How Long Has This Been Going On?

Today is my wedding anniversary, yesterday was my hubbies birthday. I wish he could have been home for either or both. Nope, he has another 6 or so more days. Not fun. I did talk to him quite a bit today, on Facebook and on the phone. He is bored, I am sad. Somehow, this will all work out.

This past weekend opened my eyes to a few things. I was still obsessing about my "friend". Done, for good now, I hope. I wish them the best, can't and won't get sucked up into THAT mess any more. My nerves and emotions are still a bit raw. I exposed myself, not too surprising. I get hung up on stupidity every once in awhile. I have done this to different degrees before. I have also managed to shut the door and walk on too. Bye.

I keep saying that I keep getting bits of myself back. Yes, hard to explain, but it feels right. One more layer of maturity back on, or in place again. My kids and I still have a long way to go. I AM still addicted to Facebook. I am doing better, but have more work to do. My kids are also addicted to their various electronic games. Whew! One step at a time. I did better nutritionally today. I also did my physical therapy and went for a walk with the dog. It really made me feel a whole lot better.

Jack, my puppy has been my companion today. He has been nutty, sleepy, naughty and adorable. Right now he is crashed next to me. He always makes noises in his sleep. Sometimes he is nursing, so cute...other times he is having nightmares. What do dogs dream about? My dad always said they were chasing rabbits in their sleep. Jack has never seen a rabbit or a squirrel, yet. He chases lizards, crickets and birds. Ok, he eats the crickets..lol.

Dreaming, I read a whole blog about it. Everybody dreams, they have proven that or you would go psychotic. Some people remember their dreams vividly, others don't at all or rarely. I try not too..prefer not too. I daydream constantly, and have day-mares too. I find that easier than remembering my night dreams. Even good ones bother me. My dreams are incredibly weird. I suppose that isn't too surprising. I have had nightmares were I wake up shaking and crying and don't remember why. My hubby is good with that. He holds me, even when he isn't awake.

I had a dream in college where everything was in text..lol. I had gone through a radical adjustment from my boyfriend's apartment to life at BYU. I read through my collection of books, around the clock. Not too surprising then.

I am not always myself in my dreams, or even female..or always human either. LOL, I told you they are weird. My scary ones lately involve driving up and up and then going down and down. I am phobic about driving over bridges, overpasses and up/down/around mountain roads in real life. It is bad. It drives my hubby crazy, me too. It is irrational, I know it. I feel it, but I can't stop being scared or shaking. The dreams..ugh.

I had 2 dreams I remember as a kid. They are still imprinted on my inner consciousness. I'll talk about them some other time I am too tired tonight. My period is still 24/7 with various degrees of flow. I have multiple enormous clots..eww. I know. Sorry. This morning I woke up in a pool of blood. I was scared about my upcoming hysterectomy, not so much any more. Too not have to deal with this crap, wow!

That is why my hubby is working so may days in a row, so he can be here for my surgery and our son's birthday. He will be working through Christmas too. I think. I have been married to him for 14 years and lived with him for 8 years before that. For 22 years he has been my one and only. He saved my life and balances me still. We do have a lot of things to work through. I know! I still love him, though, and know he loves me. I still find that amazing.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.


I don't know where the quote or pic came from..they are not my property and I do not make money from posting them..if they are yours, please let me know.

WARNING : Wishes Do Come True

It came as a slap in the face today. Most everything I have whined, moaned or wished about has come true in these past couple of weeks. My hubby is at home, kind of working and kind of not. I have someone else doing all my chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, puppy care..etc. I also have a way, means, and stamp of approval to get as high as I want, as much as I want for a few weeks. I am being encouraged to sit on my butt and play with fb or whatever. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want. I have continued to quit smoking. I also have 2 other adults in my house who help with child-teen behavior.

