Imagine..

I guess I am writing tonight. I wasn't going to. I am in a mood, not sure how to describe it. Today was Father's Day. This is another holiday I have some "issues" with. I also always laugh at the word "issues". It is a combination of so many cultural references it is hard to explain. I don't know if it is an American trait or more of a human trait, to be able to laugh at ourselves. So when I hear or use that word, I think of the commercial where the drill sergeant Marine therapist throws a box of tissues at a sobbing patient. It isn't real, in real life I would be appalled. I think.

There is another commercial from way back where they shoot mice from a cannon through a wooden O and miss. They aren't really shooting real mice, I laugh every time.

I called my Dad today. It made him happy, which makes me glad. It also relieves some tensions I have had. My dad, and our relationship over the years has been difficult and agonizing. I know how much I have changed. I shouldn't be surprised that he has changed also.

Me and my Dad, I was 3..

When you learn love and fear from the same person, it makes things complicated. I know my Dad and Mom both love me. I didn't think they did for a long time, or were incapable of it. I know there are people who are nodding their heads. I was not the only child in the world who had parents that overstepped the boundaries between discipline and abuse. I have stepped over the line myself and it it curls up inside me. It is easy to lash out at those we love the most. The hard part is learning to step back, calm down and not let our emotions rule.

That includes words as well. Words can heal and hurt.

I think in some ways we are hardest on ourselves. We beat each ourselves up in the inside. This is a common trait among addicts and "survivors" . Learning how to listen to the things that help us grow and blossom, rather than the negative shrew is a major step. It can be a battle or just flow. Life isn't always easy or hard, sometimes it is just boring, or a bit better and then there is your aha moments where everything clicks and it is absolutely the best thing ever.

I remember laughing uncontrollably with friends, playing games, the first time I said "my daughter", holding my husbands hand so tight during our wedding ceremony, my son's first steps. There is so many more moments, things that were beautiful, profound or just fun.

My dad was a survivor also from abuse that probably pales in comparison to what I lived with. Everyone has their own story. My kids will have their own. One of my girlfriends had the opportunity to be with her mom and reconcile with her before she passed away. Not all of us will have that chance. Other's were blessed with parents who while not perfect, had or have a great relationship with. I envy them that, I can't help it. I have lost people to death and other things. The pain lessens at times but never goes away.

Enough sadness.

I am supposed to be concentrating on my move. A year from now? I will write it tomorrow and post it later..as always thanks for listening. TTYL. I need to get some sleep.


As you can tell that was from the day before. I am still sleepy today, the sun is shining and it is triple digit hot. I feel paralyzed. It is hard to stay focused and moving. I have already had one nap. I have so much more to do. Am I overwhelming myself? Perhaps. I admit I am very unhappy that I am once again packing by myself. My dear neighbor Jenny, who I miss so much isn't here this time. I will be flying out with the kids after the moving company takes away our stuff. Next week.

Okay, up and at them. I am going to be bad and indulge in a soda and maybe some chocolate. It may help to get my blood pumping. Thanks for listening as always.

I have no rights for this song or lyrics. I do not make any profit or gain from this blog. thanks!

 This is the song that has been haunting me. There are worse tortures. I am  so laughing. It is a beautiful song. Just imagine..

Still kicking...

I am waiting for my pot roast to cool down a bit before I stick it in the fridge. It has been a strange day. I did manage to get some things done today. I have been slacking, I despise moving and packing. I had a call from a life coach, it was very interesting and not what I expected. His challenge was to come up with a scenario of what I expect my life to be like a year from now.

Okay, we talked about some of it. It was very positive. I have been having a very difficult time embracing the thought of our newest relocation. I have very old bad memories associated with Utah and a few good ones. The state itself is beautiful and I love the thought of having seasons again. Though, I would like to skip the snow. I am very nervous about being in a new place, finding my way around. I am a professional at getting lost. You can laugh, but I have ended up in the wrong state..more than once.


