Happy, happy, joy, joy.

I am tired, but I am feeling better than I have in a long while. I keep saying that parts of me keep floating back or resurfacing. Ka-ching! Another piece falls into place. I love Thanksgiving. What's not to love, friends, family and home-made food?  A time to say thanks for what we have, and give of our spirit and love. It conjures up the Norman Rockwell picture of the big turkey and the extended table full of relatives and friends. Just beautiful.

Arizona sun

When you don't have any of that it stings a lot. Trust me. I have been there. I had many times in my life where I preferred working than being at home or church. When I didn't have that excuse, I showed up as wasted as I possibly could, so I didn't have to deal with the reality. My aunts and uncles on my Mom's side threw a wonderful feast. Some of the best food, snacks, desserts I have ever had. It was complete and total  boredom for a shy abused kid from a very strange family. There was a couple of holiday years I spent completely alone. One of my favorite memories was with my two girlfriends,other friends, my hubby and cats. lol. My husband and I started going to his parent's house in Iowa. Wow, pretty good times. What a concept.

I had kids, and then ended up working again for all holidays. It made the celebration difficult sometimes when you are dogged tired, either from a shift that day or the night before. Having kids adds a whole other dimension good and bad. Anybody that has traveled with kids knows what I mean. o-m-g. Then, my husband started being the one working, out of town. I don't think I have celebrated Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving day in years..it ends up being a weekly thing. Which is kind of sweet.

November also cracks me up because it is THAT month. Every family has one. The month when most everyone decided to get married, be born and possibly pass away in. My mom, sister, husband, son, nephews, nieces, friends..lol. It is a trip. I don't even think about Christmas until December. I wish I could say I celebrated all of those birthdays, but no. My son's ended up being the one I need to concentrate on. He turns 12 in a couple of days. Everyone says they grow so fast. Yes, they do.

Mentally, spiritually, emotionally so far it has been lovely. I will have other days that twist me up in knots. which you will get to hear about.  Not today. Today, I am so thankful to be alive, to feel the sunshine. I love my husband and miss him. Grateful for my kids and the stinky puppy on my lap. He has been a total snoozer  all day. I am also thankful for my Facebook family and friends who have helped me all year. I am also thankful to other family and friends dear to my heart. Wow," love, love, love." They had a point. It really does feel good. "all together now..all you need is love"

Smoke-free, drug-free, sober..and in control for the day. I probably should go take a shower. lol. Thanks for listening as always, ttyl. Don't be alone, you aren't, reach out however you can. I say a prayer for you all, that this wonderful warm happiness I am feeling can infuse through everyone else. My level today..thanks to God and all of you.


"Happy, happy, joy, joy" from Disney's The Lion King. "Hakuna Matata for today"

How Long Has This Been Going On?

Today is my wedding anniversary, yesterday was my hubbies birthday. I wish he could have been home for either or both. Nope, he has another 6 or so more days. Not fun. I did talk to him quite a bit today, on Facebook and on the phone. He is bored, I am sad. Somehow, this will all work out.

This past weekend opened my eyes to a few things. I was still obsessing about my "friend". Done, for good now, I hope. I wish them the best, can't and won't get sucked up into THAT mess any more. My nerves and emotions are still a bit raw. I exposed myself, not too surprising. I get hung up on stupidity every once in awhile. I have done this to different degrees before. I have also managed to shut the door and walk on too. Bye.

I keep saying that I keep getting bits of myself back. Yes, hard to explain, but it feels right. One more layer of maturity back on, or in place again. My kids and I still have a long way to go. I AM still addicted to Facebook. I am doing better, but have more work to do. My kids are also addicted to their various electronic games. Whew! One step at a time. I did better nutritionally today. I also did my physical therapy and went for a walk with the dog. It really made me feel a whole lot better.

Jack, my puppy has been my companion today. He has been nutty, sleepy, naughty and adorable. Right now he is crashed next to me. He always makes noises in his sleep. Sometimes he is nursing, so cute...other times he is having nightmares. What do dogs dream about? My dad always said they were chasing rabbits in their sleep. Jack has never seen a rabbit or a squirrel, yet. He chases lizards, crickets and birds. Ok, he eats the crickets..lol.

Dreaming, I read a whole blog about it. Everybody dreams, they have proven that or you would go psychotic. Some people remember their dreams vividly, others don't at all or rarely. I try not too..prefer not too. I daydream constantly, and have day-mares too. I find that easier than remembering my night dreams. Even good ones bother me. My dreams are incredibly weird. I suppose that isn't too surprising. I have had nightmares were I wake up shaking and crying and don't remember why. My hubby is good with that. He holds me, even when he isn't awake.

I had a dream in college where everything was in text..lol. I had gone through a radical adjustment from my boyfriend's apartment to life at BYU. I read through my collection of books, around the clock. Not too surprising then.

I am not always myself in my dreams, or even female..or always human either. LOL, I told you they are weird. My scary ones lately involve driving up and up and then going down and down. I am phobic about driving over bridges, overpasses and up/down/around mountain roads in real life. It is bad. It drives my hubby crazy, me too. It is irrational, I know it. I feel it, but I can't stop being scared or shaking. The dreams..ugh.

I had 2 dreams I remember as a kid. They are still imprinted on my inner consciousness. I'll talk about them some other time I am too tired tonight. My period is still 24/7 with various degrees of flow. I have multiple enormous clots..eww. I know. Sorry. This morning I woke up in a pool of blood. I was scared about my upcoming hysterectomy, not so much any more. Too not have to deal with this crap, wow!

That is why my hubby is working so may days in a row, so he can be here for my surgery and our son's birthday. He will be working through Christmas too. I think. I have been married to him for 14 years and lived with him for 8 years before that. For 22 years he has been my one and only. He saved my life and balances me still. We do have a lot of things to work through. I know! I still love him, though, and know he loves me. I still find that amazing.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.


I don't know where the quote or pic came from..they are not my property and I do not make money from posting them..if they are yours, please let me know.

the answer is no.(You are kidding, right?)

As an addict, my mind continually looks for ways around things. I have mentioned before that addicts don't think that "normal" rules apply to them or consequences. When bad things happen we think it is because we are cursed. No, we know we are cursed and nobody understands. We also won't or don't take no as an answer. LOL, or own minds just won't accept reality, so we change it, or try to. It has worked before, and when it hasn't, (see above) we were cursed or missed something or didn't know or..it is never really our fault. Until the day or moment we decide everything wrong in our life and the universe is our fault. Those times suck. Neither scenario is really real.

I have been trying to figure out the "why?" of how my mind and everyone else's works since I can remember. I am figuring out now, finally that I may just never really know. It still fascinates me though. Children of addicts and abuser's (the 2 can go hand in hand..) develop an extra awareness that "normal" kids don't have. We can act on cue, we were used to playing certain roles at home. I had to laugh when I first started waitressing. This is what I had been doing all my life. I was the one responsible at dinner( and other meals during weekends or holidays) for making sure everything was on the table before we all sat down. We all cooked, and we were all hypercritical of whoever had cooked something. Total bare honesty, it didn't matter, we still had to eat it and all that we were served. Of course, if we complained too much, we got an extra helping.

