A Spoonful of Sugar..

It has not been a good week. It has been a very poor day today. I don't feel well. I haven't for a week, mostly my stomach. Now I have a cough, headache, chills and hot/cold flashes, plus nausea. I usually say, well, I have felt better. I have felt worse, so I'll keep it at that. Fudge!

I do swear, with real swear words and everything. I have been trying not to. My kids have picked up my habit. They don't even know what a lot of the words mean, but ouch! It does bother me. I try to keep my swear words for times that really really deserve a "bad" word. It makes it more effective. My therapist discussed my kids quite a bit this time.Yep, I am a 'sucky' parent. My words not his. He is much more positive.

My husband is actually worse than me as a parent, mostly. I am not being mean, he does agree. My kids, wow! It is amazing that they have turned out as well as they have, all things considered. My hubby is almost never home. When he is here, he is working on a project, and getting drunk. Then, he goes and crashes. He tries in his own way. For a while, he was overcompensating with guilt. He kept buying them more and more electronic toys and gizmo's. He does his sweet best in his own way. I just don't know.

The hardest part is him showing respect to me and not undermining the achievements we have accomplished or are working on. My kids will end up parroting everything he has said for weeks. Funny how they pick up on the stuff that really annoys me. I think it is a special talent. Jack moons around after he has left. The dog adores him. Though, I do admit I am Jack's favorite person. I am not sure when that happened, but it is true. *sigh. He really does stink. He is, of course, asleep on my legs right now.

I have so many things I'd like to say to this person or that person, but no. I need to stop this. I let the depression take control, then washed it down with booze and pills. Funny, I do know better. It made the depression, worse of course. It always does. I think that is so I have something else to berate myself later. It is an ugly cycle.

I am faced with a lot of choices of what I do next with my life. I can stay on the couch and cry on Facebook and this blog. I can get up and join something, anything, where I go out and meet some folks. I can't join AA, and not because alcohol isn't my favorite addiction. I avoid people right now, situations. I have isolated myself from the world some accidentally, some on purpose. Why?

Because I am a love/sex addict. I know that. I also know I have very little control right now. I have enough regrets, I don't need to add a heaping bunch of more. Hanging with alkies and drug addicts, LOL. I know I would fit in. I know if any of them fell off the wagon, so to speak.. I'd be there. It would also give me access to the men and drugs I crave from people who know and could/would prey on that weakness. Great.

I have stayed straight so many years by playing stupid. Avoiding situations where I could get "effed up" or hanging with people who did. I knew who did what drugs, who the players were and avoided them or made it a joke. After awhile, I was respectable and didn't have to worry about shite..plus. I am middle-aged now. I really don't have men or woman after me much anymore. I am really not "hot" and never was. I am too old for all that crap now. LOLOL.

Today, tomorrow..I hope I am feeling better. I see my surgeon on Monday. I need to make dentist appointments, grocery shop, pay a library fine, bring my son's immunization record to school. In other words, get back to my life. Other options, I don't know yet. One step at a time.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL.

‎"I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part." ~Shirley MacLaine

my family

She played a lot of different parts and had a great time. I do admire that. The title of this blog refers to a song from Mary Poppins.."A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Something very sweet to cover up the awful taste of something to make you feel better. Works for other things as well..

Oh what fools..duh.

I still feel like hell, this is why I say I don't drink. UGH! My hubby has been poking fun at me as he is an accomplished alcoholic. I had two Smirnoff's sour green apple malt beverages last night. That's it for the booze. I reminded my husband that I had already taken a 1/2 dose of pain meds and an anti-anxiety sleepy pill, a shot of benadryl, and heartburn medication. There is also the fact that I am now on 2 anti-depressants. Drug-free, my ass, I didn't even take this much shite when I was using every day. Of course then I would have upped everything till I wouldn't have known my own name if you asked me. Progress?

I could have really really done without the booze or pain-meds. I have my doubts about the anti-anxiety pills, they don't really calm me, just make me tired. The benadryl knocks me out and keeps me from itching..I had mosquito bites. The happy pills really do keep me from crying all the time. Why so much sadness? I don't really know, this is the stuff I try to talk to my therapist about. I admit I am frustrated with that a bit at the moment.

I have about three guys on my FB page I need to block. They annoy me. Hi beautiful, is the normal line..lolol. Are you serious? I haven't talked to any of them and won't. My other friends, two tragic deaths..people I didn't even know. I hurt for my friends knowing and feeling the pain they are in. I have three friends who are all expecting soon. Yeah! I am happy that one of my friends left her boyfriend, hopefully for good. I am hoping she is okay, she's strong, though. I have two friends who are engaged. They are so sweet.

There is more FB stuff, I am an addict remember? I feel besides my hangover's that last for days, like a fool. Repeating the mistakes I have done before, which means what? My one friend tells me that it means I am not ready for the next step. He is usually right. My other friend chastised me and suggested I break off contact. OK, I guess, I don't know. I am just so incredibly sad today. I haven't had a bowel movement in 4 days. I feel, on top of my hangover, like shit. I can't face another surgery, not now and nowhere in the immediate future. No more tests, no more BS.

Pity party? Pats On the back? What I need is the talking mirror that tells me I need to exercise, and eat right, pay attention to my kids, and gives encouragement. You are doing good not smoking, kudos for not eating that ice cream drumstick that you know will make you barf. LOL, some minions would be great, too. I am laughing at myself now, because that is what I do. It is what I have always done. I can get all serious and stupid but at a certain point. Good god, shut it already. Thanks for letting me whine about my life. I am including two pictures of Canyon Lake, AZ where we went for a boat ride today. TTYAL and have a wondrous day.

But God didn't put us here on earth just to feel good and enjoy ourselves.Craig Groeschel

No More, No More...

I have had a day. That is about it. The end of my blog? I am laughing out loud. (LOL) No, I talk/write/wonder way too much. I will try not to ramble.

I read a few on-line articles today, and some blogs. I also read part of the newspaper as they are STILL sending it to me daily. I got my kids off to school on time. I did some suduko's, took a shower, ate way too much chocolate. I cleaned bathrooms and did laundry. Which did turn out amusing. The cheap 99 cents rug I bought turned everything pink, oops! Since I was washing rugs and dog toys/items this isn't so bad. The dog's pillowcase kind of glows though. I also, took a shower, got dressed, and took the dog to the groomer's. Most of the above isn't in any particular order.

I also face-booked, sent a few messages and played back and forth on-and-off. I got a beautiful compliment from one of my reader/friends. That was sweet, a very big highlight of my day. I had a few laughs with friends, and left one voice mail and 1 text. I flirted with a few peeps I probably shouldn't have. I debated sending another message to either of my "stalkees". Crap, I have been doing better. I decided one was okay. He doesn't take me seriously anyway.

I drank way way too much coffee, regular and de-caf. It has left me somewhat nauseated. I have been jonesing for a smoke all "effin" day. The thing is I don't want one and then I do. I hate this. My hubby thoughtfully left 1 cigarette in his pack when he left for work. Thank God, it is menthol.  I have said this before, yuk. I have resisted this urge but it has made me crabby all day. I bought Dunkin' Donuts and only ate one. I am thankful for that victory.

Huh? To eat only one?  When I was a teen-ager, I loved donuts, Donut Express in New Lenox, oh yum! I was piling on the weight, so I did what I had done before with mixed results. I bought a whole dozen and forced myself to eat them all. I think I ended throwing up. Bonus, I could turn down donuts after that or only eat just one for years. Later in life when my stomach messed up and I was on my "no pain " diet. I couldn't eat even one. Anything fried went through me viciously and caused intense pain.

See the victory part? People who have never struggled with their weight don't understand any of this. People who can eat anything they want, don't understand it either. I have never been underweight. I had a friend who was. He was also a coke addict, which I didn't know for 5 years. I knew a few bulimics too. I was related to one. That never really appealed to me all that much. I  have vomited all my life from booze, drugs, pregnancies, surgeries, motion sickness and the "unknown" hernia. I have gotten really expert at it, but I have never done it on purpose. Dry heaves are the absolute worse, I refuse. I'll force down water instead.

Sorry, I got a bit off track. One of the stories was about being a "Debbie Downer". Crapola. That one hit home, I have been woeing way too much. That is too a word, okay, maybe not. I have given up so much crap in my life by choice. Because it made me stupid, sick or both. I didn't like who I was when I was using.  Whatever, OMG! I will be fine..really. I do need to get out more, have fun. Yep! My therapist would be nodding his head here. I am listening to my kids joke around with my hubby, their Dad. There is also a stayover friend of my son's here. The humor is at a 10-13 year old level. I have had one 1/4 tablet of my pain meds all day. Maybe I should take some more. Just kidding!

