too tired to worry about anything

I started writing a blog tonight..wasn't the right topic. My mind kept wandering off it. I thought of a couple more ideas, then got kids off to bed and talked to a few friends on FB. Some more interesting then others...but all good. I managed to get a few things done today too. I love having my hubby home. I still Face Book way too much. Helped another friend today and had a couple friends help me, besides having a few laughs.

Japan..it is on so many people's minds. It hurts me, I can't watch the footage. Mother Nature wreaks her havoc. So much destruction, pain and suffering that I can't do a d**n thing about. I pray for them all, it is a sad pit in my stomach. The end-of-the-world people are all posting God posts, global financial ruin, and now are talking about nuclear meltdowns. I am...

I am here now..today, tonight. If I am not tomorrow I hope it is quick for all of us. If we end up stuck in a nightmarish world of radioactive poisoning and death? I will fight tooth-and-nail to survive for me and my family. I have read a lot of science fiction. The Beach, The Road, Lucifer's Hammer..I love watching survival movies, though they are usually pretty hokey.

Sadly, my daily life has not really changed at all because of Japan's tragedy, yet. Except for adding them in my prayers, it is routine. Taking care of the dog, cooking, cleaning..my kids are on Spring break. I am so glad my husband is home to act as a buffer. Otherwise, they tend to drive me crazy. LOL

I feel out of it today, I hate taking the meds I am on. I picked up refills from the pharmacy this afternoon. Not even realizing I am out of my anti-depressant for tomorrow. Crap! I swore I had more, did I double-dose unintentionally. Or am I just tired and worried about all the stuff I obsess on in my brain? Going to go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day.

The next level, I challenged a friend to do some physical work and to also do a good deed for somebody in need. I took soup over to my neighbor, sweetest lady ever. She has gone through way too much personal tragedy these past couple of years. I also walked the dog. I really don't feel good so I am not pushing it.

TTYAL..good night all. Hope you are all here for the next day.;-) Sorry this blog today is so mundane.

good night world..

Tonight, I can't really write for too long as I do need some sleep. I had a beautiful day today, one of those days where you want to treasure the moments and just bottle them up. I had a date with my husband..it was sweet and and so past overdue.

I got a really good nap that made me feel great, erased all those achy pains I had from the morning. My husband made dinner. Jack the puppy wasn't as nutty as usual. I got to Face book. My son actually made a small dent in his closet-cleaning mess. I figured out that someone who unfriended me hadn't done it on purpose. FB gets so messed up.

The best news was finding out that my girlfriend is coming for a visit and then the week-end after my brother is coming too. YES!

I still lost all of my pics and all of my notes from when my lap-top crashed. I have recovered everything else. It did teach me the importance of backing things up. If I had also been more patient..lol. No, still like to "fix" things. I have enough knowledge to be dangerous at times.

Every day is another step towards retaining my mental health and working on controlling my obsessions. I have described the depressions, and the urge for oblivion through whatever means. I also have to be careful of the "highs" where I feel I am invincible and can do no wrong. These are harder to describe, as this is what we tend to aim for. This is where my "god" fear comes in..it is easy to fall into that feeling of being swept up in glory. A massive holy ego-trip..lol. Yep, been there a few times...with witnesses and followers.

I do have plans and dreams, one step at a time..deciding which receives priority. Rebuilding myself this time with truth, hope and will. It does help to have guides or mentors this time. Slowly learning that I can only ask so much of them, that the process is up to me.

I am ending with a scripture that has been bugging me..King James version I John 4:

 ¹⁸There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
 
Learning how to love without fear?
 
The next level...
 
 ²⁰If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?
 ²¹And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.

We are all on the same big ball circling the same sun...Peace? Goodwill? Embracing our differences...in ourselves and in others..the thought makes me smile. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

I am so sick and tired...of being sick and...

Today I feel like crap. God, I am so sick and tired of being so sick and tired. LOL. I have the flu, or the remnants of it anyway.

 Getting my hubby back off to UT isn't complicated. I love him one final time, feed him an egg-cheese-and-sausage sandwich. Then, make a pile of food he needs to take with him, his bread, cheese, condiments and the left-over ribs with a bottle of bbq sauce. Then, it is just small reminders.."yes, dear.. all clean jeans are in the laundry room, just grab clean underwear and socks from your drawer" etc. He does the same thing, in his own way. "Yes, honey..I'll mail those bills tomorrow and cash the expense check, ok."Timing isn't essentially critical when you have a 10-12 hour drive ahead of you..Though, it is not altogether safe to drive at night where he is headed. He whacked 2 deers last year. I affectionately call him the "slayer".

We both avoid emotion, it is just routine and polite..we have done this too many times. Neither of us wants him to go, and there is no choice, bills need to be paid. We have shared these past few days, now it is time to shut that part down and get back to "normal" mode without him. I am barely able to function today though. WTH! Normally I go into a bit of a slide, funk, depression, mood...on the days he leaves. The kids do too. Today? I am ill, headache, nausea, diarrhea, chest pain, breathing problems, sore throat, achiness, general malaise and apathy. But all of the above is gradual, and not severe..some of which are a "normal" part of my life. It takes me all day, even after a nap..to remember I still have the flu.

I don't think this is "fair"..it is just  'not right'. I have so many other "issues" (left turn here, every time I say that word, I do want to laugh..box of tissues anyone?) Getting a virus on top of it all..LOLOL..I am cursed, bogeyed, jinxed, hexed, or receiving my bad karma waves back 3-fold. Ouch! I also have medicine head, very fuzzy and can't think straight.

My medical history reads like a map from hell..other's have or have had it 10 to 100 times worse, so I try not to have a pity party for myself. Besides, after an intial "Oh, hope you feel better soon" and "so glad it isn't happening to me (internal thought)" it gets boring and tiresome to hear and talk about...or even think about.

I have to make an appointment to see a heart specialist next week. I was supposed to do it the week before or was it the week before that? I don't want to. Not for the normal reasons, I am not really afraid of a fatal diagnosis. That would be too easy. I am more worried that they won't find anything, all tests will be "a-ok, with-in normal parameters." I used to get furious and upset when they said my medical symptoms were all in my head. Now, uh-huh..has a lot to do with it. But, I have said this before..are you really a hypochondriac, if there is actually something wrong with you? The doctors have been wrong so many times before..*sigh.

The next level? Healthcare in the US sucks or is the best in the world. It depends on who you are and how much you make..the middle class pay the highest percentage for the smallest reward. The lowest income get care, some beyond excellent.  The majority of it.. day-to-day care is institutionalized, beaucratic, and de-personalized. You don't want to be a zebra.

To flu or not to flu..sorry, apologize for that one..I am getting tired. Have a good night/day and stay well my friends. TTYAL.