I Can...

The question was: Do you have a life plan? My answer was: You'd think everyone would or at least should. I don't. I am thinking about it.

I do have short-term goals, and longer range goals and a few action plans in place. The whole fight for my sanity really changed me and continues. This is a daily battle, I think I am improving and getting, where? That's why I need to figure out my life plan. I have a few ideas roaming around in my brain. This blog helps me pin them down and focus.

My life plan as a kid was to turn 18 and leave home. I managed that, 1/2 by accident and 1/2 by chaos and another part as who knows? I know that adds up to more than..life is not equal or fair. My life goal after I was 19 and left home (forever this time) alternated between survival, being a success, total panic, to getting as wasted and f**ked up as possible. The more I lived, the more pain, the more I screwed up, the more I hated myself..my life goal was to die before I was 30. I failed at that too....whoops! Though I came really really close so many many times.

My 2nd real life goal was to have at least one child by the time I was 35 or give up on it. I was with a man I loved, who was responsible, practical, who loved me and would provide for me. I married my husband Mark when I was 5 months pregnant, I had lived with him for 8 years before that. I was off of  birth control pills for 2 years, and found out eventually I was allergic to every other method. Go figure. I had my daughter Renee 5 days after I turned 34. I had my son Max at 35. We always laugh about BC or BK..before children or kids. Our lives...laughing. I love my kids forever and always. Don't always like them or love what they are doing, but..it is a loop. I love my kids forever and always.

My goals have been to be a better parent, all-around person, get healthy, live and love better and I don't know, stop being a whiner/watcher and become a doer. I quit smoking. You have no idea of how shocking that is to me. I miss it and I don't. It consumed so much of my life for so long. Getting healthy physically has been a challenge. Years and years of physical labor have taken their toll. Now, I am peri-menopausal. Which is a term to describe another stage of hell in a woman's life. LOLOL..good grief. I thought puberty/ menarche was bad, childbirth/ pregnancy was hell/ now? I tell my hubbie that woman are blessed with multiple orgasms because we are screwed for everything else. We might as well enjoy THAT. I laugh and smile here.

"We are all going to die". Yep, somewhere, somehow, eventually, unless there is a big secret conspiracy somewhere.  It makes sense that we should know how to live while we still have time to. That we do HAVE a plan, hmm..crap.

I was lucky, yes lucky and blessed in so many ways. Other people, woman, girls have had it harder than I did. My mom should have left my dad, my dad shouldn't have beat us or our mom. My mom didn't take beatings for us. She let us take whatever beating was coming and cried a lot. None of us respect her, mostly because we were taught not too. That is one reason why me and my siblings don't honor my folk's marriage or speak with them much.

rainbows and copters

The married drug addict I hooked up with when I was 19, only hit me once...in five years. He never used in front of me and I didn't know. That he addicted me to cocaine unintentionally and without my knowledge, *sigh. That he stole from me..and lied. I knew without knowing. That he loved me in his own way, I will never doubt. Fools, both of us...I learned a lot. I finally opened my eyes, saw the cockroaches on the walls and realized, no.

Then fell to pieces for about 3 years after that, I drank daily, got high daily, hit the bars daily..went to school full-time and worked 2 jobs. I never slept, except when I passed out. I met my hubby at the end of those three years..but I digress.

Life plan..where am I going, how and in what manner. I don't know. This is why I am probably going around in circles. Lol, sad and funny at the same time. I know I am not the only one. My God has had my back and kept me from a lot of troubles, at the same time that I met a lot of different hells and made it through, There is more to come, I am a-ok with that today.

My hubby goes back to Utah tomorrow, the kids go back to school Monday. I need to move forward, actually map out a "plan" for my next level? plans, goals, actions, prayers..huh. Thanks for listening. TTYAL

This song has been stuck in my head all day..I own no rights to the video, music, lyrics, nothing.

Another one..how many can there be?

