"hello, darkness my old friend.."

Writer's block? No. I just have been so sad and frustrated lately that I don't want to subject any one else to it. It is my own fault. I know this, but I feel that I am stumbling around. Like when it is dark in a room, and someone else is sleeping, you grope around trying to find the door without turning on a light. You don't want to wake them up, shhhh..

I manage to trip over or stumble into things even when the lights are on. With the darkness comes mystery, everyday objects are transformed by shadows. The parts you touch are confusing till you can figure out what it is. That is, oh.. a door, where the heck is the knob?

I have worked at exposing my fears and trying to conquer them all my life. So many things that terrified me, I managed to turn around and make them into something familiar and comforting. Darkness. I was the kid that had to have every light on in the room I was in, I had a nightlight and flashlights till my folks figured out I was reading with them. My window faced the streetlight, so my room never got fully unlit. I was always amazed when I went to other friends houses, how dark it could be.

Then, I went camping. northern Wisconsin or Michigan woods is pitch black. It felt strange to reassure others that they were okay. When other people are afraid, it turns my own terror into a very peaceful calm. I am really not sure why. My kids can pick up when I am scared better than anyone. I wish they hadn't.

I am exhausted today, as it seems so much that I always am. blah..I miss my cigarettes quite often. I am still doing good and I don't want to smoke for so many reasons. I do miss the jolt. I think it is hard and easier to live with someone who smokes as well. Sometimes I crave it when my hubby steps out, especially if we have company. The smell on his clothes and breath at other times is nauseating. I used to smell like that? ugh.

There is so many other things I could talk about, but I am going to go sleep, now. I am so glad this year is almost over. It has been brutal. I have higher hopes for the New Year, or the end of the world..lol.

I'm Thinking..

Wow! I am such a dork at times. The other night I crashed and burned. I hate when I weep, it makes me all congested and my face gets all blubbery and swollen. Why? It was all a mishmash combination of being sick, watching a sad/happy movie and being in the house with two kids and a dog. It is worse in a way than being totally alone. The kids for the most part ignore me and vice-versa, unless we need something from each other.

I feel responsible for them as the adult and mother. I also feel guilty that I don't have funner things to do with them. The dog? For at least three hours a night he is in naughty mode. He has too much energy. I should take him for a walk, but I haven't. There is so many other things I should be doing, but no. I do as bare minimum as I can accept and finally sleep.

The next day goes by a bit better. I hate when my hubby works nights. I know. I am thankful he has a job, that pays well. I am also grateful that he does work so hard to provide for me and the kids. I just miss him. I am a loner who has spent way too much time alone. I feel like I am going to burst open, the crying jag is like a relief valve on a pressure cooker.

I have my facebook friends and other things to play with. I indulged in way too much coffee and Halloween chocolate. At least I finally got some blankets and sheets washed and dried. I don't know.

I realize I am going to have to do more to start my weight/loss fitness. I have done it alone by choice voluntarily before, and unintentionally also. I can not do this by myself this time. I know this, feel it. I have been going around in circles with it and going nowhere fast. It doesn't help to yell at myself, be mad or sad, either. I loved an article I read today that pointed out that folks think that what works for them works for everybody. Um,no..

I am finally starting to feel better. It is about d**n time. I am laughing at myself again. I get sick of my own whining. I have been trying to put things into perspective. I am trying to figure out where I am going to put the groceries I just bought. I did use my coupons this time. The problem here is I really don't have a whole lot of storage space. This is where I flip-flop on what is going in my head. I should be happy that I have too much food, rather than not enough or none. Of course, it would also be sweet to be so wealthy that you have someone else do the shopping, cooking and cleaning. Can you imagine?

The movie I watched tonight was kind of stupid, really. It was kind of a mix of Kill Bill, mixed in with Fahrenheit 451, and the Matrix movies. Equilibrium with Christian Bale, I enjoyed certain parts of it. I am not going to say anymore about it. You have to watch it for yourself. If you don't get my other references.. where have you been? I admit I have and always will be a science-fiction/fantasy nut. I started with the Wizard of Oz and went from there.

The problem I have been having lately is that I now I am stuck in the doldrums, and I am trying to get out. No wind..*sigh. I am trying to care about myself as much as I do for others and it is really difficult. Telling the critical voice in my head to shut it. I had a friend post the other day about how much effort you put into things. The point, unless I am wrong was to realize that we really don't try with all we have. I commented that it depended on what it was.

I am a bit of a perfectionist and it is stupid. I know it. I also understand why I am, and loathe that part of it, too. The thought if I was perfect and did everything right I wouldn't get punished. It wasn't my fault and it didn't work, but I am still stuck with this aspect of myself. I have to limit what I do and focus on, or I never get done with anything.

I am going to try to explain that easier. I have said that my hubby does better housework than me. It's true he does. He is much more consistent than I am, he gets a lot done. I do a better job than he does when I do clean. I am better than I used to be, but when I swept or vacuumed I moved all the furniture. When I reorganized one cabinet it became all of them, when I cleaned the fridge, it had to be spotless. This gets to be exhausting so instead I wouldn't do it at all.

I have to thank one of my cousin's for telling me about the cleaning program she uses. I can't follow it the way the lady sets it up, but it gave me a whole new insight into my housecleaning. It is better to do a little every day than a lot whenever. okay.

The last blog, me,me, me...hmm..

I have been feeling lately that I have lost my purpose and message, gone off-track and then realized. There isn't any rules to this at all. The one thing I don't want to do is hurt others, which I have. I am sorry. That really threw me for a loop.

I don't know, I am hoping that some of the things I say provide insight or understanding for each other. I have tried to explain how my mind works, and what I would love to see change. Understanding is the opposite of not just ignorance but helps reverse the wrongs we do to each other. Everybody is unique and different, the threads we weave through our actions, words and thoughts is what makes it worthwhile to be here.

Okay, I am going to stop now. I hope that I have given a positive message today, lol. Thanks for listening as always.

Me, me, me

Last night was the last meeting of my Asperger's/High-functioning Autism class. It was through the school district and was very informative and interesting. The ladies who taught the class were excellent. They both did a great job in how they presented everything. The only problem? I think because they work on the school part of the situation that they don't understand the parent's side. There was a lot of good stuff, most of it isn't applicable. Or at least I don't see where it is, yet.

The one part is that the therapy I got for Renee was the most difficult thing I could have done for her. I understand a lot more of her frustration and why she shuts down at times. I just wish I had better ways of getting her and her brother more (?) I don't have a word for it.

Parenting..the toughest job you will ever have..aargh!

Big shocker alert, neither of my kids are "normal", whatever that means. The one thing that has come out of all my efforts is that both my children have their own minds, and definite likes and dislikes. They aren't shy about that, either. If they don't like something, they will let you know. The part of normal I knew I wouldn't have was a girl who went to dances or dates, who dressed up and acted girly. I kind of expected the "nerdy" genius valedictorian.

My daughter is neither of those, and never was. What she will be? I can admit now I really have no clue. This is scary, but okay for now. I am trying to go with the flow and not micro-manage everything. It doesn't work, anyway. I know this, but it is so hard. I am back to whining now. LOL

I have been reading the blogs of a lady trying to lose weight  through diet and exercise. She is very inspiring. I also have other friends who are at different levels of exercise and fitness. From zero to infinity, I am closer to the sitting on my butt type. Some of my friends are marathoners, iron men or women..they are amazing. I am starting from slow, square 1again. My one friend says "no powders, no pills, no gimmicks"..I wish. The magic wand of health would be so so.. *sigh. I guess not.

I feel better tonight, and hope I can continue. I have been so exhausted. If there is a medical component to it, I think it is going to be multiple answers. If I can start eating healthier, sleeping regularly, and exercising I will start feeling more energetic. That is the plan. Procrastination..what am I waiting for?

