hanging on..or over?

Too early to go to bed, and I am not tired at all. So, I might as well write something.

I got drunk last night. I am such a lightweight, only took two malt beverages, Smirnoff's blueberry and lemonade. Well, to be honest, 1/2 a pain pill too..don't tell. shhh. It felt familiar and nice at the same time. I like being buzzed, sometimes. It is reality that is difficult. It is hard to be me, LOL.

I did sleep the whole night, wow. I spent the day with my family, which has had its sweet moments. Both of my kids at one point were 'jamming' in the back of the car to a song. I was laughing and so was my hubby, one of those times where life is just perfect in that instance. I try to snap a photo picture of it. I go back to visit that memory when things are not so great. I have quite a few of these good times in my head. They aren't always truly accurate, but they do make me smile. What's funny is when one of these memories bubbles up somewhere or at a time when it is totally inappropriate. It's okay. I really have gotten used to having security walk around behind me while I shop.

 I am craving smokes again. It isn't random, I know my triggers. I have been able to get past this so far. It has been more of a struggle today.  Whew! So, I am still a non-smoker.  I have won this round of the battle so far. If you aren't an addict, you don't understand I don't think. Maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I have been slightly nauseated all day and non-energetic. It is called having a very slight hangover. I have had hangovers that lasted for weeks. I also at points in my life wasn't sober or straight for more than a few hours for days, months, a few years. LOL Things are kind of blurry looking back at certain times.

The thing is, nobody I liked at that time wanted me straight anyway. My family, LOL..I ran away from them, and tried to keep it that way. I also walked away from or isolated myself from all previous parts of my life. The friends I had were all ones I partied with. I hated all my roomies and they hated me, with good reason. I had been in a beyond messed up relationship for 5 years. Men were good for sex, drugs, alcohol, and maybe a joke or two. That was about it.

 Meeting my husband was an accident.  I have been with him now for over 20 years. Wow, who would ever have thought? It boggles the mind. I quit school and my job at UPS to move to WI with him. I don't know why at the time. I liked him, as he was useful, but didn't love him. He likes to take credit for saving my life. He is right. I was on total self-destruct. I have told him many times since then that he messed up my life plan. I was supposed to be dead by the time I was 30. WTFH..instead I was with him, working and starting a career. I ended up with kids instead. That wasn't in my plans either, and changed my/our world forever.

I love my kids, love my husband and am trying to find ways to live with them, love them without all the angst of my past. My one friend likes to remind me one day at a time. I suppose, it is hard because loving them just isn't enough. They need me straight and on my feet. I'm not trying to be perfect, just better.

I may or may not tie one on again, the way my head and stomach feels it won't be for awhile. Oh ugh. My hubby has to work tomorrow after we made major family plans. Shazbot, the job comes first this time. It won't always. My level, OMG is to straighten up this week. I have been slacking. Your level, where do you want to be? Is your family your priority? Food? Booze or alcohol? Love? I think you have to figure out the answer to that question before you can move on.

Thanks for listening as always, TTYAL I am ending with 2 quotes that go together, but don't. It is how you view things. LOL.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.~Robert Frost

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple. - Dr. Seuss

sweet sweet victory

Fourth of July, fireworks, grilling out and spectacular summer food, friends and family, games, swimming, perhaps, red-white-and blue, parades, celebrations, parties, a day to have a blast..one way or another.

Not this year, or the past two..

Arizona is hot this time of year, and by hot I mean triple digit temperatures for months. In the town I live next to, their is only one place to go for fireworks and you have to drive there and pay. It is packed, people's and cars and heat. I'd rather not.

This is when I miss Wisconsin and even Illinois...all the towns put on fireworks, In Cudahy, we could walk.  It could be hot and humid or cool and breezy. If you forgot to use bug spray, the mosquitoes would eat you alive. Me and the kids have a lot of fond memories, I would take them every year. I love fireworks, they all look like huge flowers to me. I love the burnt smell after, and oohing and ahhing. I love watching the people running around lighting them..lol.

My husband doesn't care about fireworks and hates crowds. We learned to leave him at home or really not mind when he'd be out of town. I did, after about 11 years of going on the Mississippi with his family finally saw fireworks on a houseboat. That part was cool. The rest of the trip was a disaster, lol.

I was supposed to see fireworks on Lake Michigan once, but the boat broke and the van overheated. We went to Lake Geneva the next night. It was sweet, though the people I was with..OMG! we were all beyond trashed. The boat owners didn't have a clue about boat safety or maintenance.I was not surprised their other boat broke. They didn't even carry flashlights. Looking at a  stalled gas engine, stoned and drunk with a lighter, and the back boat light was out. We were lucky we didn't drown, blow up or get hit. LOL


When we were kids, my Aunt Laverne, who was my neighbor, not my aunt, would insist on going to the fireworks. My dad would be grumpy and unhappy , but we always went. It was always spectacular to me. I saw fireworks inside of Soldier's Fields after our final high school marching band field show that we won. Incredible. The fireworks at Lake Michigan were amazing, after the Taste of Chicago...the crowds..were insane.

So many good memories and a few that weren't. Fourth of July is to celebrate Independence Day, the day the Declaration of Independence was signed. When a few brave white guys decided that "enough is enough" we can do this ourselves better and changed the world forever. Thanks, I love America.

I got hit with depression today, didn't make sense as I was having a very good day. I could analyze good and bad reasons as to why..but I am mellowing out now. I really don't want to either, the anti-anxiety medication is starting to work. I am getting very tired. My day is done, Jack has finally wore himself out...and it is raining in the desert. TTYAL thanks for listening.

Next year, I hope to see some real fireworks, the lightening and thunder finally took over here tonight. YEY! I love thunderstorms..g'night.