Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

I have a Scar ..

Yesterday, LOL I was tripping out. Pity party time, freaking about small things in my life. A friend pointed it out and now? I am not going to guilt myself over it. That would usually be the next step. Really. I would agonize about how petty and trivial I can be. I would basically thrash myself internally as a punishment. Written and cried at myself, been harsh and critical and a few other silliness. Enough!

I am trying out new things, behavior and actions. Changing yourself is strange, at first everything seems bizarre and twisted. I am a non-smoker. Wow! I am chewing on a drinking straw as I type. I chew on them, twist them, tie them into knots, drop them. My puppy Jack has picked up the habit, too. I may need a 12-step program for straw addiction, but that is okay. As far as I know it doesn't cause cancer yet.

Right now I am tired. I did have major surgery and it has taken a toll. Whitened a few more of my hairs and gave me a new scar. I have to admit as far as surgeries go, except for Lasik this has been the smoothest. I am alive and doing very well. The recovery has been sweetened by my mother-in-law who really is incredible. I hit the jackpot when I married my hubby. I love being a Tschudi. I just hate the way the name is spelled. By the way, it is pronounced shoot-ee or shoe-dee or close enough.

It is the week-end and I have two extra adults in my house that I love, my family. Being grateful for that isn't difficult. I copied a quote on FB yesterday about people being a blessing or a lesson. Usually for me it is both. I learn and re-learn to be thankful for what I have been given. I am an addict, I am the mother of two crazy kids and a wackier puppy. I am a wife and daughter-in-law, and I have friends who not only cheer me up and care. They also keep me company and make me laugh, even when I am being "doofy".

That I do the same for them goes without saying. That part of it has always been a joy to me. I think the level for me today was to open my eyes and look around. Wipe the grit out from my eyes, squint against the sun glare and see. It is a beautiful beautiful world, thank God. My tribulations, problems, whining are all still there. My peace and inner music never left.  I hear them when I can stop distracting myself. I am so human, and therefore, err. Moving on, and keeping at it is my next level. Remembering to laugh, my addictions embarrass me, but I got to admit, there is worse things to be.

Talk to you all later, thanks for listening, love ya!

OOPS!

The things we realize, looking back.  I am an addict, I say it, I know it. Somehow, I forget. I stopped the pain pills yesterday, I wasn't taking too many in fact, probably 1/2 of the recommended dosage. The shakes started tonight. Then the hot/colds.. CRAP!

My hubby looked over at me at one point and laughed. "Yep, you are shaking." I did a 1/2 dosage of the med tonight. I will do another 1/2 or quarter tomorrow. I have weaned myself off of drugs before. Being addicted to pain meds? This isn't any different. I did enjoy my buzz for awhile, I guess. "high hopes" anyone? LOL

My stomach hurts from laughing and the removal of 12 staples. Ewww! I still have this drain thing, it is a really long tube attached to my insides somehow and ends up in a plastic bottle. I pin it to my underwear. I also get to empty the liquid from it. Mark, my hubby can't look at any of this stuff. It totally grosses him out and makes him nauseous. My mother-in-law finds it all fascinating. I wish she had been there for the birth of my kids. She would have been way more useful. Sorry, honey.

She is incredible, she has done the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry..I sleep.. and FB and I am not really sure what I am doing. I won't be able to drive till I get these pain meds completely out of my system. It is just going to take longer than I thought. 

I don't have any wise advice or even anything to say here other than "duh". I, of course, spaced off my niece's wedding. Congrats, honey. Nobody was really expecting me to show up. I am not very connected to either side of my family. FB has just recently opened some of those boundaries. My hubby is very close to his, while he lives as far away as he can. lol, I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

I am going to go upstairs soon, check on the kids and go to sleep. It is the week-end I may manage more than a couple of hours. There is laundry I need done, tomorrow. I am still not allowed to do anything. OK, I do know that I am a bit stuck on myself. It is a me.. me... me..thing. Yep! Since I can't sneak into other people's minds I have to stick with what I know. People do fascinate me though.

I am still shaking, and it is really getting annoying now. Good night everyone. Thanks for listening. TTYAL..

 

Next?

I have been really out of it for quite a few days now. The physical pain isn't so bad now. I have eased up on the pain meds. My mother-in-law is here taking care of me and my family. I love it, but find it strange. I still don't understand why I am so tired. All I have been doing is sleeping. I see the doctor in two days, hopefully my bowels will have figured out what they are supposed to do by then. I have been taking a laxative/stool softener, here's hoping.

I know, ugh! right? More people suffer from digestive problems than you'd believe. It isn't the topic of polite conversation. I suffer from irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). It is a catchphrase of sorts for any stomach or digestive order they can't "find" a reason for. I have had IBS since my 20's or before. I'll write an article about it someday. Not in this forum, though. Suffice it to say I usually have what I call "constipated diarrhea". It is nasty. *sigh. This surgery may make it better or worse or not affect it at all.

I have been enjoying the buffer time. It is weird to see my kids with their Dad and Grandma. It is almost always just me. Not having the full and total responsibility has been nice. It is also sweet that I don't have to lift or bend over either. I am very sore.

