U R LOLOL

I have been thinking about what to write for a couple of days. It tugs at my mind quite a bit. Good news first, I am still not smoking. Today was very difficult with that. I kept forgetting and would be wandering around looking for them. Then realize, duh. Other times it was a conscious thought, after I get out of the car, I used to have a smoke. After physical therapy, I used to have a smoke. Before I did my coupons, before grocery shopping, after grocery shopping. It was my reward for so many things. What a waste of time and money. I miss it, though.

I passed by smokers outside the grocery store before and after shopping. It smelled really good. LOL. D**n! As for me, I have NOT been doing so well. Whew! Physically, my intestines are still messed up, my old hernia is a bit better but not always.  The new one is getting worse. I spend a lot of time in bathrooms between my digestive system and my period. It is on-and-off again, for a week now. Aaargh! I have been trying to take the iron tablet at night. It makes me very nauseated. But I figure I am going to go to sleep anyway, hopefully.

Emotionally, my kids, the puppy, FB friends, hubby and even my therapist have all helped me through some rough patches, some without realizing it. I go through the rest of it alone. This has not been good at all. I have my ladies night tomorrow and I am very excited and nervous too. They are all so sweet. I do my physical therapy every week for my neck shoulder. It has been helping quite a bit.

I am not eating right or exercising and I feel it. I feel my controls slipping and it is really pissing me off. I try to accomplish my little goals for the day, and rewards?? I am not sure. Facebook is my pleasure and my drug. I realized today I spent 12 hours on, not continually, but..yeah, So not good. I have managed to not harass my stalkee, with any messages. My obsession with him continues to baffle me. It makes no sense at all. My other stalkee has been so awesome, one of the number one things keeping me on this side of sanity. He is a god-guy, and my beliefs bother him. I think, I don't know. My sex guy flirts. I have others who flirt too or are trying too and others who are perfectly legit male friends. It is cool.

I have woman friends. Wow! All kinds, all incredible. I am so excited about seeing them, as many as I can for my reunion next year. So many things are starting to look up and I remind myself of that. Marriage counselling? Renee's as yet, non-existent Asperger's group or coach, Max, perhaps involved in a sport. For me, a part-time job and maybe an art class, or exercise..I always wanted to learn kung-fu or judo. Money...holidays coming up. Birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween...yikes. Life is here, I have to stay in the right frame of mind and just not catch it, but grab it.

My addictions, Facebook, stalking, coffee, food, sex/love, drugs, alcohol, reading, blogging, it is a continual struggle right now. I replace one thing with another. Music and God for me are forever intertwined, I am trying to live the message. I am so tired of being alone. It gets so difficult to sort between the logical response and the emotional ones. Who, which part of me, do I let take control? This scares the hell out of me, I lost five hours today. I was eating lunch, doing coupons, went shopping, came home, put a lot of stuff away and um..it is all a bit hazy. Crap.

This morning, I woke up at 4 am and facebooked and yes, other stuff too until 9:15 am...um..shite. It is now almost midnight and I am at a loss of what to do. I have to get the kids off to school tomorrow and clean/cook/wash  I HATE housework.

me

I guess it is time for bed..sigh.

I own no rights to this song or lyrics..at all.

TTYAL..thanks for listening..comment if you like.

"See more than what's shown, hear more than what's said, and look

behind the actions to the motivations. Then, and only then, you will

understand"           Will I? lolol

Yawn!

I am sitting with a warm puppy on my lap. I am full, been eating on and off all day. Whew! I will need to get up eventually to either go to the bathroom or something. LOL. For now, though it is good. I can hear my kids video upstairs, but not too loudly. I am emotionally calm for the first time in days. It feels really really good. I slept most of the day away, didn't really do much of anything.

I am not feeling guilty about this. Okay, the eating part a bit. I need to get some controls in place. By not smoking, I tend to be hungrier. As for the rest of it, my feelings? I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long now. When I plateau, it is really amazing. I can look back and realize how out-of -control I have been. I know this level won't last forever either. I will be back at something else that turns me around, or inside out.

