Changed My Song..

I should be asleep, but I can't. I know this. Too much caffeine and candy, for one. It was Halloween, I sat outside in my warm desert and handed out candy to the hordes. It was fun, I like to see the costumes and the people young, old, and in-between. I only got to trick-or -treat once when I was a kid. It was rushed and confusing, I was at my Aunt Char's for some reason I had a store-bought costume pulled over my head and was handed a bucket and went along with all the others. It was cold, and rainy and my cousins didn't like me very much. I don't even know if I got to eat the candy. My dad was so totally against Halloween.

We still handed out treats. My mom had penny jars, the little kids weren't so bad they thought it was cool. The other kids knew how lame it was. Halloween was serious business back then, if you didn't hand out something you got tricked. I guess my dad found it easier to go along with it then clean up the messes.

I didn't get trick-or-treaters when I lived in apartments. In WI, we lived on a strange one block street, one year I only had 3 kids total stop by. In AZ, it is fun, I go through massive amounts of candy. It amuses me.

Max went out with his friends for a little and then came back and helped hand out candy. It was way cool. Renee got stood up by a friend and decided not to go, she was so totally bummed. I felt so bad for her. A true compliment from a very dear old friend turned her around. She played me music and we actually talked.  I wish this happened more often. They have school tomorrow, I have so many things to do to get ready for our Salt Lake city trip. Aaargh..lol. I'll get there.

I wrote a whole other blog to a friend I can't talk to. I wish I could, I miss him. I am also so mad, and angry at him too. Thanks, I am F.I.N.E just fine. LOLOL..you don't have a clue, brother. I thought you did. I have been wrong before, hopefully I can learn from this and move on. It has been very bad. Not your fault, just the way it is. ick and ugh..I am praying for you as always for you and yours and for me too.

I have a couple other friends who I am now worried about, unhealthy choices. I pray for them, I can't change them or fix them. They are who they are. There is help available. My particular afflictions are a bit more messy and complicated. I know there is other's like me..I have met quite a few of them. I help them as much as I can, it helps them. It helps me. Maybe it is a karma thing, lol. I still wish..

I keep going, it is what I do. The next step, moving on..learning, growing.

God has plans for me, I think I disagree with them so far, lol. It has become an impasse. This is not the first time and will not be the last time we are at odds. Free will, sorry..it is what it is, my choice, my life. I think I will find out this is the way it was supposed to be, perhaps.

It could be so much easier.

It could be way worse.

No insightful wisdom just tired, but thanks for listening readers, Thanks for inspiring me to do better. Smoke free. wow.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow..other way around for my friends across the world. Feeling emotional connections, it is like a recharge to my soul. G'night and God bless.

I own no rights to the music or lyrics of the video I included, that is the property of Aerosmith. 

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

Fish swim, but can't climb trees.

Hi all!

I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.

I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.

It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were  an excellent idea though.

I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called  that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.

I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.

My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.

My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!

My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.

I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..

I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL

Before you talk to kids, remember this: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

~Albert Einstein~

Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)

Let's play a game, shall we?

Have you ever had the feeling, where you are an outside observer of your own life? The past couple of days, I have felt a bit strange, sort of in it, but also on the outside looking in. I was fighting the sensation at first and then just shrugged, laughed, and welcomed it. Especially, today.

My hubby and my girlfriend of 20 years were in town, it is her second visit to my home. We are close and I always think of it as "me casa es su casa". My house/home is yours and vice-versa. It sounds cooler in Spanish. LOL. Silly Americans, we are fascinated by other languages and cultures, but also remain aloof, too. A few phrases here and there makes us feel global. This isn't all Americans..there are international travelers of all kinds and stripes. There is also quite a few who are multi-lingual. But, for the majority of Caucasian/European mutt suburbanites like me..another language, accent, culture is an exotic flavor. Working with a guy from Africa, who knew at least 4 languages, he told me Americans are snobs. LOL.

We are and aren't. I think we don't mean to be, but that is how we appear to the rest of the world at times. I think it is due more to exposure and opportunity. So many of us are sheltered in our own immediate surroundings. Global news is hard to attach a whole lot of meaning to, unless it is especially graphic of some nature. Even news in our own country is easily shrugged off or doesn't make an impact. It doesn't really change much of our day-to day.

We also have the world come to us, which America is the biggest mix of cultures, religions, ethnicity, "classes". We brew our own too, from inner-city ghetto to militant gun groups, Amish farmers, way way too many to list..and each generation stirs it up more. It has been called the great "melting pot", LOL..more like the big dutch oven of diversity. A huge container of hobo stew that isn't mixed up very often, so the flavors just intermingle and sometimes blend, and disagree or shock the senses. Each spoonful tastes completely different. I find it amazing...the world does too.

"On the outside looking in.." but still in my own skin. Today, with my kids and puppy feeling down..we always do when my husband leaves. It is a double whammy with my girlfriend gone too. She is so truly genuine. I smile, love you lady! We all played a board game last night, that she bought us. After some protests and acting out, we all got in to it and had a blast. Thank you so much, Ms. Mindy, it was a wonderful family night that we will all remember for years to come. The smile and joy of your entire visit help counter the loss of your presence.That was just one highlight among so many. The distancing I am feeling really is helping me keep my emotions under control, and handle my kids as well. Jack the puppy is so forlorn.