This blog is about me, my life. My desire to not only be me, but the best possible me I can be. I hope I inspire those around me. Thanks for listening. No music, no quotes, no art today, no God talk either..I may add some later. TTYAL

That's what friends are for...

I am hot, burning up warm. I don't think I am sick. I am not sure why. Hot flashes? Maybe, as I am still taking a small dose of hormone therapy, but all day? I received bad news about a friend. I wasn't surprised but sad. He has to find his own will to continue moving forward. Nobody else can give him that. It hurts me to know he is in pain, though.

I am trying to decide what to do next. I still don't know. My kids are doing better. My hubby's schedule is going to improve a bit shortly. The end of the year is coming up fast. I love Halloween, Thanksgiving and some things about Christmas. I am also scheduled to see a marriage counselor, hmmm. yeah.

I have to confess that admitting you have been whacked out crazy is very freeing in a way. It becomes something you don't have to hide anymore or feel embarrassed about. Yes, I did totally lose my mind. I still have bits and pieces that float away and others that come back. My short term memories for details is shot. I poured water into the coffee maker and then forgot and filled it again. Ooops! I didn't notice until later, when I discovered water all over my counter. Crap.

Small things that add up, I write things down a lot as my brain wants to change things around. Wrong date, wrong location, wrong time, I have learned I can't trust myself with these things. My hubby thinks it is the meds I am on. I am quite sure they are a contributing factor, but I have always had this..it is just worse.

The dental work is done for my kids. Three small cavities filled, not so bad. The eye doctor is next, seeing if either kid needs glasses yet. Then, a medical doctor for my daughter for her severe acne. She is cursed with that mess from both sides of the family. The boy hasn't quite hit that point yet.

Why did I have kids again? LOL.''I love them always" can't help it. I don't always like them, but for the most part they are good kids, really. I am not the greatest mother, either. I have my "mother of the year" moments and then "drag them under the bus"  episodes. Sometimes with in the same 15 minutes..'tis true. I think most parents can relate.

One thing that does bother me is when folks say their whole life is their kids. Um, no..call me selfish, but no. If, something happened to either one of them or both I would lose a giant chunk of myself. I have told both of them that neither one can die before me. I am not sure how I would continue after that. I try not to think about it.

But, while all the above is true, I had a life and love before them, and I will have a life and love during their raising and after..hopefully. A bonus with the last years therapy was that it opened up a communication between me and my kids. They had told me I never really talked about myself or being a kid. True. Now that I have told the whole world, it is a bit easier in person.

My therapist told me, and I have mentioned it before.  You know when you are healed when you can tell your own story. I am still working on it, so many secrets. I have had a lot of advice since writing this. One friend warned me to not to admit to too much as I may regret it. That is true in a way, it has changed my life. Another friend told me I had balls of steel. Aye carumba! No. Another told me that some things are better left unremembered and forgotten. That may be very true. There is things I flash on, but just quite don't remember. This can be a blessing.

I realize I have not been trying very hard at anything, lately. Just trying to stay afloat. I can be very mean/ harsh with myself and my kids. I do regret that. I wished in a way when they got their dna mix from me and my hubby that they would also take some of our experiences too. Nope. I have tried to protect them at the same time as I try to get them ready to face the world on their own. I am glad their dad is in the here and now with them. It helps so much.

I have things to do tomorrow, appointments to set up, kids to school, all my usual fun tasks of taking care of my house and family. My refrigerator is bursting from being filled with so much food. Tomorrow, I will wage war on it. Divide and conquer and throw away the refuse...lol.

I was deeply touched by all who answered my prayer request for a friend in need. thank you. I add my own prayer. "God, you know who I am thinking of, I know you have a plan for them. I know they also have choices, please help them and let them know they are not alone in this world. They are loved. thank you."

My mind is whirling around and I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. it is 1am and I need to try to sleep. Thanks for listening and I'll talk to you all later.

Thank you mess..it is a great page. The link is above on the picture, I own no rights to it. I am a mess also, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yes, No, Maybe..

This was on my facebook wall. I read it once, then again, and I downloaded it and finally got it to copy onto here. I have reread it again. I am still laughing because my mind seems to want to slip off this.

Don't promise when you are happy, this is especially true for me in relationships with people. The one advantage to being "older" than I was, has been learning things. I don't promise the moon to anyone anymore, because I know I will not be able to deliver it. Other things have been harsher lessons..."never say never". As an addict I recognize when I am on top of the world feeling grand and it is so easy to lie to myself and believe it. "I will never do that again" for me is a setup for failure. Eventually my mind will sneak around and find a way for me to do what I swore would never happen. Sometimes this is a good thing, as I thought I would never quit smoking. Other times, oh bad, bad, bad.

The best I can do with this is say I am not going to do this today, because I really have decided I don't want to. It isn't good for me. This brings to mind when my Catholic friends would give up something for Lent. Some would make it so hard on themselves, they actually picked a habit or item that they loved or were addicted to. I am giving up coffee or swearing. Some of them would make it and some of them didn't. I didn't judge this and still don't. I found the whole process fascinating.

Others would choose things that were so silly or easy for them. I am not wearing purple for a month, or I am not eating any liver, which they loathed. This always made me laugh, as some got very very silly. I did have one non-Catholic friend in high school who always gave up something for Lent. She would laugh and then admit that it was good for her. She usually did very well with it as she picked little things she felt she needed to work on.

She could also, keep up her new habit much more easily than others with the stricter goals. The coffee drinker, for instance, if they made it through the whole time period, would go drown themselves in it for weeks after. Their usage would actually go up, sometimes it would level out later and sometimes not.

I find this all fascinating. What motivates people? What strategies work for them?.. I like knowing why people tick or tock. Everybody has their own unique ways, but there is still trends in this.

"Don't reply when you are angry." There is a yes/no to this. I have said things when I was angry that I have regretted. Oh my, yes. I also have had the right to be angry at times, and let it be known. Other times, I bottled it up and never said anything. The best bet at times is to cool off and then try to explain calmly why you are so mad. Anger is such an easy emotion for me to have, I have used it on purpose throughout my life to get through things. Most of my jobs have required physical effort, anger gives me power. The hard part was learning to choke it down, or get past it. Life isn't fair. The anger at yourself, self-loathing..*sigh. I am still learning to forgive myself for my faults and others for theirs, every single day.

We are human. At least I think I am, my brother used to tell me I was hatched. It was horrible to me as he would call me Laura Egg. I wrote my e's backwards for a time. He recently was very ill and is now recovering. I laugh now, brothers..he also said I was a tender soul. That was sweet. He's a goof.

Don't decide when you are sad. Yes, no, maybe..If I hadn't decided to leave school when I did, I wouldn't be with my husband. It is hard to say what my future would have been instead. I might have graduated, but I can say at the time my lifestyle was killing me. I think this saying is meant to help us realize that we shouldn't react emotionally to a rational dilemma.

I do talk to my God, and the answers are not always what I wanted, or what I expected. Sometimes this is rational, but mostly felt in my soul. I can feel when I am doing right at times. The reverse is true, when you know it is bad. Talking in anger? Unless you are a saint, there has been at least one moment in your life where you have said or done things. Yes. The worst for me now was when I yell(ed) at my kids.

 There are a few people in my life I hate. I don't like hating, though it is easy to do. Forgiveness? ...for myself and others is my level this week. Forgiveness isn't forgetting, but is releasing me from my hate, that is my emotion. It doesn't hurt them at all. It isn't good for me, so I am learning to let it go.

Thanks for listening. ttyal.

