U R LOLOL

I have been thinking about what to write for a couple of days. It tugs at my mind quite a bit. Good news first, I am still not smoking. Today was very difficult with that. I kept forgetting and would be wandering around looking for them. Then realize, duh. Other times it was a conscious thought, after I get out of the car, I used to have a smoke. After physical therapy, I used to have a smoke. Before I did my coupons, before grocery shopping, after grocery shopping. It was my reward for so many things. What a waste of time and money. I miss it, though.

I passed by smokers outside the grocery store before and after shopping. It smelled really good. LOL. D**n! As for me, I have NOT been doing so well. Whew! Physically, my intestines are still messed up, my old hernia is a bit better but not always.  The new one is getting worse. I spend a lot of time in bathrooms between my digestive system and my period. It is on-and-off again, for a week now. Aaargh! I have been trying to take the iron tablet at night. It makes me very nauseated. But I figure I am going to go to sleep anyway, hopefully.

Emotionally, my kids, the puppy, FB friends, hubby and even my therapist have all helped me through some rough patches, some without realizing it. I go through the rest of it alone. This has not been good at all. I have my ladies night tomorrow and I am very excited and nervous too. They are all so sweet. I do my physical therapy every week for my neck shoulder. It has been helping quite a bit.

I am not eating right or exercising and I feel it. I feel my controls slipping and it is really pissing me off. I try to accomplish my little goals for the day, and rewards?? I am not sure. Facebook is my pleasure and my drug. I realized today I spent 12 hours on, not continually, but..yeah, So not good. I have managed to not harass my stalkee, with any messages. My obsession with him continues to baffle me. It makes no sense at all. My other stalkee has been so awesome, one of the number one things keeping me on this side of sanity. He is a god-guy, and my beliefs bother him. I think, I don't know. My sex guy flirts. I have others who flirt too or are trying too and others who are perfectly legit male friends. It is cool.

I have woman friends. Wow! All kinds, all incredible. I am so excited about seeing them, as many as I can for my reunion next year. So many things are starting to look up and I remind myself of that. Marriage counselling? Renee's as yet, non-existent Asperger's group or coach, Max, perhaps involved in a sport. For me, a part-time job and maybe an art class, or exercise..I always wanted to learn kung-fu or judo. Money...holidays coming up. Birthdays, anniversaries, Halloween...yikes. Life is here, I have to stay in the right frame of mind and just not catch it, but grab it.

My addictions, Facebook, stalking, coffee, food, sex/love, drugs, alcohol, reading, blogging, it is a continual struggle right now. I replace one thing with another. Music and God for me are forever intertwined, I am trying to live the message. I am so tired of being alone. It gets so difficult to sort between the logical response and the emotional ones. Who, which part of me, do I let take control? This scares the hell out of me, I lost five hours today. I was eating lunch, doing coupons, went shopping, came home, put a lot of stuff away and um..it is all a bit hazy. Crap.

This morning, I woke up at 4 am and facebooked and yes, other stuff too until 9:15 am...um..shite. It is now almost midnight and I am at a loss of what to do. I have to get the kids off to school tomorrow and clean/cook/wash  I HATE housework.

me

I guess it is time for bed..sigh.

I own no rights to this song or lyrics..at all.

TTYAL..thanks for listening..comment if you like.

"See more than what's shown, hear more than what's said, and look

behind the actions to the motivations. Then, and only then, you will

understand"           Will I? lolol

and the beat goes on..

I have written, just haven't posted much lately. I have an hour to kill before an appointment. I don't know if that will be enough time, but it is what it is.

I have had some very good times the last couple of days. My hubby is home for 14 some days. Unheard of..LOL. I am loving it. There is some adjustment factor getting used to him being here, but wow! It is so wonderful to have somebody to talk to, hold and yes, that too. My stress level just flips around when he is here. It's such a beautiful day.

I think, while I am basking in my good mood, that it is ok. The new meds I am on make it hard to concentrate on worrying. My mind becomes slippery and those kind of thoughts just seem to slither away. Yey, and whether or not the "good" feelings are drug-induced or not. I have to admit..Yahoo. I love this moment and the next. No if, buts, or then about it. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the lizards are sunning. yeah.

