Yawn!

I am sitting with a warm puppy on my lap. I am full, been eating on and off all day. Whew! I will need to get up eventually to either go to the bathroom or something. LOL. For now, though it is good. I can hear my kids video upstairs, but not too loudly. I am emotionally calm for the first time in days. It feels really really good. I slept most of the day away, didn't really do much of anything.

I am not feeling guilty about this. Okay, the eating part a bit. I need to get some controls in place. By not smoking, I tend to be hungrier. As for the rest of it, my feelings? I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long now. When I plateau, it is really amazing. I can look back and realize how out-of -control I have been. I know this level won't last forever either. I will be back at something else that turns me around, or inside out.

Why? Good question, I guess because this is the way I have always been. I am starting to figure out the why's of some things. I am also realizing that there is a whole lot of stuff that I will never figure out. Either about myself or others, and for now..that is okay too. This will be back to bother me. Not today, though. I have gone through enough turmoil, I welcome this respite.

Calm, deep breathing, the eye of the storm? LOL, perhaps.

I have seen tornado's in real life, though not big one's up close. I have seen the damage Mother Nature can do and have always been impressed and humbled. I am glad I have never been in an actual hurricane. I am grateful I have food, shelter, and love. I have family and friends. I am not wishing today, just expressing gratitude, I guess. Wow!

I am tired again, my anemia? Probably, but I love sleep. There is much worse things than feeling tired or discouraged. I will still be here for now. Thanks for listening as always. I find it incredible that people actually read this. I hope it helps someone else. I don't always have the mental stability I'd like to achieve, but one step at a time.

I really wonder what puppies dream about? Jack makes such cute noises in his sleep..Have a great night or day wherever you are.

Yawn, stretch, TTYAL.

Ten Reasons to Quit Smoking.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

3:12 PM

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)


2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.


3. Breathe


4. Feel better


5. Smell better


6. Have control


7. Stay alive longer


8. Make me happy to succeed.


9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy


10. I said I would, somehow.

:-) My list..everyone's is different.

Is It Break Time Yet?

They changed the interface on blogger. I am not sure if I like it yet. As with most things new, it takes me some adjustment time. I am having difficulties with not smoking today. I miss it. I spent/wasted a lot of time and money smoking for so many years. Wow! I think about it, and then I am okay, again. I am getting used to the new me. I am happy I can breathe. I haven't coughed up any nastiness in so long. Eww! I know, these are my happy thoughts.

I don't know why, I keep having this old adage running through my head. "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." There is more to it and it applies to wedding's. Specifically, what the bride is supposed to carry or wear. I found this:

"Something old represents continuity; something new offers optimism for the future; something borrowed symbolizes borrowed happiness; something blue stands for purity, love, and fidelity; and a sixpence in your shoe is a wish for good fortune and prosperity, although this remains largely a British custom." 

I like this, more than just how it applies to weddings. Every day is a new one, but we carry all of our old baggage with it. Instead of lugging it around, I think just a thread of continuity is easier. Just keeping what we need. Something new, looking forward to what may be ahead. Something borrowed. Hmm.. for me, this means that you have friends and family. Borrowing something means somebody trusted you enough to loan you something. It also means you are worthy enough to return it. Something blue.

My birthstone is light blue. My wedding ring isn't a diamond but a large aquamarine for March. It is gorgeous. I didn't know what the blue stood for in this tradition. Wow! The fact that my daughter is/was born in March also was always just another bonus. Sadly, neither me or my hubby wear our rings. He got shocked at work one too many times. I am actually allergic or sensitive to gold. It makes me itch, and will give me a rash eventually. Not just from my wedding ring, but other gold jewelry I have, earrings too. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. Never did, so this really doesn't phase me much. I used to wear my wedding ring and earrings to work. I got more compliments on my $2.50 earrings I found on clearance than any of my "real " stones. LOL

Good fortune and prosperity would be nice. Really. I'd give it a shot.

My digestive system is being 'balky" again. This makes me feel like crap, nauseated and dizzy. My one friend laughed, she's a nurse.. you are full of shit. Yep, small intestinal blockage, have been here too many times. Ugh, it hurts. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this too shall pass. LOLOL(sorry). I don't know why I should be embarrassed by this. Another friend commented , glad you're poopin. I wish I still was. It is so annoying and frustrating.

I had fun on Facebook today, had fun with my kids, had a wonderful time with my hubby. The dog kind of drove me nuts, and my therapist. *I don't know. I think I have to up the power or something. I am not getting what I need from it at this point.I have been debating a lot of different options, need to do some action soon. For now, I am going to nap. I may go take a swim later. This is where having my hubby home is such a relief. I can trust him to keep them okay while I space out for a bit.

When I was a workaholic and that has been at every job. Everybody would laugh. I loved break time. I told people I came to work just so I could take a break. I loved it. We would smoke and eat and chit-chat. I found out a lot of good/bad things from people on break. I told a friend I can be shy. Yep, still can, even after all these years. It depends on the context of where and why. With me it doesn't last very long, my inherent sort of rebellious nature asserts itself eventually. I am a smart-ass, can't help it.

But at first, scary..

I need to step out, get a move on it and meet peeps. My level, just smiling at retail workers and leaving nice tips isn't cutting it anymore. I also need to get help for my girl and the boy too..might as well include the hubby and the dog. The therapist had a point. I have been here starting my 3rd year and have only put up one picture. I suppose it is about time I moved in and on.

Thanks for listening as always, ttyl.

"Is your problem really your problem, or is your attitude toward your problem the real problem?"

Hmm..yep, something to think about.

I am barely breathing...

