g'night, g'morning, g'day

Of course, I am not sleeping when I am supposed to be. I am kind of tired, but not the I-am-ready-to- crash kind of tired. I will feel this in the morning, I get up early to get the kids off. I usually sneak back to bed after they have left. I have the cabinet design lady coming. I wish my hubby was going to be here. He is the one with the ideas of what he wants to look like. I don't care. Okay, I take that back. I do care, this kitchen is so stupidly designed it is bonkers. I think it could be gutted and redone. I wish I had that kind of money.

Right now I am in a trial mode of seeing what works for me and what doesn't. I am communicating with my kids so much better. I am not as frustrated as I used to be. My hubby still works too much, but having him  here to talk to and see for a little while is way better than none at all or over the phone. He gets frustrated with the kids differently then I do. We balance each other out. Renee (knock on wood ) is doing way better than she was. She is still fighting depression and loneliness. I think this move has been positive so far. A step in the right direction, as she is in a school where not only do they know what Asperger's is but have trained personnel who know how to deal with it. Bonus.

I am not going to say a lot tonight. Tomorrow I get to ride my bike again and/or take Jack for a walk/jog(ish) . I am really out of shape. It makes me feel so much better when I just go do it. It is amazing how many excuses I can come up with to not go outside...or downstairs. I have always found basements creepy. I watched a movie when I was a kid about monsters living in the basement and they were after this girl.  They of course succeeded in making her one of them, ugh. My sibs made fun of me about this. I always had to have the lights on downstairs and still do. Just because a fear isn't rational, doesn't make it any less of a fear.

Plus, not trying to get all spooky on you all, but there is a lot of things still unexplained in this world. Once we start figuring out different things, we find out how much we don't even know. The stresses of modern life, I feel sorry for my kids with that, but also a little jealous. They will get to see so many cool and new advances.

Y-a-w-n..time for me to go snooze. thanks for listening. I changed the color of the type as I heard it was hard to read. I hope this helps. I hit some weird button just a bit ago which shrunk this whole page I am typing on. I hope it posts normal size. LOL, I have such strange worries and problems.

 I have a family member who has been very ill. So far so good, but it has been very scary. I am not identifying them by name, as i didn't ask their permission to post this but can you all wish them well or offer up a few prayers? Thanks so much, and thanks for reading this. I have other friends on a list that keeps getting longer. One very special little girl has made it to her 1st birthday. This makes me feel so incredibly happy.

My other friends are going through so much turmoil, medical, financial,spiritual..etc. I pray and offer them hope and a ray of sunshine. I love to make them laugh or groan, and forget about their troubles for awhile. It is sweet sweet music to me. To my friends who took care of me during my travels, thank you so much.  I am so lucky to be me and where I am today. Good night all.

clouds

TTYL..

Hi..

Hi, yeah..I am still here, I am really not sure why. I have been so tired. I slept yesterday almost around the clock and the day before and..not sure before that. I probably had insomnia instead, or heartburn which ends up in insomnia. My head is a mushy mess of randomness. This affects more than just writing, I have to really remind myself what day it is.

My hubby works too much. He works too much and too often, then he comes home and does more work. Today it was picking up dog poo and mowing. I don't mow grass, not because I can't. I prefer not to. I am allergic to grass and hay, it makes me itch and I break out in hives. I went on a hayride as a teenager, oh boy that was not good. I would make an incredibly lousy farmer.

I had the thought that I don't have any hecklers or get angry e-mails, or get much feedback from this at all. What comments I do get have all been from people I know. With one exception, they have all been sweet. The exception wasn't even mean, just 1/2 and 1/2. The bonus was it was truly an honest opinion. Okay. I can deal with that. I am not trying to piss people off. I am just striving to sort out my own tangle of thoughts and my life. I think folks can relate or if they don't they just move on and/or shake their heads.

Oh, I forgot, for awhile I got guys who were trying to hook up with me. Delete. That was easy. It didn't even make me feel bad. I need another project or job or something. I had to laugh in a way as I have had so many people who dream about not having to work make comments. I miss work. I love having a job away from home, with people. Even my worst jobs were better than staying at home. I miss having my own money, too.