Another day, I am not in a good mood. I expected more from myself and didn't achieve my goals. The stupid part is now I am angry/mad/disappointed with myself and crabby. I can feel the ugliness like an invisible cloak. Ugh.

I can step away from it and look at myself. The talk is "You are letting your emotions rule you" (true). "Your life is really not difficult, just boring" (true, again). "You aren't doing a very good job of it" (true, but kind of negative). "You ate too much, didn't exercise, and only did a 1/4 of the cleaning you were going to do, if that." (true,and getting harsh) "You obsessed on Facebook and elsewhere, messaged one friend too much and not enough to another..ignored your kids all day and talked negatively at your hubby for about 2 minutes on the phone."(true, and ?) You took a nap you really didn't need (true) "You are a fat, lazy, sad, ugly slob without a life because you are watching it slip on by..AND you are addicted to a person you have never met and CANNOT help you, peeps you don't even see, most you haven't seen in at least 20 years or more, and all you do is cry and blab about it, it is your own damn fault, your hubby isn't home why? Your kids are brats, you are supposed to be their mother...shall I keep going? I have got more.." (true, no..hell..f**k..shut-up)

THAT is depression.

The feelings of despair, worthlessness, sadness, pain, terror, embarrassment wash through you, sometimes as a trickle, sometimes as Niagra Falls. I have heard some version of this voice inside my head all my life. I have heard live versions of this rendition from others. The ones that really hurt worse than being invisible, is being looked at and dismissed, with a glance. You know what I am talking about...or maybe you don't. Lucky you.

LOL, not trying to bring you all down here. I did go for a walk/jog with the dog, which helped. I got a hug from my boy and a tissue from my daughter later. I will SEE my hubby in two days. I got to listen to my daughter play her music. I switched to de-caf, I am not smoking or drinking or anything really. Typing out my pain..hmm. It is helping quite a bit, thanks. I took a small nap, which I don't think I slept at all...but I am way more mellow.

I checked my Facebook, of course, and a friend's friend had passed away. I wish, I hope, I hurt for my friend and his pain. I don't know if that relieves him of some of it or not. No, I don't remember my friend from school, I talk to him on Facebook. I enjoy a lot of his posts and he is sweet to me. He is real, more than if I was reading a book. That sentence is for my therapist. You, my audience are real, too. I only know a few of you, I hope my ramblings help.

I am getting so tired so I am going to make it short.

AZ morning

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance. - Andrea Boydston

Every day is a success, some more than other's. My self-worth remains high, even if I try to devalue it or listen to the "shite". Level one, made it through the day..side-step, I made some people laugh and hugged both my kids and was loved by my dog. I also called and said good-night to my hubby. Good night or morning to you all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

How many days? However as many as we get.

A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

tell me when to wake up.

Wow! I am in a mood. I am not even sure what to call it. I feel fine, some twinges from my scar. A few other things happening that I may talk about. All-and-all, though, I am feeling very good.

I guess I should talk about the things that have upset me first. I miss my mom-in-law already. She was awesome. Even though I am now taking back my spaces, *sigh. She was really good for Renee and Max both, my kids. They glowed talking with her. Even Jack the puppy has been down today.

I guess the other thing bothering me is that people think I am trying to become a saint or holy. Oh hell, no. Even with my mom-in-law it wasn't all happy times. I had a temper tantrum once, the kids had a few too. She called them spoiled brats, which they are. She was herself. We got really used to her though, very quickly. My hubby went back and forth. He loved the food, and having his mom to smoke and drink with. He enjoyed and sometimes resented being mothered, though. We will use the dishwasher tonight, she did them all by hand, daily. LOL.

Facebook today, had quite a few negative posts. I don't get those. If you don't like FB, stay off of it. Wow! My blog here, is optional...you don't have to read it. I am sincerely amazed that people do. Thank-you, I am trying to find my way to mental health. I think I am doing pretty good so far. I have had some ups-and -downs. I also have side tracks where I talk about what is going through my mind. I am an addict. There are different labels I have heard, from professionals to regular folks. I can list some of them if you would like. I'd really rather not though.