So for this, yes, no, maybe..is that an answer? For me it is.

g'night, g'morning, g'day

Of course, I am not sleeping when I am supposed to be. I am kind of tired, but not the I-am-ready-to- crash kind of tired. I will feel this in the morning, I get up early to get the kids off. I usually sneak back to bed after they have left. I have the cabinet design lady coming. I wish my hubby was going to be here. He is the one with the ideas of what he wants to look like. I don't care. Okay, I take that back. I do care, this kitchen is so stupidly designed it is bonkers. I think it could be gutted and redone. I wish I had that kind of money.

Right now I am in a trial mode of seeing what works for me and what doesn't. I am communicating with my kids so much better. I am not as frustrated as I used to be. My hubby still works too much, but having him  here to talk to and see for a little while is way better than none at all or over the phone. He gets frustrated with the kids differently then I do. We balance each other out. Renee (knock on wood ) is doing way better than she was. She is still fighting depression and loneliness. I think this move has been positive so far. A step in the right direction, as she is in a school where not only do they know what Asperger's is but have trained personnel who know how to deal with it. Bonus.

I am not going to say a lot tonight. Tomorrow I get to ride my bike again and/or take Jack for a walk/jog(ish) . I am really out of shape. It makes me feel so much better when I just go do it. It is amazing how many excuses I can come up with to not go outside...or downstairs. I have always found basements creepy. I watched a movie when I was a kid about monsters living in the basement and they were after this girl.  They of course succeeded in making her one of them, ugh. My sibs made fun of me about this. I always had to have the lights on downstairs and still do. Just because a fear isn't rational, doesn't make it any less of a fear.

Plus, not trying to get all spooky on you all, but there is a lot of things still unexplained in this world. Once we start figuring out different things, we find out how much we don't even know. The stresses of modern life, I feel sorry for my kids with that, but also a little jealous. They will get to see so many cool and new advances.

Y-a-w-n..time for me to go snooze. thanks for listening. I changed the color of the type as I heard it was hard to read. I hope this helps. I hit some weird button just a bit ago which shrunk this whole page I am typing on. I hope it posts normal size. LOL, I have such strange worries and problems.

 I have a family member who has been very ill. So far so good, but it has been very scary. I am not identifying them by name, as i didn't ask their permission to post this but can you all wish them well or offer up a few prayers? Thanks so much, and thanks for reading this. I have other friends on a list that keeps getting longer. One very special little girl has made it to her 1st birthday. This makes me feel so incredibly happy.

My other friends are going through so much turmoil, medical, financial,spiritual..etc. I pray and offer them hope and a ray of sunshine. I love to make them laugh or groan, and forget about their troubles for awhile. It is sweet sweet music to me. To my friends who took care of me during my travels, thank you so much.  I am so lucky to be me and where I am today. Good night all.

clouds

TTYL..

Hi..

Hi, yeah..I am still here, I am really not sure why. I have been so tired. I slept yesterday almost around the clock and the day before and..not sure before that. I probably had insomnia instead, or heartburn which ends up in insomnia. My head is a mushy mess of randomness. This affects more than just writing, I have to really remind myself what day it is.

My hubby works too much. He works too much and too often, then he comes home and does more work. Today it was picking up dog poo and mowing. I don't mow grass, not because I can't. I prefer not to. I am allergic to grass and hay, it makes me itch and I break out in hives. I went on a hayride as a teenager, oh boy that was not good. I would make an incredibly lousy farmer.

I had the thought that I don't have any hecklers or get angry e-mails, or get much feedback from this at all. What comments I do get have all been from people I know. With one exception, they have all been sweet. The exception wasn't even mean, just 1/2 and 1/2. The bonus was it was truly an honest opinion. Okay. I can deal with that. I am not trying to piss people off. I am just striving to sort out my own tangle of thoughts and my life. I think folks can relate or if they don't they just move on and/or shake their heads.

Oh, I forgot, for awhile I got guys who were trying to hook up with me. Delete. That was easy. It didn't even make me feel bad. I need another project or job or something. I had to laugh in a way as I have had so many people who dream about not having to work make comments. I miss work. I love having a job away from home, with people. Even my worst jobs were better than staying at home. I miss having my own money, too.

The reasons I don't work. Number one is because I owe a massive amount of money for school loans that I have never been able to repay. I waited tables for so many years so the government couldn't garnish my wages. At tax time they take any return money and keep it, my hubby files an injured spouse form and they give him half back. Since I haven't been working, he gets to keep all of it. My whole plan was after my kids got big enough, and in school full-time I was going to work full time and start making payments. My boss screwed me over with that big time, she didn't like me much. Then there was the whole getting severely ill and paying for medical bills instead, fiasco. We just finally paid another (last) medical bill off from that time.

Now, I don't know.

I am so sick of housework and children...and children and housework. LOL..Jack has been okay. I haven't been walking him at all. I need to get back in the swing of things. I have appointments and a few places to go the next few days. This is good for me. It helps to get out and do things.

I don't know why but I still get random cravings for a cigarette. I am still good without. That is a big expense I can't afford. Medical, dental, prescriptions, therapy..even with insurance these things add up. I don't know how we are going to pay for Max's braces. I have gnarly teeth and wanted braces. I was already a social outcast with my clothes, my family, being overweight, wearing glasses, non-athletic and being smart...braces wouldn't have been a bad thing.

I am trying to find the positives, and lately it has been very difficult. I doubt I will publish this...if I did..I hope you will bear with me. Big breath, next step up, things to do tomorrow  to help my daughter, and my hubby and maybe me, Max and the dog, too. I pray for so many others, some are just a quick thought, others are more profound. Others are people I am trying to forgive, some just can't help themselves. I am sorry "you are an ass" really isn't what I am striving for. I try to be nicer, but God sure put some challenges out there.

I got to go crash, TTYAL..I probably won't be writing much or very often. I still feel I am talking to myself for the most part, even though the blogger site says I have readers all over the world. I hope that I have affected you in some way for the good. Thank you for listening.

No Yelling.

First off I have to say I had a wonderful time with my in-laws, my hubby's brother, his wife and their furry baby, a black Lab named Leeloo. Jack, our-not-so-evil puppy had to boss her around even though he is a quarter of her size. They are almost identical..even their eyes. Total opposite in temperaments, Jack's Chihuahua side won't let any dog lord it over him. He likes to be top dog. Leeloo was so easy going and sweet. She is also very well-trained. Jack, not so much..

I wish they could have stayed longer, but it is okay. They only live about an hour away. That is not far at all. For any of my foreign readers, that is by car. The buses and train systems in the US are all local in big cities. They really don't connect well at all. American's and their cars is nuts. We drive even when we can walk or bike. Not all of us and not all the time, but mostly. Inner city life is extremely different then suburban living. It is also very different if you are very rich or very poor.

I have a feeling I am going to get yelled at now. I don't feel good. It is more than just being tired all the time. I have been having mild chest discomfort on-and-off for weeks. It keeps getting worse not better and lasting longer. I know. I know. In my defense, I have to state that I had a complete work-up on my heart last year when my blood pressure was going whacko. I got to wear a monitor, had pictures taken of my heart before and after a treadmill run and had blood pressure taken at all different points.

They didn't find anything wrong except that I am obese and severely out-of-shape. I smoked then, too. I was supposed to do a tilt-table test but was maxed out financially. They gave me a steroid to take that I finally stopped using. It made my blood pressure soar. Whoops..not good. I hate going to doctors so much. They are expensive and really not all that helpful for the most part. I am a hypochondriac, with actual medical problems. The pain is most likely my lovely digestive system that is severely messed up.

Enough of all that, I think I can talk my hubby into maybe getting another dog now. I love rescuing shelter dogs. I want one a little older, trained and very easy-going and maybe a little bigger than Jack but not by much. He/she has to fit through the doggy door that will eventually be installed. My laundry chute will be happening soon too.