My levels have been to get healthy. Having fun and being with people needs to be part of that. I am very glad my husband is in AZ for the next couple of weeks. He has been told he will be going to a mine about five hours from here, after that. Yahoo! That is so much closer. He should be able to make it home for week-ends.

Thanks for listening, I have been writing this almost all day in bits and pieces. I am tired, I may have overdone a few things, but whatever. I may even sleep through the night again. Thank God! I smile, that would be amazing. TTYAL.


My quote for the day that I found amusing.

 Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. - Zen Proverb

tell me when to wake up.

Wow! I am in a mood. I am not even sure what to call it. I feel fine, some twinges from my scar. A few other things happening that I may talk about. All-and-all, though, I am feeling very good.

I guess I should talk about the things that have upset me first. I miss my mom-in-law already. She was awesome. Even though I am now taking back my spaces, *sigh. She was really good for Renee and Max both, my kids. They glowed talking with her. Even Jack the puppy has been down today.

I guess the other thing bothering me is that people think I am trying to become a saint or holy. Oh hell, no. Even with my mom-in-law it wasn't all happy times. I had a temper tantrum once, the kids had a few too. She called them spoiled brats, which they are. She was herself. We got really used to her though, very quickly. My hubby went back and forth. He loved the food, and having his mom to smoke and drink with. He enjoyed and sometimes resented being mothered, though. We will use the dishwasher tonight, she did them all by hand, daily. LOL.

Facebook today, had quite a few negative posts. I don't get those. If you don't like FB, stay off of it. Wow! My blog here, is optional...you don't have to read it. I am sincerely amazed that people do. Thank-you, I am trying to find my way to mental health. I think I am doing pretty good so far. I have had some ups-and -downs. I also have side tracks where I talk about what is going through my mind. I am an addict. There are different labels I have heard, from professionals to regular folks. I can list some of them if you would like. I'd really rather not though.

I talk to a therapist weekly. I am not always sure that it is helping me. I think back to where I was even six months ago. Wow! No, I have progressed. I have quit smoking, and just went through major surgery. I had a breakdown, you can call it mental or nervous or whatever. I am on prescription drugs for anxiety and depression. I am down to 1 pain med a day. I am just trying to figure out my life. I find that helping others helps me. I also talk too much. I can smile at this point.

I like hearing about other people's lives and how they face their big battles and little daily struggles also. I love to laugh, and joke. I also feel people's pain and suffering and do my best to help. I hear God in my own way and hope that other's find their own answers to that question. I hate fanatic's, stupidity, politics,  and most sports.

I love music, art, food, and quite a few other things. I don't lie very often or try not to. I have stolen things and try not to. I can be amazingly brilliant and dumb as a rock. Can I throw out any more cliches? Whatever. I feel duality in just about everything I do. It is very annoying. I question why a lot. Why me? Why now? What the hell? I really can't stop this.

My hubby is home. This really drops my stress level like a stone. I rely on him. He relies on me. We have been together for quite a few years. We fight, we crab. We make out. It is one of my addictions. I am trying to keep this in check. It is what it is.

My girlfriend's grandfather just recently passed away. It wasn't unexpected. Her second grandma, his wife had already passed. I haven't seen either of them in many many years, but I am crying at their loss, now. They invited me into their home at three different times. They adopted me and treated me as family. They were both beautiful and shining souls. I am thankful that they are now out of physical pain. My love and prayers to their family.

I didn't expect to be so emotional.

I am writing this because I feel compelled to write. It may be one of my addictions, or mental fantasies. So be it. It may also be my stab at cheap therapy or my claim to fame. I am not sure where my next level or step is. Getting physically well, mentally fitter, and spiritually, hmm. I do need to work on so many things. Finding a job that pays would be surplus, bonus, dessert..

Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

My quote for the day: While we are sleeping, angels have conversations with our souls. ~Author Unknown

OOPS!

The things we realize, looking back.  I am an addict, I say it, I know it. Somehow, I forget. I stopped the pain pills yesterday, I wasn't taking too many in fact, probably 1/2 of the recommended dosage. The shakes started tonight. Then the hot/colds.. CRAP!

My hubby looked over at me at one point and laughed. "Yep, you are shaking." I did a 1/2 dosage of the med tonight. I will do another 1/2 or quarter tomorrow. I have weaned myself off of drugs before. Being addicted to pain meds? This isn't any different. I did enjoy my buzz for awhile, I guess. "high hopes" anyone? LOL

My stomach hurts from laughing and the removal of 12 staples. Ewww! I still have this drain thing, it is a really long tube attached to my insides somehow and ends up in a plastic bottle. I pin it to my underwear. I also get to empty the liquid from it. Mark, my hubby can't look at any of this stuff. It totally grosses him out and makes him nauseous. My mother-in-law finds it all fascinating. I wish she had been there for the birth of my kids. She would have been way more useful. Sorry, honey.

She is incredible, she has done the cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry..I sleep.. and FB and I am not really sure what I am doing. I won't be able to drive till I get these pain meds completely out of my system. It is just going to take longer than I thought. 

I don't have any wise advice or even anything to say here other than "duh". I, of course, spaced off my niece's wedding. Congrats, honey. Nobody was really expecting me to show up. I am not very connected to either side of my family. FB has just recently opened some of those boundaries. My hubby is very close to his, while he lives as far away as he can. lol, I know. It doesn't make any sense to me either.

I am going to go upstairs soon, check on the kids and go to sleep. It is the week-end I may manage more than a couple of hours. There is laundry I need done, tomorrow. I am still not allowed to do anything. OK, I do know that I am a bit stuck on myself. It is a me.. me... me..thing. Yep! Since I can't sneak into other people's minds I have to stick with what I know. People do fascinate me though.

I am still shaking, and it is really getting annoying now. Good night everyone. Thanks for listening. TTYAL..

 

High Hopes..

Pain is a relative thing, really. I have physical pain right now. It can be very bad. As long as I don't move a certain way, it is okay. I have had my third and "final" hernia surgery. The surgeon wasn't very optimistic about not having another recurrence. Whatever. My body, my rules and the doc's have been wrong before, so wrong. Here's hoping!

My girlfriend, my hubby and the kids have all come to see me.  My girlfriend the most, it has been sweet. It is so boring being in a hospital. My hubby brought me my phone and lap-top. He had me hooked up to the inter-net. I kept getting a warning page from my web security. I thought this was a virus on my computer and kept trying to clean it up. OMG! My hubby finally undid all the damage I had done, and hooked me up again.. Yey! I love you, honey. I have been playing on Facebook ever since. It was so wow! I have had so many well-wishers, and all from peeps I care about.

I am tired, and coming off of some drugs. I stopped the morphine yesterday as it makes me so nauseated. I'd rather be in pain then be throwing up with abdominal stitches and in pain. This is going to be my biggest scar. Doesn't even phase me, the little drainage bag and tube coming out of it is "icky". I get to go home with that. "Joy", I say sarcastically. I have been on Oxycontin today, lol. It makes me just a bit spacey. Good thing I am not really doing anything. I am off of the machines and a lot of the hook-ups so I can walk around pretty freely. It is kind of excruciating to get up. Once I am up, ah.. not so bad, I just feel like a little old lady shuffling around. I still have an IV tube stuck in my arm too. Blah! I have, of course already blown one. My record is four. We shall see.

The only scary part right now is that I am full of gas and will need to go at some point. Aargh, after somebody has been playing around with your bowels the idea is very unpleasant. I will not get into the reality of it when it happens. No sense in worrying about it. I need more drugs here...

I kind of upset the nurses a bit, as I tend to do for myself.  They get used to me. I have really been in too many hospitals, too many times. I can do a lot for myself and I am very pro-active in my care. The non-smoking thing has been a big bonus. I have been hacking up some nastiness. LOL, sorry..my throat hurts from the "tube" they use, and coughing is such a bad idea. I love the coffee they are supplying me with. It soothes and relaxes my throat and opens my lungs. Of course, it did keep me awake most of the night.