OK, wow! The fact that I had major surgery, can't drive and do any of those things I used to complain about. hmmm..I am severely limited on my pain meds right now. Um, and now my incision is giving me more grief..ouch. Go figure. I am kind of laughing here. I love both my hubby and my mom-in-law. In very different and unique ways, and whew! Let us just say it has been a bit difficult adjusting to them being here. They both smoke, my girlfriend did too. It has been very lip-biting crabbiness not joining them in what used to be my favorite past time. It helps or doesn't that it is so hot out. My kids are brats, which I knew already. To see that idea mirrored and reinforced. *sigh.

So dreams do come true, wishes can be answered, prayers granted..and it isn't what I wanted. This is not the fantasy life I had imagined. I feel like boo-hooing a bit and stamping my feet and doing a little temper dance. Ok, I'll admit it. I already did. I am a brat, also.

My mind is a hot mess right now. I couldn't even begin to start with what I am thinking, or feeling, up is down, left is right and my universe is not upside down, but tilted and someone or others have been traipsing around doing their own little dance or clean up inside my head. That I go looking for these different thoughts and experiences really isn't the point. I am trying to process it all and somehow, I have been coming up short. Maybe that is the drugs..

If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems.

With that thought I do smile, and am going to steal another piece of homemade Rice Krispie treats, maybe. I have thank you notes to write to my many wonderful neighbors tomorrow and things and events to plan for. I know going out for a smoke won't solve anything or make me feel better. I know food or drugs won't take away any of my anguish inside..it just spits it out in a different form. I am learning, slowly. Listening for my music that helps guide me.

I will still pray, and wish and dream..and try to complain less.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. with love.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

Life is but a Dream

I think I am sleep writing this. I am very tired. I resist sleep, though not because of nightmares. I do have an occasional one. I very rarely remember my dreams, the non-scary ones are beyond bizarre and in color. The Chantix drug I am on  to quit smoking is supposed to cause strange dreams..so far so good. My quit date was yesterday, didn't make it. I have enough Chantix to last till March..so March 21st it is. One of my high school girlfriend's birthday's...the day before mine.

All of us smoker's used to hang around and smoke at the bus stop, before and after. She never did. Her aunts, who all smoked, had put money into a trust for her. If she ever smoked she would forfeit it. I never knew if the story was true or not, but I loved it. When anybody in our group gave her crap about not smoking..I'd stick up for her. Smoking for me was a choice, not the result of peer pressure. I went to a party in WI early on in my Denny's career, didn't drink much that night. I felt a bit strange because all the girls were so young and then younger. They were giving one of the kids a hard time about not smoking. I remember saying leave her alone, whatever. She still has never smoked and never will. I am still proud of that and her... she has kids of her own now.

Dreams, nightmare's..being a server, sigh." Dennymare's"..where you are stuck at work, can't remember a d**n thing, the kitchen is messed up and you have a whole dining room full of angry, hungry people and more coming in the door. This was often reality, too...so many many times. The dream was easy, wake up. The reality, you could break down, walk out or keep going. You didn't get to break down till after..you just kept going. Sometimes you got help, and sometimes you didn't. Sometimes people came in and took the whole thing over, so not helpful really. Other times you realized you were helping out others too much...doing their job for them. Not really all that helpful, either.

I am hoping people don't mind that I am talking about them. I am not naming any names...LOL...not yet.(evil grin here) I am just kidding..

The next level? I have said that reality can bite and hard. You can try to live it as a dream, but there has to be a time where you wake up. You can break down, or walk out, or the best bet.. keep going. Sometimes you get help, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are the one helping someone else.

I managed to do three projects today. I made appointments on the phone, which I hate doing. I finally got my Christmas tree down and packed away. Yes, I know it is February.. I will store it away tomorrow. I also let go of a person who I was using as a crutch. He is back to being an awesome friend. Thanks for letting me lean, I am getting the hang of it now. I smile here.

Have a great day or night and pleasant dreams..TTYAL.