The problem with the chest pain is that every tiny exertion seems to make it worse. I have a tendency now to just not do and sit back and see how things go. This is good in some ways as it helps my emotional control, physically it bites. I need to start my walks/rides again soon. Losing weight will be a big bonus, not only for my health but for the long run. More mental stability, more focus, more ways to laugh at myself and have fun.

My hubby is off work for 4 days!! Wow. This should be fun, tomorrow is Labor Day. Then the kids go back to school on Tuesday. I can catch up on some chores and other things. Woot!

I will have pictures of the dogs from my hubby's phone. Right now, I am going to see if I have anything good to look at. I am in a good mood, just tired and taking it easy. I always think of the song "Sitting on the dock of the Bay.."

Thanks for listening, I have the greatest audience ever. TTYAL.
My level for today was to enjoy and savor the moment, success can be a dessert with no calories but tasting so sweet.

Jaded..so jaded.

I feel so human in my own skin. My emotions? I am angry and fed up with my life, myself, my body and all my petty problems. Whatever. I know I can't sleep right now. I am so wound up. This is beyond stupid as I have been exhausted all day.

You, my blog audience, are all I have to talk to right now. God, too. I don't know if we have been on the same wavelength or frequency. I am not feeling or hearing anything but static. Go figure. I am trying to do the best I can in most ways, but I seem to fall so short.

I really don't know what to do anymore.

This blog is my attempt to connect, or figure things out. Let the torrent of my thoughts wash over and help me heal to find my sanity. I am still not there, yet. I don't think there truly is an "ending". My life's journey through surgeries, kid, pets, marriage, addictions, friends, family..all of it. I was hoping in the process that I help other's through their own struggles.

My levels, my circles. I am back around facing myself and as always I find things I'd rather not know about myself. I also find good things and brilliant things. Does everyone go through this or is this just a struggle of the few? So many are just out to have fun, and seem to succeed. I am failing at that, I feel wound up and tight like a coiled up spring. This really isn't a good thing.

The clock is still moving tick, tick, tick and I am running out of time or I am going to be late. I hate both. I am almost always early, and have planned things out. I am not a spur-of-the-moment idea person.

 "Let's go do that?" is what other people say. I am the one that says..

 "Okay, sounds great lets go, let me grab this and this and this..." or "Whoa! Are you kidding? No way."

 If I am with other people that are like me it gets monotonous. "What do you want to do?"

 "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

"Um, huh..I don't know." Silence. (AWKWARD)

If I am not actively planning for my future where am I going to end up? I am having a hard enough time trying to get through the present. I told my FB friends the other day that my life is unbelievably boring with random periods of intense madness. I wish for the madness, but am afraid of it. Getting stuck in my rut is easy. You do the right things, say the right things and just plod along. I'd really rather have fun with it. Shake it up and be wild, different, and well, not so dull.

I still have laundry to do and I need to get my kid off to school on time. I haven't packed my hubby's lunch or set up the coffeemaker. I need to re-set my alarm and brush and floss. Okay. I am a grown-up. *sigh. Have a good night everyone.


This was from the other night. I did get sleep and feel much better. Today was okay. I ended up chatting with a few people I really don't like. That is not a very long list, I am usually very easy going. It bothers me, as I think I should be a better person than that, but then I just have to let it go. No more. The worst part of it is thinking that I give other people that same distaste? I hope not. I pray not.

Space picture..beautiful and sad as this is multiple dying stars.

Thanks for listening to me as always. I hope everyone has a beautiful blessed moment filled with inner peace. That may sound hippy freakish, but it isn't. It is beautiful. TTYAL.


I don't own any rights to this picture. The title to this blog is the song by the Rolling Stones. I don't know why it keeps playing in my head.

Marshmallows, or Puffy Clouds

Light and sweet, I had almost a whole other blog written. I may tweak it a bit and publish it another day. It was deep and emotional, and a bit sad. Which was what I was feeling. I just let it out and right now I am not letting anything bring me down. I just feel like I lost a 100 lbs of angst and I am not sure why. I am not going to question it either. I am just going to enjoy it.

One of the thoughts today was about criticism. How you have always let the tiny voice inside beat you up about things. It hasn't really worked all that well, so why don't you praise yourself every once in a while, instead. Okay.

It has really helped. My daughter even told me how lovely I looked today. Wow! Sweet!

It helped remind me that I can get very critical, not only of myself, but my kids and hubby as well. I am nicer to the dog. Even when he does something wrong, I don't stay mad at him for very long. I tell him "no" and correct him. But, I don't tell him what a nasty dog he is or "how many times do I have to repeat myself?" I do tell him he is dumb and stinks at time, which he is and does. I say that in a very happy voice. My kids always complain, "Mom, why are you saying that, it is so mean?" LOL, it isn't... not because it is true, but because he really doesn't care or understand my words. He hears the tone and how I smell and look.

My son starts school Monday and both my kids will have a full day for the rest of the week. Light and sweet, I am not thinking about any of the possible hassles. I am thinking about having the peace and quiet.

I have friends who have cancer. I hate that because I love them and hate to see them hurt and struggle. I don't want to lose them either or have them lose their loved ones either. I have other friends with constant physical or mental pain or both. I hate that also. I have another dear friend who is going through some major upheavals in his life. I pray for him and talk to him and try to make him laugh. It is all I can do. I really hope it helps.

I read a book that was a semi-autobiography. The author was a woman who is giving advice to her grown kids. The one thing that struck me the most was she admitted one of the best things she had ever done was done at her most spiteful and pettiest moment. She had the company she worked for donate books to a different place than it did before. Why? Because she could change it and knew it would really anger somebody she hated. She savored the revenge and forgot about it. She found out much later in life that those books became the cornerstone of a new library and life for woman prisoners. She may have never known, it was only by "accident" that she found out.

Amazing isn't it? You never really know how much you affect others. I am practicing kindness this week to myself and others, especially my nearest and dearest. We shall see how it goes. Thanks for listening as always have a beautiful day. ttyl.

Pretty pond.

I have no rights for this picture, I just think it is beautiful.

Yawn! I am so tired.

I  have slept. It has been around the clock for the most part, I am so tired. Why? I have no idea. I am too tired to really think about it either. When I try to concentrate on anything I start getting my headache back. Ugh.

I have taken a few meds, not very many and nothing strong either. I am already on too many prescription drugs. My diet has been totally sabotaged, by me. I have been eating/craving high carbohydrates and sugars, bread, marshmallows, granola bars, iced oatmeal cookies, and soda. This is getting me sugar "high" for a little bit and then I crash again.

The dog is loving this as he sleeps on me. He has been missing our cuddle time on the couch. Since we moved, I use my computer at the kitchen table. This has helped straighten out my posture and alleviated the strain on my shoulder and knee. I haven't been to physical therapy in months and I still feel great with that. Jack the puppy isn't as happy.

It doesn't seem to matter how much sleep I actually get. I am hoping this cycle ends very soon. I am tired of it already. Yes, that was meant to be funny. My husband hasn't complained yet, but the kids are very worried. I'll be okay, it just has to play through, I think.

The kids will be starting school the week after next. I didn't want to put my daughter back into a regular  public school, but I am out of options. The one bonus is my son will be in the same school, so he can tell me what really happens. Hopefully.

I am terrible about calling people, but I have tried for my daughter's sake. Not very many people know what Asperger's is and even fewer are willing or able to work with it. The hard part is my daughter looks completely normal. Her clothes may be a little weird and her face is broken out but, she looks like a typical teen-ager. So when she talks or does some of her different mannerisms, it tends to trip people out. They don't know how to react to her and she can't help them either. It is all very awkward.