I am not sure what my point is tonight. I feel out of it, but am still here. I am tired but still awake. I haven 't been getting my normal thrill out of fb that I usually do. I don't know why. Nothing holds my interest for very long and I get irritable for no real reason. I am still not smoking. Which may have a lot to do with it. Breaking the habit/mold of 30 some years is an undertaking. One step at a time.

My hubby smokes, and his mom smokes, they both drink. They both tied one on last night. I was very irritated with this. But a friends wise words kept me balanced. It is my choice to stay straight. Not because of my kids, though that is part of it, mostly because the madness affects me more. When I drink or do drugs, I don't have an off switch.. I just keep going and going..it can get really ugly.

Way tired again so I am going to go snooze again. Keep your cool, one way or another, I'll have more on that story another day. Thinking about you all and thank you for all the prayers and well wishes. I am doing remarkably well. I miss my girlfriend Mindy and all the help she was the first few days of my surgery. I love her, forever. I love my mother-in-law Gloria too, for all she has done flying out here and making my life so easy.

I love my hubby and kids too. They are working so hard to not upset me. I am not the fragile flower they are treating me as but it is ok. My fb friends have kept me balanced with humor and sincerity.lol Goodnight all, please pray that I will be able to poop soon. Sorry, couldn't resist that one. Seriously. ttyal and thanks for listening.

Giving All my Secrets Away.

Good Morning! If I start writing this I probably won't get any of my chores started. Hmm..LOL. I am in a very good mood this morning. I am not going to question or analyze this. I am just enjoying it. I have great FB friends. I don't know about anyone else's experiences with this. My group of friends uplift me and make me smile or laugh, cry, ponder and say the darnedest things sometimes. No wonder I am hooked.

I am including a link, it is "How to Overcome Addictive Personality" by Lisa Fritscher on eHow.http://www.ehow.com/how_5692048_overcome-addictive-personality.html


If you don't read the link, you will have a harder time understanding what I am talking about. #1. I do see a therapist now. I tease him that he was the third. My first one was an on-line minister and licensed counselor. He helped me tremendously when my world and mind shattered. There are severe limitations to on-line counseling, however. He helped me find the courage, strength, and recommendations to go to a therapist in person. We remain friends now, he is an awesome guy. My 2nd therapist helped glue me back together, so I could be functional again. Before that I was sleeping at the most a couple of hours a day here and there. I was drinking coffee and soda by the bucket, smoking 4 packs a day. Really. "Tweaking and freaking" I have said that before..it was a bad time for me, my kids, and hubby.

My present therapist is more affordable as he is in my insurance plan, and I received 6 free visits through my husbands EAP.(Employee Assistance Plan). With the insurance he is only $13 a week. Whew! My other doc was around $50. I also relate better to my new guy, which is very important. You have to have the right fit or it isn't going to help you much. He speed-reads like I do. That was the first bonus, though I think I am faster. LOLOL. He was my daughter's therapist, so he understands some of those issues. He also helped her with her depression. She, at present, doesn't want to talk to him.  It is okay. I do need to find somebody who has a speciality with Asperger's and teens. This has been very frustrating, very few and far between.

A good therapist doesn't judge you or tell you how to live. They listen and point out your underlying issues with things. They help you form your own action plan based on what your dreams and goals are. Healthy alternatives, and facing the "demons" of past experiences with a trained guide. I cannot even begin to explain how much this has helped me. The hardest part, taking the first step and then continuing... It is work, and at times scary for me. By facing the fears, I get more mentally stable and healthier. "Which is fun for the whole family". LOL, if you know THAT movie reference you get a gold star.

 Why am I telling you all this? I knew I needed help throughout my life. I didn't know where to get it and was too scared at times to go look. So, I did the best I could with what I had available. I have had a lot of great friends in my life, who seemed to be there at just the right time. Other times I drew upon my hubby and kids. Before that...there has been the dark times that I had to get myself out of. This last episode..I needed major help. This has really all been a whirlwind for me. Cleaning out all the debris and building anew, using new material and old. "We can build it, stronger, faster,..LOL" Old TV show.

My family including Jack the puppy and FB is now my support group. Fb is also one of my main addictions..LOL. I am doing waay better, but have a long way to go. I also have a woman's group that just started. Yey! I do need something else. I have some ideas, but I have to get some of my physical mystery issues done first.. God is my back-up..always with me. He/she has me covered. I can't explain that.

Boredom is a real problem, I read, I write now, I would like to start drawing again. I am working on finding  fun activities with my kids. I try to swim daily and will start my bike-riding again when it cools down outside. Doing my house chores, aargh. Taking care of the kids and a dog...and even my hubby when he is home. Money is always a major dark cloud over my head. *sigh, I need a job/career/ alternative income. Praying and thinking...I am very good at spending money. *sigh, again.



 

"At what point did you cease to own it, and it began to own you?" posted by Bill Moser.

 Good question, and one I have to ask myself continually. There is good addictions, but I would like to learn how to resist the "hook". I have fought the line and broke free of so many things, but there are so many different tasty hooks out there. Now I am looking for the worms, bugs and sustenance I need without the attachments.