I talk to a therapist weekly. I am not always sure that it is helping me. I think back to where I was even six months ago. Wow! No, I have progressed. I have quit smoking, and just went through major surgery. I had a breakdown, you can call it mental or nervous or whatever. I am on prescription drugs for anxiety and depression. I am down to 1 pain med a day. I am just trying to figure out my life. I find that helping others helps me. I also talk too much. I can smile at this point.

I like hearing about other people's lives and how they face their big battles and little daily struggles also. I love to laugh, and joke. I also feel people's pain and suffering and do my best to help. I hear God in my own way and hope that other's find their own answers to that question. I hate fanatic's, stupidity, politics,  and most sports.

I love music, art, food, and quite a few other things. I don't lie very often or try not to. I have stolen things and try not to. I can be amazingly brilliant and dumb as a rock. Can I throw out any more cliches? Whatever. I feel duality in just about everything I do. It is very annoying. I question why a lot. Why me? Why now? What the hell? I really can't stop this.

My hubby is home. This really drops my stress level like a stone. I rely on him. He relies on me. We have been together for quite a few years. We fight, we crab. We make out. It is one of my addictions. I am trying to keep this in check. It is what it is.

My girlfriend's grandfather just recently passed away. It wasn't unexpected. Her second grandma, his wife had already passed. I haven't seen either of them in many many years, but I am crying at their loss, now. They invited me into their home at three different times. They adopted me and treated me as family. They were both beautiful and shining souls. I am thankful that they are now out of physical pain. My love and prayers to their family.

I didn't expect to be so emotional.

I am writing this because I feel compelled to write. It may be one of my addictions, or mental fantasies. So be it. It may also be my stab at cheap therapy or my claim to fame. I am not sure where my next level or step is. Getting physically well, mentally fitter, and spiritually, hmm. I do need to work on so many things. Finding a job that pays would be surplus, bonus, dessert..

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

My quote for the day: While we are sleeping, angels have conversations with our souls. ~Author Unknown

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

Am I very far now?

Hi, it's me..I don't know how long this video will play or if it will at all. It's Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla..the song asks, "tell me all your thoughts on God. 'cause I'd really like to meet him/her..

Love this song, always have. It has been going through my head for a day and a half now since a friend posted it. My thoughts on God..hmm. I have already irked a lot of God or church people with my beliefs. I respect theirs, they think I am missing something or feel like I am lacking. At first, I was really wondering if I was..LOL. See my post WTH.

Most God and religion talk creep me out. Some actually makes me nauseous and some of it makes me madder than hell. For example, there was a post that this lady put up a while back how a real shepherd breaks the legs of a wandering sheep and carries it back to the fold and cares for it, lovingly and tenderly until it heals. She then compared this to Christ and his being our true shepherd and how... OH HELL, NO, I thought I was going to upchuck. Lady, you really really scare me. Plus, I had visions of Stephen King's book/movie "Misery".

I am not a "sheeple." There is enough people, masses out their with blind devotion to their faith, whatever it may be. This is how rulers ruled for many years, religious or otherwise. The God was King and vice-versa. It is also how 'cults' operate, how fanatic's are born and  what motivates suicide bombers/terrorists...Holy Wars, The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Holocaust, the mass murder of a whole lot of "brown" people, Bosnia, Serbia, the decimation of the American Indian, the colonization of too many people to list, Jonestown...the list goes on and on and on. Fear, terror, pain, guilt, suffering, disobedience..death to the heretic and all that crap.

