Sunday, today..

Sunday, the day of rest?

I am laughing as it really isn't, not for me and not for a lot of folks. I used to work it, for years and years. Now, being unemployed, I find that housework, cooking, children/puppies, facebooking, napping, laundry, take up a lot of time. The bonus with Sundays is I get lower electric rates all day and most places are closed. No making doctor appointments or going to the bank, post office or library. I also try to avoid shopping or eating out on week-ends. Not only because rates are higher at say movie theaters, but to avoid crowds,too. I really dislike masses of people and traffic.

No, I don't go to church. Not on Sundays or any other day. I don't belong to a church. I honor God, every day by how I act. Some moments I am good, others, no. I do not expect perfection, would be terrified to achieve it. That is a very scary thought. LOL, I just try to be better. Better than I was yesterday, more patient with my kids, a bit more motivated with my chores. Bringing some smiles, prayers or comfort to my friends. Raising the bar of how I think about things. I have been slacking.

It isn't a sin, but I have been reacting instead of living with a purpose. I have been letting my emotions, past issues, present troubles, and mental turmoil push me around. I can't say that this won't be an issue again. Today, no. Enough already. Good Grief!

I would have liked more fun today. Oh well, I really am glad my kids go to school tomorrow, all day. Funny, I will miss them too, until they get home. I feel bad that my hubby is so far away and working so hard. This isn't my fault or his, it wasn't what we were promised moving out here. Now we are moving again for a better solution for us all. I am keeping my fingers crossed..and that is a prayer I include for myself.

I would really like to feel better, physically. I am having another hot flash..ugh. I am already one step closer to my New Year's resolutions. I quit smoking and I am trying to change the world, starting with myself. It is what I have. My obsessions haven't died. I still feel the pull of my addictions. My stalkee that I had blocked is still a part of my computer family. I feel a mess of emotions about that. Logically, it is one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I wish I could walk away from it forever. I am hoping maybe I can, but then again maybe that isn't what I am supposed to be doing. When I pray about this all I feel is incredible sadness.

My friend I talk to daily, has had so much patience and goodwill. My hubby, who I also talk to daily, has done his best to accommodate anything I might need. One way or another. There are many reasons I love him and have stayed with him so long. We have more challenges facing us. One step at a time.

I am really tired now, which isn't surprising. It has been a long day. G'night or G'morning to you all wherever you may be. Thanks for listening. TTYAL.


the video is the wrong one, but can't figure out yet how to remove it..LOL That's Jack, the puppy.

"I hope I never get everything I want, life is boring without having desire and anticipation. But I hope someday I realize I have everything I need, life is sad without feeling content and appreciation." Patrick Bagdon

WARNING : Wishes Do Come True

It came as a slap in the face today. Most everything I have whined, moaned or wished about has come true in these past couple of weeks. My hubby is at home, kind of working and kind of not. I have someone else doing all my chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, puppy care..etc. I also have a way, means, and stamp of approval to get as high as I want, as much as I want for a few weeks. I am being encouraged to sit on my butt and play with fb or whatever. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want. I have continued to quit smoking. I also have 2 other adults in my house who help with child-teen behavior.

OK, wow! The fact that I had major surgery, can't drive and do any of those things I used to complain about. hmmm..I am severely limited on my pain meds right now. Um, and now my incision is giving me more grief..ouch. Go figure. I am kind of laughing here. I love both my hubby and my mom-in-law. In very different and unique ways, and whew! Let us just say it has been a bit difficult adjusting to them being here. They both smoke, my girlfriend did too. It has been very lip-biting crabbiness not joining them in what used to be my favorite past time. It helps or doesn't that it is so hot out. My kids are brats, which I knew already. To see that idea mirrored and reinforced. *sigh.

So dreams do come true, wishes can be answered, prayers granted..and it isn't what I wanted. This is not the fantasy life I had imagined. I feel like boo-hooing a bit and stamping my feet and doing a little temper dance. Ok, I'll admit it. I already did. I am a brat, also.