Have a great day, keep your head up and watch out for those hooks. If you are already there..you can win free. You aren't alone. The battle is yours, but take whatever help you can find and use it. Thanks for listening to me..TTYAL. Crap, my kitchen floor still isn't washed. LOL.

Rainy Days and Mondays..always make me High.

The depression is taking over today. I am fighting against it and trying to stay afloat. I was in the pool holding onto a swim noodle. My feet weren't touching and the current just kept swirling me around slowly in a circle. A different viewpoint and thought for every 1/4 or 1/8 turn. I could look at the sky and realize my face was burning. Or put the back of my head in the water and not listen to a sound except underwater gurgle. Awh gheeze. I am so tired.

Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.

Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears  have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?

It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.

My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.

My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.

I have reached my limit and beyond.

This is not the end of it, though.

Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.

I am not "normal" either. LOL

As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.

I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.

All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it  just happened.

In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.

When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.

I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!

Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.

There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

from  Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry:  "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."

I am the Year, Day and Hour of the Dragon.

Let's play a game, shall we?

Have you ever had the feeling, where you are an outside observer of your own life? The past couple of days, I have felt a bit strange, sort of in it, but also on the outside looking in. I was fighting the sensation at first and then just shrugged, laughed, and welcomed it. Especially, today.

My hubby and my girlfriend of 20 years were in town, it is her second visit to my home. We are close and I always think of it as "me casa es su casa". My house/home is yours and vice-versa. It sounds cooler in Spanish. LOL. Silly Americans, we are fascinated by other languages and cultures, but also remain aloof, too. A few phrases here and there makes us feel global. This isn't all Americans..there are international travelers of all kinds and stripes. There is also quite a few who are multi-lingual. But, for the majority of Caucasian/European mutt suburbanites like me..another language, accent, culture is an exotic flavor. Working with a guy from Africa, who knew at least 4 languages, he told me Americans are snobs. LOL.

We are and aren't. I think we don't mean to be, but that is how we appear to the rest of the world at times. I think it is due more to exposure and opportunity. So many of us are sheltered in our own immediate surroundings. Global news is hard to attach a whole lot of meaning to, unless it is especially graphic of some nature. Even news in our own country is easily shrugged off or doesn't make an impact. It doesn't really change much of our day-to day.

We also have the world come to us, which America is the biggest mix of cultures, religions, ethnicity, "classes". We brew our own too, from inner-city ghetto to militant gun groups, Amish farmers, way way too many to list..and each generation stirs it up more. It has been called the great "melting pot", LOL..more like the big dutch oven of diversity. A huge container of hobo stew that isn't mixed up very often, so the flavors just intermingle and sometimes blend, and disagree or shock the senses. Each spoonful tastes completely different. I find it amazing...the world does too.

"On the outside looking in.." but still in my own skin. Today, with my kids and puppy feeling down..we always do when my husband leaves. It is a double whammy with my girlfriend gone too. She is so truly genuine. I smile, love you lady! We all played a board game last night, that she bought us. After some protests and acting out, we all got in to it and had a blast. Thank you so much, Ms. Mindy, it was a wonderful family night that we will all remember for years to come. The smile and joy of your entire visit help counter the loss of your presence.That was just one highlight among so many. The distancing I am feeling really is helping me keep my emotions under control, and handle my kids as well. Jack the puppy is so forlorn.

The only real regret is I didn't get a picture of all of us. I have to get up, motivated. Had my intake of coffee, time to shower, dress, clean a bit, fold laundry(ugh, maybe) as I have physical therapy to go to today for my shoulder/ neck. It feels so much better. I visit an Ob/gyn tomorrow to talk about possible surgical options, and my therapist the day after that. I also have other appointments and chores to get to..mmhhhmm.

The sun is blasting today, 112/79 degrees F forecast...whew! We will all be inside till it cools down a bit in the evening. Hope my words encourage, inspire, or amuse. Trying today to count my blessings, remain positive, and keep this open line going with my kids. Being thankful for what I have, LOL..great FB friends, a hard-working loving hubby, my "real" friends(lol), my kids, house, puppy, use of all my limbs and brain. A sense of humor to laugh at the funny parts and keeping it real.

"Life is too short!!! Live it up, break the rules, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh loudly, have fun, make memories, and never forget or regret anything that once made you smile :)"

posted by my astral "twin"! TY!

TTYAL, thanks for listening.

woke up this morning..

Today, LOLOL

Yeah, today I woke up. I can say things got better.. they did. The waking up part though, we take it as a given every day. I curse it lately as my sleep patterns are all whacked. I did okay today, it was 5 AM or so. My daughter was already up. *sigh. I felt like she has invaded my space and my time slot. Plus, the deja vu moment of seeing her exactly where she had been when I went to sleep. Did she sleep at all? Found out she did, just not much.

I am not the only one with sleep problems. It is a very common complaint on FB. Mine is a combo of all sorts of things, and pre-menopause. Renee, my daughter, has depression and hormones. We are more alike than we care to admit. I laugh here. The therapy has helped, my relationship with her has been steadily improving. I am loving it, normally I would have been yelling at her or being a "bitch" of some kind. Instead we talked pleasantly and she went and took a shower, without a fight of any kind. Wow!