There's another bible quote, "spare the rod, spoil the child" people have been using this as an excuse to beat the crap out of each generation, and the next one and the next for their own "spiritual" enlightenment, ever since this version was published. I am quoting from someone else, don't know who, but the original Hebrew meaning of the word "rod" was about learning/wisdom/teaching. Books were written on papryus or hides and rolled on "rods". So by sparing the rod, meant you weren't teaching your kids. Huh, right? True too, how else are they going to learn?

I have talked about praying before. I pray all the time, sometimes with specific names and questions..sometimes just complaining, sometimes for the whole world or at other times for a stubbed toe. My God is always with me, always has been, always will be. I find this incredibly comforting. I, also didn't realize that for a very long time. I didn't always listen either, knowing and regretted it. Other times, I blinded myself with self-hate, loathing, fear, guilt, anger and unleashed it on people and myself. I still struggle with this, my kids, my hubby, certain friends have seen me lose it. I have a nasty temper at times. A saint I so am not.

Having endured hours of forced kneelings and seeing others in pain because of it, prayers said aloud that were personal condemnations, being told to go pray as a punishment. I find the concept "on my knees" umm, ugh. I'd rather laugh at the sexual innuendo's. LOL, sorry if you find that shocking or disrespectful, Who the hell do you think designed our bodies and made sex pleasurable? OMG! indeed. My prayers are for me, and I share my prayers sometimes with others, for others..I don't always ask the right questions and know at times that I don't or can't see the whole picture.

I believe in Evil, big and little as I have seen my own personal version of it. Done my own contribution to this, I have lied, cheated, stole, killed, maimed, sometimes intentionally. Some of my current struggles are from the "hell's" of my past, some I had no control over, and some I did or had done. I have read about, lol, of course..big and little evil's in the world...past and present. I still find it appalling that American's are the only country to have dropped live "nukes' on two cities. I think so many people didn't know what it meant, I am hoping. For those who yell "nuke 'em" now..are morons. Educate yourself.. Hiroshima, look at the pictures, read the stories and the tales of the survivors..and the generational permanent genetic damage.

Awwh, hell I am getting "preachy". Hate that. My God and my beliefs have made me the person I am today and it is an on-going process. I see God everywhere, in Nature and people, and animals. I also find it a positive and up-lifting experience. When I say, God help me, he does..to get through unbelievable pain...mental, emotional and physical. He also sings with humor, joy, beauty and laughter..my kid's laughter, a warm puppy on my lap, my husband's embrace, a friend's hello.

My God has a sense of humor..I think the Devil does too, but opposite. The kind of humor that is only funny because it hurts someone else. I think you know what I am talking about.

Will I call my own Dad tomorrow for Father's Day? *sigh, I don't know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. He tries very hard to keep any of the religious stuff out of the conversation. Otherwise, I'll say bye and hang up. He makes lame jokes which I laugh at, think Reader's Digest version. He will tell me about his medical problems, and my sister or brother's and their kids, maybe. He will get all choked up and tell me, he loves me and then get gruff and hand me over to my Mom. I do love them and I tell them so and mean it. They want/need to hear it, but wow, it is such a mess.

I also believe that this isn't the only dimension, or we that we are the only people in it. These are my opinions, and beliefs, I always welcome comments. I don't really want you to believe what I believe. eww! I want everyone to always question their own beliefs. I think God can handle it, and is waiting for us to.  I will talk about more another day..the Bible, Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Buddha, maybe...LOL. Awhh, Jack, really?.. fart, stinky puppy. Thanks for listening.

The song ends with, "am I very far now?(from God)" You feel it, hear it, know it.

and the beat goes on..

I have written, just haven't posted much lately. I have an hour to kill before an appointment. I don't know if that will be enough time, but it is what it is.

I have had some very good times the last couple of days. My hubby is home for 14 some days. Unheard of..LOL. I am loving it. There is some adjustment factor getting used to him being here, but wow! It is so wonderful to have somebody to talk to, hold and yes, that too. My stress level just flips around when he is here. It's such a beautiful day.