Why? Good question, I guess because this is the way I have always been. I am starting to figure out the why's of some things. I am also realizing that there is a whole lot of stuff that I will never figure out. Either about myself or others, and for now..that is okay too. This will be back to bother me. Not today, though. I have gone through enough turmoil, I welcome this respite.

Calm, deep breathing, the eye of the storm? LOL, perhaps.

I have seen tornado's in real life, though not big one's up close. I have seen the damage Mother Nature can do and have always been impressed and humbled. I am glad I have never been in an actual hurricane. I am grateful I have food, shelter, and love. I have family and friends. I am not wishing today, just expressing gratitude, I guess. Wow!

I am tired again, my anemia? Probably, but I love sleep. There is much worse things than feeling tired or discouraged. I will still be here for now. Thanks for listening as always. I find it incredible that people actually read this. I hope it helps someone else. I don't always have the mental stability I'd like to achieve, but one step at a time.

I really wonder what puppies dream about? Jack makes such cute noises in his sleep..Have a great night or day wherever you are.

Yawn, stretch, TTYAL.

Ten Reasons to Quit Smoking.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

3:12 PM

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)


2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.


3. Breathe


4. Feel better


5. Smell better


6. Have control


7. Stay alive longer


8. Make me happy to succeed.


9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy


10. I said I would, somehow.

:-) My list..everyone's is different.

You Are Going to Know..

I said good-bye to my hubby again, back to Utah he goes. It is only for one month, and he is going to be able to fly home for his off-times. Okay. I would like to say whatever, I don't give a shit. I can't because I do care. This is ripping me up inside. I don't want him gone, and especially not so far away. I have other friends who are going through worse nightmares than me. I feel even worse being a big cry-baby about it. I don't want to do this.

It is not surprising that my depression is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I hurt all over and am crying sad. I am so damn tired, it is beyond bullshit. Yet, I sleep for crap. I crave my smokes, and am glad I don't have them. I am also glad my stomach hurts so bad, it prevents me from over-eating. I have been having crying jags again, my kids help with these. I try to go do something, find something else to do. Distraction.

Jack the puppy helps and drives me nuts, too. He knows how sad I am. He won't leave me alone. It is a mixed blessing. He really stinks. I am very disappointed in the pet groomer's this time. I don't think they emptied his anals and his wash? It wasn't very good. He's got really bad dandruff. All this negativity..I know. It really isn't helping.

I see my surgeon Monday. Whatever.

I see my therapist Tuesday. I really don't think our relationship is working. He did help me, but we have stalled or reached a wall or something. I am so frustrated with it all. I can't even explain that. I had such hopes of reaching some kind of relief or feeling better or something. I feel worse..about myself, about my life, about everything. I am still an Fb addict and stalker. I still am depressed and lonely. I am still a lousy parent. My hubby is still a drunk.

The only bonus, I quit smoking. That was me and my hypnotist. My kids help a lot with this. My hubby does not, did not, not really. My girlfriend or his mom, either. Except, at some point they would all reek so bad of smoke that it was a big turn-off. I keep looking for my smokes at times and then realize they aren't there. The calming point is that it is okay. I don't need them. I would like to be that way with fb. If I could find the switch that turns desperation into peace. The stupid part is I have it every once in awhile. I can fake it with pain meds and booze, knowing it isn't real. The pain meds are going to run out, though there is ways to get more. There is always an ocean of booze to drown in...I have swam there before.

Did I say I am tired? LOLOL. My doctor's office called and told me I am really anemic, again. Yep, told you nothing has changed. I can't take the iron pills at all..tried but was really bad. Oh, well.

Praying? I am still praying, and the sad part is I have met some really awesome god-type people who really do shine. There way isn't for me. I wish I could explain that. No. Some of them have helped me a lot, others have hurt me even more. The dumb part is when I let them. I wish.