My mind is a hot mess right now. I couldn't even begin to start with what I am thinking, or feeling, up is down, left is right and my universe is not upside down, but tilted and someone or others have been traipsing around doing their own little dance or clean up inside my head. That I go looking for these different thoughts and experiences really isn't the point. I am trying to process it all and somehow, I have been coming up short. Maybe that is the drugs..

If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems.

With that thought I do smile, and am going to steal another piece of homemade Rice Krispie treats, maybe. I have thank you notes to write to my many wonderful neighbors tomorrow and things and events to plan for. I know going out for a smoke won't solve anything or make me feel better. I know food or drugs won't take away any of my anguish inside..it just spits it out in a different form. I am learning, slowly. Listening for my music that helps guide me.

I will still pray, and wish and dream..and try to complain less.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. with love.

Am I very far now?

Hi, it's me..I don't know how long this video will play or if it will at all. It's Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla..the song asks, "tell me all your thoughts on God. 'cause I'd really like to meet him/her..

Love this song, always have. It has been going through my head for a day and a half now since a friend posted it. My thoughts on God..hmm. I have already irked a lot of God or church people with my beliefs. I respect theirs, they think I am missing something or feel like I am lacking. At first, I was really wondering if I was..LOL. See my post WTH.

Most God and religion talk creep me out. Some actually makes me nauseous and some of it makes me madder than hell. For example, there was a post that this lady put up a while back how a real shepherd breaks the legs of a wandering sheep and carries it back to the fold and cares for it, lovingly and tenderly until it heals. She then compared this to Christ and his being our true shepherd and how... OH HELL, NO, I thought I was going to upchuck. Lady, you really really scare me. Plus, I had visions of Stephen King's book/movie "Misery".

I am not a "sheeple." There is enough people, masses out their with blind devotion to their faith, whatever it may be. This is how rulers ruled for many years, religious or otherwise. The God was King and vice-versa. It is also how 'cults' operate, how fanatic's are born and  what motivates suicide bombers/terrorists...Holy Wars, The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Holocaust, the mass murder of a whole lot of "brown" people, Bosnia, Serbia, the decimation of the American Indian, the colonization of too many people to list, Jonestown...the list goes on and on and on. Fear, terror, pain, guilt, suffering, disobedience..death to the heretic and all that crap.

There's another bible quote, "spare the rod, spoil the child" people have been using this as an excuse to beat the crap out of each generation, and the next one and the next for their own "spiritual" enlightenment, ever since this version was published. I am quoting from someone else, don't know who, but the original Hebrew meaning of the word "rod" was about learning/wisdom/teaching. Books were written on papryus or hides and rolled on "rods". So by sparing the rod, meant you weren't teaching your kids. Huh, right? True too, how else are they going to learn?

I have talked about praying before. I pray all the time, sometimes with specific names and questions..sometimes just complaining, sometimes for the whole world or at other times for a stubbed toe. My God is always with me, always has been, always will be. I find this incredibly comforting. I, also didn't realize that for a very long time. I didn't always listen either, knowing and regretted it. Other times, I blinded myself with self-hate, loathing, fear, guilt, anger and unleashed it on people and myself. I still struggle with this, my kids, my hubby, certain friends have seen me lose it. I have a nasty temper at times. A saint I so am not.

Having endured hours of forced kneelings and seeing others in pain because of it, prayers said aloud that were personal condemnations, being told to go pray as a punishment. I find the concept "on my knees" umm, ugh. I'd rather laugh at the sexual innuendo's. LOL, sorry if you find that shocking or disrespectful, Who the hell do you think designed our bodies and made sex pleasurable? OMG! indeed. My prayers are for me, and I share my prayers sometimes with others, for others..I don't always ask the right questions and know at times that I don't or can't see the whole picture.