I am also practical enough to know that it isn't going to be all peaches and cream. There is work involved and at this point, I am frustrated with my kids. They are very spoiled in some ways. This is going to be a major issue. I have really not had my husband home regularly for about the last seven years or so. He has  worked for different employers, but all required field service. This means travel and a lot of it. I always tease him that he should have just been a semi-driver. He actually could beat them with accumulated miles on the road.

I am worrying about things that haven't happened yet. I am trying to relax and breathe it in and out. I will be okay.

My thought the other day was that there is almost always someone who is better at something then me and almost always somebody who is worse. I used to find this a frustrating statement. I realized I don't anymore. It is a comfort. I have limits, I don't have to be perfect. I am also uniquely me. Everybody has their quirks and foibles. I have always wanted to use that word in a sentence. I just love it, foibles. LOL

I am running late tonight so I am going to cut this short. I do realize I have not been writing very regularly as of late. I have been playing word games on Facebook which is very addicting to me. I know I am going to have to chill it down soon, but for the moment it has been a great stress reliever.

I will write my vision of the future tomorrow, I hope. TTYAL and thanks for listening.

Is there something that is your special talent? How do you nurture it? Is there something you hate about yourself? Is their any steps you can take to minimize it or embrace it instead? Serious and powerful questions of where you are and where you want to be.

"WORK IN PROGRESS"

The same but different, I love it.

"Going Out of My Head.."

"Since you been gone, been out of my head, can't take it.." the lyrics to a song that keep playing through my head. I HATE summer vacation. Really. I think kids should be in school during the summer too. It isn't like they are helping with the harvest. I really do respect teachers more than I already did. I am at my limit with children today and tomorrow, too.

My hubby comes home in a couple of days. Thank-you! I don't really know what I need a break from, life? I just know I feel very frazzled. It hasn't helped that I was very sick the last couple of days. First was because I ate Mexican food with some dairy two meals in a row. Yep, not a bright idea...after all that the next day I had the migraine from hell. I slept on and off all day and tried not to throw up.

It is hot here and getting hotter. The desert is heating up. It has been over a 100 degrees just about every day. The bonus is it is still cooling down at night. It won't soon, but we will be gone by then. Maybe, if I can get everything packed up and moved and the dog and the kids and bills and money and..lolol. Such fun, to move from one place I don't really want to be (but was starting to get used to) to a new place where I don't want to be, but with the family I want to be with. Okay. I have had waaay too much caffeine today.

I am not sure where I am at this point or what I have been trying to do. Confuzzled..just a bit. I just. I don't know. I would love to feel physically better. I am getting better at returning to anchor myself. I don't want to go off into an emotional abyss or ignore the stuff I feel I need to accomplish. I just..*sigh. I feel that I am getting socially and emotionally healthier. I am coming to peace and balance with  so many issues I have had. I am headed in the right direction.

I just want to yell or scream or throw a tantrum, and run away. I don't want to be a grown-up anymore. I don't want to be a kid either or a teenager..oh no. I need a vacation from everything, especially myself.

I guess we all have these kinds of days..I am better now. At least for a little while...lol.

Righty vs. Lefty

I had one idea that was tripping around inside my head but, I am going to have to save it for a future blog. It was about heaven, and levels and..sorry. I got taken away again by my daughter, she played me her version of a lovely song and then showed me her new art. I noticed a similarity right away to another picture I downloaded a couple of weeks ago.

It is how she views the possible inside of her mind. This is on her art site I will include the link when I find it again.

This is from Ted Talks.. a symposium for different ideas. I am going to try to find the linkage. My daughter hadn't seen this picture. This is from Quantum physics and represents the idea of vibrating slices of string as the template for our universe and others. *Sigh, she does stuff like this. I am going to have to find the original author and artist for this picture. I don't own it and have no rights to it.

The thought I got out of this is "what a strange place I have been."

Thanks for listening, I will talk to you all later. Levels? I am tired but in a good way, hope you all found something amazing in your every day life. Something that has been there all along and you saw differently.
Isn't it amazing!