My therapist ends every session with that question, what do you wish for right now? I wish I could wake-up and realize it has all been a very strange dream. Except my reality is too real and my fantasies are too fuzzy. My dreams? I can't talk about those. All I am trying to fix is me, I am the broken one. There is so many others but I can't help them.

I will cheer up, this is just one of my many faces..my emotional masks I become and cycle through. Crazy, yes. My one friend called it my "pity party". He's got a point, I am not sure how to stop playing it. LOl, I will bore myself with it, I hope soon and be done with it. The question the other day was do you know someone who is still alive because you didn't want to go to jail or hell? Hah.

Levels, changing the world? So many people are just striving to survive. Others are working at what they think is important. This changes. Tomorrow is another day, another dawn..I'll still be here, hopefully in a better mood. Today? Today is done. Thanks for listening. Love you all..schmuck that I am..have a wondrous tomorrow.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him. ~Pearl Bailey 

..when the bullet hits the bone. I own no right to this song or video..

A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

Holy Hallelujah, Batman!

I am having such a hard time keeping it real today. Everything emotional keeps crashing into me. PMS, yes..figured that out later. But, Holy Hallelujah, Batman..or in other words WTFH! Trying to keep a lid on it really didn't work, I cried on-and-off desperate all day. I couldn't hide it from my kids, couldn't even hide it from the dog. I am so wrung out right now. I am now having a hot flash too. Yeah, this just keeps getting more fun. LOL-OMG. Jack, off my neck please..

The kids are in bed, I doubt very much that they are asleep. I hope they do get some. I have to wake them up. Crabby gets a whole new definition from the both of us. They will complain about breakfast choices. I am a terrible mom and will try to get them to eat something healthy. They probably won't eat at all or will grab some junk food.  Renee will eat leftovers, pizza, etc. Which isn't so bad. Max sneaks soda. Very, very bad. They will leave and then I can go talk to my therapist.

I don't want to talk to him this week. I never do. At the same time that I know I have to. This becomes a strange desire or desperate kind of urge. Great, now I have the feeling of bugs crawling all over me. This is a lovely symptom of being pre-menopausal. The only thing that works is benadryl. Which will knock me out. It is okay, I need to sleep anyway. Not yet though.

My hubby is at work, coming home now. He got called in. I believe him and I don't. We shall see. This did not help with the emotional sobbiness today. Nope, was most truly a major factor.

I talked with a friend that finds me, I really don't know. I know I piss him off and annoy him. I don't mean too, I want him to like me. I do admit I stalk him. He has answers to things I want to know about. I am not asking the right questions. I think of him now as a brother who got taken at birth and was raised by "real" people. I guess he has forgiven me again for bugging him, again. I hope.

Canyon Lake, AZ

My other stalkee is sweet about it. He answers even my most dumbest questions without judging me or being a jerk of any kind. I try not to get antsy if he doesn't answer me. I am a FB addict. I spread my addiction over a lot of friends who all mean a lot to me, in various degrees. The emotions and feelings are true. I really do care, even when I don't want to at times. Though I have to admit, it is not all gloom and doom. No, most is just regular life, and my friends are funny, smart and individuals. It is awesome.

My therapist has given me a bunch of paths, choices...most all of which we have discussed before. All of them require work..or giving up. I know this, knew this, but have been trying to avoid it. I am so tired.

Next step, next level, I talk about it, can I do it?

I don't know yet, which is a put-off answer. :-) TTYAL, thanks for listening.

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

Oscar Wilde

Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

Feed Me, Seymour

Ugh! I am full, I ate too much. I thought my stomach was hurting before. LOL, I was wrong. There are more pain levels. It still beats being hungry though. I have been there, hungry. I have never been starving. I say that I have at times, it is an expression, but no. It's a BIG difference.