I believe in Evil, big and little as I have seen my own personal version of it. Done my own contribution to this, I have lied, cheated, stole, killed, maimed, sometimes intentionally. Some of my current struggles are from the "hell's" of my past, some I had no control over, and some I did or had done. I have read about, lol, of course..big and little evil's in the world...past and present. I still find it appalling that American's are the only country to have dropped live "nukes' on two cities. I think so many people didn't know what it meant, I am hoping. For those who yell "nuke 'em" now..are morons. Educate yourself.. Hiroshima, look at the pictures, read the stories and the tales of the survivors..and the generational permanent genetic damage.

Awwh, hell I am getting "preachy". Hate that. My God and my beliefs have made me the person I am today and it is an on-going process. I see God everywhere, in Nature and people, and animals. I also find it a positive and up-lifting experience. When I say, God help me, he does..to get through unbelievable pain...mental, emotional and physical. He also sings with humor, joy, beauty and laughter..my kid's laughter, a warm puppy on my lap, my husband's embrace, a friend's hello.

My God has a sense of humor..I think the Devil does too, but opposite. The kind of humor that is only funny because it hurts someone else. I think you know what I am talking about.

Will I call my own Dad tomorrow for Father's Day? *sigh, I don't know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. He tries very hard to keep any of the religious stuff out of the conversation. Otherwise, I'll say bye and hang up. He makes lame jokes which I laugh at, think Reader's Digest version. He will tell me about his medical problems, and my sister or brother's and their kids, maybe. He will get all choked up and tell me, he loves me and then get gruff and hand me over to my Mom. I do love them and I tell them so and mean it. They want/need to hear it, but wow, it is such a mess.

I also believe that this isn't the only dimension, or we that we are the only people in it. These are my opinions, and beliefs, I always welcome comments. I don't really want you to believe what I believe. eww! I want everyone to always question their own beliefs. I think God can handle it, and is waiting for us to.  I will talk about more another day..the Bible, Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Buddha, maybe...LOL. Awhh, Jack, really?.. fart, stinky puppy. Thanks for listening.

The song ends with, "am I very far now?(from God)" You feel it, hear it, know it.

Next Level-Next Step.

I am not sure how coherent I will be today, my mind is a messy jumble of I don't knows, what ifs and how abouts. It was a glorious two weeks with my hubby home. He left yesterday to go back to work. I know he will only be gone 4 days this time. Awhh, crap..I miss him. Both my kids and Jack, the black puppy miss him too. Some of this is his effect on me, he gives me a very necessary balance. My daughter sighed, "Dad's leaving? That means you will get mean, bossy, and sad." I told her I have been working on it...that is what my therapy is for. She informed me that I am doing better but, need to "up" my sessions. Thanks, Renee, I am laughing here. She keeps it real.

Jack is doing good. He still is a troublemaker, as always, but he manages to be so cute about it. He just brought his water bowl from outside. It was empty, as was the one inside as well. I refilled both, and he took a small drink, gave me a sniff and has laid back down again. If reincarnation is true, I really want to come back as a dog or a cat, with nice owners. I think their life would be so blissful and easier. I tortured Jack last night with a bath. He is so soft and smelling sweet. He is NOT going to be happy with his flea preventative, today. He is smart and runs away every time he sees it.


That Jack heals old wounds for me doesn't phase him at all. He's a dog, he lives and loves. I do wish he was a bit more of a mutt, I think that would have made him a bit less high-strung. My kids love, curse, play and ignore him. He can get mean and crazy. Renee has accused me of stealing him from her. Yeah, in a way she's right. They go hide and play their e-games and I was left to "deal" with him. I am his favorite, except.. Mark the hubby plays with him the best, they play their version of fetch and a few other games. Jack kisses up to him quite a bit. My girlfriend who will be coming to visit next weekend shamelessly spoils him by sneaking him food. He follows her everywhere. What a traitor. Yes, both of them.