Ok, enough already. I am not really sure what I am writing about here. For this page I guess it would be titled "Laura's Stay at the Hospital" or "Hernia Surgery and Repair Number 3". Blah...LOL. I am boring myself. I really do like the drugs. I don't care for some of the side effects, I am dizzy and as of now, hot and sweaty. That is not even in a fun kind of way. The nurse just pointed out that this could be a hot flash. OMG! yep..for sure..Shazbot.

I realize lately that I am "older" but I don't feel "old". Does this make any sense? I really don't remember it happening either, but then I do. OK. I am almost 50. WOW! The second half of my life now awaits. I would like to be able to just dump most of the emotional garbage from the first half and start over. I kind of am, in a way when I am writing this stuff..yeah for me.!!

I want to go home. Don't we all? The place we have made that is our haven, sanctuary, nest..whatever you want to call it. I also want to go home eventually to the place I think about. It really isn't heaven, just another place without any worries. The place I go to when I sleep, and dream and don't remember. Where you don't have a care in the world and you can let everything go and still be safe. It will be soon enough I am sure.

Dorothy got home from Oz by clicking her heels together. It was the part of the story where you say OH, ok. I think I have more to do than clicking or even wishing. Whew! But for now, today I am going to call it a day and say good night, tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening, TTYAL.

The title is from a little song.."she has high hopes...(repeat) she has ..high apple pie... in the sky, hopes...oops there goes another rubber tree plant..(repeat)...kerplop!" There is more to it, but if you have ever heard that song now it is repeting in your brain forever..sorry. LOLOL.

I am barely breathing...

I have missed you all. I am still smoke-free, it has been two weeks now. I am totally and completely exhausted. Non-smoking is supposes to give you energy and better breathing capability. LOL, I guess I read the memo wrong. I am beat...and have been having a harder time breathing. It feels like a weight on my chest for the most part. I do smell better in two ways. The smoke isn't in my clothes, hair, mouth. I also,  hmm..can smell other odors stronger and faster. But wowza! I am sooo tired.

I saw my surgeon and my hernia surgery is scheduled for next week. *sigh* This is operation #3, and it is going to be a mess. They don't know how much of the mesh has adhered to my bowels at this point. So, I may have a lot of bowel removed or none. I have given up so far on all my other symptoms. I am "normal"..yeah, right. The doctors can't figure it out and neither can I. I can't afford any more tests or specialists. No more Zebra's.

Do you understand why I haven't written? LOL, sorry. I have been very depressed again. Each and every day has been a battle to get up and get showered, dressed and do anything. I have been in a black pit and know it is stupid. There is nothing worse than feeling sorry for yourself. Knowing it, and what?? Slipping around and around in the muck of it and giving up..on the inside.

Is this just an addict thing? Shite!

I gave up smoking for a whole lot of reasons..one is so this damn surgery actually works. I also realize that once again I am out of a job/occupation. I have tried to deny this for years. I can't go back to waitressing, ever, or retail, or factory, or UPS. I have always had somewhat brutally physical jobs. There was good and bad things associated with each one. Now, hmmm...my body can't seem to take anything.

I feel useless.

Not that I am not needed. LOL.. I have dishes to do, laundry to wash, kids to ignore,(LOL) cooking, cleaning, shopping, the whole mom, wife, and pet-owner thing. Plus, I get guilt-trips too. I can spend so much, and not save anything at all and I am so not bringing any money in. Shazbot!

Whew! My hubby comes home Thursday, weird. My girlfriend is coming Monday, and the kids go back to school. My surgery is Wednesday.

Facebook has helped. I have friends I have talked to. My kids? Not so much, I am so frustrated today with them and the dog. I am...I am not even sure what the hell I am.

I have had another nap since writing all this. It does make a difference. I crave the smokes and don't. I want to get wasted, but don't. I have other addictions, fantasies that I am ignoring. I'd like to go eat a whole box of Dunkin Donuts, or hmm.. I really want to wallow and be crabby, this I do do a bit. LOL, sorry kids and hubby. Jack, the puppy doesn't take this personally. The kids?? It is still a 100 degrees outside, Max went to the mailbox for me and almost passed out. Renee has not been anywhere all day and refuses to do anything but sit in A/C and work on her computer art.

I am going to be okay. I know this isn't the way it is going to end for me. The only way it would is if I let my own stupidity get in the way of myself. Which is? Hello, Laura..mmhmm.. I am listening, Lord. I will knock this off and pay better attention to what is going on. My friend likes to say one day, one step at a time. For me today and for the last week, it has been a struggle of epic proportions that shouldn't have even made me blink. Hah! I have won this round so far.

For you, my readers..does any of this make sense to you? Not only that I am human, but so human and flawed at times? I think everyone has their struggles to stay sane and active and not let the darkness win. I may be the exception in that I write about it, and admit it. Or that it happens so often? *sigh. Thanks for listening as always. I need to remember that this is one of my strengths. It helps make me stronger to write it out. I feel better now than I have all day. I have coupons and groceries to get to..and more straws to buy.
Smoke-free and learning my "new" normal. Thanks.

don't forget to breathe..

"It is just another day..another day in paradise?" not quite. It isn't complete hell either. I just really am not excited about Sundays. Never ever liked them as a kid.  I worked most of them as an adult. Now, they just seem like a big, pointless nap day where stores close at weird hours and you have to watch what roads you take at what hours. You don't want to get stuck behind the "faithful" all leaving at the same time. When school starts for my kids, it is the night "BEFORE". Their stuff has to be ready for the next day.

I have quit smoking?  I HAVE QUIT SMOKING! It has been since last Tuesday. Yes, I did have a personal session with a hypnotherapist. This has not been a magical cure, more of an exercise of despair. Mornings are very hard, I can't seem to wake-up yet. Shazbot! I have different breathing techniques and I chew on a lot of straws. I also have a list of my top ten reasons to quit smoking. For anyone who knows me or has known me.. I have been at the minimum a 2 pack a day smoker since I was 13. My kids are very excited and helpful with this. You got to love them. They also have a visualization exercise they do with me. I suppose I will get over feeling so dizzy and tired. I hope soon.

I also hope to get the results of my blood work and pee test back this week. I want to just schedule the hernia surgery as soon as possible and get it over with. I am so tired of the back and forth. Hurry up and wait and all the lovely bills that have been arriving. Aaarrgh. If these last medical tests haven't shined some light on my "medical mystery Zebra status" I am done. I can't afford to invest any more money, time, or effort. It will be just time to deal with what is.

Abby update..I guess she is home and doing very well with her feeding tube. I have since heard she is a little over 2 months old and originally had less than a 25% chance of living when she was born. Go baby girl, my heart just smiles thinking of her.

Okay, I know I haven't written much, but I am exhausted. It has been a very rough week for me in more ways than one.
MY TOP TEN REASONS TO BE A NON-SMOKER:

1. Never have to buy smokes again, ever.(cost and hassle)
2. Have my time and energy for me, not smoking.
3. Breathe
4. Feel better
5. Smell better
6. Have control
7. Stay alive longer
8. Make me happy to succeed.
9. Make my kids, hubby, friends very happy
10. I said I would, somehow.

I did cheat this morning and had a drag from an e-cigarette. It isn't the end of the world but back to pretzels and straws. Good luck and TTYAL..got to go.

I'll get some energy soon and write some more..yawn! love ya!

Rainy Days and Mondays..always make me High.

The depression is taking over today. I am fighting against it and trying to stay afloat. I was in the pool holding onto a swim noodle. My feet weren't touching and the current just kept swirling me around slowly in a circle. A different viewpoint and thought for every 1/4 or 1/8 turn. I could look at the sky and realize my face was burning. Or put the back of my head in the water and not listen to a sound except underwater gurgle. Awh gheeze. I am so tired.

Getting up, putting on dry clothes, perhaps will help. Tears are for fools and babies and I have been foolish long enough. Time to grow up? I wish.

Yesterday, today, the next..it is hitting hard. Different activities keep it at bay for awhile. Then I am caught up in it, again. Knowing it is so stupid. Trying so hard not to show it to the world, or my kids. The kids know, the puppy knows, the sadness and tears  have taken over. I have so many regrets, not of the past as much as the present. What the eff am I doing here?

It is beyond hot, dusty and humid as well, today. I don't miss the Mid-west cold, snow and ice or mosquitos and biting ladybugs. I miss rain, the green, shade, Spring and Fall...raspberries and fireflies. My plants, flowers, and friends, even though I was lonely there too. Not as much, I had more alternatives. OMG! Please help me Lord. I am so sad and the tears don't fade and the pain hurts.