When I was a kid, we had a day called "fast Sunday" aargh. Once a month, it started on Saturday night with no dinner and went on till Sunday evening. No food, no water or beverages, nothing. For me and my siblings it was torture. I could sometimes plan ahead and have something stashed. I usually forgot, and would try to sneak stuff. Sometimes I would get busted and sometimes I wouldn't. I drank water too, once I was old enough and  decided that it was just stupid and not a "sin". It almost killed my oldest brother, he is hypoglycemic. My other brother, sister, mom, and dad have all developed Type 2 diabetes. I have quite a few aunts, uncles, cousins with this problem too. Some have died from it or had major complications. It is a crappy, (insert swear words here), horrible disease.

 So far, I have only had gestional diabetes. It was when I was pregnant with my son, Max. I had a very severe case of it. I ended up being on insulin injections 3x a day and had to test my sugars, every couple hours or so. I had a dietician on call, I talked to her at least 5 or more times a day and saw her once a week. I was on a very strict diet, and was always hungry. I also threw up if I went "over". When I say over, lol..one snack was so many carbs, proteins and fats.. You know those little boxes of cereal, single portion fun ones? I had one of those, Rice Krispies with a 1/2 cup of skim milk. I got really sick, found out the carbs was enough for almost 2 servings. Wow!

I managed to keep my blood sugars under control working 30-40 hours a week, in a 24 hour restaurant. It was a major accomplishment. Max was born alive within normal weights and a normal size fully-functioning  pancreas. I had learned a lot about food, and diet. I also respect anyone who can adhere to a true diabetic diet for any amount of time. They are supposed to do it their whole lives. The saddest part is even with your sugars under control, it doesn't give you any guarantee that you won't develop any of the major complications. Early death, amputation, blindness..it is a long list.

There was a time in college, once at Utah Tech where I had no money for a week and all I had in the fridge was miracle whip, rice and ketchup..blch. None of my friends had money either, though somehow we had booze and cigarettes. Later in life, attending DeVry I remember shoplifting vienna sausages in a store, more than a few times. I had a few bucks, but that was for the bar. I had to buy at least one drink and tip well, the rest I would mooch from girlfriends and guys. Some I knew and some I didn't. I learned to keep a bottle of booze in my car. Apricot schnapps or brandy, in an Illinois winter, it was ice-cold and went down smooth. I had other tricks by that time to be high or drunk or a combo of both at almost all times. I worked two jobs and went to school full-time, ate like a pig, and was at the thinnest I was ever at in my life. I was a size 7-9 and still bigger than almost all the girls I knew. I was always broke.

I am trying to decide if I am going to keep talking about food or what. I did do a diet after Utah Tech where I only ate 500 calories a day. I think I mentioned this before. I lost over 30 lbs and then was sicker than sick for the next 2 years of my life. I worked in a lot of restaurants. One lady was a busser/disher and would save the food from customer's plates and bring it home to her family. I think she had at least 4 or 5 adults and at least 10-12 kids in various ages. They were all probably living in a 2 bedroom apartment at most with very little heat or hot water, usually no electricity either and everybody hustled to get a job. They were all illegals. What money they had went to the car to get everybody to work, and to pay off the extortionists that got them here.

My no pain diet, I eliminated booze 1st. That helped a lot. Then dairy, mostly..this was harder. I tried that no carb all protein diet for a bit and OMG, ugh. I eliminated anything deep-fried,wow yeah. I got to the point that I ate very little meat, lots of fresh and cooked veggies, rice and plain sweet potatoes, and eggs. The only bread I could tolerate was french or italian..found out later that this was all the stuff that doesn't irritate your bowels. Fats just were bad..more and more stuff kept getting added to my "no pain" diet. No soda, juice of any kind or tea, and black coffee only. Water was okay, but I had a hard time with it. I lost 85 lbs in 2 years. I also waitressed and rode my bike to my kids school 7 blocks away, 6 times a day. I would still end up in pain.

