Yawn!

I am sitting with a warm puppy on my lap. I am full, been eating on and off all day. Whew! I will need to get up eventually to either go to the bathroom or something. LOL. For now, though it is good. I can hear my kids video upstairs, but not too loudly. I am emotionally calm for the first time in days. It feels really really good. I slept most of the day away, didn't really do much of anything.

I am not feeling guilty about this. Okay, the eating part a bit. I need to get some controls in place. By not smoking, I tend to be hungrier. As for the rest of it, my feelings? I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long now. When I plateau, it is really amazing. I can look back and realize how out-of -control I have been. I know this level won't last forever either. I will be back at something else that turns me around, or inside out.

Why? Good question, I guess because this is the way I have always been. I am starting to figure out the why's of some things. I am also realizing that there is a whole lot of stuff that I will never figure out. Either about myself or others, and for now..that is okay too. This will be back to bother me. Not today, though. I have gone through enough turmoil, I welcome this respite.

Calm, deep breathing, the eye of the storm? LOL, perhaps.

I have seen tornado's in real life, though not big one's up close. I have seen the damage Mother Nature can do and have always been impressed and humbled. I am glad I have never been in an actual hurricane. I am grateful I have food, shelter, and love. I have family and friends. I am not wishing today, just expressing gratitude, I guess. Wow!

I am tired again, my anemia? Probably, but I love sleep. There is much worse things than feeling tired or discouraged. I will still be here for now. Thanks for listening as always. I find it incredible that people actually read this. I hope it helps someone else. I don't always have the mental stability I'd like to achieve, but one step at a time.

I really wonder what puppies dream about? Jack makes such cute noises in his sleep..Have a great night or day wherever you are.

Yawn, stretch, TTYAL.

Ten Reasons to Quit Smoking.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

3:12 PM

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)


2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.


3. Breathe


4. Feel better


5. Smell better


6. Have control


7. Stay alive longer


8. Make me happy to succeed.


9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy


10. I said I would, somehow.

:-) My list..everyone's is different.

Next Level-Next Step.

I am not sure how coherent I will be today, my mind is a messy jumble of I don't knows, what ifs and how abouts. It was a glorious two weeks with my hubby home. He left yesterday to go back to work. I know he will only be gone 4 days this time. Awhh, crap..I miss him. Both my kids and Jack, the black puppy miss him too. Some of this is his effect on me, he gives me a very necessary balance. My daughter sighed, "Dad's leaving? That means you will get mean, bossy, and sad." I told her I have been working on it...that is what my therapy is for. She informed me that I am doing better but, need to "up" my sessions. Thanks, Renee, I am laughing here. She keeps it real.

Jack is doing good. He still is a troublemaker, as always, but he manages to be so cute about it. He just brought his water bowl from outside. It was empty, as was the one inside as well. I refilled both, and he took a small drink, gave me a sniff and has laid back down again. If reincarnation is true, I really want to come back as a dog or a cat, with nice owners. I think their life would be so blissful and easier. I tortured Jack last night with a bath. He is so soft and smelling sweet. He is NOT going to be happy with his flea preventative, today. He is smart and runs away every time he sees it.


That Jack heals old wounds for me doesn't phase him at all. He's a dog, he lives and loves. I do wish he was a bit more of a mutt, I think that would have made him a bit less high-strung. My kids love, curse, play and ignore him. He can get mean and crazy. Renee has accused me of stealing him from her. Yeah, in a way she's right. They go hide and play their e-games and I was left to "deal" with him. I am his favorite, except.. Mark the hubby plays with him the best, they play their version of fetch and a few other games. Jack kisses up to him quite a bit. My girlfriend who will be coming to visit next weekend shamelessly spoils him by sneaking him food. He follows her everywhere. What a traitor. Yes, both of them.

I saw my GP today. Whew! The good news is my blood pressure is up in normal levels, again and my anemia has improved by 10 points. He gave me a referral to an OB/GYN surgeon and a script for physical therapy. I cancelled my heart appointment follow-up as they had already told me they hadn't found anything. SO?? I'll try the pt for my neck and shoulder. Maybe I'll try a chiropractor instead if it doesn't help. I am going to wait and see how my period goes. Other than that I am done being a medical guinea pig for awhile or a Zebra.

It is back to what works and doesn't. Cleaning up my diet again and adding more exercise is the first step. The second is to watch my stress levels. Third is my caffeine intake and monitoring my medicines and vitamins. Last is starting a quit smoking program. I'd like to try hypnosis again, but actually do it on a personal basis. Yeah, I know you have heard this song-and -dance before. I have finally accepted that a lot of my physical ailments stem from my mental dilemma's. Feeling good requires work and planning, at least for me. I have been here before and accomplished my goals.

Therapy, hmm.. i face a lot of challenges there. I am laughing though, today.. as having addictive personality disorder( that's my new term) I broke so many of the chemical dependencies so many years ago. My latest yearning for drugs and alcohol? I can say I'd rather not drink, then that I don't drink at all. This is probably not the way you are supposed to do it. But, for me ..when I give myself the choice I can honestly say, no thanks. When I try to force the iron band of no, my mind rebels and thinks of ways to prove that I should or could or how..makes no sense?? LOL, uh-huh. trust me, this is not the answer for anyone except maybe me.