I was very sick, physically for a few days. IBS and my hernia, plus stress and not eating right, I have felt so much better. Decided my bathroom really could use a new paint job too. Ugh! Was it the iron pills or the sips of vanilla shake? Who knows? I did manage to NOT throw up..YEY! A personal daily goal that I am always happy to fulfill.

Mother's day is difficult, and a few other things. I couldn't figure out WTFH my problem was. A video of a guy in a wheelchair set me straight. Guilt, we all have it..don't need it. So why are we hanging on to it?

I am not so sure about no guilt ever. Hmm, really have to think about that. But, as an addict and a human, I tend to build emotions to incredibly insane amounts. Forgive..yourself and others. For me letting things go was like losing a 1000 lbs of shite. It will build again, and I will have to tackle the mountain, but um..wow. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or being weak. It is more of okay, enough already...let's move on.

Today is another day, and yes..I have woken up again. Amazing isn't it? No, I am really not being sarcastic. My  one friend calls it a gift, I call it life. Not everyone is so blessed and then it is done. I had so many days where I cried and cursed..WTF. I still have a few where I will do the same. Life isn't supposed to be easy, or fun, or..what? It can be those things, and sometimes it is pain, anguish, suffering. Some days it is just blah, who cares? Those are the really dangerous days. Because deep down somewhere, you know you care.

I have had a beautiful sunshine day in the desert. Today, I had a little bird that almost landed on me..without any fear. I said hello, it seemed the polite thing to do. I also saw a smaller lizard doing his push-ups in the sun. I have a crazy black puppy who greets me with unrestrained joy every morning. I have a hubby who supports me. I have two beautiful kids. I have friends, who I talk with daily. Some give me a push in the right direction, others I pray for, or encourage, laugh or cry with. They are real. I am still looking for more ways to meet people here. It scares me. With Facebook, you can walk away or delete people or block them...actual life is harder.

Lately, I hear screaming in my head. It has become an almost constant white noise, sometimes very loud and at other times just a whisper. When I listen, it makes me sad. When it is all I can hear, I feel crazy in my own skin, I itch all over and hurt inside and out. Is this scaring you? LOL, scares me a bit too, my head, remember? It is different from my yearnings and addictions, though connected. I will talk about this more another time. I am still trying to sort it out. Wish me luck with that, a few prayers probably wouldn't hurt either.

To my fellow friend, SA..you asked me for help. Now you understand why I can't. Not because of what we talked about or didn't. I am not so sure what you want, justification or a way to change. *sigh. The fact that you have to hide everything from your spouse should clue you in to the problem. She doesn't trust you, with good reason. She also deserves better and so do you. So do I..lol...don't we all?

Another day, another chance to do something, to make a difference small or large. To act instead of react..levels?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. - William James

Somewhere, somehow, to someone..yep. Enough serious..

The fun never stops, it just changes its underpants---Deborah Hamilton

Still laughing my ass off, uh-huh. Have a wondrous day and be thankful that you woke up..I am today.
Thank you for listening and I will TTYAL.

I say a little prayer for you

I have 2 or 3 previous drafts..all wildly different. The last one was more of a rant as I was so angry. I have said before that I hate America's health policies, medical mysteries, and health insurance. I still do.

I made it to the heart doctor, didn't get lost and didn't smoke in my car. My insurance was denying all my claims. They needed to know if I had any secondary insurance. Um, no..no..and no..duh. This is probably why I still haven't been reimbursed for my therapist either. Called and went through an automated robot voice..not sure if it is straightened out or not yet.

All my tests were normal except for a very small seepage in 1 valve, which they say is normal. OK, this means I spent almost $500 with the "insurance" to find out nothing. The doctor was nice enough to give me a prescription for a drug that retains salt. Other than that it was another test or two...*sigh. Maybe I will go back to my GP. My Canadian neighbor may be around in Fall, he's a doctor. If my hubby fixes enough stuff for him? LOL.

Another drug? That makes 4 scrips now...plus A&D, and a few other vitamins. At least they are all cheap ones, I worked in a pharmacy..some people spend a boatload of money every week. It is really sad. I hate taking any of them, they all make me nauseous. Plus vitamins, aargh..despise taking pills, even though I am a pro at it. My parents were health food nuts, we had to choke down at least 5 to 10 pills every Saturday and Sunday. By sophomore year this became a daily ordeal with my Dad. Kelp tablets taste like seaweed because guess what? They ARE seaweed! Blch...there are worse things though.(shudder) "sprout water" You really don't want to know.

When I started taking diet pills to lose weight and stay awake. I used to thank them for that. When I had to swallow ibuprofen dry or chew aspirin because my hands were hurting and swollen so much. I thanked them again. I could drink any kind of alcohol and keep it down at first because of vile things I was forced to drink and eat. So much pain and hatred, it is such a waste. I have grown up a bit since then. My Dad has a lot of the same stomach conditions I have. Both of my folks have had so many surgeries I've lost count.

