On a Positive Note

Today, yes.

I got to sleep in, which never happens. I did wake up before the alarm, of course but fell back asleep. My hubby went and took care of kids and things. I think I got an extra 1/2 hour. It doesn't sound like much, but you all know what I mean.

I saw my therapist today. Always a good/bad thing..good in that it helps. Bad in that it scares me, talking about crap that nobody should have gone through in the first place. When I leave he tells me I will have a headache..yep. I still do. As far as headaches go, it is pretty minor. I also feel 100 lbs lighter mentally, I got to unload a lot of garbage. That part feels so good. The mood has made me up-beat and positive, my favorite state of being. Not much has phased this. I can smile here.

My hubby will be leaving in the morning.*sigh. I am hoping some of this calm contentment spills over. I am getting back on track. Walking, riding my bike, eating healthier..getting things cleaned and organized. Trying not to trip out on stuff I can't control. Not letting my obsessions rule me. One small step at a time..I smile again.

I am not going to write much more tonight. I need sleep and the headache is staring to win. But, yes..finding the help I have needed for so long. Whew! Indescribable.

This is just the start, and I am not going to overwhelm myself. My level, talking with my friends past and present today..and remembering a lot of good memories of childhood. Cindy, Kaye, Gina...not even out of 1st grade yet so don't be upset if I didn't mention your name. I have always been blessed with great friends. Helped me through so many things, and kept me going. Even when they didn't know it.

The next level is hmm..harder for me. Making friends in the here and now. Face book is easy with that, reality outside the front door..still working on a plan for that. Which kind of means I really don't have a clue, yet. LOL.

good night, thanks for listening and TTYAL..

I Stumble and I Fall

So what happens when we fall..or fail? I have done so before, I am sure I will do it again. My mind is still not all there yet. I am losing the fight today. Gladly, happily giving in to every base desire, so I can no longer think. Up the meds a bit and say shite to it all. That I know better is whatever. Hell with the consequences, tomorrow is another day. The scripture for this one was "eat, drink and be merry..for tomorrow we shall die." My dad was fond of pointing out the sinners in this one. It always irked me. It is true after all.

The problem with it.. being fat, drunk, and happy doesn't last long together. It would be better to have died right away. This post will piss people off..sorry.

I don't blame my folks for the way I turned out. It would have been nice to have a sweeter story, but all-in-all it has made me who I am.  There are people who had it way worse than me. I am still envious of posts of people who miss their folks who have passed on. My parents are alive, and I don't miss them. I do love them, and they me, but I find them very "negative". They usually make me sad. So I do the adult thing, and avoid them..lol.

I was at my thinnest when I partied all the time, mostly pot and alcohol. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's, and went to school. I ate constantly, because I worked it off. I was down to 125-130 lbs. *sigh. and was still heavier than all my friends. I have been overweight all my life. In American culture this puts you in a "leper" class all by yourself. I have watched America eat for 20 odd years..the thinnest people sometimes eat the most garbage you have ever seen and don't exercise at all.. Some heavy people are the same way. Some people work very hard at staying thin for whatever reason, they eat small portions of healthy foods and exercise diligently. Some people were very heavy, and work extra extra hard to keep off the pounds. We were built to withstand famines...so if it is the end of the world, and food gets scarce? Sorry, skinny people..adios.

If you have never been fat, and I say not 10 lbs overweight but minimum 20+ or so for a girl and 30+ or more for a guy..shut the hell up. You don't have an effing clue. Double standards, it was OK to screw a fat chick, but not date one or even admit you had sex.

Tonight, I drank some schnapps, upped my meds, a few other things and am now slightly buzzed and a bit stupid. It doesn't matter today, tomorrow always seem to come. I'll be hung over and tired, as always anyway. Not a big deal..no levels today as I am dredging down in the bottoms. I'll snap out of it in a day or two. My apologies.

 I am also not suicidal ..my one and only true attempt was at Utah Tech, I took a whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol, almost 500 pills (took forever)..I got very dizzy and passed out a lot. My one friend made me promise to never try to kill myself again. That he would never ever "forgive" me. Thanks Neil Jones, wherever you are? It has been almost 29 years now. Miss you, my friend, always, even though I think  of "offing" myself daily at least once, usually as a joke. The consequences, never saw a doc, only 2 people ever knew and my old roomie was pissed that her brand-new bottle of Tylenol was missing.

I have done stupid things, not caring whether I lived or died. I also did other things that took a bit of my soul and and returned it stained and damaged. My problem(?) with this now is I haven't found anyone to replace me yet. For my kids, my hubby..it has to be a true accident. Death is easy for the dead, it is hard on the living.