The only rule for not eating something was if my dad decided something was burnt or spoiled. He sometimes had a temper tantrum and knocked everything on the floor. But, he usually waited until we were almost done. I think he enjoyed putting down my mom's cooking more, making fun of her weight or ours. Actually, just being a complete and total a-hole. We got whacked with forks, spoons, and had food thrown at us. We ate food with mold, with bugs, and were punished if we threw up. I hated eggs, cooked any kind of way, lima beans, liver, and mushrooms. I wasn't thrilled about milk, either. We had to drink a glass. You could not leave anything on your plate or be wasteful. Other times, as a punishment everybody got to eat and you didn't.

I don't force my kids to eat anything. I admit I did go too far the other way. My son is the pickiest eater ever. My daughter has her Asperger's rear up while she is eating. She eats like my brother did..*sigh. It drove me nuts when I was a kid, it still does now. I am not going to go into detail.

Why am I writing about all this? I don't know. It was what it was. I hate that I am still reacting in ways to things that happened when I was a kid. I, at first,was always the pleaser. I tried to have everything perfect, be perfect, so my dad wouldn't get mad or mean, and would love me. It wasn't possible and it took me, and is still taking me a lot of time to figure out it wasn't my fault. It never was. The pain and sadness remain. That my Dad had so many issues and still does, oh well. It isn't my problem any more. That I have issues with different things..I talk to my therapist. I talk with my friends, and my frenemies. The people that don't "like" me are usually the most honest. It is painful, but true.

It always seems to me that I should have different rules. It isn't right, but a lot of the times I really don't care. Other times I look at myself and really say, what the hell are you doing? I have had to impose my own limits on things over the years. When I go overboard, which ends up sooner or later. I make up my own rules of how I try to control myself. Do I break my own rules? Well, yeah. lol. It depends on what it is. I learned to never say never, every time I did say that, for sure, without a doubt. Never, ever..I ended up doing it, somehow. Of course, this gave or gives me ammunition later. To berate yourself with.

Why? LOL, I am still working on that one. I keep taking steps toward better mental health. I slip, fall, every day is a different challenge. That's life. I think I am on the right track at the present. I am feeling better than I have in a long time. Peace is attainable and I can be in control and not at the mercy of my desires and addictions. Woo-hoo!

I got to go get some rest, now. It is late. This is one of the times I miss a cigarette. The last one before bed. It's ok. I have some celery and am going to go outside and meditate, look at the stars and then go to sleep. TTYAL,  thanks for listening.

dawn, another day, another gift

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain.. and most fools do."-Dale Carnegie

 ‎"What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller

I don't know why those two quotes, but they are both saying something to me on different levels. G'nite!

Too Many ughs, not enough Hugs.

Ugh, it has been a couple of days or so. I have written stuff, but trust me, nothing anyone wants to read. I feel like crap. Physically, I am in a dump mode. My intestines are cramping, I am bloated, sick to my stomach, my legs and ankles are swollen, my eyes hurt and are puffy. I had a mammoth crying session all day yesterday. I have severe heartburn and gas that I have taken so many remedies for. LOL, I am just pathetic.I am tired as always. Bonus, my blood pressure is fine.

Oh gheeze, it is so sad getting older at times. Having kids destroys your body. Time, gravity and what you started with in the first place are major factors also.  Then their is your lifestyle choices. Smoking, drinking drugs, all take a toll. You can add overeating, eating junk, exercise or lack of and work, plus stress. Your economic status plays a part as does reliable healthcare and insurance. Genetics, thanks Mom and Dad, and all your past ancestors. I have been feeling cursed, again. I'll say ugh again, and take another swig of my lemon/ginger tea with honey.

Yesterday I got the go ahead to schedule my hysterectomy. *sigh, Another effin surgery, I was so depressed, lonely and just completely unbearable, even to myself. Today, I got some things done and well, see above. I did get a nap. I see my ladies group tomorrow. I am very excited. My Canadian neighbor is coming down for a visit, which is always a special treat. I also have time planned to go see Mark in Utah with the kids. woo-hoo! I just wish I felt better, now.

I am doing better, mentally. I have read a few books and have managed to take small breaks from Facebook. My obsessions are always there, but the less I expose myself to them the better off I will be. It helps to be angry and crabby about it more than accepting and understanding at this point. That may change, but right now.  I would love to say eff you and the horse you rode in on. It isn't how I feel totally, but it does give me some balance, perspective and distance. Hate is so much easier than love, especially when there is pain and hurt involved.

I'd rather get bitch-slapped in the face physically than relive some of the "verbal" smack downs I have received in my life. These always hurt worse from people you care about, the worse part is the ones you believe and haunt your self with. You know what I am saying.

I am not crazy. LOL

Monty Python... "we are not worthy" They make it a joke and we laugh, because somewhere underneath it all we really don't think we do deserve the good things or only a wee little bit.
ugh again.

‎"Give, but do not allow yourself to be used; Love, but do not allow your heart to be abused; Trust, but do not be naive; Listen to others, but do not lose yourself."

Nice advice, but not always possible.  I don't know who owns this picture, but isn't it beautiful? It is something I think we are striving for.

No more Ughs? Stick them on a lower level and leave them there. If you are ugh-ing yourself, stop and give yourself a hug instead. Feels way better. LOL..thanks for listening as always. TTYL.

Yawn!

I am sitting with a warm puppy on my lap. I am full, been eating on and off all day. Whew! I will need to get up eventually to either go to the bathroom or something. LOL. For now, though it is good. I can hear my kids video upstairs, but not too loudly. I am emotionally calm for the first time in days. It feels really really good. I slept most of the day away, didn't really do much of anything.

I am not feeling guilty about this. Okay, the eating part a bit. I need to get some controls in place. By not smoking, I tend to be hungrier. As for the rest of it, my feelings? I have been on an emotional roller coaster for so long now. When I plateau, it is really amazing. I can look back and realize how out-of -control I have been. I know this level won't last forever either. I will be back at something else that turns me around, or inside out.

Why? Good question, I guess because this is the way I have always been. I am starting to figure out the why's of some things. I am also realizing that there is a whole lot of stuff that I will never figure out. Either about myself or others, and for now..that is okay too. This will be back to bother me. Not today, though. I have gone through enough turmoil, I welcome this respite.

Calm, deep breathing, the eye of the storm? LOL, perhaps.

I have seen tornado's in real life, though not big one's up close. I have seen the damage Mother Nature can do and have always been impressed and humbled. I am glad I have never been in an actual hurricane. I am grateful I have food, shelter, and love. I have family and friends. I am not wishing today, just expressing gratitude, I guess. Wow!