Whew! I have calmed down even more. I took Jack the puppy for a walk and checked up on my neighbor. She is beyond precious and rare..truly sweet.  Jack also behaved extremely well and even showed off his "walk" skills and "jump" command for other neighbors that just moved in. There is hope for this crazy dog yet. I am just so proud.

I have felt like a great big brat in a temper tamper all day. Some of this hormones, I have figured out why they cause it menopause instead of meno-stop. Aaargh! Some was from the doc, some from my kids, some from obsessions, some because of money, housework. Stress that I have created for myself. Trying now instead to focus on what is real, true and good.

I pray tonight for me..and include that circle for all my friends, family and pets too. I also have specific people in mind, some I don't know by name. It doesn't matter, my God knows who they are and I really don't ask for things either. It is more like Uncle Russ had surgery, you know. My fb's friend grandma broke her hip. One of my favorite friends and her son, plus the rest.. Another really deserves so much better.. I end up global, for all the military people who should be home. For all the people who have hate/love, trials/blessings...my mind can't really encompass it all, but God's can. "He" was already watching over all these people, individually and has his own purpose for each one.

 I kind of pray like this all the time, sometimes more, sometimes less. Always have in a way and it relaxes me..the prayers circle around and come back. I don't really get answers just a bit of bliss. The best is when I can hear the music and know everything is going to be ok. It takes a bit of practise...and I don't always achieve it.

This is my level.

 What is yours?

Thanks for listening..TTYAL :-)!

too tired to worry about anything

I started writing a blog tonight..wasn't the right topic. My mind kept wandering off it. I thought of a couple more ideas, then got kids off to bed and talked to a few friends on FB. Some more interesting then others...but all good. I managed to get a few things done today too. I love having my hubby home. I still Face Book way too much. Helped another friend today and had a couple friends help me, besides having a few laughs.

Japan..it is on so many people's minds. It hurts me, I can't watch the footage. Mother Nature wreaks her havoc. So much destruction, pain and suffering that I can't do a d**n thing about. I pray for them all, it is a sad pit in my stomach. The end-of-the-world people are all posting God posts, global financial ruin, and now are talking about nuclear meltdowns. I am...

I am here now..today, tonight. If I am not tomorrow I hope it is quick for all of us. If we end up stuck in a nightmarish world of radioactive poisoning and death? I will fight tooth-and-nail to survive for me and my family. I have read a lot of science fiction. The Beach, The Road, Lucifer's Hammer..I love watching survival movies, though they are usually pretty hokey.

Sadly, my daily life has not really changed at all because of Japan's tragedy, yet. Except for adding them in my prayers, it is routine. Taking care of the dog, cooking, cleaning..my kids are on Spring break. I am so glad my husband is home to act as a buffer. Otherwise, they tend to drive me crazy. LOL

I feel out of it today, I hate taking the meds I am on. I picked up refills from the pharmacy this afternoon. Not even realizing I am out of my anti-depressant for tomorrow. Crap! I swore I had more, did I double-dose unintentionally. Or am I just tired and worried about all the stuff I obsess on in my brain? Going to go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day.

The next level, I challenged a friend to do some physical work and to also do a good deed for somebody in need. I took soup over to my neighbor, sweetest lady ever. She has gone through way too much personal tragedy these past couple of years. I also walked the dog. I really don't feel good so I am not pushing it.

TTYAL..good night all. Hope you are all here for the next day.;-) Sorry this blog today is so mundane.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

OK, OK..Time to Blog

Today, I am giving in. I started writing last night and was so tired as usual. I had to laugh at myself. Tomorrow is another day, get some rest. What a novel idea, to blog when you are alert and awake.

I got the kids off to school, Jack the puppy calmed down, started laundry, cleaned dog-poop and smoked and FB'ed too much. I did update my calendar and talked to my hubby on the phone. Oh, and did shower and get dressed. The to-do list in my head..so much larger. The thoughts in my head, internal chaos that I balance..I give in. I shall write and maybe it will ease up a bit. I didn't want to wash the floors today, anyway. To be truthful, I never ever want to do any form of housework at all. I have to force myself. Unless I am at someone else's house..then it is fun.

A quick look back at yesterday, my hubby went back on his way to Utah/work. I made it to my daughter's special school conference with a different psychologist in charge. *sigh* I HATE these meetings, as I really don't have any more answers or solutions to my daughter's issues than they do. My daughter has Asperger's, depression, and is going to be 13 soon. While able to pass all her tests with A's or B's generally refuses to do homework, assignments, projects or participate and is generally a pain-in -the-ass. This has been going on for 2 years? She usually has F's in every subject except choir and her other "choice" class. It was nice to find out she was getting C's. this quarter. YEY!

She ended up meeting with a therapist last night. First one who has agreed to meet with her. The Asperger's scared them off, or our insurance. In between that I fell into my hole. The black pit of worry, despair, loneliness, pain and crap. I didn't do anything too crazy except message a friend.Whew! I also managed to move on up and get on with it. Not by any miracle cure, but by the fact that my life wouldn't allow me too. I find that is a positive sign.

