic babies have the need, it is just too overwhelming for them. My daughter has Asperger's, so I do know a bit about that. She had severe colic and allergies for 6 months, plus she started teething at 3 months. She also had multiple ear infections, and was given amoxicillin, a lot. She reacted to everything, ibuprofen, tylenol, amoxicillin, ora-gel. One very unhappy baby and new parents that went a bit cuckoo. She did not want to be held, though she loved attention, but the only real relief was an electric bouncing chair, a swing, white noise, car rides at times, and benadryl, plus trial and error finding a formula she wasn't allergic too. Finding out at age 5 that she was allergic to the dye they put in the meds and not the meds themselves. Priceless.

So we all start out as addicts, and we find other things we like, not just need but like/love. Candy/sweets, toys, games, etc..and we stop at nothing to get what we desire..terrible 2's LOL. It is me..me..me ...I want...want...want. By 3-5 we have learned how to manipulate, bargain, and lie. We also hopefully start learning that there are other people in this world, sharing, love, consequences. Finally, we get that we can't always get what we want when we want it. There are people who know a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

Nicotine actually rewires your brain pathways, forever. I think for certain people, other chemicals do  the same thing for them..this is why  recovered alcoholics can't drink, or etc. for all those other "pleasure" drugs. They say marijuana isn't addictive, LOLOL for certain people it damn sure is..ask any pothead. I was one, still miss it. Alchol gets me drunk, I have no tolerance for it now. But I never know how I am going to react to it. I can get violently physically ill from a few sips or a whole bottle, blinding headaches, nausea, vomiting... or just get buzzed. In my 30's it started if I way indulged...OMG my hangovers started lasting 3 to 7 days, that's not just feeling bad, with extreme prejudice I used to call it. I finally gave up! I drink maybe once or twice a year at most, now and it has to taste good. I only have 1 or maybe 2 glasses..of whatever...and no desire to push it.

 I drank alcohol in my later 20's every day, and got high too if I could. The more wasted the better, I actually craved the taste of beer, or rum, or tequila knowing that at some point while I was drinking I would go throw up.. go eat something..and drink more. I never turned down getting high or a free drink..that was what I wanted. I was wasted every day on something for about 5 years...never got a DUI, or arrested, or any STD's. I had a lot of crazy fun, and met friends that I still love with my whole heart always. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's and went to school full-time at DeVry..where I met my present husband...near the end of this...when life became such a hell that I couldn't escape from it no matter how much I "used".

Now, I am fighting some of those cravings and addictions full-force, again... on-and-off and the emotional high/ lows..the meds I am on help. The people I talk to, my husband, number 1 and other friends... plus my kids, and now just 1 paid therapist. Every day is a challenge to keep my balance and recover it when I do fall over..which I do. Every day I seem to get back more of myself.  Yey, "we can make it better, stronger, faster.." OMG-LOL.

The next level, I am not to sure about..caffeine, nicotine, facebook..my present addictions plus a few others..chocolate! Living in reality, dealing with laundry, groceries, housework, cooking, a puppy, kids and being alone with very little money to play with...and nowhere to go. I need a job! Anyone hiring? LOLOL..have a great day and thanks for listening.

Wet Mud

"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

 This was a post from a new friend from my Face book..so sweet! We are all more..it isn't a+b= x-y   not for life. The equation, which I am sure there is one.. is so complex and out of  our range of scope ...and is constantly changing and evolving. That's why I love the music, music is mathematical, but also very very human and filled with the sound of the world we live in. Even hearing-impaired people can feel it...especially a live performance.

I worked at the Rosemont for a little while, not that much fun really, our beer stand had a bad location under the stairs. I had to laugh at all the people though, the fact that a Sinatra concert had the majority of the crowd take the elevator...for 1 floor and everyone wanted wine, instead of beer. That a Queensryche concert gave us a 1 beer minimum..it was ususally 4(?)..and a personal cop checking IDs. They went up the stairs 2 at a time or more..lol or down the banister and into the wall. That a concert, didn't know the group.. for Mexican-Americans brought more people with familia dressed in the craziest clothes I have ever seen and the best tip money ever..with the nicest manners and biggest enthusiasm. The band rocked..!

You remake yourself piece by piece every day, sometimes large..I am NOT going to jump off this bridge, sometimes small..I am going to build a leggo bridge with my toddler..so he can knock it over again and again. He laughs every single time, and in a few more years he won't remember..but he will know your laugh. A small bit of music he has heard and associates with fun, excitement and love.

 Problems, mistakes, choices...we all screw up. Sometimes we don't get caught and get away with it, sometimes our best deeds are unintentional. I smiled at the little old lady not because she was sweet, which she was... but because I had just found 20 bucks..mine, mine, mine. That maybe was the only smile she had gotten for weeks, and cheered her for days..who knows?

I re-made myself..from where I started..and re-made myself again...and again..and again..not changing the whole me, but trying to find a me I could look at and accept, respect, like. I did okay, far from perfect, but okay..now I am finding ways to integrate all those past selves into one whole person without the fear, or embarrassment, or stigma's. LOL, and still keep a sense of humor about the journey and the process..

The next level? I am not giving too many details yet, there are other people I still protect. But as a whole or for me, it doesn't take much effort to smile on purpose, to stop looking at your watch, to look at a sunset, to forgive the old lady at Wal-greens who can't scan 2 items without getting confused..to eat a healthy salad, go for a walk, to turn off the TV, X-box, Wii, etc and give your kids a hug..they will not reciprocate. lol, yet. Paying it forward and sideways..never knowing where it might lead. You are more than.. aren't we all?

the next day after the next..

I am really quite tired and not even feeling that great. I should just go to bed, but knowing I won't stay asleep for very long is frustrating. Walking upsatirs to a queen-sized bed by myself always intensifies my loneliness. Today while not good or even great was better than yesterday, yesterday was bad.

Loneliness and depression are always companions. Somebody said the other day that they could never understand the depths of despair deep enough to want to kill themselves. I have faced that despair every single day of my life since I can remember. It, for the most part now, is usually a quick flash/ idea.. a joke to myself that I don't share. I can find it amusing, most would be horrified.

I wrote that last night and got about 5 hours of sleep, today I have gotten quite a bit accomplished. Kids off to school, washed, and fed..LOL. Puppy fed, watered, drugged....you have NO IDEA..he takes care of his own business. I just love the doggy door. Showered, dressed..though could have shaved the legs, if I hadn't left the razor outside the shower. Made lunch, brought in garbage cans, cleaned dishes, put away stuff, laundry. Talked to the hubby on the phone..:-) Face booked, but of course!

Nap time..the kids have early dissmissal every Wed. Hate it..also hate that the friend that blocked me is now out of my life for good. It still makes me exteremly sad/depressed, but resigned. It was all an obsession on my part. Trying to force a connection that he never wanted any part of. Was it because he was so against it that I became so crazy? Don't know, don't get it at all, and this is my mind and my actions we are talking about. I guess that is at least one reason I need a therapist. Now that the glue is starting to stick again and I feel more like myself..whew! I am the sanest crazy person I know..or LOLOL vice-versa.

Will talk again soon, not even sure why I am writing this for or to who..but thanks for listening whoever you are. Bye for now.

Be Wise - wikiHow

Be Wise - wikiHow somehow just not 'techno' enough to get this link to work (*sigh)..awesome article..