I have lots to do and my first step is to charge my soul batteries, kiss my kid's, sneak up on my puppy with his  no-flea gunk and take a nap. TTYAL Thanks for listening , will write/vent sooner next time.

To my friend LKY, OMG! Prayers and love honey if you read this, I am very worried about you. Special prayers for Abby and Addison, two ICU babies fighting for their lives. All my other friends, you know who you are..keep going. You are all so amazing.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love.--"Mother Teresa

 "The fear you have about being insignificant is a deception. As long as you have the courage to act, you will matter."

You all matter..somewhere, somehow, to somebody, and yourselves.

and they call it puppy love..

I have been writing this blog on-and-off in different ways since I first started this. I am going to warn anybody who might be reading this that this will contain content that will horrify you or should. This is a fair warning, the only reason I am finally strong enough to write this is because of my friends and family. They, for all different reasons, ease my nightmares, bring me joy and help me maintain my balance. Thank you.

If you haven't read my blog about my vision of dog heaven..it is God is Dog spelled backwards.

The title above is from Donny Osmond. He was the teen idol of his time, you were for him or Michael Jackson. Being raised a Mormon, there wasn't any real choice. He ruled. He is still hot, and Michael...oh gheeze, what a mess that all was. Fame so doesn't bring you happiness...though you think it would.

My earliest memories were of dogs, Skylos and Boots to be specific. When I say earliest, I was 2 or 3 years old. I laugh here because there was a time, as a teen our family was discussing old memories. I kept insisting that both dogs were HUGE. They were as tall as the table, I kept saying. My brother's were laughing saying they were only medium-size dogs at best. My dad was in a positive mood that night and realized something in that oh-my-gosh moment. He asked me how big the table was? I replied, Well, that was over my head too..I can remember walking under it. Both dogs were bigger than me. LOL. My brother's were stunned..we forgot how little you were.

Skylos got very sick, he was a mutt of maybe a collie type dog. I remember he had this large tumor growing out of the side of his neck. He was in the kitchen in the doorway and I was trying to get past him. He was growling and wouldn't let me through. It was the first time I was ever scared of him, he kept advancing and being menacing and and.. my brother Greg came from somewhere and saved me.

Not too long later their was a discussion between my dad and the landlord. I am not sure but I think the dog was his. They took a walk out in the orchard looking very grim. My dad came back shaking and in almost tears. He couldn't do it, meaning the landlord. My dad shot Skylos and they both buried him. I wasn't very upset at the time and still am not. Skylos, of course, went to heaven. Before people get crazy, this was another country and another time. Dogs weren't taken to vet's or money spent on them. It was his time, you put them down as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Snoopy was our beagle, of course..we named him from the comics and when he showed up, huh, he was tan and fluffy.  My mom shook her head and said that is not a beagle. He was the cutest dog ever.   He got his own box with blankets and a ticking alarm clock. My mom fed him milk and bread until the day he ate a whole steak that had been thawing for dinner, wrappings and all.

Snoopy, and here I cry..still.*sigh, was the first dog beating I witnessed. He bit my dad and was beat severely over and over, we were all crying and pleading. There was blood, screaming, growling and yipping. Snoopy survived that. He never bit my dad or anyone else that I knew of ever again. It did change us all forever. When we moved, I never saw him again. I had heard that Boots or Snoopy got hit by a car. Oh lord.

When we moved to the states there was Alma, a medium-sized black mutt dog and then after him came Tippy, a medium-sized black, white and brown mutt with a white tip on his tail. We watched two dogs for different cousin's for a week or so. Snuffy was a mini-toy poodle, and Brownie, a long haired medium-sized light tan colored dog. I loved them all and watched them all get beat, some worse than others. None was as bad as Snoopy, but it wasn't a good thing ever. We all learned not to intervene or plead, or even cry..we froze and tried to bring as little attention to ourselves as possible. It was called survival. I, when I could, would sneak them away and hide and cuddle with them.

I'm taking a pause here. Whew! I am not telling you this story for your sympathy, this was my reality. For some reason, we, my sibs and me, or I could never talk about it. I like my therapist's words on this..you will get to a point when you can tell your stories without fear. The "shame" will go back to where it belongs. Thank you and yes, and you will feel at peace inside. I am getting there slowly, one piece/peace at a time. Scary though, the first time I told the next part of the story. I wasn't ready and my mind flew apart. LOL, it is coming back together, stronger and better than it ever has before. Mental health isn't a joke, though I do make fun of it, constantly. "I laugh, because I have cried".

I am going to have to make this a two-fer, sorry. I will finish it soon..mostly because it is really late right now. I have been sleeping very well lately, and don't want to mess that up. thanks for listening as always..in the words of Bob Barker..spade or neuter your pets, please. Thanks. TTYAL

LOLOL.