My hubby is on his way home tomorrow, I talk to my therapist too. My daughter, held me up. She's been there in the darkness too. I should be helping her, not the other way around. Or maybe this is the way it was supposed to happen, right now. She sees my pain, too.

My hubby promised he'd get transferred, find a new job, be home by the end of July/August. With all my new medical bills, he decided he has to stay on until the Christmas bonus in December. He will be able to come home for my surgery. He counts that as an answer.

I have reached my limit and beyond.

This is not the end of it, though.

Since my last mental breakdown, I have been slowly getting myself back together. I have done this before more times than I want to admit. This part makes people uncomfortable. They can handle the pain of depression, or the jitters of anxiety. Facing the thought of more than one person inside yourself is the topic of comedian's jokes. We laugh about things we are scared of. Sit-coms finding the " psycho/serial murderer", "Sybil", or the "Three Faces of Eve" is what flashes through people's heads. I am not a schizophrenic or have true multiple personalities, which is extremely rare. A very very small percentage of them are violent to others or are capable of what those shows portray. Most are locked inside themselves with no way out.

I am not "normal" either. LOL

As a child in Lockport, Il I was held down by a group of kids, kindergarteners who were my own age. They had been my friends, one girl and two boys. I had lied and said I had a belly-button telephone. I refused to admit that I lied or show them the proof. On the way home from school, they chased me, caught me and held me down on the ground while they pulled my clothes up and down. The boys were shocked at my privates, my ex-girl friend less so. They were even more unhappy about the lack of a phone. They left and I pulled myself together and went home crying. Where I got in trouble from my mom for being late from school and with dirty hair and clothes. We were late for church, and it was all my fault. I did not tell anyone, didn't talk to anyone.

I started learning about survival. The books I devoured all had hero's who were brave or scared but kept going. I, at first, had my sister as my shield. When she couldn't be there I learned to find a personality trait that could help me make it through. Being shy, funny, outrageous, quiet..when I got older I learned how to use my wit and brains and point out people's weaknesses. I could be cruel. I learned that honesty was a double-edged sword that can cut both ways. I learned eventually that kindness hurts more than meanness. Being ignored or invisible was okay, as long as I could get away with something. I got a lot of other people in trouble, mostly in class. It was a blast for me, not the trouble part but having fun with them.

All my lives were separate. There was family life, there was church, there was school in the classroom, during recess and on the bus. There was the neighborhood, and there was my imagination and my books. I could be whoever, whenever, wherever. When I was afraid or unsure, I could let the hero part take over, when I was bored, I became the instigator, when I was hurt, I could play the victim. I learned that looks really do matter and girls/ woman were treated differently. Sex could be a weapon. Drugs and alcohol were another separate life. Most all of this was unintentional, it  just happened.

In high school theater, I got small speaking roles. I loved it! To become someone else entirely and the friends I made there were incredible. Smart, fun, wacky..it was another world I could fit into.

When I started waitressing, I learned how to have a front mask. The more true I could make it the more money I made. I learned how to re-make myself, it wasn't always pretty at first, but I could pull myself together and keep moving on.

I can do the same now, except this time I am facing my terrors and fears. They say when you are using you are halted developmentally at that age. I am back at thirteen, aargh(!) with the experience of twenty more plus years. The hormone overload I have been in is a reverse of that past time. I am still dealing with a "crush" on someone. It comes complete with emotional ups, downs, corniness and total "adult" embarassment. My friends tell me that these "rides" will be gone after my hysterectomy. Yey! and Thank GOD!

Today is a new dawn, soon. It is raining in the desert. Monsoon season has begun. I love the rain and energy. For me there is always hope on the horizon, staying clean, sticking with reality and taking care of my responsibilities as a parent, wife, house and dog owner. My FB friends give me so much support.

There isn't any right or wrong answers here. Finding a level I am comfortable with and facing another one, that isn't easy with a new twist. Keep going my friends and enjoy the journey. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

from  Jackie Papandrew, author of Airing My Dirty Laundry:  "I'm not in denial, I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."

I am the Year, Day and Hour of the Dragon.

Knowing

Simply Positive
" Staying positive & optimistic despite constant chaos, busy life, drama, sickness, pain, & issues is mental WORK! The tougher your life at the moment, the MORE you need to make it a daily priority to constantly focus on controlling your thoughts AND creating constant new positive ones to deflect the negative ones. You need to outweigh EACH negative thought w/ a positive one. EACH one. Balance thoughts. :)"

yeah, okay.

I am laughing here. I know I am not the only one. My thoughts are constantly swirling. Some surface and can be very negative, others are extremely positive. Most of them, can go one way or the other. As an addict, the goal was to drug, drown or kill this chaos of thought and emotion. Let the good times out, sometimes, and feel no pain or ecstasy and then numbness. Losing all control of mind, body and spirit so you didn't have to be accountable for anything you said or did.

I do miss it sometimes, crave it at others. I have enough experience now to know I don't always like the beast that emerges. I hate losing my control or balance now. I don't care for the aftereffects, I hold myself accountable for my own self. I like sober, straight me way better...for the most part. It gets boring and tedious too, work. LOL, that is when I know I am brooding again. Humor is a kind of gravy through this whole mix. Friends and family add spice, insights and glue. They help me hold myself together.

I am exhausted. I am trying to convince myself that I'm not. Mind over matter, but I am really really tired. (yawn). I have an hour to kill before my daughter's piano lesson. I don't think I can stay for the 1/2 hour. The teacher has two litters of beagle puppies. They are beyond cute, but with the temps in the 100+ range, they can't stay outside. The house reeks of bleach, throw-up, dog doo and pee. She has them in two plastic wading pools that she cleans three times a day. Way, way too much work for me. Times are hard, you do what you have to do. She sells them to good homes and makes a small profit.

I have to feed the kids then, we will be going out. I should have gone grocery shopping on Tues, Wed or today. Now I have my CT tomorrow morning.

I am not excited about this, this will be my fourth one in the last 10 years. Some people get claustrophobic, I just hate the cost and time of it. It takes forever. I'll be there, I am figuring about 5 hours or so. The medical staff will have me fill out paperwork that I have filled out a 100 times and then don't read it. I swear. Or they find one thing to repeat over and over again...the one time was about allergies. I had 7-10 different nurses ask me what my allergies were once while waiting for a surgery. I got grumpy and then got yelled at. I think if  just one of them had listened to my answer, and wrote it down it would have been cool.

I am being a whiny butt. LOL. I know I am a bit of a hypochondriac. Really, I do.  I  also think I have had more than my fair share of misdiagnosis errors, medical mistakes, and weird diseases or syndromes. I busted the pharmacy tonight, I went for my re-fill they called me for. Which one is it? The one I don't take anymore. When I informed him of that, he realized that they have been issuing two anti-depressants that don't mix. "You realize you can't take those together?" He was shaken and should be. I worked in a pharmacy, you are liable for stupid errors like that. I am so glad I can read and question things.

I had one of my fb friends call a girl a whore tonight for admitting to using birth control. Wow, I am still stunned and I shouldn't be. I did point out that birth control is prescribed to girls for reasons other than to prevent pregnancy from having sex. It really isn't the point though. I have been there and done that and been called that and a few other not-so-nice judgemental labels. I have to say that the people, guys and girls who called me this were either worse than me..or somewhere in their mind wanted to be. They had at some point in their life labeled that kind of behavior as taboo or a sin, and judged. Jesus didn't. He wept. I don't think it was because of promiscuity. It was because people were closed off to his message and his sacrifice.

I admit here I am not a true Christian and most likely never will be. I am one he weeps for or hopes for. I honor a lot of his teaching. I read the New Testament and a lot of the old. Is he the Son of God? Hmm..maybe, is that what is important? Who his dad was? He did change the world for good and evil. I have quite a few friends who are true Christians and devout, they are awesome people that I respect. Their faith inspires them to be better people, and they live it. I love them. Some other folks use their religion as a shield or wall to hide behind. They profess, and preach and are almost complete a-holes to everyone around them except the few who agree with everything they say. The holier-than-thou types, you know who I mean. Ugh. I avoid them, and try not to judge, really.

My one friend laughed at me and said,"Laura, you really can't start a religion of one." Sure I can, it is what it is. I found my God and continually work on this relationship. I am still more of a sinner than a saint, but I do have my moments. I have doubts, not that God is, but what his plan for me is. I know he is laughing. I laugh, sometimes, when I get the joke, too.