I am still smoke-free though it is harder when you live with a smoker. He smokes outside and not in the car, but it is difficult. I still have cravings. I have to talk myself out of them. I still refuse to buy him any. It makes it too easy for me to add my own brand. My kids would be crushed if I did. Which helps me, but isn't the reason I quit. I quit because it was doing me more harm than good. What I was getting out of it was mostly all psychological. I can do better without.

It is nice to breathe again. No coughing or wheezing, and no odors.. I have also lost that sense of panic. Where are my smokes?, Where is my lighter?, Whataya mean I can't smoke here?, etc. It is all gone, poof! I find that part of it so relaxing, the fact that it is saving me a small fortune is just extra-sweet.

If my energy level continues at this rate I will see a doctor or something. I really don't think it is that serious, yet. I just have to take my time and work through it the best way I can. We all have our highs and lows. Mine were always a bit more dramatic. I am thankful that I am finally mellowing out. Maturity? At my age. Oh my! LOL.

I have mentioned before that with addiction, the theory is that you go back to the age you started. For me and cigarettes we are talking back to 13-14 years old and resolving the emotional debris I didn't face at the time. The nice part now is the hormones are way more balanced.  I, also, have years of being myself and can look back and say this is really silly or  totally whacked. And then move forward...

This was me in my early 20's, I was still overweight but would love to get back to that , my daughter says I look like a "nerd" 

Thanks for listening, I am going back to bed. I may just be making up for the insomnia I had for the last five or so years. Y-A-W-N. I hope you all have a great week and learn something new every day. TTYAL.

"I am barely breathing.."

I am not sure what has been going on. I know or realize I am in a strange hibernation mode. I have shut down except for bare essentials. Why? Good question.

My trip was marvelous, awesome, terrifying and an eye-opener all at once. I had a better time at the reunion then I expected, in the sense that large groups of people usually scare the crap out of me. I am not a "small talker". I tend to get all flustered. I didn't as much this time. It was beautiful seeing dear friends. The emotional feedback did get a bit too high. The facebook and blog people were surreal. I have fans? Really? Oh my.

I had a great morning with friends who were so funny, we were all practically crying. I am so happy for my high school friends who managed to hook up with folks that are just as amazing as they are. I did have to leave and be by myself for a while. Too many memories, good and bad were crashing into my brain. My hubby was willing to spring for a hotel. I opted to run away. I drove on up to my sister's new place. The first night was magical as we shared love and tears over certain memories and people. The second night I was ready to go, I made it back to my girlfriends house in WI and just sat back and relaxed. Whew!

I had a list of people I was going to see and talk too, and missed out on. I realized that by not trying to bother people with definite plans of where I was staying and when, I actually inconvenienced them more. errgh. That wasn't my intention. There was also quite a few people at the reunion that I didn't talk to much or get a chance to meet. There was a lot of people there. I was also sadly hung over from my first night in WI. I thought (mistakenly) that my tolerance had increased. Nope.

I ended up getting lost on roads about five times. The bonus is that I figured it out without going to far out of my way. I have such a lousy sense of direction. Yes, I could have gotten the GPS with the car rental. They charge a small fortune for it. I was glad I printed out directions to places before I left. A lifesaver for me, as it helps point me in the right direction. I love compass headings in cars.

Now I have been back and I have been oversleeping and just exhausted. Today I forced myself to shower and dress. I also got some phone calls and shopping done, instead of sitting on the internet all day. My whole little family went out for dinner tonight. It was fun. I already have plans for tomorrow. I have so many things I want to accomplish and do. This trip bolstered me up in so many ways. I did go and it was great. I also have opened my eyes and seen that I have been neglecting myself.

I hate being overweight. I do.

The next step is to do something about it. This is my next project and one I keep having to return to. Enough for today, I am so grateful for all my friends, they are the best.

Without ever knowing the way..

I wish I knew anything. Today I feel so lost and a bit clueless. I am trying to process this whole past week. I feel a lot like the creek that ran way down the street by my house. The rickety old bridge has been long gone, they replaced it with a highway concrete girder with no soul. I went down there as a kid to play. There was always a sense of danger about it, no matter what time of day or night.

The road was all downhill, and got incredibly steeper the lower you went. The last section made it impossible to brake on a bike without a major catastrophe. You flew on the asphalt and then hit the wooden bridge that rattled and moved. It was a living entity and always reacted. The loose weather-beaten boards would thump and groan in their rusty metal shackles. Flying so fast across the bridge, feeling the wind, hearing the thunks of the wheel and seeing the gaps below and the greenery all around, you were so alive. Then, if you timed it properly you could swerve and spray a bit of gravel at the edge of the road.

The rough stone walls at the end of the bridge was where you threw your bike, you had to be able to risk a bit of a jump down and then you could see the creek and underside of the bridge. At this point you could see very shallow water hurrying across the rocks. Just a bit farther ahead and back it was deeper, treacherous and polluted. You could see where somebody had dumped a washing machine, it was half sunk. There were stepping stones across but you had to be very careful. They were tricky and not always reliable. You would only get wet up to your ankles or maybe a bit more, because you weren't technically supposed to be there.

Nobody I knew ever asked permission to play down by the creek. We just went, and tried to not get too wet or too muddy. Parenting was different then, we were gone all day and encouraged to do so. Our parents knew we were idiots at times and while they didn't outright forbid the bridge or creek, they weren't thrilled about it. The admonition that circled in everybody's head was, "whatever you do, don't drink the water."

There was never any fish that I knew of, and while there might have been toads or turtles, I don't remember seeing any. Everybody had caught crawdads at one point. They were slimy and black, and non-edible, you threw them back without touching them. Nothing from the creek area could be trusted. It was the run-off from the town, the properties and farms along the way. The people that had houses down low were often flooded when the creek ran too high from rain or snow melt in spring. The water was clear at points, and then muddy, there were pools and sometimes whirlpools. It often was tinged green, and smelled weird at times. If you looked at the right angle you could see the rainbow sludge from diesel fuel and other mystery ingredients.

You never knew if there might be other people there, which could be touchy. For the most part the Catholic kids didn't play with the rest of us public school kids, even though we rode the same buses. There might be older kids and they could be mean, or doing things we weren't supposed to see or know about. Usually, though the bridge was ours, it was fun. The hardest part was getting back up the wall and then riding your bike back up the very steep hill. It was physically exhausting, and walking your bike was "cheating" You could make it to the first turn road or go on up to the next level one. That was more "our" area.

Later in life as a very messed up, stressed out teen I would walk at night to the new bridge. They had dredged it out and made the creek deeper and dirtier. It ran faster. I was often out walking in winter in the snow and ice. It was cold and I would huddle up against the concrete wall and have cigarette after cigarette, or if I was really lucky, a joint. Smoking when it was so cold that the air seemed to freeze in your lungs was intoxicating. I tried to hallucinate, and always would imagine what the original Indians would have thought of our creek. I was pretty darn sure they would have been pissed.

Right now I am at a bridge in so many parts of my life, from the past to the present. I am not at home but went to my reunion. It was great and my friends were so fun and sweet. I couldn't stay as long as I was going too. It got very overwhelming to me. I did not go down to the creek, though I could have. I didn't want to see it. I went up to my sister's new house and spent time with her. She bought me chocolates which I might share with my kids. lol.

I am not sure what I am going back too, I feel muddled and a little polluted. I did get very sick at two different times in different ways.. I reminded myself why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I also knew my digestive track was going to be grouchy. Erg. Very bad food choices, only one healthy meal and way too much soda and coffee are not good combinations.