I have been asked how my own therapy is going. My answer is that I find it weird. We are attempting to re-mold my inner brain..serious. I can't really explain the process, not yet. My problems with it is..the rest of the week, hopes and dreams, and the cost. Our insurance is being balky. They are supposed to be paying a percentage, haven't seen that reimbursement yet.  So, we are footing the bill on our own and are maxed out. This is not good, and a decision I will talk about another day.

I realize I have to make some choices and soon. I can't spend the rest of my life sitting on my couch riding the pity train..I need more real human contact. I need a job that pays money. I need an action plan, goals short-term and long-term and they need to be written from what drives me. My fear? Oh, I hope to hell not.

The next level for me I have already touched on, for you my reader's? LOL, I am beginning to doubt that you are real either. (sorry) What is your action plan? what are your goals? What drives you?

I am sending out prayers for a few things, the will and energy to see this through. For my friends with special needs, death of loved ones, medical issues which also includes the mind. Depresson, addiction, and obsessive thinking and habits that cause real pain and sorrow. Snap out of it? yeah ok! Doesn't work that way. I also have a few friends I have blocked and another 2 I am thinking about blocking. I hate that, but they are either too stuck on one thing, are not accepting any other truth but themselves or are too negative. I have only permanently unfriended 2 people, and re-friended one. I pray for them all. I'd pray for the whole world but "god" is supposed to be taking care of it. I guess I will include that also as it needs a new level too. You can join me with that at any time. ;-) TTYAL and thanks for reading.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

To Beer, or not to Beer..

Sometimes I know or have some general idea of what I am going to write about. Tonight? No. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain that it is hard to latch on to just one.

Yesterday was such a great day, and then it nose-dived. I accepted a beer from a friend, knowing full well that I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time. I drink so rarely that yes, one beer does affect me a bit. It doesn't help that the prescription meds I am on aren't supposed to be mixed with alcohol. That part of it doesn't worry me that greatly. I've used and abused a lot of "mixes". I also watched my husband mix Vicodin and beer for years. I find it amusing in a sad way that he doesn't remember this or how hard it was for him to break that habit. The bad part is I am now buzzed and all the little stinging bee thoughts come circling around.

The choices come next, who, what, where, when and how. I am alone as usual, I talk to my God and it helps. I talk to a friend, and keep my control which helps a small bit more. I do not go over and ask for more dark beer..whew! I do not go over and flirt with married men who like to see me drunk and whose wives are not home. My own husband is asleep or passed out. I don't like my hubby's beer, blcch. I also know I do not want to mix beer with any of the alcohol I have in stock. So, I am staying home, I am not going to get drunk. I have children to wake up to take care of in the morning. I up one of my prescription meds..I am only on 1/2 dosages. I have "permission" from the doc for this..if I need to sleep he says take a whole pill. I eye up the whole bottle...no, Renee and Max. My kids and my former job taught me this small control for many years. I am an adult, I have a choice.

I wake up at 5 am with a small headache and later I take a picture of the dawn and post it on Face book. A new day, a new sunrise..

I haven't blogged for a few days as I was struggling with why I am writing this. My motives are selfish, this is my therapy and is way cheaper than my therapist... lol. Though I am going to start printing it for him. If someone else finds help or a new understanding from my words, awesome! That I have reader's excites me and humbles me at the same time.

My next level? I made it through another day, and another..there is good and bad things that happened in both. Sometimes, all that you can manage is one day. It is okay, I am not superwoman.  Sometimes it comes down to a yes or no and eliminating all the maybes. I hope and pray for the someday that this is not even a struggle or if it is a thought, I can laugh about it. I have been there before, I will find it again.TTYAL Thanks for reading.

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.

Alice, Where Are You Going? Part I

Crazy is as crazy does. LOL, My internal mind can be quite calm or a battlefield. One friend told me to not let anyone convince me I was insane..another person told me not only that I was beyond insane, but addicted to the chaos of it. They are both right.

My life now is about as sane as it can be. I have the kids, my hubby, my house, the puppy. I have different projects, this blog, Face book(!), cleaning, decorating and maintaining my home, cooking, all the other housewife kinds of things. I'm a parent and dog-owner..it is a pretty similar job, except I can't put my kids on a leash or in a cage. No matter how much I would like to at times! I watch TV, movies, listen to music, read..:-)

I go shopping, Wal-Mart/Target, Fry's, Kohl's, Pet-Smart, Home Depot, Office Max, etc., gas stations. I go out to eat, to the library, the bank, and to school functions. Lately, I have added various doctors' appointments and a weekly therapist. I try to take daily walks and during the summer swim daily. Max. my son, usually has at least one friend over at one point or goes to their house. I say hello to my neighbor's if I see them, on very rare occasions I visit with them or they come over.

Have I put you all to sleep yet?

The next level? Part II..sorry. I think quite a few people can relate to my story so far. The "madness" of it all is much harder to write and think about. I do promise that I won't make you wait long. I've always hated "to be continued"s..or "cliff-hangers".

Thank you all for reading so far. I was re-approved for my ads, if you click on them I might get paid. LOL, I have no idea what they do..I am not allowed to click on them. TTYAL very soon.