Right now, at this second I am happy to be me. I am unique, individual, and still part of the universe. Being human, I can accept mistakes and downtime's are always going to be part of life's equation. But, I refuse to be a cliche, or a number..my voice, while single is being heard. Doors are opening. I have so many many wonderful things. I wish, I wish that with this blog I am sharing the positive with you. Feeling good and being mellow...content in this flash.

I hear my music and while I can't hear the words it is a happy, happy joy, joy dance. Thanks for all your patience and understanding. Thank you to all my friends. I love my friends...for joy, inspiration, reality checks.  Seeing that while, singular and different, each and everyone of us has a purpose. I can only comment on mine.

Love, peace and harmony..at some point we will all find the right pitch and melody. The symphony is already playing. Music, yes music, art, poetry, dance, mathematics, science, God??.

Mhhmm..for me, yes.

Hoping you all have a happy happy joy joy kind of moment. An instant or even longer where no worries intrude and you find the inner peace of your soul and being. it is called happiness and we all fight and struggle for it, knowing it is another emotion. That it doesn't last forever, but it sure is fun while it is here. Thanks for listening, TTYAL..

A "Quickie"

Sometimes short and sweet does the trick.. Just a note to my readers that I am alive and ok. I have my husband home, which just makes me smile. He has always been my balance. He leaves in 2 days, which I try to not think about.

My daughter sees a therapist Monday. Yes, crazy does run in the family..she's depressed and almost 13,  I posted her music on FB. What a positive response, Still don't know what to do with her ...find her a music teacher?

My son, is the pickiest eater on the planet..and I will complain more about that later.

To TC, who I doubt reads this, huh? Didn't understand your message..sigh

To all my friends and reader's have a great Valentine's day weekend, if you are without a special someone ..remember to celebrate love..stole that from my girlfriend.

Next Level..quick and sweet, you don't have to take all day to do a good deed. A smile. a cheery tone, even a wave suggests that we are not alone. Somebody wants to connect with us..spread it around..it will feel wonderful. TTYAL, LOVE Laura

Wet Mud

"You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade."

 This was a post from a new friend from my Face book..so sweet! We are all more..it isn't a+b= x-y   not for life. The equation, which I am sure there is one.. is so complex and out of  our range of scope ...and is constantly changing and evolving. That's why I love the music, music is mathematical, but also very very human and filled with the sound of the world we live in. Even hearing-impaired people can feel it...especially a live performance.

I worked at the Rosemont for a little while, not that much fun really, our beer stand had a bad location under the stairs. I had to laugh at all the people though, the fact that a Sinatra concert had the majority of the crowd take the elevator...for 1 floor and everyone wanted wine, instead of beer. That a Queensryche concert gave us a 1 beer minimum..it was ususally 4(?)..and a personal cop checking IDs. They went up the stairs 2 at a time or more..lol or down the banister and into the wall. That a concert, didn't know the group.. for Mexican-Americans brought more people with familia dressed in the craziest clothes I have ever seen and the best tip money ever..with the nicest manners and biggest enthusiasm. The band rocked..!

You remake yourself piece by piece every day, sometimes large..I am NOT going to jump off this bridge, sometimes small..I am going to build a leggo bridge with my toddler..so he can knock it over again and again. He laughs every single time, and in a few more years he won't remember..but he will know your laugh. A small bit of music he has heard and associates with fun, excitement and love.

 Problems, mistakes, choices...we all screw up. Sometimes we don't get caught and get away with it, sometimes our best deeds are unintentional. I smiled at the little old lady not because she was sweet, which she was... but because I had just found 20 bucks..mine, mine, mine. That maybe was the only smile she had gotten for weeks, and cheered her for days..who knows?

I re-made myself..from where I started..and re-made myself again...and again..and again..not changing the whole me, but trying to find a me I could look at and accept, respect, like. I did okay, far from perfect, but okay..now I am finding ways to integrate all those past selves into one whole person without the fear, or embarrassment, or stigma's. LOL, and still keep a sense of humor about the journey and the process..

The next level? I am not giving too many details yet, there are other people I still protect. But as a whole or for me, it doesn't take much effort to smile on purpose, to stop looking at your watch, to look at a sunset, to forgive the old lady at Wal-greens who can't scan 2 items without getting confused..to eat a healthy salad, go for a walk, to turn off the TV, X-box, Wii, etc and give your kids a hug..they will not reciprocate. lol, yet. Paying it forward and sideways..never knowing where it might lead. You are more than.. aren't we all?