My friends, alumni, family were all monumental. In that part, I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people that I have known or met. I needed this trip, it has opened my eyes in so many ways. I am still not who or where I want to be. I wish I wasn't so tired and that the things I need to do aren't so difficult. I do have to face up to it and move on up.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

I own no rights to the above song or lyrics.

Hmmm..

I have been playing around with my blog 1/2 the morning trying to figure out how to change the picture. I finally found it. This is a photo of my new house.

I am not very tired. I am a little bummed. I have been starting to exercise again, either a nightly walk, bike ride or both. My diet I am having more difficulty with, I am not happy with my food choices and some of my obsessions. Instead of eating one bite of something and just leaving it, I finish the whole plate. This ends up making me feel bad physically and mentally. *sigh. There was a bonus when I was ill, I couldn't eat very much and what I ate was extremely healthy. Now?

My daughter took a picture of me sleeping, it is awful.

I was glad to meet my hubbies work friends yesterday. It was sweet, we had food, drinks and a birthday cake for one of them. They also managed to wrestle the old couch down the stairs. I am glad nobody got hurt during the process. It was hysterical.

I don't know. I have to finalize my plans for my trip, who I am staying with, when. I also need to go shopping for some better clothes that fit my chubby self. I am depressed by this. Thirty years later, and I am almost back to my highest weight. I have lost weight so many times and regained it. I wish it was at the lower point. I also realize that many of my fellow alumni will have weight and health issues. We are all older. I am just unhappy because of me. I can and have looked better. I also, always, have had this struggle with my body. It isn't a mid-life crisis thing, it is a forever problem.

I am going to have fun, regardless.

It is late and I better go snooze. I have a lot to do tomorrow and the next coming days. Thanks for listening. I think there is a big difference between vanity and trying to look your best. How you look shouldn't affect how you feel but it does. Spritzing up for company or an occasion is a special treat for me. I need to treat it as that and not give into my gloom. "Depression is a liar"..it was a post on Facebook the other day. I said that I should have the words tattooed on my forehead. LOL

I am not sure how much I will be writing in the next few weeks, but I will try. TTYAL.

True. I think I can do a bit better, though. Have a great day.

The Rose.

I have so many things whirling around in my brain that it is hard to pick one stream. I start with emotions, sadness. Every mention of the tragedy of the movie shooting makes me sad. It is the same sadness I feel for the people of Japan, for the 9-11 twin towers and 2 other planes, for Columbine and Hiroshima and Nagasaki and the Holocaust. I could add so many more. So many sad and tragic deaths, some at the hands of Mother Nature, others by people. Why?

I mourn the loss of life cut short, it doesn't seem right or fair. I can only imagine the agony and despair of people who have lost their loved ones. It is senseless and stupid. The man who did this, planned and executed it is now in the American legal system. I won't mention him by name, either. Infamy? Insanity? Evil? All of the above?

Evil exists, it always has and always will.

I do believe that Good exists also.

They don't balance each other out but instead ying/yang in different countless number of ways. There is a choice.

We feel for the most part very snug and secure in our homes. Sheltered from the elements, it is easy to forget the true brutality of nature. Spend an entire day and night outside with no shelter and nothing but the clothes you have on your back? Even the survivalist shows let you have a knife and flint and steel. Our tools make a big difference, we feel safer with light that scares away the predators and brings warmth.

I told you my mind is fluttering around.

Hope.

When my depression is at it's worse the hope is the hardest part to deal with. Hope is double-edged as it can bring you immense joy, but it can also be a crushing weight of despair. You want, but you can't but you do and you don't. It is at times better to not feel anything. But "nature abhors a vacuum" and sends something to fill you up. Is this where this man was when he decided to plan an execution of terror, pain and murder?

I am not sure we will ever know, we will do our best to prevent this newest craziness. As Americans we will talk it to death first. *sigh.

On a whole other note, I am adjusting to my new home and circumstances. It is very pleasant to see my hubby every day, my kids are doing better with this. They need him as much as he needs them. I wish he wasn't working so much, but he does what he can.

I am also planning my upcoming trip for my reunion, I am so excited and nervous, too. Deep breaths in (1-2-3-4)..hold (5-6-7-8).. release (9-10-11-12). My hypnotherapist taught me that one. I have made a whole year without smoking!! Wow!

It is late now, so I am going to go snooze. My prayers go out to so many, and my love. My hope still exists that the good will always be the stronger, in each and every one of us.

I have found out from another source not to include any pictures or videos that I don't have the sole rights too..so no more music vids and you are stuck with my photography or drawings. Sorry.

TTYAL and thanks for listening to me ramble, these were my roses in AZ, I will have new ones soon in UT. It reminds me of the song "The Rose" which is now playing in my head, of course. Good Night..lol.

Sandman..

I need to write, I want to write. What is stopping me?

Fear.

I don't really want to admit that.

I hate being scared, though I am quite often. There is all kinds of fears. Stephen King was asked one time where he came up with the ideas for his books. He replied that he wrote about everything he was scared of...that if he wrote about it he was less scared. I am glad I am not inside his head.

I am scared of hurting someone, or not being able to help someone the way they need. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, but it is still crap. I am also afraid of being mediocre, just another voice among so many that isn't saying anything real, new or interesting. I am not really afraid of being mocked, though it isn't something I enjoy. I am very unhappy about being pitied, ugh. This poor girl who went through so much and became what exactly?

I am not alone, but I am.

I have the whole world of the internet available at my fingertips. I have my Facebook friends, my family including my dog, my friends and relatives I have met along the way. My own God that I talk to and try to listen to. Today, I am just tired.

I have been sleeping around the clock, trying to be better physically. Everything I do right now feels like an enormous undertaking. Taking a shower, getting dressed, cooking, cleaning, even Facebook and Words...Jack is the easiest part. He likes when I sleep.

UTAH

My mouth hurts, I had a tooth pulled and a root canal done. My cavity where my tooth was doesn't want to heal properly. Instead of going together and closing up, it is doing the opposite by pulling apart, exposing my jawbone. It has ripped all the way up to the roof of my mouth from my gum line. I laughed about it on Facebook. At least I don't have a normal complication like dry socket.

I am maxed out on the drugs I can take for this right now. Yesterday it wasn't so bad, today it is much worse.

I am excited and worried about my upcoming trip/ reunion. There are so many people I wish to see, to visit with and have fun with, too. The fears are something I am used to about being on my own. I don't like having to do things without a guide. My sister was my number 1 when we were kids. I drove us both a little crazy. My friends were my other guides. I switched to different people depending on the where, when or why. I could be anybody I had to be, except for the person I wanted to be.

Does any of this make sense?

I am not sure, my hubby is off work tomorrow and we have a few things to work out and a whole mess of chores to do. One step at a time, you can only plan so much and then you have to go with it. I am getting there.

I have missed writing, and I can't promise to be more regular, but I will make more of an effort. Thanks for listening and have a beautiful day tomorrow wherever you are. Kick some a$$ and don't take any grief that you don't have to. You deserve better.

Good night.

I don't own any rights to the above song or lyrics.

Home sweet?

Utah. Why Utah? *sigh* It is where my husband is working at. No, I am not a Mormon. Do I want to talk to the missionaries? No, thanks, but no.

I am so glad I am out of Arizona and the heat. The heat wave that has spread across almost the whole USA. I don't miss sandstorms or cacti or 100% sunshine. I do miss my lizards a bit and the birds that I have right now are pretty but rude. You still have to water things here, but not as much.

I don't like my new house.

There, I said it.

It is dirty, stinks and is old. The basement while finished, is creepy. I need a laundry chute.

If I had moved to this house 1st, before we moved to the one in Arizona, I think I would have been better. I'll be happier when they come and rip out the carpet and replace it with new. I also think painting will help, as does cleaning and trying to get stuff put away. We have two new dressers for me and Mark on order, that will help also.

