I am barely breathing...

I have missed you all. I am still smoke-free, it has been two weeks now. I am totally and completely exhausted. Non-smoking is supposes to give you energy and better breathing capability. LOL, I guess I read the memo wrong. I am beat...and have been having a harder time breathing. It feels like a weight on my chest for the most part. I do smell better in two ways. The smoke isn't in my clothes, hair, mouth. I also,  hmm..can smell other odors stronger and faster. But wowza! I am sooo tired.

I saw my surgeon and my hernia surgery is scheduled for next week. *sigh* This is operation #3, and it is going to be a mess. They don't know how much of the mesh has adhered to my bowels at this point. So, I may have a lot of bowel removed or none. I have given up so far on all my other symptoms. I am "normal"..yeah, right. The doctors can't figure it out and neither can I. I can't afford any more tests or specialists. No more Zebra's.

Do you understand why I haven't written? LOL, sorry. I have been very depressed again. Each and every day has been a battle to get up and get showered, dressed and do anything. I have been in a black pit and know it is stupid. There is nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself. Knowing it, and what?? Slipping around and around in the muck of it and giving up..on the inside.

Is this just an addict thing? Shite!

I gave up smoking for a whole lot of reasons..one is so this damn surgery actually works. I also realize that once again I am out of a job/occupation. I have tried to deny this for years. I can't go back to waitressing, ever, or retail, or factory, or UPS. I have always had somewhat brutally physical jobs. There was good and bad things associated with each one. Now, hmmm...my body can't seem to take anything.

I feel useless.

Not that I am not needed. LOL.. I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, kids to ignore,(LOL) cooking, cleaning, shopping, the whole mom, wife, and pet-owner thing. Plus, I get guilt-trips too. I can spend so much, and not save anything at all and I am so not bringing any money in. Shazbot!

Whew! My hubby comes home Thursday, weird. My girlfriend is coming Monday, and the kids go back to school. My surgery is Wednesday.

Facebook has helped. I have friends I have talked to. My kids? Not so much, I am so frustrated today with them and the dog. I am...I am not even sure what the hell I am.

I have had another nap since writing all this. It does make a difference. I crave the smokes and don't. I want to get wasted, but don't. I have other addictions, fantasies that I am ignoring. I'd like to go eat a whole box of Dunkin Donuts, or hmm.. I really want to wallow and be crabby, this I do do a bit. LOL, sorry kids and hubby. Jack, the puppy doesn't take this personally. The kids?? It is still a 100 degrees outside, Max went to the mailbox for me and almost passed out. Renee has not been anywhere all day and refuses to do anything but sit in A/C and work on her computer art.

I am going to be okay. I know this isn't the way it is going to end for me. The only way it would is if I let my own stupidity get in the way of myself. Which is? Hello, Laura..mmhmm.. I am listening, Lord. I will knock this off and pay better attention to what is going on. My friend likes to say one day, one step at a time. For me today and for the last week, it has been a struggle of epic proportions that shouldn't have even made me blink. Hah! I have won this round so far.

For you, my readers..does any of this make sense to you? Not only that I am human, but so human and flawed at times? I think everyone has their struggles to stay sane and active and not let the darkness win. I may be the exception in that I write about it, and admit it. Or that it happens so often? *sigh. Thanks for listening as always. I need to remember that this is one of my strengths. It helps make me stronger to write it out. I feel better now than I have all day. I have coupons and groceries to get to..and more straws to buy.
Smoke-free and learning my "new" normal. Thanks.