Daffy Was the One With a Bill

If I start writing this , I probably won't go back to sleep. That idea is still a possibility...it is 3:33 am..my alarm is set for 6..but 6:33 is still doable. Hmm..nope, guess not. I shouldn't have made coffee.

My hubby is home, arrived yesterday right after me and the kids came back from dinner and grocery shopping. I was proud of myself that I had already started homemade chicken noodle. My poor honey has the flu, which I gave him last week.  I was even happier that I did buy the rotisserie chicken. It finished it off nicely. I am really hoping his strain hasn't mutated..or that he ends up with pneumonia, again. He has a history with that. I had a boss that had the same problem, she developed it anytime she caught a cold. All I can say to that one is karma is a bitch sometime. I told you I wasn't a saint...LOL.

I am not sure who me or my husband wronged in a previous life. We have had a bit more than our fair share of medical issues...and now can add psychological ones as well. I have always believed mind, body, and soul are intertwined. With my present therapy this becomes truer every day. I can't explain the techniques we use and am not going to even try to. It really does help, so far. Though I still think psychology is a necessary "evil"  kind of dirty science. So all therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists etc. are a bit suspect and shady...especially when they are being nice. I laugh here.

I love Sociology. It is so much cleaner and clear-cut. I had a beyond awesome teacher for it, and while I could use a review. I have used it,  over and over in my life and seen it in action, first hand. I love the idea of being a circle and having everything  interact with circles, friends, family, neighborhood, interests. Face book is a big social global circle and keeps expanding..that makes me smile. Even if it is run by 'evil' aliens who force changes that nobody likes, wants or understands..OMG, lol. I could do without the virus attacks there too.

I saw a cardiologist on Wednesday..really really liked him which helps. My low blood pressure is still having its occasional drops..which makes no sense as I practically live on caffeine..for years and years. I have been addicted to nicotine for over 30 years. I crave sweets/sugar and salt..olives, pickles, pepperocini are my top favorite foods, plus nuts, sesame anything, and sunflower seeds. Chocolate is its own food group, and "white" chocolate is a fake and not included. Blcch! My b.p. should be through the roof. Instead, I barely make it over a 100 for the top reading. He said all the drugs I played with may have damaged my heart. Huh! Who would have thought..! Or that I already had some type of damage that I was born with. Go figure. Tests..always more tests..the one requires no food, drink, including coffee, or any drugs/smokes for at least 6 Hours prior..some parts are 24. Wow.. still don't know about that one.

Of course this all costs. I have already met my deductible for the year, and have to get pre-approval on everything else. It is February. I am not sure what the cap is..*sigh. I really can't afford to be crazy or ill. Donations are welcome, jk, lolol.. kind of. I admit I am whining a bit. I am so thankful I don't have cancer, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, epilepsy, etc. there is a very big long list. I know or knew people who do/did. Some died from their conditions. God rest their souls...I miss them. Some fight daily against chronic pain/ and a whole plethora of evil symptoms. I pray for them.

My first hernia surgery was without insurance and cost us $50,000. I still think the surgeon took out my appendix so he could charge more. Jerk! It took us almost 7 years to pay it off...plus other medical for me, my hubby and kids. Now we are paying off a pool. I'd rather pay for the pool, much more fun and useful.

The next level? Oh bite me..no, not really. I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and make everyone healthy on all levels. Physical, mental, and spiritual..it's a wish. The world would end up being very boring or hmm... not even sure. I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.

Daffy was the one with the bill, Elmer was the one with a gun, and Bugs..Bugs Bunny was always the smart one or the smart-ass. Lol, maybe it was all those carrots.."What's up, Doc?"

Thanks for reading as always, TTYAL  Good health and prosperity to you all.

A "Quickie"

Sometimes short and sweet does the trick.. Just a note to my readers that I am alive and ok. I have my husband home, which just makes me smile. He has always been my balance. He leaves in 2 days, which I try to not think about.

My daughter sees a therapist Monday. Yes, crazy does run in the family..she's depressed and almost 13,  I posted her music on FB. What a positive response, Still don't know what to do with her ...find her a music teacher?

My son, is the pickiest eater on the planet..and I will complain more about that later.

To TC, who I doubt reads this, huh? Didn't understand your message..sigh

To all my friends and reader's have a great Valentine's day weekend, if you are without a special someone ..remember to celebrate love..stole that from my girlfriend.

Next Level..quick and sweet, you don't have to take all day to do a good deed. A smile. a cheery tone, even a wave suggests that we are not alone. Somebody wants to connect with us..spread it around..it will feel wonderful. TTYAL, LOVE Laura

What's For Dinner?

It is past the time I should be planning something for dinner. I don't care today..LOL. I will try to keep this light and cheery, but probably won't happen. Hopefully I will end up on a positive note.

I am angry today, pissed off, ticked, furious..emotions just raging to the roof and beyond. I am somewhat sick, have been running a fever on and off..slept through most of my morning. Everything is irritating me. My kids are sick also, and have been home all day. They slept most of the morning and woke up for lunch. Which ended up me making PB&J ...and ham for me..which, of course, my daughter had to have part of my  sandwich. I have to remind them to clean up their plates. Sigh, Mommy mode..listening to them practise bells, an electric piano and a percussion drum..oh hell no! done.