I love the new deck, and the trees, the apricot tree is beautiful. I have lots of spaces to grow things. My kitchen is remodeled and some of the other parts of the house are an improvement.

I miss my old pool, my kitchen, my closet, my bathroom. It smells like a combination of cat piss and cigars. There are spiderwebs everywhere. Awh gheeze, I feel like a big weenie whiner.

The first night my daughter had a breakdown and cried. She was still crying from the first move from Wisconsin, this second move tripped the trigger. I will never forget what she said..."Mom, quit saying it is going to be alright, it isn't alright"

True. It isn't, yet.

I have to hang on to the belief that things will get better. I have to think that we are improving, moving forward. I so want a cigarette, and don't.

It is nice seeing my hubby every day and see him with the kids for at least a little while. They love him and have missed him. Jack, the dog follows him or me around at all time. We are all messed up with strange sleeping and waking patterns. My hubby is working night shift this rotation.

Tomorrow we will do something fun, I also have to go for a bike ride too. I feel better writing this. It will be okay, it will get better.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL. The new picture on top is from my apricot tree. Have a great day, week, night and I am hoping that you realize as I have lately that it doesn't matter where you are, there are always ways to make things improve. It helps so much to be with the people you love.

G'night world.

We made it. I think. My son keeps pointing out this could all be a dream, sort of like the Matrix. Okay, the weather here is beautiful. The Utahans have all been complaining how hot it is..I laugh at them. The days have been warm, but it cools down so nicely at night. The breeze is usually cool also.

Moving is a pain, now we are working on unboxing everything and trying to find a place for it. I miss my old kitchen, this one is maybe an 1/8 of the size and no pantry room. I have a pantry closet...and 6 more boxes of kitchen stuff to go.

It helps that my hubby is so handy, he put knobs on all the cupboards and has already done so much work. It is awesome to be here with him. He goes back to work next week. He will still be home every day, woot!

I am a bit woozy, doozy tonight. I went to a dentist to replace a missing filling. *sigh, Four hours later I had a root canal done and had the tooth behind it pulled. The drugs are working very well. My jaw aches but is more itchy. That is a good sign it is healing well.

I am keeping this short as I have to get some rest. The screen is doing double vision on me. I just wanted you all to know I am still here, still alive, but one more tooth down and out. My mental state has been improving steadily day by day.  I am keeping this light, sweet, and short. G'night everyone and thanks for listening.

Imagine..

I guess I am writing tonight. I wasn't going to. I am in a mood, not sure how to describe it. Today was Father's Day. This is another holiday I have some "issues" with. I also always laugh at the word "issues". It is a combination of so many cultural references it is hard to explain. I don't know if it is an American trait or more of a human trait, to be able to laugh at ourselves. So when I hear or use that word, I think of the commercial where the drill sergeant Marine therapist throws a box of tissues at a sobbing patient. It isn't real, in real life I would be appalled. I think.

There is another commercial from way back where they shoot mice from a cannon through a wooden O and miss. They aren't really shooting real mice, I laugh every time.

I called my Dad today. It made him happy, which makes me glad. It also relieves some tensions I have had. My dad, and our relationship over the years has been difficult and agonizing. I know how much I have changed. I shouldn't be surprised that he has changed also.

Me and my Dad, I was 3..

When you learn love and fear from the same person, it makes things complicated. I know my Dad and Mom both love me. I didn't think they did for a long time, or were incapable of it. I know there are people who are nodding their heads. I was not the only child in the world who had parents that overstepped the boundaries between discipline and abuse. I have stepped over the line myself and it it curls up inside me. It is easy to lash out at those we love the most. The hard part is learning to step back, calm down and not let our emotions rule.

That includes words as well. Words can heal and hurt.

I think in some ways we are hardest on ourselves. We beat each ourselves up in the inside. This is a common trait among addicts and "survivors" . Learning how to listen to the things that help us grow and blossom, rather than the negative shrew is a major step. It can be a battle or just flow. Life isn't always easy or hard, sometimes it is just boring, or a bit better and then there is your aha moments where everything clicks and it is absolutely the best thing ever.

I remember laughing uncontrollably with friends, playing games, the first time I said "my daughter", holding my husbands hand so tight during our wedding ceremony, my son's first steps. There is so many more moments, things that were beautiful, profound or just fun.

My dad was a survivor also from abuse that probably pales in comparison to what I lived with. Everyone has their own story. My kids will have their own. One of my girlfriends had the opportunity to be with her mom and reconcile with her before she passed away. Not all of us will have that chance. Other's were blessed with parents who while not perfect, had or have a great relationship with. I envy them that, I can't help it. I have lost people to death and other things. The pain lessens at times but never goes away.

Enough sadness.

I am supposed to be concentrating on my move. A year from now? I will write it tomorrow and post it later..as always thanks for listening. TTYL. I need to get some sleep.


As you can tell that was from the day before. I am still sleepy today, the sun is shining and it is triple digit hot. I feel paralyzed. It is hard to stay focused and moving. I have already had one nap. I have so much more to do. Am I overwhelming myself? Perhaps. I admit I am very unhappy that I am once again packing by myself. My dear neighbor Jenny, who I miss so much isn't here this time. I will be flying out with the kids after the moving company takes away our stuff. Next week.

Okay, up and at them. I am going to be bad and indulge in a soda and maybe some chocolate. It may help to get my blood pumping. Thanks for listening as always.

I have no rights for this song or lyrics. I do not make any profit or gain from this blog. thanks!

 This is the song that has been haunting me. There are worse tortures. I am  so laughing. It is a beautiful song. Just imagine..

Still kicking...

I am waiting for my pot roast to cool down a bit before I stick it in the fridge. It has been a strange day. I did manage to get some things done today. I have been slacking, I despise moving and packing. I had a call from a life coach, it was very interesting and not what I expected. His challenge was to come up with a scenario of what I expect my life to be like a year from now.

Okay, we talked about some of it. It was very positive. I have been having a very difficult time embracing the thought of our newest relocation. I have very old bad memories associated with Utah and a few good ones. The state itself is beautiful and I love the thought of having seasons again. Though, I would like to skip the snow. I am very nervous about being in a new place, finding my way around. I am a professional at getting lost. You can laugh, but I have ended up in the wrong state..more than once.


I am also practical enough to know that it isn't going to be all peaches and cream. There is work involved and at this point, I am frustrated with my kids. They are very spoiled in some ways. This is going to be a major issue. I have really not had my husband home regularly for about the last seven years or so. He has  worked for different employers, but all required field service. This means travel and a lot of it. I always tease him that he should have just been a semi-driver. He actually could beat them with accumulated miles on the road.

I am worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I am trying to relax and breathe it in and out. I will be okay.

My thought the other day was that there is almost always someone who is better at something then me and almost always somebody who is worse. I used to find this a frustrating statement. I realized I don't anymore. It is a comfort. I have limits, I don't have to be perfect. I am also uniquely me. Everybody has their quirks and foibles. I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence. I just love it, foibles. LOL

I am running late tonight so I am going to cut this short. I do realize I have not been writing very regularly as of late. I have been playing word games on Facebook which is very addicting to me. I know I am going to have to chill it down soon, but for the moment it has been a great stress reliever.

I will write my vision of the future tomorrow, I hope. TTYAL and thanks for listening.

Is there something that is your special talent? How do you nurture it? Is there something you hate about yourself? Is their any steps you can take to minimize it or embrace it instead? Serious and powerful questions of where you are and where you want to be.

"WORK IN PROGRESS"

The same but different, I love it.

"Going Out of My Head.."