I am more worried about my kids tomorrow then me. I wish my hubby was home. I have been through all my CT's before, not quite alone, but never with someone. I have also had temper tantrums and took out my own IV's twice. Yuk, they are longer than you think. I also have had four IV's..um, don't know the technical term, swell my whole arm or hand vein up and explode all over the place. I have been overdosed with the wrong medicine, a whole bag of Magnesium, that one was awful. I almost had the wrong hand operated on. LOLOL. There is more. Another time perhaps?

I had to cut a part here for reasons out of my control...if you did read this before Thank You! Another time and place, it is still good and forever in my heart..knowing that you don't appreciate what you have in life until it is either threatened or somebody else shows you how by example.

First rule: Never let 'em change you. Rule 2: Do you. To the fullest. And never be ashamed to.

From my friend Tommy V, not sure where he got it. Thanks! Working on rule #2. The only person who can truly change you is you. Live, love, and be loved. It is out there.

Thanks for listening, ttyal.

Hug who? Hug Me...thanks.

After dithering around most of the morning, I realized I HAVE to write today and now. Otherwise, it will keep turning circles around in my head and I won't get anything done.

I finished Waiter Rant by Steve Dublanica...wow. It was an excellent book and hit home in so many ways for me. Being a server for so many years, we both have a lot of similar thoughts and ideas. He was upper-class dining, and well, I was at Denny's and one Greek-owned restaurant for a small time. The book was bitter-sweet for me, some parts funny. The sadness I understand all too well. Thanks for the present, GF!

When my sister-in-law started waiting tables, I laughed and told her, "Welcome to my world." She was in Iowa and I was in Wisconsin at the time. When she did give it up, she told me, "Laura, the money can be great, and the people you work with and the customers can be awesome, but it is just too damn fucking hard, I can't work in your world anymore." I didn't think less of her for that comment. I actually respected her more. It is brutal, not just the physical and mental part of the job, but the emotional. You see and deal with the worst and best of humanity. It takes a toll.

I also went to see Transformers, The Dark Side of the Moon. It was an awesome action movie, some of the violence was overdone and I liked the old girlfriend better. The soundtrack, hmm..liked # 2 better by Linken Park..sorry guys. No, I didn't watch it in 3-D either, gives me a headache. I did like it, though their was a groaner moment with Leonard Nimoy. I am not a spoiler..LOL you have to see the movie for yourself. The book above and the movie hit home the fact that we are all struggling. We all want to make a difference in the world for good or evil. I think the worse epitaph for a life would be, "well, nobody is going to miss this one, one way or another." OUCH!

On the more positive side, I think people do make a difference more than they ever realize. Not by saving the world in a action-packed extravaganza, but in small or bigger thoughtful ways every day. A lot of the times we are not aware of our impact or footprint. Sometimes we get a thank-you, and it feels wonderful. Most of the time, you have to pat your own back and own up to your own successes. Yes, some people carry this to the extreme. We all know a few like these..LOL. The majority though, hmmm..no.

We were all given talents, not just one. There is the biblical story which I am not going to discuss. That has  been discussed ad nauseum. LOL.. I am completely amazed by what people can do, when they put their minds, souls, spirits, intellect, etc. into it. Incredible. I am even more stunned by how big/little the world is. There is so many many people out there, and we all inter-connect and are bound to earth by the same force of gravity. Yeah, wise-guys..not astronauts in the space station, snort. Even for them it takes a massive amount of energy to get them there.

There was a short story I read once, might have been Heinlein..fuzzy brain. In it the astronauts, once they were past the gravitational pull, basically lost an invisible alien presence..the evil force of which was what caused the human race to destroy itself. The sad part was they all weeped as they re-entered the atmosphere, knowing they wouldn't remember being angels/fully human and once again being re-infected and weighed down. The story reminds me now of addiction.

My therapist and I have finally come to the conclusion that I will never give up facebook, or blogging at this time. The thing as an addict is for me to control how much I let it control me. If it is taking over my life, which it has..I have to balance it out with the "real" world. Hard? LOL, yeah..as I realize I have no control. I can't leave this in God's hands either. He/she helps..but it comes down to plans, physical limitations like timers and having my children/ hubby and friends keeping me grounded. I can become addicted to anything. LOL, though I always point out here, housework and exercise have so far eluded this trap.

I miss work, and my friends..money has been tight. I am also having medical issues.. still don't want to talk about them much. I hate whining. I did find one great doctor and am hoping the next one will be OK. I am trying to schedule a hysterectomy and hernia repair for the same time. Doctor's don't take orders, so I have to get them to think this is all either their idea or at least go with it. *sigh. Next up will be insurance, paying for it all and recuperation time. Then maybe we can see if my blood pressure mellows out, or my headaches disappear, and dentists? OH HELL..when it rains it pours. I am thankful to be alive to complain about it. Other's have not been so lucky or have worse things then I do. They are part of my "special" prayers.

Time to enjoy the Arizona sun. I am being so, I don't even know. It is beyond awful hot outside, it is 109F and muggy with a fierce gusty wind that is like a blast from a furnace. I call it the convection-oven effect. I am going to drive to the store for a few minimal things and then come home and swim. Then take a shower, and nap. My fair-skin being what it is, even with 50+ sunblock I can't stay in direct sunlight for very long. I will talk about THAT and sunburn/tanning another day. I LOVE air-conditioing though going back and forth from the heat to the cool inside makes me dizzy and nauseous. BLLch. I dream of being a snowbird during the summer here. There is way weird people I know who love these temps..actually they are way cool. I just have to tease them a bit.

On this day, God wants you to know

... "that acceptance brings peace. Accept your own beauty and your limitations. No sense in trying to be who you are not."

My FB message today, I am hoping they don't mind me reprinting it. Good level for today, pat yourself on the back and hug yourself. You are who you are, be happy in the moment for no other reason that you are you and you are alive, right now. Then go forward from there. Thanks for listening, TTYAL. Love ya!

"I Don't Like Monday's"

I am proud of myself today, to a certain point. Always have to have those qualifiers...it's okay. LOL, I am thinking it is what makes me interesting. I dropped my brother off at the airport today. I am going to miss him. It was a visit that was 20 years past due. He is and always was amazing. Geoff is the oldest and I am the youngest, though my mom miscarried at one time. Gordon or George would have been my younger brother. I wish, and then again, no. He didn't even get a chance to breathe, but ended up in a better place.

The proud part was that I am getting very good at navigating the Arizona freeway system. For someone who has no sense of direction and a fuzzy brain this is a major bonus. Yey! I only had one panic attack last night on a ramp. Damn vertigo! It makes no sense, my fear of heights, bridges, curvy roads. It features in my dreams quite often. I am driving on a road that leads up and up and up..then I am on the top looking down. Sometimes there are bridges, usually there are more windy roads that loop around. I suppose there may be a choice, but the fear wakes me up. Aaargh!

In real life, the fear is even stronger. It hits me..at the most inopportune times. It makes me feel a bit trapped here knowing I can't drive through mountains. I've tried..so not good. I am disgusted with this, even though I try to give myself a break. How many phobia's can one person have? My favorite author in one of his books pointed out that those who have been "mind-raped" suffer with irrational fears, phobia's, etc. that may never go away. LOL, since he is a "fictional" writer I am hoping for better.

Completely off topic, to my friend and fellow SA and Fb addict, I am sorry. What I said to you was wrong. I know it, you know it. I am not a counselor. I am in the same boat, sorry, I rocked it. I am glad you are doing better with FB, and hope you are doing better with other things as well. We are what we are..but we can get better. I do miss chatting with you. Whew! My brother wasn't even phased by any of my addictions or any other shocking revelations. The fact that I am non-political and have only voted once..LOL. I am very glad he is still speaking to me.

My hubby comes home tomorrow. YES!

Other things..my car is still smoke-free. (*sigh) This has been a major challenge for me. I know I missed my quit day. I am a big squawky chicken. I have another plan, but am not ready to share it yet.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength"

This was posted by a friend of mine, who can be very wise for someone so young. LOL..he said he never had a stalker before. No, I am being good. It does hurt, this fight. But I have won before. I am trying to break free of all the habits and fears that have me trapped. One step at a time..

My level..what is yours? What are your fears and how do you face them? How do you help other's with theirs? These are just questions..there are no right or wrong answers. I would be the last person to judge...as in not my job, desire, or life-purpose.