The only real regret is I didn't get a picture of all of us. I have to get up, motivated. Had my intake of coffee, time to shower, dress, clean a bit, fold laundry(ugh, maybe) as I have physical therapy to go to today for my shoulder/ neck. It feels so much better. I visit an Ob/gyn tomorrow to talk about possible surgical options, and my therapist the day after that. I also have other appointments and chores to get to..mmhhhmm.

The sun is blasting today, 112/79 degrees F forecast...whew! We will all be inside till it cools down a bit in the evening. Hope my words encourage, inspire, or amuse. Trying today to count my blessings, remain positive, and keep this open line going with my kids. Being thankful for what I have, LOL..great FB friends, a hard-working loving hubby, my "real" friends(lol), my kids, house, puppy, use of all my limbs and brain. A sense of humor to laugh at the funny parts and keeping it real.

"Life is too short!!! Live it up, break the rules, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh loudly, have fun, make memories, and never forget or regret anything that once made you smile :)"

posted by my astral "twin"! TY!

TTYAL, thanks for listening.

Next Level-Next Step.

I am not sure how coherent I will be today, my mind is a messy jumble of I don't knows, what ifs and how abouts. It was a glorious two weeks with my hubby home. He left yesterday to go back to work. I know he will only be gone 4 days this time. Awhh, crap..I miss him. Both my kids and Jack, the black puppy miss him too. Some of this is his effect on me, he gives me a very necessary balance. My daughter sighed, "Dad's leaving? That means you will get mean, bossy, and sad." I told her I have been working on it...that is what my therapy is for. She informed me that I am doing better but, need to "up" my sessions. Thanks, Renee, I am laughing here. She keeps it real.

Jack is doing good. He still is a troublemaker, as always, but he manages to be so cute about it. He just brought his water bowl from outside. It was empty, as was the one inside as well. I refilled both, and he took a small drink, gave me a sniff and has laid back down again. If reincarnation is true, I really want to come back as a dog or a cat, with nice owners. I think their life would be so blissful and easier. I tortured Jack last night with a bath. He is so soft and smelling sweet. He is NOT going to be happy with his flea preventative, today. He is smart and runs away every time he sees it.


That Jack heals old wounds for me doesn't phase him at all. He's a dog, he lives and loves. I do wish he was a bit more of a mutt, I think that would have made him a bit less high-strung. My kids love, curse, play and ignore him. He can get mean and crazy. Renee has accused me of stealing him from her. Yeah, in a way she's right. They go hide and play their e-games and I was left to "deal" with him. I am his favorite, except.. Mark the hubby plays with him the best, they play their version of fetch and a few other games. Jack kisses up to him quite a bit. My girlfriend who will be coming to visit next weekend shamelessly spoils him by sneaking him food. He follows her everywhere. What a traitor. Yes, both of them.

I saw my GP today. Whew! The good news is my blood pressure is up in normal levels, again and my anemia has improved by 10 points. He gave me a referral to an OB/GYN surgeon and a script for physical therapy. I cancelled my heart appointment follow-up as they had already told me they hadn't found anything. SO?? I'll try the pt for my neck and shoulder. Maybe I'll try a chiropractor instead if it doesn't help. I am going to wait and see how my period goes. Other than that I am done being a medical guinea pig for awhile or a Zebra.

It is back to what works and doesn't. Cleaning up my diet again and adding more exercise is the first step. The second is to watch my stress levels. Third is my caffeine intake and monitoring my medicines and vitamins. Last is starting a quit smoking program. I'd like to try hypnosis again, but actually do it on a personal basis. Yeah, I know you have heard this song-and -dance before. I have finally accepted that a lot of my physical ailments stem from my mental dilemma's. Feeling good requires work and planning, at least for me. I have been here before and accomplished my goals.

Therapy, hmm.. i face a lot of challenges there. I am laughing though, today.. as having addictive personality disorder( that's my new term) I broke so many of the chemical dependencies so many years ago. My latest yearning for drugs and alcohol? I can say I'd rather not drink, then that I don't drink at all. This is probably not the way you are supposed to do it. But, for me ..when I give myself the choice I can honestly say, no thanks. When I try to force the iron band of no, my mind rebels and thinks of ways to prove that I should or could or how..makes no sense?? LOL, uh-huh. trust me, this is not the answer for anyone except maybe me.

I have lots to do and my first step is to charge my soul batteries, kiss my kid's, sneak up on my puppy with his  no-flea gunk and take a nap. TTYAL Thanks for listening , will write/vent sooner next time.

To my friend LKY, OMG! Prayers and love honey if you read this, I am very worried about you. Special prayers for Abby and Addison, two ICU babies fighting for their lives. All my other friends, you know who you are..keep going. You are all so amazing.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love.--"Mother Teresa

 "The fear you have about being insignificant is a deception. As long as you have the courage to act, you will matter."

You all matter..somewhere, somehow, to somebody, and yourselves.