Down in the Hole-No Excuses, I know

I realize I haven't published for awhile. I have started about 4 or 5 different ideas, and stopped. The past week has been difficult. Mark, my hubby, has been gone an extra rotation, I got to see him for 4-5 days last month, total. I won't see him this month until the following Sunday. The bonus is that his company is finally going to pick up the tab and fly him home and back again. YAY! That means 4 whole days without him being exhausted from a 10-12 hour drive.

I fell into my big black hole, it was slow at first. When my hubby leaves I try to put on a brave face, and then it seemed as if everything sad I could think of just takes over. I tried walking and exercise. I read some books, FB'd of course. I tried to veer it into a different direction. I got angry instead, it is not so hard to do. Then tried to take my emotional buttload and fill my core with white molten lava. Yeah, it sounds weird...lol. I used that energy and got a lot of laundry done and a few other chores.

 I have been fighting physical symptoms, my period(sorry guys) went for 5 weeks straight and became so heavy, I was in a kind of shock. Sleep has been about 4-6 hours. I go to sleep exhausted and then wake up with the sweats and shakes. Migraine time and then, the combination of my IBS and hernia meant a lot of intestinal pain, living in the bathroom and trying not to throw up. If I start throwing up it means back to the hospital, and another surgery. That would be # 3. I'd really rather not.

I lost it. For 2 whole days I went through the motions of living, and cried every day/night for hours. I am blessed with my kids and Jack, the puppy. All three of which hugged and snuggled with me at its worst. The biggest lie ever told, sure yeah, I'm okay. I did my best to help others with their pain, this usually helps. There was bright moments and laughter. It just wasn't enough.

Depression is a disease. I am sharing this part of me with all of you, again, not for pity's sake, ugh..but for clarity. For those of you with depression, you understand this. Get help, anywhere and anyway you can. I don't understand why I was "blessed" with this or others too. I just have to deal and move through to the other side of it.

 For those who have never experienced this..whew! This is not the sadness you get when you have failed at something or just had a bad day or week, or a fight with whoever...whatever. It is similar to the depression you experience when you face major loss, death of a loved one, divorce, physical pain/disease, trauma from all sorts of evil things. That sadness is a major integral part of the grieving process. It can also turn into major clinical depression. (That's the term)

All addicts have this depression to varying degrees, their entire lives. I am not sure which comes first, the addictive behaviors or the depression. It intertwines and you self-medicate with whatever to feel better. Depending on what "candy" you get hooked on, you then face a cycle of the ups, downs and hell/oblivion and then reality. Reality, LOL, what a concept.

I visited 2 doctors, my medical doctor. Yes, I am now anemic, and my blood pressure is still squirrely, more tests..and some theories. But, we are working together for an explanation. My therapist.. I got to release a whole lot of emotional BS. I don't know why paying somebody to watch and listen to me cry helps, but wow! I do recommend it.

One day at a time..I am realizing that I am in the first stages of recovery. I am an addict and always will be, finding the right solutions and strategies..a daily process. I am an active user, FB, food, nicotine, caffeine, and a few other things...shazbot!

I also have a lot going for me, great friends, family..which includes my hubby and puppy too. I have a brain, which while damaged a bit still works, and a sense of humor..

• Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that. - Unknown

Uh-huh..LOLOL.


Mother's Day is tomorrow, it is a good/bad day for me and I have a blog for it. I also have another draft that I have been working on for some time. I will share that one also..not quite ready yet.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."

Who are you? Who do you want to be? :-)

I have said this before, the only constant in life is change..and life is a circle. You are here for a purpose, and while you are alone in yourself, we all share the same sun, dirt and air. Our DNA is the same thing stars are made of..let yourself shine and share the warmth.

Thanks for listening as always, comments of any kind are welcome. TTYAL..missed you all.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

Life is but a Dream

I think I am sleep writing this. I am very tired. I resist sleep, though not because of nightmares. I do have an occasional one. I very rarely remember my dreams, the non-scary ones are beyond bizarre and in color. The Chantix drug I am on  to quit smoking is supposed to cause strange dreams..so far so good. My quit date was yesterday, didn't make it. I have enough Chantix to last till March..so March 21st it is. One of my high school girlfriend's birthday's...the day before mine.

All of us smoker's used to hang around and smoke at the bus stop, before and after. She never did. Her aunts, who all smoked, had put money into a trust for her. If she ever smoked she would forfeit it. I never knew if the story was true or not, but I loved it. When anybody in our group gave her crap about not smoking..I'd stick up for her. Smoking for me was a choice, not the result of peer pressure. I went to a party in WI early on in my Denny's career, didn't drink much that night. I felt a bit strange because all the girls were so young and then younger. They were giving one of the kids a hard time about not smoking. I remember saying leave her alone, whatever. She still has never smoked and never will. I am still proud of that and her... she has kids of her own now.

Dreams, nightmare's..being a server, sigh." Dennymare's"..where you are stuck at work, can't remember a d**n thing, the kitchen is messed up and you have a whole dining room full of angry, hungry people and more coming in the door. This was often reality, too...so many many times. The dream was easy, wake up. The reality, you could break down, walk out or keep going. You didn't get to break down till after..you just kept going. Sometimes you got help, and sometimes you didn't. Sometimes people came in and took the whole thing over, so not helpful really. Other times you realized you were helping out others too much...doing their job for them. Not really all that helpful, either.

I am hoping people don't mind that I am talking about them. I am not naming any names...LOL...not yet.(evil grin here) I am just kidding..

The next level? I have said that reality can bite and hard. You can try to live it as a dream, but there has to be a time where you wake up. You can break down, or walk out, or the best bet.. keep going. Sometimes you get help, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are the one helping someone else.

I managed to do three projects today. I made appointments on the phone, which I hate doing. I finally got my Christmas tree down and packed away. Yes, I know it is February.. I will store it away tomorrow. I also let go of a person who I was using as a crutch. He is back to being an awesome friend. Thanks for letting me lean, I am getting the hang of it now. I smile here.

Have a great day or night and pleasant dreams..TTYAL.