As an addict, my mind continually looks for ways around things. I have mentioned before that addicts don't think that "normal" rules apply to them or consequences. When bad things happen we think it is because we are cursed. No, we know we are cursed and nobody understands. We also won't or don't take no as an answer. LOL, or own minds just won't accept reality, so we change it, or try to. It has worked before, and when it hasn't, (see above) we were cursed or missed something or didn't know or..it is never really our fault. Until the day or moment we decide everything wrong in our life and the universe is our fault. Those times suck. Neither scenario is really real.
I have been trying to figure out the "why?" of how my mind and everyone else's works since I can remember. I am figuring out now, finally that I may just never really know. It still fascinates me though. Children of addicts and abuser's (the 2 can go hand in hand..) develop an extra awareness that "normal" kids don't have. We can act on cue, we were used to playing certain roles at home. I had to laugh when I first started waitressing. This is what I had been doing all my life. I was the one responsible at dinner( and other meals during weekends or holidays) for making sure everything was on the table before we all sat down. We all cooked, and we were all hypercritical of whoever had cooked something. Total bare honesty, it didn't matter, we still had to eat it and all that we were served. Of course, if we complained too much, we got an extra helping.
The only rule for not eating something was if my dad decided something was burnt or spoiled. He sometimes had a temper tantrum and knocked everything on the floor. But, he usually waited until we were almost done. I think he enjoyed putting down my mom's cooking more, making fun of her weight or ours. Actually, just being a complete and total a-hole. We got whacked with forks, spoons, and had food thrown at us. We ate food with mold, with bugs, and were punished if we threw up. I hated eggs, cooked any kind of way, lima beans, liver, and mushrooms. I wasn't thrilled about milk, either. We had to drink a glass. You could not leave anything on your plate or be wasteful. Other times, as a punishment everybody got to eat and you didn't.
I don't force my kids to eat anything. I admit I did go too far the other way. My son is the pickiest eater ever. My daughter has her Asperger's rear up while she is eating. She eats like my brother did..*sigh. It drove me nuts when I was a kid, it still does now. I am not going to go into detail.
Why am I writing about all this? I don't know. It was what it was. I hate that I am still reacting in ways to things that happened when I was a kid. I, at first,was always the pleaser. I tried to have everything perfect, be perfect, so my dad wouldn't get mad or mean, and would love me. It wasn't possible and it took me, and is still taking me a lot of time to figure out it wasn't my fault. It never was. The pain and sadness remain. That my Dad had so many issues and still does, oh well. It isn't my problem any more. That I have issues with different things..I talk to my therapist. I talk with my friends, and my frenemies. The people that don't "like" me are usually the most honest. It is painful, but true.
It always seems to me that I should have different rules. It isn't right, but a lot of the times I really don't care. Other times I look at myself and really say, what the hell are you doing? I have had to impose my own limits on things over the years. When I go overboard, which ends up sooner or later. I make up my own rules of how I try to control myself. Do I break my own rules? Well, yeah. lol. It depends on what it is. I learned to never say never, every time I did say that, for sure, without a doubt. Never, ever..I ended up doing it, somehow. Of course, this gave or gives me ammunition later. To berate yourself with.
Why? LOL, I am still working on that one. I keep taking steps toward better mental health. I slip, fall, every day is a different challenge. That's life. I think I am on the right track at the present. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Peace is attainable and I can be in control and not at the mercy of my desires and addictions. Woo-hoo!
I got to go get some rest, now. It is late. This is one of the times I miss a cigarette. The last one before bed. It's ok. I have some celery and am going to go outside and meditate, look at the stars and then go to sleep. TTYAL, thanks for listening.
I don't know why those two quotes, but they are both saying something to me on different levels. G'nite!
I have been trying to figure out the "why?" of how my mind and everyone else's works since I can remember. I am figuring out now, finally that I may just never really know. It still fascinates me though. Children of addicts and abuser's (the 2 can go hand in hand..) develop an extra awareness that "normal" kids don't have. We can act on cue, we were used to playing certain roles at home. I had to laugh when I first started waitressing. This is what I had been doing all my life. I was the one responsible at dinner( and other meals during weekends or holidays) for making sure everything was on the table before we all sat down. We all cooked, and we were all hypercritical of whoever had cooked something. Total bare honesty, it didn't matter, we still had to eat it and all that we were served. Of course, if we complained too much, we got an extra helping.
The only rule for not eating something was if my dad decided something was burnt or spoiled. He sometimes had a temper tantrum and knocked everything on the floor. But, he usually waited until we were almost done. I think he enjoyed putting down my mom's cooking more, making fun of her weight or ours. Actually, just being a complete and total a-hole. We got whacked with forks, spoons, and had food thrown at us. We ate food with mold, with bugs, and were punished if we threw up. I hated eggs, cooked any kind of way, lima beans, liver, and mushrooms. I wasn't thrilled about milk, either. We had to drink a glass. You could not leave anything on your plate or be wasteful. Other times, as a punishment everybody got to eat and you didn't.
I don't force my kids to eat anything. I admit I did go too far the other way. My son is the pickiest eater ever. My daughter has her Asperger's rear up while she is eating. She eats like my brother did..*sigh. It drove me nuts when I was a kid, it still does now. I am not going to go into detail.
Why am I writing about all this? I don't know. It was what it was. I hate that I am still reacting in ways to things that happened when I was a kid. I, at first,was always the pleaser. I tried to have everything perfect, be perfect, so my dad wouldn't get mad or mean, and would love me. It wasn't possible and it took me, and is still taking me a lot of time to figure out it wasn't my fault. It never was. The pain and sadness remain. That my Dad had so many issues and still does, oh well. It isn't my problem any more. That I have issues with different things..I talk to my therapist. I talk with my friends, and my frenemies. The people that don't "like" me are usually the most honest. It is painful, but true.
It always seems to me that I should have different rules. It isn't right, but a lot of the times I really don't care. Other times I look at myself and really say, what the hell are you doing? I have had to impose my own limits on things over the years. When I go overboard, which ends up sooner or later. I make up my own rules of how I try to control myself. Do I break my own rules? Well, yeah. lol. It depends on what it is. I learned to never say never, every time I did say that, for sure, without a doubt. Never, ever..I ended up doing it, somehow. Of course, this gave or gives me ammunition later. To berate yourself with.
Why? LOL, I am still working on that one. I keep taking steps toward better mental health. I slip, fall, every day is a different challenge. That's life. I think I am on the right track at the present. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Peace is attainable and I can be in control and not at the mercy of my desires and addictions. Woo-hoo!
I got to go get some rest, now. It is late. This is one of the times I miss a cigarette. The last one before bed. It's ok. I have some celery and am going to go outside and meditate, look at the stars and then go to sleep. TTYAL, thanks for listening.
 |
| dawn, another day, another gift |
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do."-Dale Carnegie
"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller
I don't know why those two quotes, but they are both saying something to me on different levels. G'nite!
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