bye, Angel..

Breaking an obsession is never an easy task. I have what has been called "addictive personality disorder". My addictions vary widely from minor to major and everything in between. I am putting my quote in now:

"You can never make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it's not a mistake, it's a choice."

I made a choice. It is the second time I have tried this, it has proved very difficult. I don't think it is a mistake. It was past due, but God it hurts.

I have been praying a lot, sleeping and crying. It has proven to me that it was a wiser choice than a lot I have been making lately. I had a fixation on someone. It never should have happened in the first place. I never should have tried to pursue it or make it work, somehow. I had/have to get past it. I will. I hope.

I have to hold on to that hope, and other things.

I am trying not to over think it, which I tend to do. I am trying to get all this emotional crap out of my system, and I will feel better.

The fixation? I used everything in my power to not only make a connection, but force it. I have been acting out, in a way to cause chaos. A look-at-me, look-at-me type of response.

I have never met this person that I remember. I don't know them, I never knew them. They didn't know me and still don't. Nothing happened except me acting stupid. My head hurts. They helped me, they hurt me and didn't mean too. They are still my friend, somewhere, I just can't talk to them any more, ever. I asked them to block me and they agreed. They were also correct in saying that anything I did to myself has been on me.

I don't understand a lot of this, and maybe I am not supposed to. It makes me so sad. I do not want to be the person I am right now. This part of me, I abhor. The out-of-control part...the crazy section. The place of pain/happiness, ecstasy/despair and it is always a duality thing. A place where everything is better than real and worse than actuality. I can't stay here, though I have tried to.

I can force myself through to this place with drugs, alcohol, and pain...reality has really nothing to do with it. Now it is time to back away again and get back to.. a son who is sad, lonely, hungry and worried about me and himself. A girl who finds peace in her lonesomeness, a kind of social destruction, a puppy who thinks the whole world was designed to give him treats. lol My hubby who is so far away and works so hard. Damn you.

Dear God why? Why after so many many years, did you have to expose all my pain at once? I have no answers today. No levels, this page is about pain, loss, stupidity and obsessions. I may never post it. Or I may, just to show how human and crazy I can be. I know, sadly, there is people that can relate. Addicts. "effin morons" We do this to ourselves over and over, WHY?

I own no rights to this video, music or lyrics.




It is all one-sided, my obsessions. They don't love me back. Not the people, alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, jobs, books, drugs, none of it. The people are the trickiest and hardest. Sometimes they care, and that makes it worse. They can never care enough to fill the void. Assholes are easy to hate. Nice people, normal people, no..

I am so sorry. "goodbye stranger, its been nice. Hope you find your paradise, tried to see your point of view, hope all your dreams, will come true...goodbye Mary, goodbye Jane..will we ever meet again. feel no sorrow, feel no shame, come tomorrow,  feel no pain..." Supertramp

Tomorrow will be another day, and I will be okay. That's how it works. Thanks for listening, ttyal.

no pain..

I don't know what to do with myself today. I have energy now, but no desire to really do anything. I want to get "effing" wasted and just give the whole world the finger. Everything is annoying me, it feels like a screech on a blackboard kind of feeling. I am not sure where all this frustration is coming from. PMS? Maybe. I finished two books this week, and while I enjoyed both. Crap! I didn't get a rush or fix off of them. My life is still boring, even with my hubby here. Physically, for the most part, I am doing way better.

I want.

I don't know what I want, nothing is working. Facebook only distracts me for a little while, shopping. *sigh. I still have not completely regained my kitchen. I am not even sure what to clean or stock, my mind is a mess. My husband has kept me distracted for a while. I smile here. I am off the pain meds. I have another 1/2 hour till the kids go to bed. Aaargh.

Okay, I can do this. I can get through the turmoil running around loose in my brain and let it go. I say a few choice swear words here. I am not all alone, my God is always with me. He is not saying too much. Or maybe, I am just not getting the message. I need somewhere to go, something to do. Something real. My life?? OMG-LOL.

I will stop now and breathe, whew! It may not be the right answer but it is what I have. I talked with friends, virtually but still very important. I am snuggling with my puppy a bit. I took a sleepy pill that is also for anxiety and I can feel it seeping into my brain. I will 'fess up that I took a 1/4 dose of pain pills. My stomach hurts, but I'll admit it is more for the buzz. It gives my head that dopey sense of being at peace. It slows down the whirlwind and lets me unwind.

 Bed, sleep and tomorrow a new dawn. Tomorrow will be better. I will make it so, and hope that it is for all that read this too. G'night and talk to you all later.