I am tired again, my anemia? Probably, but I love sleep. There is much worse things than feeling tired or discouraged. I will still be here for now. Thanks for listening as always. I find it incredible that people actually read this. I hope it helps someone else. I don't always have the mental stability I'd like to achieve, but one step at a time.

I really wonder what puppies dream about? Jack makes such cute noises in his sleep..Have a great night or day wherever you are.

Yawn, stretch, TTYAL.

Ten Reasons to Quit Smoking.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

3:12 PM

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)


2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.


3. Breathe


4. Feel better


5. Smell better


6. Have control


7. Stay alive longer


8. Make me happy to succeed.


9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy


10. I said I would, somehow.

:-) My list..everyone's is different.

A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

I have a Scar ..

Yesterday, LOL I was tripping out. Pity party time, freaking about small things in my life. A friend pointed it out and now? I am not going to guilt myself over it. That would usually be the next step. Really. I would agonize about how petty and trivial I can be. I would basically thrash myself internally as a punishment. Written and cried at myself, been harsh and critical and a few other silliness. Enough!

I am trying out new things, behavior and actions. Changing yourself is strange, at first everything seems bizarre and twisted. I am a non-smoker. Wow! I am chewing on a drinking straw as I type. I chew on them, twist them, tie them into knots, drop them. My puppy Jack has picked up the habit, too. I may need a 12-step program for straw addiction, but that is okay. As far as I know it doesn't cause cancer yet.

Right now I am tired. I did have major surgery and it has taken a toll. Whitened a few more of my hairs and gave me a new scar. I have to admit as far as surgeries go, except for Lasik this has been the smoothest. I am alive and doing very well. The recovery has been sweetened by my mother-in-law who really is incredible. I hit the jackpot when I married my hubby. I love being a Tschudi. I just hate the way the name is spelled. By the way, it is pronounced shoot-ee or shoe-dee or close enough.

It is the week-end and I have two extra adults in my house that I love, my family. Being grateful for that isn't difficult. I copied a quote on FB yesterday about people being a blessing or a lesson. Usually for me it is both. I learn and re-learn to be thankful for what I have been given. I am an addict, I am the mother of two crazy kids and a wackier puppy. I am a wife and daughter-in-law, and I have friends who not only cheer me up and care. They also keep me company and make me laugh, even when I am being "doofy".

That I do the same for them goes without saying. That part of it has always been a joy to me. I think the level for me today was to open my eyes and look around. Wipe the grit out from my eyes, squint against the sun glare and see. It is a beautiful beautiful world, thank God. My tribulations, problems, whining are all still there. My peace and inner music never left.  I hear them when I can stop distracting myself. I am so human, and therefore, err. Moving on, and keeping at it is my next level. Remembering to laugh, my addictions embarrass me, but I got to admit, there is worse things to be.

Talk to you all later, thanks for listening, love ya!

WARNING : Wishes Do Come True

It came as a slap in the face today. Most everything I have whined, moaned or wished about has come true in these past couple of weeks. My hubby is at home, kind of working and kind of not. I have someone else doing all my chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, puppy care..etc. I also have a way, means, and stamp of approval to get as high as I want, as much as I want for a few weeks. I am being encouraged to sit on my butt and play with fb or whatever. I can sleep as much as I want, whenever I want. I have continued to quit smoking. I also have 2 other adults in my house who help with child-teen behavior.

OK, wow! The fact that I had major surgery, can't drive and do any of those things I used to complain about. hmmm..I am severely limited on my pain meds right now. Um, and now my incision is giving me more grief..ouch. Go figure. I am kind of laughing here. I love both my hubby and my mom-in-law. In very different and unique ways, and whew! Let us just say it has been a bit difficult adjusting to them being here. They both smoke, my girlfriend did too. It has been very lip-biting crabbiness not joining them in what used to be my favorite past time. It helps or doesn't that it is so hot out. My kids are brats, which I knew already. To see that idea mirrored and reinforced. *sigh.

So dreams do come true, wishes can be answered, prayers granted..and it isn't what I wanted. This is not the fantasy life I had imagined. I feel like boo-hooing a bit and stamping my feet and doing a little temper dance. Ok, I'll admit it. I already did. I am a brat, also.

My mind is a hot mess right now. I couldn't even begin to start with what I am thinking, or feeling, up is down, left is right and my universe is not upside down, but tilted and someone or others have been traipsing around doing their own little dance or clean up inside my head. That I go looking for these different thoughts and experiences really isn't the point. I am trying to process it all and somehow, I have been coming up short. Maybe that is the drugs..

If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems.

With that thought I do smile, and am going to steal another piece of homemade Rice Krispie treats, maybe. I have thank you notes to write to my many wonderful neighbors tomorrow and things and events to plan for. I know going out for a smoke won't solve anything or make me feel better. I know food or drugs won't take away any of my anguish inside..it just spits it out in a different form. I am learning, slowly. Listening for my music that helps guide me.

I will still pray, and wish and dream..and try to complain less.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL. with love.

High Hopes..

Pain is a relative thing, really. I have physical pain right now. It can be very bad. As long as I don't move a certain way, it is okay. I have had my third and "final" hernia surgery. The surgeon wasn't very optimistic about not having another recurrence. Whatever. My body, my rules and the doc's have been wrong before, so wrong. Here's hoping!

My girlfriend, my hubby and the kids have all come to see me.  My girlfriend the most, it has been sweet. It is so boring being in a hospital. My hubby brought me my phone and lap-top. He had me hooked up to the inter-net. I kept getting a warning page from my web security. I thought this was a virus on my computer and kept trying to clean it up. OMG! My hubby finally undid all the damage I had done, and hooked me up again.. Yey! I love you, honey. I have been playing on Facebook ever since. It was so wow! I have had so many well-wishers, and all from peeps I care about.

I am tired, and coming off of some drugs. I stopped the morphine yesterday as it makes me so nauseated. I'd rather be in pain then be throwing up with abdominal stitches and in pain. This is going to be my biggest scar. Doesn't even phase me, the little drainage bag and tube coming out of it is "icky". I get to go home with that. "Joy", I say sarcastically. I have been on Oxycontin today, lol. It makes me just a bit spacey. Good thing I am not really doing anything. I am off of the machines and a lot of the hook-ups so I can walk around pretty freely. It is kind of excruciating to get up. Once I am up, ah.. not so bad, I just feel like a little old lady shuffling around. I still have an IV tube stuck in my arm too. Blah! I have, of course already blown one. My record is four. We shall see.

The only scary part right now is that I am full of gas and will need to go at some point. Aargh, after somebody has been playing around with your bowels the idea is very unpleasant. I will not get into the reality of it when it happens. No sense in worrying about it. I need more drugs here...