It balances out sometimes. Today is another day. The sun is shining, my hubby is home. I have errands to run and the agony/ecstasy part of my life will be on hold till later tonight. I will wear something sleazy for my hubby today..which is fun. I'll make dinner, cut hair, do chores..and wish for things I can never have and will never be. I'll try to prevent things from going down paths that I know are wrong. God doesn't give me the answers to this...or if he is I am not listening right.

TTYAL..thanks for listening. Thanks to all my special friends out there who I talk to...you have no idea how much each and everyone of you means to me.

"I Don't Like Monday's"

I am proud of myself today, to a certain point. Always have to have those qualifiers...it's okay. LOL, I am thinking it is what makes me interesting. I dropped my brother off at the airport today. I am going to miss him. It was a visit that was 20 years past due. He is and always was amazing. Geoff is the oldest and I am the youngest, though my mom miscarried at one time. Gordon or George would have been my younger brother. I wish, and then again, no. He didn't even get a chance to breathe, but ended up in a better place.

The proud part was that I am getting very good at navigating the Arizona freeway system. For someone who has no sense of direction and a fuzzy brain this is a major bonus. Yey! I only had one panic attack last night on a ramp. Damn vertigo! It makes no sense, my fear of heights, bridges, curvy roads. It features in my dreams quite often. I am driving on a road that leads up and up and up..then I am on the top looking down. Sometimes there are bridges, usually there are more windy roads that loop around. I suppose there may be a choice, but the fear wakes me up. Aaargh!

In real life, the fear is even stronger. It hits me..at the most inopportune times. It makes me feel a bit trapped here knowing I can't drive through mountains. I've tried..so not good. I am disgusted with this, even though I try to give myself a break. How many phobia's can one person have? My favorite author in one of his books pointed out that those who have been "mind-raped" suffer with irrational fears, phobia's, etc. that may never go away. LOL, since he is a "fictional" writer I am hoping for better.

Completely off topic, to my friend and fellow SA and Fb addict, I am sorry. What I said to you was wrong. I know it, you know it. I am not a counselor. I am in the same boat, sorry, I rocked it. I am glad you are doing better with FB, and hope you are doing better with other things as well. We are what we are..but we can get better. I do miss chatting with you. Whew! My brother wasn't even phased by any of my addictions or any other shocking revelations. The fact that I am non-political and have only voted once..LOL. I am very glad he is still speaking to me.

My hubby comes home tomorrow. YES!

Other things..my car is still smoke-free. (*sigh) This has been a major challenge for me. I know I missed my quit day. I am a big squawky chicken. I have another plan, but am not ready to share it yet.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength"

This was posted by a friend of mine, who can be very wise for someone so young. LOL..he said he never had a stalker before. No, I am being good. It does hurt, this fight. But I have won before. I am trying to break free of all the habits and fears that have me trapped. One step at a time..

My level..what is yours? What are your fears and how do you face them? How do you help other's with theirs? These are just questions..there are no right or wrong answers. I would be the last person to judge...as in not my job, desire, or life-purpose.

"tell me why? I don't like Mondays..." It is a song by the Boomtown Rats that was inspired by a girl  who
went on a shooting spree.. at the school across the street. This makes me cry inside. More fuel I guess...the world CAN be a better place. I have to believe that. I still love Monday's.

The desert is a dessert..extra special with zero calories.

There is just no reason for me to be so down today. None. Mark, the hubby left this morning and has just made it to his hotel. I only slept about three hours last night..so I ended up taking a nap. So okay that 1 for the negative column and 1 for the positive. I am inspired by my friend Genny who has rheumatoid arthritis, always have been. I recommend her blog too. It is on my reading list.

This is what I started writing yesterday. The down side pretty much won the rest of the day. It is hard to explain the feeling. I talk about a dark hole, because even if the sun is shining..you find a way to make it a downer. Good things you can latch on to are to put your own misery in high focus.

Now my brother is visiting. It is awesome in so many ways. My bro has had his share of problems. But he is doing better than ok, now. I haven't seen him in about 4 or 5 years for just a couple of hours. Before that, It was 20 years..with no connection at all. Our family was a bit dysfunctional. LOL.

I guess I should say Day 3. I am going to post this tonight. Today we went for a drive over to Superstition Mountain and went hiking. Incredible! My knee after an excruciating sit-down, felt 90% better than it has in weeks. I managed to huff and puff it up and back, we went about 4 miles today. Go figure, it needed exercise  I have a sun-burned face, of course.

I am enjoying time with my brother so much. Answers to different memories, a connection that can never be broken. It is amazing to see the relationship with him and my daughter blossom. They both have Asperger's, my brother's patience with her is incredible. It makes me smile inside.