I saw my GP today. Whew! The good news is my blood pressure is up in normal levels, again and my anemia has improved by 10 points. He gave me a referral to an OB/GYN surgeon and a script for physical therapy. I cancelled my heart appointment follow-up as they had already told me they hadn't found anything. SO?? I'll try the pt for my neck and shoulder. Maybe I'll try a chiropractor instead if it doesn't help. I am going to wait and see how my period goes. Other than that I am done being a medical guinea pig for awhile or a Zebra.

It is back to what works and doesn't. Cleaning up my diet again and adding more exercise is the first step. The second is to watch my stress levels. Third is my caffeine intake and monitoring my medicines and vitamins. Last is starting a quit smoking program. I'd like to try hypnosis again, but actually do it on a personal basis. Yeah, I know you have heard this song-and -dance before. I have finally accepted that a lot of my physical ailments stem from my mental dilemma's. Feeling good requires work and planning, at least for me. I have been here before and accomplished my goals.

Therapy, hmm.. i face a lot of challenges there. I am laughing though, today.. as having addictive personality disorder( that's my new term) I broke so many of the chemical dependencies so many years ago. My latest yearning for drugs and alcohol? I can say I'd rather not drink, then that I don't drink at all. This is probably not the way you are supposed to do it. But, for me ..when I give myself the choice I can honestly say, no thanks. When I try to force the iron band of no, my mind rebels and thinks of ways to prove that I should or could or how..makes no sense?? LOL, uh-huh. trust me, this is not the answer for anyone except maybe me.

I have lots to do and my first step is to charge my soul batteries, kiss my kid's, sneak up on my puppy with his  no-flea gunk and take a nap. TTYAL Thanks for listening , will write/vent sooner next time.

To my friend LKY, OMG! Prayers and love honey if you read this, I am very worried about you. Special prayers for Abby and Addison, two ICU babies fighting for their lives. All my other friends, you know who you are..keep going. You are all so amazing.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love.--"Mother Teresa

 "The fear you have about being insignificant is a deception. As long as you have the courage to act, you will matter."

You all matter..somewhere, somehow, to somebody, and yourselves.

drift away..

I am so crabby today. and irritable..no real reason for it. PMS maybe, stupid hormones. My skin is crawly, feel bloated, ugly and mean. Some parts just ache, my shoulder, my hip, my teeth, my hand, my feet..pins-and -needles. An effin headache that comes and goes, and a loopy digestive system. I am tired now, but not sleepy and my energy levels are on the fritz. Hot then cold, bored but lazy. I am also dying of thirst and nothing is quenching it. Have I whined enough yet? LOL..I CAN still laugh at myself..about the only bonus.

I have friends and family with real physical ailments, who are battling cancer, or the daily struggle of RA, Lupus, Diabetes and quite a few ugly things. Usually where the treatments are (almost) worse than the disease. There is no cures.

I have friends and family who also are afflicted with depression, PTS(post-traumatic syndrome), bi-polar, alcoholism, and addiction..plus a few other things. There is treatment and help available..the hardest part of this is not my own struggle but watching others losing the battle and not even realizing it. I feel that pain, and empathize with others that have the same sense of horror and loss. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how much you want to.

My hubby leaves tomorrow, my kids have 5 days of school left, my puppy stinks. Lol, just the facts ma'am. It is raining in the desert tonight, it has been months. It smells and feels wonderful.

I have a very good life and I am grateful for it, I have been blessed in so many ways. I am just not happy with the face I see in the mirror today. I am having an "off day?" I have a friend I blocked today, I find a lot of his posts amusing or good, but his negativity towards woman..ugh. Woman are sex objects to him. I finally reached a limit. Fat, ugly woman..? What a schmuck.

I have another friend who I may permanently block..I don't like him and that bothers me. He's negative and mean, and mentally handicapped. I don't have the patience. I admire the ones that do.

I'll be okay, just needed to vent a bit I guess. I apologize for the negativity. I can't even discuss levels today, I am looking for release and peace. Tomorrow will be another day. The title is from a song from Uncle Cracker.. Drift Away. I own no rights to this song. Thanks for listening and TTYAL, going to drift away into slumber land, I hope.