"tell me why? I don't like Mondays..." It is a song by the Boomtown Rats that was inspired by a girl  who
went on a shooting spree.. at the school across the street. This makes me cry inside. More fuel I guess...the world CAN be a better place. I have to believe that. I still love Monday's.

From One Friend to Another

Trying to narrow down what I am going to write about is the hard part. I have so many random thoughts flying around in my head. They fly around with others and collide, my mind is a very busy place to be at times. I like when it just becomes a pleasant hum.

From last night, for a friend in need, relax...take a deep breath and let it out. I didn't answer you back because of anything you have done wrong. I am just very worried that I may inadvertently hurt you. Whoever said that the truth shall set you free was a righteous jerk. The acceptance will release an unbelievable burden you have carried. The first step. When you are facing or even questioning the truth of yourself at its core, it can be..

I don't have the right words.

For me admitting I was a sex/love addict was undeniable. It also blew my mind, shattered it..

You can understand my caution. I am what I am. Thankfully the pieces are fitting back together better than before. I am seeing the how, when, why, who, and even where of me. Scary stuff my friends...lol. I can wish that I figured this out differently. Easy to cry about the what ifs. I survived.

I wish better than that for others. For me, the past was my answer. My reaction to the present was the final key. Sex/love addicts aren't born, they are made. They are survivors of childhood/ adolescent trauma and/or abuse which can have been emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual or all of the above. I think it gives us credit that we choose love, instead of hate. Flip of the switch, I could have ended up as a psychopath, emotionally dead. Instead, I became the opposite...loving and feeling to the extreme.

I almost always feel a current running through my body, and its sexual. It is usually low-key, but I can excite it, turn up the amps. I can also turn it off usually..20 some years of unintentional control taught me a lot. Drugs, alcohol and too much stimulus can completely overwhelm that. I try not to put myself in situations where I would be compromised. I know alcoholics and drug users that can go to bars and be with partiers and be cool. I'm an old newbie. I know better for now.

My addiction speaks to me constantly in different ways. Why not? or this would be okay or this would be awesome..it is an ongoing negotiation. Why so many problems now? I lost one outlet through work. Dealing with people every day, flirting with customers and co-workers, it was a healthy outlet and part of my job. Most addicts like me are in customer service, business, sales, entertainment industries, from dancers, musicians, athletes, newscasters, politicians, prostitutes, drug-dealers, lawyers, doctors, nurses..etc.

My belief in the sanctity of my marriage had bolstered me. With my husband being away so much and other mistakes..another support was lost. Moving away from all my friends and comforts was another support gone missing. I went into a severe depression and then found Face book. I became an addict of it quickly and still am. I still have to put limits on what I say and do. With the right plan, work, therapy and rules, I will also be able to work on this newest addiction.

The next step? I pray, I take help and guidance from many sources, my husband and I are closer now than we have ever been. If you are struggling with something in your life that has taken over. Talk to someone, me, your partner, a therapist, a friend, a minister, there's a lot of different places that will help.

"You are not alone..and there is hope."

 Some of this I have said before, some is new. My obsessive mind serves me well at times, I am a reader, writer, artist, musician, humorist, gourmet, lover of life and novel ideas. I am going outside now to feel some sun. TTYAL..thanks for listening.

To Beer, or not to Beer..

Sometimes I know or have some general idea of what I am going to write about. Tonight? No. I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my brain that it is hard to latch on to just one.

Yesterday was such a great day, and then it nose-dived. I accepted a beer from a friend, knowing full well that I wanted it and didn't want it at the same time. I drink so rarely that yes, one beer does affect me a bit. It doesn't help that the prescription meds I am on aren't supposed to be mixed with alcohol. That part of it doesn't worry me that greatly. I've used and abused a lot of "mixes". I also watched my husband mix Vicodin and beer for years. I find it amusing in a sad way that he doesn't remember this or how hard it was for him to break that habit. The bad part is I am now buzzed and all the little stinging bee thoughts come circling around.

The choices come next, who, what, where, when and how. I am alone as usual, I talk to my God and it helps. I talk to a friend, and keep my control which helps a small bit more. I do not go over and ask for more dark beer..whew! I do not go over and flirt with married men who like to see me drunk and whose wives are not home. My own husband is asleep or passed out. I don't like my hubby's beer, blcch. I also know I do not want to mix beer with any of the alcohol I have in stock. So, I am staying home, I am not going to get drunk. I have children to wake up to take care of in the morning. I up one of my prescription meds..I am only on 1/2 dosages. I have "permission" from the doc for this..if I need to sleep he says take a whole pill. I eye up the whole bottle...no, Renee and Max. My kids and my former job taught me this small control for many years. I am an adult, I have a choice.

I wake up at 5 am with a small headache and later I take a picture of the dawn and post it on Face book. A new day, a new sunrise..

I haven't blogged for a few days as I was struggling with why I am writing this. My motives are selfish, this is my therapy and is way cheaper than my therapist... lol. Though I am going to start printing it for him. If someone else finds help or a new understanding from my words, awesome! That I have reader's excites me and humbles me at the same time.

My next level? I made it through another day, and another..there is good and bad things that happened in both. Sometimes, all that you can manage is one day. It is okay, I am not superwoman.  Sometimes it comes down to a yes or no and eliminating all the maybes. I hope and pray for the someday that this is not even a struggle or if it is a thought, I can laugh about it. I have been there before, I will find it again.TTYAL Thanks for reading.

WTH? ..OHhh..

I figured out today I was angry. No, not at the whole world just bits of it. Angry that I fell way short of my personal goals today. I face-booked almost all day..it isn't a waste like playing solitaire all day/night. That was so last year..lol.

I am trying to put a positive spin on it, and then work on improving it tomorrow. This is what I do. I can't let myself wallow, or obsess, or whip myself. It is a wrong turn that doesn't end anywhere I want to be, because I've been there before. "Familiarity can bring comfort, or breed contempt." We have all backed ourselves into a hole before, or painted ourselves into a corner. that's just life. Staying in the corner or falling down the hole, over and over again. WTH! Ohh..duh.

I told a friend that being an alcoholic would be easier..I was wrong. Being an addict of any kind trying to recover isn't remotely easy. It is ok sometimes, then thoughts sneak in, and other thoughts and pretty soon you have a plan of action. Which has convinced you, however flimsy the reasoning that you need/have to go back to your "candy". With mind-altering chemicals, the excuses get sadder and sadder...it doesn't take a whole lot to believe your truth. At the risk of everything, life-and-health, self-respect, love, morals(?)..you get your fix, somehow. WTH! Ohh.."eff'''this is sad.

I am not a normal addict, or maybe that isn't right. I am an addict, I denied it..ran away from it. then proved to myself and whoever that I wasn't one. I was devoted to my husband..became addicted to work, friends/family and then kids...with other minor obsessions or passions. I found "God" my version, one that I didn't talk about. I find it deeply personal as my God is part of me. I have had so many now from FB question how I believe and what I believe, even my therapist. WTH! Um..no.

Maybe they are right and my psyche is so damaged that I can't have the faith they do, or as was also suggested that I need to find a better "God" or that my "God" wasn't true or maybe even the devil?? WTH..my god, your god, they are all the same god and how you worship him is your business. If it makes you a better person, than I respect your beliefs. If you are an atheist and a great human being, I respect your beliefs too, Hindu, Buddhist, Baptist..etc. I also know we are human and make mistakes..all of us. LOL..yep!

The next level? Give everyone not your preachings, but your example..how you live, love and make mistakes...and/or succeed. I am working on mine. It wasn't a great day, but it is now done. Tomorrow I will do better.

"In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true."

~Buddha

Have a great day..or night..TTYAL..

But...

I have been thinking a lot these past couple of days. Talked with my therapist today, which made me very shaky at first, but then made things better. I reached a better understanding with one friend and am trying to make amends with another. The rule with that is "first do no harm"..to me or my friend. *sigh. I feel a bit hypocritical as I have ended up blocking everyone on Face Book who is overly political...or posts too much. I post too much...and politics gives me a headache.

The next part is difficult, being who I am has given me a dangerous attitude throughout life. I almost always feel like I should be an exception to the rule(s). I often am..but..

Yeah, that doesn't always fly.  It only worked partially for school. High school senior year I managed to ditch 90% or more of and still graduated. I got slapped on the wrist, flunked gym which was based on attendance...so had to make up a Tennis class at the Junior college. I cheated on every drawing in drafting class by copying somebody else's and handing it in late. I was so clueless in that class. Thanks forever, Bob! I passed all my other classes with a B or better. I wasn't allowed to go to graduation, and I got my one and only detention my last week of school. I was furious at the time..it was so unfair.