I am now healing from my 3rd surgery, a spigelian tumor..very rare. I think it has failed already, but I haven't told that to anyone yet. I am having partial bowel obstruction and pain again. I want to crawl under a rock and just die. *sigh, no really. I am tired of pain, physical and emotional, but I am so not ready to kick it yet. I have so many FB friends whine about getting old. I am older than I was, thank God.  I am not "old" until everyone I know is younger than me. Hah! Some of this I have mentioned before. I repeat myself on occasion, once or twice.

One of my friends, who I bug quite a bit is having his spouse face major surgery. I have been where she is at and where he is also. Neither place is fun, I send them prayers, love and healing thoughts because that is the only thing I can do. Crapola. I wish he had told me sooner as I have been a major pest, a big kind of cry-baby. Aaargh, I now feel like a schmuck, but I will get over it. I have another friend who has been a life-line for me. I am not sure what to call it. Faith, perhaps..and friendship. I have so many lady friends who I could list, each one faces so much in their own ways and slays their dragons with humor and grace. I am always so honored to be a part of their stories and try to encourage them however I can. LOL, I enjoy this part a lot as I get to be outrageous. I laugh. I love being naughty and enjoying a smile, chuckle or laugh, whether it is just joking fun or perverted humor, or even just silly. I can even manage to be serious, too.

 They and others have taught me more about music, art and food. Yum! I envy the ones who travel even as they complain about it. I want to go too..Rome, Japan, Texas..lol. etc.

My hubby goes back to Utah, next week. He did negotiate only a month and plane rides instead of driving. That part is good, the rest of me is not. I pray for strength, patience and help. This next month is going to be a challenge. One day at a time, one step at a time and its ok to be scared. I just keep moving. My family needs help. I have to reconnect with my kids and be a parent and the grown-up. I am still smoke-free. Hallelujah! Whew, time to take a deep breath. I got my levels cut out for me..I am sure you are all facing a few of your own. Thanks for listening as always. TTYL, I am going to try for a couple of hours. My quote for the day:

In times like these, it's helpful to remember that there have always been times like these. Paul Harvey

The title is from "THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS" I own no rights to this video or song or any part of it..

Big Girls, don't cry..

I told myself no matter what I am not going to cry today. I did okay. I think I helped a friend out this morning. I hope it ends up being two friends. That would be a bonus. I didn't drink too much coffee, took my anti-deps, but no pain pills. I have been really craving a smoke, but no. I am still doing good, smoke-free. I took a shower, even shaved my legs. Which is hard to do when you have recently healed scar tissue. I finally started laundry, dishes and washed counters. All of this was back and forth between Facebook, my blog, other people's blogs and taking care of Jack.

My hubby got called into work, we had to cancel plans we had made. It bites. He was gone before I woke up. My kids didn't get up till 10:30-11. I know! I fed them lunch and even started on coupons and papers. I have known it was the anniversary of 9-11 since I woke up. It is a sad day, and one I will never forget. I just have had enough sadness, though. I don't want to cry anymore. Not for me, not for any of them, not for any reason. I am on 2 anti-depressants. You would think that would help? No.

I am boo-hooing like a baby, and I really don't even know why. Is it because I feel everybody's sadness? Or that I can barely have a 2 sentence conversation with either of my kids. I talk to the puppy more. Nobody really wants to talk on Facebook either. Though I did realize that I had made a public post private, hmm..maybe. I am not sure what I did. I also was tinkering with my blog on-and-off and updated a few things. I think some of that re-published stuff. Do you like it? The changes I mean.

I need more friends, real friends. I am so tired of talking to myself or the dog. I talk to my therapist but I pay him. I talk to my hubby too, but that is really messed up right now. My two friends I message the most, have their own lives, families and problems. My other FB friends help me balance it more but, damn.

I am lonely. That was what I said in my first blog and despite all my personal growth and what-not. I am still lonely and bored. I'll be okay, it is just that I don't want to be just okay or surviving. Some lasting internal joy would be nice. Something to do, wow I am such a whiner. Telling myself that really doesn't help at this point. I am still crying.