I kind of upset the nurses a bit, as I tend to do for myself.  They get used to me. I have really been in too many hospitals, too many times. I can do a lot for myself and I am very pro-active in my care. The non-smoking thing has been a big bonus. I have been hacking up some nastiness. LOL, sorry..my throat hurts from the "tube" they use, and coughing is such a bad idea. I love the coffee they are supplying me with. It soothes and relaxes my throat and opens my lungs. Of course, it did keep me awake most of the night.

Ok, enough already. I am not really sure what I am writing about here. For this page I guess it would be titled "Laura's Stay at the Hospital" or "Hernia Surgery and Repair Number 3". Blah...LOL. I am boring myself. I really do like the drugs. I don't care for some of the side effects, I am dizzy and as of now, hot and sweaty. That is not even in a fun kind of way. The nurse just pointed out that this could be a hot flash. OMG! yep..for sure..Shazbot.

I realize lately that I am "older" but I don't feel "old". Does this make any sense? I really don't remember it happening either, but then I do. OK. I am almost 50. WOW! The second half of my life now awaits. I would like to be able to just dump most of the emotional garbage from the first half and start over. I kind of am, in a way when I am writing this stuff..yeah for me.!!

I want to go home. Don't we all? The place we have made that is our haven, sanctuary, nest..whatever you want to call it. I also want to go home eventually to the place I think about. It really isn't heaven, just another place without any worries. The place I go to when I sleep, and dream and don't remember. Where you don't have a care in the world and you can let everything go and still be safe. It will be soon enough I am sure.

Dorothy got home from Oz by clicking her heels together. It was the part of the story where you say OH, ok. I think I have more to do than clicking or even wishing. Whew! But for now, today I am going to call it a day and say good night, tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

The title is from a little song.."she has high hopes...(repeat) she has ..high apple pie... in the sky, hopes...oops there goes another rubber tree plant..(repeat)...kerplop!" There is more to it, but if you have ever heard that song now it is repeting in your brain forever..sorry. LOLOL.

I'm dying here..

I should be in bed asleep. I am tired, but I can't give in to it yet. I didn't take my sleepy pill either. I am dying for a glass of water , a cup of coffee. I would even appreciate a smoke. LOL, I am still clean and smoke-free..I can admit I loved to smoke. I miss it. But, I don't HAVE to anymore. Also knowing if I went and choked one down, that I would justify smoking more. No thanks.

My kids started school this week, it has gone very smoothly so far. This will not last. That isn't being pessimistic, that's reality. It has been very strange having my hubby here. Sweet, but just a bit confusing. My girlfriend is another element of helpful. She cheers me up just by being herself. She thinks my kids are brats. They do have their moments. LOL, she hasn't seen their good sides yet, really.

I am sleep-typing. Which is probably a pretty scary thing. I have my surgery, my third spigelian hernia repair, today..blah. I can't believe that drinking a bit of water is going to kill me here. But, sigh. I am so trying to behave. I am going to go upstairs soon and wash with their special soap. Then put on my freshly laundered outfit, and actually be ready to go. I wish I could take my lap-top with me. It would be cool to talk with my fb friends, blog or solitaire until it was time. But no.

I have so many things on my mind. My heart goes out to two of my nieces and that side of the family as both of them miscarried. Logically, I can understand how this happens. The amazing part is how well the entire miracle of birth really works, usually. Emotionally and spiritually now, it feels so raw and wrong, I hurt for their loss. It feels as if a part of my soul got torn away.

My daughter and son both got really emotional tonight. I realize that I complain endlessly about my kids, but I am still so amazed I have them. They trip me out. I don't think anyone can love them the same way that I can. Which is true but also silly, other people love and cherish them also. But, I'm their mom. Always. I can never explain that rush of emotion, it just is. You just have it, know it and feel it.

I'll be okay.

God has some purpose for me and I know it isn't finished yet.  It has barely started. So, I am not going to die. I am just going to be in pain and crabby for awhile. Or loopy, I hate/love pain meds. I am such a strange addict. ok, upstairs for awhile..this couch is too comfy. My favorite part will be waking up and being well enough to have my first cup of coffee. I hope you are reading this girlfriend.

TTYAL, and thanks for listening.

My quote for the week was

The first principle of self-love is that you are not for sale. - Yogi Bhajan   Because you/me are beyond price. 

in the end it really does matter.

Hi.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the past couple of weeks. I don't know. I have my hernia surgery coming up on Wed. *Sigh, I don't want to do it. I know it won't fix anything, really. I am hoping I am wrong. I also have suicidal thoughts come out, maybe this will finally be it. I won't wake up and that will be that. Or in my overwrought imagination, I have some soap opera ending where I die and if they had just done this instead. lolol..oh-blah.

It has been sweet having my hubby home. I have been so tired though. I slept eight hours two nights in a row and still ended up taking a nap today and yesterday. Shaking my head, it is very hard to get anything done when you are asleep all the time. It has felt very good though. I was sleeping in naps again before that. I hate that..a couple hours here and there. Its awful.

It feels so weird to not be smoking. I forget. I remember. I crave it really bad sometimes. I can talk myself out of it so far. Other times, hmm..I used to panic when I didn't know where my smokes were or was missing a lighter or was running low or out. The panic is gone, I can look back on it sort of how you would look at a goldfish just put in a new bowl. He's swimming around all crazy.  I feel sorry for that fish, was that fish, but it isn't me anymore. It is very very strange.

I am still an addict. I have been slowing down on Facebook. I haven't been blogging as much. Though, I have been reading other peoples blogs. I guess some of that tripped me a bit. There are people who write extremely well. I don't quite know how I write. It changes depending on who, what, where, why and how. Sort of like me, I don't always remember what I wrote or what I said. I need reminders or references. My punctuation is terrible. I have run-ons and fragments and..oh well. I felt less-than.

That has become an all to uncomfortable creepy feeling lately. That I am less-than, because I am an addict or admit that I have mental issues of depression and anxiety. Or that I am cash-poor and in debt, with no job and my husband supporting me. That does really bother me. That I am less-than because I am not thin, and in shape and have never worn a bikini in public...and never will. That my parents never had money to send me to a real dentist very often and couldn't afford braces. My teeth are crooked. My son's teeth are really gnarly, that will be the next big expense.

The less-than is all in my head. It is how I have been perceiving myself. For shame..I know. I have done so much and come so far..and as I told my daughter today. It matters. Life matters. Love matters. What I do or don't do does make a difference somewhere, to somebody. Myself for one. God? Mmmhhmm..I would think so, my friends, families, strangers, etc. Anybody I come into contact with, one way or another. I have the choice to hold my head up or be embarrassed by my own judgement. Ha!

I make mistakes, I lie sometimes, I fudge a bit on the whole truth at times. I have stolen.. I have so much in my past..lolol. I have so much I face right now every day. It is very hard being me. Why? Because I am at war with myself usually. Other times it is so easy where everything just falls into place without much effort and wow! I love those kind of days.

I am going to go get some sleep now, and I am letting God take over on this surgery. It will be what it will be. I am really happy my gf is coming into town, and it will be nice to just relax and chill. Tomorrow I will try to push my energy level a bit more, but I am ok now. Not less than or more than, just me. Good night.