The depression has lifted and now I am plagued with desires...a curse and a blessing. Whew! It is hard to not dwell and make things worse. The more you try not to think about something, the more you do. My fortune cookie yesterday " a smart person is the one who knows when to ask for help" I have friends/family that help me so much. But when it comes down to it, it is just me and how I deal.

Tonight I use meditation and letting "my God " flow through me like a river. Tonight it is what works and I know I can make it to the other side of this. To anyone who is not an addict this probably will not make a whole lot of sense. For me, it is my level..one I hope to improve upon. The day when my obsessions and desires stay muted as maybe a passing urge and not an all-encompassing insane hunger.

For a level, I suggest taking a walk, hog, jog and seeing the beauty of the world. 

thanks for listening TTYAL..:-)

Wakey! Wakey!

It has been a busy week for me. My girlfriend coming to visit, wow! She opened my eyes wide as good friends do. I have known her for 20 some years. She has had more than her fair share of ups and downs..and always manages to rise to the top. Eventually, however..she keeps going and gets better and better. When she looks at me and says..WTFH! You were the one who taught me that...

OMG! Thank you, my friend for now and always. You have my love forever, and a "home" to come back to. I am glad this universe and timeline are where we met and became friends.  I hope you are crying now..lol. I am.

I have another friend who writes a blog about drug/alcohol addiction and recovery, I do recommend it for anyone who has struggled with this personally or loves someone who does or has. This means just about the whole planet should read it. It is on my reading list, thanks Tommy!

I do not agree with everything he says or does. I don't agree with everything my girlfriend says or does either. Hell, I don't always agree with everything I say or do either. LOL, that is just another reason I owe them, when they point out the obvious to the oblivious. That would be me at times.

The fight I am fighting here isn't just about saving me from my own obsessions or finding a true path. I am saving my family too. That includes my incredibly gifted troubled daughter, my sunshine/darkness son, and my hubby. The fact that they have to save themselves or want to doesn't prevent me from being a catalyst. I am the "mom" for my kids and the "wife" to my husband. I can't pretend the past three years of torture for all of us haven't happened. But, one day at a time...mental health, stability..keeping it together and moving it up a notch. We, me..I can do way better than this...falling apart isn't an acceptable option.

The next level is for you(the universal you) to open your eyes and see as truly as you can. The answers are there inside you and all around you. You need to take care of yourself, your family, your friends and they will give it back to you exponentially. Being strong and while even being afraid, going ahead and meeting your challenges anyway you can. Enjoying each day, learning, loving and forgiving yourself for the fact that life is absurd..but this is the only one I know that we have for sure. LOL

Thanks for listening. TTYAL Good night and better tomorrows for you all.

tying your own shoelaces

My son Max, didn't learn how to tie his own shoes till he was almost 9 or so. Renee did a little better, I think she was 6 or 7. I showed them how. I helped them over and over again. I had a book, with practise laces and a video. But they just couldn't seem to "get" it. The problem? Once they started getting frustrated and angry, I couldn't help them anymore. I had to walk away.

I asked other parents, my sister-in-law had  taught all 3 of hers at the time. She told me their K-4 teacher spent the first month of school on it. The teacher insisted it was worth it. The kids that knew got a chance to teach the kids that didn't. This also saved her from an entire year of tying shoes. I have to agree, so much important than learning to color in the lines. Renee finally "learned" from those very same cousins.

My husband tried also. Since he tied differently then me, it confused both kids even more. Other adults, kids, total strangers helped Max tie his shoes at one point or another. They would also try to explain. No-go. It wasn't from his lack of trying either.

I gave up! I bought him slip-ons, velcro tabs, zippers, even wire laces that you just twisted together.

I could never remember the little mantra about the rabbit and the hole. I had never heard that till I was much older.  I was 4 or 5 and was informed that I wouldn't be allowed to go to school till I learned. I so wanted to learn. I was the youngest. I dreamed about going to school. My dad explained it and showed me, then I got to try. I don't know how long it took me. It seemed like hours and hours at the time. He hit me until I got it right. I did finally "get" it in just one sunny afternoon.

My son finally "got" it. It took him years. Thanks to a wonderful sitter named Ian and Max, himself. I wasn't in any hurry..and it was one of the proudest moments of both our lives. "MOM, MOM... look, look.. I DID it. I DID it all by myself!" It was hugs, kisses and tears for me. "I knew you could, baby I knew you could."

There is all sorts of ways to learn things...easy, hard, painful, fast, slow. What and how are you teaching? What have you learned today? What is your level? Where do you want it to be?

Thanks for reading..TTYAL.

fate and friends

I forget about the time change..AZ doesn't do it..now so many of my FB friends are 2 hours ahead of me. My girlfriend is visiting. I have so missed her. We always just pick off where we left and go with it. My hubby is home as well. Hanging around chit-chatting with 2 smoker's, I smoked more today than all week. My quit day tomorrow is not looking promising. 

I had a very good moment with my daughter, she was having a bad meltdown. I am so glad I could be there for her. I am amazed that she opened up to me, it has been a long time since she has truly talked to me. I held her and we cried while I told her how much I love her. This therapy is what she has needed for so long. Mine too, 40 years past due..:-)

My friend doesn't think her life is all that interesting. I always found it fascinating. Of course it goes around both ways, I think my life is so dull right now. I guess not. lol

I am finally getting sleepy enough to ignore my body's aches and pains and get some sleep. I will be up at 6 or sooner again tomorrow.

I have friends going through so much. One was so horrific, other's way less so. Death when it comes to an older person fills me with grief, but also a sense of peace. Death of a soul is so much sadder, the people who have withered and died inside.

I haven't said much today, too tired. Prayers for you all that you find your own way. That you look for the sidestep and or next level and take it.

My fortune cookie..Deviate not from the path which fate has assigned you

LOLOL...too funny. TTYAL love peace and finding your fate.

The Next Level: I say a little prayer for you

The Next Level: I say a little prayer for you: "I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate Ameri..."

I say a little prayer for you

I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate America's health policies, medical mysteries, and health insurance. I still do.

I made it to the heart doctor, didn't get lost and didn't smoke in my car. My insurance was denying all my claims. They needed to know if I had any secondary insurance. Um, no..no..and no..duh. This is probably why I still haven't been reimbursed for my therapist either. Called and went through an automated robot voice..not sure if it is straightened out or not yet.

All my tests were normal except for a very small seepage in 1 valve, which they say is normal. OK, this means I spent almost $500 with the "insurance" to find out nothing. The doctor was nice enough to give me a prescription for a drug that retains salt. Other than that it was another test or two...*sigh. Maybe I will go back to my GP. My Canadian neighbor may be around in Fall, he's a doctor. If my hubby fixes enough stuff for him? LOL.

Another drug? That makes 4 scrips now...plus A&D, and a few other vitamins. At least they are all cheap ones, I worked in a pharmacy..some people spend a boatload of money every week. It is really sad. I hate taking any of them, they all make me nauseous. Plus vitamins, aargh..despise taking pills, even though I am a pro at it. My parents were health food nuts, we had to choke down at least 5 to 10 pills every Saturday and Sunday. By sophomore year this became a daily ordeal with my Dad. Kelp tablets taste like seaweed because guess what? They ARE seaweed! Blch...there are worse things though.(shudder) "sprout water" You really don't want to know.

When I started taking diet pills to lose weight and stay awake. I used to thank them for that. When I had to swallow ibuprofen dry or chew aspirin because my hands were hurting and swollen so much. I thanked them again. I could drink any kind of alcohol and keep it down at first because of vile things I was forced to drink and eat. So much pain and hatred, it is such a waste. I have grown up a bit since then. My Dad has a lot of the same stomach conditions I have. Both of my folks have had so many surgeries I've lost count.

Whew! I have calmed down even more. I took Jack the puppy for a walk and checked up on my neighbor. She is beyond precious and rare..truly sweet.  Jack also behaved extremely well and even showed off his "walk" skills and "jump" command for other neighbors that just moved in. There is hope for this crazy dog yet. I am just so proud.

I have felt like a great big brat in a temper tamper all day. Some of this hormones, I have figured out why they cause it menopause instead of meno-stop. Aaargh! Some was from the doc, some from my kids, some from obsessions, some because of money, housework. Stress that I have created for myself. Trying now instead to focus on what is real, true and good.

I pray tonight for me..and include that circle for all my friends, family and pets too. I also have specific people in mind, some I don't know by name. It doesn't matter, my God knows who they are and I really don't ask for things either. It is more like Uncle Russ had surgery, you know. My fb's friend grandma broke her hip. One of my favorite friends and her son, plus the rest.. Another really deserves so much better.. I end up global, for all the military people who should be home. For all the people who have hate/love, trials/blessings...my mind can't really encompass it all, but God's can. "He" was already watching over all these people, individually and has his own purpose for each one.

 I kind of pray like this all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less. Always have in a way and it relaxes me..the prayers circle around and come back. I don't really get answers just a bit of bliss. The best is when I can hear the music and know everything is going to be ok. It takes a bit of practise...and I don't always achieve it.

This is my level.

 What is yours?

Thanks for listening..TTYAL :-)!

sink, but then go swim

Today is the day I have to start living again. I am done waiting for answers that sometimes help and give clarity. I lately seem to be getting the messages that just make me more confused.This is not the first time.

 I took Honors Geometry back in good old LWHS back in Sophmore year. We started with a month of logic, followed by a month or so of doing proofs. I remember walking around in a daze...with crazy headaches. I also failed every quiz, and had close to failing grades on my tests. It was a nightmare. I had never had anything close to failing grades, and even though I tried to study even harder, it wasn't working. I always felt the teacher was very disappointed in me. My sister had been one of his "star" pupils. At one point he did say that with this subject, people needed "down" time to process it in their brains. Aaah!

I did pass the class, disliked the teacher forever after and have never done a proof since. I am going through "down" time now trying to make sense of all the informational, spiritual, and emotional "crap" from these past couple of months. My therapist? Sadly, I told you all I couldn't afford to be crazy. Too true. I cancelled this weeks appointment and will cancel all the rest soon. I can't even say good-bye except over the phone. At a $175 a week, a $400 deductible that I have already met...and a repayment of only 60% that is not being reimbursed yet. Um, no.

I am going to talk to Renee's therapist today. He is in network, and my husbands company offers 5 free visits as a starter before the insurance kicks in. It is a $200 deductible, with an 80% coverage..since we will be paying for 2 of us at $175 each..sigh. Crazy, huh? Somebody else can do the math, but I need a job.

They are building a Denny's close by..I will apply and hope that I not only get the job and hours I need, but that my body will take the strain. Why Denny's again? Without a degree in anything, and owing mas
sive amounts of student loans, it is the only job where I can earn more than minimum wage and keep it. Plus, I do have experience.LOlOl.

So "down" time for my psyche and action for the rest of me. Trying to stay off the emotional merry-go-round, and moving forward, not spinning my wheels. Lord, I could use some laughs and good news.
that was my new level. For any of my reader's, yeah, find some fun and share it..get out of your normal rut and pull somebody with you.

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left

And you help somebody every chance you get
...Oh, you find God's grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take

TTYAL..Have a great St. Patrick's Day or just a regular wondrous day.

beautiful loser

These two following quotes go together for me. How many people can look inside themselves, truly see their faults and not feel at least a twinge of something? Only those who have attained peace or enlightenment and those who feel nothing or accept their evil completely. Most of us fall somewhere in between, and at different levels, and at different times in our lives..

"There is a beauty in all my imperfections. He made me see that."

From the movie Crazy Beautiful

If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear -Confucious

Hmm..children, the younger they are..see nothing wrong at all. That's why they are so sweet and can be so naughty. We teach them guilt, along with compassion. Hopefully, a few other things as well. LOL.

Wow, it has been a long day already. My hubby left this morning back to work and Utah. It was a good visit for the most part and he will be back on his way in three days. A "visit", that where it is so wrong. He really doesn't live here. I'd really like for him to be able to move back home. My girlfriend will be visiting for three days after that, I am so excited. She is a forever friend, one of the select few that I am very close to, but don't see very often anymore. My brother visits the following week-end. We have only seen each other so rarely. The connection is always there, though. I am excited about that as well.

Last night I had a friend who I've been trying to help, help me. What can you say to that? Thank you Lord? Pretty much sums it up. Another friend, who my heart aches for, has seen too much death  these past few years. Another who is being given a second chance to re-build a life with hope, instead of despair. Actually these statements apply to more than one friend. I have specific people in mind, but other friends fall into the same situation. They even apply in more than a couple of instances. A special few, again, have had all three. They have helped me, they have faced the death of too many loved ones and they are being given a second chance or have already taken it.

They all inspire me, make me laugh, cry, think, and jump for joy.

My level is that I hope I can inspire others as well. For the next level is to improve on that..to be able to accept my imperfections and see the beauty. This is so I can look inside myself and find nothing wrong. Not perfection, but truth. No worry, no fear... at least for a moment. Sounds pretty good to me.
Thanks for reading..ttyal.

too tired to worry about anything

I started writing a blog tonight..wasn't the right topic. My mind kept wandering off it. I thought of a couple more ideas, then got kids off to bed and talked to a few friends on FB. Some more interesting then others...but all good. I managed to get a few things done today too. I love having my hubby home. I still Face Book way too much. Helped another friend today and had a couple friends help me, besides having a few laughs.

Japan..it is on so many people's minds. It hurts me, I can't watch the footage. Mother Nature wreaks her havoc. So much destruction, pain and suffering that I can't do a d**n thing about. I pray for them all, it is a sad pit in my stomach. The end-of-the-world people are all posting God posts, global financial ruin, and now are talking about nuclear meltdowns. I am...

I am here now..today, tonight. If I am not tomorrow I hope it is quick for all of us. If we end up stuck in a nightmarish world of radioactive poisoning and death? I will fight tooth-and-nail to survive for me and my family. I have read a lot of science fiction. The Beach, The Road, Lucifer's Hammer..I love watching survival movies, though they are usually pretty hokey.

Sadly, my daily life has not really changed at all because of Japan's tragedy, yet. Except for adding them in my prayers, it is routine. Taking care of the dog, cooking, cleaning..my kids are on Spring break. I am so glad my husband is home to act as a buffer. Otherwise, they tend to drive me crazy. LOL

I feel out of it today, I hate taking the meds I am on. I picked up refills from the pharmacy this afternoon. Not even realizing I am out of my anti-depressant for tomorrow. Crap! I swore I had more, did I double-dose unintentionally. Or am I just tired and worried about all the stuff I obsess on in my brain? Going to go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day.

The next level, I challenged a friend to do some physical work and to also do a good deed for somebody in need. I took soup over to my neighbor, sweetest lady ever. She has gone through way too much personal tragedy these past couple of years. I also walked the dog. I really don't feel good so I am not pushing it.

TTYAL..good night all. Hope you are all here for the next day.;-) Sorry this blog today is so mundane.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

All Aboard..

"Breaking News: The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Whining!."

I owe all of you a sincere I am so sorry. You are out there, reading my words and I do hope you are getting something out of it. Not for me but for yourselves...finding your own path and trying new levels...that in my wildest dreams intersect with everyone else's.

 I have been riding the pity train and while not immune to the ride at times have decided to "suck it up and move on". LOL..in the post that I stole from somebody on FB it was Quitchur Bitchin'. I am still bitching, but it isn't because I'm looking for your pity, and  I don't want it. My life has been what it has been, back to the good, the bad, and the ugly..some because it was and some from what I made of it.

I have been in a severe clinical depression for about 2 years..before New Year's. It isn't my husband's fault that we moved into a neighborhood that triggers the nightmares of my childhood and adolescence. I always called where I grew up the suburbs of the suburbs. It was a nice place, but boring as hell. I guess if we had had more money and were more socially acceptable it might have been funner, but then again maybe not. It got worse the older I got.

 I snuck out of the house at night the first time with my girlfriend when I was 13 or 14. We got picked up by 2 older guys in a car, and ended up at their house in another town. We smoked pot, and cigarettes..the guys were stoned and drunk. I learned a lot about sex that night, but was too scared to "go all the way". The visit by a cop in the middle of that was surreal. My "guy" wasn't too happy about my inexperience(!) and eventually passed out. My girlfriend had left with her "guy". SHIT!

I was in panic mode, I needed to get back home and soon with my girlfriend or without. I had had suicidal thoughts most of my life, this is the first time I actually looked for something to kill myself with. I searched through all the medicine cabinets and found nothing useful. I contemplated breaking the mirror and using the glass to slash my wrists. I cried a lot and prayed. The prayers of a desperate teen, that death was preferable to my folks finding out anything. The 'dude' was out cold.

Looking back now as a mother of an almost 13 year old girl. OMG! The what-ifs..he could have raped me, I could have said yes, I also could have gotten pregnant, been left for dead, or succeeded at my death wish. None of the above, some friends of his pulled up later and drove me home..and I snuck back inside my house. My girlfriend showed up a bit later..nobody ever knew. I never saw the "guy" again. I heard later he said some shit about me, whatever.

I blamed the marijuana, of course..I had never even kissed a boy before. I had never kissed anyone and been kissed back, except for dim memories of old Greek ladies pinching my cheeks hard and kissing my head. My family didn't do that sort of thing..kiss. Hugs ended when we reached puberty, and were very scary. God's love was the closest we got to that, all-out beatings, punches, pinches, kickings, and terror. Obedience was expected.

Why am I telling you all this? There is a shock factor involved, and I have used it with remarkable results over the years. I enjoy shocking people, still. It  also makes a good story, the fact that it is true just adds to that. What did I learn back then? I learned that I'd rather get into trouble for something fun, exciting, dangerous even, than for being "good". I learned that if all else fails, I could kill myself. I learned that drugs would let me do things that I didn't have to claim responsibility for. I learned it was way better to not get caught.

Here I go back to the title Run-away train..it's a song, by Soul Asylum "Run-away train never coming back, going down a one-way track.."  I went on that train ride too. People think it is about teen-age run-aways. Yes, it is also about doing drugs and addictions..and I still have to fight from boarding it. I miss getting high or wasted at times..the desire can be unbelievable.

Life choices, sometimes you know when you are making one..sometimes you don't. I knew that night I was...and the choices(!) all led to very different paths my life could have taken. I have said that my God has always been with me, I just don't always listen to the music. I heard the music that night and I think it saved me from other harsher realities. He did answer my prayers, just not anyway I expected him to.

Now I have been on the Crazy Train..another song by Ozzy Osbourne, "learn how to love and forget how to hate..mental wounds not healing, driving me insane." Yeah, I've been on that ride a bit too much lately. Whew! Facing life choices again, I am continuing my therapy and trying to stay connected. Too much Face book, but I still don't have too many "real" people in my life. Helping a friend out last night, I hope, helped me. Instant calm and internal peace.

The next level? Please, please accept my apology, and I hope you can face your life choices with the right song in your heart. Take the train that takes you to new and wonderful places..or walk.

Thanks for listening, TTYAL :-)

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

To Beer, or not to Beer..

Sometimes I know or have some general idea of what I am going to write about. Tonight? No. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain that it is hard to latch on to just one.

Yesterday was such a great day, and then it nose-dived. I accepted a beer from a friend, knowing full well that I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time. I drink so rarely that yes, one beer does affect me a bit. It doesn't help that the prescription meds I am on aren't supposed to be mixed with alcohol. That part of it doesn't worry me that greatly. I've used and abused a lot of "mixes". I also watched my husband mix Vicodin and beer for years. I find it amusing in a sad way that he doesn't remember this or how hard it was for him to break that habit. The bad part is I am now buzzed and all the little stinging bee thoughts come circling around.

The choices come next, who, what, where, when and how. I am alone as usual, I talk to my God and it helps. I talk to a friend, and keep my control which helps a small bit more. I do not go over and ask for more dark beer..whew! I do not go over and flirt with married men who like to see me drunk and whose wives are not home. My own husband is asleep or passed out. I don't like my hubby's beer, blcch. I also know I do not want to mix beer with any of the alcohol I have in stock. So, I am staying home, I am not going to get drunk. I have children to wake up to take care of in the morning. I up one of my prescription meds..I am only on 1/2 dosages. I have "permission" from the doc for this..if I need to sleep he says take a whole pill. I eye up the whole bottle...no, Renee and Max. My kids and my former job taught me this small control for many years. I am an adult, I have a choice.

I wake up at 5 am with a small headache and later I take a picture of the dawn and post it on Face book. A new day, a new sunrise..

I haven't blogged for a few days as I was struggling with why I am writing this. My motives are selfish, this is my therapy and is way cheaper than my therapist... lol. Though I am going to start printing it for him. If someone else finds help or a new understanding from my words, awesome! That I have reader's excites me and humbles me at the same time.

My next level? I made it through another day, and another..there is good and bad things that happened in both. Sometimes, all that you can manage is one day. It is okay, I am not superwoman.  Sometimes it comes down to a yes or no and eliminating all the maybes. I hope and pray for the someday that this is not even a struggle or if it is a thought, I can laugh about it. I have been there before, I will find it again.TTYAL Thanks for reading.

Abel started it..

Today..whew! One of those days where 2 wrongs don't make a right. Things just get worse..I have 2 kids upstairs who were physically beating each other up. They lost 15 minutes of play time and are still not asleep. One is in smirk mode and the other is in major temper/sadness. *sigh. I do not like being a parent in this moment. My brother's used to fight constantly as kids and teens. I never understood it then I don't understand it now.

I have seen bar fights up close and personal. It isn't like in the movies, where all hell breaks loose and it is fun and exciting. Real life is blood, damage and pain. Another time I witnessed a beat down, one "teen?" came in and broke another "teens" jaw. It took him all of about 5 minutes. I was the manager on duty, and was beyond stunned and shocked. I worked with another guy who got into bar fights a lot. He was originally going to be a lawyer. I heard he is incarcerated instead..it is so sad.

I love the Jason Bourne movies, and watched all of Buffy the Vampire series. I also loved Anita Blake in Laurel K Hamiliton's books, until all she did was sleep around instead of kick-ass. I still care about the characters, but I don't but the books anymore. My favorite series now is The Dresden Files by Jim Butcher, I love his other series as well, more like Lord of the Rings taken to a new level.

I watched Ali fight when I was a teen on TV...It was one of his later fights, can't remember against who and I watched the whole thing. He wasn't supposed to be able to last more than a couple rounds. It ended up being 19 and he won...he was beyond incredible. I have never watched boxing again. To see Ali so broken later in life.. is heart-wrenching.

We are a violent race....and I include woman too. Woman fight mean. But, not everyone and certainly not all at the same degree.

Tomorrow we are celebrating a moment of peace...at 12 AZ time I think..not sure. I'm happy to participate. Though I will be running on a treadmill with radioactive dye in my veins. Most likely wanting to kill someone for a smoke and a cup of joe. People have died for less reason. This is my next level tomorrow, I can do this every Fri afternoon at 12, just to take it up a notch.

I can watch "fictional violence" on TV, or in movies or read about it. Watching the real thing scares the hell out of me. I have a side of me that cringes and another part that wants to go for the throat. I am not sure which part is worse.

Tonight I pray for my friends, all the ones who have loved ones who are ill or who are ill themselves. Addiction is included in that, as it is a disease. Whatever the poison, drugs, alcohol, sex, violence..may you all find peace...sooner.

It's a Ride..

Today,... no tonight, is a rough one. I am on my addiction roller coaster and am stuck until it comes back to re-load. I hope and pray that I get through this shite tonight and don't get back on for another trip. I am rational enough to know it is all in my head, and body. I feel it, some minor pains..mostly it is this annoying buzz around myself. I want to escape.

I am going to go clean up my kitchen now, and then we shall see were we are at..OMG..LOL. Hell, forgot I had chocolate, that helps. I am menopausal, or having PMS. I already took the dog for a walk. I didn't up my caffeine or sugar level either..well, with the chocolate I just did. Chocolate has natural endorphins that calm and soothe.

I did get a few things done today, barely. I can't explain clearly all that goes through my mind when I am on this roller coaster. You have fear underneath it all, a sick terror of all the "things" you could do, then there is a sick queasy reminder of all the "things" you have done. My mind races, so fast from thought to thought, up up up and down down down with emotions...all of them. I call it the good, the bad and the ugly..

Am I out of control? No, at this point I have no control really. For  some  things  I do . I have avoidance and painful memories..I don't have any drug connections. No dealers, no party friends..except a few who drink. I have booze in the house..despise alcohol...and being drunk. Plus, I can't mix booze with the legal scrips I'm on. LOL, well I can, but probably not a good idea. This is where the ugly thoughts come..I could swallow another anti-dep..or worst case, chop it up and snort it.(*sigh)

When I was breaking myself of cocaine, I used to pretend I was snorting it. would even use some water and then let my imagination take over. I was flying...sometimes I would add some nasal spray..the real stuff not saline..would give me that burn. I did this when I was craving it and needed energy. I did other stuff too, probably not all that smart, maybe where my migraines came in. My sinuses are very messed up from years of abuse.

I would love to be high..marijuana. One of my favs, I stopped smoking, very few people knew I did, The cravings would get intense sometimes.Last time was right before we left WI. It had been well over a year before that. it was ok.. It has been two years now, since. I still have a handmade pipe upstairs..memento. The worse ever was smoking a joint smoked in formaldehyde..memories. I was so effed up , blacking out and finding myself somewhere else and then so gut-retching sick.

Talking about this helps, calms things down. i am getting tired too, which really helps. I talk to my 'God" too, always..he is pretty calming too, makes me feel less like an idiot. Because you do feel stupid and embarrassed, ashamed. i can put that off to the side, for now..not a useful thought i need right now.

My cigarettes aren't helping much and I am smoking way less. The Chantix is blocking the effects. I am not even panicking that I only have less than a full pack. this would have caused major panic even weeks ago and required a trip to the store. I'm good. It's amazing.

Sex, no don't even want to go there or even talk or think about it. nope, use your own damn imaginations.
Though just to be a bit evil..I can have multiple orgasms just by thinking about them...no cheating, by touching or even talking to someone else. When I went insane, my body went into convulsions with this, wasn't pleasant, no quite the opposite trip. My hubby was the one who held me while I cried, until I gained control. I love you dear, so much.

People say this isn't a disease..lol. O-ka-y, hope you don't catch it.

I use a new technique my therapist taught me..you find a happy secure place in your mind, then find a spot to focus on..eyes open or shut..and then you wrap yourself in a bubble that protects you from the outside and from your own inside too. My "God" aids with this too. Whew! the ride is over till the next boarding...

The next level? I am trying to learn how not to board the next train..for others you need help, ask, look, don't give up. The disease is NOT your fault..how you deal with it is the next step.

Am going to crash now, tired as hell. TMI? I am asking for реплиеш, comments..they are kept private now. Thanks for reading, ttyal.