So what happens when we fall..or fail? I have done so before, I am sure I will do it again. My mind is still not all there yet. I am losing the fight today. Gladly, happily giving in to every base desire, so I can no longer think. Up the meds a bit and say shite to it all. That I know better is whatever. Hell with the consequences, tomorrow is another day. The scripture for this one was "eat, drink and be merry..for tomorrow we shall die." My dad was fond of pointing out the sinners in this one. It always irked me. It is true after all.
The problem with it.. being fat, drunk, and happy doesn't last long together. It would be better to have died right away. This post will piss people off..sorry.
I don't blame my folks for the way I turned out. It would have been nice to have a sweeter story, but all-in-all it has made me who I am. There are people who had it way worse than me. I am still envious of posts of people who miss their folks who have passed on. My parents are alive, and I don't miss them. I do love them, and they me, but I find them very "negative". They usually make me sad. So I do the adult thing, and avoid them..lol.
I was at my thinnest when I partied all the time, mostly pot and alcohol. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's, and went to school. I ate constantly, because I worked it off. I was down to 125-130 lbs. *sigh. and was still heavier than all my friends. I have been overweight all my life. In American culture this puts you in a "leper" class all by yourself. I have watched America eat for 20 odd years..the thinnest people sometimes eat the most garbage you have ever seen and don't exercise at all.. Some heavy people are the same way. Some people work very hard at staying thin for whatever reason, they eat small portions of healthy foods and exercise diligently. Some people were very heavy, and work extra extra hard to keep off the pounds. We were built to withstand famines...so if it is the end of the world, and food gets scarce? Sorry, skinny people..adios.
If you have never been fat, and I say not 10 lbs overweight but minimum 20+ or so for a girl and 30+ or more for a guy..shut the hell up. You don't have an effing clue. Double standards, it was OK to screw a fat chick, but not date one or even admit you had sex.
Tonight, I drank some schnapps, upped my meds, a few other things and am now slightly buzzed and a bit stupid. It doesn't matter today, tomorrow always seem to come. I'll be hung over and tired, as always anyway. Not a big deal..no levels today as I am dredging down in the bottoms. I'll snap out of it in a day or two. My apologies.
I am also not suicidal ..my one and only true attempt was at Utah Tech, I took a whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol, almost 500 pills (took forever)..I got very dizzy and passed out a lot. My one friend made me promise to never try to kill myself again. That he would never ever "forgive" me. Thanks Neil Jones, wherever you are? It has been almost 29 years now. Miss you, my friend, always, even though I think of "offing" myself daily at least once, usually as a joke. The consequences, never saw a doc, only 2 people ever knew and my old roomie was pissed that her brand-new bottle of Tylenol was missing.
I have done stupid things, not caring whether I lived or died. I also did other things that took a bit of my soul and and returned it stained and damaged. My problem(?) with this now is I haven't found anyone to replace me yet. For my kids, my hubby..it has to be a true accident. Death is easy for the dead, it is hard on the living.
It balances out sometimes. Today is another day. The sun is shining, my hubby is home. I have errands to run and the agony/ecstasy part of my life will be on hold till later tonight. I will wear something sleazy for my hubby today..which is fun. I'll make dinner, cut hair, do chores..and wish for things I can never have and will never be. I'll try to prevent things from going down paths that I know are wrong. God doesn't give me the answers to this...or if he is I am not listening right.
TTYAL..thanks for listening. Thanks to all my special friends out there who I talk to...you have no idea how much each and everyone of you means to me.
The problem with it.. being fat, drunk, and happy doesn't last long together. It would be better to have died right away. This post will piss people off..sorry.
I don't blame my folks for the way I turned out. It would have been nice to have a sweeter story, but all-in-all it has made me who I am. There are people who had it way worse than me. I am still envious of posts of people who miss their folks who have passed on. My parents are alive, and I don't miss them. I do love them, and they me, but I find them very "negative". They usually make me sad. So I do the adult thing, and avoid them..lol.
I was at my thinnest when I partied all the time, mostly pot and alcohol. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's, and went to school. I ate constantly, because I worked it off. I was down to 125-130 lbs. *sigh. and was still heavier than all my friends. I have been overweight all my life. In American culture this puts you in a "leper" class all by yourself. I have watched America eat for 20 odd years..the thinnest people sometimes eat the most garbage you have ever seen and don't exercise at all.. Some heavy people are the same way. Some people work very hard at staying thin for whatever reason, they eat small portions of healthy foods and exercise diligently. Some people were very heavy, and work extra extra hard to keep off the pounds. We were built to withstand famines...so if it is the end of the world, and food gets scarce? Sorry, skinny people..adios.
If you have never been fat, and I say not 10 lbs overweight but minimum 20+ or so for a girl and 30+ or more for a guy..shut the hell up. You don't have an effing clue. Double standards, it was OK to screw a fat chick, but not date one or even admit you had sex.
Tonight, I drank some schnapps, upped my meds, a few other things and am now slightly buzzed and a bit stupid. It doesn't matter today, tomorrow always seem to come. I'll be hung over and tired, as always anyway. Not a big deal..no levels today as I am dredging down in the bottoms. I'll snap out of it in a day or two. My apologies.
I am also not suicidal ..my one and only true attempt was at Utah Tech, I took a whole bottle of extra strength Tylenol, almost 500 pills (took forever)..I got very dizzy and passed out a lot. My one friend made me promise to never try to kill myself again. That he would never ever "forgive" me. Thanks Neil Jones, wherever you are? It has been almost 29 years now. Miss you, my friend, always, even though I think of "offing" myself daily at least once, usually as a joke. The consequences, never saw a doc, only 2 people ever knew and my old roomie was pissed that her brand-new bottle of Tylenol was missing.
I have done stupid things, not caring whether I lived or died. I also did other things that took a bit of my soul and and returned it stained and damaged. My problem(?) with this now is I haven't found anyone to replace me yet. For my kids, my hubby..it has to be a true accident. Death is easy for the dead, it is hard on the living.
It balances out sometimes. Today is another day. The sun is shining, my hubby is home. I have errands to run and the agony/ecstasy part of my life will be on hold till later tonight. I will wear something sleazy for my hubby today..which is fun. I'll make dinner, cut hair, do chores..and wish for things I can never have and will never be. I'll try to prevent things from going down paths that I know are wrong. God doesn't give me the answers to this...or if he is I am not listening right.
TTYAL..thanks for listening. Thanks to all my special friends out there who I talk to...you have no idea how much each and everyone of you means to me.