Giving All my Secrets Away.

Good Morning! If I start writing this I probably won't get any of my chores started. Hmm..LOL. I am in a very good mood this morning. I am not going to question or analyze this. I am just enjoying it. I have great FB friends. I don't know about anyone else's experiences with this. My group of friends uplift me and make me smile or laugh, cry, ponder and say the darnedest things sometimes. No wonder I am hooked.

I am including a link, it is "How to Overcome Addictive Personality" by Lisa Fritscher on eHow.http://www.ehow.com/how_5692048_overcome-addictive-personality.html


If you don't read the link, you will have a harder time understanding what I am talking about. #1. I do see a therapist now. I tease him that he was the third. My first one was an on-line minister and licensed counselor. He helped me tremendously when my world and mind shattered. There are severe limitations to on-line counseling, however. He helped me find the courage, strength, and recommendations to go to a therapist in person. We remain friends now, he is an awesome guy. My 2nd therapist helped glue me back together, so I could be functional again. Before that I was sleeping at the most a couple of hours a day here and there. I was drinking coffee and soda by the bucket, smoking 4 packs a day. Really. "Tweaking and freaking" I have said that before..it was a bad time for me, my kids, and hubby.

My present therapist is more affordable as he is in my insurance plan, and I received 6 free visits through my husbands EAP.(Employee Assistance Plan). With the insurance he is only $13 a week. Whew! My other doc was around $50. I also relate better to my new guy, which is very important. You have to have the right fit or it isn't going to help you much. He speed-reads like I do. That was the first bonus, though I think I am faster. LOLOL. He was my daughter's therapist, so he understands some of those issues. He also helped her with her depression. She, at present, doesn't want to talk to him.  It is okay. I do need to find somebody who has a speciality with Asperger's and teens. This has been very frustrating, very few and far between.

A good therapist doesn't judge you or tell you how to live. They listen and point out your underlying issues with things. They help you form your own action plan based on what your dreams and goals are. Healthy alternatives, and facing the "demons" of past experiences with a trained guide. I cannot even begin to explain how much this has helped me. The hardest part, taking the first step and then continuing... It is work, and at times scary for me. By facing the fears, I get more mentally stable and healthier. "Which is fun for the whole family". LOL, if you know THAT movie reference you get a gold star.

 Why am I telling you all this? I knew I needed help throughout my life. I didn't know where to get it and was too scared at times to go look. So, I did the best I could with what I had available. I have had a lot of great friends in my life, who seemed to be there at just the right time. Other times I drew upon my hubby and kids. Before that...there has been the dark times that I had to get myself out of. This last episode..I needed major help. This has really all been a whirlwind for me. Cleaning out all the debris and building anew, using new material and old. "We can build it, stronger, faster,..LOL" Old TV show.

My family including Jack the puppy and FB is now my support group. Fb is also one of my main addictions..LOL. I am doing waay better, but have a long way to go. I also have a woman's group that just started. Yey! I do need something else. I have some ideas, but I have to get some of my physical mystery issues done first.. God is my back-up..always with me. He/she has me covered. I can't explain that.

Boredom is a real problem, I read, I write now, I would like to start drawing again. I am working on finding  fun activities with my kids. I try to swim daily and will start my bike-riding again when it cools down outside. Doing my house chores, aargh. Taking care of the kids and a dog...and even my hubby when he is home. Money is always a major dark cloud over my head. *sigh, I need a job/career/ alternative income. Praying and thinking...I am very good at spending money. *sigh, again.



 

"At what point did you cease to own it, and it began to own you?" posted by Bill Moser.

 Good question, and one I have to ask myself continually. There is good addictions, but I would like to learn how to resist the "hook". I have fought the line and broke free of so many things, but there are so many different tasty hooks out there. Now I am looking for the worms, bugs and sustenance I need without the attachments.

Have a great day, keep your head up and watch out for those hooks. If you are already there..you can win free. You aren't alone. The battle is yours, but take whatever help you can find and use it. Thanks for listening to me..TTYAL. Crap, my kitchen floor still isn't washed. LOL.

Knowing

Simply Positive
" Staying positive & optimistic despite constant chaos, busy life, drama, sickness, pain, & issues is mental WORK! The tougher your life at the moment, the MORE you need to make it a daily priority to constantly focus on controlling your thoughts AND creating constant new positive ones to deflect the negative ones. You need to outweigh EACH negative thought w/ a positive one. EACH one. Balance thoughts. :)"

yeah, okay.

I am laughing here. I know I am not the only one. My thoughts are constantly swirling. Some surface and can be very negative, others are extremely positive. Most of them, can go one way or the other. As an addict, the goal was to drug, drown or kill this chaos of thought and emotion. Let the good times out, sometimes, and feel no pain or ecstasy and then numbness. Losing all control of mind, body and spirit so you didn't have to be accountable for anything you said or did.

I do miss it sometimes, crave it at others. I have enough experience now to know I don't always like the beast that emerges. I hate losing my control or balance now. I don't care for the aftereffects, I hold myself accountable for my own self. I like sober, straight me way better...for the most part. It gets boring and tedious too, work. LOL, that is when I know I am brooding again. Humor is a kind of gravy through this whole mix. Friends and family add spice, insights and glue. They help me hold myself together.

I am exhausted. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not. Mind over matter, but I am really really tired. (yawn). I have an hour to kill before my daughter's piano lesson. I don't think I can stay for the 1/2 hour. The teacher has two litters of beagle puppies. They are beyond cute, but with the temps in the 100+ range, they can't stay outside. The house reeks of bleach, throw-up, dog doo and pee. She has them in two plastic wading pools that she cleans three times a day. Way, way too much work for me. Times are hard, you do what you have to do. She sells them to good homes and makes a small profit.

I have to feed the kids then, we will be going out. I should have gone grocery shopping on Tues, Wed or today. Now I have my CT tomorrow morning.

I am not excited about this, this will be my fourth one in the last 10 years. Some people get claustrophobic, I just hate the cost and time of it. It takes forever. I'll be there, I am figuring about 5 hours or so. The medical staff will have me fill out paperwork that I have filled out a 100 times and then don't read it. I swear. Or they find one thing to repeat over and over again...the one time was about allergies. I had 7-10 different nurses ask me what my allergies were once while waiting for a surgery. I got grumpy and then got yelled at. I think if  just one of them had listened to my answer, and wrote it down it would have been cool.

I am being a whiny butt. LOL. I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Really, I do.  I  also think I have had more than my fair share of misdiagnosis errors, medical mistakes, and weird diseases or syndromes. I busted the pharmacy tonight, I went for my re-fill they called me for. Which one is it? The one I don't take anymore. When I informed him of that, he realized that they have been issuing two anti-depressants that don't mix. "You realize you can't take those together?" He was shaken and should be. I worked in a pharmacy, you are liable for stupid errors like that. I am so glad I can read and question things.

