Choice swear words...

I have been trying to adjust to the New Year. Not much has changed, but it still feels different. I have been sick again..damn hernias. I feel much better right now though. It comes on in waves and I will be okay for a while and then it hits. I am saying choice swear words. I may call my ex-surgeon tomorrow to see if he suggests anyone. I am so tired of fighting this.

My kids, are incredible. I am going to say that again. My kids are incredible. They do drive me to the edge and back again. Then they amaze me. Max is working on his own New Year goals. He decided he wants to improve his grades, spend less time on-line and be a nicer person. Wow, he came up with all of this on his own. Renee isn't doing as well. She is still very depressed, but we are talking more. One problem is she makes no sense at times, even to herself. I am working very hard at just listening and NOT commenting or starting to lecture. It is helping. The one bonus is her music just keeps getting better and better.

I am learning to move on. I wish I was doing more, but then I get overwhelmed and/or burnt out. Baby steps, one at a time..learning to fall forward enough and then catch myself. I keep being reminded of balance. I was talking with my kids about moderation, in drinking, in everything. They "got" it. Then of course they have to get goofy. I was saying it is easy to dehydrate especially in the summer heat in Arizona. I then mentioned while not impossible, it is hard to over-hydrate. Your body will try to refuse to let you drink too much H2O. My daughter's comment, "unless you are drowning."  LOLOL..she does have her moments. I know that shouldn't be funny but, it is.

I do not understand why I am wide awake at 4AM. I didn't even take a nap yesterday. I went to physical therapy. I admit I cheated out of some of my exercises. I just felt awful. I went grocery shopping and didn't use my coupons either. Gasp! I know, it is terrible. I am so living on the outer edge. Serious? You know your life is sad when you get excited that your brand of toilet paper is on sale. I have become my mom. I did marry a nicer guy though. That was a bit of a wicked comment. Whatever, I don't really think I am heading straight for heaven anyway.

My honey will be home again this weekend. Thank God! Praise Hallelujah, Amen. Winter break was horrific to me. It had a few shiny happy moments, but for the most part..blcch. I survived it as did my kids and the dog. My house could use some major TLC. I am trying to talk my internal self into liking housework. If I am going to be addicted to something why not make it useful like cleaning, cooking, and exercising? So far I have not been successful with this. I think my subconscious is too smart for that. More choice swear words..

Yes, I am still addicted to Facebook, though I am no longer a stalker. Yeah for me! The time I spend is less than you might think as I read fast and do other things as well. Denial is so lovely. I am still working on this. My  prescription medications are finally straight. I am not sure if I mentioned it, I had added an extra anti-depressant I wasn't supposed to be taking. Oh my. Plus I figured out I double-dosed on my others a few times. I was wondering why I was so dizzy? duh..there are also a few things I have spaced out too. I had a few people make some comments to me about this or that. Huh? I went back and read stuff I wrote. I was impressed that for the most part I was really nice. It is disturbing that I don't remember writing it at all. I probably shouldn't be admitting that.

Levels, I still have some goals in mind but I need to get some physical things working better first. Focus and then commitment will be next and a specific action plan that can be tweaked as needed. Change is hard. Staying the distance is even harder. Ugh. I will not let the lizard win! ?? I will explain that another time.

Thanks for listening. I am hoping you are having a lovely winter day where ever you are. My blog tracker says I have readers from all over the globe. I find this incredibly sweet. TTYAL.

“Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.”—Unknown 

Yeah, afraid so.

Happy, happy, joy, joy.

I am tired, but I am feeling better than I have in a long while. I keep saying that parts of me keep floating back or resurfacing. Ka-ching! Another piece falls into place. I love Thanksgiving. What's not to love, friends, family and home-made food?  A time to say thanks for what we have, and give of our spirit and love. It conjures up the Norman Rockwell picture of the big turkey and the extended table full of relatives and friends. Just beautiful.