The reasons I don't work. Number one is because I owe a massive amount of money for school loans that I have never been able to repay. I waited tables for so many years so the government couldn't garnish my wages. At tax time they take any return money and keep it, my hubby files an injured spouse form and they give him half back. Since I haven't been working, he gets to keep all of it. My whole plan was after my kids got big enough, and in school full-time I was going to work full time and start making payments. My boss screwed me over with that big time, she didn't like me much. Then there was the whole getting severely ill and paying for medical bills instead, fiasco. We just finally paid another (last) medical bill off from that time.

Now, I don't know.

I am so sick of housework and children...and children and housework. LOL..Jack has been okay. I haven't been walking him at all. I need to get back in the swing of things. I have appointments and a few places to go the next few days. This is good for me. It helps to get out and do things.

I don't know why but I still get random cravings for a cigarette. I am still good without. That is a big expense I can't afford. Medical, dental, prescriptions, therapy..even with insurance these things add up. I don't know how we are going to pay for Max's braces. I have gnarly teeth and wanted braces. I was already a social outcast with my clothes, my family, being overweight, wearing glasses, non-athletic and being smart...braces wouldn't have been a bad thing.

I am trying to find the positives, and lately it has been very difficult. I doubt I will publish this...if I did..I hope you will bear with me. Big breath, next step up, things to do tomorrow  to help my daughter, and my hubby and maybe me, Max and the dog, too. I pray for so many others, some are just a quick thought, others are more profound. Others are people I am trying to forgive, some just can't help themselves. I am sorry "you are an ass" really isn't what I am striving for. I try to be nicer, but God sure put some challenges out there.

I got to go crash, TTYAL..I probably won't be writing much or very often. I still feel I am talking to myself for the most part, even though the blogger site says I have readers all over the world. I hope that I have affected you in some way for the good. Thank you for listening.

No Yelling.

First off I have to say I had a wonderful time with my in-laws, my hubby's brother, his wife and their furry baby, a black Lab named Leeloo. Jack, our-not-so-evil puppy had to boss her around even though he is a quarter of her size. They are almost identical..even their eyes. Total opposite in temperaments, Jack's Chihuahua side won't let any dog lord it over him. He likes to be top dog. Leeloo was so easy going and sweet. She is also very well-trained. Jack, not so much..

I wish they could have stayed longer, but it is okay. They only live about an hour away. That is not far at all. For any of my foreign readers, that is by car. The buses and train systems in the US are all local in big cities. They really don't connect well at all. American's and their cars is nuts. We drive even when we can walk or bike. Not all of us and not all the time, but mostly. Inner city life is extremely different then suburban living. It is also very different if you are very rich or very poor.

I have a feeling I am going to get yelled at now. I don't feel good. It is more than just being tired all the time. I have been having mild chest discomfort on-and-off for weeks. It keeps getting worse not better and lasting longer. I know. I know. In my defense, I have to state that I had a complete work-up on my heart last year when my blood pressure was going whacko. I got to wear a monitor, had pictures taken of my heart before and after a treadmill run and had blood pressure taken at all different points.

They didn't find anything wrong except that I am obese and severely out-of-shape. I smoked then, too. I was supposed to do a tilt-table test but was maxed out financially. They gave me a steroid to take that I finally stopped using. It made my blood pressure soar. Whoops..not good. I hate going to doctors so much. They are expensive and really not all that helpful for the most part. I am a hypochondriac, with actual medical problems. The pain is most likely my lovely digestive system that is severely messed up.

Enough of all that, I think I can talk my hubby into maybe getting another dog now. I love rescuing shelter dogs. I want one a little older, trained and very easy-going and maybe a little bigger than Jack but not by much. He/she has to fit through the doggy door that will eventually be installed. My laundry chute will be happening soon too.

The problem with the chest pain is that every tiny exertion seems to make it worse. I have a tendency now to just not do and sit back and see how things go. This is good in some ways as it helps my emotional control, physically it bites. I need to start my walks/rides again soon. Losing weight will be a big bonus, not only for my health but for the long run. More mental stability, more focus, more ways to laugh at myself and have fun.

My hubby is off work for 4 days!! Wow. This should be fun, tomorrow is Labor Day. Then the kids go back to school on Tuesday. I can catch up on some chores and other things. Woot!

I will have pictures of the dogs from my hubby's phone. Right now, I am going to see if I have anything good to look at. I am in a good mood, just tired and taking it easy. I always think of the song "Sitting on the dock of the Bay.."

Thanks for listening, I have the greatest audience ever. TTYAL.
My level for today was to enjoy and savor the moment, success can be a dessert with no calories but tasting so sweet.