I had one of my fb friends call a girl a whore tonight for admitting to using birth control. Wow, I am still stunned and I shouldn't be. I did point out that birth control is prescribed to girls for reasons other than to prevent pregnancy from having sex. It really isn't the point though. I have been there and done that and been called that and a few other not-so-nice judgemental labels. I have to say that the people, guys and girls who called me this were either worse than me..or somewhere in their mind wanted to be. They had at some point in their life labeled that kind of behavior as taboo or a sin, and judged. Jesus didn't. He wept. I don't think it was because of promiscuity. It was because people were closed off to his message and his sacrifice.

I admit here I am not a true Christian and most likely never will be. I am one he weeps for or hopes for. I honor a lot of his teaching. I read the New Testament and a lot of the old. Is he the Son of God? Hmm..maybe, is that what is important? Who his dad was? He did change the world for good and evil. I have quite a few friends who are true Christians and devout, they are awesome people that I respect. Their faith inspires them to be better people, and they live it. I love them. Some other folks use their religion as a shield or wall to hide behind. They profess, and preach and are almost complete a-holes to everyone around them except the few who agree with everything they say. The holier-than-thou types, you know who I mean. Ugh. I avoid them, and try not to judge, really.

My one friend laughed at me and said,"Laura, you really can't start a religion of one." Sure I can, it is what it is. I found my God and continually work on this relationship. I am still more of a sinner than a saint, but I do have my moments. I have doubts, not that God is, but what his plan for me is. I know he is laughing. I laugh, sometimes, when I get the joke, too.

I am more worried about my kids tomorrow then me. I wish my hubby was home. I have been through all my CT's before, not quite alone, but never with someone. I have also had temper tantrums and took out my own IV's twice. Yuk, they are longer than you think. I also have had four IV's..um, don't know the technical term, swell my whole arm or hand vein up and explode all over the place. I have been overdosed with the wrong medicine, a whole bag of Magnesium, that one was awful. I almost had the wrong hand operated on. LOLOL. There is more. Another time perhaps?

I had to cut a part here for reasons out of my control...if you did read this before Thank You! Another time and place, it is still good and forever in my heart..knowing that you don't appreciate what you have in life until it is either threatened or somebody else shows you how by example.

First rule: Never let 'em change you. Rule 2: Do you. To the fullest. And never be ashamed to.

From my friend Tommy V, not sure where he got it. Thanks! Working on rule #2. The only person who can truly change you is you. Live, love, and be loved. It is out there.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.

Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

Fish swim, but can't climb trees.

Hi all!

I haven't written in awhile. I have so been thinking about it. I finally came to the conclusion that I enjoy this and it is work, too. Writing these takes me a lot more time then I think it should.

I have had some very positive moments this past week. I took my kids and one of the neighbor boys to the mountain by our house for a star-gazing. The expert was incredible, his love and knowledge of the stars was amazing. The stars themselves were breath-taking. We found the North Star, looked into the Milky Way, peered at Saturn through a scope, and were blessed by a falling star..cosmic dust burning so bright. There was so much more. It was surreal, as it was dark enough to make out shapes of people, but not see their faces. Me and the kids were the most vocal, all the rest were adults who I found a bit quiet. Dr. Sky was just as excited as the kids were and answered all their questions, even the bizarre ones with affection and humor. We will be going back again next month.

It was really fun swimming with my son a couple of days later as he pointed out a lot of the things in the sky he had learned. If my husband is home the next time we will take the telescope. If not, we will bring the binoculars..and more treats. Chocolate bars are not a good idea in an Arizona night. We had to put them in the fridge for the next morning. The water bottles were  an excellent idea though.

I also joined a woman's group. It was great. I can't share any of the stories or names of the ladies, but what a treat for me. We are just starting and I am so looking forward to the next one. I think I will turn off my phone though next time. Both kids called  that night and my husband too so i missed out on some of the discussion. If Jack, the puppy, had thumbs he probably would have rang me up too. He and the kids attacked me when I came home. It is so nice to be loved..but really, I was only gone for 2 hours.

I realize, I do have a job. It just doesn't pay in cash. I have my kids and Jack 24/7. I also have a house, pool, yard, car and so much stuff to stock, clean and maintain. No wonder I am so tired all the time. LOL.. Trying to get my kids out of their rut is a challenge, too. It would be easier in a cooler climate, we have been triple digits for months. It would also be nice to have a larger budget. I am house rich and cash poor. Small steps, getting them motivated and keeping myself going. It does help me. My son is an antennae wire, Mom are you ok? Feeling sad again? He is always good for a hug...sometimes too much. I'll still keep him.

My daughter has her moments, good, bad, bizarre..her musical talent keeps growing. My only wish, that her internal sadness would find some more joy. She needs friends, normalcy and people..major help. Loving discipline has been a vital key. She is, despite her Asperger's and other issues, a 13 year-old teen. Setting her rules and expectations and consistently following through. I told you I have a job..lol. I couldn't imagine life without her even when she pushes us both to the brink. I remind her of that. My favorite saying: I love you always no matter what, I just don't always like what you are doing.

My shoulder and neck pain are improving..posture. Bllch, dirty word. The therapists sigh, we have seen worse. Really? That helps me..not..I do have to watch that sarcastic bite. My mind therapy improves also. I was given an assignment to write a letter to myself cataloging all my good attributes, accomplishments, successes. It was difficult until I really got started. The next step is I get to read it aloud. LOL, eww.. he did point out how far I have come. Looking back, yeah..WOW! Six months ago I was a barely functional human being. I cried, I slept very little, I was out-of-my-mind and knew it. Now I am on my way to the most healthy mental state in my life. Yowza!

My medical 'shite' I am not going to talk about today. The last doctor I talked to did point out that he really couldn't help me until I quit smoking. Gheeze, thanks doc..I'd say yes and no here. I am playing phone tag with my hubby's insurance company. They have a quit smoking program, funny how hard it has been to hook up with. The doctors I have all talked too without exception have been nice and truly want to help me. The problem is that I haven't found the right one that actually hears what I am saying and can think out of the box.

I love my friends, neighbors and Facebook. I am still an addict, always will be. I will also always have the specter of depression over my shoulder and face anxiety attacks of different degrees. My friends/family help me through...and my God has my back and keeps poking and prodding me. Jerk, LOLOL..

I love helping others, bringing out the best in them. I always have. It completes me in a way that I can't explain. Some of it is been there, done that, others it is WOW! You are amazing! They inspire me to new levels. Others I want to smack sometimes, LOL

Before you talk to kids, remember this: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

~Albert Einstein~

Final quote for today's blog.. I think this applies to everyone. Shine on and find your level and show everyone how bright you truly are...then help them glow too. Thanks for listening, love ya! TTYAL. :-)

Angels, sinners, and saints..

Today, today was different. Different is good. From Ground Hog's Day, the movie.