Ok. doing better, sorry. Maybe I need to up those happy pills some more. OMG-LOL. Went out and did retail therapy and got some great deals. Even though my hubby has been gone all day, it doesn't matter. Whatever. I am fine. Tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening TTYAL. My level has been to get off my pity party..and bug at least one of my kids. Laughing now.

hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

Same Road? LOL

Football. blah.

I am still crabby. My friends have given me good advice. Other things in my life are going very well. My incision has healed very nicely. I don't scar hardly at all. I guess this is a good thing, but I really don't care. I am still not sure what my problem is. I know I need something else to do. I need a job, or a hobby, or a ?
I do have some ideas for that but a lot depends on time and money.

I need practical parenting advice. Once again I have received a lot of good and some bad suggestions about this. I know at this point, I am not a great parent. I try not to be grumpy with my kids. They are very happy I have stopped smoking. Other things, *sigh, I wish I could take back stuff I have said and done. I did spank my kids when they were younger. I am not sure when I started losing my temper and smacking them. My daughter got the worst of this. I no longer use any type of corporeal punishment, whatsoever. I haven't in over a year plus. I crossed a line. I talk with my therapist and hubby about this.

The big problem now is I didn't have any real substitutes. I observe other people constantly, not only because they are fascinating. I also want to see how they work and function. I have done this all my life. I stand back and watch how people deal with things. Of course, with my own dealings there is the "before" and "after". If I know I am going somewhere to interact with people, I play out different scenario's in my brain. How they are going to act and say and my own responses. Afterwards, I play out all the things I could have said or done differently. This is all exhausting and rather pointless.

I have improved over the years, and try not to get ahead of myself or berate myself after, but just live in the moment. It is harder and easier than you would think. LOL. I want/crave a cigarette right now so badly. I know I won't. The choice right now would be menthol, blchh. The other option would be to take a drive and get some. Nope. Before my hypnosis, I wouldn't have even debated this. I would have been out the door as soon as I realized I was getting low. It feels really nice to be free of that compulsion.

I am not letting myself be a slave to my own brain. Whatever reasons caused my mind to function the way it does? So be it. I have a choice.

"Anger cannot be ignored or repressed without causing trouble in your soul; it must be dealt with!"

Damn straight, that quote. I have a lot of anger, fear, emotions all bottled up. It is leaking out now, or it burst out and I am trying to patch it up. I am really not sure. I don't have any answers today other than trying to be in the moment and give yourself a break. Beating yourself up about past history doesn't help anything. Thanks to the peeps who have helped me in this journey. There have been many and every one of them is awesome. I am so truly lucky to have the friends and family that I do.

My stomach is hurting now, it is from being on my butt for so long. LOL, bed-time for me. Goodnite or good morning, afternoon wherever you may be. Smile and be you :-) Thanks for listening TTYAL.

I hated rap..till now..contains R rated words..LOL. I don't own any rights to this song or words or anything.

no pain..

I don't know what to do with myself today. I have energy now, but no desire to really do anything. I want to get "effing" wasted and just give the whole world the finger. Everything is annoying me, it feels like a screech on a blackboard kind of feeling. I am not sure where all this frustration is coming from. PMS? Maybe. I finished two books this week, and while I enjoyed both. Crap! I didn't get a rush or fix off of them. My life is still boring, even with my hubby here. Physically, for the most part, I am doing way better.

I want.

I don't know what I want, nothing is working. Facebook only distracts me for a little while, shopping. *sigh. I still have not completely regained my kitchen. I am not even sure what to clean or stock, my mind is a mess. My husband has kept me distracted for a while. I smile here. I am off the pain meds. I have another 1/2 hour till the kids go to bed. Aaargh.

Okay, I can do this. I can get through the turmoil running around loose in my brain and let it go. I say a few choice swear words here. I am not all alone, my God is always with me. He is not saying too much. Or maybe, I am just not getting the message. I need somewhere to go, something to do. Something real. My life?? OMG-LOL.