It didn't work for college at all. I have been to 4 schools, DeVry was the longest, and I still don't have any kind of degree whatsoever. I also owe a small fortune on student loans. But..

Here I have to laugh and point out... If I hadn't spent so much time flirting in the smoker's lounge.. I wouldn't have met my future husband. LOLOL..my DeVry "friends" at the time all despised him..I don't even remember most of their names now. With my party friends it was harder. When I broke up with him they forgave me for spending so much time with him. I really had missed them too. When me and Mark did get back together and moved to WI. I missed them so much, it broke my heart. But, I couldn't live the life anymore.

Retail work sucks..you are either ignored, harassed, or both..and that is from your bosses. Customer's..LOLOL.(yep, you are always right) You don't get paid very much either...and a discount just makes you spend more where you work at...and the benefits are total crap. There is no but here..that is what it is. Even though they keep raising minimum wage, you don't make enough to barely buy groceries, let alone pay rent, or anything else. Heaven forbid you have medical expenses..which I did.

But..

Yeah, I started having problems with my hands when I was a kid. Got worse when I was in high school, and severe when I worked in a factory. They swelled, they hurt, they went numb with pins-and-needles. DeVry and UPS took the final toll. I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel and ended up with surgery on my right hand when I was 24 or 25..my hands and feet (tarsal tunnel) *sigh, there is no cure.

My digestive system has had problems since I don't know when gas, bloating , constipation, diarrhea, pain. I would get severe attacks  occasionally in my right lower quadrant and start throwing up. I had my first colonoscopy when I was 19. The diagnosis was non-ulcerative colitis. This is now called IBS..irritable bowel syndrome..in my dad's time it was called spastic colon. There is no cure as they don't know what causes it. Some things make it worse, fried foods, caffeine, nicotine, stress. Most doctor's believe it is all psychological. I think they are 1/2 right.

I went back to waitressing for 3 years then went into management. By this time I ate very healthy, rarely drank, no dairy, and I had gone off birth control.

Renee's birth almost killed me and has given me nightmares that will last forever. I had toxemia..and then was given an accidental massive overdose of magnesium.

Max, I ended up with gestational diabetes...was on insulin and a severe diet.

The stomach pain got worse after that, ended up in the hospital twice. It was almost always on the weekend..I had lost almost 80 lbs in 4 years as I couldn't eat without fear.

I found my "God" flat on my back when the pain was so unbearable and there was nothing I could do but get through it. I would pray and cry and throw-up and finally I would feel this excruciating glitch inside and I would know I'd made it again...till the next time.

I started throwing up having another attack and I couldn't stop..went to my regular docs and they found the hernia. Hernia's are common, the location of mine is not. It is called a spigelian. I had emergency surgery/appendectomy..it failed within the first month. I had my 2nd surgery 8 months later..it also has failed. My attacks are less now, I haven't waitressed in 2 years. The hernia that plays graboid with my intestines, could have killed me any time. According to the doctors, once it incarcerates, the only solution is surgery otherwise gangrene sets in, which is fatal in less than 8 hours. I lost count on how many times..20 years worth.

But,

Most girls with my addiction end up as hookers, or married/single with multiple unhappy affairs. I didn't have too much desire being sick as I was for so long..God's plan? It saved me, but I still think he is a bit of a jerk. LOL

The next level? I found my own answer with my God, and he has put me on a path. I still resist this. LOL Everyone needs to find their own answers. My God is your god however you believe or don't..whatever higher power you are looking for..it is there and always has been.

But,

I have found I can be the exception to the rules, but only if I do the work first. There is no magic cure..doctors, parents, teachers, ministers, therapists,etc. are all people first. My hero's? The people who inspire me are all my friends who keep at it every day playing, winning the game of life. No but's.

Thanks for listening..TTYAL..have a wondrous day.

What's For Dinner?

It is past the time I should be planning something for dinner. I don't care today..LOL. I will try to keep this light and cheery, but probably won't happen. Hopefully I will end up on a positive note.

I am angry today, pissed off, ticked, furious..emotions just raging to the roof and beyond. I am somewhat sick, have been running a fever on and off..slept through most of my morning. Everything is irritating me. My kids are sick also, and have been home all day. They slept most of the morning and woke up for lunch. Which ended up me making PB&J ...and ham for me..which, of course, my daughter had to have part of my  sandwich. I have to remind them to clean up their plates. Sigh, Mommy mode..listening to them practise bells, an electric piano and a percussion drum..oh hell no! done.

Making appointments, Renee's new counselor..of course she will have to miss school..great. Talking to the assistant's machine, yes the doc gave me a referral for a heart doc..and I lost the paper..call me?
Oops, wrong number..click., on-line rebate has expired while my printer took a dump..50 dollars out now..ouch! Talking to the pharmacy's machine, oops got 1 re-fill, have to go through the whole menu for another one.(*sigh) Insurance on line plan..oh hell I give up reading this crap..call me and tell me what form and how much it covers..therapy may be over sooner than next week. I hate talking on the phone, unless it is with a friend about something that actually matters. I only talked to one real person through that whole process.

This is my life...and today it sucks. The anger? I am mad that my kids are sick, mad that I am too..mad that I have friends who have small sicknesses like me and the kids today. I am even madder and sadder that some of them have cancer, or diabetes, or are facing death or other diseases/injuries. I am so mad that they have to endure pain/suffering, medical mysteries personally or for their loved ones. The best I can do is pray for them and send kind words. It just sure doesn't seem adequate.

Anger that I am stuck here, in a house that never want to clean itself and grows weeds in its rocks. That plants here die without a crazy watering system...that costs money and is easy to screw up. The weeds have it figured out...they thrive. I am so angry that I have no place to go, and no one to talk to in person. I have burdened enough of my fb friends with my issues, they have real lives and more normality. I am so not normal, never have been, never will be. I am a weed...a prickly, thorny Arizona one now...that will ooze sap if you try to pull it and make you bleed if you don't have gloves and will re-grow after you do anyway. Hah!

I want to run away(where?) or get messed up(with what?) been there, done that..knowing the next morning always comes. I am fed up with letting my obsessions rule me..no contact..my choice, not as some strange threat from someone who wants the whole world as a friend. But, who doesn't really have any idea how to be one. Am I crazy? Oh hell yeah, way off the deep end sometimes. But, it is now my choice to choose and the answer is not only no, but hell no, never. Get the freak out of my head..and my life..all you brought me was pain and shame. Truth may set you free... but hell the ride costs. I HAVE PAID THOSE DUES AND WILL CONTINUE TO PAY THEM.. Stay sober, my non-friend and watch out for the crazies..they might get you. Wishing you all the best for your continued success, lol. But, hmm...so not my business or problem, never was and never will be again. eff that! Your loss...not mine.

What? Sorry about the above, I had to let some of it out. I 'spark' on some people, and they end up being super special, the friends that i was always meant to find and have. Every 10 years or so, I fixate on someone..obsess..stalk..it is awful for me and them...or wondrous...for us both. The hard part is feeling so out of control ..I scare people. I scare myself sometimes, too. Lately it has been way too often. To my other friend who helped me, I am sorry I wasn't what you thought I was. No more respect? Yeah, I noticed that and passing the buck. That's why I have to rely on my own respect.  Everybody else's just doesn't last...or isn't strong enough. Nobody can "save" me but me..but thanks for listening and caring.

I am still so angry, angry that I hoped for more than what any of this turned out to be.  I am so mad at myself for letting my emotions, good and bad, override my common sense and erode away so much of my stability. Angry, for the moment at the past, present and future, not for just pain and despair..but for the promise of hope, love and peace. That hurts more when you realize your dreams are just dreams, and the next step?

The next level is letting go of the past, bit by bit. It is also holding on to your dreams of the future, but not letting yourself drift away with it. It is dealing with the present now. The anger focuses me and gives me energy. I got a lot done once I stopped fighting it. Maybe this is the 'wrong' way to deal, but it is kind of  the only solution I have.