I have one thought after another fly by. I'll get the hardest out of the way first. I still hesitate talking about God, not only because of past issues. I can talk about sex and be completely at ease. God is more personal and private. Am I embarrassed by it? Sometimes, yes..people talking about their religion and beliefs can make me uncomfortable at times. So me, talking about mine..um, yeah.

It always amazes me that "God" loves me. I don't feel worthy and at other times feel cursed. Why me Lord? for either side of the coin..my crazy duality where I see, feel, hear both. Call me nuts, but God does talk through me at times. The words flow and I have to say them, afterwards I can not believe what I wrote, or barely remember. It is beautiful and inspiring writing. This can make me feel honored and to tell the truth..honestly and totally freaked out.

I have had a couple people call me an angel, I know at times I have a message. I hope it reaches where it is supposed to and helps those who need it. I have had a few "angels" talk to me too. Right time, right place and the words hit my soul. I also have a dark side, it talks too and I can sometimes spot it. It sadly comes out in anger, with my kids and puppy. I am learning to not let it control me. The anger, frustration, isolation of my life takes its toll. Tonight I went out and talked with a group of new lady friends. It was sweet.

I am going through medical issues and am tired of whining about it for now. I see another new doc Monday and am hoping with a grain of salt. I am so sick of feeling sick.

I am too tired to write more tonight, sleep will be a blessed relief. Your levels are about finding your own beliefs and trying to incorporate them into your day-to-day. My levels too..good nite all and thanks for listening. TTYAL.

Let's play a game, shall we?

Have you ever had the feeling, where you are an outside observer of your own life? The past couple of days, I have felt a bit strange, sort of in it, but also on the outside looking in. I was fighting the sensation at first and then just shrugged, laughed, and welcomed it. Especially, today.

My hubby and my girlfriend of 20 years were in town, it is her second visit to my home. We are close and I always think of it as "me casa es su casa". My house/home is yours and vice-versa. It sounds cooler in Spanish. LOL. Silly Americans, we are fascinated by other languages and cultures, but also remain aloof, too. A few phrases here and there makes us feel global. This isn't all Americans..there are international travelers of all kinds and stripes. There is also quite a few who are multi-lingual. But, for the majority of Caucasian/European mutt suburbanites like me..another language, accent, culture is an exotic flavor. Working with a guy from Africa, who knew at least 4 languages, he told me Americans are snobs. LOL.

We are and aren't. I think we don't mean to be, but that is how we appear to the rest of the world at times. I think it is due more to exposure and opportunity. So many of us are sheltered in our own immediate surroundings. Global news is hard to attach a whole lot of meaning to, unless it is especially graphic of some nature. Even news in our own country is easily shrugged off or doesn't make an impact. It doesn't really change much of our day-to day.

We also have the world come to us, which America is the biggest mix of cultures, religions, ethnicity, "classes". We brew our own too, from inner-city ghetto to militant gun groups, Amish farmers, way way too many to list..and each generation stirs it up more. It has been called the great "melting pot", LOL..more like the big dutch oven of diversity. A huge container of hobo stew that isn't mixed up very often, so the flavors just intermingle and sometimes blend, and disagree or shock the senses. Each spoonful tastes completely different. I find it amazing...the world does too.

"On the outside looking in.." but still in my own skin. Today, with my kids and puppy feeling down..we always do when my husband leaves. It is a double whammy with my girlfriend gone too. She is so truly genuine. I smile, love you lady! We all played a board game last night, that she bought us. After some protests and acting out, we all got in to it and had a blast. Thank you so much, Ms. Mindy, it was a wonderful family night that we will all remember for years to come. The smile and joy of your entire visit help counter the loss of your presence.That was just one highlight among so many. The distancing I am feeling really is helping me keep my emotions under control, and handle my kids as well. Jack the puppy is so forlorn.

The only real regret is I didn't get a picture of all of us. I have to get up, motivated. Had my intake of coffee, time to shower, dress, clean a bit, fold laundry(ugh, maybe) as I have physical therapy to go to today for my shoulder/ neck. It feels so much better. I visit an Ob/gyn tomorrow to talk about possible surgical options, and my therapist the day after that. I also have other appointments and chores to get to..mmhhhmm.

The sun is blasting today, 112/79 degrees F forecast...whew! We will all be inside till it cools down a bit in the evening. Hope my words encourage, inspire, or amuse. Trying today to count my blessings, remain positive, and keep this open line going with my kids. Being thankful for what I have, LOL..great FB friends, a hard-working loving hubby, my "real" friends(lol), my kids, house, puppy, use of all my limbs and brain. A sense of humor to laugh at the funny parts and keeping it real.

"Life is too short!!! Live it up, break the rules, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh loudly, have fun, make memories, and never forget or regret anything that once made you smile :)"

posted by my astral "twin"! TY!

TTYAL, thanks for listening.

Am I very far now?

Hi, it's me..I don't know how long this video will play or if it will at all. It's Counting Blue Cars by Dishwalla..the song asks, "tell me all your thoughts on God. 'cause I'd really like to meet him/her..

Love this song, always have. It has been going through my head for a day and a half now since a friend posted it. My thoughts on God..hmm. I have already irked a lot of God or church people with my beliefs. I respect theirs, they think I am missing something or feel like I am lacking. At first, I was really wondering if I was..LOL. See my post WTH.

Most God and religion talk creep me out. Some actually makes me nauseous and some of it makes me madder than hell. For example, there was a post that this lady put up a while back how a real shepherd breaks the legs of a wandering sheep and carries it back to the fold and cares for it, lovingly and tenderly until it heals. She then compared this to Christ and his being our true shepherd and how... OH HELL, NO, I thought I was going to upchuck. Lady, you really really scare me. Plus, I had visions of Stephen King's book/movie "Misery".

I am not a "sheeple." There is enough people, masses out their with blind devotion to their faith, whatever it may be. This is how rulers ruled for many years, religious or otherwise. The God was King and vice-versa. It is also how 'cults' operate, how fanatic's are born and  what motivates suicide bombers/terrorists...Holy Wars, The Crusades, the Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, the Holocaust, the mass murder of a whole lot of "brown" people, Bosnia, Serbia, the decimation of the American Indian, the colonization of too many people to list, Jonestown...the list goes on and on and on. Fear, terror, pain, guilt, suffering, disobedience..death to the heretic and all that crap.

There's another bible quote, "spare the rod, spoil the child" people have been using this as an excuse to beat the crap out of each generation, and the next one and the next for their own "spiritual" enlightenment, ever since this version was published. I am quoting from someone else, don't know who, but the original Hebrew meaning of the word "rod" was about learning/wisdom/teaching. Books were written on papryus or hides and rolled on "rods". So by sparing the rod, meant you weren't teaching your kids. Huh, right? True too, how else are they going to learn?

