Knowing

Simply Positive
" Staying positive & optimistic despite constant chaos, busy life, drama, sickness, pain, & issues is mental WORK! The tougher your life at the moment, the MORE you need to make it a daily priority to constantly focus on controlling your thoughts AND creating constant new positive ones to deflect the negative ones. You need to outweigh EACH negative thought w/ a positive one. EACH one. Balance thoughts. :)"

yeah, okay.

I am laughing here. I know I am not the only one. My thoughts are constantly swirling. Some surface and can be very negative, others are extremely positive. Most of them, can go one way or the other. As an addict, the goal was to drug, drown or kill this chaos of thought and emotion. Let the good times out, sometimes, and feel no pain or ecstasy and then numbness. Losing all control of mind, body and spirit so you didn't have to be accountable for anything you said or did.

I do miss it sometimes, crave it at others. I have enough experience now to know I don't always like the beast that emerges. I hate losing my control or balance now. I don't care for the aftereffects, I hold myself accountable for my own self. I like sober, straight me way better...for the most part. It gets boring and tedious too, work. LOL, that is when I know I am brooding again. Humor is a kind of gravy through this whole mix. Friends and family add spice, insights and glue. They help me hold myself together.

I am exhausted. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not. Mind over matter, but I am really really tired. (yawn). I have an hour to kill before my daughter's piano lesson. I don't think I can stay for the 1/2 hour. The teacher has two litters of beagle puppies. They are beyond cute, but with the temps in the 100+ range, they can't stay outside. The house reeks of bleach, throw-up, dog doo and pee. She has them in two plastic wading pools that she cleans three times a day. Way, way too much work for me. Times are hard, you do what you have to do. She sells them to good homes and makes a small profit.

I have to feed the kids then, we will be going out. I should have gone grocery shopping on Tues, Wed or today. Now I have my CT tomorrow morning.

I am not excited about this, this will be my fourth one in the last 10 years. Some people get claustrophobic, I just hate the cost and time of it. It takes forever. I'll be there, I am figuring about 5 hours or so. The medical staff will have me fill out paperwork that I have filled out a 100 times and then don't read it. I swear. Or they find one thing to repeat over and over again...the one time was about allergies. I had 7-10 different nurses ask me what my allergies were once while waiting for a surgery. I got grumpy and then got yelled at. I think if  just one of them had listened to my answer, and wrote it down it would have been cool.

I am being a whiny butt. LOL. I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Really, I do.  I  also think I have had more than my fair share of misdiagnosis errors, medical mistakes, and weird diseases or syndromes. I busted the pharmacy tonight, I went for my re-fill they called me for. Which one is it? The one I don't take anymore. When I informed him of that, he realized that they have been issuing two anti-depressants that don't mix. "You realize you can't take those together?" He was shaken and should be. I worked in a pharmacy, you are liable for stupid errors like that. I am so glad I can read and question things.

I had one of my fb friends call a girl a whore tonight for admitting to using birth control. Wow, I am still stunned and I shouldn't be. I did point out that birth control is prescribed to girls for reasons other than to prevent pregnancy from having sex. It really isn't the point though. I have been there and done that and been called that and a few other not-so-nice judgemental labels. I have to say that the people, guys and girls who called me this were either worse than me..or somewhere in their mind wanted to be. They had at some point in their life labeled that kind of behavior as taboo or a sin, and judged. Jesus didn't. He wept. I don't think it was because of promiscuity. It was because people were closed off to his message and his sacrifice.

I admit here I am not a true Christian and most likely never will be. I am one he weeps for or hopes for. I honor a lot of his teaching. I read the New Testament and a lot of the old. Is he the Son of God? Hmm..maybe, is that what is important? Who his dad was? He did change the world for good and evil. I have quite a few friends who are true Christians and devout, they are awesome people that I respect. Their faith inspires them to be better people, and they live it. I love them. Some other folks use their religion as a shield or wall to hide behind. They profess, and preach and are almost complete a-holes to everyone around them except the few who agree with everything they say. The holier-than-thou types, you know who I mean. Ugh. I avoid them, and try not to judge, really.

My one friend laughed at me and said,"Laura, you really can't start a religion of one." Sure I can, it is what it is. I found my God and continually work on this relationship. I am still more of a sinner than a saint, but I do have my moments. I have doubts, not that God is, but what his plan for me is. I know he is laughing. I laugh, sometimes, when I get the joke, too.

I am more worried about my kids tomorrow then me. I wish my hubby was home. I have been through all my CT's before, not quite alone, but never with someone. I have also had temper tantrums and took out my own IV's twice. Yuk, they are longer than you think. I also have had four IV's..um, don't know the technical term, swell my whole arm or hand vein up and explode all over the place. I have been overdosed with the wrong medicine, a whole bag of Magnesium, that one was awful. I almost had the wrong hand operated on. LOLOL. There is more. Another time perhaps?

I had to cut a part here for reasons out of my control...if you did read this before Thank You! Another time and place, it is still good and forever in my heart..knowing that you don't appreciate what you have in life until it is either threatened or somebody else shows you how by example.

First rule: Never let 'em change you. Rule 2: Do you. To the fullest. And never be ashamed to.

From my friend Tommy V, not sure where he got it. Thanks! Working on rule #2. The only person who can truly change you is you. Live, love, and be loved. It is out there.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.

My mom's name is Beryl

It is Mother's Day..had some fun with it. Uploaded some pics, went to Denny's with the kids, got so many well wishes and wrote a small article on Facebook. I called my mom. This is hard for me as we aren't always comfortable talking about things. There are topics that are taboo..

My mom will not read this probably, my husband or kids don't either, my therapist read a couple..I am not sure how many. My brother doesn't either, *sigh. LOL, it is really okay.

There is many things I could write here but I am just going to share two memories. One is my Grandma Strong, we lived with her for a few months after we moved to the US. I was 6 1/2..she scared me at first. She was old, all the old people I had seen up to this point were Greek. I think they hide their age better..my grandma was German, with fair skin and green eyes...and a big hairy mole on her chin. I swore it was alive..like it's own little animal.

I inherited that same damn "beauty" mark, as did my sis and mom..mine (eww..I remove the hairs from) Hate it. My mom and my sister got the brilliant green eyes, I got hazel...which change colors according to my moods and what I am wearing. I passed this color on to my son.

My grandma is in the middle, my mom next to her..the rest are my blood aunts and uncles, two of which have passed on.

My grandma Strong was the only one who ever stood up to my dad, ever. He was going to punish one of us for something..I don't remember her exact words, but it was to the effect. "You are living under my roof, and you will respect my wishes and not touch that child." I think she was the only one he ever respected. It was quite a reprieve for all of us..God I loved her, and still miss her and her world-class apple pie. She passed away when I was in jr. high at the age of 82, I think.

The next picture is of my Mom and Dad going to the Marine Ball, it was 1969..I was 5. I remember she made this dress, it was sparkly gold, and was utterly fascinated that she spray-painted a pair of pumps to match. I was the youngest of four, you can't tell from this picture..she was 39.

My mom was beautiful, movie-star gorgeous, with dark-brown hair, big green eyes and olive skin..the only make-up she ever wore was red lipstick.

There is so much pain, grief, and other emotions about my mom. I wish it had been so different. I regret that both of us had to suffer through so much pain.  I was not an easy child, none of us were..and she had a lot of issues and still does. But for this day, I had the most beautiful mom ever...and I loved her and still do. Happy Mother's day. Beryl is a semi-precious stone and should be cherished.