"Since you been gone, been out of my head, can't take it.." the lyrics to a song that keep playing through my head. I HATE summer vacation. Really. I think kids should be in school during the summer too. It isn't like they are helping with the harvest. I really do respect teachers more than I already did. I am at my limit with children today and tomorrow, too.

My hubby comes home in a couple of days. Thank-you! I don't really know what I need a break from, life? I just know I feel very frazzled. It hasn't helped that I was very sick the last couple of days. First was because I ate Mexican food with some dairy two meals in a row. Yep, not a bright idea...after all that the next day I had the migraine from hell. I slept on and off all day and tried not to throw up.

It is hot here and getting hotter. The desert is heating up. It has been over a 100 degrees just about every day. The bonus is it is still cooling down at night. It won't soon, but we will be gone by then. Maybe, if I can get everything packed up and moved and the dog and the kids and bills and money and..lolol. Such fun, to move from one place I don't really want to be (but was starting to get used to) to a new place where I don't want to be, but with the family I want to be with. Okay. I have had waaay too much caffeine today.

I am not sure where I am at this point or what I have been trying to do. Confuzzled..just a bit. I just. I don't know. I would love to feel physically better. I am getting better at returning to anchor myself. I don't want to go off into an emotional abyss or ignore the stuff I feel I need to accomplish. I just..*sigh. I feel that I am getting socially and emotionally healthier. I am coming to peace and balance with  so many issues I have had. I am headed in the right direction.

I just want to yell or scream or throw a tantrum, and run away. I don't want to be a grown-up anymore. I don't want to be a kid either or a teenager..oh no. I need a vacation from everything, especially myself.

I guess we all have these kinds of days..I am better now. At least for a little while...lol.

Righty vs. Lefty

I had one idea that was tripping around inside my head but, I am going to have to save it for a future blog. It was about heaven, and levels and..sorry. I got taken away again by my daughter, she played me her version of a lovely song and then showed me her new art. I noticed a similarity right away to another picture I downloaded a couple of weeks ago.

It is how she views the possible inside of her mind. This is on her art site I will include the link when I find it again.

This is from Ted Talks.. a symposium for different ideas. I am going to try to find the linkage. My daughter hadn't seen this picture. This is from Quantum physics and represents the idea of vibrating slices of string as the template for our universe and others. *Sigh, she does stuff like this. I am going to have to find the original author and artist for this picture. I don't own it and have no rights to it.

The thought I got out of this is "what a strange place I have been."

Thanks for listening, I will talk to you all later. Levels? I am tired but in a good way, hope you all found something amazing in your every day life. Something that has been there all along and you saw differently.
Isn't it amazing!

And around we go...

So many things have happened that I am not sure what to say first. I love seeing all the graduation pictures on my Facebook page. I feel so happy for them, and/or their parents. I also have a flash of sadness. My daughter should have been graduating from 8th grade. I didn't even bother to check if there was a ceremony. She has failed (on purpose) for the last three years, ever since we have moved to Arizona. Next year, I am not sure how things are going to transfer or where and what she will be taking. I know it will be a challenge, and most likely not in a good way.

I have two moving companies coming over to give an estimate next week, I guess we are getting there. I wish I wasn't so tired and that I was a little more excited. I am not. Apprehensive is more the feeling, I am not looking forward to all the hassles. I guess I am wishing troubles ahead of myself. It is just that the last move didn't go so well. I had hoped for so much and none of it came true. Most of my three years here in the desert have been a strange nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

Right now, today, this moment..I am craving a cigarette so bad. I am going to go outside and deep breathe for a little until I can get past it. I have quit for 10 months now. Wow. I never thought I would ever be able to be without. I am still hating this weight gain and sitting on my a$$. Argh. I have physical therapy on my shoulder again tomorrow. It helps so much, plus I love the massage. A step forward in the right direction.

I have had too many friends go through some really hard times...and still going. It makes my worries seem petty in comparison. That is about the only good I see in their situations. The other part on my mind is another hurt. I am hoping that the person who posted a video I found very awful, didn't post it for that reason or for others they might know. I am so hoping they were a bit clueless. Otherwise, I don't know. I think of it as beyond a prank, but intentionally trying to hurt someones psyche? My stomach turns over and hurts, that is really evil.

I find I am still astonished by the hurt we can do to each other, intentionally or otherwise. It makes me feel sad, and small. I want to curl up and huddle in a corner where I may feel safe. It also pisses me off..I told you I feel opposite emotions. I want to grab a chair and a whip. I'll be like a lion tamer and control what others can not, what others would fear to do.

Brave words, I have to find the right persona or steel in me to go on. I truly believe in karma, it will come around and bite or bless you. Some folks really don't realize how bad it can be. It can always be worse, it can always be better, the trick is finding the right balance and staying afloat when you need to. Have I cliched enough? LOL

I love the beauty in this world in people and art, music, knowledge. Sometimes the most simple of things can be so profound.  Thanks. I got to try to get some rest ..thanks for listening. TTYAL

Ledo is waiting for the ?

It is already late, and I should be asleep. I am not, I had a nap that I really needed. Now, I am awake. As I said in my first blog ever, I am here. I might as well write something.

It was a beautiful day, I got to be lazy. I swam, I Face booked. I tried making brownie waffles. They were very yummy, a bit messy. My kids had their last day of school. My husband was home and we emptied most of the garage into a U-haul for him to take back to Utah. He also got rid of at least 4 boxes of junk, and recycled aluminum cans and had four bags of clothes for Goodwill.

I met the guy who will be renting our house here the day before. Jack loved him, which is a good sign. He seemed really nice.

craters on Mars, courtesy of NASA

I am bored at the same time that some part of me is paralyzed. I am really "nervous" about this move. Or maybe apprehensive is the word. I dread it at the same time I am looking forward to a change. The weather here in Arizona is officially triple digit hot, it will get hotter. As of now it is still cooling down at night. In a couple more weeks it won't cool down at all. I call it hell and am so glad I don't have to endure it again.

I am not looking forward to snow and real grass either. I HATE snow, and grass is green and it grows. It would really help if I wasn't allergic to it. I am looking forward to seeing my new house. I just..

I don't know. Scared? Kind of..I don't like change, even good changes. I get very comfortable in my ruts. LOL. I know I don't want my hubby to leave. He just got here, and I am not sure when I will see him again. It may not be until the end of next month for the big move. *sigh.

I have so much stuff to do. Not a bit of it is fun. Moving bites!

It would be easier if I had less possessions and I was willing to let go of them. I am not a hoarder in the same sense that others are. I still have my mementos though.

Okay, I am whining again.  I am on another prescription medicine. I have to admit I have been getting way more sleep. I have to be very careful about what I eat or don't eat. I spent almost four days with a digestive system that wouldn't work, now I think I am sliding the other direction. Wonderful, and yes.. that is sarcastic.

I actually had a drag of my hubby's menthol cigarette, blchhh. I had to go rinse and spit my mouth out. It killed the desire I had. Whew. I have cravings for things I don't even want. It does help to remember that. My final frontier for now is my weight. ugh.

I need to start thinking like a skinny person. They have energy, enthusiasm and stop eating when they are full. They don't binge eat and eat lots of fruits and veggies and avoid high fat, high sugar foods. Not just because they taste bad but that it makes them feel like a slug. Processed foods are a big no-no and chocolate and other indulgences are rare. Exercise is daily and includes aerobic and cardio..plus resistance training and flexibility..hmm. Okay.

I have been here and done this before, baby steps. Time for some sleep and thanks for listening to me vent. I feel a 100% better, amazing. Prayers for all my friends going through difficult times. Money, health and family issues...I hope things turn out the best for you all.

TTYL..shhh. Don't miss your boat..(The Ledo shuffle by Boz Scaggs) ..