I have talked about praying before. I pray all the time, sometimes with specific names and questions..sometimes just complaining, sometimes for the whole world or at other times for a stubbed toe. My God is always with me, always has been, always will be. I find this incredibly comforting. I, also didn't realize that for a very long time. I didn't always listen either, knowing and regretted it. Other times, I blinded myself with self-hate, loathing, fear, guilt, anger and unleashed it on people and myself. I still struggle with this, my kids, my hubby, certain friends have seen me lose it. I have a nasty temper at times. A saint I so am not.

Having endured hours of forced kneelings and seeing others in pain because of it, prayers said aloud that were personal condemnations, being told to go pray as a punishment. I find the concept "on my knees" umm, ugh. I'd rather laugh at the sexual innuendo's. LOL, sorry if you find that shocking or disrespectful, Who the hell do you think designed our bodies and made sex pleasurable? OMG! indeed. My prayers are for me, and I share my prayers sometimes with others, for others..I don't always ask the right questions and know at times that I don't or can't see the whole picture.

I believe in Evil, big and little as I have seen my own personal version of it. Done my own contribution to this, I have lied, cheated, stole, killed, maimed, sometimes intentionally. Some of my current struggles are from the "hell's" of my past, some I had no control over, and some I did or had done. I have read about, lol, of course..big and little evil's in the world...past and present. I still find it appalling that American's are the only country to have dropped live "nukes' on two cities. I think so many people didn't know what it meant, I am hoping. For those who yell "nuke 'em" now..are morons. Educate yourself.. Hiroshima, look at the pictures, read the stories and the tales of the survivors..and the generational permanent genetic damage.

Awwh, hell I am getting "preachy". Hate that. My God and my beliefs have made me the person I am today and it is an on-going process. I see God everywhere, in Nature and people, and animals. I also find it a positive and up-lifting experience. When I say, God help me, he does..to get through unbelievable pain...mental, emotional and physical. He also sings with humor, joy, beauty and laughter..my kid's laughter, a warm puppy on my lap, my husband's embrace, a friend's hello.

My God has a sense of humor..I think the Devil does too, but opposite. The kind of humor that is only funny because it hurts someone else. I think you know what I am talking about.

Will I call my own Dad tomorrow for Father's Day? *sigh, I don't know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. He tries very hard to keep any of the religious stuff out of the conversation. Otherwise, I'll say bye and hang up. He makes lame jokes which I laugh at, think Reader's Digest version. He will tell me about his medical problems, and my sister or brother's and their kids, maybe. He will get all choked up and tell me, he loves me and then get gruff and hand me over to my Mom. I do love them and I tell them so and mean it. They want/need to hear it, but wow, it is such a mess.

I also believe that this isn't the only dimension, or we that we are the only people in it. These are my opinions, and beliefs, I always welcome comments. I don't really want you to believe what I believe. eww! I want everyone to always question their own beliefs. I think God can handle it, and is waiting for us to.  I will talk about more another day..the Bible, Jesus Christ, Muhammed, Buddha, maybe...LOL. Awhh, Jack, really?.. fart, stinky puppy. Thanks for listening.

The song ends with, "am I very far now?(from God)" You feel it, hear it, know it.

Next Level-Next Step.

I am not sure how coherent I will be today, my mind is a messy jumble of I don't knows, what ifs and how abouts. It was a glorious two weeks with my hubby home. He left yesterday to go back to work. I know he will only be gone 4 days this time. Awhh, crap..I miss him. Both my kids and Jack, the black puppy miss him too. Some of this is his effect on me, he gives me a very necessary balance. My daughter sighed, "Dad's leaving? That means you will get mean, bossy, and sad." I told her I have been working on it...that is what my therapy is for. She informed me that I am doing better but, need to "up" my sessions. Thanks, Renee, I am laughing here. She keeps it real.

Jack is doing good. He still is a troublemaker, as always, but he manages to be so cute about it. He just brought his water bowl from outside. It was empty, as was the one inside as well. I refilled both, and he took a small drink, gave me a sniff and has laid back down again. If reincarnation is true, I really want to come back as a dog or a cat, with nice owners. I think their life would be so blissful and easier. I tortured Jack last night with a bath. He is so soft and smelling sweet. He is NOT going to be happy with his flea preventative, today. He is smart and runs away every time he sees it.


That Jack heals old wounds for me doesn't phase him at all. He's a dog, he lives and loves. I do wish he was a bit more of a mutt, I think that would have made him a bit less high-strung. My kids love, curse, play and ignore him. He can get mean and crazy. Renee has accused me of stealing him from her. Yeah, in a way she's right. They go hide and play their e-games and I was left to "deal" with him. I am his favorite, except.. Mark the hubby plays with him the best, they play their version of fetch and a few other games. Jack kisses up to him quite a bit. My girlfriend who will be coming to visit next weekend shamelessly spoils him by sneaking him food. He follows her everywhere. What a traitor. Yes, both of them.

I saw my GP today. Whew! The good news is my blood pressure is up in normal levels, again and my anemia has improved by 10 points. He gave me a referral to an OB/GYN surgeon and a script for physical therapy. I cancelled my heart appointment follow-up as they had already told me they hadn't found anything. SO?? I'll try the pt for my neck and shoulder. Maybe I'll try a chiropractor instead if it doesn't help. I am going to wait and see how my period goes. Other than that I am done being a medical guinea pig for awhile or a Zebra.

It is back to what works and doesn't. Cleaning up my diet again and adding more exercise is the first step. The second is to watch my stress levels. Third is my caffeine intake and monitoring my medicines and vitamins. Last is starting a quit smoking program. I'd like to try hypnosis again, but actually do it on a personal basis. Yeah, I know you have heard this song-and -dance before. I have finally accepted that a lot of my physical ailments stem from my mental dilemma's. Feeling good requires work and planning, at least for me. I have been here before and accomplished my goals.

Therapy, hmm.. i face a lot of challenges there. I am laughing though, today.. as having addictive personality disorder( that's my new term) I broke so many of the chemical dependencies so many years ago. My latest yearning for drugs and alcohol? I can say I'd rather not drink, then that I don't drink at all. This is probably not the way you are supposed to do it. But, for me ..when I give myself the choice I can honestly say, no thanks. When I try to force the iron band of no, my mind rebels and thinks of ways to prove that I should or could or how..makes no sense?? LOL, uh-huh. trust me, this is not the answer for anyone except maybe me.

I have lots to do and my first step is to charge my soul batteries, kiss my kid's, sneak up on my puppy with his  no-flea gunk and take a nap. TTYAL Thanks for listening , will write/vent sooner next time.

To my friend LKY, OMG! Prayers and love honey if you read this, I am very worried about you. Special prayers for Abby and Addison, two ICU babies fighting for their lives. All my other friends, you know who you are..keep going. You are all so amazing.

"We can do no great things, only small things with great love.--"Mother Teresa

 "The fear you have about being insignificant is a deception. As long as you have the courage to act, you will matter."

You all matter..somewhere, somehow, to somebody, and yourselves.