Making appointments, Renee's new counselor..of course she will have to miss school..great. Talking to the assistant's machine, yes the doc gave me a referral for a heart doc..and I lost the paper..call me?
Oops, wrong number..click., on-line rebate has expired while my printer took a dump..50 dollars out now..ouch! Talking to the pharmacy's machine, oops got 1 re-fill, have to go through the whole menu for another one.(*sigh) Insurance on line plan..oh hell I give up reading this crap..call me and tell me what form and how much it covers..therapy may be over sooner than next week. I hate talking on the phone, unless it is with a friend about something that actually matters. I only talked to one real person through that whole process.

This is my life...and today it sucks. The anger? I am mad that my kids are sick, mad that I am too..mad that I have friends who have small sicknesses like me and the kids today. I am even madder and sadder that some of them have cancer, or diabetes, or are facing death or other diseases/injuries. I am so mad that they have to endure pain/suffering, medical mysteries personally or for their loved ones. The best I can do is pray for them and send kind words. It just sure doesn't seem adequate.

Anger that I am stuck here, in a house that never want to clean itself and grows weeds in its rocks. That plants here die without a crazy watering system...that costs money and is easy to screw up. The weeds have it figured out...they thrive. I am so angry that I have no place to go, and no one to talk to in person. I have burdened enough of my fb friends with my issues, they have real lives and more normality. I am so not normal, never have been, never will be. I am a weed...a prickly, thorny Arizona one now...that will ooze sap if you try to pull it and make you bleed if you don't have gloves and will re-grow after you do anyway. Hah!

I want to run away(where?) or get messed up(with what?) been there, done that..knowing the next morning always comes. I am fed up with letting my obsessions rule me..no contact..my choice, not as some strange threat from someone who wants the whole world as a friend. But, who doesn't really have any idea how to be one. Am I crazy? Oh hell yeah, way off the deep end sometimes. But, it is now my choice to choose and the answer is not only no, but hell no, never. Get the freak out of my head..and my life..all you brought me was pain and shame. Truth may set you free... but hell the ride costs. I HAVE PAID THOSE DUES AND WILL CONTINUE TO PAY THEM.. Stay sober, my non-friend and watch out for the crazies..they might get you. Wishing you all the best for your continued success, lol. But, hmm...so not my business or problem, never was and never will be again. eff that! Your loss...not mine.

What? Sorry about the above, I had to let some of it out. I 'spark' on some people, and they end up being super special, the friends that i was always meant to find and have. Every 10 years or so, I fixate on someone..obsess..stalk..it is awful for me and them...or wondrous...for us both. The hard part is feeling so out of control ..I scare people. I scare myself sometimes, too. Lately it has been way too often. To my other friend who helped me, I am sorry I wasn't what you thought I was. No more respect? Yeah, I noticed that and passing the buck. That's why I have to rely on my own respect.  Everybody else's just doesn't last...or isn't strong enough. Nobody can "save" me but me..but thanks for listening and caring.

I am still so angry, angry that I hoped for more than what any of this turned out to be.  I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions, good and bad, override my common sense and erode away so much of my stability. Angry, for the moment at the past, present and future, not for just pain and despair..but for the promise of hope, love and peace. That hurts more when you realize your dreams are just dreams, and the next step?

The next level is letting go of the past, bit by bit. It is also holding on to your dreams of the future, but not letting yourself drift away with it. It is dealing with the present now. The anger focuses me and gives me energy. I got a lot done once I stopped fighting it. Maybe this is the 'wrong' way to deal, but it is kind of  the only solution I have.

"Highly emotive empath?" I feel people's emotions plus my own. We all do..mother's with children, actor's with an audience, a server with a customer, a salesman with a client..etc. I can also project my emotions back to people. Again, we all do..when we boo at a stadium or clap for a rousing speech, or even say thank you and mean it. This ability is highly tuned for me, as an addict, as a child-abuse survivor, as a server, as a mom and wife, as a reader...or writer. I hallucinated and almost passed out at the first concert I ever went to..overload. I make people uncomfortable with too much feedback sometimes, so I try to spread it around to a larger audience.

Being a recovering addict is way more than just not using if you want to be something better. My dad is a dry alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 50? some years..God and fanaticism replaced his booze. His God is also a complete a-hole. I consider my own "God" somewhat of a jerk at times. I feel everybody has to find their own answers to that question, and live with it in their own way.

My message from God  from FB today:

"that everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world. Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world."

Anger is just so easy, compassion and forgiveness..(*sigh)

So for dinner, Max ended up making his ravioli's almost all by himself and I heated up Campbell's bean and bacon soup for Renee and me..a bit of soup and a salad. Ok, if any of my ex- Denny's friends read this part they will laugh. My salad, some sad ice burg lettuce, carrots, celery, green onion, feta cheese, black beans, Hunt's tomato sauce (spiced Mexican style with jalapeno, chili pepper,lime juice and cumin) and nacho cheese Doritos. It was actually kind of good, really. LOLOL

Thanks for listening and letting me vent, my therapy. Try to forgive yourself today for something, use the anger, don't let it use you. TTYAL