I will stop now and breathe, whew! It may not be the right answer but it is what I have. I talked with friends, virtually but still very important. I am snuggling with my puppy a bit. I took a sleepy pill that is also for anxiety and I can feel it seeping into my brain. I will 'fess up that I took a 1/4 dose of pain pills. My stomach hurts, but I'll admit it is more for the buzz. It gives my head that dopey sense of being at peace. It slows down the whirlwind and lets me unwind.

 Bed, sleep and tomorrow a new dawn. Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so, and hope that it is for all that read this too. G'night and talk to you all later.

Is It Break Time Yet?

They changed the interface on blogger. I am not sure if I like it yet. As with most things new, it takes me some adjustment time. I am having difficulties with not smoking today. I miss it. I spent/wasted a lot of time and money smoking for so many years. Wow! I think about it, and then I am okay, again. I am getting used to the new me. I am happy I can breathe. I haven't coughed up any nastiness in so long. Eww! I know, these are my happy thoughts.

I don't know why, I keep having this old adage running through my head. "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." There is more to it and it applies to wedding's. Specifically, what the bride is supposed to carry or wear. I found this:

"Something old represents continuity; something new offers optimism for the future; something borrowed symbolizes borrowed happiness; something blue stands for purity, love, and fidelity; and a sixpence in your shoe is a wish for good fortune and prosperity, although this remains largely a British custom." 

I like this, more than just how it applies to weddings. Every day is a new one, but we carry all of our old baggage with it. Instead of lugging it around, I think just a thread of continuity is easier. Just keeping what we need. Something new, looking forward to what may be ahead. Something borrowed. Hmm.. for me, this means that you have friends and family. Borrowing something means somebody trusted you enough to loan you something. It also means you are worthy enough to return it. Something blue.

My birthstone is light blue. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but a large aquamarine for March. It is gorgeous. I didn't know what the blue stood for in this tradition. Wow! The fact that my daughter is/was born in March also was always just another bonus. Sadly, neither me or my hubby wear our rings. He got shocked at work one too many times. I am actually allergic or sensitive to gold. It makes me itch, and will give me a rash eventually. Not just from my wedding ring, but other gold jewelry I have, earrings too. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. Never did, so this really doesn't phase me much. I used to wear my wedding ring and earrings to work. I got more compliments on my $2.50 earrings I found on clearance than any of my "real " stones. LOL

Good fortune and prosperity would be nice. Really. I'd give it a shot.

My digestive system is being 'balky" again. This makes me feel like crap, nauseated and dizzy. My one friend laughed, she's a nurse.. you are full of shit. Yep, small intestinal blockage, have been here too many times. Ugh, it hurts. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this too shall pass. LOLOL(sorry). I don't know why I should be embarrassed by this. Another friend commented , glad you're poopin. I wish I still was. It is so annoying and frustrating.

I had fun on Facebook today, had fun with my kids, had a wonderful time with my hubby. The dog kind of drove me nuts, and my therapist. *I don't know. I think I have to up the power or something. I am not getting what I need from it at this point.I have been debating a lot of different options, need to do some action soon. For now, I am going to nap. I may go take a swim later. This is where having my hubby home is such a relief. I can trust him to keep them okay while I space out for a bit.

When I was a workaholic and that has been at every job. Everybody would laugh. I loved break time. I told people I came to work just so I could take a break. I loved it. We would smoke and eat and chit-chat. I found out a lot of good/bad things from people on break. I told a friend I can be shy. Yep, still can, even after all these years. It depends on the context of where and why. With me it doesn't last very long, my inherent sort of rebellious nature asserts itself eventually. I am a smart-ass, can't help it.

But at first, scary..