"Highly emotive empath?" I feel people's emotions plus my own. We all do..mother's with children, actor's with an audience, a server with a customer, a salesman with a client..etc. I can also project my emotions back to people. Again, we all do..when we boo at a stadium or clap for a rousing speech, or even say thank you and mean it. This ability is highly tuned for me, as an addict, as a child-abuse survivor, as a server, as a mom and wife, as a reader...or writer. I hallucinated and almost passed out at the first concert I ever went to..overload. I make people uncomfortable with too much feedback sometimes, so I try to spread it around to a larger audience.

Being a recovering addict is way more than just not using if you want to be something better. My dad is a dry alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in 50? some years..God and fanaticism replaced his booze. His God is also a complete a-hole. I consider my own "God" somewhat of a jerk at times. I feel everybody has to find their own answers to that question, and live with it in their own way.

My message from God  from FB today:

"that everyone mistakes the limits of their vision for the limits of the world. Have compassion for others when they cannot see what is obvious to you. Have compassion for yourself when you realize that you can see only a small part of God's vision for the world."

Anger is just so easy, compassion and forgiveness..(*sigh)

So for dinner, Max ended up making his ravioli's almost all by himself and I heated up Campbell's bean and bacon soup for Renee and me..a bit of soup and a salad. Ok, if any of my ex- Denny's friends read this part they will laugh. My salad, some sad ice burg lettuce, carrots, celery, green onion, feta cheese, black beans, Hunt's tomato sauce (spiced Mexican style with jalapeno, chili pepper,lime juice and cumin) and nacho cheese Doritos. It was actually kind of good, really. LOLOL

Thanks for listening and letting me vent, my therapy. Try to forgive yourself today for something, use the anger, don't let it use you. TTYAL

Balance is more than just not falling over

I guess I am writing every day. I have too much on my mind to post on FB..that is face book...for anyone who doesn't know me. LOL I had somebody ask me once to list all my addictions, past and present. Besides the ususals(drugs, sex, alchol) I still ended up with at least 10 e-mails, with multiple lists...yeah. I am an addict.

We are all addicts or at least born that way. WHAT? You disagree..you may be right but just hang on for a while. We are born as humans, completely helpless..we need food/water, shelter/clothing, and human care/love. The first two pairs are obvious, the last ? It has been proven over and over again that human touch is a need, not just a want. Babies need to be cuddled.

There are a few exceptions to this, autistic babies have the need, it is just too overwhelming for them. My daughter has Asperger's, so I do know a bit about that. She had severe colic and allergies for 6 months, plus she started teething at 3 months. She also had multiple ear infections, and was given amoxicillin, a lot. She reacted to everything, ibuprofen, tylenol, amoxicillin, ora-gel. One very unhappy baby and new parents that went a bit cuckoo. She did not want to be held, though she loved attention, but the only real relief was an electric bouncing chair, a swing, white noise, car rides at times, and benadryl, plus trial and error finding a formula she wasn't allergic too. Finding out at age 5 that she was allergic to the dye they put in the meds and not the meds themselves. Priceless.

So we all start out as addicts, and we find other things we like, not just need but like/love. Candy/sweets, toys, games, etc..and we stop at nothing to get what we desire..terrible 2's LOL. It is me..me..me ...I want...want...want. By 3-5 we have learned how to manipulate, bargain, and lie. We also hopefully start learning that there are other people in this world, sharing, love, consequences. Finally, we get that we can't always get what we want when we want it. There are people who know a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

Nicotine actually rewires your brain pathways, forever. I think for certain people, other chemicals do  the same thing for them..this is why  recovered alcoholics can't drink, or etc. for all those other "pleasure" drugs. They say marijuana isn't addictive, LOLOL for certain people it damn sure is..ask any pothead. I was one, still miss it. Alchol gets me drunk, I have no tolerance for it now. But I never know how I am going to react to it. I can get violently physically ill from a few sips or a whole bottle, blinding headaches, nausea, vomiting... or just get buzzed. In my 30's it started if I way indulged...OMG my hangovers started lasting 3 to 7 days, that's not just feeling bad, with extreme prejudice I used to call it. I finally gave up! I drink maybe once or twice a year at most, now and it has to taste good. I only have 1 or maybe 2 glasses..of whatever...and no desire to push it.

 I drank alcohol in my later 20's every day, and got high too if I could. The more wasted the better, I actually craved the taste of beer, or rum, or tequila knowing that at some point while I was drinking I would go throw up.. go eat something..and drink more. I never turned down getting high or a free drink..that was what I wanted. I was wasted every day on something for about 5 years...never got a DUI, or arrested, or any STD's. I had a lot of crazy fun, and met friends that I still love with my whole heart always. I also worked 2 jobs, UPS and Denny's and went to school full-time at DeVry..where I met my present husband...near the end of this...when life became such a hell that I couldn't escape from it no matter how much I "used".

Now, I am fighting some of those cravings and addictions full-force, again... on-and-off and the emotional high/ lows..the meds I am on help. The people I talk to, my husband, number 1 and other friends... plus my kids, and now just 1 paid therapist. Every day is a challenge to keep my balance and recover it when I do fall over..which I do. Every day I seem to get back more of myself.  Yey, "we can make it better, stronger, faster.." OMG-LOL.

The next level, I am not to sure about..caffeine, nicotine, facebook..my present addictions plus a few others..chocolate! Living in reality, dealing with laundry, groceries, housework, cooking, a puppy, kids and being alone with very little money to play with...and nowhere to go. I need a job! Anyone hiring? LOLOL..have a great day and thanks for listening.

Peace my Friend

"Peace, it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, or trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart"..unknown.

It is 5AM...
I am not so sad that I couldn't sleep anymore. I love this time in the morning. I am sitting on my couch, feet up with a fresh brewed cup of coffee in one of my favorite black mugs in easy reach. I have a very warm sleepy puppy curled up next to me and a extra soft blanket that keeps the heat of my lap-top from being too intense. It isn't quiet, I can hear the hum of the pool filter motor  outside and the whir/thump of the clothes dryer upstairs. The house heater kicks on with forced air circulating and the coffee pot makes an occasional blurp/click. Ambient noise..I find it soothing.

This is when I feel peace, when I can shut out my troubles and worries and just be. It gives me that inner calm that I need for this moment. It is better than sleep, better than sex, better than any drug. I am at one with me..lol.. and feeling optimistic.. I can add the whole world and the universe. Universal peace..I think has occurred more often than we think, maybe only for a second or two..a small heartbeat. Not where everyone has found their inner core, but a small flash.. we are ok...and it hits every single person and living creature.

It doesn't last, of course..reality. I am getting hungry now, and somewhere across the globe somebody is dying from that same need. I am glad that I have food in my cupboards and fridge, and wish somehow that I could share it..but, not sure whether it is being realistic, selfish, maybe pragmatic..it isn't my problem. I've got mine for now, sorry world.

I also am craving a smoke, lol..addicts(*sigh) plus a re-fill of joe and a pee break..and to stretch out and walk around. Do hate to disturb the puppy..he makes complainy noises when I move him and then steals my seat. ahh..much better.

I have been told I am brave for writing this...lol. Thanks for the compliment, but it isn't quite being courageous. It is a feeling that is a cross between purging and making love. Emotions tend to rule an addict, from highs to lows, passion/despair. I was also told that I am loved. I am, what a beautiful feeling and I don't tend to doubt it very often. Self-love and respect is the harder goal, something I have  had to fight for to retain and develop. I think everyone has their own journey with this.

Today, I have decided it is get rid of clutter day..small scheduled bits of time to rid my house and soul of garbage that I just don't use..or want anymore. Will I end up throwing away something I needed or could have been useful? Yep..without a doubt..but the purge itself will outbalance that, lightening the load and giving peace a chance to find room in my heart and soul.

Taking this to the next level, I need my pain, my emotions, my self-doubts as does everybody. There is a physical condition where you can't feel physical pain. The tv show House did a major episode on it, it is a horrifying way to live. There is also a condition where you can't feel emotions either in yourself or from others, "psychopath" ring any bells? Beyond scary stuff..and self-doubts? We have all met the jack-ass(es) who just know they have all the answers for everything..LOL. Love to hate them..as they make it so easy.

I am who I am, still working on it. I think I will always have more questions than answers. My solutions may or may not work for you even if you wanted to try them. I am the sanest crazy person I know..and really "crazy" people scare the bejesus out of me. I am an addict, and will do my best to help others find peace, but also know that so many 'users' can not be trusted or believed. I am a mother, a wife, a woman, a friend, and a survivor so far..lolol or I wouldn't be writing this.

 Thanks for listening..ttyal. Comments are always welcome..;-)