Arizona sun

When you don't have any of that it stings a lot. Trust me. I have been there. I had many times in my life where I preferred working than being at home or church. When I didn't have that excuse, I showed up as wasted as I possibly could, so I didn't have to deal with the reality. My aunts and uncles on my Mom's side threw a wonderful feast. Some of the best food, snacks, desserts I have ever had. It was complete and total  boredom for a shy abused kid from a very strange family. There was a couple of holiday years I spent completely alone. One of my favorite memories was with my two girlfriends,other friends, my hubby and cats. lol. My husband and I started going to his parent's house in Iowa. Wow, pretty good times. What a concept.

I had kids, and then ended up working again for all holidays. It made the celebration difficult sometimes when you are dogged tired, either from a shift that day or the night before. Having kids adds a whole other dimension good and bad. Anybody that has traveled with kids knows what I mean. o-m-g. Then, my husband started being the one working, out of town. I don't think I have celebrated Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving day in years..it ends up being a weekly thing. Which is kind of sweet.

November also cracks me up because it is THAT month. Every family has one. The month when most everyone decided to get married, be born and possibly pass away in. My mom, sister, husband, son, nephews, nieces, friends..lol. It is a trip. I don't even think about Christmas until December. I wish I could say I celebrated all of those birthdays, but no. My son's ended up being the one I need to concentrate on. He turns 12 in a couple of days. Everyone says they grow so fast. Yes, they do.

Mentally, spiritually, emotionally so far it has been lovely. I will have other days that twist me up in knots. which you will get to hear about.  Not today. Today, I am so thankful to be alive, to feel the sunshine. I love my husband and miss him. Grateful for my kids and the stinky puppy on my lap. He has been a total snoozer  all day. I am also thankful for my Facebook family and friends who have helped me all year. I am also thankful to other family and friends dear to my heart. Wow," love, love, love." They had a point. It really does feel good. "all together now..all you need is love"

Smoke-free, drug-free, sober..and in control for the day. I probably should go take a shower. lol. Thanks for listening as always, ttyl. Don't be alone, you aren't, reach out however you can. I say a prayer for you all, that this wonderful warm happiness I am feeling can infuse through everyone else. My level today..thanks to God and all of you.


"Happy, happy, joy, joy" from Disney's The Lion King. "Hakuna Matata for today"

and the beat goes on..

I have written, just haven't posted much lately. I have an hour to kill before an appointment. I don't know if that will be enough time, but it is what it is.

I have had some very good times the last couple of days. My hubby is home for 14 some days. Unheard of..LOL. I am loving it. There is some adjustment factor getting used to him being here, but wow! It is so wonderful to have somebody to talk to, hold and yes, that too. My stress level just flips around when he is here. It's such a beautiful day.

I think, while I am basking in my good mood, that it is ok. The new meds I am on make it hard to concentrate on worrying. My mind becomes slippery and those kind of thoughts just seem to slither away. Yey, and whether or not the "good" feelings are drug-induced or not. I have to admit..Yahoo. I love this moment and the next. No if, buts, or then about it. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the lizards are sunning. yeah.

Right now, at this second I am happy to be me. I am unique, individual, and still part of the universe. Being human, I can accept mistakes and downtime's are always going to be part of life's equation. But, I refuse to be a cliche, or a number..my voice, while single is being heard. Doors are opening. I have so many many wonderful things. I wish, I wish that with this blog I am sharing the positive with you. Feeling good and being mellow...content in this flash.

I hear my music and while I can't hear the words it is a happy, happy joy, joy dance. Thanks for all your patience and understanding. Thank you to all my friends. I love my friends...for joy, inspiration, reality checks.  Seeing that while, singular and different, each and everyone of us has a purpose. I can only comment on mine.

Love, peace and harmony..at some point we will all find the right pitch and melody. The symphony is already playing. Music, yes music, art, poetry, dance, mathematics, science, God??.

Mhhmm..for me, yes.

Hoping you all have a happy happy joy joy kind of moment. An instant or even longer where no worries intrude and you find the inner peace of your soul and being. it is called happiness and we all fight and struggle for it, knowing it is another emotion. That it doesn't last forever, but it sure is fun while it is here. Thanks for listening, TTYAL..