I have missed you all. I am still smoke-free, it has been two weeks now. I am totally and completely exhausted. Non-smoking is supposes to give you energy and better breathing capability. LOL, I guess I read the memo wrong. I am beat...and have been having a harder time breathing. It feels like a weight on my chest for the most part. I do smell better in two ways. The smoke isn't in my clothes, hair, mouth. I also,  hmm..can smell other odors stronger and faster. But wowza! I am sooo tired.

I saw my surgeon and my hernia surgery is scheduled for next week. *sigh* This is operation #3, and it is going to be a mess. They don't know how much of the mesh has adhered to my bowels at this point. So, I may have a lot of bowel removed or none. I have given up so far on all my other symptoms. I am "normal"..yeah, right. The doctors can't figure it out and neither can I. I can't afford any more tests or specialists. No more Zebra's.

Do you understand why I haven't written? LOL, sorry. I have been very depressed again. Each and every day has been a battle to get up and get showered, dressed and do anything. I have been in a black pit and know it is stupid. There is nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself. Knowing it, and what?? Slipping around and around in the muck of it and giving up..on the inside.

Is this just an addict thing? Shite!

I gave up smoking for a whole lot of reasons..one is so this damn surgery actually works. I also realize that once again I am out of a job/occupation. I have tried to deny this for years. I can't go back to waitressing, ever, or retail, or factory, or UPS. I have always had somewhat brutally physical jobs. There was good and bad things associated with each one. Now, hmmm...my body can't seem to take anything.

I feel useless.

Not that I am not needed. LOL.. I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, kids to ignore,(LOL) cooking, cleaning, shopping, the whole mom, wife, and pet-owner thing. Plus, I get guilt-trips too. I can spend so much, and not save anything at all and I am so not bringing any money in. Shazbot!

Whew! My hubby comes home Thursday, weird. My girlfriend is coming Monday, and the kids go back to school. My surgery is Wednesday.

Facebook has helped. I have friends I have talked to. My kids? Not so much, I am so frustrated today with them and the dog. I am...I am not even sure what the hell I am.

I have had another nap since writing all this. It does make a difference. I crave the smokes and don't. I want to get wasted, but don't. I have other addictions, fantasies that I am ignoring. I'd like to go eat a whole box of Dunkin Donuts, or hmm.. I really want to wallow and be crabby, this I do do a bit. LOL, sorry kids and hubby. Jack, the puppy doesn't take this personally. The kids?? It is still a 100 degrees outside, Max went to the mailbox for me and almost passed out. Renee has not been anywhere all day and refuses to do anything but sit in A/C and work on her computer art.

I am going to be okay. I know this isn't the way it is going to end for me. The only way it would is if I let my own stupidity get in the way of myself. Which is? Hello, Laura..mmhmm.. I am listening, Lord. I will knock this off and pay better attention to what is going on. My friend likes to say one day, one step at a time. For me today and for the last week, it has been a struggle of epic proportions that shouldn't have even made me blink. Hah! I have won this round so far.

For you, my readers..does any of this make sense to you? Not only that I am human, but so human and flawed at times? I think everyone has their struggles to stay sane and active and not let the darkness win. I may be the exception in that I write about it, and admit it. Or that it happens so often? *sigh. Thanks for listening as always. I need to remember that this is one of my strengths. It helps make me stronger to write it out. I feel better now than I have all day. I have coupons and groceries to get to..and more straws to buy.
Smoke-free and learning my "new" normal. Thanks.

don't forget to breathe..

"It is just another day..another day in paradise?" not quite. It isn't complete hell either. I just really am not excited about Sundays. Never ever liked them as a kid.  I worked most of them as an adult. Now, they just seem like a big, pointless nap day where stores close at weird hours and you have to watch what roads you take at what hours. You don't want to get stuck behind the "faithful" all leaving at the same time. When school starts for my kids, it is the night "BEFORE". Their stuff has to be ready for the next day.

I have quit smoking?  I HAVE QUIT SMOKING! It has been since last Tuesday. Yes, I did have a personal session with a hypnotherapist. This has not been a magical cure, more of an exercise of despair. Mornings are very hard, I can't seem to wake-up yet. Shazbot! I have different breathing techniques and I chew on a lot of straws. I also have a list of my top ten reasons to quit smoking. For anyone who knows me or has known me.. I have been at the minimum a 2 pack a day smoker since I was 13. My kids are very excited and helpful with this. You got to love them. They also have a visualization exercise they do with me. I suppose I will get over feeling so dizzy and tired. I hope soon.

I also hope to get the results of my blood work and pee test back this week. I want to just schedule the hernia surgery as soon as possible and get it over with. I am so tired of the back and forth. Hurry up and wait and all the lovely bills that have been arriving. Aaarrgh. If these last medical tests haven't shined some light on my "medical mystery Zebra status" I am done. I can't afford to invest any more money, time, or effort. It will be just time to deal with what is.

Abby update..I guess she is home and doing very well with her feeding tube. I have since heard she is a little over 2 months old and originally had less than a 25% chance of living when she was born. Go baby girl, my heart just smiles thinking of her.

Okay, I know I haven't written much, but I am exhausted. It has been a very rough week for me in more ways than one.
MY TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A NON-SMOKER:

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)
2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.
3. Breathe
4. Feel better
5. Smell better
6. Have control
7. Stay alive longer
8. Make me happy to succeed.
9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy
10. I said I would, somehow.

I did cheat this morning and had a drag from an e-cigarette. It isn't the end of the world but back to pretzels and straws. Good luck and TTYAL..got to go.

I'll get some energy soon and write some more..yawn! love ya!