Big Girls, don't cry..

I told myself no matter what I am not going to cry today. I did okay. I think I helped a friend out this morning. I hope it ends up being two friends. That would be a bonus. I didn't drink too much coffee, took my anti-deps, but no pain pills. I have been really craving a smoke, but no. I am still doing good, smoke-free. I took a shower, even shaved my legs. Which is hard to do when you have recently healed scar tissue. I finally started laundry, dishes and washed counters. All of this was back and forth between Facebook, my blog, other people's blogs and taking care of Jack.

My hubby got called into work, we had to cancel plans we had made. It bites. He was gone before I woke up. My kids didn't get up till 10:30-11. I know! I fed them lunch and even started on coupons and papers. I have known it was the anniversary of 9-11 since I woke up. It is a sad day, and one I will never forget. I just have had enough sadness, though. I don't want to cry anymore. Not for me, not for any of them, not for any reason. I am on 2 anti-depressants. You would think that would help? No.

I am boo-hooing like a baby, and I really don't even know why. Is it because I feel everybody's sadness? Or that I can barely have a 2 sentence conversation with either of my kids. I talk to the puppy more. Nobody really wants to talk on Facebook either. Though I did realize that I had made a public post private, hmm..maybe. I am not sure what I did. I also was tinkering with my blog on-and-off and updated a few things. I think some of that re-published stuff. Do you like it? The changes I mean.

I need more friends, real friends. I am so tired of talking to myself or the dog. I talk to my therapist but I pay him. I talk to my hubby too, but that is really messed up right now. My two friends I message the most, have their own lives, families and problems. My other FB friends help me balance it more but, damn.

I am lonely. That was what I said in my first blog and despite all my personal growth and what-not. I am still lonely and bored. I'll be okay, it is just that I don't want to be just okay or surviving. Some lasting internal joy would be nice. Something to do, wow I am such a whiner. Telling myself that really doesn't help at this point. I am still crying.

Ok. doing better, sorry. Maybe I need to up those happy pills some more. OMG-LOL. Went out and did retail therapy and got some great deals. Even though my hubby has been gone all day, it doesn't matter. Whatever. I am fine. Tomorrow will be another day. Thanks for listening TTYAL. My level has been to get off my pity party..and bug at least one of my kids. Laughing now.

hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss