"exit Light, enter Night."

Hi. Why am I writing? It isn't as if I don't have things to do. I have lists upon lists. I am not getting very far these past few days. I really have to let the drama in my head out. I am tired of it messing with my daily life plans. Self-medicating..any type of drug and alcohol is never a good idea for me. I know this, have always known this and still can find ways to talk myself into it. Numbing myself out. It doesn't matter what I took or what combo I used. It triggered my migraines.

I have been asleep on-and-off for three days..today is Thursday? ugh. I am still exhausted, the anemia is wiping me out. Yawn. My one girlfriend described her time before her surgery as feeling like you are going to bleed to death. Yep. I am too tired to even worry about it or care. I am going through some motions, but crapola.

I can't even keep up with my FB'ers. LOL, that is bad.

My hubby will be home Monday for four days, then he leaves for four. Thanksgiving I guess we are doing early. Max's birthday (my 11/12 year old son) will be after that. Then my surgery, then recovery, then Christmas. Woo-hoo, so not. I am not bah-humbugging I am just NOT in the mood. I have so many many things I am thankful about. I am just having problems sticking with it. Staying with my reality, instead of zoning out. My reality?? It can be really monotonous, boring, and lonely.

Tomorrow is another day, as always. I will still be here.

I have figured out that my obsession doesn't matter. Finally. It doesn't matter whether somebody likes or loves me. I have plenty who do. The ones who don't had their chance, and didn't want it. I am finally getting some distance from it. I don't even have to feel sorry or mad. It is just done. Whatever.

Their are people who don't like me, some who hate me or did. Some folks, plenty of folks have never met me. It is ok. I am not worried about it any more.

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ― Mother Teresa

I am nowhere close to where she was at, but this quote gives me hope and peace. Thanks for listening as always. TTYAL.

The title is from a song from Metallica, I own no rights to the song or lyrics.

 I am probably the only person who would include Metallica and Mother Teresa into the same blog, but be that as it may, it is about singing your own tune...and not worrying about what others think about it it..it is YOUR life. My life is going back to sleep for now and smiling at a puppy who yips in his sleep.

no pain..

I don't know what to do with myself today. I have energy now, but no desire to really do anything. I want to get "effing" wasted and just give the whole world the finger. Everything is annoying me, it feels like a screech on a blackboard kind of feeling. I am not sure where all this frustration is coming from. PMS? Maybe. I finished two books this week, and while I enjoyed both. Crap! I didn't get a rush or fix off of them. My life is still boring, even with my hubby here. Physically, for the most part, I am doing way better.

I want.

I don't know what I want, nothing is working. Facebook only distracts me for a little while, shopping. *sigh. I still have not completely regained my kitchen. I am not even sure what to clean or stock, my mind is a mess. My husband has kept me distracted for a while. I smile here. I am off the pain meds. I have another 1/2 hour till the kids go to bed. Aaargh.

Okay, I can do this. I can get through the turmoil running around loose in my brain and let it go. I say a few choice swear words here. I am not all alone, my God is always with me. He is not saying too much. Or maybe, I am just not getting the message. I need somewhere to go, something to do. Something real. My life?? OMG-LOL.

I will stop now and breathe, whew! It may not be the right answer but it is what I have. I talked with friends, virtually but still very important. I am snuggling with my puppy a bit. I took a sleepy pill that is also for anxiety and I can feel it seeping into my brain. I will 'fess up that I took a 1/4 dose of pain pills. My stomach hurts, but I'll admit it is more for the buzz. It gives my head that dopey sense of being at peace. It slows down the whirlwind and lets me unwind.

 Bed, sleep and tomorrow a new dawn. Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so, and hope that it is for all that read this too. G'night and talk to you all later.