I need to step out, get a move on it and meet peeps. My level, just smiling at retail workers and leaving nice tips isn't cutting it anymore. I also need to get help for my girl and the boy too..might as well include the hubby and the dog. The therapist had a point. I have been here starting my 3rd year and have only put up one picture. I suppose it is about time I moved in and on.

Thanks for listening as always, ttyl.

"Is your problem really your problem, or is your attitude toward your problem the real problem?"

Hmm..yep, something to think about.

No More, No More...

I have had a day. That is about it. The end of my blog? I am laughing out loud. (LOL) No, I talk/write/wonder way too much. I will try not to ramble.

I read a few on-line articles today, and some blogs. I also read part of the newspaper as they are STILL sending it to me daily. I got my kids off to school on time. I did some suduko's, took a shower, ate way too much chocolate. I cleaned bathrooms and did laundry. Which did turn out amusing. The cheap 99 cents rug I bought turned everything pink, oops! Since I was washing rugs and dog toys/items this isn't so bad. The dog's pillowcase kind of glows though. I also, took a shower, got dressed, and took the dog to the groomer's. Most of the above isn't in any particular order.

I also face-booked, sent a few messages and played back and forth on-and-off. I got a beautiful compliment from one of my reader/friends. That was sweet, a very big highlight of my day. I had a few laughs with friends, and left one voice mail and 1 text. I flirted with a few peeps I probably shouldn't have. I debated sending another message to either of my "stalkees". Crap, I have been doing better. I decided one was okay. He doesn't take me seriously anyway.

I drank way way too much coffee, regular and de-caf. It has left me somewhat nauseated. I have been jonesing for a smoke all "effin" day. The thing is I don't want one and then I do. I hate this. My hubby thoughtfully left 1 cigarette in his pack when he left for work. Thank God, it is menthol.  I have said this before, yuk. I have resisted this urge but it has made me crabby all day. I bought Dunkin' Donuts and only ate one. I am thankful for that victory.

Huh? To eat only one?  When I was a teen-ager, I loved donuts, Donut Express in New Lenox, oh yum! I was piling on the weight, so I did what I had done before with mixed results. I bought a whole dozen and forced myself to eat them all. I think I ended throwing up. Bonus, I could turn down donuts after that or only eat just one for years. Later in life when my stomach messed up and I was on my "no pain " diet. I couldn't eat even one. Anything fried went through me viciously and caused intense pain.

See the victory part? People who have never struggled with their weight don't understand any of this. People who can eat anything they want, don't understand it either. I have never been underweight. I had a friend who was. He was also a coke addict, which I didn't know for 5 years. I knew a few bulimics too. I was related to one. That never really appealed to me all that much. I  have vomited all my life from booze, drugs, pregnancies, surgeries, motion sickness and the "unknown" hernia. I have gotten really expert at it, but I have never done it on purpose. Dry heaves are the absolute worse, I refuse. I'll force down water instead.

Sorry, I got a bit off track. One of the stories was about being a "Debbie Downer". Crapola. That one hit home, I have been woeing way too much. That is too a word, okay, maybe not. I have given up so much crap in my life by choice. Because it made me stupid, sick or both. I didn't like who I was when I was using.  Whatever, OMG! I will be fine..really. I do need to get out more, have fun. Yep! My therapist would be nodding his head here. I am listening to my kids joke around with my hubby, their Dad. There is also a stayover friend of my son's here. The humor is at a 10-13 year old level. I have had one 1/4 tablet of my pain meds all day. Maybe I should take some more. Just kidding!

My levels have been to get healthy. Having fun and being with people needs to be part of that. I am very glad my husband is in AZ for the next couple of weeks. He has been told he will be going to a mine about five hours from here, after that. Yahoo! That is so much closer. He should be able to make it home for week-ends.

Thanks for listening, I have been writing this almost all day in bits and pieces. I am tired, I may have overdone a few things, but whatever. I may even sleep through the night again. Thank God! I smile, that would be amazing. TTYAL.


My quote for the day that I found amusing.

 Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. - Zen Proverb