Rainy Days and Mondays..always make me High.

The depression is taking over today. I am fighting against it and trying to stay afloat. I was in the pool holding onto a swim noodle. My feet weren't touching and the current just kept swirling me around slowly in a circle. A different viewpoint and thought for every 1/4 or 1/8 turn. I could look at the sky and realize my face was burning. Or put the back of my head in the water and not listen to a sound except underwater gurgle. Awh gheeze. I am so tired.

Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.

Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears  have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?

It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.

My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.

My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.

I have reached my limit and beyond.

This is not the end of it, though.

Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.

I am not "normal" either. LOL

As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.

I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.

All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it  just happened.

In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.

When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.

I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!

Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.

There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

from  Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry:  "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."

I am the Year, Day and Hour of the Dragon.

Hell, I Don't Know Sh*t

LOL, hope you like the title. I have been having "days". Up, then down..life at its finest. I have more stories to write, observations on things. Have come to some conclusions, then realize that a lot of it is shite. The more you know the more you realize how much you don't and never will.

Everybody is posting on my Facebook about the death of Osama. I really don't care. I am glad that one "evil" dude is dead, I guess. I say "evil" in quotes as I don't believe everything the media says about anybody. My one friend posted, "Satan personified" uh-huh. I am so sad, that people are so happy about the death of anybody. I cried and still cry about the Twin Towers and 9-11, there were 4 planes that day. Osama being dead doesn't bring any of those people back to life. I remember how pissed off  Americans were about Arab people dancing in the streets that day. Now I see the opposite, Americans are dancing their happy joy dance of hate and retribution. The war continues..

I am not a "hippy love" freak either. I know how to shoot a gun. I am actually pretty good at it. There is people who I have hated. A small select few I still do, if they died it wouldn't be a big loss to hardly anybody. Funny, how those are the ones who seem to live the longest, true a-holes. If I had to kill someone to protect my friends and family, I wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger...or use whatever means I had at my disposal. People have died for way more stupid reasons than that. Always will.

I keep going back and forth between the thought that I have almost died so many times. WOW! I am still here..got to be a reason for it. I am trying to think of it as a gift and not a curse. I have my days..LOL.

I still have my goals for the year, expose child abuse/pet abuse. Lose weight/ exercise.. talk openly about drug, sex and alcohol addiction, run-aways, depression, mental illness and health. I had a friend tell me the other day that I have hope, and that is a start. To just keep doing what I am doing. My form of addiction scares the hell out of him. It scares the hell out of me too, even though I am cool with him as just a friend now. I have to laugh, because I really don't know what I am doing most of the time. I just care..and love..and feel. I am what I am, and that changes day-to-day on which part you will see.

I am ending with some quotes, that I hope make you think..what is your next step/level, where do you want to go?


 

"Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness"

-- Ray Bradbury (I think..not positive)

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless"

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." - Warren Buffet

My thought with all this is plant a tree, a real one or a seed of kindness and goodwill wherever you can. Show someone you care and mean it. It doesn't really matter what you know..it is how you live.

 

"Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

TTYAL ..have a beautiful sunshine day and thanks for listening.

"I Don't Like Monday's"

I am proud of myself today, to a certain point. Always have to have those qualifiers...it's okay. LOL, I am thinking it is what makes me interesting. I dropped my brother off at the airport today. I am going to miss him. It was a visit that was 20 years past due. He is and always was amazing. Geoff is the oldest and I am the youngest, though my mom miscarried at one time. Gordon or George would have been my younger brother. I wish, and then again, no. He didn't even get a chance to breathe, but ended up in a better place.

The proud part was that I am getting very good at navigating the Arizona freeway system. For someone who has no sense of direction and a fuzzy brain this is a major bonus. Yey! I only had one panic attack last night on a ramp. Damn vertigo! It makes no sense, my fear of heights, bridges, curvy roads. It features in my dreams quite often. I am driving on a road that leads up and up and up..then I am on the top looking down. Sometimes there are bridges, usually there are more windy roads that loop around. I suppose there may be a choice, but the fear wakes me up. Aaargh!

In real life, the fear is even stronger. It hits me..at the most inopportune times. It makes me feel a bit trapped here knowing I can't drive through mountains. I've tried..so not good. I am disgusted with this, even though I try to give myself a break. How many phobia's can one person have? My favorite author in one of his books pointed out that those who have been "mind-raped" suffer with irrational fears, phobia's, etc. that may never go away. LOL, since he is a "fictional" writer I am hoping for better.

Completely off topic, to my friend and fellow SA and Fb addict, I am sorry. What I said to you was wrong. I know it, you know it. I am not a counselor. I am in the same boat, sorry, I rocked it. I am glad you are doing better with FB, and hope you are doing better with other things as well. We are what we are..but we can get better. I do miss chatting with you. Whew! My brother wasn't even phased by any of my addictions or any other shocking revelations. The fact that I am non-political and have only voted once..LOL. I am very glad he is still speaking to me.

My hubby comes home tomorrow. YES!

Other things..my car is still smoke-free. (*sigh) This has been a major challenge for me. I know I missed my quit day. I am a big squawky chicken. I have another plan, but am not ready to share it yet.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength"

This was posted by a friend of mine, who can be very wise for someone so young. LOL..he said he never had a stalker before. No, I am being good. It does hurt, this fight. But I have won before. I am trying to break free of all the habits and fears that have me trapped. One step at a time..

My level..what is yours? What are your fears and how do you face them? How do you help other's with theirs? These are just questions..there are no right or wrong answers. I would be the last person to judge...as in not my job, desire, or life-purpose.

"tell me why? I don't like Mondays..." It is a song by the Boomtown Rats that was inspired by a girl  who
went on a shooting spree.. at the school across the street. This makes me cry inside. More fuel I guess...the world CAN be a better place. I have to believe that. I still love Monday's.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

Alice, Where are You Going? Part II

"Alice, Where are you going?" 

"Upstairs, to take a bath"

Alice, with legs like toothpicks and a neck like a giraffe-raff-raff...

Alice pulled out the plug.

"Oh my goodness! Oh my soul! There goes Alice down the hole.."

"blub, blub, blub."