I think, while I am basking in my good mood, that it is ok. The new meds I am on make it hard to concentrate on worrying. My mind becomes slippery and those kind of thoughts just seem to slither away. Yey, and whether or not the "good" feelings are drug-induced or not. I have to admit..Yahoo. I love this moment and the next. No if, buts, or then about it. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the lizards are sunning. yeah.

Right now, at this second I am happy to be me. I am unique, individual, and still part of the universe. Being human, I can accept mistakes and downtime's are always going to be part of life's equation. But, I refuse to be a cliche, or a number..my voice, while single is being heard. Doors are opening. I have so many many wonderful things. I wish, I wish that with this blog I am sharing the positive with you. Feeling good and being mellow...content in this flash.

I hear my music and while I can't hear the words it is a happy, happy joy, joy dance. Thanks for all your patience and understanding. Thank you to all my friends. I love my friends...for joy, inspiration, reality checks.  Seeing that while, singular and different, each and everyone of us has a purpose. I can only comment on mine.

Love, peace and harmony..at some point we will all find the right pitch and melody. The symphony is already playing. Music, yes music, art, poetry, dance, mathematics, science, God??.

Mhhmm..for me, yes.

Hoping you all have a happy happy joy joy kind of moment. An instant or even longer where no worries intrude and you find the inner peace of your soul and being. it is called happiness and we all fight and struggle for it, knowing it is another emotion. That it doesn't last forever, but it sure is fun while it is here. Thanks for listening, TTYAL..

Hell, I Don't Know Sh*t

LOL, hope you like the title. I have been having "days". Up, then down..life at its finest. I have more stories to write, observations on things. Have come to some conclusions, then realize that a lot of it is shite. The more you know the more you realize how much you don't and never will.

Everybody is posting on my Facebook about the death of Osama. I really don't care. I am glad that one "evil" dude is dead, I guess. I say "evil" in quotes as I don't believe everything the media says about anybody. My one friend posted, "Satan personified" uh-huh. I am so sad, that people are so happy about the death of anybody. I cried and still cry about the Twin Towers and 9-11, there were 4 planes that day. Osama being dead doesn't bring any of those people back to life. I remember how pissed off  Americans were about Arab people dancing in the streets that day. Now I see the opposite, Americans are dancing their happy joy dance of hate and retribution. The war continues..

I am not a "hippy love" freak either. I know how to shoot a gun. I am actually pretty good at it. There is people who I have hated. A small select few I still do, if they died it wouldn't be a big loss to hardly anybody. Funny, how those are the ones who seem to live the longest, true a-holes. If I had to kill someone to protect my friends and family, I wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger...or use whatever means I had at my disposal. People have died for way more stupid reasons than that. Always will.

I keep going back and forth between the thought that I have almost died so many times. WOW! I am still here..got to be a reason for it. I am trying to think of it as a gift and not a curse. I have my days..LOL.

I still have my goals for the year, expose child abuse/pet abuse. Lose weight/ exercise.. talk openly about drug, sex and alcohol addiction, run-aways, depression, mental illness and health. I had a friend tell me the other day that I have hope, and that is a start. To just keep doing what I am doing. My form of addiction scares the hell out of him. It scares the hell out of me too, even though I am cool with him as just a friend now. I have to laugh, because I really don't know what I am doing most of the time. I just care..and love..and feel. I am what I am, and that changes day-to-day on which part you will see.

I am ending with some quotes, that I hope make you think..what is your next step/level, where do you want to go?


 

"Sometimes I think I understand everything. Then I regain consciousness"

-- Ray Bradbury (I think..not positive)

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless"

"Someone's sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago." - Warren Buffet

My thought with all this is plant a tree, a real one or a seed of kindness and goodwill wherever you can. Show someone you care and mean it. It doesn't really matter what you know..it is how you live.

 

"Your religion is what you do when the sermon is over." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

TTYAL ..have a beautiful sunshine day and thanks for listening.